InsaneJournal

For perhaps the first time in his life, Sirius Black was at Hogwarts and didn’t like it.

No, that wasn’t true. He hadn’t liked it when he’d first been Sorted into Gryffindor; it had taken him several months- until the Christmas holidays, in fact- to get over all that and start to realize what a blessing being at Hogwarts actually was for him. And he hadn’t liked it a few days ago, either, when McGonagall had him locked in a “safe room” like it was his childhood bedroom and she his bloody mother. Third time, then. For the third time in his life, Sirius Black was at Hogwarts and didn’t like it.

The Headmistress had the sympathy, at least, to let him know that they’d cleared Remus to their satisfaction and if he wanted to come along to collect his fellow Marauder he was welcome to; and while he’d taken some umbrage and the (unintentional, he knew,) suggestion that Remus was akin to baggage that needed bloody collecting, he’d all but sprinted up the street from the village to the school to get there.

Okay. Fine. He had sprinted. He’d’ve gone Padfoot to do it if there hadn’t been so many people on the village lanes at this time of day.

Now he paced, waiting for McGonagall and Moody to return Remus’s wand to him and do whatever else they wanted before they actually released him from Order custody like the bloody criminal that the werewolf absolutely wasn’t. Like it was his fault, their fault, that Peter had gone and ended up Marked, instead of something that horrified them to no end and which they’d have prevented if they could have. Honestly, this whole situation was so fucked up that it beggared belief, at least in the possibly-myopic view from Sirius’s side of the metaphorical fence.

Remus was exhausted. It was a different type than what he was familiar. There was a restlessness that didn’t ease even when his wand was handed back. He was glad for the business transaction of it all. He wasn’t sure how he would handle an apology or a reminder of procedure and due diligence. He just wanted to home, for whatever that meant now.

“I believe Mister Black is waiting just outside.”

He perked up at that statement. It was the first solid thing anyone had told him about his friends -- were they even still friends? -- since Sunday. “Thank you.” Remus nodded, holding back the pithy comment. Now was not the time.

As soon as the office door open, Remus exhaled. He stepped out and then paused, unsure of what to do next. Or even if he was allowed. But Sirius was right there. “You okay? Bits still in the same place?”

The question startled a laugh out of Sirius, which was nice, as there had been precious little to laugh about as late.

"You can check for yourself later," he replied, though his heart wasn't really in the answer, however predictable it might have been. "C'mon. I'm guessing you want out of here as badly as I do, yeah?"

“Can’t say I’ll be leaving any good reviews, but I wouldn’t mind something proper to eat.” He ran a hand through his hair. “And a shower.” Remus dropped his arm and closed the distance between him and Sirius, nudging him just a little. “What’s the status on the flat? Or anyone else?”

As soon as Remus was within arms-length, Sirius reached for him; he’d been trying to be good, aware of how fidgety and unreceptive to touch he’d been upon his own release. But surely if he didn’t want Sirius grabbing him Moony would not have come close enough to be grabbed. He was smarter than that.

Remus leaned into Sirius. There hadn’t been enough touch the past couple of days. This was what he wanted. The issue was now letting himself have what he wanted.

The question turned his expression stormy quickly enough, though. “We’re meant to move as I may or may not be a ‘high value target’ to That Lot since Bella came to play with me. And they might come looking for Wormtail there, anyway. Moody didn’t want me going back there alone at all, but as he’s actually not the literal boss of me…”

He trailed off with an eloquent little shrug and let the other young man conclude for himself whether or not he’d gone home. Once he’d gotten Remus settled comfortably into his side for companionable walking, he started out of the castle, for once more than happy to leave it.

“The Potters’ve got an AirBnB, which is some sort of muggle house swapping scheme or something, I don’t know. But they’ve got a temporary place anyway and they’re looking for a new one. We could go bother them for the night if you want, or I reckon Andromeda might let us crash, I’d like to be keeping an eye on her anyway with...everything. And I know I never dragged Pete over there or anything.”

“This whole thing is just...horrible. Moody knows everything now. Frank and Alice probably too soon enough.” Secrets were dangerous things. Remus was apparently an equally dangerous thing. “And I just want to go home and eat my weight in Chinese food.” Remus didn’t dare ask, not yet at least, although the question was there. Waiting. There was a lot he didn’t know. Peter was one of his first friends and now, now this.

“Except we can’t really do that. Can we?” Remus sighed. “I’ll just go wherever you go. Long as you can find me enough food.”

"Well," Sirius replied with another, less pointed, shrug. "We can. But McGoogs And Co won't like it, and Death Eaters may turn up to kill us."

So probably not the best idea in the scheme of things. Whatever. If Moony wanted to chance the odds, Sirius would join him. That was the Marauder Way.

He very carefully was not, and had not been, thinking about the holes ripped into the fabric of the Marauder Way recently.

“Think you can swing the backroom at Three Broomsticks? I don’t want to contemplate death before food.” It would also give Remus a few more minutes to be able to sort through his thoughts. “Do you even still have a job? A bank account?”

Sirius snorted. “My vault is fine. Moody is way too paranoid to touch Black money without a damn good reason, are you kidding me? Who knows how it’s been cursed. And anyway, it’s not as if the goblins would let him at it without official Ministry paperwork, which he can’t get without publicly accusing me. And McGoo- McGonagall wouldn’t let him do that unless they were sure I’d done something to warrant it.” He cocked his head to one side, dog-like and with a wry little smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t think she ever really thought I had. She...ah. Saw enough, as Gryffindor Head, to know what side I’m on and why.”

He liked to believe that was it, anyway. If he’d believed for a moment that Minerva McGonagall really thought he might be a Death Eater, this would all get even more depressing and horrible than it already was.

“As for the job,” he continued with a grimace as they left the school, “ah, yeah, still got that too. Barely. Rosmerta’s not best chuffed with me. I’ve got about one more sudden absence left before she gives me the boot. I mean, I know she suspects my...extracurricular activities, so she’s pretty lenient, and I told her it was a family emergency and left it to her imagination. She knew Bellatrix had been in, Bothan told her, so…” he shrugged yet again. “I’ve got to work tonight and I can’t call off. But she’d probably let us have the room, yeah. If I’m charming enough about it.”

Easier to babble about superficial nonsense like work and money than about the rest of it, the very real problems they were going to have to deal with soon.

“Well, then best to bring me along looking like I do. Won’t be that hard to assume my health has taken a turn for the worse and you were caring for me.” It wasn’t that far from the truth. Except they were closer to the new moon than the full, but variance in schedule was a good thing. “Still the prettiest.” He added with a bump of their shoulders.

It was a short walk to the pub. Remus didn’t need to fill it with words. He was content with the presence. (His stomach might have registered a few protests.)

Once they arrived, Sirius’s charm held up. Not that there was any doubt. Sirius watched Remus order essentially the entire menu without comment, though his expression did go rather pinched at the notion of the werewolf being quite that hungry. Something else to try not to think about too hard lest he lose the plot.

“This is bad. Isn’t it? This whole Peter thing. To keep us…” Remus shook his head. He didn’t want to think too deeply about how he was treated for what he was.

That expression if anything just fell further when Moony actually started talking again. Right. The real issues. Damn it.

"It isn't sodding good," he muttered, pushing a hand through hair that was getting far too shaggy for comfort. He's had things other than self-maintenance to take up his time recently. "Don't know how trusted we're ever going to be again, really. Moody's told James and Lily to be wary of all three of us. James. Honestly. Like any one of us would ever do anything to hurt them." His tone got fiercer with every word, and by the end he was scowling outright.

“It will be worse when the rest comes out.” Remus was almost resigned to it now. The werewolf secret really wouldn’t be kept for too long. That wouldn’t exactly win or save him any relationships. At least Sirius was still here. That was something. “It’s just all so messed up…”

Remus still didn’t ask the question. Not that one yet. “Have you actually spoken to James or Lily yet? Would they want to see me?”

The look Sirius turned on Remus at that question was every bit as fierce as his tone, a guard dog on the defense. "What do you bloody mean, would they want to see you? You haven't bloody done anything,Moony, and we're still the Marauders! This isn't- nothing's changed, not anything that counts."

Remus shrugged. What was one more thing to go wrong? “Peter has a dark mark. No one has told me anything about what that means. They did want me to recount my Eastern European adventures in detail. Because apparently I am a also a security risk.” He didn’t talk a lot about those missions. And even then really only once or twice with Sirius.

"No you're not!" Sirius snapped. It took his a moment bit he caught himself, ribbed fitfully at his face, and looked away. "Sorry. I'm not angry at you. It's just. If you are, I am. And I'm not. And you're not. We're the same as we were two weeks ago, only something happened to Pete that's not even his fault, and suddenly we're all fucking Death Eaters? It's shite, is what it is."

He swallowed hard and reached for Remus's hand. "Dumbledore sent you to Europe. You did that for our side. Wasn't like you wanted to go. They can't use it against you now, for fuck's sake."

He paused in his eating. “Dumbledore’s dead and I was running around places making friends.” Remus could see the concern, given the secrecy around his actions two years ago. Although he could also argue that every action and choice since proved who he was.

Remus sighed. With his free hand, rubbed at the scars on his face. Greyback was dead. Remus helped kill him. Still, it should have been different. They shouldn’t be here.

“It’s hard when everyone expects you to be one thing, maybe it would be easier to be that thing.” Remus remembered those words, far too clearly. They found their way back into the depths of his mind and took root. “Every day we chose a different path, we chose to be good despite all else. And, I can’t help but think, what do we have for it?”

The answer was- to Sirius- obvious. It was also the sort of the he almost never said aloud, a signifier of the dreaded Feelings, something that would leave him feeling scraped raw and left exposed in a way that he couldn't imagine how anyone endured.

But. For Remus.

"Each other," he offered, softly, gaze focused on their hands where they lay clasped on the table. "We have each other for it."

And yet Remus already felt like an exposed nerve. “Well, no accounting for taste.” He pushed into Sirius, not caring that they were two grown men already sitting too close on their bench. “But I reckon we’re stuck together now. Forever and ever.” Not that Remus had any doubt before…everything, not after The Incident. Except that doubt was growing again.

Sirius scoffed openly, clutching at the chance to joke like a lifeline. "Taste? What're you talking about, I am a bloody catch. Look at me."

His smile faded just as fast, though, and he swallowed a sigh. "You know I'm going to hold you to that, yeah? About forever? Stuck with me. And with Prongs, we've got him too. We're not Death Eaters and he knows that even if no one else does. And neither is Wormy. What he is, is a huge bloody idiot for not telling us what she'd done as soon as she did it, but it's not even like he left it that long, yeah? He's just...he was dumb, we know that. It's Moody making the huge deal of it. We know better. We Marauders. And if none of the rest of that lot know us better, well, fuck 'em, I say. Fuck 'em."

Remus didn’t say anything for a moment. Rather he found a new interest in the food. He already made an impressive dent. “But what about Peter? I was...the mark, I heard it can be like a compulsion. That it signifies allegiance or ownership.” He wasn’t sure which bothered him more. And stranger yet, how he found comfort in reaching over to run his thumb over one of the scars - of marks - that Moony had given Padfoot.

"We'll figure it out," Sirius said, moving a little, pushing into Remus's finger at his collar. "He never wanted it, so they don't own him really. And we'll figure it out. We always do. We're Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. Remember?"

They'd figured out the Animagus spell. They'd figured out the Map. This was just something scarier to figured out; and not even really that much scarier. Learning that your best mate was a werewolf before you'd even chosen between Ancient Runes and Arithmancy was pretty damn scary.

“I’m not so sure.” And truly, Remus wasn’t ready to face the reality of a marked Peter. What if he did chose it? Was that better or worse? Remus had told Peter that he knew what it was like to be forced into something you didn’t choose. Remus lived a life trying to pick up the pieces and survive with your new path. “But, I think, I want your mark.” It sounded stupid and far too honest and even as the words left him. He needed something new, something he chose to help him move forward, and maybe even feel safe.

That took a moment, and then Sirius shifted enough to peer at Remus with a slight smirk and an arched brow. "My mark? Remus, you know how dogs mark their territory, right?"

He held the pose for a breath longer and then laughed, half-sheepish and shaking his head. "Merlin. Sorry, sorry. I can...yeah. Whatever you like."

“I’m a person. Not a place. Dogs don’t piss on other dogs.” Remus punched him with no real effort or intent. Leave it to Sirius to flip things sideways. Not that Remus expected different. “But if it’s stupid, then we don’t have to. I just... I’d like something permanent to reflect what I’ve chosen, who I’ve chosen. Because Moony has clearly left plenty of reminders on you.”

Now it was Sirius's turn to touch the scar Remus had been fingering a moment ago. "No, I know what you mean. It's not stupid. I get it. It's...well, I don't know that I can scar you, is all."

“You mean other than me?” He chortled. Remus was covered in scars, most of them his own making, but a few from Greyback. Maybe this was about more than Sirius too. “There has to be something. Can’t say we’ve ever backed down from a challenge before.”

"We'll figure it out," Sirius promised again. This, at least, was more doable than the other thing. "Blood oath again, sort of thing, only this time I'm actually doing it? Worth a shot."

He gestured at the remaining food. "Go on, finish eating it so we can go bother James and Lily for a bit before my shift, see if their AirBnB sofa pulls out."