Simon Curtis (simon_curtis) wrote in tiberiusswann, @ 2010-03-29 23:18:00 |
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Entry tags: | simon |
Saturday April 25th 2008
Who: Simon Curtis
What: The End.
Where: Downtown Danvers, MA
When: 5:32pm
Rating: R
This was his last cigarette.
Simon had told himself too many times that he needed to quit. Cissy hated him smoking, it wasn't healthy for the baby. He knew he needed to stop. But the smoke was soothing, the burning in his lungs a comfort. It was the very last thing he had for himself, just for himself. He had given up his room on campus. He had given up loving Ophelia, even if it was unrequited. He had given up his blue hair, his independence, his freedom. He had given it up because Cissy was in his life for better or worse, and he'd decided to make it for better.
But it was for worse, wasn't it?
The nagging doubts had manifested a few days before the wedding, hadn't ceased since. Cissy was so happy so Simon ignored them most of the time. But today, when he was walking back from the market and smoking his very last cigarette and thinking to himself, the doubts were loud and clear. Despite this being the right thing to do, the honorable thing, it didn't feel right. It feels like an anchor tied around your neck. Sometimes the doubts were so disheartening Simon choked up, paused in whatever he was doing, had to close his eyes and breathe before he could go on with his day. The doubts were getting more and more vicious with each passing day, and unfortunately not one of them was wrong. While he refused to admit to himself that this was a mistake, it was. Each night he lay in bed with his new wife, Simon longed for red tresses and freckles, rolled over to face the wall because then he could imagine Vinnie lying across the room scribbling music for his band with his earbuds in. Cissy dropped him off every morning at the school and he closed his eyes at the gate and imagined it was the bus that had brought him here from Halcyon, a new start, back to the beginning when he'd still been totally in love with her.
Someone bumped Simon from behind, stirring him from his reverie. The doubts had made him pause on the sidewalk. Walking again, he took a long, lingering drag on his cigarette, soaking in the smoke before he flicked the filter to the concrete. That was the last one he'd ever have. Just another thing you've given up for her. He felt like the shell of a person. No one had asked him to give so much, to sacrifice what he'd wanted, to lose all of himself to make Cissy happy. He hadn't known what else to do. His mother didn't know he was married yet, didn't know she had a grandchild. Didn't know her husband was dead. She was locked away in a hospital, probably better off without ever seeing him again. She would be so disappointed in him, in what he'd become.
End it.
That had been so clear in his brain, so vivid, Simon looked around as though perhaps someone else had said it. It was a stupid thought. He shook his head, as though shaking it from his mind. That thought had been popping up quite often lately. End what? His marriage? How silly. You didn't end a marriage after only one week, that was just... rude.
The light in the crosswalk turned green, and he moved along with the crowd, lost among it but feeling seperated from it. He always felt seperated these days. It was like he was watching from the sidelines, a part of life but not really involved in it. Like a ghost. He didn't like feeling seperated, feeling like he was only half there around Cissy because she deserved a whole someone, someone who would be there for her and he had promised exactly that in his marriage vows. And what happened when Grace came, and he was the same way? She deserved a father who would be totally there. Not some absent father. Not a father like his own had been, for months just sitting by and letting his wife do whatever she wanted with the child, giving his kid sad glances as his gaze went back to the paper, the look on his face apologetic but refusing to do anything more. What if Simon became that kind of father? He didn't think he could stand it. Grace didn't deserve that. Simon hadn't deserved that as a kid. Maybe it was better that Arliss had run off and left Simon and his mom. And least that way, he didn't have to wonder why his father always looked so far gone. The idea of this really disturbed Simon, enough that at the next crosswalk he didn't follow the crowd, just stood there with tears in his eyes, heart pounding. What if he was incapable of being a good father? What if it was genetically impossible, and all he could do was sit by and put in minimal effort? And then Grace would hate him. Cissy would hate him. And then they might have another baby, a son, and he would become exactly the same because he learned it from his father. And then it would go on forever that way.
End it.
That was it. The clarity came on so quickly, so completely, that Simon smiled his first true, deep smile in weeks. That was what his mind was telling him. End the cycle. Stop it. Stop right away from putting Cissy through the hell of an absent husband, stop Grace from wondering why her daddy never loved her. Stop this unhappiness. Because, for the first time, Simon admitted that he was unhappy. He was unhappy. He was in love with another woman and married to someone who had crushed his heart and he was sad all the time. He was miserable. He was fucking miserable! It was almost a joy to let himself think it. He was married now, his inheritance would go to his wife automatically. Twenty eight thousand dollars. That was enough to raise a baby for a long time, and Cissy's family had money too. Cissy had her baby, and she had her job and her perfect house and a car. All she needed was to find someone who really loved her. She deserved someone who really loved her.
The cars were coming fast. One stark white SUV seemed heedless of the 35mph speed limit, barrelling through town at at least 50mph. The driver wasn't paying attention, because his enormous car meant he was too important to give a damn about trifles like laws, and pedestrians. The light changed to yellow, the SUV driver obviously determined to beat the red.
Go.
Simon stepped out into the street. He didn't get far.
The ground was like feathers beneath him, weightless, the world swimming in his gaze. It felt warm, but also too cold to stand. Noise was cloudy and swirly, nothing coherent. His mind grasped at things, at the first smile he saw on Cissy's face, Ophelia's tiny fingers in his, James in the cab scowling, Duncan's dragon guarding post-it notes, his mother's banana bread, the bump soon to be Grace. How he would never touch her face, feel her small fingers curled over his. How lonely he'd been without his dad and how he had just stolen her chance to meet hers. As breath escaped him, one last thought filled his mind...
This isn't what I wanted.