Saturday - January 24th, 2009
Who: Alex and Lloyd When: Evening Where: Lloyd's Apartment What: confrontations and ultimatums
The boxes were taking over the apartment. Lloyd's one anyway. Though he found packing to be theraputic he knew that he would most likely not enjoy the end result of this - having to take everything back out, days after finishing, then arrange it, then take away the rubbish. It seemed neverending. He was getting on with it though, in true Lloyd style, making sure everything was oh-so-neatly stored in the cardboard boxes, clearly labelled, so that nothing could get lost. In theory. He didn't trust the removal men to keep his prized possessions unharmed.
"Alex? Could you get me another black marker please this one's run out." He said it with a pout on his lips as he threw away his third marker of the day. So what if he was thorough? ~~~ Alex had been waiting, biting his tongue and biding his time. He was certain in the beginning that the ring had been Lloyd's idea of a romantic joke or something so he had kept it, had said nothing, and waited for the other man to mention it. But as time went on and he didn't say a word, he knew that was wrong. It was driving him crazy, wondering who had sent it and why and whether or not it had anything to do with Lloyd. He couldn't wait any longer. So instead of handing the other man another marker, which he had gotten up from the living room floor to go get, he grabbed the ring instead and placed it into Lloyd's hand without a word, waiting for the other man's response. ~~~ At first Lloyd laughed, wondering what was going on, but then he saw the ring and his face fell in surprise, and in sadness. That ring had been for Garret, perhaps as a parting gift, but Garret had lived up to his word and had sent it away. Alex had got it. And now Alex was probably wondering what the fuck it was. "How'd you - get this?" he asked softly, already knowing the answer but not knowing what to say. ~~~ The reaction on his face was noted as Alex moved to take a seat on the nearby sofa, his expression difficult to read though his blue eyes looked troubled. "Someone mailed it to me along with a letter saying it was mine." He paused before he observed, "So you've seen it before." ~~~ "Yeah," said Lloyd softly, staring at it. He then blinked and shook himself from his reverie, glancing at Alex. "I saw it last in Wales. Old jewellery shop." He looked at the ring once again before he stepped over and placed it on a shelf like it meant nothing, hoping that Alex wasn't going to yell at him or that he didn't know more than he was letting on.... ~~~ The fact that he was trying to just walk away from it instead of talking to him about whatever the fuck was going on with this ring really pissed Alex off. "Hmm," he replied, and then fell eerily silent, staring down at his hands. ~~~ Silence was never a good th ing with Alex. There was being quiet, which was his usual thing, but silence was... different. Not good. Lloyd knew that there was nothing to be done about it unless he actually admitted it, but he didn't want to do that either. Time to grow some balls. "Garret sent it to you," he said softly. "Because I sent it to him, as a parting gift.... I got it in Wales.... and I sent it." ~~~ "Oh," Alex replied simply, thinking it over for a moment before he clarified. "So you bought your ex-fiance a ring while you and I were in Wales together and sent it to him? And didn't tell me about it?" ~~~ At that, Lloyd groaned. "I know,it sounds really really bad... but... it wasn't for that reason. It wasn't a proposal, just... I said that for years I wanted to buy it for him, and it was still fucking there and if I didn't finally do it and get it over with, close it, then.... I needed him to have it. And it appears he didn't want anything to fucking do with it." ~~~ Alex sort of laughed, but then he quickly regained his composure. "So if it wasn't bad and wasn't wrong and didn't mean anything more than just... Whatever you meant for it to mean, then why not tell me?" He glanced over at the shelf where he had placed it and added, "And why consider lying about it when I've come to you to find out the story behind it?" ~~~ "I didn't.... want to tell you because it looks so fucking bad! And I didn't want to ruin anything on our holiday, because I know how you are about Garret." This was looking worse by the second and he was already almost in tears but held anything back. "I didn't consider lying. I was just choosing the right words." ~~~ Alex could feel this knot forming in the pit of his stomach accompanied by this sort of sinking, sick feeling. He inhaled a deep breath as he scrubbed his eyes with his hands and then exhaled in a soft breath, "I can't do this anymore." ~~~ It was like all breath left him, and his eyes shut tight. This was it. Alex was going to leave him, nothing would ever be the same now. He'd go back to being alone, and stupid, and completely fucking retarded because he couldn't just fucking leave alone. Swallowing, Lloyd replied in a whisper. "D'you...." What did Alex mean? Moving in, them, the conversation? "Ok." ~~~ "This makes me feel like a fucking idiot," Alex said quite suddenly, moving to his feet. He started to pace a bit as he spoke. "I mean I thought that, you know, this hold that he has on you would just sort of fizzle out as we got closer to one another, but I was wrong. It's never going to change, is it?" He turned to look at him and asked, "If I walked out this door right now and never came back, he's the person you'd go cry to about it, isn't he?" ~~~ Lloyd looked at Alex, beautiful Alex who was just so perfecta nd who didn't deserve any of this shit, and felt himself slump a little. With tears in his eyes the demon watched him and then shook his head immediately. "No. I don't have anyone to - to talk to this about, if you walked out of here I'd fucking follow you.... because I don't want to lose you, Alex, you have to believe me..." ~~~ "Then why don't you fucking act like it for once?" Alex could feel his own eyes burning, but he refused to allow himself to be brought to tears right now. "You know what you make me feel like? Like.. a fucking show piece." He dragged his fingers back through his hair. "Your perfect fiance who does nothing wrong, who is smart and funny and understanding, who you can flaunt in front of your family and friends because I fit all the requirements to make them happy for you, but that's all it is. I'm the fucking checklist, the idea, but HE'S the one you're really thinking about." ~~~ This was horrible. Lloyd coudln't bear to see Alex so upset and he hated it even more that he'd been the one to cause this. With his face falling, he went to step up to him then thought twice and kept his distance. His entire body was shaking and he just wanted him to stop talking. "I'm so sorry.... I never ever wanted you to feel like that, at all, there's nothing.... I love you, Alex, I want a family with you.... I am so fucking sorry that I've made you feel.... this way.... please..." ~~~ It was a good thing he didn't come toward him. His temper was too unstable at the moment. He kept flip flopping between being hurt and being angry and he really just needed to get out of there right now. So he made a decision. "Because I love you, you get a choice. But I don't want you to make it right now. I don't want a rushed decision that you're going to go back on in a week or two. I want you to really, really think about things and I want you to decide whether you're going to hang on to the past with him or move into the future with me, because I'm not going to do this anymore, Lloyd." He shook his head. "I'm not going to be made to feel like I'm a surrogate and nothing more. So you think about it." He walked over toward the door as he spoke. "And you can give me a call when you finally make up your mind." ~~~ This wasn't good. Alex was giving him a choice where there really should be no choice at all. Speechless, Lloyd blinked at him several moments, tears streaming down his face. "Alex..." He didn't want him to go. He couldn't bear to see him go, and he didn't want to be left alone. Not without Alex. "Please don't do this.... Where are you going to go?" ~~~ "I don't know," Alex replied honestly. Then he laughed. "Does it really matter? I just.. can't stay here right now so..." He grabbed his coat and pulled it on, opening the door to head out. ~~~ Lloyd couldn't help it. He was over to Alex in seconds, arms clinging around his body and grabbing him almost as if he were dangling from a cliff and Alex were the rock. He was overheating and panicked, needing to have him there. "Please don't leave me." Though everything was shaking, he tried to speak evenly. "I can't.... be without you..." ~~~ Fuck, this was what he wanted to avoid. He tried to gently pry the other man off of him. "And I can't be with you. Not right now. Not with him still in the picture." And as much as Lloyd tried to say that it had meant nothing, it had been innocent, he would have told him had that been the case. Alex was nothing if not understanding. ~~~ Lloyd couldn't bear to be prised away and tried his best to keep hold of him, tears flowing freely. "I don't know what you want.... do.... you want me to move fucking country with you? What? I don't know what... to do, Alex..." ~~~ Alex growled, getting a bit more forceful with him now in trying to get him to let him go. "You can start by letting me go, Lloyd, and giving me my fucking space when I've asked for it!" ~~~ Realising this was fucking pathetic but still sobbing Lloyd let the other man go and stepped back, almost recoiling like he'd been burned. He hung his head, sheepish. He couldn't expect Alex to just stay here and accept everything, to switch back to 'it's ok Lloyd!' territory. Instead he sniffled and backed away, feeling hopeless. "I'll... call you. Then." ~~~ Alex nodded his head, but then he stood there for a moment, quiet and still before he said in a soft voice, "I still love you and..." He exhaled a breath. "I hope that you pick me." He could stand it no longer after that, and turned to quickly make his exit. ~~~ He could fucking kill Garret. He cold fucking kill himself, what a stupid dick! Soon as the door was closed Lloyd growled, almost screamed and grabbed the nearest object, throwing it at the wall. He wasn't going anywhere, he certainly wasn't going to Garret.... so after smashing several things Lloyd slumped to the floor, thoroughly hating himself.