James (jamesownsit) wrote in tiberiusswann, @ 2010-02-19 02:23:00 |
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Entry tags: | james, lloyd |
Saturday - April 5th, 2008
Who: James and Lloyd
When: Saturday Night
Where: James' Apartment
What: Lloyd needs some comfort
Lloyd had ended up at James' apartment earlier than he'd planned, arriving around six pm with his bags of food. Using the spare key the other demon had told him about Lloyd had let himself in. He'd never been to James' place before and only knew where it was because of access to the records. It was more than a little strange being in an ex lover's apartment when he wasn't even in the same country,it felt sort of... stalkerish. He had to admit being somewhere other than his apartment was refreshing. There wasn't a singed sofa to stare at, nor was there a lingering feeling that Garret was at home beneath his floor, watching TV, living his life. Seperate. Not with Lloyd.
Change of subject... having to figure out the kitchen, Lloyd began to think about what he'd make James for supper. After such a long flight he'd be hungry, or at least Lloyd hoped he would be. He had a lot of unused food to utilize somehow into a nice meal. He also had a few large bottles of various liquor, making a vow not to touch any of it until James arrived.
By the time ten o'clock arrived he'd drunk half the vodka. Being a demon he was able to stomach his booze but it had still had an effect on him. In the midst of watching crappy TV he had dissolved into tears several times, curled up in a ball hugging James' cushions, tripped over something of Devon's on the way to the bathroom, and finally ceased the crying at around half 9. James had said he'd be back any point between ten and eleven, and that was if the flight wasn't delayed.
Watching the news, the safest thing on television, Lloyd hugged his knees and spaced out, waiting for James' return.
---
So telling your current lover whom you were trying to work through some fairly difficult times with that as soon as you arrived back to your place from the vacation you had taken together, you would be keeping one of your ex-lovers company because he'd been dumped wasn't exactly a walk in the park. Will had seemed fine with it though. James wasn't really sure if that was a sincere response or just him going back to the way things had been before, when he wasn't exactly open and honest with what he was feeling. And though it was definitely in his nature to want to try to pry and figure that out, he hadn't. It wouldn't change the outcome. Regardless of whether or not Will liked it, Lloyd needed him and James had promised to be there. End of discussion.
Having told his lover goodbye, ending their cab ride with a deep kiss, a whispered "I love you", and a playful smack on the other man's ass as he walked away, James dragged his way upstairs to his apartment. It was just before eleven. He was utterly exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in his bed for days and sleep away the fatigue of the trip, but that wasn't in the cards just yet. At least he still had tomorrow to rest up before classes began again.
Opening the door to his place, his luggage was tossed in the floor just inside the door before he kicked off his shoes and tugged off his coat then made his way into the living room. "Something smells good." He remarked, hoping not to startle Lloyd out of his silent reverie. He looked like hell. James wasn't going to point that out. Instead he just sank onto the sofa beside him and lay back against the cushions behind him. "I wonder why flying is so exhausting." Small talk. He didn't want to dive into the hard stuff until the other demon was ready for that.
---
James looked gorgeous; if it were possible, even more handsome than before with an all-over tan and his hair having sunny highlights. It was like he was glowing, healthy and happily bursting into the room despite him obviously being tired out of his tiny mind. Somehow it made Lloyd feel worse. Not only was James seemingly head over heels for someone new, but he was experiencing those feelings Lloyd had once cherised. He had someone. And Lloyd realised he was very much alone now.
The demon uncurled himself as James brushed over to slump beside him. Even the smell of him was nice and Lloyd swallowed down the lurch that rose in his chest. "It's... chicken and rice. Nothing special I'm afraid. I..." It was almost as if relief was washing over him. Finally he had someone here who he didn't feel like he had to keep himself together in front of. James was able to take control. He hadn't fooled around with Garret Cherry (he just plain didn't like Garret) nor was he going through his own method of break up recovery like Fisher was. Lloyd could shatter into pieces and James could handle it - which was why as soon as Lloyd turned to lay eyes on him he felt his walls begin to crumble.
"Did you... have a good time?" The words were barely out of his mouth before the first tear fell, followed by the next and then another, the damn breaking.
---
The time away had been good for him. He had enjoyed his fun in the sun. It was healthy, especially after all the time he had spent in the cold. And the fact that it had been with someone whom he adored had only made it that much better. Of course he almost felt guilty about that fact right now. While he'd been off having a great time, the one person that he could actually and honestly consider a friend had been here falling apart. And he had been too worried about ruining his good time to even call him and let him know what was going on. Had he heard from him sooner than Friday, when James had called him, he would have made an effort to come back a little sooner. But as it was, with so little notice, there really hadn't been much point.
"Right now, I could probably eat just about anything." It had been a good several hours since the last time that he had eaten. The food on the plane hadn't been all that great, really, more like a snack, not even coming close to filling him up. Of course James never ate much. But just smelling it was making his stomach rumble a little, a clear indication that his body, if not his mind, was looking forward to what Lloyd had made. But that could wait. James already knew what was coming. He was just waiting for it. He wouldn't have to wait for long.
He didn't even have time to answer the question before the floodgates opened and James was met with a birage of tears. Poor Lloyd. He knew how he felt. He'd been there before. He'd been so hurt and so alone that he felt like he was literally going to die from it. But he hadn't. And neither would Lloyd. And he would do for him the only thing that he could do for him at a time like this. Pulling the larger man to him, his arms wrapped around him and held him tightly, a kiss pressed to the top of the other man's head. He didn't tell him to hush, to stop crying, didn't whisper words of reassurance, but instead just held him. He knew already that none of those other things would help, but this would, at least a little. And a little was better than none at all.
---
The time away had been good for him. He had enjoyed his fun in the sun. It was healthy, especially after all the time he had spent in the cold. And the fact that it had been with someone whom he adored had only made it that much better. Of course he almost felt guilty about that fact right now. While he'd been off having a great time, the one person that he could actually and honestly consider a friend had been here falling apart. And he had been too worried about ruining his good time to even call him and let him know what was going on. Had he heard from him sooner than Friday, when James had called him, he would have made an effort to come back a little sooner. But as it was, with so little notice, there really hadn't been much point.
"Right now, I could probably eat just about anything." It had been a good several hours since the last time that he had eaten. The food on the plane hadn't been all that great, really, more like a snack, not even coming close to filling him up. Of course James never ate much. But just smelling it was making his stomach rumble a little, a clear indication that his body, if not his mind, was looking forward to what Lloyd had made. But that could wait. James already knew what was coming. He was just waiting for it. He wouldn't have to wait for long.
He didn't even have time to answer the question before the floodgates opened and James was met with a birage of tears. Poor Lloyd. He knew how he felt. He'd been there before. He'd been so hurt and so alone that he felt like he was literally going to die from it. But he hadn't. And neither would Lloyd. And he would do for him the only thing that he could do for him at a time like this. Pulling the larger man to him, his arms wrapped around him and held him tightly, a kiss pressed to the top of the other man's head. He didn't tell him to hush, to stop crying, didn't whisper words of reassurance, but instead just held him. He knew already that none of those other things would help, but this would, at least a little. And a little was better than none at all.
---
Lloyd completely let go. He'd held it in since Monday and now in the safest place possible he was able to just cry, and wail, and bury his face in James' chest. He did feel like he was dying. Though there was something in him that wondered if Garret was doing the same, even feeling the same, he ignored it. His body was shaking and he couldn't breathe. He was clinging to James as if his life depended on it, maybe it did. Lloyd didn't know what was what anymore.
"I'm sorry." The words were managed to be whispered between heavy sobs, tears streaming down his face. "I'm so sorry, I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry I walked away from you, that I gave you up.... I should have never have done it, ever...."
---
As much as James should have expected the turn this was about to take, he hadn't. He hadn't even really thought about Lloyd even thinking about something like that. At least not right now. Or not ever. He really didn't think that their "fling", or whatever it was, had meant that much to him. But maybe he was wrong. And now Lloyd was sobbing all over him and telling him he shouldn't have let him go and... It kind of hurt. Mostly just because he knew he'd never even think something like that were he not going through this right now.
"Don't." James said simply, and then attempted to soften his tone. "Now isn't even.. you have nothing to apologize for. He... You couldn't have known this would happen." Even though James really had told him that it would. As easy as it was to just go back to the way things had been sometimes, people changed and situations changed and... Things weren't always so simple. It didn't really matter how much you wanted them to be.
---
It didn't matter what James said. Lloyd knew best. Peeling away to look at him, eyes full of tears, he sniffled. "I tried. I tried it with him, and I thought I couldn't pass it up and it... I hated letting you go but Garret made me feel like a shit for it. And I should have known, I should have known the moment I kept.... letting Fisher kiss me and flirting with you that it wouldn't work. I should have gone back to you, and I should have stopped hurting Garret, and I should have...."
Lloyd buried his face in his hands, giving James a break from limpet crying. With his whole body trembling he was only slightly aware that the time for his dinner to be cooked without burning had almost passed.
---
Now was not the perfect time to be hearing all of this. James was just starting to find himself in a good place, just having come to terms with the fact that there wouldn't be anything between he and Lloyd and that he had to let Fisher go if either of them were ever going to be happy and now this had happened and... The timing couldn't have been worse. But he knew better than anyone that fate very rarely took timing into consideration.
"You can spend your entire life thinking about what you should have done, beating yourself up over it again and again, Lloyd, but what's that going to fix? What's that going to change? Nothing." He answer the question himself and then sighed softly. "I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but I don't. I don't.. have a magic fix for this. I can't..." Seeing him like this was breaking his heart.
"Just... come here." He said softly, reaching a hand out to grab him and pull him back into his arms once more. "I know this feels like the end of the world right now, but I promise you, Lloyd, it isn't." He pressed a soft kiss against the other man's hair, a hand stroking up and down his back.
---
Lloyd couldn't really control the flow of words from his mouth, or choose better ones to say instead. They were just falling out and rolling off his tongue as his brain told them to. In fact his brain had given up on all thought whatsoever and he found himself infuriatingly unable to stop himself.
"It is ending..." he whispered, allowing James to pull him back into a hug. James could do pretty much anything with him right now. "It almost ended before, it's ending now. Why doesn't he love me? Why does..." That question was alarmingly easy to answer, really. Of course Garret didn't love him. Lloyd stared at students and crossed lines without even thinking. He'd lied to him and plain covered things up. He wasn't fun any more. He wasn't carefree. As the realisation dawned over Lloyd he quietened, going into a stunned and resigned silence.
A moment passed before Lloyd could smell the dinner through his stuffed nose. "My chicken..." he said, voice dead. Rising to his feet he padded into the kitchen like he was being controlled by hypnotism, opening the oven and bringing out the foiled tray of special seasoned food.
---
Hearing him say those words, whispering those things in such a resigned voice, was quite possibly one of the most horrible things that James had ever willingly endured. And what was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? This wasn't at all his area of expertise and Lloyd knew that. Lloyd was the person that James went to when he was falling apart. And now it was his turn and... Fuck, he wasn't cut out for this mess. "Because he's an idiot." That was the only response James could think to give. "He's a complete and utter fool for not loving you." He doubted saying that made anything better at all but this was all that he had to give.
It wasn't that Lloyd had pulled away that upset him, it was the tone of his voice, the way that he carried himself as he stood and moved into the kitchen. It made him grit his teeth as a wave of anger washed over him. Fucking Garret Foss. He'd been a thorn in James' side since he'd gotten here and now he'd taken a perfectly good, perfectly strong man and had reduced him to this wreck that James saw before him. But anger, James could deal with. Anger was something he was familiar with. Anger was something he could work with.
Pushing himself up to his feet, James strolled quickly into the kitchen, just in time to see Lloyd place the pan upon the stove and close the over. Now that he was in no danger of burning himself, James grabbed him roughly by his shoulders and turned him around to face him. "I want you to listen to me, Lloyd, okay?" A brow arched slightly, almost as though challenging the man to talk back to him in this instance. "You were fucking fine without him, before he got here, before he decided to come back and fuck with your head. And you're going to be fine after him too. End of story."
Dropping his hands from Lloyd's shoulders, James exhaled a breath before he said in a much softer voice, "He doesn't deserve you, Lloyd. And I know I said that I wasn't going to say it but.." He shook his head. "I have to say it because it's true. I was right. I'm right now. And even though you didn't believe me last time, you damn sure better believe me this time, okay?"
---
Lloyd was working on autopilot, something he'd done since Garret had told him he was no longer in love with him. He barely noticed James was in the kitchen to keep an eye on him, only recognising his presence when he was roughly turned to face him. Instead of fully listening to the words James' said - they didn't help anyway - Lloyd got lost looking at James' mouth, and his eyes, that nose and jawline... James would never hurt him. He'd never just drop him after promising a life together...
As Lloyd welled up ready for another verbal battering James' hands were gone and his voice was softer. It was too late to take James' word for it, to take heed and put those wise words into action by not diving in head first with Garret once again. Lloyd's guts were in bits again, the stitches with which he'd attempted to piece himself together had dissolved in James' presence and he was inches away from becoming a wreck again. 'I told you so I told you so' was ringing in his head and he couldn't look at James any more. "I do believe you. That's not the point though," he said stiffly, turning to the side and looking for dishes to serve the meal on. The point was that Lloyd couldn't bear that James had seen what was coming before he had. It would have saved him a lot of pain.
---
If there was one thing that frustrated James more than anything in the world, it was being unable to fix things. That was his job. That was what he did. That was his role for the entirety of his life. He took care of people and he fixed things when they got bad. But when it came to things like this, there was nothing he could do to just fix it. And that frustrated him. He didn't even know where to start. And obviously, he wasn't getting anywhere right now.
A hand ran fingers back through his hair as Lloyd turned his attention back to the food. "Second cabinet on the left." He said softly, instructing him as to where the plates were. He was suddenly not all that hungry. But seeing as how Lloyd had gone to such effort to fix the meal, he'd eat at least a little. And he'd say nothing more for right now because he wasn't sure what more there was for him to say. Instead, he'd get the silverware together, napkins, and set the table for them both.
"What do you want to drink?" He noted the nearly empty bottle of vodka. "More vodka or..." There wasn't much of a selection of things in his fridge. He had plenty of Juicy Juice. Devon loved the stuff. "How about some juice or something?" Vodka might not be the best thing to have with dinner.
---
Keeping himself busy was the only thing he could do right now. Lloyd pottered around and got the plates, made sure the chicken was cooked to the nice, tender texture he preferred and then dished it out alongside the rice and little bit of sweetcorn he'd prepared as well. Silence wasn't a nice thing but he couldn't think of anything to say and he worked without saying a word. When he sat opposite James he sighed, having not even thought of what he'd like to drink.
"Um..." Juice or vodka. His stomach turned over at the thought. "Water please..." Was his answer, the grimace on his face meaning that he didn't think he could handle anything else. Once he was handed a glass he took a sip, then set to work on devouring the meal. It felt like ages since he'd eaten anything, then he remembered - all he'd had was a piece of toast a day, in the morning, maybe a bun... but that was it.
"I hope it's okay for you," he said after a while.
---
Normally water wasn't such a good idea when drinking, but since they were also eating, it might not be a bad idea. James got Lloyd a glass of water, himself a glass of juice, and then finally sat down at the table. It smelled really good, the scent of it rousing his appetite once more. But as always, he wouldn't eat much. It never took much for him to be full. Maybe that was part of the reason why he was so thin. He'd not even realized just how thin he'd gotten until St Lucia. Being in swimming shorts most of the day required you to take a long hard look at your body. It was still nice, but he'd decided he should try to put on a few pounds considering how tiny he looked compared to Will.
"It's good." James said in response, and then offered a bit of a tight smile. "Thanks for cooking for me." If left to his own devices, he probably wouldn't have bothered to eat. That or he would have just ordered in some pizza or Chinese, neither of which he really wanted, and again he wouldn't have eaten it. It would have just gone to waste in his fridge like so many things did.
Finishing off what was on his plate, James didn't go for seconds. He drank down the rest of his juice and then simply sat there, waiting on the other man to be done. And before he could even think it, he was sure to let him know, "You're not cleaning up." He cooked it. It was only fair that James saw to the kitchen afterward. But not tonight. The dishes would still be there in the morning. It wouldn't hurt anything to let them wait that long.
---
Lloyd actually managed a smile when James said the meal was good. It was always appreciated when his meals were well received, even if James didn't really seem like he wanted to eat much of it. That was okay. Even Lloyd ended up leaving about a quarter of it still on his plate. When James told him that under no circumstances would he be cleaning up Lloyd merely nodded his understanding, dabbed at his mouth with a napkin and then stood.
"Living room?" he asked, hoping to be able to curl on the sofa and just lean into James' warmth for comfort.
---
Once Lloyd was done, James stood to at least take the plates over to the sink and put the rest of the food in the fridge. It'd make a good lunch for Devon when he got home tomorrow and save James from having to either order in or cook something himself. He'd really prefer to avoid having to go to the grocery store for as long as he possibly could.
"Uhm, if you want. I'm going to go take a quick shower though, change into some sleep clothes or whatever." He needed to wash the wear and tear and funk of the plane away. Breathing that canned air for hours had left him feeling rather disgusting.
"You're gonna stay tonight, right?" He figured that had been a given by the invitation that he had made. The man clearly didn't need to be alone. "You may want to, if you're wanting to keep busy while I'm in the shower, change out the..." He pointed towards the hall. "There should be some clean sheets in the linen closet." He highly doubted he'd care for sleeping in a bed that smelled of sex and Will.
---
Lloyd nodded. He was going to stay this evening, if he was allowed, which apparently he was judging by James' instructions to change the bedsheets. Yeah, William cooties. Sex cooties. Happy ones. The demon folded his arms over his chest as he tried to comfort himself, sitting down on the settee.
Looking towards the hall, he turned back to James before the man could head off to the shower. That was another thing Lloyd had almost forgotten to do, til yesterday morning. Thankfully he'd washed himself free of beer smell before Fisher had come over. "I... I can sleep on the sofa, I don't want to sort of impose on you or anything...."
---
"Okay. Good." James said in response to the head nod. He was far too tired to have to lay there in his bed worrying about whether or not Lloyd was okay. He'd much rather have him here, beside him, so that at least one of them could get some rest. And hopefully both of them. Maybe just having someone there would help, possibly.
"No." Simple, short, and to the point answer. And he wasn't going to go on about how he wasn't imposing because he'd already told him that he'd never be an imposition and he was too tired to bother with repeating himself right now. "Just.. change the sheets and I'll be out in a few minutes."
Heading into the bathroom, James quickly stripped himself free of his travel clothes while the water ran to warm itself up. It was hot and steamy by the time he climbed in and he let out an exhalation of pleasure. It felt good. He stood there for a long time, simply allowing the heat to wash over him before he finally began to clean himself up.
About fifteen minutes later, he was climbing out of the shower and drying himself quickly, a towel wrapped around his waist as he headed to the bedroom to grab something to put on.
---
Lloyd did as he was told. James was so bossy! But the shrink secretly didn't mind it at all. After turning off the TV Lloyd turned off the TV and trotted into the bedroom. It was nice in here, not overly decorative but lived in. Living up to his nickname of Betty Crocker Lloyd set about removing the old sheets. There was the familiar smell of James, husky and sweet but there was also one he didn't recognise: Will. The angel smelt quite nice, really. Sweet and contradicting James' scent.
Once it was done he went to the closet to get out some more linen, taking it back to the bedroom as he heard the soft water of the shower in the distance. It didn't take him long to have the bed in a meticulously tidy fashion, smooth lines and not a crease in sight. He hadn't brought any pyjamas to sleep in, and he hoped James wouldn't mind him wearing his boxers in bed. Maybe he'd keep his shirt on too.
Seeing James walk in with only a towel Lloyd's first thought was not how hot he was, nor that he was naked apart from one slip of material. It was just relief that he was back in the room because Lloyd had felt suddenly alone. Once that feeling passed though, he of course realised that he was in the presence of a naked James. "All done," he said simply.
---
James wasn't sure if the shower had made him feel better or if it had made him just feel that much more drained. At least he felt clean now. And he smelled better. Not that he had smelled bad, but he felt like he had. After all, he had spent hours sitting in air that was being recycled amongst several strangers and he felt like he had them all over his skin and in his lungs prior to the shower.
"Thanks." James replied, not exactly taking the time to inspect how it looked as he was busy trying to find a clean pair of pajama pants. He hadn't taken the time to do laundry before he'd left. He finally managed to dig out a pair. He then proceeded to drop the towel and pull them on, not bothering to step out of the room or ask Lloyd to do the same. No real sense in modesty considering that Lloyd had seen him naked on more than one occasion.
Now dressed, or as dressed as he was going to be in just the pants alone, and towel-dried, James turned to face the other man, a hand moving up to tousle his damp hair. "Left or right?" He asked, nodding towards the bed so that he'd know what he was referencing. "I usually take left, but I can take either."
---
Lloyd did the decent thing anyway and averted his eyes as James changed into his pyjama bottoms. Feeling a little self-conscious himself, Lloyd shrugged, arms over his chest like he was already exposed. "You taking the left is fine, really." Garret had normally taken the right side. If he slept in the opposite positon Lloyd couldn't replace the pathfinder in his head with the demon and vice versa. It was better this way.
As James went to get into bed Lloyd finally removed his shoes, socks, jeans and top as quickly as possible before he got under the covers, also as quickly as possible. It was like he didn't want his body on show. He was vulnerable yeah, but it wasn't as if James hadn't seen him naked before so it would probably be weird to the other fire demon. The bed was warm, cosy... a nice retreat even from the new bed he'd bought the other day. He'd planned to break it in with Garret. That hadn't happened. "Thanks, for this..." he whispered, settling down and keeping a safe distance from James.
---
This seemed awkward, and for a lot of different reasons. For one, James and Lloyd hadn't spent a night in the bed together since the first night they'd ever spent together in the hotel room all those months ago. For two, it felt odd not having Will with him, draped all over him like he usually was when it was time for bed, or how he usually was in St Lucia anyway. He'd not really been that way before. For three, Lloyd seemed to feel strange being here, out of place, and though James could definitely get why that would be the case, that didn't really set him any more at ease. He wasn't sure what to do now, from here, and so he did nothing for a long moment, said nothing, at least not until Lloyd spoke.
Glancing over at the other demon, he looked at him for a long moment before he shifted in the bed, opening himself up to where Lloyd could curl up with him, against him, around him, whatever it was he needed right now. "Come here." He said in a soft and yet demanding voice, a balance that James and only James seemed capable of finding in times like these. He knew well how to find the perfect mix of tender and yet abrasive. That's why he'd managed to keep Natalia on a string for as long as he had, not that he had any desire to be that particular person again, but there were moments when that sort of thing was definitely called for. This was one of them.
---
Lloyd looked at James a moment, merely blinking. He wasn't sure if it was a wise thing to do but he wanted to feel some comfort; rather tentatively he shifted towards James, inching closer to his warm, bare chest. The heat was radiating off him, one of Lloyd's favourite things about him. No matter how hot Lloyd got, James always seemed hotter. Yeah they might not have spent the entire night together since Lloyd's apartment, thinking back, and certainly never been this close proximity since the back room at the club. It was sort of nice to not feel like he was betraying Garret by being here.
There was no point in not obliging James anyway. He'd just use that stare, and Lloyd wouldn't be able to handle that.
---
Yes, he would have just used that stare. James had a way of always getting what he wanted, though not usually when it counted the most. Case in point, if he'd gotten what he had wanted all those months ago, none of those would even be happening. Then again, maybe it would have. Maybe James wouldn't have been able to let Fisher go, and Lloyd wouldn't have been able to let Garret go. And they would have been stuck in a situation where they were hurting one another instead of just hurting themselves. Maybe things did work out the way they worked out for a reason. Of course James couldn't help but to think that the timing was crap. If this could have happened sooner then maybe they'd be exactly where they were right now under very different circumstances. But as it were, he had Will. He was falling for Will. And though his feelings for Lloyd wouldn't ever just go away, those feelings had changed, adapted, as things did when forced to do so.
Pulling the other man into an embrace, he held him tightly, held him close, and allowed his mind to drift off to places that perhaps were better left unexplored. The silence in the room seemed to grow rather heavy after some time, and though it may not have been the best thing to say right now, or the best thing to even think about, James broke the silence with a soft apology. "I'm sorry." And there was a laundry list of reasons to go behind the words themselves.
---
Finding incredible comfort in the silence, Lloyd's mind drifted away with him. He couldn't sleep, that much he knew. He was exhaused but he never slept, at least for no more than an hour at a time. He was running on nervous energy, trying to keep his mind busy. He'd cleaned his apartment five times, particularly after Fisher's messy visit yesterday, and he'd been awake all night. Only in James' arm did he seem to calm down enough to even consider it.
Looking up at him, Lloyd rested his chin against James' chest. "What for?" he asked, softly.
---
James should have known that question was going to follow, and yet he wasn't even sure how he was going to answer it. So for a long moment, he didn't, a frown pursing his lips as his gaze fixated upon the ceiling tiles. His hand moved up to stroke idle fingers through the other man's hair as he contemplated it, deciding to go with the most simple answer out of all of them.
"I'm sorry that I was right." He finally said, looking down at Lloyd. "And I'm sorry..." His voice trailed off for a moment before he added in a near whisper, "That I wasn't right sooner." Because right now, today, or as of this past Thursday, in fact, it had become too late for the two of them to go back and figure out what could have been. Now they were both left living with another "what if".
---
Lloyd knew what James meant, but that didn't mean it was any easier to hear. James had William now, and they were probably falling for each other in a big way if they hadn't already. There was still something that Lloyd couldn't keep from feeling though, or keep from doing - stroking his hand along James' chest the demon paused a little, staring into his eyes before he moved up to place a kiss on his lips.
He hadn't intended for it to linger but he ended up doing so, letting out a mix between a soft sigh and slight moan. James' scent was incredible, inspiring all the old feelings - or rather the feelings that had been buried - to burst to the surface. There'd be no doubt that his heart was starting to hammer in his ribcage as he melted into him.
---
This was precisely what James hadn't wanted to end up happening. But wasn't that usually the way of things? When you wanted something to happen, it never happened. Then just when you stopped wanting it, wanted the exact opposite perhaps, it happened. He couldn't just push him away, couldn't be that cruel, but he couldn't give him what he wanted either. So while he did kiss him back, for just a moment, just a second, because Lloyd needed him to, he was quick to pull away, though as softly as he could, a hand moving up to cup the other man's cheek as he did so.
"I can't make the same mistakes again, Lloyd." James whispered. What he had done with this man while he was with Fisher had been a mistake. And while he couldn't, and possibly wouldn't even, go back and undo what had been done, he wasn't going to do the same thing to Will that he had to Fisher. He was going to be a better man, a better boyfriend, a better... whatever it was that he was to him.
"But..." And he wasn't sure if saying this would make things better or worse. "If I were going to, it'd be with you."
---
Somewhere inside Lloyd knew James woud say no. He was so smitten with Will that he wouldn't be able to do anything else with Lloyd, even this kiss was probably making him feel so guilty. The hand that rested on James' chest trembled as he pulled away: Lloyd didn't want to hear was he was going to say. It'd be no. He'd tell him no. He was going to turn him down, he knew it, and his eyes went downcast at the sheets.
"I... I know..." he whispered, not having wanted to make James make a mistake with him but he just... he needed James. And maybe it wasn't the best way to have him but Lloyd didn't know how else he could get what he needed.
Feeling ashamed and totally stupid, Lloyd recoiled from James. The other man was only humouring him. "I should go," he said, voice quiet and shaking as he shifted to leave the bed.
---
Lloyd didn't really need James. Having James wasn't going to fix anything. He just needed to not feel alone, needed to not feel unwanted, needed to not feel cast aside, and if there was anyone that could understand the way that felt, James could. He'd been there. That's exactly what he had felt the last night he and Fisher were together, exactly how he had felt when he'd woken up the next morning and the medium wasn't there anymore. And it hurt. It hurt knowing that Lloyd felt that way and it hurt not being able to fix it, or, at the very least, help him to temporarily ease that pain.
"No, no, no." James said, strong arms pulling the man back up against him as he moved to get up. "You shouldn't go. You're not going. You're staying here. I told you I'd be here for you and I am just..." He sighed softly. "You're a psychiatrist, Lloyd." Or was he a psychologist? Same thing really. "You're a smart man. You know that, even if I could, even if we did, it wouldn't really fix anything. It'd just... maybe it'd stop it from hurting for a little while but, after the afterglow faded, everything you're feeling right now would still be there so..."
Fuck. He had no idea what he was doing, no idea what he was supposed to do. There was only one thing that he knew that worked and that was "time". And he hated thinking about how the other man would have to feel in the interim.
---
"I need it to stop hurting," hissed Lloyd, nevertheless allowing himself to be tugged back against the other demon. He wished he wasn't so warm or comforting, so cushiony to lie on even if he was thinner than usual. Yesterday, when he and Fisher had... "fooled around" he'd been in such a better mood. Since being in James' company, feeling safe to give in to the wave of pain and tears, he'd been stupidly and so ickily needy.
"I just missed you. I don't think you realised that, and it's my fault that you didn't cause I closed off... but I did. I do. I still miss you. And I wish things could be different. I wish I wasn't in love with Garret, and I wish I hadn't ever..." This was all hopeless. Curling into a ball Lloyd disappeared inside himself and buried his face in his arms. He wanted it to end now. Hibernate until it was all over.
---
"I know you do. And it will just... not right away." There wasn't any sort of magic pill that he could take, no quick fix that was going to ease the ache. He just had to wait it out, tough it out, get through it in the meantime. And maybe James wasn't the best person to help with that because of the way that he made the other man feel and yet, maybe that made him the perfect person, because if he felt safe enough to feel it here, then that meant he was feeling, and that, in turn, meant that he was dealing with it. And that was all that he really could do if he wanted this to pass.
"Shh." James cooed, trying to force the man to pull out of his ball, out of himself, and instead lean on him, curl into him, take what he needed from that. "I know. I know you do. And I... I miss you too, I've missed you. But we're both here, okay? And I'm not going anywhere." Even if he couldn't just give him the solace that he wanted, he wasn't going to turn his back on him as a friend. Lloyd was the only friend he had aside from Cissy. And that probably meant more to him than either one of them knew.
---
There were a lot of things Lloyd wanted to feel other than free from pain: he wanted to feel desired, needed enough to not be let go - special enough to not simply be thrown aside or have someone fall out of love with him. James could make him feel that way, the feelings were there to potentially make Lloyd believe he was a pillar that would cause the world to shatter if he wasn't around: but Will was in James' picture. Fisher had tried doing it, and yesterday had been really good. But today was a new day, same shit, and this was the first time Lloyd was speaking to James about his break up, reliving the hurt in a fresh new way.
Eventually Lloyd was able to be prised away from his fetal position and he clung to James' torso, wrapping his arms around him and simply holding on. "I didn't ever want you to see me like this," he admitted, hating feeling so weak right now. It was bad enough James had seem him post-suicide attempt, let alone completely shattered into pieces because of the man that had stopped anything growing between them.
---
James had said it before in reference to Fisher, and he would say it again in reference to Lloyd; He wasn't the answer anymore. There had been a time when he could have been, but everything had changed since then. And in spite of the fact that no one else seemed to get it at all, to understand it in the least, he was completely and utterly taken with Will. There was absolutely no way he could leave him now, not for anyone, not even Lloyd. And perhaps knowing that made all of this that much harder for the other demon.
"Then we'll pretend I never did." James replied simply, softly, a hand stroking up and down the other man's back in an attempt to comfort him. "It's okay for you to feel everything that you're feeling right now. You know that, right?" Fuck. It'd be so much easier to just be able to kiss and screw this all away than it was to try to be his shoulder while he worked it out. James could never be for Lloyd the pillar that Lloyd had always been for him, but he was trying, at least. And that was the best that he could do.
---
"I suppose." With his thumb stroking along the skin of James' shoulder, Lloyd began to calm down. They were creating a mutual heat which seemed to envelop the tired demons and in turn finally soothe Lloyd's nerves. James was familiar and Lloyd needed that. Placing a small kiss on James' chest as a thank you rather than an act of a sexual nature, Lloyd then nuzzled in closer.
"Tell me about your holiday," he said eventually, continuing to stroke his friend. "All the details. Make me wish I was there." Though that probably wouldn't be too hard.
---
James was glad that Lloyd was starting to calm down. He could deal with calm but melancholy. He wasn't so good with not so calm and crying. And he wasn't so sure that he would have been able to handle it if the other man kept trying to push for something to happen between them. He'd likely either get frustrated to the point where he kicked the other man out of his house, or he'd just get frustrated to the point where he'd just say to hell with it, though that was much less likely. Either way, it wouldn't have been good. And he was glad that it wasn't going to come to that.
"St Lucia is gorgeous. White sand and crystal blue water." James began, a small smile upon his lips. "And Will was, is..." Maybe he shouldn't be gushing about Will, but he had to gush to someone. "Amazing." He laughed softly. "He's such a fucking diva and I love it. I do. I love every minute of chasing after and pampering his temperamental ass." He sighed softly. "If I could just relocate everyone I love down that way, I'd never wanna leave." It truly had been one of the most beautiful places he'd ever been, and the most amazing week of his entire life by far.
---
Lloyd had to smile to himself as James said about the holiday - well less about the setting and more about the company he had. He knew how frustrating it was to not have anyone to gush about a person he was smitten with. When Lloyd had gotten back with Garret almost everyone had looked down on their reunion. James wanted, probably needed, someone to share his pleasure in this new love and so Lloyd chuckled a little.
"Well maybe you could. Devon is young enough to adapt to a new country, and your sister would probably be able to relocate with you." Everyone he loved - that meant family right? Lloyd left it at that before he hugged the other man closer. "So you're falling for a diva... who is temperamental, full of himself... yes that's quite endearing." He peered up at him, showing him it was meant in good nature and also that he could continue if he wanted.
---
"Hmm, but what about you? And Fisher and Cissy?" There were far more people that he cared about than just his family. And taking all of those people to St Lucia with him may have seemed like a good idea, but not exactly a feasible one. Some of those people couldn't leave here, for one, and for two, not all of them would particularly be thrilled with the constant heat and sunshine.
"Shut up." James muttered, a grin upon his lips. He looked happy, and he was. He was happier than he had been in a very long time. "I miss him." He admitted, and then added with a roll of his eyes. "Already." It was so ridiculous but true. And then he added in a soft voice, "I think he was kind of worried about you being here tonight. He said he was fine with it but..." He gave a small shrug of his shoulders. "And why wouldn't he be worried after what happened with Fisher?" Of course, that was before St Lucia, before they'd really hit that point of no return.
---
Hmm indeed. Lloyd didn't think Fisher would go for moving to St Lucia. It was a very particular way of life down there, a whole new ball game. Probably not as large a gay culture, there weren't as many opportunities as being on a mainland... though Lloyd right now wouldn't say no to throwing his life away to move to where the sun shined and he could just bask in the glow. "Maybe it's a future dream for you," he suggested, not really wanting to crush it with the answer that yes, two out of three would probably not relocate with him.
It was rather sickening how loved up James was. He missed him already - ah puppy love. The early stages were always the best, when you couldn't get enough of the other person and always wanted to be with them just to make yourself that little bit happier... "I'm sure he's fine. He doesn't strike me as the worried type, though. Obviously you know him better than I do, of course, but - it's a little odd. He seems so detached."
---
Of course Fisher wouldn't go for it. That wasn't exactly his cup of tea, or at least James didn't think it was. Maybe he was wrong. He smiled though and shook his head. "Nah. Won't happen. But we could always vacation there from time to time." He gave a small shrug of his shoulders. That was better than nothing, right? He could picture it now, if he and Will were to manage to make it being together for many years to come, they'd visit St Lucia every now and then to celebrate. It'd be like "their spot". That thought made him smile.
Shaking his head, James left Lloyd in on a little secret about Mr William Grey. "That's all just a show, an act. He's really not detached at all, he just... thinks it's safer to seem that way." It had taken James all of two seconds around the other man to figure that out. He could read Will like a book when so few others could. And maybe that meant something. The ache for him within him right now certainly did.
"Do you think it'd be too soon to ask him to stay with me this summer?" Seeing as how everyone had to move off campus for the summer term so that renovations could be made, it seemed only logical. Granted, it was only April so there was still several weeks left before the end of term, but when it got closer to the time, would it be too soon to suggest it? He didn't want to move too fast but he was also no good at moving slow.
---
Lloyd gave James a poignant look, smile on his lips. He knew James wanted to throw caution to the wind and dive in head first to whatever depths he could reach with William. Patting his chest in an affectionate way, Lloyd hummed. "I think you should ask, but don't expect a positive response. You might be ready to walk down the aisle in a month but from what he's told me and what I know of him, his a hundred years of chastity can't simply be shed."
Though he knew James was likely to give it a damn good go. "You can talk to me about him you know," he whispered, just in case the other man didn't realise it. "If everyone else doesn't seem to understand you or him, I'd like you to come to me. I love you, and I want you happy, and.... yeah."
---
James rolled his eyes. "I'm not talking about marriage, Lloyd, just talking about shacking up." The term was enough to make him laugh a little. "And only for the summer, just while he has to be off campus anyway." He gave a small shrug of his shoulders. "I'll be gone for a part of it anyway." Though if Will wanted to go to Disneyland with them, he'd be more than happy to take him. It might be good for them for Will to spend a little time with Devon.
And this was why Lloyd was an infinitely better person than James was. James had given him nothing but a hard time from the start when it came to Garret. And maybe... maybe if he'd been supportive, things could have turned out differently? He doubted it, but he still should have been his friend all along instead of only finding the will to do that after, well, after he'd found Will. "I love you too." He said softly, and then gave him a bit of a squeeze as he added, "Thank you." Sometimes it was hard to just be happy when you had people coming at you from all angles telling you how wrong you were or what a mistake you were making. If anyone knew that, it was probably Lloyd.
"I'm sorry I wasn't more... supportive." He felt bad about it now, in retrospect. If he could go back and do things differently, he would have just bit his tongue and been there for him. Even though he knew for a fact that Lloyd deserved better than Garret.
---
"Well that's very nice - come live with me, Will, I won't be there for half of it but there we go!" he joked, jostling James a little bit. Shacking up but not marrying. Well, if not now by the end of the year a runaway wedding would probably be proposed if not something more concrete from James' corner. James was much more likely to do those sort of things but Will might surprise him in the end. They'd have a very interesting time together anyway.
And now they were on the subject Lloyd wanted to avoid. Casting his eyes downwards, the demon suddenly reverted back into himself and he began to curl in, though against James. "Don't be sorry. Now you just... know what to do for the next time." There'd be a while before Lloyd found someone or allowed himself to trust anyone again let alone trust himself.
Somehow he didn't really think he was a good judge of character.
---
"Shut up." James teased him back, his grin almost infectious. He couldn't help himself though. He was completely and utterly infatuated. He couldn't remember ever having felt quite like this before, not even when it came to Fisher. But of course, Fisher had been the first man he'd ever been with so maybe he would have or could have felt that way had that not been the case. And maybe he would have gotten there eventually with Lloyd if Garret hadn't shown up and ruined it before they'd even had the chance. But perhaps that had all happened for a reason and he was now exactly where he was supposed to be.
"But only if he's good enough for my little cream puff." James cooed, cuddling the man against the warmth of his chest. The last thing he wanted was for Lloyd to revert back into the sad self he had been when James had first arrived home this evening. "Otherwise, well..." James grinned a little. "Can't promise I won't still be a jerk."
---
James was insufferable and far too able to make Lloyd smile. It was a rather annoying habit that both he and Fisher had seemed to develop and proceeded to taunt him with any every opportunity. It didn't seem that Lloyd would be able to pull into his own space any time soon as James had a vice-like grip on him, determined not to release him.
"Cream puff?" Lloyd gave a rather pained sigh. "You are... never going to let that go are you?" Forever the cream puff. For no reason either! It was still rather cute the way that James was about to veto anyone he didn't deem worthy. Lloyd would have done the same but he really had no say in it. If James liked them then he went for them, targets locked and no override code to save them. Nobody could change his mind. That's what he liked about him. "I promise to keep any prospective future boyfriends far from view...."
---
"Of course not." James retorted, glad that he was able to make the man smile again so easily. "And why would I?" He asked, a brow arching slightly as he added playfully, "Cream puffs are my favorite little tasty dessert." He wiggled his brows at him and then laughed. "I don't care what you think, it suits you." He shrugged his shoulders a little. There would be no changing his mind about that, just like there was no changing his mind about so many things.
Yes, James was rather single-minded when it came to things like that. He was determined. It didn't matter what anyone else thought or had to say about it, if he'd made up his mind, his mind was made up. For better or for worse. He scowled a little, though there was a bit of a grin tugging at the corners of his lips. "You're more than welcome to try but... I have ways, Lloyd. I will find out." And they would require the McCafferty seal of approval if they were going to stick around.
---
Favourite tasty desert eh? Lloyd actually sniggered at that. "You'd only sampled me about three times, James, and not even to the height of my deliciousness." Though why exactly they'd not had that chance he wasn't even going to think about. That was dangerous territory leading to another breakdown.
Of course James did have ways... but Lloyd was damn sneaky. Even sneakier than Fisher and that medium was a slippery little thing. With a coy smile Lloyd gave his best, shiny-eyed look up at James. "I have my own ways you know. I can slide under the radar and find another love without you even sniffing it out. Just you try me..."
---
"Hmm, I know." James scowled a little, but even that was done playfully, that being a side of him that Will seemed to have only enhanced and brought more to the surface during their time away. "Guess that means I just have to live with the fantasy, huh cream puff?" He teased, and then laughed softly. No, they weren't going to go down that track of thought.
"You think you're that good, huh?" James asked, a brow arching slightly. He then shook his head. "Maybe somewhere else, but not here. Somebody always knows." You could try to hide it all you wanted, but in a place like TJS, it didn't matter if you were a damn ninja, you were still going to get caught. Some way, somehow.
"It's too bad I don't have any gay friends. I'd be able to hook you up." His gay circle consisted of Fisher, Lloyd, and Will. And none of those possibilities would work. If only he knew what had happened to that guy he'd gone to boarding school with... Then again, he'd probably gone off and married some woman and had a couple of sexually repressed children running about.
---
It was true, everyone here pretty much knew everybody's business, or at least half of them did. Someone would figure out Lloyd had a bit of fluff if James didn't, and word would pass around about it, a rumour at least. It was no use. But he still liked the idea of such a challenge...
"Hook me up?" Bloody hell, the images. Lloyd had to laugh again, shaking his head. "James, you would not be a good matchmaker for me. Even I am not a good matchmaker for me. I am undeniably bad. Even if you had a thousand gay men and there was one bad one amongst them, I'd choose the bad one. It's just my luck. And you'd be no better."
Of course he'd be better than Lloyd.
---
It really was a laughable suggestion. Even James had to admit to that. Neither one of them had the best taste in men. James always seemed to go for dysfunction while Lloyd seemed to go with unattainable. But at least it was fun, challenging, or whatever you wanted to call it. He just wanted Lloyd to be happy some day.
"So maybe, if I think someone's great or you think they're great, then we should automatically mark them off the list." He suggested with a soft laugh. "You're a wonderful man. Someday, eventually, someone will see that and..." He sighed a little. "In the meantime, Lloyd, I think you should just try to have fun. I mean... you've got an incredibly long and full life ahead of you so... why not take this as the chance to get out and enjoy it?" Easier said than done, he knew, but maybe if he stopped looking for something wonderful, something wonderful would find him. That was the way it usually went, after all.
---
If Lloyd was such a wonderful man then Garret wouldn't have fallen out of love with him. A dark shadow fell over him a little and he hugged James a little closer to try and stave it off. He was making sense, though, what with the going out and enjoying his life now that he was single. There was no way he was settled into this new, free life yet but there was a lot of opportunity out there. Bars he hadn't even visited yet.
"I suppose. Try and get my self esteem up a little bit. I'm gonna take up running you know. And smoking, maybe. Cherry says I shouldn't but.... I dunno. I kinda wanna be a rebel for a while."
---
James noticed that he had pulled him closer, and he allowed him to have it. He needed it, and that's what he was here for, to be his support, his rock, something for him to hold onto to make it through tonight, and how ever many other nights that he felt exceptionally needy. Yes, he had his own life to live also, but he was certain that his wouldn't fall apart whilst trying to help someone else piece theirs back together.
"Eww. Smoking is a terrible habit, Lloyd. There are far better ways of being rebellious." Like sex with strangers, drinking, something along those lines. Anything but cigarettes. They were positively disgusting. "You don't want to taste like an ashtray, do you?" He shook his head. "Cherry is definitely right on that front." He would agree with her wholeheartedly.
---
"I ate an ashtray once," Lloyd said matter of factly, regressing back to his childhood. "I was five, and my grandmother was a very heavy smoker. I wondered why they liked it so I just tipped it into my mouth and ate the ash. It tasted disgusting." That he remembered. On second thoughts maybe smoking wasn't the way forward. If he wanted an air of mystery he'd just set fire to something and waft it around himself.
"I much preferred the ash of the fire we had, with all the smoky ash. We're said to be born from that. Born from ash and smoke and all that stuff... I know that's not true but I kind of like that sort of legend."
---
"Ugh! What on earth would possess you to eat an ashtray?" That was absolutely disgusting. Steal a cigarette and smoke it, maybe, but eat the ashes? Children did the oddest things. He was glad that Devon wasn't really a typical child. He'd yet to stick something somewhere that it didn't belong. Hopefully he never would.
"Who's to say it isn't true." James suggested with a small shrug of his shoulders. "It's not like there's some sort of scientific explanation as to where we really come from. We just are. So maybe that's exactly it. Once upon a time, at least." He wouldn't discourage him from believing in fairytales. He was a father. He understood how important those were sometimes.
"You should try to get some sleep, Lloyd." James suggested, pressing a soft kiss to the top of the other man's head.
---
"I did mention I was a child when I did that, right?" That was Lloyd's excuse, and he was sticking to it. No matter that he'd been technically old enough to know better.
It was nice to think of their legends and origins surrounding the race of fire demons. As demons were typically synonymous with Hell that was highly likely, though Llloyd supposed that there could be many variations. The myths of dragons of Wales were rumoured to be linked to Lloyd's family line. He'd have liked to explore that.
James' words and soft kiss broke his reverie and he sighed. "I haven't slept properly for days. Why should I be able to now?" Though even as he said it he began to quieten, curling into James' body instead of himself and sighing.
---
"A child, yes. But Devon's a child also and I can't imagine him eating an ashtray." James laughed a little. It really was quite funny. He could only imagine the expression on his face. It was also odd picturing Lloyd as a child. He was trying, but he couldn't really manage it, instead just seeing the grown man's head on a child-like body. That was quite amusing as well.
"Because you need to." James answered softly, a hand stroking up and down the other man's back. "And because you're safe enough and warm enough and loved enough to do it here." He couldn't argue with that logic, right?
---
Loved enough. Those words brought home so many realisations and emotions... Garret wasn't in love with him any more. But James loved him. That much he knew. Lloyd felt his stomach turn over at the thought, hands clinging onto James a little harder as if it would help chase the nightmares away. Sleep had eluded him for so many nights but here he did feel close to peace.
As he closed his eyes a tear fell onto James' skin: he ignored it. There was no point in trying to wipe it away, there was no point in hiding it or feeling embarassed. That was the last tear he'd shed over Garret.
---
James didn't point out the tear, didn't say a word about it. Instead he just held him tighter, kissed the top of his head again, and continued to stroke fingers up and down the other man's back.
He would sleep, eventually, even if he didn't want to. And when he woke up in the morning, he'd feel maybe a mere fraction of a percentage better. James knew all about that. He'd been there. It wasn't fun. But eventually, things would get better. He'd find someone who... made him feel good again. He just had to give it time, that's all.