Sunday - March 1st, 2009
Who: Bastian and Syn When: Early Morning Where: The school kitchen What: Conversation
It was Sunday morning, early, and everyone in Syn's house was still sleeping. Devon and Will were tangled up together on the bed beside him and Syn was laying toward the far side, away from the both of them simply because he'd needed some space. His hand moved up to fiddle with the necklace he was wearing, staring at the ceiling for a long moment in silence. He hadn't slept. He'd been awake pretty much all night. His mind was too awash with thoughts to allow for sleep.
He was exhausted but it wasn't just a physical exhaustion he felt. And when he could take no more of it, he moved to his feet and headed into the closet to quickly dress himself. Slipping from the room, he grabbed his coat, keys and stuck his feet into a pair of shoes before departing the apartment completely. He told himself he didn't know where he was going, but that was wrong. He knew exactly where he was going right now. He knew exactly who was going to be there. And he knew that he was precisely the reason why he'd not been able to sleep last night.
The building was dark when he entered it, the cafeteria equally dark, but he could already hear the sounds coming from the kitchen. Syn knew enough about the other man's habits to know that he always got off to an early start and he was generally flying solo in the mornings. That was clearly the case this morning as Syn pushed open the kitchen door and poked a head inside. Bastian was alone. And in a soft voice, he said, "Knock, knock." ~~~ It was five-thirty in the morning. Most of campus lay curled up in bed, still dreaming away, but they all demanded hot food come breakfast time. Since Bastian hadn't yet perfected a spell that could make biscuits as buttery and flakey as he could, he spent the extra time in the kitchen, mixing dough and rolling it out. Hearing someone come through the door, Bas assumed it was his second, Matt. "You're up early. I wasn't expecting you for another hour."
Bas finally glanced up, not even concerned that his hands and forearms were covered in flour. Seeing Syn there, he paused, no longer quite sure how to handle himself around the other man. It had been made perfectly clear what, who rather, Syn preferred, so what was he doing here? Closing off his expression, he grabbed a towel, starting to wipe his hands clean. "Can I help you?" ~~~ "I wouldn't think you'd be expecting me at all," Syn remarked with a soft laugh, reluctant to leave the safety of the spot right behind the door as he waited for Bastian's permission to enter.
When the other man finally looked at him and realized who it was that was standing there, it was almost as though he could feel the coldness wafting from the other man's general direction. But he swallowed that thought down and stood his ground, taking a few steps into the kitchen from behind the door and stating simply, "I thought maybe we could talk." He paused before he added, "You can still work if you need to. I don't... I wouldn't mind or.. anything." ~~~ Bastian hesitated. Did he want to let Syn in, to talk about things? He wasn't one to shy away from difficult situations and he refused to start now. Nodding, he motioned for Syn to come in closer, taking note of the necklace around his throat. Not as obvious as a collar, but just as binding, he would bet.
Pointing, Bas indicated a chair in the corner. "You're welcome to move that over here if you'd like to sit down." Bas went back to work on the biscuits, rolling up his sleeves before turning the dough out onto the massive table and rolling it out. "What's on your mind?" ~~~ "I'm fine," Syn said in response to the offer of the chair, noting the way that Bastian's eyes lingered on the necklace which he then moved a hand up to kind of cover, though he tried not to be obvious about it. It could be that he was simply adjusting it.
His mouth felt dry as he stood a short ways off from the other man, watching him work. He said nothing until Bastian spoke, and even then he was quiet for a long moment before he replied, "I have no idea who I am." He may as well get to the heart of it, the reason he was here. Bastian would see through any pretense he decided to put out there. ~~~ He was willing to wait, to let Syn put his thoughts together, screen them for how they would be heard and re work it again. What came out wasn't expected. Bas paused for the briefest moment then got right back to work rolling out the dough. "Who do you think you are?" ~~~ That was kind of the reaction he was expecting, shocked silence followed by a question. Syn gave a small shrug of his shoulders before he replied honestly, "I don't." With a sigh, he wrapped his arms around himself and elaborated on that statement. "No one's ever asked before, not until you, and I've been thinking about that a lot here lately and... I don't have an answer. I never even.. I never considered even looking for one because it never seemed to matter." ~~~ "If you don't know who you are, how can you expect to be what someone needs you to be?" Bastian grabbed a large cutter, starting to cut the dought quickly and effeciently. ~~~ "I guess... I've never been around people who really thought that mattered." Syn gave another small shrug of his shoulders. "People have always just assumed that they know who I am and... Well no one ever really questioned that, and I never did either." He exhaled a small laugh, shoulders slumping a bit as he remarked, "Pretty pathetic, isn't it?" ~~~ Bastian listened quietly, starting to load the biscuits onto a large cookie sheet. "Pathetic, no," he said, shaking his head. "No one can know who you are unless you know for yourself. The only person it should matter to is you." Bas was trying to help, but at the same time work out why Syn was here having this talk with him rather than Will. ~~~ There was a pretty easy explanation to that question. Syn already knew what Will would say. And while it would be sweet, it wouldn't exactly be helpful because he didn't understand, not really. Will had always been so big, bigger than life, that he couldn't relate to what it was like to feel so... small. And while Bastian perhaps had never experienced that on his own, he could, to some degree relate, or at least Syn thought that he could.
"How have you been?" He asked after a moment of silence, hands tucking themselves inside his pockets. He didn't want to be the type to take and not give and he did genuinely care for Bastian. ~~~ Pausing in his work, Bas glanced at Syn. "That's a topic switch." He stood up, stretching a bit. "Ask me again when you've found the solution you're looking for. Until then, you came here with a concern you don't know how to handle, right?" He leaned back down, re rolling the dough and cutting more biscuits. "We'll handle that first." ~~~ "I didn't... I'm not here just because..." Syn sighed, paused to regroup his thoughts, and then he decided to blurt out something else that had been on his mind. "I miss you. And I haven't.. I don't regret the choices that I've made but..." But. There was always that word in there, interjecting his thoughts, his feelings. "I still miss you. You mean-" He pauses to swallow hard. "You meant a lot to me." ~~~ "Same goes." Bastian finished up the biscuits, setting them aside and wiped his hands. "Are you happy, Syn? If you are, then I can let it go." Bastian was sure that he could have made the man happy. If he'd found it with Will, Bas could let it go, let him go. If not, well, Bastian wasn't quite sure how he'd feel about it. ~~~ Syn frowned, uncertain how to answer that question. It was complicated. He was happy sometimes but not all the time. When he was with Will, he was perfectly content, but when he was alone, it was a completely different story all together. It was like he ceased to feel as though he existed without the other around and he was realizing now how unhealthy that was. "Mostly," he finally replied, a hand moving up to touch that necklace once more, tugging on the small earth-shaped charm. ~~~ "I don't like that answer," Bastian replied honestly. It slipped out before he even had a chance to censor it. What should it matter how he felt about it? Syn wasn't his. Sighing, Bas looked around, wanting something to take his mind off of that reminder. ~~~ "I don't like it either," Syn said simply, then dropped both hands to his side to simply stand there for the moment as Bastian searched for something with his eyes, knowing without having to ask what it was he was trying to do. He could recognize the struggle for distraction just about anywhere.
"Bastian, I..." He exhaled a small sigh and then continued. "Will you look at me for a minute? I have to.. to say something and I don't really..." He frowned, a hand moving up to rub the back of his neck as he tried to sort through his thoughts. ~~~ Bastian was embarrassed that he had tried something so cowardly. Closing his eyes, he took a calming breath, using the moment to pull himself back together. When he opened them once more, he was collected and more confident. Bastian turned to face Syn, watching his eyes. "Speak freely, please." ~~~ And now that he had his attention, it was difficult to bring the words to the surface. But he had no choice. He had come here for a reason and he wasn't going to just turn tail and run away. He needed to do this for himself, not for anyone else. There was no law that said that he couldn't be selfish when it counted. And this counted.
"We can fixate on how things could have turned out if circumstances were different, but they aren't different. They aren't going to be different. And we both know that so.." Syn swallowed hard. "I'm not going to be yours, but I still need you in my life. I still want you in it. As a friend," he dropped his gaze for a moment as he added, "I don't have many of those." He looked back up at him once more. "But I'd like you as one of them, if you think that could be possible." ~~~ Rock meet hard place. "I know you're not mine and I can respect that. It doesn't make it easier to know that I'm not enough." Bastian smiled gently. "I can settle for a friend." ~~~ A sigh parted Syn's lips and he shook his head softly, "You know that isn't it, Bastian." It honestly and truly had nothing to do with him and everything to do with... a sense of obligation? Was that the right term? It wasn't as though he was only with Will because he felt like he had to be but he did in a way. Not in a bad way just... That was how he felt at the core. ~~~ Bastian shrugged. "Maybe not, but it's how I interpret it. And that's fine. I can't be everything to everyone and I know it." If Bastian had known that Syn was with Will due to obligation and not choice, he would bend the man over his knee and give him a sound thrashing. Regardless of what you felt you owed someone, it was no reason to be in a relationship. ~~~ "That doesn't mean you can't be everything to someone," Syn countered, and then he glanced down and shut his mouth because it wasn't his place to try and make him feel better. Bastian didn't ask for that and he had a feeling he wouldn't really appreciate it much. But he had to say, "I've seen you with her, the woman from that one night." He quieted for a moment before adding, "I'm glad I didn't ruin things for you." ~~~ "That doesn't mean you can't be everything to someone," Syn countered, and then he glanced down and shut his mouth because it wasn't his place to try and make him feel better. Bastian didn't ask for that and he had a feeling he wouldn't really appreciate it much. But he had to say, "I've seen you with her, the woman from that one night." He quieted for a moment before adding, "I'm glad I didn't ruin things for you." ~~~ Bastian smiled, thinking about Estrella. "If she had run because a friend had come into my apartment, then she wouldn't be someone I'd want to keep around anyways." As it was, he wasn't certain just how long she'd want to stay around. There was a lot about Bastian that she didn't yet know. ~~~ Syn saw that smile, and he decided that was something he wanted to latch onto, perhaps an in to a more normal conversation between the two of them. And that's really all he wanted. "Does she know about you?" He shifted to lean against a nearby counter, relaxing a bit. He could do this. He could just have a friendly conversation with him, maybe even give him advice that would help him out or something. Bastian had always been so good to him, after all. ~~~ Bastian huffed out a breath, getting back to work. He wasn't getting anything done just standing around. Work and talk, work and talk. "No, she doesn't. I haven't really pulled anything hardcore yet. Just some soft play here and there. She's into that much at least." ~~~ Syn nodded his head, repressing any desire to feel jealous. "Testing the waters. Always a good idea." He was quiet for a moment before he added, "Will isn't very experienced. He thinks he is though which.. makes things difficult but... I'm going to have to figure out a way to like.. I dunno." He laughed a little. "Train him, I guess." He quieted for a moment before he added, "Seems like we're both in the same boat." ~~~ "Your boat at least is aware it's at sea. Mine is still sitting pretty by the docks." Wiping off the table, Bastian thought quietly for a moment. The only suggestion he could think of would be one that would likely upset Will. Not a good idea. ~~~ "I think sitting pretty by the docks would be a bit easier to steer than lost out in the deep water convinced that they know how to sail when they clearly don't." Syn exhaled a soft laugh, a nervous knot forming in the pit of his stomach as he considered his next words. "Sooner is better than later, I've found. If you ~~~ 're serious at least. That way... you don't get too involved and then have it all just... disappear." He knew how that felt. He felt somewhat like that just now. ~~~ Was Syn referring to what they had? Something different? "I'm trying to feel it out. Some people would run screaming knowing I enjoy drawing blood." ~~~ He nodded his head in agreement, silent for a moment before replying, "But if she'd run screaming over that, is she worth it?" Of course he could be wrong. Rushing it might be a bad idea, the worst one, and he knew it. But he wanted to be helpful, right? Or did he prefer being the opposite of that instead? He couldn't really be sure. ~~~ Bastian licked his lips, thinking. "There's a difference between meeting someone in a club where there's expectations and then bringing those habits home. She may be fine with one and not the other. I don't know." Moving the biscuit trays aside, Bas pulled out a large cutting board, and chef's knife and several baskets of fruit for fruit salad, setting up his work space. ~~~ "You have a point," Syn replied simply, thinking it over for a moment. "Still, it's a bridge you'll have to cross eventually. You can't just.. hide." He pushed himself away from the counter and added, "You're too good for that." He glanced around and then asked, "Do you need any help?" He'd taken care of Ikon all these years. He was fairly handy in a kitchen. ~~~ "I know. But I'm hoping to ease her into it, and have her be interested rather than dropping her into the middle of it and hoping she knows how to swim." Slicing open a canteloupe, Bastian glanced over at Syn. Technically, the man shouldn't even be in the kitchen, but as he was here, he may as well be of some use. "Legally I can't let you do much. But wash up at the sink and you can help me deseed these." ~~~ "Hmm," Syn hummed. "Makes me envious." He exhaled a soft laugh, nnot elaborating as to why just yet but if Bastian cared to know, he would ask, and Syn would tell him. "I work here," Syn contested with a smirk as he moved over to wash his hands like he was told. "Maybe not in the kitchen but I'm at least a legal employee." He dried his hands, then moved over beside of Bastian to take half of the melon he'd just sliced, small fingers making quick work of the many seeds inside. ~~~ "Envious? Why?" Syn didn't know Bastian all that well if he thought an open comment like that would just be let go. He sliced open several more melons, taking the halves back from Syn and starting to slice it into thick wedges. "Damn. Forgot the trash can and the pan," he muttered. Putting the knife down, Bastian pointed at the trash can, murmuring under his breath. The can levitated and drifted over, stopping right under the edge of their table. A moment later, a large, deep pan was settled on the upper edge to wait for the fruit. ~~~ "I didn't have anyone to gently ease me into things. I was dropped in head first." He laughed a little. "Sink or swim. I sank for a while." He shrugged just a bit. At the incantation, Syn arched a brow, watching as everything floated easily into place. There was but one thought that crossed his mind in response to that and it was voiced with a smirk upon the sprite's lips, "Too bad we never got to play around with that." ~~~ Bastian chuckled. "Mmhmm. I wanted to, but I didn't want to overwhelm you." He'd had several ideas of what to do. Controlling the blade while stroking Syn with both hands was his favorite. "I didn't want to levitate you because you're so beautiful with rope marks." ~~~ Syn exhaled a small laugh, flushing ever so slightly in response to those words. "Behave yourself," he said in a soft, teasing voice. And he moved a free hand up to touch that necklace, a simple reminder of what reasons he himself had to be on his best behaviour. ~~~ "I am." Bastian sliced the melons into wedges and then chunks, removing them from the peel and tossing the fruit into the pan and discarding the rind with expert ease. He noticed the touch to the charm. "Do you love him?" ~~~ Syn smiled and then agreed, "You are." He finished up with the last half of the melon that had been sliced and handed it over to Bastian, reluctant to answer the question. He wasn't reluctant because he didn't know the answer to the question, just because he didn't want to hurt Bastian any more than he had already. But he had to be honest. If they were to be friends, he would need to be honest no matter what. So he replied honestly, "Very much so." And yes, there was a but. "But it does somewhat upset me that he isn't... That I'm not the only person he comes home to." That wasn't idea, but he was trying his best to make it work. ~~~ Bastian felt the admission like a punch to his stomach. Though the muscles flexed, he didn't make a sound. At least Syn was being honest. Bastian could appreciate that. "Have you told him this?" He levitated a knife over, passing it over to Syn along with strawberries to hull and slice while he worked on the watermelon. ~~~ Syn shook his head, lips pursed in a slight frown as he took the knife from Bastian and then went to work on the strawberries. "I don't.. want to feel that way. And I understand it. I get it. I can see how different he and I both are and I can understand the appeal for him of the both of us but..." He swallowed hard and then admitted, "It still doesn't stop that doubt from creeping in." Bastian would know what he was talking about. It'd been an obvious battle within himself for quite some time and the situation at present did nothing to help in the least. ~~~ Of course Bastian understood. "So is this part of what is making you question who you are?" He was slowly mulling over the puzzle as he worked, wanting to help Syn find a way to be at peace with himself. ~~~ "No," he replied quickly, before he had a chance to really think about it. After he did, he had to amend that answer. "Maybe. I just... I always thought that I would be good at this, that I could just.. handle anything and be anyone that someone else wanted me to be but..." He shoved a bunch of strawberries that had been capped and sliced to the side before grabbing a few more from the nearby container. "Maybe I've changed. Maybe I just... need more." ~~~ "There's nothing wrong with that," Bastian said quietly, wanting to soothe. "Both as a person and as a lover and a submissive. Your partner, your Dom can not please you if you do not know what it is you need." Bastian set his knife down, stepping closer to Syn. They may have agreed to be friends, but that didn't stop him from feeling something a bit deeper. Right now, he ached for this beautiful man. ~~~ Syn exhaled a breath and then shook his head softly. "I don't wanna ruin anything." He shifted his gaze up to look at Bastian and said in a soft voice, "He's been through so much. He's just now starting to feel better. And if I can just... tough it out and be okay with this then maybe.." He case his gaze downward once more and added, "I just want him to be okay, happy." ~~~ Bastian reached out, tucking a lock of Syn's hair back behind his ear. "You say so much about how he depends on you. If that were entirely the case, he wouldn't share you with another as well." They were brutal words, but it was how Bastian saw it. Syn deserved no less than the truth. "You're only giving him half of yourself, and it's the half he expects. What about the rest of you?" ~~~ That wasn't exactly the truth that he wanted to hear, but Bastian was always one to put it out there. And he couldn't answer that question right now. So he decided to put back on the table something that Bastian himself had just said. "I'm trying to ease him into it." He looked back up at him. "We can figure it out together, I guess." ~~~ "Cop out," Bastian whispered. Still, he stepped back, giving Syn the space he seemed to need so badly. Picking his knife back up, he continued slicing the fruit, letting Syn think and speak when he wanted. ~~~ "I just need... a little time." Syn took a deep breath and then returned back to his kitchen duties, slicing the rest of the berries. "I'm glad I came to see you," he remarked after a moment more. "I'm tired of avoiding the cafeteria." He smiled. "Devon makes wonderful pancakes, but man cannot live on pancakes alone." ~~~ "You never had to avoid the cafeteria. I'm usually back here, not up front." Bastian knew that was the reason Syn didn't come by. He was worried they'd run into each other. They had a better chance of that out on campus than they did here. "Matt should be here soon. You can keep working on the berries if you want. I need to get the eggs started." ~~~ "I know but... Just in case." Syn smiled shyly. It was ridiculous and he knew it but he hadn't been ready to face him just yet. "I should probably go," he said at the mention of someone else showing up. "I don't wanna get you in trouble or anything." He smiled a little. That was a dumb thing to say since he ran this kitchen, but still. "But I can finish the berries first though, if you want." ~~~ Bastian nodded for Syn to continue. Matt liked to sneak his girlfriend in here during cleanup, so he wouldn't have any room to speak about Syn's slicing. "You finish up there." Flicking his fingers, the ovens were turned on, and Bas moved to another table to start in on the rest of breakfast. ~~~ "Okay," Syn replied softly, making quick work of the rest of the berries. He popped the last one in his mouth instead of slicing it, casting a sheepish grin in Bastian's direction before he moved to wash his hands. "All done," he remarked once he'd finished washing and drying his hands. He felt like there was more he needed to say, wanted to say, but he couldn't really think of anything just now and since his help would be arriving soon, it was probably best to leave it. ~~~ Bastian glanced over, pausing in the middle of cracking eggs. He hated that boxed powder shit and refused to use it. "Thank you. For the help and for stopping by." Bas started to crack again and froze. "I hope....I hope you find what you're looking for." ~~~ Syn smiled a little and replied, "Thank you for not kicking me out the door." He exhaled a small laugh, then frowned a little at that last part. "You too," he said in a small voice, and then he hesitated for a very brief moment before he turned to head out the door. Maybe he could sleep now. He definitely needed it.