Monday August 25, 2008
Who: Alex and Finn What: Therapy session numero uno Where: Alex's office When: Mid Morning Rating: PG-13
Finn was gonna give this a try. Work real hard at it for himself, for Rorie. He wanted to be able to be with his little brother and not be scared of what he might do because it just felt. . . Right. Which made it bad because he was his brother. Brother's didn't do that, he knew better, but it didn't matter. It did, but it didn't. More shit to sort out with this new guy. He was just hoping he wasn't like Lloyd and would just stare at him thinking how stupid Finn was. Going to the guy's office door he knocked and waited to be invited in.
Alex had gotten the files from Lloyd though he had refrained from asking him anything at all. He didn't want to go into this with any opinion in his mind other than his own. And so he had simply read up on what had happened as well as about the man's background before he'd been scheduled to come in that day. It was almost exactly 10 when he heard the knock on the door and he looked up, calling out loud enough for him to hear. "Come in." Alex rose to his feet and walked around his desk so that he could greet him. It was only polite.
Stepping in, Finn was on his best behavior. . . Sort of. He kept his skimming to himself and empathic abilities to a minimum. "Hi, Alex Cross, right?" He asked coming in and pulled a hand from his pocket, holding it out for him to shake. "Finn O'Bannon, nice to meet you," he said with a nod. "So. . . Uh. . . Yeah." For such a social butterfly of a person, he was out of his element. He wasn't using his powers so he had no idea about this guy. He'd isolated himself for five years and now he was thrust back into a small circle of people. What the hell was he supposed to do?
"You can call me Alex." He reached a hand out to take his own and gave it a firm shake before letting it go. Alex was the very vision of professionalism. His suit was neatly pressed, his tie perfectly tied, and his hair neat, nails short and clean. The only thing that looked a little off was the bit of stubble along his jaw line, but there was nothing to really be done about that. It grew back minutes after shaving, practically. "You can have a seat if you'd like. I have.. the chairs here or..." He gestured toward it. "There's the sofa there if you'd prefer. I don't think anyone's yet to sit on it." He chuckled lightly.
"Okay, Alex," Finn nodded giving a firm shake as well. He already liked this guy. There was no sense of judging or boredom, more relaxed than anything. Finn himself wore his usual clothes, a pair of stone washed jeans, sneakers, and a long sleeved shirt with a hood. His dirty blond hair was in it's usual mess that couldn't really do anything other than just sit there. "Thanks," he said looking at the chairs before taking the sofa, situating himself so he rested in the corner facing the rest of the room with a leg tucked under his other. Finn's position was relaxed as he folded his hands in his lap twiddling his thumbs.
Since Finn had decided to sit on the sofa, Alex took a seat in the chair that was positioned nearby it, the one you were supposed to sit in while you were psychoanalyzing your patient. He did a lot of things by the book, honestly, but that was because it worked. Why fix things that weren't broken? "So..." Alex cleared his throat. "This is always the most awkward part of it, isn't it? Coming to a room with a complete and total stranger in it, expected to spill your deepest darkest secrets. Quite daunting." He smiled a little. "So let's start with something else first. Ask me anything you'd like to know about me, and I will answer you honestly." He paused for just a moment before he added, "If you'd like, that is."
"Yeah," Finn chuckled slightly, nodding as he shifted in his seat the recline a bit, relaxing more when the silence was broken. He really did seem like a nice guy and the fact that he was opening up a bit as well instead of sitting behind his desk and going 'hmmm well this' and 'hmmm well that' was a plus. "Okay," he said nodding. "How about your favorite beer?" He asked with a smirk of sorts. "You can tell a lot about a man by his drink," Finn chuckled.
"Hmmm..." Alex wore a serious expression in response to that question. "That's a tough one." And he folded his hands to poise against his pursed lips as he gave it some thought. "I'm honestly not much of a beer drinker, though I can appreciate the fullness of a Guinness every now and again." His hands dropped to his lap as he added, "Typically I drink whiskey when I drink. Or, once in a while, I may indulge in a scotch."
Alex just got a new best friend. With a serious look on his face Finn sighed. "You just made me fall in love with you. Marry me. Marry me now," he said seriously for a moment before grinning. "Man, I don't know what it is, but everyone time I end up getting a good vibe from someone, they're a whiskey drinker. Then you have the added bonus of the Guinness. It's awesome and I love you for that, but a platonic love, cause that'd be weird and awkward and add to more therapy sessions," he chuckled.
A brow quirked slightly at the seriousness of the statement, but Alex waited for it. He was sure there was something to come after. And he couldn't help but to be slightly relieved when it finally did. He laughed a bit and nodded his head. "You're right. It probably would." Another laugh parted his lips. "To be fair, however, I went to boarding school in Scotland, University in Edinburgh." He smirked ever so slightly as he added, "I doubt I'd have the same tastes were I actually brought up in Cape Cod where I was born." His brow quirked slightly. "I'd be a Grey Goose drinker, just like my mother."
"Ah, that explains it," Finn nodded knowingly. "I'm Irish and spent a lot of time in Ireland during the summer with family and developed tastes early on. I was 15 and my first drink was Jameson's Irish whiskey with a Guinness chaser. I was passed out after I finished the bottle of beer," he laughed. "My brother didn't fair much better, but he got two shots and the beer down before he ended up in a booth snoozing away," he grinned. "Eh," he made a face at the Grey Goose. "Not much for the Goose myself. Usually if there's not whiskey or beer I go for vodka or a nice red wine."
The story about his first taste of alcohol and how he and his brother both faired had Alex laughing a bit. "That certainly sounds like an experience." He smiled as he regaled his own tale. "My first was a few shots of Johnnie Walker. One of the older boys had managed to sneak it into the boarding school. I couldn't have been any more than thirteen at the time. I thought I was a real bad ass when I downed three shots straight." He smiled fondly as he added, "And then I stood up. Landed flat on my face." He shook his head. "I didn't try that again for a while." He didn't mention the fact that Grey Goose was Vodka, and instead just assumed that he meant another brand. As for wine, "I don't mind a nice full-bodied glass of Merlot every now and again."
"Don't get me started on wine," Finn laughed. "My mom. . . Well the lady that calls herself my mom is full blooded Italian so we would spend half our summer in Ireland with the man that called himself my dad since he was Irish and then the other half in Italy, Tuscany, and our grandfather there would take me and my brother Rorie out to the vineyards and we'd taste the wines right after they were made and compare then to a century old one. I think some of the best times were with my brother in Italy and Ireland," he chuckled smiling at the happy memories versus the ugly, recent ones.
And there he had it, the in. And neither himself nor Finn had really noticed it until it was out there. A simple conversation about something that was easy to discuss with a stranger would turn into one a bit more intimate. And it would be quite seamless, just as it should be. "It sounds like you and your brother were very close growing up." Alex smiled a little as he added, "You're lucky." He chuckled a bit. "I always wanted siblings. But my mother only had me and... my father was never in the picture." His voice softened as he admitted, "I don't even know who he is."
"Yeah," he nodded. "Me and Rorie are only two years apart, so we've always been close. I mean we're best friends practically, well we were for a long time. I was his only friend and I didn't really have a close friend. Just people I hung out with and sometimes I made Rorie tag along so he wasn't by himself," he said making it sound like he was a good guy, taking his friendless little brother along. "We were always getting into trouble when we were little. Playing games and watching cartoons, even when we got older, Rorie still watched them. He's kind of a nerd like that. Has action figures in their cases still, some we played with that are still intact are up on a shelf in his old room in Jersey," he chuckled. Finn nodded, understand Alex's predicament.
"I know how you feel, both me and Rorie were adopted. Same parents, but I don't really remember them. Rorie was just a baby and I was maybe two. I just remember my mom has blond hair and my dad dark. . . Our adopted mom told us that our real mom gave us up because she couldn't take care of us, acted like she knew her. Told us she was too busy dating and trying to find a husband to be a mom. . . I knew she was lying. Even before I was a telepath I knew she was. She wasn't much better though, always working and kind of leaving me and Rorie on our own so I took care of him. Our adopted dad was the same way. Both of them worked a lot. I mean I appreciated it and stuff, but. . . They were never there. Not that it matters now. They think I'm dead and they disowned Rorie," he snorted, tugging at a silver chain on his neck. His St. Patrick's coin hidden under his shirt.
"So I take it they never really felt like family?" The more that Finn spoke, the clearer things started to become. But it was too soon to jump to a conclusion, or even to suggest what the cause was. Today was about exploration. Getting to the bottom of things and actually making progress would take time. "Your brother was basically it," he nodded, that part not being a question at all. "You said you didn't have many close friends, but did you have any serious girlfriends growing up?" And then he paused before he added, "Or boyfriends, either one." He didn't read as being gay but there was always the possibility.
"No," Finn shook his head. "It was just Rorie. We got each other without trying and that was it. Well there was our Grandpa and Grandmum in Ireland and our Nonna and Nonno in Italy, but we only saw them a few times a year. They felt more like family than our parents did," he shrugged. "No, not really. I mean I was worried that they'd find out about mine and Rorie's gifts then freak out or try to turn us in or something," he said shaking his head. "Same for the girlfriends," he chuckled. "Boyfriends is Rorie's thing, it's why our parent's disowned him. Because he was gay and they're fucking staunch Catholics," he grumbled. "Though they'd probably shit a brick if they found out what I was doing with one of my friend's here at school," he snickered. "I like the ladies, but when it's been as long for me, to not have one, anything starts to look good," he said figuring the guy got the hint.
Alex listened to him intently, and he nodded a time or two. "I can definitely relate to that. The people I went to boarding school with felt more like family than my actually family did for the most part." He smiled a bit sadly. "But we were never close. You can just imagine, a single woman in an upper crust Cape Cod family having a child." He scoffed a bit. "Talk about a scandal." He shook his head as he added, "And then I grew up to be gay. And not only that, but to have this recessive trait that's been dormant in our family for centuries." That was the icing on the proverbial cake, really. "It's hard, feeling alone. It can... cloud things, make you look for... a supplement to what you're missing in places that perhaps you wouldn't normally look." Such as his brother or his friend here at the school.
"Oh dear!" Finn said faking a hoity toity accent, fanning himself. "How scandalous!" He chuckled. "Yeah," he nodded. "I had to leave for a while, five years actually. I got into some trouble. Was in the wrong place at the wrong time and saw a mob hit, so I ran and. . . Kind of left Rorie on his own," he said softly, still feeling guilty and horrible about it. "I blame myself really," he snorted. "I just. . . I controlled him too much, did too much for him so. . . So it could only be me he needed," he sighed. "He's half helpless, it's a wonder he's still alive after I left. From what he told me, he basically shut down and his powers went berserk, hence why he's hear. Then he found Garret and Garret found me, so that's why I'm here," he grumbled. "I missed him though. I spent most my nights wishing I had come back for him. Taken him with me and we would have been alright. . ."
Again, Alex was more interested in listening to what the other man had to say, which was a lot, instead of putting in his own two cents worth. The more that Finn spoke, the more he could pinpoint how this had all began, or why rather, and what could be done about it. "Hmm." He considered that last part for a moment. "I know you said he had problems while you were gone but... He looked out for himself. He found this place and he was proactive in his own care. So I would say he's probably alright now, wouldn't you?" Alex gave him a soft smile as he added, "It sounds like, maybe in spite of yourself, you taught him well."
"I mean it's not like he's. . . Special. . . Kind of. . ." he said frowning. "He has his moments where you think he is because he just gives you this blank look and it's like no one's home or he doesn't get it and you have to show him exactly what to do," he said. Oh there he went again, twisting it just a bit here and there. "I mean, it's not like it's something serious like Autism or Downs Syndrome. . . He's. . . Just kind of slow a bit," Finn said biting his lip a bit, talking with his hands. His tell of fibbing, though he doubted that was in his file. "He's like one of those really super smart people with books and school, but everything else is kind of out the window." It was an odd explanation and changed a bit every time he said it, but it convinced everyone else he told who ended up leaving Rorie alone, with Finn. "Yeah, he's done good. He's taking care of himself, though he was living with Garret for a while. Here it's kind of easier too because you don't have to really worry about getting kicked out or food or any of that stuff. The stuff he kind of has trouble with."
Alex didn't know Rorie, but he knew Garret. And he didn't see Garret associating himself with someone like the person that Finn described. But at the same time, he didn't really feel as though Finn was lying. It felt to him more like he was lying to himself, trying to convince himself that that was the case so that it made him feel better about the things that he had done, so that he felt more justified or even needed. "That's true. But he managed to get himself here. And that's something, isn't it? Not to mention finding the right person to track you down." He gave him that as well. "He's obviously grown quite a bit. And he obviously cares a great deal about you." That would perhaps help lighten the blow of pointing out that his brother wasn't as helpless as he perhaps wanted to believe him to be.
"Yeah," Finn nodded. "I guess he did, didn't he," he said nodding. "He is a big boy and I guess he doesn't need me hovering over him constantly," he chuckled. "It's just this past weeks, been kind of hell for us. I mean with our adopted parents throwing him out, my getting jumped and nearly killed, then the inspection. . . I just kind of went back into mother hen mod," he chuckled. "Kind of hard to keep my distance and let him be. I mean, I was the one in the infirmary and I was still trying to take care of him because he wasn't taking care of himself."
Alex nodded his head. "That can be a difficult mentality to let go of, certainly. And not one that you can expect to have happen over night." He smiled softly as he added, "But you're here, aren't you? And of your own accord. You could have very easily stayed with Lloyd, continued to not really get the help you needed, and just... stayed on your current path. But you made the decision not to do that, and for that, you should be proud of yourself, honestly." He leaned somewhat forward as he added, "And I'm sure Rorie would be proud of you too, if he knew." Which he might know, but Alex wouldn't assume.
"Yeah, if he knew," Finn snorted. "Right now I'm lucky I can spend five minutes alone with him," he said going quiet. "Garret. . . Garret keeps me in line. Even though I kind of hated him before for being with my brother, after this past week. . . I kind of appreciate him," he chuckled. "I've done some bad things Doc," he said looking down shaking his head. "Probably better to get them out of the way too, so you know what kind of pile of shit you're working with," he smirked. Not because he thought it was funny, but just because of the irony. "I lie, a lot. It's part of my job, or was. I was a writer, well still am, but I don't get published. Sometimes. . . I lie so much I believe it myself and it's suddenly true, but. . . No matter what, I do love my brother. I want what's best for him and. . . Maybe staying away from me for the most part is a good thing," he sighed, though he hadn't actually come out and said what he had done. Maybe later. Finn knew when to talk and when not to. Right now it was basically spilling his guts to catch the doc up, then it would be more focusing and figuring out why he was so fucked up.
Alex didn't interrupt. He let Finn get out all he wanted to say about himself right now without saying a word. But once he was sure that he had finished, at least for now, he leaned forward a bit, focusing his gaze on Finn intently as he spoke. "The fact that you can recognize those things about yourself, that you can see your faults and you are making steps to improve them means that you are not a pile of shit, Finn." He let that sink in for a moment before he added, "We are all, in spite of our gifts, essentially human, therefore we are all flawed. We all make mistakes. It's how we.. handle those mistakes, how we move forward, that makes or breaks us." He gave him a reassuring smile. "Just between the two of us, I don't think you're broken yet."
Finn was quiet for a moment, a look on his face familiar to Rorie's when they were both holding back or thinking. Chewing on his lip, he thought it over and wondered if he really was broken, if back before the whole mob hit started, after he came to the school. . . If he was just being held together by little kids glue. "Maybe. Maybe not," he snorted, a sad smile on his face as his eyes stung a bit. He didn't want to admit it, didn't want anyone to know, but. . . He was there to get help. "Depends on what you call broken," he chuckled humorlessly. Swallowing he looked up at Alex for a moment before looking away again. "A few weeks ago, maybe a month. . . I hurt him," he said softly. "Like I. . . I really hurt him. I just lost my temper and. . . He looked at me terrified," he said jumping around a bit. "He was shaking and crying and he begged me to stop when I didn't. . ."
Alex knew that look. It wasn't exclusive to Finn or his brother. He could almost see the thought process going on behind those eyes. He was ready for it. He knew something big was coming. And he was right. Alex hadn't spent all those years working in an asylum to not be good at his job and to be not be skilled enough to handle things that others may flinch at or back away from. "How does that make you feel?" He kept his voice soft as he asked the question, quietly leading into deeper discussion.
"At the time. . . It didn't bother me, I did what I had to get him to understand. . . It was after I got jumped the first time and I was worked over in a bar piss room. I got a good beating and he. . . He just didn't get that it was dangerous to go back to Boston and. . . I just. . . Yeah," he sighed shaking his head. "That's not even the worst," he snorted. The next day. . . I actually touched him. I forced myself on him before he left to go back with Garret," he said softly just staring at a spot on the wall, replaying it all in his head.
Alex again listened intently, nodding his head as Finn spoke about the incident at the bar and what reasons he had to justify what he had done. And then there was the rest of it. Alex was quiet for a moment, a few questions coming to mind and he had to decide on one for now. "At the time when you did that, what thoughts were going through your head? Were you... angry, worried, upset? What truly motivated your actions?"
"I was upset because he wasn't listening. He was gonna go back to the city and it didn't even matter that there were people after us. He was gonna go back because that's where Garret was," he said sighing a bit. "When he did go to leave, when Garret was coming to pick him up. . . I felt jealous and I wanted him for myself. I thought. . . That maybe if I did that, that Garret wouldn't want him anymore."
Alex nodded to his words, poising himself quietly for a moment before he posed another question, or an observation, rather. "So you were afraid of losing him? Of losing the only real family that you have? And you wanted to.... try to stop that from happening, regardless of anything else?" He paused for a moment before asking, "Does that sound like an accurate assessment?"
"Yeah. . . It does actually," Finn snorted softly. "Of course can you apply that to me going to Boston, hunting him down, and nearly raping him?" He asked looking at Alex dead on. He hadn't really meant for it to come out so. . . Blunt and right there, but it had and there was no going around it.
"In a way... yes." Alex replied honestly, though he knew that would take further explanation for it to really make sense. "He left. You were probably angry, but that was most likely masking hurt. After all, he went to all the effort to find you after you left and then he chose Garret over you. I would imagine you felt... abandoned, and you were probably questioning why he bothered if that was what he was going to do." This was all based on intuition with a bit of emotional logic rolled in along with it. "When we're angry, we lash out. And it was easier to focus on that than it was to face the actuality of being hurt so..." Alex locked his gaze with Finn's own. "You wanted to make him feel like you felt." He paused for a moment and then he asked, "Am I close?"
"Yeah," he said softly. "I mean. . . I. . . I don't think either of us really know how to deal with things. . . He practically gave up when our parents left him. He ate himself silly, got sick, got drunk, then. . . Just laid in bed refusing to try anymore," Finn sighed. "He gives up, I get mad. We're both sick in the head," he chuckled. "I made him that way though. It's my fault. I make him question everything, like if someone misses something with him. Is it because they don't wanna be around him anymore or because they actually can't be there right then? It fucks with him and Garret, I know it does and. . . I hate to see him hurt so much when I know it's my fault and sometimes I can't help but think that maybe if I'm dead he'd be better off or if he'd be like that same lost little kid again. Like when I came back finally. All he did was want his big brother back," he said refusing to cry when usually it was Rorie who was reserved and not Finn. Finn was the one that let everything fly to the wind, but not now.
"Because you're terrified that there's going to come a time when he won't need you anymore. And you think that if that happens, then he's going to leave just as your biological mother left. That sort of fear is perfectly natural, but what we do with it is what really counts." Alex could honestly relate. He didn't know his father. His mother had pretty much abandoned him the moment that he was born in favor of her reputation. And now, because of who he was, because of his orientation, his family wanted nothing to do with him unless it benefited them. "Do you trust your brother?"
"Yeah, I trust him," Finn nodded instantly, then went quiet for a moment. Did he really trust Rorie? Completely? "No. . . No I don't. I trust him with my life, but. . . I don't trust him to always be there. He's gonna leave, at some point and I don't want him to. Whether it be to run off and marry Garret or because he gets his powers under control and can leave here. . . He's gonna leave and I can't stop him," he said looking down at his hands, picking at a hangnail.
"Hmm." That was exactly the answer that Alex had expected, from the adamant way in which he believed it to the admission, perhaps to even himself, that he didn't exactly trust him. "You're right. He will probably leave here one day, when he's ready, when he has his powers under control and doesn't need to be here anymore. That's the point of a place like this. But... When he goes, do you honestly think that he would cut you out completely? Especially after having gone to all the trouble to bring you here, do you think he'd not make a place for you in his life?"
"No, but it'll never be like it was before. Just me and him. . ." Finn said. "It never will be like that again though, will it?" He asked snorting. "I'm kidding myself in thinking that there's an actual fucking chance. . . I am fucking crazy. I should be fuckin' committed, not let loose around here." It was bitter to admit but then again it might need to be.
"If you had that, just you and him, what would you do then?" Alex wasn't going to comment on whether or not he should be committed. It was really too soon to say whether or not that would help anything, though in his experience, it rarely ever did. What would help, however, was making Finn realize that it wasn't really romantic love that he wanted with his brother, that it wasn't really that sort of attachment that he felt. Of course that could take some time.
"Just do what we always did. Hang out, watch tv, be together. We'd do all sorts of stuff together on his days off. There were trips to New York, to parks where we'd just goof around. It was just us. . . I miss it being just us. Before we didn't have anyone else and I liked it like that. To have just the two of us rely on each other so much. To be everything that Rorie needed and wanted. . . That's what I would do."
"And you think that having that forever and ever would be enough for you? That you would never... want anyone else? That you wouldn't... miss the touch of a woman or... maybe just the companionship?" He was curious about the type of relationships he had had in the past when it had been just the two of them.
"I thought it was," Finn said softly. "I mean I was happiest when I was with him. Sure I slept around with the girls, but that was it. I never had a girlfriend before. . . Well an actual relationship with a girl. I fucked 'em then left 'em pretty much. I've never had a good relationship with women besides my adopted mom and that was mostly just so I didn't rock the boat."
Alex nodded his head, falling silent for a moment, hands steepled in thought. "I have... an assignment for you." Therapy was a lot like class sometimes what with the tasks you were sometimes given, but they were always for a greater good. "I want you to think about your brother between now and our next session. I want you to think specifically about your feelings for him, and when next we meet, we'll discuss that. Sound good?"
"Kay," Finn nodded, feeling a bit mushy. His whole head was kind of swimming, but he figured he'd just go lay down for a bit. He didn't have to be in class for a while and Rorie would be there. No need to get him all upset and worried over him right then. "Sounds good doc," he said. "When do you wanna meet again?"
Therapy could be exhausting. That was why Alex didn't do much right now. They just talked a bit. He established contact, a bit of a trust, and they could go from there. Later. "I'll leave that up to you. My schedule is fairly open so... How about we plan for next Monday, and if you need to see me again before then, you can let me know."
"Alright, that sounds good to me. Another little structured thing to keep me sane. . . Ish," he said as he stood up. "I have your number and email if I need to get a hold of you," Finn said. He went to move to the door but paused. Turning back he looked at Alex, "Thanks, for doing this. It means a lot to me."
"Structure is key to a long, happy life." Alex remarked, a small grin forming upon his lips. "Please do." He added, hoping he would take advantage of that if he needed to. The thanks was unneeded but appreciated all the same. "It's my job, remember?" He laughed softly and then nodded his head. "I'm glad to do it. Have a good day, Finn."
"You too Doc," Finn said. "I'll see you around then." With that he turned and walked out ther door intent on a nap or something to settle his head. He was an empath and telepath, all this sorting of emotions and shit just made it even harder, but he was grateful that it was only an hour and the doc was gonna give him time to get himself together again before seeing him next week. Well, better late than never.