'L' for Lily! (thatgingergirl) wrote in throwingstones, @ 2010-03-04 22:10:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! complete, [march 1979], james potter, lily potter |
Who: Lily and James
When: 4 March, night
Where: Their room in the safe house
What: Lily is grieving. James is comforting.
Rating: S for Sad.
Status: Completed log
Lily didn't have answers. She didn't know why she thought Valere would have them, and knew it had been a bad idea to try and get them from him in the first place but hadn't really known what else to do. And she still didn't. But the conversation, as brief as it had been, had distracted her, had made her feel something besides guilt and grief. A small oasis she had since abandoned and now felt lost as she tried to figure out what she was supposed to be feeling now. So she sat on her bed, curled up at the head with her chin on her knees and her arms wrapped around her shins as she watched the door. She was alone. She had the freedom to finally break down like she'd been desperate to do around Caradoc and now... and now she couldn't. All she felt was numb and broken, as though the window to feel and move past this had been opened and shut and she'd never be able to leave this gaping empty hole of nothing that was eating away at her. Her eyes flicking to her journal with every tick of the clock as though Valere would write her back once again and give her that distraction back. James hadn't actually spoken to Lily in... by now it seemed like an eternity. He supposed that was to be expected when someone who was such a constant in your life suddenly decided they weren't exactly comfortable doing so at the current moment. With or without valid reasons, even though he was pretty sure Lily's reasoning in forcing he and Sirius out into the carriage house were valid. That had been something that was on his mind since the morning after the full moon, and he hadn't pushed the subject at all. Maybe he should have, but right now? Couldn't be bothered to think about that all. No, there were much more important things to deal with right now. Such as the fact that his wife had found out that her last living relative had been killed, more than likely by the man who had been trying to get to her herself for months to no avail. Honestly, he had no idea what state he would find her in as he made his way into the main house, going over every possible scenario in his head and how exactly would be the best way to react. What would be the best way to be there for her, even if she didn't want him to be. Arriving at the door to the room they had been sharing up until recently, James knocked softly twice. He didn't know if he actually should, but didn't wait for a response before opening the door, still not knowing what he'd find behind it. Stepping through he found... not what he expected at all? She was just sitting there on the bed with her arms wrapped around herself, and his first thought was to walk over and wrap his own around her, but he didn't. Instead James closed the door behind him with a soft, "Hey." There was a note of pause before he coughed nervously and spoke again, "I... heard from Caradoc. Thought you might want some company?" When the knock came Lily's head had snapped away from her journal and to the door and sure enough, there was James. Having spent the past few days furious at him to the point where she hadn't even wanted to see or write to him, having him standing before her right now was a bit strange. Strange, but a relief. Which was also strange, since she hadn't realised before just this second how much she wanted him there. It wasn't as if his lying suddenly didn't matter - it did - it was more that... well, he was all she had left. He was the only family she had in her life and just him standing there in the doorway was a reminder that she wasn't alone. "Hey," she said back, her body unfolding as she sat up straighter, her hands reaching out to shut her journal and move it aside. Valere distracting her didn't seem quite as important anymore. James was here. James who always seemed to invoke some sort of emotion from her. He'd know how to make it stop, that gnawing emptiness that was keeping her numb. She wanted to tell him that, ask him to make her laugh or scream or cry. Anything. But all she could respond to him with was: "Oh. Yeah, I guess. Thanks." Okay, maybe it would have been better if she was inconsolable and crying hysterically over this all. Did that make him a bad person for thinking that? James didn't want to see Lily hurting at all, even though in a situation like this she had every right to be, but at least if she was crying that would have eliminated the need to talk. To talk about this. That was the part that really scared him, because if he had to talk, he had no bloody clue what to say. He had tried to remember back not even two months ago when the tables had been turned, about what she had been the one forced to comfort him. It didn't help any, because he couldn't really remember, it having already turned into one of those things his mind chose to hide away from himself, almost as if the memory had been obliviated. She had been there, though, that James could remember. And that was something he could do for her now. "Don't mention it," he responded softly, walking the short distance over to the bed. He turned around to sit, pushing himself back enough so that his shoulder was brushing up against hers. He opened his mouth to say the first thing that came to mind, but clamped his lips shut when he realised just what was about to leave them. I'm sorry. After all of the bitching he had done on people saying that exact same thing to him when his father died, he couldn't believe he had nearly uttered those words to Lily. Instead he took a deep breath and looked over at those sad green eyes, "You look like you need a hug." Fucking Godric, that really didn't sound much better. Lily didn't answer. She didn't even know how to answer, to be honest. So instead she just leaned in, laying her head on her husband's shoulder and letting herself fall against him. It didn't make all of those feelings that were still lost inside of her come pouring out, but it made her feel less stranded. Her arms threaded through his, pulling herself closer to his body. She knew she should say something. Reassure him that she was fine, even if he'd know she wasn't. But she just didn't have the energy for words. It was so much easier to curl up against him and stare at the walls and listen to the sound of the evening rain on the window, starring at the bedspread as if the patterns would change if she looked hard enough. James wrapped his arms around Lily when she curled into him, leaning into her to rest the side of his cheek against her head. She wasn't the only one who had no idea what to say, though he felt some urge to reassure her that things would soon be fine. That this would be over soon and she would be safe. That he would keep her safe, but James honestly couldn't promise that. He knew that even with his very best efforts put forth, there was no failsafe way to ensure something didn't happen to her. That knowledge shook him to the core, especially when forced to face the fact that a life could end so swiftly. He was her husband, and he should be bloody well able to keep her safe at whatever costs, damnit! But because of people like fucking Valere Lestrange, he couldn't. So James did what he could do, pulling her a little bit closer, hugging Lily a little bit tighter as he moved his head to kiss the crown of her's. "I love you, Lils." "I love you too," she told him, her voice flat and robotic even with those words of endearment. She couldn't help it. She didn't even have the feeling necessary to add meaning to her words. It was just... nothing. Even though she meant it she couldn't make that come through. So she sighed, adjusting her legs and throwing them over James' lap so she could lean more comfortably into him. "I did something stupid," she heard herself telling him in that same dead voice. "You'll have to promise not to tell though. Before I tell you what I did. And you can't be mad at me either," she warned. Not sure why she felt the urge to tell him about her conversation with Valere. Maybe it was some last ditch try to drag something out of her. Maybe she wanted James to get mad at her so someone would be. Ugh. Hearing her talk like that, it just... James really wished there was something you could do in a situation like this that magically made ever thing better. He was pretty sure not even magic could help right now, though. As she shifted, so did he, dropping a hand to her lower back before sliding it up her shirt a bit to run up and down her spine slowly. When Lily informed him she had done something stupid, he tensed, the worst possible follow ups to that statement coming to mind. When had he become a pessimist? As she continued on, her words only filled him with dread and he wasn't entirely sure he truly wanted to know, but he swallowed hard and answered, "Okay. I won't tell anybody, and won't get mad. Promise." He regretted those words the second he muttered them, but did nothing to rectify that. Lily was quiet as James tensed, even as he promised. His hands were running down her back, a comforting feeling despite the conversation and topic. She found herself hoping that he did get mad and yet wouldn't stop the way his hands were moving. But she didn't have that sort of luck so she wasn't counting on it. It anything he'd stop and not get mad and then she'd be back exactly where she was before. "I warded Valere Lestrange. After Caradoc brought me back. We didn't talk long. I think he's ignoring me, actually. Which is a bit of a change," she explained, not sounding regretful of the action. Though at the same time she also didn't sound proud. It was just matter-of-fact, as if she was telling James that she'd weeded the garden or brewed a burn salve. "Sorry," she added as an after thought. Not sounding at all as if she was that either. James has been expecting half-expecting Lily to admit to so many awful, awful things that when she finally spoke up, it took him a moment to get out of his own thoughts and realise what she had actually said. What!? Lily had warded Valere Lestrange!? Part of him did want to be angry at this, to be furious that his wife had done such a stupid thing. That she had sought out a correspondence with the man who had been trying to kill her for months, the man who had murdered her sister yesterday. That same part of him wanted to tell her how moronic a stunt like that was, to ask what she hoped to accomplish from that, to yell that that was the last thing she should have done, but. A much bigger part of him was scared; something he'd never get used to feeling even after all they had been through. Not knowing her unspoken wish, his hand did stop moving as she let out that feeble apology, and James pulled back enough to angle his gaze down on Lily. "Why-- Why would you go and do something like that?" he got out in a strangle voice, an odd mixture of disappointment and fear that he didn't think she'd ever seen before apparent across his features. "And what did he say?" Was she now in more grave danger than she had been before? Had Lily only flung herself farther into mortal peril with this move? Lily frowned slightly when James' hand pulled away, but that was the only emotional expression that slipped out as he responded to her. No, she should have counted on James trying to be understanding. She sighed, not looking up at him and continuing instead to examine the hands in her lap. Idly her right hand twisted the ring on her left, pushing the diamond so it twirled in circles around her finger. "I don't know why," she answered, hypnotised by the ring and avoiding looking anywhere else. "I wasn't sure what to do. So I told him I got his message. He told me that Vernon made a rather large canvas for one. I asked him what he wanted. He said my other two fingers and a reason for being on his property. I asked if he intended to leave those fingers at other houses, and told him I got lost. That may have been stupid, yes. Anyways, he said if I wasn't going to cooperate he wasn't going to argue with children. I said as a child, he has probably punished me enough for my crime. And he never responded. I told you. I think he's ignoring me now." The explanation was give dryly, a matter-of-fact recitation of the facts, as Lily continued to sit motionless upon James' lap aside from the fidgeting with her ring. And James just let her talk, not even interjecting to agree that her warding Valere was probably one of the dumbest things she could have done. Okay, so possibly the conversation as she was outlining it could have been much worse. There had been no more death threats or promises of bodily harm, right? Unless she was just leaving that out... No, no James was going to give Lily the benefit of the doubt. What good would it do for her to tell him all of that, but potentially leave off a detail like that? Again, the urge to lecture her and berate the choices she had made rose up, but he swallowed that all down. He had promised not to get mad at her, and also not to tell anyone else. Anyone else who would surely not let their first instinct go away so quickly. Trust had regrettably become something of an issue for them over the past week, and he wasn't going to push his luck with that any more, right now. Taking a deep breath, he watched her not looking at him for a moment more before pulling her close to him again. "Now I need you to promise me something, okay? Don't do that again. Don't ward him. Don't respond to anything he says at all. If he says something to you, come to me or... or one of the leaders, or anyone in the Order, but just don't seek him out, or talk to him, or any of that. Alright?" he finished, not as strongly as he may have liked as he brushed his fingers up her back again. She wasn't sure why she didn't tell James that Valere had warned that more would die. Probably because she didn't want to admit and acknowledge it. That she was going to be responsible. It was just something she couldn't think about or acknowledge. Almost as though if she never mentioned it then it was never written and it would never happen. So she stayed quiet, listening to him while he described the promise he wanted her to make. And she didn't answer. His hand went back to her back and she let out a small sigh as she burrowed in tighter against him. "I wanted answers, James," she finally said, ignoring his request. "Vernon... he made Vernon watch it all. As he killed her. Stuck him to a chair. He told him to deliver me a message. That I messed with the wrong people and left my family unprotected. I wanted... I'm not sure what I wanted. Maybe, that if I answered his message, he wouldn't try to leave me another? I don't know." Falling silent, she finally closed her eyes, breathing the scent of him in. This was some odd conversation they were having. Taking two steps forward in addressing something only to turn around and touch base on something that had previously been glossed over. James wasn't a fan of playing games of sorts, but knew by now how things didn't exactly make sense properly after a tragedy such as this, especially one that affected you so personally. He started to feel sick to his stomach as Lily told him her brother-in-law had been forced to watch the murder of her last remaining blood relative. Even if his mind had dipped into the deepest and darkest recesses of itself, he was sure whatever it could come up with was child's play in comparison to what Valere had done. Godric, this really was a horrible topic of conversation to have to discuss. "Lils," he went with her words instead of his own, though not blind to the fact that she had not responded to his request of her. "Valere Lestrange isn't going to give you any answers. Giving you answers would mean that he was giving you some sort of power, and that twat would rather keep stringing you along to play his little game, to get to you more. I'm not saying that ignoring him will miraculously keep you safer, but doing so at least won't cause any more problems." Why did he have to try and fix things, why couldn't he just be here for her, but most importantly why did he say what he said next? "I'm sorry, love," he got out, immediately wincing. That... had not been the right thing to say, but in a truly James fashion, he couldn't shut up, "That this happened. That any of this happened. That I tripped those wards, that you splinched and got arrested and are stuck under lock and key. That he did that to your sister, and involved your brother-in-law and you had to find out." James sighed. "And I'm really sorry I can't shut my bloody mouth..." "It's fine," she told him, "you can talk all you want. I don't mind. I'm kind of tired of talking back though, so I'm just going to sit here and listen." Not exactly a response to anything he had said, true. But Lily hadn't been lying. She was tired of talking. She'd already described the incident twice and had no doubt she would have to again at some point. If Caradoc had told James then he'd likely told others. People would be visiting, journaling. She'd have to talk to them all. The apologies she didn't deserve, the sympathy she shouldn't be getting. All of it. And it was exhausting. Talking, explaining, trying not to envision it. It was all just exhausting. And now they were about to get into a game of 'who is more to blame' and she just really didn't have the energy to prove it was more her fault. So she didn't. She stayed quiet, her eyes still closed, trying to focus on his hands and his smell and that gaping black hole that was sucking away her ability to feel at all. And suddenly she was grateful to it. Grateful it wasn't letting her break down and get it out of her system. Because it was exactly what she did deserve: nothing at all. The truth was James didn't really feel like talking himself. He wasn't even the one that this affected directly and completely, and he didn't want to have to deal with any of this. Or more precisely, didn't want Lily to have to deal with any of this, because it really was fucking unfair. All of this that had happened lately was unfair, and the worst of all was seeing her like this. Merlin, it seemed they spent far too much time - everyone - having to wallow and become distraught over the events of the past few months. Nobody could seem to get a break. It was becoming more and more obvious that maybe they weren't fit for this for whatever reason, maybe they were too young or whatever, but people shouldn't have to deal with this. People shouldn't have to-- Ugh. No. As much as this sucked, James wasn't going to sit here with his grieving wife throwing himself a pity party. It may not have shown much, but the Order had made some difference. Did have a valid purpose. They did belong here, he reminded himself. With that thought in mind, he started rambling on about whatever random thing popped into his head. "I think my boss might secretly be a dragon. You know, sort how Caradoc is a dragon, but I don't have much proof. Or any at all. This seems to be a major flaw in all of my conspiracy theories, one I should probably look into. Perhaps. Even though it can be rather amusing to go with the first thing that comes to mind and simply treat it as confirmed fact. I mean, that's how Sirius and I figured out Caradoc is really a Purist socialite. Wait, did I tell you about that? The hat I found in the Dearborn's kitchen in a hatbox back when we were staying there? It was pink and had a nice wide brim, and I'm pretty sure it confirmed the fact-- at least in my mind -- that he's a well-hidden Lady Of Society..." James continued on until he seriously felt himself passing out, Lily still in his arms and his hand still slowly rubbing her back. Nothing he said had anything to do with the problems right in front of their face, but that in itself was kind of nice in itself. |