Tuesday 16th December 2008
Who: Will (Haddon & Wesley later) Where: The BGH / Will's room When: All through Tuesday, and a bit on Weds morning What: Trying to escape. Note: Swearing?
If Monday had not been stressful enough Tuesday brought its own battles. Will was attempting to forget everything he felt as a seventeen year old, all the memories it had brought lingering like fresh scars in his mind and he was compensating by being bright and cheerful, announcing his return back from teendom. Every time he tried he never quite seemed to get there. After waking up to an empty room he’d been relieved, grateful to be back in his bed but also quite sad. It had been rare that he’d woken without someone with him. In fact since meeting Haddon he’d probably been alone in bed or the bedroom for ten months out of Fifty years. The teenager that still lingered in his head reasoned that it was fine, he’d slept on the streets and barns way before then, had managed alone. What was his problem? But there wasn’t any getting rid of this ache that seemed to stick in his stomach.
The hardest part was smiling. He’d never known effort quite like smiling when he wanted to cry, just so he seemed happy and fine and moving on. It took all his energy and when he had little to begin with it was a long, painful process. He was constantly torn between believing being a teen had been better than this, and that he’d never ever want to be in that blonde’s mindset again. When he spoke to people he tried to tell himself he was happy. He sang Back in Black quietly, putting emphasis on the words and waiting for them to sink in. It didn’t happen.
In a moment of what seemed divine decision Will returned to his room and began to pack. He wasn’t going to take much and he wasn’t going to agonise over which items should have priority. He just needed to go, leave, get away from this fucking place and make a new start for himself. He’d forget these people. They would forget him. It was always how the story went, out of sight out of mind. Devon was a grown up he’d be ok. James had Fisher. Pearl had Vinnie. Ana had Adam. Syn had Ikon, and coincidentally so did Rocky. Will was just a single blip amongst the crowds and nobody would miss a blip.
It was such a 17 year old thing to do but Will had done it countless times so why stop now? His hand lingered on a photograph of him and Devon, when Devon was still five, or six, he couldn’t recall when it was taken. Everything was so fucked up. After a moment he shoved it in his bag, along with his box of treasures. He had an empty frame that he’d promised to put a picture of Haddon in but he never got round to it. He couldn’t stand to see his face and know how much he’d failed him. That frame was left behind.
He made it to the grounds of the house, the end of the driveway, prepared to walk or hitch a ride. He stuck out his thumb occasionally but didn’t head further than the gate when he hadn’t managed to get a successful hit. After a frustrating twenty minutes he growled and turned, looking back at the house. Really, he should just start walking. Escape while he still could.
The bag was dumped back into his room with a growl and he threw his entire body onto the bed like a failure. This would be something he’d need to look at differently. He’d look online, book a train or a flight out of here at like 4 in the morning, head on out in the dark. That sounded more like a plan than slumming it with little luggage. After trawling online he finally found a reasonable flight to LA leaving at 3. He’d need to make a stopover but he didn’t care. It was getting late and time was of the essence if he wanted to be prepared.
“I don’t understand,” he said half hour later, to the lady on the phone who had just told him his credit card hadn’t been accepted. “I have the funds in there... well let me try another one, okay?” The other one didn’t work, and neither did the next. He was searching for his spare, knowing that this woman was getting increasingly frustrated. “Look, just wait... I’ll find the card, there must just be some type of... no, I don’t – look bitch, I need a flight NOW!”
The line went dead. Will threw his phone at the wall.
He had never in his life felt as trapped as he did now. In the darkness of midnight the angel attempted sleep but it didn’t welcome him. Trying to sleep recently had been a fucking chore rather than a pleasure. He used to love being in bed, curling up in the sheets, stretching his body all the way out before nuzzling himself around the nearest warm thing he could find. As time blurred Will thought it seemed like it had always been James. Tears stung the back of his eyes and he frowned. He’d had someone other than James, he’d had Haddon. They used to curl up in Haddon’s bed talking about the shit they’d done the previous night. And when Fisher and he had still been friends they used to nap together, Will taking him in his arms and sleeping soundly. More recently Devon had been his cuddle buddy, the tiny person fitting so well before he decided to move like his step-dad and sprawl himself across the bed, taking up the most space. He was so different now.
To Will’s dismay the tears that had been threatening him fell down his cheeks. He wiped them away furiously and rolled onto his side, staring at his room with a frown on his face. It was silent. He didn’t think anyone else was at home but he wasn’t about to venture out to make sure. If he was alone it’d be just peachy, unsurprising, quite apt. Alone was all he ever seemed to be nowadays.
Struggling to keep his emotions at bay his attention was caught by a noise in the room. There was just enough light from the hall and window to see that, clearly, nobody was there but Will knew otherwise. He raised his head and said nothing, just listening. Right infront of him he saw the chosen frame for Haddon wobble, still, then get shoved over. Will sighed.
“Haddon?” he murmured, feeling his emotions surge suddenly. A soft, cool breeze across his face was his reply. He’d not experienced this before but it didn’t scare him. In fact he was both comforted and saddened that his friend was with him. “Hi.”
Fuck he wished he could see him. He settled down into the bed, clinging onto the pillow. A few moments passed whilst the angel searched for something to say to him. “I miss you,” he said softly. That was apparently it. It hit him like a hundred bricks collapsing on the bed. He started to cry, unable to contain it any longer. Sobbing like a child he covered his eyes angrily, but it wasn’t to be stopped. “Oh fuck I’m so sick of being alone.” The darkness took his words. “I’m fucking tired of it. I’m tired of missing everyone I get close to. Everyone has someone else that they’re with, and I’m just sitting on the outsides like some fucking sparkly giant misfit.” He growled and angrily wiped at his eyes but the dry patches were instantly covered with further tears as the grief consumed him again.
“I’m scared,” he admitted, the words whimpered through his lips as he turned onto his back, blurred eyes staring at the ceiling. “I don’t know how I can... get through this.” His shoulders shook for several minutes as he continued to weep, forcing out everything he’d buried. His right side began to feel very cold and he knew that Haddon was beside him, comforting him. It only served to bring the tears faster. “If there was ever a time I needed you it’s now, because you were the one with all the emotion shit and the guidance and you... felt so alive all the time, and... fuck. I thought he loved me, he made me believe I was... worth it, and he... persued me, chased me, convinced me, and I fell so FUCKING hard I can’t – I think everything’s broken... and I can’t get back up you know?”
There was a tickling on his hair, imaginary fingers soothing through the strands. Will closed his eyes, calming only slightly. “I’ve lost everyone. “ It was that which hurt him most. “You. James. Fisher. Devon... I mean I still have him but I miss him.... I miss how he used to run up to me with his smiling cherub face and just be so fucking innocent – and he’d pat my hand and tell me everything would be OK, and I believed it. Only when he said it, I didn’t believe anyone else.... And it’s all my fault... “
If Will could have seen Haddon he’d have seen the pained expression and sympathy that was radiating from his face. He’d wiped away the traces of tears but they continued to fall, every time Will spoke. The angel thought he felt the cold shift and he dragged the sheets up over his face, ashamed at himself. He hadn’t cried this much in – ever. It was gut-wrenching, hard sobs that he’d refused to entertain. All he’d ever be was alone. He deserved to be alone.
Somewhere inbetween his harsh breaths he heard the door open, the light from the hall catching his face. Wesley stood in the doorway, looking concerned.
“I heard talking...” he explained, feeling a bit put on the spot as soon as those puffed up, smokey blue eyes set on him. He’d continue with a dumb question, but... “Are you – ok?”
“Just go away,” Will snapped, following it with a deep sniff. He couldn’t breathe. Wesley stalled and Will sounded more desperate. “Just PLEASE go away...” he whimpered, a hand coming to cover his tear-stained face as the healer lingered in the doorway.
Wesley made to leave, then paused, frowning. The guy was in pain, that much he could see. He wasn’t one to walk away from that.
A second later and Will felt the covers moving. Wesley settled himself in the bed next to him, shoving the angel up enough that he could lean back comfortably. He didn’t lie down but wrapped his arms around Will, bringing him gently to his chest. Will didn’t even protest it. Startled by this show of affection and care he allowed himself to be drawn in tight, embraced in firm and comforting arms that were reassuring him it was ok. Even afterwards Will didn’t think he’d be able to show how grateful he was for that moment. He didn’t feel as lost, or alone, and he knew it was safe to let out his sorrow.
He did so for an immeasurable amount of time before he realised the tears were subsiding. He still couldn’t breathe, his nostrils completely congested and his head hurt like a motherfucker, but he felt lighter somehow. Quiet. Sensing this relief Wes hugged Will closer to him, encouraging him to rest. It took Will a few moments to close his eyes and drift off into a deep, dreamless sleep.
Just after dawn they both awoke in each other’s arms. For once Will’s mind was calm and not dreading getting up or facing the school. In the beginning of daylight his room was illuminated in spits and spots, like a frost melting beneath the orange sun. The frame intended for Haddon had been returned to its original position. Will found himself smiling and for the first time it wasn’t to hide.
“Morning,” Wesley said softly, bleary eyed. He attempted to stretch when his neck gave an almighty crick. “Oh God... I think I’m broken.”
Will chuckled a little and then pet Wesley’s chest softly. “I’ll fix you.” He shot the healer a very appreciative look then made to move. “Come on. I’ll make you some breakfast. I think I’ve got the hang of pancakes.”
As Wesley refreshed himself in his bathroom Will caught a glance of the bag that had been hastily stuffed full of last-minute belongings. The contents were overturned on his bed as he emptied it, throwing the bag to one side. He’d put them away later. He wasn’t going anywhere.