Jonathan Reznick-Quinn (rezidentsk8er) wrote in tiberiusswann, @ 2012-01-28 12:38:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | rez, riley |
Monday - march 30th, 2009
Who: Riley and Rez
When: Afternoon
Where: Riley's Office
What: A confrontation
Riley was cutting through the main part of the school, he had gone to get some files and then detoured for some coffee and to flirt with some of the kitchen staff. It was all in fun and it brought his mood up and broke up the seriousness of his day. And the new baker in the kitchen made the most delicious food that he was going to end up with a fat ass, he just knew it.
He said hello to a few students as he made his way back to his quiet office. He smiled wide when he saw Rez; no Jon, he needed to remember that, walking and he waved at him, starting over in his direction. He had been trying to hard to avoid him that he didn't realize what an effort he had made. Riley decided to stop avoiding him, to act like adults and there he was, which was good because he wanted to talk to him about hanging out soon.
~~~
Rez was not in a particularly pleasant mood for several good reasons, the main one being what Trevor had told him the day before. So when he saw Riley, it was with great effort that he didn't walk up to the man and fucking punch his face in. But he was going to be a bigger person than that and turn the other cheek. When Riley waved at him though, he got a death glare in response before Rez turned to head in the opposite direction even though it was quite clear that Riley was headed toward him. He had nothing to say to him, especially nothing to say here with all these people around.
~~~
Riley was a little startled by Rez's reaction to him, to the best of knowledge he hadn't done anything to piss him off between Saturday night and now. He frowned and walked over faster. Rez had looked at him like that before but usually he had done something horribly wrong to receive it. What the hell could have happened now?
The larger man caught up with Rez and touched his shoulder. "Hey what was that look for?" He asked with a slight smile, obviously having no freaking idea what the hell was pissing Rez off.
~~~
When he felt the hand on his shoulder, Rez jerked away rather quickly, giving the other man a death glare as he turned on him. "You really wanna ask me that?" He scoffed and shook his head. "You got balls. I'll give you that much. But you're pushin' it," he warned him, his jaw stiff.
~~~
Riley brought his hand back, the expression on his face was a little confused. "Um...I really think I'm missing a vital piece of information here...like what the hell you're mad at." He said as he glanced at few people who were looking at them. "And yeah i got balls but I have no fucking idea what I'm pushing so get the fuck in my office and tell me what the hell crawled up your ass and died." Riley said firmly as he motioned down the hall. "And if you don't go I will just go with you, because as far as I know I haven't done anything to make you mad at me."
~~~
That was enough to make Rez laugh. "You haven't done anything to make me..." He held up a hand in mock defeat. "Fine. You need me to spell it the fuck out for you, I can do that." But here was not the place in the least. So he started walking, rather quickly in fact, down the hall and toward Riley's office. He was so pissed that he was practically vibrating, trying to keep it under control by shoving his hands roughly in his pockets and keeping them there so he wouldn't start swinging.
~~~
This was insane, Jon was ready to lose his shit and Riley had no idea why. Sure he'd seen Rez mad like this before, but usually it wasn't at him. Yeah he had been mad about Mike but he had also been high and couldn't get to this level of anger. He followed him down the hall and walked into his office, shutting the door behind them. He dumped the files on his desk and then sat on the edge. "Now what the fuck Jon? What the hell could I have done between Saturday and today?" He asked totally confused as he crossed his arms over his chest.
~~~
This was a bad idea. Being alone with him in a room was a bad idea. All he wanted to do right now was take a swing at him, hurt him on the outside the way that he was feeling on the inside right now. "I don't know, Riley. Why don't you tell me, huh? Why don't you tell me what happened at your house Saturday night?" He was glaring at him again. "Or you wanna tell me again about how you'd never fuckin' do that with my fuckin' nephew!"
~~~
Riley opened his mouth to talk and then closed it when Jon mentioned his nephew and what they talked about. What the hell was Jon getting at? The older man just stared at Jon for a moment and uncrossed his arms. "Wait...what?" He asked and then shook his head. "You...think...tell me what the hell you're talking about?"
~~~
"Trevor told me!" Rez yelled at him, digging his nails into the palms of his hands to try to keep himself contained. "He told me all about what happened. How it was Charlie's idea but she bats those lashes and she gets what she wants and apparently she wanted the both of you together and you..." He scoffed, laughing. "After you said that you would never..." He stopped talking and actually growled a little. "I can't.. Be in this room with you right now." He turned to try and leave.
~~~
Riley's eyes widened as Jon exploded. Charlie wanted to what? He was confused, but it was slowing staring to dawn on him that he had been set up to be a scapegoat for Trevor, but he wasn't letting Jon leave, oh no they were not doing this again. He used his power to keep the door firmly closed and to pull a chair out. "Sit the fuck down jack ass and listen to me before you go off and believe some other crazy ass story about me. I'm not opening that door until you do so sit down, or stand I don't care but you are fucking listening to me." Riley said in his insanely calm shrink voice that Jon had heard time and time again.
~~~
"Fuck you!" Rez yelled back at him. "Fuck you. I don't want to hear shit else that you have to say. I heard everything I needed to hear from him yesterday morning!" And just to prove his point, he shoved the chair out of the way. "Let me out of this fuckin' room, Riley, or I swear to fuckin' God you will be sorry!"
~~~
Riley let him scream and swear at him, he didn't care. He fucking lived with Charlie, outbursts did not affect him. "What you're going to beat the shit out of me? Will that make you feel better? It won't when you find out your fucking nephew is lying his face off to you!" He finally yelled at him but he couldn't help it, this was insane. "I didn't touch Trevor, I never would for fuck's sake. Why the fuck do you believe him? I've done some shitty things in my life but god...Rez why would you think I'd do that? He's your family...he's a kid...do you really think I'm that bad?" He asked with such anger that the chair Rez shoved was starting to shake.
~~~
"Maybe. Maybe it will. I dunno. The thought's definitely crossed my fuckin' mind." Frank, yes, but he wanted so bad to just... hurt something, someone, anything right about now so that he would feel some small measure of better. He scoffed when Riley tried to tell him that it was all bullshit, that he was lying. "Oh yeah? Then why the fuck were your boxers in his floor? How the fuck did he know exactly what kind of face you make me you cum?" That sick feeling was back in his gut, surging forward quickly and making him staumble forward to the trashcan where he was suddenly and violently ill.
~~~
Riley bit his lip and shook his head, unbelievable. "Yeah so I'm not letting you beat the shit out of me, I would if I deserved it but I don't." He licked his lips and reached for his coffee taking a sip to try to calm himself down. However he nearly choked on it when Rez said rest. But what truly got to him was the fact he started to throw up. Riley blinked slowly and frowned at the other man, normally he would have been over to Rez in a second but not today, they were both angry now. "Fucking hell...I didn't do any of this shit!" He growled and then was quiet for a minute. "He had my underwear?" Riley asked quietly. "He was in my house without me there you know, alone with Charlie....Charlie knows exactly what I look like when I cum." He said sadly, Riley was a bit hurt that Charlie would help Trevor do something like this.
~~~
It was a very good thing that he didn't try to touch him, to comfort him in any way. There would have been a strong probability that he would have lashed out at him physically then like he had been fighting not to do since he'd spotted him in the hallway. But what he was saying... It was making sense. Charlie would know and Trevor was there and... "Why the fuck would he do that?" He didn't want to believe that Riley would do what Trevor said he did but, conversely, he didn't want to think that Trevor would go to that much effort to hurt him. He shook his head, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "You're lying."
~~~
Riley rubbed a hand over his face, and the chair stopped shaking. He was still keeping the door shut but he wasn't as angry, more disappointed. "I don't know him except for the five minutes I saw him when they came home from their date. But he was feeling very pleased with himself, I assumed it was because he was going to go upstairs and have sex with Charlie." Riley frowned and looked at Rez and shrugged. "All he's done since he got here was fight with you and try to hurt you. Apparently I'm a great way to do that, he realized." Riley sipped his coffee and just looked down at the cup. "You know his story, do you think he would willingly let a guy fuck him? Would you after that?"
~~~
Rez didn't want to believe it. He did, on the one hand, because he wanted to think that Riley had more respect for him than that but.. He'd hurt Riley, right? It would make sense for him to lash out or whatever but Trevor... "I take care of him," he said in a soft voice. "I.. give him a place to live and food to eat and clothes and fuckin'.... And he does this?" From Charlie, he would expect it. The girl was crazy, after all. But Trevor... He laughed at the question. "I did." Of course that was a little different, possibly. Fuck, he didn't even know right now!
~~~
Riley set the cup down and turned his body so that he was facing Rez. "Rez, listen he's an angry, broken, drug addicted child...he's not like Adam...Babe, he obviously blames you for it, or he's putting everything on you. I don't know, I haven't talked to him like that but...he needs help, real professional help like now. " Riley was pissed as hell at Trevor and Charlie both, this was fucked up. He didn't realize that charlie hated Rez this much. "I'm really sorry Charlie helped him do this...she probably thought it was a good idea to have you angry at me." Riley was hurt by all of this, charlie for doing it and Rez for believing it. When Rez said he did Riley lowered his lashes and bit his lip. "You were...a little different but yeah you did. Sorry stupid question."
~~~
Rez hadn't believed it in the beginning. It was only after Trevor gave him proof, or what he had thought was proof, that he actually believed him. But now that he thought about it, now that he had Riley pointing out to him all the ways that even thinking that was wrong, he felt... pretty horrible about it. "I'm sorry," he said softly, exhaling a breath and then moving to take a seat nearest to him. That happened to be the floor. He moved a hand up to rub at his face. "I just thought... I mean you have every reason to wanna..." He laughed. "Fuck. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?"
~~~
Riley watched him for a moment and then sat on the floor with him. "I know you are, and I'm thinking about forgiving you." He said with a slight smile and then frowned at him. "You think that because you got a girlfriend I would lash out at you and fuck Trevor out of spite?" He asked cooly and then let his head fall back against the desk. "I have some serious issues definitely but I wouldn't do something like this...it's wrong on so many levels." Riley bit his lip and then sighed. "Babe you have to talk to him, be patient with him...he's so much like you. Just I don't know he sounds like you and just the feeling I got from him. " He bit his lip and then sighed. "You are probably the only person who is going to get through to him."
~~~
"I don't know what the fuck I think anymore," Rez admitted. More often than not lately, he felt fucking lost. And it wasn't just Trevor and Adam or Riley or this. It was... his life. His life was spiraling and he wasn't sure why or how to stop it or how to even think about changing it. He just felt like he had no control anymore. He laughed a little when Riley said that Trevor was like him and then he gave a small shrug of his shoulders before he admitted, "Yeah, alright. I mean I guess... maybe this is some shit I would try to pull." Years ago, perhaps. When he was younger and cared less and was a whole hell of a lot angrier.
~~~
Riley could feel Rez's emotions and he reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it. "Hey, I'm here you know...I mean we aren't like before and I'm technically not your shrink but...I'm here if you need me." He could never turn his back on Rez, it just would never happen. Riley gave the man a look as he rubbed his thumb over his wrist. "You so would have pulled shit like this if you thought it was interesting or you were bored. You could be a dick then." He smiled at him.
~~~
Rez had felt on the verge of breaking more than once lately. But after everything that happened with Fisher, or with Lily rather, he thought he was done with that. But the truth was, it made it worse. He felt pressured, like he had to work to be worth it. And the vast majority of the time he didn't feel like he was. He laughed a little and then actually managed a smile. "Yeah, yeah I was." He smirked and added, "Still kinda am just... a different kind of dick these days."
~~~
Riley of course knew nothing of what was going on with Rez now, because he didn't want to talk about her. Of course if Rez really needed it he would but he hated the idea. He hadn't taken his hand back so Riley just continued to hold it and smirked at him before shaking his head. "What do you mean a different kind of dick...what are you doing?" He asked quietly.
~~~
"I dunno," Rez replied honestly. "Feeling sorry for myself?" He asked, casting a small smile in Riley's direction. "Fuckin'... feelin' shit about the state of things instead of actually tryin' to... work it out."
~~~
"Ah, yeah i'm good at feeling sorry for myself." He said and raised an eyebrow at Rez and then smiled. "Yeah that's...it's much easier to feel shitty about your life than try to find a way to fix what's wrong...or at least make an effort to try." Riley was always in that place it seemed.
~~~
"I just don't know what the fuck I'm doin' anymore." Rez laughed and then added, "I don't know if I ever really did. I thought so once." He glanced down, realizing just then that Riley was holding his hand. He felt like he should pull his hand away but... he didn't. "How do I fix this? How do I... help?" He scoffed and then added, "How do you do this every day?" With Charlie, with his patients, etc.
~~~
"Our lives change, what we thought we wanted may not be true anymore, it just happens. And sometimes we have to either learn to live with our choices or start making different ones and start getting what we really need." Riley saw the little debate on Rez's face about his hand but ultimately it stayed in Riley's. He raised an eyebrow at Rez when he asked how to help. "With Trevor you have to get him help, offer to go with him if he doesn't want to go, anything to help get him there. I felt the anger inside him...that much anger and a beast are not going to be a good combination. But you also have to let him know how awful this was. He could have caused some damn serious hurt and damage...I mean he could have ruined the relationship you two have, it obviously ate you up thinking it happened." Riley said with a squeeze of his hand and then continued talking. "And just for me...he's an 18 year old student that people would think i slept with...that could have gone very far and bad for me with my record you know." Riley bit his lip and then sighed. "Sometimes to help the people you love, you have to endure a lot of shit and pain from them because they are trying to see how much you can take before you walk away...so they can say see, you never cared in the first place. You just have to suck it up and keep going."
~~~
Rez could relate to that. He always thought he knew where his life was headed and now it was going in a very different direction and... he just wasn't sure about it anymore. He wasn't sure what he wanted, what he needed, what he was going to do. He wasn't sure about a lot of things but those things weren't Riley's probably anymore. "How the fuck could he... I just.. I don't fuckin' get it. I don't understand what I did." Granted, he'd walked away. But his hands had been tied. Trevor had to understand that. He had no fucking legal rights, didn't have a leg to stand on. Hell, he'd been in the fucking mental hospital because he couldn't even take care of himself so how was he supposed to have rescued them? "That how it is with Charlie?" Riley had his own handful of issues, he knew. Namely Trevor's apparent partner in crime.
~~~
Despite how well Riley seemed to be handling this, he still wished Rez's problems were his problems, and he hated that he did because he just didn't know what would get it through his head to give up. "Babe you didn't have to do much, just something he perceives as everything. Trevor probably knows that you couldn't have taken them in, he knows your history...but that doesn't mean in his mind he thinks different. He probably thinks you should have found a way, got them out somehow...you're obviously his hero and he doesn't understand why you didn't save them...I know that you couldn't, it's not like you could walk in and take them for one..." Riley started to rub his thumb in circles on the back of Rez's hand. "Yeah...Charlie is like that, she just lashes out, especially if she's upset, to hurt, not concerned how badly it hurts. And she doesn't like you at all...so helping Trevor was probably something she jumped at."
~~~
"Maybe if a small part of me didn't think he's right then this would be easier." Rez exhaled a small laugh. "I can't.. I mean I know that things were so.. so fucked back then but if I had just... figured something out." It was an impossible situation and he had done the only thing he really could have, which was nothing at all, but still... He would feel guilty about that for the rest of his life. He looked over at Riley and smiled a little. "She hates me because I hurt you. Don't... I mean you can't really blame her for that, right?" He didn't. He'd done Riley pretty damn dirty while he was away so Rez felt like he definitely deserved her disdain.
~~~
Riley frowned slightly at him and sighed. "Yeah i would think the same thing as you if I was in that situation, I know it." He reached up and brushed Rez's hair off his face, he needed a haircut again. "Stop beating yourself up about this please, I know you wish you had been able to help them but it wouldn't have helped any of you if you were their parent back then." Riley looked at him when he said why Charlie hated him. He blushed slightly and then shrugged slightly. "I understand why she hates you but...this was just shitty." He sighed and let go of Rez's hand, and ran a hand through his hair. "Do you...feel bad about it?" He asked quietly, just needing to know.
~~~
"Easier said than done, Doc," Rez replied with a soft laugh. He could try, but that nagging would always be there. There would always be guilt. Always. With everything that Adam and Trevor had gone through, there was no other option. He couldn't just ignore it and pretend like it was all out of his hands even if, in a lot of ways, it had been. "Fuck yeah, it was." This made him realize that he wasn't the only one that was hurt in this, that was feeling betrayed right now. Charlie had fucked Riley over just as much as Trevor had fucked over Rez. He frowned when Riley let go of his hand and then shifted to wrap his arms around himself, the question making him laugh a little. "Yeah. Of course I do." He frowned and then added, "And... I don't, too, at the same time. It's just... really fuckin' complicated."
~~~
Riley felt his stomach flip a little when Rez called him doc and then shrugged. "Yeah I know it is, trust me." He said softly and then ran his fingers over Rez's sleeve for second and then sighed. "How is it complicated?" He asked as he moved those green eyes to look at Rez. He was quiet and then smiled. "I missed you." Riley said randomly.
~~~
How was it complicated? That was a discussion that could take hours, days, weeks even. He wasn't even sure he knew where to start. So instead he started with that last comment, smiling a little before he admitted, "I missed you too." But where did he go from there? And how did he explain this without... Well without making Riley feel guilty like he was prone to doing? "I know you had to go. Charlie needed you and she's Mara's mother and... I don't... blame you or anything but..." He exhaled a deep breath and shook his head softly. "I was falling the fuck apart. Like I dunno... I can't say when it started or why or... well I guess I know why just..." He cleared his throat. "You weren't here." He frowned. "Even if you had been, I dunno if you coulda helped any."
~~~
Riley smiled at him and then chewed on his lip. Riley was very prone to feeling guilty, started from a young age when his father constantly told him he killed his mother, so he just starts with things are his fault and goes with it. "You needed me to be here." He said softly and wrapped his own arms around his long legs. "why did you start to fall apart?" He asked softly and then added. "I wish you had called me when you were sick, I would have come back for you."
~~~
"Because of Fisher," Rez laughed a little. "Dizzy, too, I guess. Life in general. Things just start to pile up and pretty soon you can't see shit else and..." He shook his head softly. "You just get lost." He smiled a little and shook his head again. "Wouldn'tve accomplished anything. I wasn't even... fuckin' coherent when I was sick." And whether the faux version of Fisher being around had helped or not, he wasn't really sure but... At least he'd kept him from dying and, in turn... "I have.. an obligation."
~~~
Riley nodded he knew how that kind of shit went. "Yeah i know how that feels." he said with a sad smile and then frowned slightly . "Maybe not but that was where I should have been." He said with a slight pout and then raised an eyebrow. "An obligation...?" He asked softly, fingers reaching out to touch again before he closed his hand in a fist, he wasn't allowed to be touching him, he needed to stop.
~~~
Rez had said too much. And when Riley asked about it, he shook his head. "I can't... I shouldn't even... think that way, feel that way. It's... wrong." And he was obviously very upset with himself for it. It was a thought that had, with more and more frequency as of late, been running through his head and he just couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle this. "I should go."
~~~
Riley raised an eyebrow at him and shook his head. "It's not...technically my business, I wish it was...but you don't have to tell me anything." He reached out and did grab Rez's wrist this time. "I don't want you to but if you have to." Riley was quiet for a moment and then looked at him. "I want to see you, talk to you, hang out whatever...but it's not about trying to get you back, I...im not good enough for you I'm not what you need but i miss you and it sucks not even having you as my friend."
~~~
Rez was in the process of pushing himself up to his feet when Riley grabbed his hand. He looked at him though, really looked at him as he spoke, and he shook his head. "Riley, it's never been about.. that. It's never been a matter of you aren't good enough or right enough or... anything like that. It's.." He exhaled a soft breath. "It's always been about timing. That's all it comes down to. Timing." He frowned a little. "You can't think of it as anything more than just that, Rye."
~~~
Riley smiled at him and shook his head. "Timing has always been shitty for us but it's not just that, I mean we love each other but, you want kids babe and unless I put on my ring on and commit to it I can't give them to you. You deserve that babe, you'd be a good dad." He smiled and slowly let his hand start to slide away.
~~~
"Lily will never have children," Rez said softly and simply. He knew that. As much as he wanted them, as much as he'd always pictured that as a part of his life, she would never give that to him. And that was just one of many things that was bothering him these days. "Be careful with that," he remarked in regard to the ring. "Sometimes... sometimes when we get what we want, it turns out to be nothing like what we need."
~~~
Riley frowned and then squeezed Rez's arm. "I"m sorry." He said softly as he looked away and then nodded at Rez's words. "Well it's not like I use it right now, Fox isn't....he isn't really around like he was. It was stupid anyways." Riley sighed. "I know what I want and need but it's always out of reach." He shrugged and bit his lip. "But you do not need to listen to my whining."
~~~
"I think maybe you know what you want but what you need..." Rez shook his head. "I'm not entirely sold on the idea that you know what that really is." But it wasn't his place to tell him what he was doing wrong in his life. Or right for that matter. Riley needed to figure shit out on his own. "It was good seeing you again," he said softly. "Sorry about... everything." And now, he needed to figure out where to start with Trevor.
~~~
Riley shrugged and started to get up and brushed his dress pants off. "What I want is to actually be happy in love and have a good partner to help me raise Mara...and that's what I need. i have no idea who that person is because I'm still alone and thirty and the closest thing I have to that was Fox and he's just a straight guy that used to live in my house." He shrugged and started picking up a file, Riley was pushing his emotions down and was actually trying to turn them off, he just did not want to feel like this anymore. "You have nothing to be sorry for it's not your fault." He said softly.
~~~
"Riley..." There was a lot that Rez could say about that, about Fox in general, but he refrained. Instead he left it at this. "Just keep in mind that thirty is the new twenty. You've got time." He smiled, though he could tell that he was starting to let his feelings get the best of him, or trying not to rather. "I do. I have a lot of be sorry about. But.. maybe we should both just try to... stop thinking about that too much and just... live."
~~~
Riley just looked at him, he expected a warning about Fox but wasn't all that surprised by what Rez said. "Yeah I'm sure I do." He smiled slightly and then stared back down at the paper, biting his lip hard as Rez continued talking. "I wanted to, it's not that easy but maybe one day I will be there." He said with a tight smile and put the file on his desk. Their relationship kept seeming to end over and over and he kept being reminded to move on and he was so tired of it. "I guess I will talk to you later Jon?" riley said as he glanced at Rez.
~~~
Obviously he wasn't helping matters any so he smiled and nodded his head. "Yeah, sure." It was probably best to admit defeat now than to drag it out any longer. "See you around," he added, and then turned to head out the door, feeling both simultaneously better and yet worse. Riley had a way of making him question things, that was for sure. And he'd been doing enough of that on his own.
~~~
The hardest thing was always to watch him leave, it had always been. "See you around babe." He said softly as Rez left, forgetting the guy had like super hearing now and used his powers to shut the door before flopping down on his couch and frowning at himself while he tried to figure out how to turn off his own emotions...he was an empath he should be able to do this so he could move on.