Jack and Rae (hotblooded) wrote in tiberiusswann, @ 2010-03-07 20:55:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | fox, rae |
Tuesday | April,15 2008 [Evening, Pre-Astrid's Party]
Who: Fox and Rae
When: Tuesday, April 15, 2008, dinner time
Where: Fox's room
What: Fox comes back all mopey and finds...Rae?
Fox had driven through several states by the time Tuesday came around. It was amazing how far someone could drive when they didn't care about time or distance. After leaving Farmville Sunday afternoon, he'd taken his motorcycle for a ride down the coast. He'd made it to the middle of Florida before he got bored, turned around and headed back north. Without paying attention to where he was driving, just stopping at local bars for a night on the ride, it came across to him Tuesday evening that he'd driven all the way back to TJS. "Goddammit." He let the engine idle right outside the gates to the school, setting one foot on the ground as he stared at the brick buildings. His stomach rumbled, reminding him that he hadn't eaten anything since the couple Hostess snack cakes back in Maryland. "Fuck it," he grumbled, revving the engine slightly and pulling into the school's parking lot. Fox parked his bike in his usual place, beside Charlie's and turned off the engine.
So now he was back at school, and feeling more alone than he had in his twenty years of living. Sighing, he forced himself to be angry at the situation. He could deal with the anger, could handle that. The despair was what ate at a person, made them worthless and useless. Grabbing his bag off the back of his bike, he strode into the dorms, moving quickly down the empty hallways to his room. Fox couldn't have timed it better if he'd tried. Nearly everyone was at dinner in the cafeteria. Another soft rumble in his stomach urged him to open the door to his room, to get to the snacks he had stashed in the desk. And the alcohol.
Odd, he'd thought he'd locked it when he left on Friday. Maybe he just forgot. Pushing open the door, he moved inside, looking entirely furious. Fox threw his duffel on the unclaimed bed before he noticed that he wasn't in the room alone. Shifting his head, he saw Rae sitting on his bed.
"Breaking and entering is still illegal." His voice came out sharper than he intended, but it could be forgiven considering he wasn't in the best state of mind. All he wanted was to be alone. To drown himself in whatever liquor was in his drawer and bury himself in pillows.
---
She looked rather comfortable on his mattress. She hugged one knee her to her chest, her socked foot pressing into his comforter. She had taken her sneakers off before crawling up there. Her expression was neutral for just a few seconds, until she saw his face. He looked.. broken. Her eyes were huge, wide, decorated in greens and black to match her outfit. She scratched at the hole in her tights, the one that uncovered almost her entire knee. "I.." she said, her voice soft. She had completely ignored his difficult tone, with the little snarl. "I heard your bike," she said, quietly, reaching up to brush a fingertip along silver-decorated ears. "Good hearing, and all."
She swallowed and leaned forward, her chin pressing her kneecap, watching him. "... Sucks. I'm sorry." She was a gal of few words.
---
She knew. She had called and told him as much. Fox knew he was going to have a lot of people ask questions he didn't want to answer over the next few days. Not to mention hearing apologies that didn't mean a damned thing.
Shrugging a single shoulder, he sneered, "Yeah well, doesn't do anything does it?" He shrugged off his jacket, tossing it on top of his duffel. He had to keep moving, keep active or he was going to do what he hadn't done since he heard. He was going to break. If that happened, Fox knew he would much prefer to be alone. So he was sharp and verbally rough with Rae, even though some part of him was appreciative she was with him. Striding over to the bed opposite her, Fox sat next to his duffel bag and started to unlace his boots.
---
"Ugh, you're so fucking right," she said, laying back until her head hit the mattress and her hair bounced with the momentum. She looked down her entire length at him, her legs twisting sideways. He could probably see up her skirt, but, eh, that's what tights were for! Like pants, but thinner. "I fucking hated that. Or when people asked me how I was doing. Or just the face-touching. Way, way too much face-touching at funerals."
---
For once in his life, Fox didn't even bother to try looking up her skirt. He was intent on unlacing his boots, focusing on something other than what she was saying. He recalled that Rae had told him about her own grandfather dying a few months back. Was that what she was talking about? Grunting softly as he slipped off the boot and tossed it into a corner, Fox tried to convince himself that he didn't care. One more boot to take off. Then socks. He wasn't sure what was after that, but he'd figure it out.
---
Rae was unimpressed with his behavior because... she'd seen it before, and was astute enough to read past it. She wasn't expecting him to be open with his emotions and blubber. Not immediately. If he wanted to talk, then, well, fine, but she pretty much was expecting just this: for him to be an ass. She knew that inside, though, he was hurting, and would probably appreciate someone else's presence. She figured it didn't have to be hers, anyone would do, but...she was here now.
"And all the fucking flowers. Like that matters. Like any of it does. They run around making sure the plants are fresh. Come on." She swiveled her frame around to lay sideways, looking up at him with her head propped up on one elbow. Her other arm lay limp on her side, between the curve of her ribs and hip. "It's worse when it's someone you really knew. When my mother died, I thought people saw 'PLAGUE' written on my forehead."
She swallowed. "S'stupid."
---
Were he in a normal bantering mood, he may have wanted to pursue some of those topics, like when her mother died and how old Rae was. Right now, Fox just wanted the ache, the emptiness in his chest to go away. Gritting his teeth, he focused once again on unlacing his boot, tossing it into the corner with it's partner. Socks were next. Quickly, those were stripped off and tossed into the laundry basket in the corner.
He was now as undressed as he was going to be in front of Rae. Standing, Fox moved to his dresser, opening the top shelf and pulling out a couple granola bars. It was time to ease that grumbling in his stomach. As he ripped open the first package, he went back to being snarky, trying to get Rae to leave, even though he secretly wanted her to stay. "Well, I'm back, so you can go tell people to lay off my phone."
---
Rae had been spoken to nastily by many men in her life; Fox being defensive was child's play. "I will re-lay the message," she replied cheekily, a bit of an infuriating smile on her pretty features.
---
Crunching on his granola bar, he turned to glare at her. She thought she was going to stick around? Pointing one finger at the door, he sneered, "Feel free to see yourself out."
---
She lowered her eyelids and pretended to yawn. "I'm comfy. Besides, you've disappeared for three days... I should probably tell you I moved in. Cassie has this habit of not showering... this is much more homey for me." She stretched, cat like, taking up all of his bed temporarily.
---
Fox glanced around the room quickly, not recognizing anything out of place, or anything that didn't belong to him. "So how did Starbuck take the news that you're moving into the guy's side?" He didn't care and knew she was being smartassed, but the distraction was nice. Quickly he finished the granola bar and tossed the wrapper into the trash. "Either way, I'm back and now you can move back out."
---
"Starbuck was happy. Said I'd make the whole wing smell better." She ignored the second part of his little speech, but she did sit up and swing her legs over the side of his mattress.
---
Fox's angel eyes flashed blue for an instant, signaling that he was reaching the end of his rope. "Har har. Good to know. But my room isn't where you're moving to."
---
She blinked and looked a little startled, because she'd never seen his eyes do that before. That was new to her. Nonetheless, she held her ground -- literally. Her fingers gripped his bedspread beside her. She bit her lip, watching him with an expression that offered the apology and comfort she wasn't vocalizing.
---
The expression on her face was all to easy to read, and one he hadn't had to deal with since the funeral. Aw shit, why the hell did he have to start thinking about that? His throat got tighter and he could feel the tears backing up. Turning, he rested his back against the dresser, clearing his throat gruffly. He couldn't say anything without breaking but he'd be damned if he'd cry in front of anyone.
Anger. Anger was easier to deal with. He needed to get pissed again to stop this flood of emotions.
---
"I think my suckiest funeral moment is when the adults turn around to look at you when they ask if anyone wants to say anything. Like you're supposed to have this movie-like speech in your head or something." She pulled her legs back up, sitting indian style. His room was a little cold, and she was hiding her socked feet under her knees. "But what the hell are you supposed to say, you know?"
She swallowed and began to bite on a hangnail, watching him like a scared alley cat.
---
Fox snorted. He agreed, but he wasn't going to say anything. What could he say? Hell, he'd walked out of Joe's funeral before anything like that had happened. A muscle twitched in his neck as he recalled running into the lawyer outside the building, being handed that letter. The letter and poem from Joe that was still in his bag. He turned his head away from Rae, but that meant he was staring at the duffel bag, remembering. A lone tear slipped out of one eye and fell down his cheek. Angrily, he reached up to swipe it away.
---
Rae voice was very small. "I know you think you want to be alone... but once you realize you are alone, it totally sucks, Fox." She sniffed, watching him, her chest closing in a little.
---
His voice came out raspy, resigned and soft. "I already am alone."
---
She chewed at the inside of her lip before shaking her head. "No," she said, simply. She cocked her head sideways and leaned forward. "Nope. Not if you don't want to be."
---
Fox was glad she had stayed on the bed. He told himself it would be better if she left entirely, but her on the bed was better than her beside him. As it was, he was doing all he could to hold it together. Three days being angry at God, at Joe, at everyone had taken its toll on him. If Rae were to come up and touch him, offer companionship, he'd break. So he was grateful she hadn't moved. Trying to hold back the tears again, Fox bit down hard on the side of his tongue, keeping himself from responding.
---
She stared at him. The silence stretched onward. It was funny how almost a minute of complete silence could seem so long. Finally she took a deep breath and leaned forward, elbows on the soft folds of her inner legs. "I'm not leaving." She cleared her throat a little, because there was a knot somewhere in there, annoyingly. She couldn't help it; she didn't like seeing anyone -- especially not him -- in pain. Which was annoying as well. She'd think about it later. Right now, he was more important than her apprehension about her feelings toward him.
"I know what you're going through, okay? You just.. get it out, and then you can scab it over and .. drink a little." Her chuckle was mirthless. She scooted forward on his bed. His room smelled .. good. Like him, but deeper, because it was a scent embedded in his sheets, his dresser, his computer chair.. etc. She traced the outline of his profile, her eyes unblinking.
---
Fox opened his mouth, forcing the words past the knot in his throat. "I fully intend to drink more at some point." He was lucky he didn't have a killer hangover as it was. Not thinking about it had helped the past couple days. He didn't want to admit that he need to 'get it out', so he ignored it.
---
Rae knew that Fox needed to get it -- whatever "it" was -- out, or he was going to do something stupid. It wasn't healthy to keep stuff in. She was the biggest hypocrite for knowing so, because that was precisely what she always did -- was doing, actually. Hypocrite or not, she didn't want to condone his unhealthy behavior.
"I.. uh. I found a poem. Well I didn't 'find' it, I knew of it, but I printed it out because I thought you'd like it... " she reached under his bed for her bag, yanking it up to her lap. Her rummaging around in it was noisy. She finally pulled a folded up sheet of paper out, her expression intent, and then she looked up at him. She didn't want to read it. Maybe she could just leave it there. "It's, uhm, W. H. Auden. It's cliche and famous but hey, I'm not the poem person." She uncurled the paper slowly, feeling shy. Her ears burned.
---
Fox's ears perked up when she started shuffling around. He could hear her shifting on his bedspread, the creaking of the mattress as she moved and pulled up her bag. Sighing, he resigned himself to realizing he just wasn't going to be rid of her. That didn't mean he had to look at Rae. Sliding down to the floor, Fox rested his back and head against the dresser, settling his arm on his knees. Women called it the fetal position, but it was just a defensive posture, a way for him to try to contain himself. It was getting harder.
He hoped she didn't read it. There'd been enough poetry over the past three days.
---
"If you don't talk, I'll have to read it, and I totally suck at reading poetry. But it's a funeral poem." She was warning him. Either he stop playing the tough guy, or she read it.
---
"I've got nothing to say," was all he could force out. He didn't want to talk, but neither could he stand to hear something that would make him break, more than likely. Maybe she'd be happy with the little he had just said.
---
She felt guilty, but knew it was a necessary sort of guilt. "Fine." She sniffed. "I'll just .. fast forward toward the end. It made me think of you. You know, like, how you could have written it. If you wrote. Which you claim not to do." She scanned the page, holding it shakily over her open bag.
"The stars are not wanted now.. put out every one;
Pack up the moon, and dismantle the sun.."
She twisted her lips, sighing, wondering what had happened to Auden to make him write such a sad poem. She didn't know who it was about, but it was someone he had loved.
"Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.." she glanced up at him, wondering if he recognized the prose.
---
Fox recognized it. It had been in one of the many tomes Joe had owned. Silently, he mouthed the last line, "For nothing now can ever come to any good." Dropping his head forward, he rested his forehead against his arms, the tears streaming silently down his cheeks. The only indication that he had finally given in to the despair was the subtle catches in his breath.
---
Rae's voice was hilting but she managed to sound stern, despite the way her chest hurt. "Fox." She took in a shuddering breath. "Come. Here."
---
He didn't want to move. He was comfortable, sort of, and the best part was, he didn't have to admit he was upset, angry and more hurt than he'd ever been. But for some reason, Fox found himself standing and moving over to sit on the bed. He scooted back on the mattress so his back was against the wall and tucked himself into the same position he had been in on the floor. He wanted to run. He wanted to hide, to drink, to forget the last three days had even happened. But all he could do was cry.
---
He hadn't given her much room, but then again Rae was the queen of adapting to less than favorable situations. So one arm slithered into the tiny space between the small of his back and the wall, and the other stretched over his chest as she hugged him from the side. "It fucking sucks," she said, in agreement to his silence, she pushed her forehead into his temple, eyes closed.
---
His chest shook slightly with the ragged breaths he managed to draw. Part of him wanted to wrap his arm around her and tug her close to him, as a thank you for being there, but Fox couldn't bring himself to move that much. Instead, he leaned into her touch, nodding his agreement, letting the tears fall. He'd be embarrassed later, but for now, it felt almost cleansing to let it go.
---
Rae shifted closer to him, her knees sliding under his, curling her body against the awkward angles his presented, her grip tight. She knew it felt good. She would have wanted the same. She'd gotten it, and was grateful to those people still. Her head moved to his shoulder, and she stayed that way, clinging to him for a bit. "It's fine," she whispered, meaning his silence, or his tears, or both. "It's fine."
---
Fox managed to shift enough so that she could fit better against him. One arm moved to wrap around her shoulders and his head moved to the crook of her neck. She was soft, warm and smelled so good. He'd apologize later for getting her shirt wet from his outburst, but for now, Rae was comforting. He sat there, letting go of the hurt and anger for what felt like hours, but could only have been minutes. Eventually, the tears ceased and he felt emotionally exhausted. Squeezing her shoulders lightly, he gently pulled away, using the knuckles of his free hand to wipe away the tear streaks.
---
As he cried, Rae reached up to stroke his hair gently. Her touch was light, surprisingly gentle despite her tough outer visage. She felt so sorry for him. He already felt alone, and then the one person he had was now gone. Rae wiped at her own eyes, but she'd be damned before she would admit anything. She nodded at the squeeze to her shoulders and watched him. This was good. He needed to get this out.
Her voice was thick. "When was the last time you slept?"
---
Fox thought about what she asked him. He'd done some catnapping between the romps with Kat, but did that actually count as sleeping? Shrugging, he decided to answer her truthfully. "I havent' really slept through the night since Thursday. Haven't slept at all since Saturday." How could he be expected to sleep when his heart was breaking?
---
That was pretty much what she figured. She nodded, pursing her lips. "You should try to lay down." A pause, and she reached up to shyly scratch at the back of her head. "I could stay if you want."
---
A shoulder was lifted before being dropped again. Fox wouldn't admit it, but the company was nice, and he'd probably sleep better with her around. He wouldn't tell her that, though. "That's entirely up to you. I'm just hoping what was said and done in here, stays here."
---
"Oh..." she said, with a disappointed air. She glanced over at her purse. "I should probably shut off the recorder I have going in there..." She was joking, obviously. She turned her eyes over to him and smiled a bit weakly, her eyelashes thick and long, almost touching her brows.
---
Fox rolled his eyes and gave her another squeeze before removing his arm from her shoulders. He didn't know if she wanted him to keep it there now that the crisis had passed or not. He felt utterly and completely drained after that emotional debacle. After gnawing on his lower lip for a moment, he finally managed to say, "Thanks. For being here."
He wasn't sure how to tell her that he was glad it was her and not someone else. That she probably helped and understood more than someone else could. So he left it at the thanks.
---
Rae smiled a bit wider and nodded, before reaching out to grab his shirt collar and pull him down a little, toward his bed. She followed, flopping onto her back right beside him. Her hair lashed out to tickle his mouth, and she scooted her head a little to bring it back to her. "Sorry." Her eyes traveled up to the ceiling, and then she turned her head to look at him. His eyes and nose were red, and he looked tense but.. still .. handsome. She blinked, snapping out of it, staring at him awkwardly before looking back up to the ceiling.
"Just.. relax," she said, distracted.
---
The bed was just fine for someone his size, but with the two of them on it, it made a tight squeeze. Fox flopped onto his side, curling one arm under his head for a pillow. The other snaked out to rest gently on Rae's waist. "Don't want you to fall off the bed," he said with a half laugh. It was the closest he could get to teasing with the way he felt.
Fox couldn't help the yawn that crept up on him. He closed his eyes and nestled his head into his arm, unconsciously tugging Rae just a bit closer to him. She was warm. And familiar. Comforting. He needed those and it was nice to get it from Rae.
---
Rae was no longer close to tears, but her chest hadn't loosened up at all. She realized she was holding her breath somewhere between his arm sliding over her waist and the little tug he gave after his "joke." She exhaled slowly, trying not to be incredibly obvious about it. He was warm, and smelled delicious, and she thought she was going to have a heart attack. Raeeee, what are you doing? Are you insane? This is so the wrong place for you to be like.. ever. Why are you such a goddamn masochist?
She tried to look at him, but that would bring their faces very close together, and Rae wanted to avoid that. She took deep, practiced breaths, feigning relaxation, her eyes on his ceiling. She'd stay quiet, hoping to relax him a little. Her general plan was to sneak out when he fell asleep. If he fell asleep. ... Would he fall asleep?
---
Fox was already half asleep from being worn out over the past three days. Not to mention the emotional roller coaster he'd been on. But he felt her shifting around and shook his arm on her waist lightly, muttering softly, "Stop moving. You need to chill out." His words ran together a bit, but that was to be expected. He had the thought of tugging her to him to make sure they both had room.
It wasn't a bad idea. She was soft in all the right places, and he knew how to shift to make his body fit another. An excellent way to sleep, with a soft, sweet woman that smelled like heaven in your arms.
---
Not asleep yet. His arm moved and she blinked rapidly. Stop moving, he instructed, so she did. Whatever. She could stay a little while longer. She could just stay until he stopped talking. When she was sure he was asleep. Right? Right. Until then, just not move whatsoever. Or talk. She wondered what time it was. She had a party to get to.
She screwed her face up, eyes tight, focusing on the way the mattress was touching her calves, her hips, her shoulders, and the back of her head. She could smell aftershave, laundry, and the last remains of granola crumbs. She could hear his breathing and hers. There were no other electronics on to distract her from that sound, nor was there anything else to make her not think about his arm around her.
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Her arms were pinned beneath his arm. She could have pulled them free, but that was considered moving.
---
It took a little while, but Fox eventually fell asleep in the same position. Having someone there that obviously cared about him, and someone that he cared about, made it easier to sleep. His dreams weren't exactly soothing, though, so he shifted, tightening his arm around Rae, needing the support. He dreamed, reliving the past three days. Finding out from the letter, the funeral, meeting with the lawyers, all of it. He moaned softly, his face showing the pain.
---
Rae had just in fact confirmed that Fox was asleep and was about to try to slid out before his arm tightened and he let out a soft sound of discomfort. She sucked in a breath and twisted her body to face his, realizing just how insanely close they were, and brought her arm up to gently grab his shoulder. "Hey, no nightmares. Not cool."
---
After Rae shook his shoulder, the line between his brows relaxed and he calmed down, settling more into the crook of his arm. Fox released a deep breath and fell back into sleep.
---
It took a while, but eventually Rae gathered up the courage to slide out from under his grip. He was sleeping deep enough that he didn't hear her grab her shoes or her purse. She wouldn't dare put her sneakers on now; no, she could walk through the halls with socked feet. She'd done worse. With one last look over him she tiptoed out of the room, biting her lower lip. She needed to get to Astrid's party. Where there was booze. Lots and lots of booze.
If Fox was absolutely certain he didn't need to wake up next to someone who cared about him, he was going to get a chance to validate his theory once he finally woke up.
---
Fox awoke a couple hours after Rae left, feeling calmer and a little more refreshed. It was obvious before he even opened his eyes that Rae was gone. The sucker punch to his stomach, he attributed to being alone, in a Joe-less world. Mostly because he didn't want to admit to himself that he liked falling asleep next to Rae, and had wanted to wake up to her as well. Sitting up in the bed, he rubbed his eyes. He needed to go to class in the morning and there was probably a shit load of work that he missed.
Sighing, he slid off the bed, stripping off his shirt and pants to toss those in the hamper. Setting an alarm clock to get up earlier than usual, he decided to deal with emailing the professors and whoever else in the morning. For now, he wanted to get back to sleep. Moving back to the bed, he grabbed a pillow and pulled the blanket up to cover his waist, falling back asleep rather quickly.