Lyle Majors (smartassets) wrote in tiberiusswann, @ 2011-07-26 10:05:00 |
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Entry tags: | fisher, lyle |
Friday January 2nd 2009
Who: Fisher and Lyle
What: One of those conversations
Where: Their apartment
When: Afternoon
Rating: PG 13 for language
This wasn't going to be easy. As Fisher shut the door to the apartment, his heart sank. He knew that he was being completely, totally selfish and that Lyle was probably going to be furious and he'd have every right to be. He knew that this was impulsive and stupid and he should just forget it altogether, scrap the idea and never think about it again. But he couldn't. He couldn't let this go because this was just everything he wanted. It was everything James wanted, too. It was what they both needed. Distance, space, nobody else. No judgements from people, no more looks. No more responsibility. Everyone in James' world just took from him, demanded things and then put him down when he wasn't living up to their expectation. There was only one person in Fisher's world, and he never asked anything, he never demanded anything. He was always understanding, patient, and Fisher was about to stomp all that. Push it to its limit. Because, in a way, Fisher knew that Lyle wouldn't stand in the way of him leaving. But he would be hurt by it. And he knew that he could just save his brother hurt and betrayal and anger by not even asking him, but...
Knocking softly on Lyle's bedroom door, Fisher peeked his head in. "Hey," he said quietly, his voice almost too afraid to be too loud. Lyle was going to hate him. That look he was getting right now, the patient, kind half smile, was going to disappear so fast. "Um... can I talk to you a sec? It's kinda important."
Putting down his Xbox controller, Lyle watched his brother carefully as he took a seat on the bed. He had been kicking some serious ass in Assassin's Creed until Fisher came in, and he was in a pretty decent mood. He hadn't expected to see his brother though. He was supposed to be with James, and when it came to James, Fisher could vanish for who knew how long. With Will moved out of the apartment, he was actually a little surprised Fisher hadn't moved in already. But that look on his brother's face now, the seriousness and possibly nervousness in his eyes... Sitting up, Lyle crossed his legs and turned to better face his brother. This was really going to be something.
Sitting carefully on the edge of the bed, Fisher's eyes were looking down at his hands, which were fidgeting on a loose thread on the bedspread. "I uh... I kinda wanna... talk to you about.... ugh fuck this is um... I don't even know how to say this." He should just go. Say nevermind, walk away, tell James that he couldn't, never mind, he had to stay here and be with Lyle because he'd promised he wouldn't abandon him anymore and he'd always be here for him no matter what. He didn't even notice for a moment that there was a notepad sitting on his lap, Lyle's handwriting scribbled across the page.
Where are you two going?
Looking up at his brother, Fisher studied Lyle's face. He didn't look mad. He looked... amused. He was kind of smiling. That was incredibly confusing. "I... how did you know I was...?" Patiently, Lyle tapped the note, the half smile never leaving his face. Swallowing, Fisher shrugged a little. "Vegas, I think."
Nodding a little, tongue running over his teeth, Lyle considered a moment, took back his notepad and scribbled again. How long?
"Um... forever?" Almost cringing, Fisher looked up at Lyle, shaggy hair falling over his forehead. "He sorta just... he needs to get away from everything. I mean people just keep piling on expectation and he's trying to please everyone but nobody even cares and it's just... he's at the end of his rope and I hate watching this, and if everyone is just gonna do whatever the hell they want then why should he ever bother being here and it just... I just want to help, and I can't, and I don't know what else to do." Chewing his lip a moment, he sighed heavily, shoulders slumping. "But... then there's you. And you're at the end of your rope and I promised I'd be here, and I should be... I should be." Sighing, Fisher rubbed his hands over his face, groaning into his palms."I should be here. I shouldn't have even considered this, I'm sorry, I take it back. Just forget I even asked, I didn't mean it. I'll stay."
Lyke couldn't pretend that he didn't think something like this would happen sooner or later. After all, it was Fisher he was dealing with. And with Fisher came James, and unhealthy obsession, and Fisher never followed through on things he said he would. The world revolved around James, it always had, and Lyle wasn't dumb enough to think he would be an exception. But he wasn't angry about it. Maybe because he had known it was coming all along, maybe because he didn't need Fisher here with him, as nice as it was to have him. Maybe because life would be easier without his brother. So moving closer to the small, black-bedecked medium, Lyle nudged him gently with his shoulder to get his attention. Both hands made a brief sweeping motion toward the door- Go.
Brow furrowing, Fisher looked up at his brother, confused. "You... are you serious? You actually want me to go? But I thought... but..." How was Lyle being so okay with this? Was this a trap or something? Was he actually so completely furious with Fisher right now that he was faking this? He couldn't tell. Fisher could usually tell when Lyle was fucking with him, but he couldn't right now. Which made him think this was honest. Lyle's hands started moving in smooth, sweeping motions, pronouncing words perfectly but way too fast for Fisher to pick them up. "Wait slow down, you just look like you're spazzing right now, I think you said cheese or monster or something."
Frowning and scoffing, Lyle let his hands drop, annoyed. Fisher was supposed to be learning this shit, though again, he wasn't surprised that his brother hadn't bothered. So he went back to the notepad, writing quickly but legibly. Sign language had been an awesome idea, though it was only half awesome because if only one person was speaking it, then it was totally useless.
You want to be with him, don't you? And if it wasn't for me, and you feeling like you have to take care of me, you would be going with him without hesitation, wouldn't you? How do you think I'm gonna feel seeing your face every day knowing that I'M the reason you stayed behind? I don't want that obligation and guilt. So get the fuck outta here. Go be happy, be in love. I'm good here.
Fisher read the note over and over, his brain reluctant to absorb the information. Lyle was right. If he wasn't a factor, if he was okay, if he was like he had been before, Fisher would already be packing his bags. And while it wasn't okay for Fisher to just leave him behind, maybe it was less okay to stay here and make Lyle feel like shit for being what kept him here. They both knew he wanted to go. "I'm... kind of an asshole," Fisher said finally, laughing a little. "Wow. I shouldn't have even told you, I should've just... just said no. Not be going. I shouldn't want to go."
Nodding, Lyle agreed on all points, resting his shoulder against Fisher's. Yes, his brother was indeed an asshole, and he should have been putting Lyle before James. But that wasn't reality. Reality was Fisher being an idiot, and following James like a puppy. Pen poised, Lyle leaned over Fisher's shoulder, circling a choice phrase, just in case he'd been unclear before. get the fuck outta here.
"You really want me gone, huh?" Smiling a little, Fisher glanced at his brother. "Not that I blame you. I'm not doing you much good, am I? I mean I tried, but... I don't know what you want. People keep giving me advice on how to handle you, and I don't know what I should be doing, but I know that most of what they tell me is wrong." Pausing a moment, he laughed softly. "Sometimes I think you have a better handle on your own self destruction than I do. It's like... like you know what's wrong with you, and you know what you need to do to get over it, and you know how much time you'll need and everything. I feel like I'm sitting here while you fix yourself and I'm totally useless."
Shaking his head a bit, Lyle did something Fisher hadn't heard him do in months. He laughed. Just a little, briefly, but it happened. Sounds about right he agreed, writing awkwardly on the notepad. He knew what was wrong with him. He knew why he was stunted, he knew what he needed to do to fix it. But he didn't want to. He liked the break. When you were broken, people didn't depend on you, didn't expect too much. They didn't ask anything of you but to get better and you could be a little selfish and no one judged you for it. It was no wonder Fisher spent so much time wallowing in his own problems.
"So... you really don't mind me going? I mean, really? Because I'll stay here with you. I mean it. And it won't be because you're forcing me to, I want to. Well I mean, I want to be here for you if you want me here. I wanna be a good brother."
Wrinkling his mouth in thought, Lyle took a moment before responding. Taking back his notepad, he turned the page and wrote carefully, handing it back to Fisher with a solemn expression.
You'd be a great brother if you let me play with your legos.
"No fucking way!" Fisher cried, grinning and smacking Lyle with his own notepad. "You'll lose all the horns on their helmets! Little brothers ruin legos!"
You are selfish! Lyle signed, slow enough that Fisher would understand.
"I am not! I just know better. You lost every good piece to my Camelot set, and you took all the monkeys from the pirates! AND you lost all the gold pieces for the treasure chests! And don't give me that face!" he cried, pointing at Lyle. "I don't care that you were only four at the time! You still ruined my legos."
There was no denying that yes, as a four year old, Lyle had ruined all of Fisher's lego sets. But he wasn't going to apologize for his actions as a preschooler, so instead he just gave Fisher the finger and moved back onto his bed, grabbing the Xbox controller and unpausing his game. So, Fisher was leaving. That probably meant Lyle had to give up the apartment, which was a damn shame because he liked having a stove. Maybe he would just stay here until they kicked him out. After all, there was a possibility that Fisher could come back, and he would need a place to stay. Of course, since he had James now, what reason would he have to come back?
"Will you tell people?" Fisher's voice was quiet, but it broke through Lyle's thoughts. Rolling his eyes, the young vampire nodded. Yes, he would let people know while Fisher ran away under cover of darkness. Because that's what Fisher did. And staying behind, cleaning up messes... that's what Lyle did.
Watching his brother seemingly ignore him a moment, Fisher sighed, softly. He knew damn well what a dick he was. He knew Lyle deserved better than this. And he wanted to give it to him, but... Fisher needed reassurance that he was wanted somewhere, that he was needed. James needed him. James made him feel like the air of the world would vanish and the demon would die if Fisher was not with him. But Lyle didn't need anything. He was capable, and self sufficient, and a hell of a lot stronger than anyone else Fisher had ever known in his entire life. "I'll Skype you," he said finally. "All the time. And I'll learn sign language like I said I would. Hell, I'll even teach James so when we come to visit, you two can yell and insult one another like you always do. And... and if you talk to someone, I mean like even one word, even if it's by accident you'd better fucking call me up or text me or something because-"
Holding up a hand, Lyle paused in Fisher's rant, long enough that he could grab his notepad and write down a very important message. One that made Fisher finally shut up (thank God) and hug his brother for a long, long time.
I love you too, retard.