Wesley Macintyre (wesleythewise) wrote in tiberiusswann, @ 2011-02-18 00:42:00 |
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Entry tags: | roger, wes, wesley |
Monday 13th October
Who: Roger and Wesley
Where: Their apartment
When: Evening
What: Roger's leaving...
This wasn't going to go well. Roger's stomach was in knots, his hands shaking, as he waited for Wesley to come home. What was he going to say? The healer was already having a rough time lately, with being overloaded at work and being exhausted and sick. And now this... Roger knew he wouldn't take it well. He knew that Wesley loved him, hell he would marry him if Roger only indicated he wanted it. How was he going to understand that Roger needed to leave him? Part of the demon thought that he should just vanish, not tell Wes he was even going. Maybe it would be easier not knowing what happened then know the truth. But Wesley would've done anything he could to find Roger. He'd fall apart not knowing. Roger also debated lying to Wes, tell him something easier to understand, like... like maybe that Roger didn't love him anymore. He had almost decided to do that, but Roger knew that he couldn't get the words out without bursting into tears, without breaking the facade. The truth would be best, and be the hardest. But he knew it was right. Sitting on the couch, not watching the show playing in front of him, the demon was twisting a loose thread on his jeans anxiously as he waited. When the front door opened, his heart nearly leapt out of his throat, his mouth suddenly dry. This was it, this was the moment. He wasn't nearly ready for it.
“Good evening my minion!” Wes burst through the door with a bag full of Chinese food in his hand, a grin on his face and a spring in his step. He was finally feeling a little better and wanted to spend a nice evening with Roger, relaxing and eating and maybe kissing. Shooting him a smile as he put the meal on the coffee table and pressed a kiss against his lover’s lips, Wes then slumped next to him, draping himself across him. “How’re you sweets? I got this cause I couldn’t be bothered to – well – let you cook...”
Seeing Wesley in such a good mood, smiling for once and actually being happy... Roger's heart crushed harder in his chest. He couldn't do this. He just had to tell Dante no, that he needed to stay here and wait. Wait and see if the other man ever came back, if the other half of Roger's being would some day turn up on his doorstep or just vanish forever and leave a gaping hollowness in its wake. He couldn't do that either. Barely returning the kiss, Roger tried to smile at Wes, but it fell short. He couldn't even fake one. "Sounds... good," he said softly.
Wes noticed Roger’s demeanor the moment he replied like he was about to die. Furrowing his brow Wesley put his arm around him, cuddling him closer. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly, stroking his shoulder. If his lover was hurting then so was he. “You don’t look excited for chicken chow mein! Waaa!” He did a little cheer as he picked up the bag and made it ‘fly’ before he put it back down again, seeing it wasn’t working.
He couldn't even meet Wesley's eye right now. Face turned away slightly, Roger closed his eyes a moment, trying to build himself up. He could do this. Well no, actually, he couldn't, but he needed to do this. But he couldn't with Wes being so close, touching him like this. Getting to his feet, Roger ran his hands over his face, drawing in a deep breath. "Dante's leaving," he said softly behind his hands. "He's got... an assignment. Like when he left last time, remember? To Tucson?" Letting his hands drop from his face, Roger crossed his arms over his stomach, taking another breath. "He, um... he told me this time before disappearing, he said he doesn't want me to worry."
Roger standing up and moving away from him almost signalled the end of his good mood but he was prepared for being the shoulder he might need to cry on. Listening to him intently Wes nodded. “That’s good, I guess – but you’re still gonna worry,” he added, smiling softly. “He’s a big lug with little other skill than to beat people up but... you’re gonna worry. He’ll be okay, though.” As if the conversation was nearing its end, Wes leant forward to open the bag. “Sit. Eat. Don’t let Dante spoil your appetite.”
"I'm going with him." The words spilled out before Roger was ready, before he could prepare even himself, let alone Wesley. But now they were out, and he couldn't let them just hang in the air. "I can't just sit here and worry, and I can't wonder if he's ever coming back and if he doesn't come back I don't know if I could... I can't live with that. So I'm... I'm gonna go with him and make sure he's okay and do whatever I can." His eyes were still cast away from Wesley's face, looking into the kitchen, because he knew the eyes that would be meeting his and he couldn't handle them.
Wes paused in mid air, letting the bag rip a little and drop to his lap. There was a little grease falling on his jeans but he didn’t notice nor did he care. Staring at Roger like he’d just exploded, Wes felt a twist in his gut. This wasn’t good. “So... you’re gonna let me stay here and worry and wonder if you’re ever coming back...” he said slowly. This couldn’t be happening. Not again. He couldn’t go through the torture of not knowing what the hell was happening or if Roger was safe.
Slowly, Roger shook his head, tears starting to sting his eyes. "I couldn't ask that of you," he whispered, blinking a few times before forcing himself to meet Wesley's eyes. "I know that... you'll just be hurt and y-you'll just... you don't deserve that s-s-so... so I think that we... that we should..." This was hard. This was impossible. He couldn't form the words, couldn't say what he needed to.
If Wes had thought he’d had the stuffing kicked out of him these past few weeks, it was nothing compared to this. Every time Roger spoke a boulder was smashed into Wes’ stomach, pulverising the contents. He tried to swallow but his throat was suddenly dry as he watched Roger’s eyes well up as he struggled to speak. “We should what?” he said, almost challenging despite his attempt to avoid becoming angry. He was just so fucking desperate. “Break up? So then I can be miserable and still fucking worry about where you are and if you’re dead?”
Swallowing, Roger tried to make himself stronger, braver. What would Dante do right now? Well, aside from call Wesley a fag and tell him he wasn't worth the energy. But Dante could handle anything, he was always strong and sure of himself. He could handle this so well. He had handled Erin leaving too well. Roger wished he could have that kind of strength. "I don't know what else to do," he admitted tearily, whispering. "I have to go, and I don't want to leave you but... but I can't leave him. I don't know what else we can do."
Swallowing, Roger tried to make himself stronger, braver. What would Dante do right now? Well, aside from call Wesley a fag and tell him he wasn't worth the energy. But Dante could handle anything, he was always strong and sure of himself. He could handle this so well. He had handled Erin leaving too well. Roger wished he could have that kind of strength. "I don't know what else to do," he admitted tearily, whispering. "I have to go, and I don't want to leave you but... but I can't leave him. I don't know what else we can do."
“It seems like you’ve made up your damn mind already,” Wes snapped, reclining into the sofa and running his hands through his hair. He attempted to take deep breaths but they didn’t help. His Roger was leaving him. For an unknown period of time on a Goddamn suicide mission with Lurch. Wes could feel his body tingling with nerves and his arms were almost shaking as he put his hands over his face. He’d just wanted to eat a nice meal with his boyfriend. Was that so hard? “It’s always gonna be him. Always.”
At least if Wesley was angry then he wasn't crying, but that didn't make this easier to take. Wesley never got angry. Roger didn't flinch, although he wanted to. "Yes," he said softly, ashamed that what Wesley said was true. "It's always going to be him. He's a part of me, Wes. He's like a child to me, like a brother... closer than that. I don't like it, but... that's how it is. I need him."
“And what about me?” Wesley was horrified to hear his voice break at the end but he felt lost. Removing his hands from his face to look up at Roger, eyes misting over, his heart sank completely. He was so beautiful, and now he was leaving him. Wes should have seen it coming. “I need you. I love you. Doesn’t that... is that nothing?”
Wesley's face hid nothing. He was always so open, so honest about his feelings, so raw with them. It made looking at him almost impossible. But Roger tried keeping his voice steady, swallowing down his sadness. "Of course it does," he said quickly. "Of course it matters, I love you. I've never... you don't know what you mean to me, Wesley. I know that this is awful to do to you and I wish I could stay but I don't know what else to do. I don't know what else I can do, I can't just... let him leave, and I can't just not know where he is and worry myself sick and feel empty like before, like part of me was dead and... and I'm sorry, honey... I'm so sorry..." Swallowing, he covered his mouth with one hand, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, Wes. But I can't stay."
Wes snapped his mouth closed then turned to face the TV which was displaying some stupid game or show or whatever it was. Feeling his heart begin to hammer in a panic Wes’ mind started to spin. Roger was leaving him. This was him leaving, going off. The inevitable had happened. Feeling tears fall down his cheek despite trying to stop himself from crying, Wes turned to him again, voice small. “So this is us?” He didn’t even bother to wipe his cheeks. “This is... you’re breaking up with me?”
Was that what this was? Was this really a breakup? It was. Because what other option was there? What, was Wesley going to come with them? Roger couldn't let him come, he couldn't put him in danger like that. And he couldn't stay in Danvers and tear himself apart over Dante. And naturally he couldn't get Dante not to go. "Yeah." The word was a breath, an exhale that happened to have a sound. Roger was almost shocked he had managed to say it. But there it was, said. It was out there. There was no taking it back.
It was as if Wesley’s insides faded and died the moment Roger uttered the word. His whole body visibly slumped as soon as he received his answer. Staring at Roger it took a while for Wes to respond. There was a sort of hollow space where his mind used to be and a dim hum where the function of his thoughts had once stuttered across. “But... you’re coming back to me, right?” he managed to ask, his tight throat making it hard for him to speak. “Soon as it’s done...?”
As Wesley stared, Roger tried looking back, tried to keep himself from breaking down and sobbing. His hands were shaking so badly. He wasn't sure how to respond to Wesley's question. If he could, he would come back. He wanted to come back. He didn't want to leave. But what if he didn't ever come back? What if something happened, and he couldn't come back? How could he let Wesley sit around and wait for him, thinking that maybe he would come back to him? He didn't want that. He didn't want Wes to have to wait for him. That was the point of breaking up. Sitting on the couch beside Wes, Roger shook his head. "Honey... I..." No. He needed to say no. He had to say no. "I love you," he whispered shakily, taking Wesley's hand in his. "I wish I could spend forever with you."
The moment Roger put his hand in his Wesley gripped it hard. “Don’t leave me.” It was the most pathetic sentence that Wes had possibly ever thought he’d say but he was saying it right now with a desperate tone to his voice. His gaze was set on the man next to him. Roger couldn’t leave him now, not after everything else. Wes would wait, he wouldn’t care, but more conveniently Roger wouldn’t go in the first place. “Please don’t leave me. I’ll do anything... you’re everything, just don’t go, please... I know I’m not perfect. I know that. And I know I flirt, and that I don’t deserve you but please – I can’t lose you again. Not again... I can’t lose these hands and this heart, and those eyes... your smile, I can’t...”
"Stop, Wesley, please..." His voice was just as desperate, just as soft and teary as the other man's. He had to wrench his hand away, rise to his feet just to get away from the closeness, away from those words. He knew he could get lost forever in those words, fall into those arms and stay there and never leave. But he couldn't. There was Dante, there would always be Dante, and as much as he hated it, Dante would always come first. "It's not about you, it's not because you flirt it's not you, it's me, it's always been me... I have to go. I can't stay here, I can't..." He practically ran across the living room, grabbing his coat from the back of the closet door. "I'm gonna go. I have to go."
“Roger, no...” Wes got to his feet but he couldn’t move. He just watched Roger speed to the door, grabbing his coat. It was like watching a bad movie but actually happening in his life. “Please... I can’t... just wait?” Forcing his legs to try and move him across the floor to catch him, Wes stumbling across the corner of the sofa. “Don’t leave like this...”
"How am I supposed to leave?" he asked, voice cracking slightly as he turned to look at Wesley. "I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do, I don't know..." He wanted Wesley close, and he didn't try to leave just yet. "I have to pick between you two, and how am I supposed to do that? Dante is part of me, I need him, and you... I want you. I've never wanted anyone like I want you... but what should I do?" He felt so small, and helpless, and cowardly and useless. His blue eyes welled up, bottom lip quivering. "Tell me what to do, Wes..."
Wes didn’t know what to tell him to do. Looking into his eyes he tried to implore him to stay, hypnotise him so he was under his control and so that they could just... sort this out. Roger could stay, Dante could stop being a dick, and Wesley could be happy making his boyfriend happy... but that wasn’t possible. He should have known this was going to fuck up somewhere, he just thought he’d have been the one to do it. He didn’t know what to say, what to tell him – so he just closed the distance and kissed him hard, pouring everything he had into it. If Roger was going to leave him, he wasn’t going to end it any other way.
It was impossible not to melt under those lips, not to whimper and start crying even more, to wrap his arms around the healer and hold him close. How could he leave this? How could he think for one moment that he could walk away from this man? "I love you," he whispered against Wesley's lips, his fingers gripping into the healer's shirt. "I love you, I love you.... I love you...."
“Shut up,” he whispered, kissing him again with more passion and ferocity than before. His arms wrapped around him, holding him tightly with as much force as possible. Stroking along every inch of Roger that he could reach in that moment, Wesley found his tears mingling with Roger’s as they kissed. “I love you,” he found himself saying, despite telling Roger to stop before. In between words, Wesley continued kissing. “I love you so much...”
This was so unfair. It seemed that no matter what happened, no matter what he did, how well he behaved, followed the rules, Roger could never live his own life. There would always be Dante, in charge, ruining things and yet making them better. Dante made him feel safe, but he also stole everything Roger cared about. He destroyed things. "Stop," Roger murmured, though he held Wesley tightly, not ever wanting to release him. He wanted Wesley to stop kissing him, stop wanting him. He wanted Wesley to stop loving him, though he knew that Wes would never stop that. That was what hurt most of all.
“Never.” Roger could tell him to stop all he wanted to but Wesley was stubborn as a mule. He loved Roger, end of story. The whole school pretty much knew how dear Roger was to him, how strong his feelings ran for the blonde. Wes would do anything for him, anything he asked – including if it meant letting him go. But he wasn’t going to think about that just yet. Breaking from him in a final kiss in order to breathe, Wes rested his head against Roger’s chest before he rose his gaze to look at him.
It was hard looking at Wesley now, knowing that this was goodbye. It was harder still to try and keep himself there, to keep Ipsy from stepping in and taking the burden of the heartache. The last thing he wanted was Wesley having to say goodbye to someone else. "I think... if I don't leave now, I'm never going to be able to," he whispered, resting his forehead on the healer's. Fingers tracing up and down the other man's spine, Roger sniffled, shaking his head slightly. "Why do you have to be so wonderful?" he asked Wesley seriously, as though he could get a real answer.
Holding back the scream Wesley wanted to yell to the world, he merely nestled beneath Roger’s chin, listening to his heartbeat. He didn’t want him to go. There was a cord attached around their middles and Wes didn’t want to cut it. Gripping onto Roger’s arms it was clear what Wesley’s thoughts were about that. ‘Don’t go’ did not need to be said. It was all over his body language. With a sigh, Wes buried himself even more. “You made me this way...” he whispered back. “I was nothing til you...”
Losing Wesley would be like cutting off a limb. He had been such a huge part of Roger's life from the first moment they had met, and that hadn't changed. How would he live every day with that hole in his heart? "You weren't nothing, honey. You were always this amazing. From the moment I met you, you were funny, and charming, and you didn't let anything stand in your way. God, you have no idea how loved you make me feel." He kissed the healer's forehead, letting his lips rest on the skin a moment. "I just hope that I made you feel half as loved."
The moment Roger spoke those words Wesley had to catch himself before he bawled, visibly gulping as he clung to Roger’s shirt. An emotional meltdown would not make this any easier but at the same time he wasn’t sure what else to do. Squeezing Roger’s arms, Wes rocked slightly with the effort it was taking him not to break down. “Every day. Every single day. You’re the love of my life. I’ll never... forget or give up on you ever.”
In that moment, the decision was made. Maybe it was stupid, irrational, senseless, but Roger made it just the same. Leaning away from Wes, he took the man's face in his hands, turning his head to make him look up. "If I can come back, I will. I promise." He didn't know what was going to happen, what it was exactly that Dante did. All he knew was that it was dangerous, and it could kill him, or make them have to disappear forever. But if he could come back here, if things went smoothly, he would.
That was all Wesley needed. Throwing his arms around him and his caution to the wind, Wes planted his lips firmly on Roger’s mouth, putting almost all his weight against him. It was almost carnal but mostly driven by an immeasurable need and passion that he felt for him. Demanding the kiss be deepened Wes allowed himself to cop a feel of Roger’s ‘vital’ assets before he pulled away with an attempt at a smile. “Had to..”
Catching the healer in a surprised but grateful embrace, Roger smiled into the kiss, holding him tightly. It was a stupid promise to make, and he knew it. But he knew that he would never find someone like Wesley ever again, never find someone who would understand, someone who would be as patient, who would try as hard as Wesley had.
"I shouldn't stay the night," Roger said softly, his hands snaking down Wesley's body, gently touching his waist. "But I want to."
The way that Roger touched his hands down his waist always made Wesley tingle but it was delivered in a much more intense way than he was used to. Perhaps it was the heightened emotions or the neediness of the situation, Wesley didn't want to analyse it. He was lost in the moment, which was the most important part. "I want you to say too..." he whispered, inclining to his touch. "One more night...."
With a soft moan, Roger gripped tighter on Wesley's body. "I have to leave tomorrow," he murmured, lowering his lips to brush over Wesley's, their breath mingling. "Dante and I... dunno where we're going. I'm supposed to pack and then..." But this body was so close, and so warm, familiar and beautiful. His fingers curled slowly, bunching the fabric of Wesley's tee shirt, exposing his smooth skin.
Everything Roger did was enough to make Wesley shiver all over. Kissing his lips inbetween his words Wes didn’t stop caressing his hands over where he could reach, feeling Roger’s hands so close to his skin. When he spoke it was a murmur, soft and low. “We can pack when it matters... right now I need you...” A soft kiss was placed against Roger’s neck as he slid his hands beneath Roger’s shirt and up his spine. It didn’t matter that Roger was leaving, right now he needed to express how much he loved him. It was the moment that mattered, their final ones together. Keeping that in mind Wesley continued to kiss him as he lead him to the bedroom, wanting to commit everything that followed to memory.