Sirius Black (the_black_sheep) wrote in throwingstones, @ 2010-04-27 02:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! complete, [april 1979], lily potter, sirius black |
Who: Sirius Black and Lily Potter
When: Monday evening, 26 April 1979
Where: Safe house front steps
What: Sirius needs someone to talk to who is not a Marauder.
Rating: PG
Status: Completed log
In Purist Society it was not considered proper to show emotions, or at least not strong versions of emotions, and it was worse if you were a man. You were always expected to be fairly stoic and grounded, never letting anything get to you and never letting the mask fall away. Sirius blamed Society for his complete inability to handle emotions like most normal people, and thus he blamed it for his inability to deal with Nymphadora's death. He also blamed Society for his inability to talk to his friends about what he was feeling at any given moment if it was anything other than happiness. Emotions were not shown, and they were also never discussed. For some reason, though, Lily was different. Sirius generally felt rather comfortable talking with her about things that were bothering him, things that he couldn't discuss with James because the conversation would be all sorts of awkward and uncomfortable. What made talking to Lily even better was that she seemed to understand nearly everything, no doubt because she seemed to be able to look at things differently than most people. She had demonstrated that ability when Remus' secret had come out and she had spoken her thoughts on the matter, and Sirius respected her because of it. Lily was unique, and he was glad she was there to talk to. After limping very slowly down the front steps, Sirius took a seat. Maybe they wouldn't go for a very long walk. Hell, Sirius probably shouldn't even have been out of bed, never mind attempting to go for a walk. Right. They were going to have their conversation on the steps because even if they did go for a walk, Sirius was fairly certain that Lily would have to drag him back to the safe house, and well, that would be embarrassing. It had been a trying day for Lily. Week, month, year. It was all trying, yes, but today she'd spent the day trying to get James released from Mungo's and back to the safe house. And now it was night and he was set up and his potions given and Lily was trying not to acknowledge how sore she was. The way her hand ached and her insides cramped wasn't exactly encouraging, but James was more injured and she needed to talk to Sirius. So Lily did what she always did in these situations: snuck a pain potion in the toilet where no one saw her and acted if she was one-hundred percent. Giving her husband a kiss and telling him to stay put, Lily took the stairs gingerly and headed outside to the steps where the closest thing to a brother-in-law she had was. True she had an actual brother-in-law but Lily didn't count him. Especially now. Sirius was it, and he wanted to talk and so she would listen. Lowering herself carefully down beside him, Lily resorted to her newest habit and hugged her left hand close to her chest, the ache deep inside it ebbing as the potion slowly numbed the pain. "Hey," she greeted, tilting her head up and looking at the stars. "James is now set up." Sirius heard the door open and Lily's footsteps behind him, and he smiled over at her as she sat down beside him on the steps. He noticed her tucking her hand against her chest, but he didn't stare or react at all and simply thought about how much he hated the Death Eaters in silence. They were doing far too much damage to the Order and everyone they held dear, and they had to be stopped. Sirius approved of Dorcas' plan to respond to their violence one hundred percent, though he wished it had come from the Team Leaders, wished that they were willing to do something other than fret over the younger generation of Order members. With a nearly inaudible sigh, Sirius followed Lily's gaze and looked up at the innumerable stars that were scattered across the night sky. It was nice out here in the country, much better than it had been at his family's home in London. It was peaceful being surrounded by forest and night sounds rather than far too many houses and too many lights which blocked out the stars. Leaning back against the stairs behind him and supporting himself with his elbows, Sirius nodded at Lily's comment about James. It was good that he was out of the hospital. "Sorry that we're not going for a walk. I didn't think I could make it very far. My leg still isn't healed entirely. Bloody Dark Magic." There was another sigh as Sirius decided where to begin. "I'm glad Dorcas decided to suggest that we do something. I was beginning to feel a bit like the Order was useless, and I didn't join to just sit around and do nothing while Death Eaters ran around and killed everyone I cared about and innocent people who have nothing to do with this." That was sort of what he wanted to talk about, the whole people he cared about dying business, but it was hard to think about adorable little Dora being murdered by Bellatrix's ape of a husband. It made Sirius feel a bit sick to his stomach thinking about it, and it made him angry as well because Dora hadn't done anything wrong. It was all because of some sick family dynamic no doubt, and whether it was because the Death Eaters had figured out Ted was at Hogsmeade or just because Rodolphus was murdering those his wife could not while incarcerated didn't matter. No matter the reason it was awful. "I never thought they would stoop to killing a little girl, Lily. She probably didn't even know there was a war or anything like that. She was only six. All she cared about was Puppy and doing kid stuff." Sirius had to stop after that, not knowing what to say and not wanting to think about it. He had no idea how he was going to make it through the funeral the next day. "It's okay, I don't feel much like a walk either," Lily assured him, and though she didn't comment on his mention of Dark Magic, she could feel the retreating ache in her hand rear up again and she held it closer to her chest as he went on to talk about Dorcas and the Order. And while she still wasn't completely comfortable with being the vigilantes of the vigilantes, she'd already made her choice and so she nodded with him. And then he went on to where some part of her knew he was going to go, and she tilted her face and watched him as he spoke. Somewhere along the line Lily had become the resident expert on death in the Order, and though she didn't relish why she'd become that she understood. She had been dealing with it since she was twelve until every person who shared her blood was now buried in the ground. She almost thought she should be numb to it by now. But she wasn't. At some point while Sirius was talking, Lily's hand (the right one) reached out and took his, her fingers threading through his fingers, and she continued watching him speak in silence, her face not registering the change in the placement of her hands. This death she had no experience with. A child. A six year old girl. And while she could make all sorts of lip service about how she hadn't suffered, and that at least she didn't have to grow up in this ugly world anymore, it would just be words. Because the truth was that a child was dead and there was nothing positive and no silver lining to be found. "They aren't human anymore, Sirius," she heard herself saying, turning away from him and back to the stars. "They gave up their claim to humanity when they began killing people for enjoyment. And you can't ask for reason from someone who doesn't have a soul. Which is shite, I know, because all you want from this whole thing is to find something that makes sense, something you can understand. A reason. But there isn't one. They're monsters. Literally, monsters. And monsters don't have reason, you can't understand them. A child, a grandmother, someone their own size. It doesn't matter. They kill what they can because it's all they know." Sirius didn't even realise Lily was looking at him, didn't realise anything at all really, until she took his hand, and then his gaze fell from the sky to the ground, and he turned his head away ever so slightly as he listened to her talk so that she didn't have to see that he was biting the inside of his cheek or that his eyes were watering. She was right. He wanted so desperately for there to be an explanation for what Rodolphus Lestrange had done, and though Lily said there was no reason, that the Death Eaters were soulless monsters, Sirius had a bit of incite on that and the fact that they thought they had a reason. It was incredibly illogical, and it didn't help the case against them, however, so he supposed it didn't much matter. Still it gave him something to explain, something to take his thoughts away from what had happened if only for a few brief moments. "They have a reason. They think anyone not of pure blood is a lesser being than them, something that deserves to be eradicated. It's not a good reason by any stretch of the imagination, and it definitely doesn't excuse them from murdering innocent people who are really no different than they are and can't help where they come from, but it's what they think. I was taught from the day I was born that I was better than everyone else because for one I was a Pureblooded wizard, and even more importantly I was a Black, and our bloodline was one of the oldest and purest in Wizarding Britain. You see where that's landed us. We have relatives like Bellatrix, and the Lestranges who are another ridiculously old family, they have an extra helping of insane as well. Anyone who can kill a little girl just because her mother didn't buy into the same beliefs as the rest of the family and her father was Muggleborn is crazy." He hadn't been there to see Rodolphus kill Dora, and he definitely pictured it as a bit more violent than it had been in reality, but that didn't change the fact that every time he envisioned it, he wanted to be sick or maybe punch something or cry. He wasn't entirely sure, and he subconsciously squeezed Lily's hand in his own. "I don't know why I'm trying to explain how they think. It's wrong. It's beyond wrong. You're right. They're all a bunch of soulless monsters." Sirius still couldn't raise his eyes to look at Lily. "I think maybe I wanted some of them to be redeemable. Or maybe I just wanted them not to be completely evil. Maybe I wanted to think that in some cases they would stay their hands, but I was wrong. They don't care. Old, young. It doesn't matter at all to them. All they see is someone of unpure blood or someone who doesn't agree with their beliefs, and that's that. That person suddenly means nothing to them. It doesn't matter if the people they kill are family even." Sirius' voice cracked on the word family, and if he had been in front of anyone else he would have cared, but it didn't matter anymore. Lily understood. She knew that it was hard to hold on to family these days. All Sirius had in the way of actually family that mattered (minus Regulus who was a messy subject) were Andromeda, Ted and Dora, pseudo-parents who weren't much older than him, and a pseudo-baby sister that he adored. And one of them was gone, and the other two were likely beyond crushed at the loss of their daughter. He hadn't really spoken to Andromeda, but he could only imagine she felt a lot like he, trying to bottle it up and not let the emotion out while at the same time trying to grieve in a normal way, only a million times worse. Swallowing thickly, he sat up and leaned toward Lily, resting his head against her shoulder. There wasn't anything else for him to say. As much as he wanted to reason through what had happened, there was no logic behind the killing of a child. He could explain their mentality, sure, but it didn't help. It didn't make the pain any less, and it wasn't going to bring Dora back. "An excuse isn't the same thing as a reason," she whispered, resting her chin against his head. "There's something evil in them. And this war, this Dark Lord, this belief that they're superior by virtue of a genetic lottery... all it is is an excuse. And an explanation isn't the same as an excuse." Letting go of his hand, Lily wrapped her arm around Sirius' shoulders, turning so that he could lean into her in a proper hug as she held him. "It's a horrible thing. And you're allowed to mourn for her, Sirius. It hurts, and nothing hurts worse than it, and if you don't let it out in some way it will eat you up until all that's left is this ugly need for vengeance. If you give into that it's just one step closer to an excuse. Because hurting like this? It shows you're still human." "I'm going to miss her, Lil. And Andromeda and Ted. They-" Sirius murmured the words into Lily's shoulder and then stopped, out of words for now. He stayed like that for some time, hugging Lily and hiding tears that he very rarely shed, this time for a little girl who would never get to experience a million great things in life. Eventually he pulled away, grey eyes that were slightly red-rimmed, and an occasional sniffle the only indication that he had given into his grief for a short while. "I hate them. Bellatrix and Rodolphus. I hope they sentence both of them to the Dementor's Kiss and that neither of them raises a wand against another person ever again. And I hope that we get the others too. We have to. We can't let this keep going or pretty soon there won't be anyone left to keep fighting." After a few moments of silence, Sirius stood up shakily and quickly reverted to hiding his feelings, though he did feel better getting a lot of them off of his chest. Giving Lily a weak smile, he offered her his left hand to pull her up off of the steps, still uncertain that he could support much weight with his right. It was hard enough to write and cast wards. "Thanks, Lil." The thank you was a little sheepish, but it was sincere, and after Sirius said the words, he started slowly up the steps. When he reached the door, he glanced over his shoulder at Lily and gave her a slightly more impressive smile than the last. "What do you say we make some hot cocoa and bring it up to James and Remus?" And just as Lily knew about losing family, about giving into grief, she also knew when it was time to leave the conversation and let things heal at their own pace. So when Sirius backed away she let him, and she held out her hand - keeping the mangled one as close to her chest as ever - and allowed him to pull her to her feet. "Cocoa sounds perfect. I'm pretty sure I have a bag of marshmallows in a cupboard somewhere," she added. Then, on impulse, she pushed herself onto her tiptoes and pressed her lips to Sirius' cheek before turning and heading through the door and back into the house. |