Wednesday 28th January 09 Who: Charlie and Ava When: Their anniversary Where: The bridge in Boston where they got married What: An unplanned reunion
Charlie had arrived late the night before. The trip wasn’t well thought out or even planned more than a few days in advance, but with everything going on in his life, he felt the need to be in Boston on his anniversary. He was supposed to be there to renew his vows. That wasn’t going to happen now. This was a bit like visiting his mother’s grave. He was coming to pay his respects and mourn what was lost.
Leaving the hotel, Charlie took a cab to within a block of the pedestrian bridge where he and Ava had said ‘I do.’ Charlie wanted to walk a bit in the cold and snow. It was a beautiful night. Despite the low temperature, it would have been a perfect evening for a wedding.
When Charlie reached the bridge, he felt, for just a moment, like jumping off it. Too bad the water wasn’t all that far below, and he’d be totally fine. Besides, he’d promised too many people that he wasn’t going to do anything stupid to hurt himself in the near future, and Charlie didn’t like breaking promises. But that’s what he was doing right now. He’d promised to spend the rest of his life with Ava. As soon as she signed the divorce papers, she’d be out of his life forever.
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Ava had had today on her mind for a while now. People had tried to keep her occupied, and she was very grateful for the people she seemed to have managed to surround herself with, but they couldn’t keep her mind from going back to it. On this day, one year ago, not knowing who she was, or who he was, Ava married Charlie, secure in the only thing she really knew, that she loved him. Now here she was, in control of her memories, but pondering divorce papers, and living on the other side of the country to him. What a year.
She really didn’t know where she was going until she found herself approaching the maritime park. How appropriate. Climbing out of the car, Ava wandered through the snow, thinking back on that day. Looking up as she almost reached the bridge, she was surprised to see a figure she was sure she recognised. It couldn’t be though..... There was only one way to find out..... Or she could turn around and leave. Even if it was who she thought it was, he probably wanted to be alone... She had to know though, and so Ava walked closer, just intending to see and maybe slip away if she wanted... except she slipped, and cursed, leaving him no doubt as to who was behind him if it was indeed her husband ahead.
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Charlie wasn’t expecting to see Ava. He had no plans for visiting the school. Again, this was similar to his frequent trips to Morgan’s grave. Charlie did so alone, and he didn’t talk about it afterward. It was meant to be a private moment with only his thoughts for company. But a little gust of wind hit him, and he smelled Ava. A fraction of a second later, as Charlie was turning his head, he witnessed her slip on the walkway. His gut reaction was to rush over and make sure she was okay, something he would have done with just about anyone, because he was a caring person. But Charlie managed to keep his feet firmly planted. He stared at Ava for a moment in silence, then he looked back out at the water and fiddled with the scarf around his neck. He was wearing jeans, a thick sweater and scarf, a wool coat, and a baseball cap. Charlie wasn’t all that concerned about fashion right now.
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Definitely Charlie. Ava caught herself and just waited for his reaction. Calm, not a word, turning away from her... maybe she should leave him be. He was here first. These were all logical thoughts, but since when did Ava’s body ever seem to obey the logic? She walked over and stood next to him, looking out at the water, just like Charlie himself was doing. “I didn’t expect to see you here....” She said softly, not looking at him.
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The edges of the water were iced over, but a sliver of liquid still ran free in the center. It simply refused to give in to winter’s freezing cold grip. Charlie was like that in a way. A part of him simply couldn’t surrender to reality. He knew this relationship was doomed, but he kept fighting for it. At least on the inside. On the outside, Charlie was shutting down. He kept an emotionless face, had stopped talking about Ava, and was trying to pretend he was just fine. Ava knew better, but that’s what the divorce papers were for.
“I had to come,” was all he said in return. Charlie was likely more surprised than Ava. Shouldn’t she be on a date or something?
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Ava doubted anyone believed that Charlie was fine, and he hadn’t even pretended to be fine when they last spoke. Standing here, seeing him closed off from her, and knowing he wasn’t doing so well.... it hurt. She was sure people had been telling him about her and how she seemed to be moving on, and although she hoped he knew her well enough to know a lot of that was an act, she wasn’t sure. The papers and this act suggested not.
Nodding she looked at him briefly and then back out. “I didn’t realise where I was going until I was almost here.... I guess we had the same thought.... Is this ok? I can go if you want to be alone...”
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Charlie thought he knew Ava. He thought he knew her better than almost anyone, excluding Ana. That certainty was fading though. Charlie purposely didn’t ask anyone about Ava, because he was afraid of what he might learn. Then again, his assumptions were just as damaging. He had no doubt she was seeing other people.
“The bridge doesn’t belong to me. You can stay.” A part of him wanted so badly to hold her, kiss her, ask one more time if she’d come to California with him. But Charlie was fighting that side of himself, trying to be rational for once and give Ava what she wanted. To move on.
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Assumptions were a dangerous thing, but they were probably no worse than what people could tell him, or possibly what was going on. She had been on a date, and she had slept with other men, both things Charlie probably thought she was doing.
“I didn’t ask about that. I was asking what you want me to do.” She said wearily. “If you want to be alone, I’ll go. This obviously means something to you, being here right now. I can come back another time. I don’t want to make things harder here.” Damn this. Trying to be adult about everything and civil, neutral, was hard.
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Charlie finally turned on her, his expression one of hurt and anger. “Of course it means something to me. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything to you though.. if you’re willing to leave.” Did she really think anything would make this easier for him? Charlie was doing everything he could to give Ava what she wanted, but that was hard to do, when it seemed she didn’t know what she wanted.
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Sighing, Ava stood up properly and looked at him. “I don’t want to argue with you. This place has meaning, and I do want to be here, but that doesn’t mean it has to be at the same time as you if it’s too hard. I’m trying to do what’s right for you.” She was too tired of all of this to fight with him or go through even more awkwardness, hurt and anger.
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Charlie paused, his features softening and then dropping to show the pain he felt. “No you’re not. None of this is right.” Charlie fiddled with the buttons on his coat, looked out at the water again, and then started walking off. This was why he never took anyone with him when he went to visit his mother. Painful memories were even more so when you couldn’t be alone with them.
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She couldn’t win. They couldn’t win. This was always going to be messy and frustrating, and Ava screamed under her breath before taking a deep, unnecessary breath. “I’m leaving. If you feel like helping text me or get someone else to tell me when you’ve gone.” She called after him, and stalked back to her car. She needed a drink, or more.
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“Fucking stay. I have a flight back in a few hours. No point in me staying,” he snapped back as he turned around and stopped walking for a moment. “I offered to stay.. you didn’t want me to.” Granted, it would have been hard, because Charlie didn’t feel right about living that far away from Maggie, but given how hurt she was by the end of his marriage, maybe it would have been better. She was falling apart out in California, and it all felt like Charlie’s fault.
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Ava turned back to him and let him snap at her, because she deserved that and worse, she knew. “No, I didn’t want you to stay for me, because you’d resent it. Your family is your life, and living that far away from them, Maggie going through this. without you being able to at least be there for her, would kill you, and you would resent me for being the reason you stayed.” She told him, a little bit of fight back in her voice. “And who knows? Maybe this is how it should be. Maybe you and I were meant to burn bright, but short. Things had already been falling apart. This is probably for the best.”
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“This is the reason Maggie’s falling apart. She’s afraid to call you. She thinks you don’t want to talk to her. I’m not so sure she’s wrong about that. Ana says you’ve been just fine since we left.” Of course, Ana also said it was possible that was all and act, and Ava was a better actor than Charlie. She always had been.
“Why haven’t you signed the papers and mailed them back to the lawyer?” The waiting was making him sick. He didn’t want her to sign, but he figured she would, and dragging it out the way she was fucking sucked.
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“Of course I want to talk to her, but you wanted her to have a clean break, and I wanted to respect that. I didn’t want to upset her or make this even harder for her to move on.” Aaargh! This was too hard! “You were still all a part of my life even if I AM moving on, and Ana wouldn’t tell you I was falling apart even if I was. Why? Is that what you want to hear? That I spend my time miserable or curled in a ball crying for you? Would that make you feel better? You know that’s not who I am. People leave. I move on. Believe me, it doesn’t help to know others are miserable.” Ava really needed to calm down, stop making this worse and continuing this arguement.
Maybe this was her wake up call. “Because I wasn’t sure that a divorce was what I wanted! Because there was a small part of me holding out for things to somehow work out, but fine! I’ll sign them when I get back and send them as soon as I can. This is obviously not about to work itself out. Goodbye Charlie. Happy anniversary. I hope you enjoy the song I sent.” She shook her head, refusing to acknowledge the tears pricking at her eyes as she turned and walked away.
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“Fuck that, Ava. I asked you not long after leaving if Maggie could still call you. The clean break thing wasn’t working, at least not on my side of things. Sounds like it’s working out just great for you.” People leave, Ava moves on. “Do you even visit your parents’ graves? That’s why I came here. Not because I felt like torturing myself, but because I needed to mourn and pay respect to what I’ve lost.”
“How exactly do you think this is going to work out!” he shouted at her. “You don’t want me moving back, you won’t move to California, and you asked me to let you move on. There’s nothing happy about that. We don’t live in a fucking fairy tale... where it all works out in the end. You run off to fuck other people, and I sit around waiting for the day when I can die without hurting my family in the process. So fuck our anniversary. There’s nothing worth celebrating.” Charlie was furious and hurt. He hadn’t seen or heard any song of hers, and if it was waiting for him when he got back, he’d probably throw it away. He fiddled with his wedding ring when she started walking off, ripping it off his finger and tossing it. “I’ll sell the car and send you a check,” he barked after her.
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She couldn’t do this anymore. She couldn’t fight with him, she couldn’t say she was sorry, and she couldn’t answer his questions or his accusations without bursting into tears of frustration and pain. She just couldn’t do this anymore. Letting him get it all out, she stopped, not turning back to face him, just standing there as she spoke. “You left. You walked out when I was vulnerable, and I refuse to wallow in that pain I felt when I was back to myself again and knew what happened.” Ava spoke, her voice thick with unshed tears. “Keep the car, or the money. It’s yours. I don’t want anything back. And you can tell anyone you want how I’m a heartless bitch who sleeps around and doesn’t care, if it helps. I give up.” And with that she was gone, with no intentions of stopping or talking again. This had to end. Now.
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“I made a fucking mistake!” he shouted. He knew he screwed up in leaving while her memory was screwed up. It was cowardly. But at the time it had seemed like the right thing to do. Charlie never claimed to be perfect or make intelligent decisions. He screwed up a lot. “It would have ended like this no matter what.” They both knew what was coming. Charlie just hoped to avoid a painful goodbye, at least on her end. It had been extremely painful for him.
Charlie wouldn’t keep the car, and he wouldn’t use the money. If Ava didn’t want any of it back, he’d do the same thing he’d done with the motorcycle Davia gave him. He’d sell it and use the money to take care of Maggie. As for the rest, he’d never say such things. He still loved her too much to criticise her to others like that.
With Ava walking away, Charlie walked back to the bridge. He climbed up to sit on the edge, his legs dangling over the water. This is what he came here to do. To say goodbye to what was lost. He had to let go of Ava and their marriage. He wasn’t going to move on, but he had to say goodbye. Properly this time.