This was not his dream. Remus wished for a big house for them all to live, but not like this. The flat was a no mans land rather than a home. He still didn’t know what came next. Peter’s actions were a betrayal. Somehow worse than the Snape Incident.

While indecision might be a lengthy visitor, Remus knew he couldn’t put it off. Monday was fast approaching and he needed a plan. Really, he needed more information because he didn’t think it wise to withhold information from the Order for too long. However, he did need to wait for that pursuit until after Sirius went to work.

“I want to see it again.” The words escaped him before he could think better, while crossing paths with Peter en route to make lunch.

While Peter knew that this was better than still being at the mercy of the Death Eaters, he was beginning to think that his friend hadn’t just asked him to stay there to keep him ‘safe’ so much as keep an eye on him. And giving that information to Remus hadn’t made the tension between them any better - for obvious enough reasons. And Peter was pretty certain that Sirius was avoiding him so that he didn’t strangle Peter to death.

Maybe he should have thought this plan through a little better. Regardless, he gave a small sigh and sat at the table with his inner arm facing up for Remus to dissect even further. “When are you going to turn me in?” he asked quietly, the holding cell he’d been stuck in back in August clear in his mind again.

“I don’t know yet.” It was an honest snapback. Remus wasn’t feeling particularly kind just then, always more difficult when hungry.

“Why’d you even make me come if you don’t want me here?” He knew he deserved this (far more than he’d confessed to them), but it still stung to see Remus look at him like he wasn’t worthy of looking at to begin with.

Remus shut the cabinet, setting down a box of noodles, to reach over and poke at Peter's arm. The brand was an interesting piece of magic. “Tell me again how she did it.”

The mark on his arm was dorment most of the time unless someone purposely pulled it to the surface (as Bella had) or the Dark Lord called them. Either way had never been particularly pleasant. Peter pulled out his wand and pressed it against his forearm with gritted teeth, the spell he cast against his skin painful but effective in calling it forward. The snake worked its way in and out of the skull in lazy circles.

“I don’t know what the spell was that she cast. And I was almost unconscious when she did it. All I know is that when she put her wand on my arm it felt like it had been set on fire and a few moments later that was there.”

Remus set the movement of the nearly dancing mark to memory. He would have to report this back later. It would have been nice to remain clinical and detached, he was far too wrapped up in this. It was all still too raw.

“Peter, why didn’t you tell us?” There was that bite there. More than his words would otherwise carry this time of month. “I still don’t understand. Help me understand. Especially why after she came around to the pub.”

Peter curled back into himself like a wounded animal, despite knowing he deserved his friend’s animosity. The mark on his arm dissipated near instantly. He shoved away from the table and started to pace around the room. “Why the fuck do you think, Remus?” he replied finally with the same distaste. “Because of this. You. Sirius. The way you look and talk to me now. Avoid me. You think that I wanted this to happen? Do you think I enjoy being tortured and used to give away the secrets I’ve kept for more than half my life?”

He knew there wasn’t a reality in which his explanation mattered; that he deserved this and should accept it like he had all those months ago when it actually did happen. “When she came to the pub it just hit me harder. I dunno how to explain it. Like maybe I could’ve found the right time or the right way to explain it but she’d taken it away from me.” He tugged fiercely at his curls and let himself fall unceremoniously onto the sofa. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Just turn me over already. This is stupid. I’m sure it’s great and all to prolong my agony, but I’d think you’d rather be rid of me more.”

Remus clenched his jaw. Breathe. So he rubbed his face, pressing against his temples. Breathe. And this time he listened, exhaling as he ran his hands through his hair. “You think I don’t know my failings here? I’ll own those. But you own your shite too.

“I have stood by you, best I could, because you are pack. I know I throw that word around a lot, and I thought that maybe you got it, but maybe you don’t. You are my family. I love you, but you betrayed me.” His stomach twisted, uneasy with how the words were unfolding. “And just … I thought our bond, our relationship, was beyond this. You don’t even… you know what? It’s not even about me. I’m damned no matter what. It’s about all the other people that are in danger now, and you couldn’t even let us know? Warn us or tell us things weren’t okay? I can’t help but wonder if you even care about anyone else, and this whole thing just makes me sick.”

“I betrayed you? I betrayed you? I was fucking kidnapped, tortured for three fucking weeks for no goddamn reason and if that wasn’t enough, she fucking came after me again. And that’s a betrayal to you? That I told her you were a werewolf while being fucking mutilated? So I should have just died instead, is that it?” Some of it was a lie, but some of it was true and it hurt to know that his friends would have rathered he died. Maybe he should have. Borrowed time and all that.

A sound started and died in Remus’s throat before being fully actualized.

“Yeah, I know that I fucked up by not telling you guys sooner. I own that shite and I never claimed otherwise. I was a coward - I am a coward. I’m fucking scared shitless of being caught up by another goddamn Death Eater who wants nothing more than to treat me like fodder. My life has been a bloody wheel of misery ever since August, but fuck me, right?” Peter tossed his hands in the air helplessly and wished desperately that Sirius were here to just finish him off already. He didn’t want to deal with this anymore. He thought he’d come to terms with how this would shake out, but obviously he was not equipped to handle it.

And rather spectacularly, Remus sunk to the floor in the kitchen, the attempt for food now forgotten. He buried his face in his hands. It was not unlike what happened when he was on the phone just the other day. Although at least this time he spared the kitchen table.

“Peter.” Remus said the name in an exhale, voice scratchy as he continued. “I wanted you to talk to me. I still want you to talk to me. I haven’t turned you over to McGonagall, Moody, or the Prewetts because I’m not sure that’s best for you. Because I do, in spite of everything, care what is best for you.”

Peter didn’t want to see Remus like this. He didn’t know what to do though; what Remus wanted him to say. “I know you want me to talk to you, but I never wanted to talk about it. I want to forget it ever happened and fucking move on, not that I’ve done a great job of it so far.” He stooped down in front of Remus. “It may not be what’s best for me but it’s probably what’s best for you lot. For the Order.”

He wasn’t sure if Remus wanted to be touched, but Peter didn’t know what else to do or say so he placed a hand on his friend’s arm. “What do you want me to do? I love you but I fucked you and the others over so I’ll do what you want me to do.”

Remus startled at the touch, but didn’t move away. “I don’t want to lose you. But I worry maybe that’s already happened.” That was the real issue. It felt like it was too late. And all but demanding Peter stay with them was maybe just a desperate attempt to not let it slip away. “I think that we need to go to McGonagall. I also think that the Prewetts might be able to help.” Even Remus could imagine the potential into learning more about the dark mark.

Peter didn’t want to lose them either. As evident by the fact that he’d done all this in the first place. But he didn’t want to dig further into that hole than he already had. He nodded. “Okay, then we’ll do that.” He wasn’t keen on the Prewetts studying him and figuring him out, but if he backed out now it’d look more suspicious. And if it helped the Order somehow get a leg up, they could definitely use it.

“And hey, you know that me, more than most, know what it’s like to have agency taken away from you. To be forced into something you wouldn’t choose.” Remus swallowed. These weren’t things he often spoke about. “You help me live with that.” It wasn’t the same. Not even close. As Remus said before, this wasn’t a competition. “We might actually be able to save you.”

When Remus kept speaking, Peter sat down next to him and wrapped his arms around his friend. He wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to call Remus that, so he wasn’t going to let go of it until Remus made him. “I think… all that I really hope is that someday you can forgive me. I know that Sirius never will, but I wish that…” He didn’t know what he wished for, besides maybe to be less of a coward. “If it helps somehow, then maybe we can save someone who isn’t beyond redemption.” That wasn’t Peter.

“Let’s just take this moment by moment.” Remus leaned into that touch, grateful just to be present. Right now. It was all he could guarantee that he had.