Tuesday 9/25/07
Who: Sydni and Miklos What: The past student is now a teacher herself Where: Miklos' office When: after classes
Sydni had been happy to learn that her former professor was here at the school. It was good to have familiar faces at such a hard time. Her conversation with Mikhail had lifted her spirits considerably, and the next morning was one of the first mornings since the attack that she had woken up not feeling as if a great weight were upon her. Still, she had a lot to work through, and one conversation wasn't going to fix that.
Sure that Miklos had plenty of work himself, Sydni decided to wait until after classes were done to stop by his office. She hoped he was in. Part of her wanted to tell him what had happened, just blurt it out. The Mabon ceremony had been another settling moment, but still, she was without a guide or even companion in faith, and that was the hard thing about leaving the Church and becoming a solitary. She was used to community. She really needed a coven, but she wasn't certain she wanted to find a coven within the school. She was older than a lot of the people here, aside from staff, and she would feel out of place as a student. It wasn't that she couldn't learn from someone younger than she, it was more like she would stand out, and that was one thing she did not want.
In any case, she made it to Miklos's office and knocked. She hoped that she wasn't interrupting.
---
Giving this teaching profession another try had mostly been Aimee's doing. But so far it was settling in nicely. While he was a bit disappointed that there was no opportunity for him to discuss philosophy, easily his best subject, in the classroom there was always hope. At least it seemed more like that since Aimee had come back. Still, he had been caught up forming lesson plans and had not finished unpacking completely. Reaching into the box, he pulled a few more books out and placed them onto the shelves. Books should never be allowed to just sit in boxes, they should be out for access. He never knew when one of them would prove to be useful.
The knock had come as a bit of a surprise. He knew that most of his students were terribly fond of the devil box and he did not seem to recall any saying that they would make use of office hours. He really did wonder about that box, there was so much potential for darkness within it. By removing the face of who you were contacting it felt like an effect dehumanization. There was no visible trace outside of regulated computer text and graphics. This was no time to contemplate the meaning of technology and its impact on the human condition, he had a guest. Aimee would not have knocked.
Books still in hand, he walked over and opened the door and smiled. "This is a pleasant surprise." he commented warmly and moved aside. "Please, come in Sydni."
---
Sydni smiled softly at the warm greeting, but anyone who knew her well would feel that something was off. Her smile had been one of those genuine smiles that caused her eyes to sparkle, but her eyes no longer seemed to light up with a smile. Entering, she noticed the half-unpacked boxes and offered, "Would you like some help?" Helping others was a great distraction from her concerns. Besides, Miklos's books were like holding the original Declaration of Indepence - true pieces of history.
While the brunette could certainly agree that there were evils of technology, for someone as shy as she, the anonymity could be a blessing. It was easier to communicate with colleagues using the computer because her mind didn't blank out as soon as they said hello. Plus, she could take the time to word what she wanted to say exactly how she wanted to say it. Usually, what her mind was thinking somehow got muddled by the time it got to her mouth and she could never quite say exactly what she meant, especially when it came to very emotional topics.
---
Shutting the door after her, he looked at her with some concern. True Sydni was not the most outspoken of people but he had always found that she held a certain sort of verbosity in his presence. He had not seen her in quite some time and he found it troubling that something could be effecting her so deeply. "Help is always appreciated, especially since I've no worries of you attempting to do something unseemly with my collection." he replied affectionately before putting the books in hand on the shelf.
"It has certainly been some time since I last saw you. Making the leap from student to teacher is quite a big one. I have to say I admire you attempting it so young." He did not want to ask her outright what was troubling her. Perhaps he could draw it out of her gently, with as little pain as possible. There was also the fact that she might not wish to make him privy to whatever could be concerning her mind currently. He had been her teacher, not her confidant after all.
---
The brunette noticed the concerned look and quickly turned her attention the open box; she didn't like to be noticed for anything, let alone something as complicated as what she was feeling. "Do you have a particular organization for them?" Upon the answer, she nodded and began to set the books on the shelves. She handled them gently, almost as if they snowflakes and the heat from her hands might melt them. "They're treasures," she murmured to his comment. They were. Some she thought were first printings. Many now only were copies upon copies. Suddenly, a thought struck her and she asked, "Do you have any Shakespeare?" True, the first printings were posthumous anyway, but still... incredible treasures.
"It has been. Was your trip successful?" She knew that he had gone off to examine some texts, or something like that. She couldn't remember exactly, but it must have pleased him to be back in his element. She was a bit surprised to see him back teaching. She knew it had been tiring to him. His words made her pause, and her expression grew a bit tight. "Well, I'm not teaching any supernatural courses. I've been a student of science my whole life, so it doesn't seem that young to me. But, yes... It's been a bit frightening," she admitted, glancing over at him. "I'm not the most outgoing person, and it's nervewracking standing in front of all those people."
Pausing again, she looked away and said softly, "Besides, I'm still a student where the supernatural is concerned. Where my control is concerned. That's why I'm here." She had started to worry the rings on her fingers, though the blessed one had been removed. Fiddling with the rings was a nervous habit, and a sure sign that something was troubling her deeply.
---
She did seem to be keeping silence at bay by any means necessary. There was something off but there was not much he could do but simply react to what she had presented him with. Motioning towards the box almost absentmindedly, he put the final book in his hands on the shelf. "They will be in order in the box, simply fill them in on the shelves and everything should be in its proper place." Shakespeare, he knew that he had a copy somewhere. Several copies in the case of some of the plays. "Nothing original, I was in Italy when he was writing. But some of the older editions in one of the boxes, I'll keep an eye out for them."
The surprise that she remembered why he had left shocked him for a moment, though he rationalized that it likely should not have. This young woman had always been an enthusiastic student when he worked with her. His impressions of the intellectual cesspool that had been Halcyon had not included her. "Yes, actually. I have a report in my files if you would like to read over it. The translation was fascinating really, a dialect of Hungarian that has not been used for centuries. Most people could not even write then." Hungary must be a frighteningly different place than the world of villages and death he had left.
A fond smile spread on his face as he returned to the box and gathered a few more books in hand. "The day you cease to be a student is the day you cease to exist. And still, you've become knowledgeable enough to pass on knowledgeable, which is not something everyone is capable of." The fact that most of her work would likely go to waste as students rarely wanted to learn was not for right now when she was looking for frightfully nervous. Raising an eyebrow when she mentioned concern, he set the books down and looked at her carefully. "Have you been having trouble with control?"
---
Nodding at his directions, she carefully stored the books in the proper order. At his explanation of where he was when he was writing, she smiled softly, and sighed. "...Italy... That must have been an amazing time period."
Of course she remembered. She made few connections with others, but those she did make were strong. She admired Miklos a great deal, and saw him a mentor. His intellectual personality impressed her a great deal and she was drawn to him because of it. He did things she only wished she could do. "I'd love to," she answered warmly. While her knowledge of languages was limited, it was something she would like to pursue in more depth at some time. Language fascinated her.
No, she had never considered that her teachings would go to waste. Her mind grasped it, but her soul simply couldn't. She would find that perhaps the most frustrating aspect of her new career once she got over her fears. His question had a profound impact on her. Her expression darkened, and she nodded, picking up another stack of books. "During the change," she explained softly. It seemed as though that would be the extent of the explanation as she began to put the books away again. Suddenly, though, she stopped, and placed both hands on the shelf as if to steady herself. "I killed people," was all she said. She couldn't explain further than that until she knew his reaction.
---
"It was." he said softly. It was a fond time in his mind, but also he had been an entirely different sort of person. Cili had been alive and that in itself was a strange world now. Had Cili not died, he was not sure that she would recognize her beloved Nicola any longer. But that was not a disastrous turn of events. His own life had proven to him that lives did change, revert, and then change again.
He made a mental note to transcribe his report into english for her. Having no idea what langauges she might read, it was by far the easiest to assume since it was her mother tongue. At the moment the report was in italiean. The idea of translating it again made no difference to him, it was a fascinating text describing an observed interaction between an angel and a demon in his homeland. There was no telling home much truth to the account there was, but the entirity of it fascinated him.
Watching her, he made note in her attempt to brace herself from confession. He should know more than anyone the weight that could prey upon the mind and heart with such a burden. Setting the books in his hands down, he motioned to a large armchair in front of his desk. "Sit down, Sydni." he said calmly, before going to the other side and sitting in his own chair. "Do you wish to tell me what happened?"
---
Sydni had been able to read a little French when last she studied with him. But only at a child's level. The text certainly would not be at a child's level. And the brunette would certainly find that fascinating. Even before coming to the school, she had believed in demons and angels. They were powerful beings in her beliefs as well.
His calm reaction was a blessing. When others became overcome by emotion, hers shut down so she could comfort them. She was honestly afraid that he would be repulsed by her or disappointed in her. If there was anything to make him feel that way, her confession should have been it. She had met with his disappointment before, but for this, it would be truly devastating. It was difficult enough to come to grips with it without having those she trusted turn away from her.
To his question, she shook her head as she took the offered seat. "I-I don't remember. I just... I just remember screaming... pain..." Closing her eyes, the memories were only more vivid, no matter how tightly she squeezed them. There was that doll. That blood-covered doll. "When I woke up there was a campsite... and blood... everywhere..." By that point, a few tears had squeezed out, but she didn't move to wipe them. Nor did her voice tremble or hitch. Surprisingly, she seemed to have incredible control over her emotions. That didn't make it a healthy control.
---
He waited for her to get through her story. Interrupting would not provide either of them with anything of use. Still, it was heartbreaking. His own trial with understanding his murder of people had taken him far longer than most vampires to deal with. In fact Cili often wondered if he had ever gotten over it, even in his more hedonist days. Opening a drawer, he pulled out a cloth handkerchief and handed it over to her. At the very least he could give her something for her tears since really, nothing would ever make what had happened wholly right and he knew that better than just about anyone.
The situation of a vampire and a werewolf may be different innately, he needed blood to survive and she did not, there were similarities that were there. The lack of control, especially in the younger years, was a struggle that both races fought with to hopefully eventually master. "Take a breath." he said calmly. He wished that he were in the habit of being able to access glasses of water to at least give her something to focus on for a split second that was not her own pain.
"Control is a hard thing to master. It might sound crass, but you are fortunate that this has only happened once. There are not the sort of wild places that there used to be and so it is much easier for incidents like that to happen than it was a hundred years ago." he said, before adding. "All you can do is attempt to keep it from happening again."
---
Sydni would likely never get over this. Even though she would live longer than a human, her life was shorter than a vampire's. She was fragile in some ways, even if she was strong in others, and this had truly shattered her world. Of all the horrible things she had imagined, this had not been on the list. She was a gentle soul at her core, and she cowered away from the horrible things she thought she had done.
It was true the wolf did not need blood to survive, but the feral nature of the wolf made it nearly impossible to resist hunting. She had a controlled personality, quite reserved, despite her passionate nature. But the wolf made her act on urges she normally could resist. She had thought she had reached a balance, even while shifted, but she had been terribly, horribly wrong. She appreciated the hanky, but she only dried the few tears before she began to worry it, twisting it up in her hands. She would have appreciated the glass of water, but the hanky was suitable for the moment.
"I know. That's why I'm here," the brunette answered. "And it doesn't sound crass. It's being honest." Meeting his eyes, she explained tentatively, "I... I have no one to forgive me, but me. I believe in Karma. I'm not afraid of the Karma. I just don't know if I can forgive myself..." That was part of her pain. It was easier to believe that someone could forgive you for your sins. It brought a certain peace.
---
"Karma is a funny thing really." he said with a sigh, watching her worry the handkerchief. Forgiveness itself was fickle as well. A man in his position knew all too well how no matter how much he wished to be forgiven that sort was just not capable in people like him. Despite what many of the 'new age' people in his situation seemed to think. But it was a fact that he had resigned himself to centuries ago. But that by no means stopped him from attempting to be as good of a person that a vampire was capable of.
Folding his hands on the desk, he watched her cautiously. "What your shifted form did was unthinkable to your normal, human form. There is a balance for that, Sydni. Your sin will revisit you as per the will of karma, but you will never be judged as someone who killed in cold blood." And that was his true belief. While he was not sure if he believed in karma he did believe in forgiveness and proper judgment from the divine. A just God, as he knew in his heart the Lord to be, knew that Sydni in her heart was not a cruel person who wished to steal the life of others.
---
Sydni was relieved to hear him say what he did about Karma. While she wasn't afraid of being punished per se, she was afraid that her punishment might not fit her crime - even if she had murdered, it had been beyond her control. Even if their beliefs were different, she considered him a wise man, and wise about the spiritual world in general. They might disagree on who was watching over the human race, but the brunette suspected that they felt similarly on many other things. And even if they didn't, she would consider what he said very carefully. He had lived through much more than she would ever, and that gave him wisdom and insight she could never attain.
"Thank you, Professor, for being so kind. I... I miss having other people of my faith to talk to about these things..." she admitted. While she was very devout in her faith, she knew that it was hard to find a genuine community of other Witches she could trust. Some were flakes, others were frauds, and still others were Black Witches or Warlocks. Being as she was not a very open person to begin with, it was hard for her to open up to any of the pagans she had met here.
Done with her confession, and ready to move on (or perhaps ignore) the issue for the moment, she asked, "Did you know Charlie is here? He's the head of security." She hoped the two continued their discussions. Charlie had needed them a great deal. And to be honest, she didn't think it would hurt Miklos to see the world through a younger vampire's eyes again. It was like with grandchildren and grandparents - it kept them from losing touch with the modern world.
---
"Kindness might have some to do with it, but only but I would like to think I'd be honest even if I perhaps was not being kind." he was lightly. While he knew full and well that she was simply trying to thank him, but still he felt the need to state that honesty was what she was getting from him. Kindness was needed in the world, but kindness could also impede the truth and this was not an occasion where that would have been advisable. Luckily the honesty needed for this situation was not outright cruel. Not that Miklos was terribly capable of cruelty to begin with, but it had been known to happen without his meaning to.
When she introduced a new subject, he understood her need to move along from the previous subject. While it seemed he had offered her some measure of relief, it was not a topic that many chose to dwell on in the company of others. "He had contacted me, yes. I'm rather impressed that he has continued beyond the realm of study as well." Charlie was a young vampire, so Miklos wondered if he truly had all of the needed control in order, but at the same time he was a young man driven by the need to protect. In bygone years he would have likely made a good knight. Head of security was a noble position as well though, especially in a place where the people needed protection from within as well as from the outside.
---
Smiling wryly, Sydni couldn't help but to reply, "Some would say that being honest is being kind." It was not her style to quote such cliches, but it seemed fitting. She knew what he meant, as well, and while she generally agreed that being honest was better, she might deliver a truth that hurt with a bit of cushion. That was her way.
The brunette smiled at his praise of her friend, but then her brow furrowed with concern. It was not her place to confide something so intimate, but she worried whether Davia and Charlie feeding off each other was a dangerous practice or not. Perhaps it was a normal situation in vampire culture. Honestly, she would have allowed Charlie to feed off of her if he had ever felt comfortable with it. Quickly clearing her concern with a shake of her head, she smiled softly, "I'm glad he's here."
Glancing over the books, she mused tentatively, "Would you mind continuing the studies we had begun? I only have 2 classes, and it might be good to do something enjoyable, as opposed to only work." Yes, the philosophy independent study had been her idea of leisure time.
---
Chuckling lightly, he cracked a small smile at her. "Yes, well, that all depends on what the honesty in the situation is." Lying was a sin, and while its intensity depended on the degree of the lie, Miklos still preferred not to do it. Many arguments over time had been started simply because he tried his best not to lie. Most people were more than happy to just ignore the truth. It had made him at the same time popular and unpopular in certain intellectual circles.
Feeding was always a tricky situation. Miklos had only ever traveled with a human exclusively once, back when Aimee was still human. He had always made it known to her that he would never feed off of her. That was until he felt the pressure to turn her. Still, he would not tell Charlie no if he found out about this practice. If who he was feeding off of was willing and he was careful, no harm was truly done. Though since there was access to blood outside of victims, he likely would be slightly disapproving. "It's good to see him moving forward."
He was mildly surprised when she asked to continue their studies together. While he should not have been, rationally, he wondered if she had time with her own classes. "I would very much enjoy that."