Who: Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew What: A confrontation of sorts. No, not about that. Where: Chip shop outside the Ministry When: 17 June, Monday evening Warnings: Language and Too Many Feelings
It had not escaped Sirius's noticed that Peter had been avoiding him for a while now. He wasn't exactly sure when it had started- the two of them had never been the closest of pairs, and while Sirius loved Peter like a brother he'd rarely spared time for one-on-ones with the other boy like he's always done with Remus and James- but he was sure that it was getting more pronounced as time went on. He couldn't actually remember when the last time Wormtail had met his eye was, to be honest.
All of which meant that he'd probably Done Something. Peter had always been twitchy, and Sirius was aware that he himself was often the emotional equivalent of a bull in a China shop. He couldn't remember Doing Anything- there's been snapping at Peter when the paper had accused him of murdering his brother, but he'd long since apologized for that- but that didn't mean he hadn't. Not by a long shot.
So the only thing to do was ask. He might have been one for avoiding Feelings, but not confrontation. And that's why he was hanging around at the Ministry now when he knew that Peter's shift was ending. Neutral territory, so to speak.
By the time that Peter noticed Sirius as he was leaving at the end of his shift, it was far too late to try and avoid him. Unfortunate as that might be, it was possible that something was wrong in which case he shouldn’t be thinking of dodging him anyhow.
He shoved his hands into his pockets and slowly walked up to his friend. “Something happen?” Might as well get the bad news first. Considering the Bellatrix nuisance, he wouldn’t be surprised of more trouble from her.
"Dunno," Sirius replied, nodding toward the exit and falling into step beside Peter. "That's sort of what I'm here to find out. C'mon, I want something fried and terrible for me and I want to eat all of it for once. I'm buying."
He led the way down the street and to a little Muggle shop that looked as if it would do nicely.
Peter didn’t say no even though he wanted to. Disagreeing with Remus was one thing - he knew that it wouldn’t blow up in his face - but trying to say ‘no’ to Sirius felt like putting his life on the line. So he just didn’t ever try. “Uh, okay.”
When they were outside Peter followed Sirius’ lead while tugging a fag from his pocket and lighting it. Somehow smoking always made him feel a little more secure, probably because it gave him something to do with his hands.
Sirius paused when they reached the shop to let Peter finish his cigarette. Maybe he ought to wait until they had food and were in something more like privacy to push. Yeah. Probably.
"You ever gonna tell me what's bugging you?"
Okay. He'd never been good at waiting.
“What are you talking about?” There could be a multitude of things bugging Peter at any given moment, so specificity was kind of important.
"Pete," Sirius said, dry, "we all know I'm kind of an idiot, but I'm not such an idiot I don't notice when my mate doesn't speak to me for a month, yeah?"
He shoved a hand through his hair and shrugged. "What'd I do?"
Peter was shaking his head even as Sirius started to call himself an idiot, his mouth falling a bit at the mention of not speaking to him. “Wha -- no, it’s not --” What it wasn’t, he had no idea. He had no excuses at the ready for this.
Peter scuffed the toe of his shoe at the ground and looked at it rather than Sirius’ face. “You didn’t do anything.”
Sirius snorted. He really did not love lying, but sure, he could see why Peter might do it. This was awkward for him, too.
"Oh, come off it, I've always done something," he said, rolling his eyes to hide any discomfort. "I can't fix it if I don't know what it was, though. Well, I could try. D'you remember that time in fourth year I pissed off Marianna Simons and ended up almost burning Greenhouse Three down?"
It was true that Sirius usually was doing something, but he didn’t plan to say that aloud. He raised an eyebrow for a moment before the memory came back to him. It was easier to focus on this random memory than to find some way to tell Sirius to somehow stop being so terrifying all the time. “Yeah. Sprout took 20 points and made you apologise for being a ‘brainless brute’ to the whole class.”
"Well, then," Sirius said with a shrug, "I'm sorry for being a brainless brute. Even if I don't know what I'm sorry for. But," he added, glancing at Peter from where he'd managed to wind up staring away from the other man in the last few minutes, "uh, I have it on...decent authority that it means more if I know what I'm apologizing for. Or whatever."
Usually he could count on Sirius to stay off the subject at hand, but he seemed rather determined to stick the landing this time around. That was the opposite of what Peter wanted at the moment. He offered a derisive snort. “Right. You mean Remus said.”
Peter glanced up at Sirius for all of two seconds and looked back at the food cart, running his fingers through his hair. “Didn’t you want food?” A lame attempt, but he was grasping at straws at this point.
That made Sirius wince, because it was a fair accusation- it felt like an accusation, anyway- even if it wasn't true. He'd have loved to take the out. He longed to take the out.
But damn it, he's tried this hard, and he did hate giving up.
"Yes. I do. But Remus didn't actually have anything to do with this, for once. Look, it'd be a lot easier if you'd just...tell me. What it is."
He didn’t manage to hold the surprise from his face when Sirius said Remus wasn’t involved. He certainly wouldn’t have expected Sirius to come to Peter on his own. They were both (actually all of them) good at avoiding these discussions.
Peter groaned. “Sirius. There’s nothing to tell, alright?” Not along the lines of what Sirius was probably thinking, anyway. “I already said, you didn’t ‘do’ anything. I’m not mad at you.” Since his friend didn’t seem to be taking the bait, Peter stepped up to the cart and ordered, thumbing over his shoulder. “He’s buying.”
Scowling, Sirius ordered his own supper and handed the cash over. It did cheer him up to use Muggle money. Yet another tiny little blow against the Blacks. But it didn't cheer him up enough to sway him from the purpose he'd decided on.
"Then why don't you want to have anything to do with me anymore? I know we've never...but honestly it's been a lot worse lately, and you know it."
His eyebrows raised at Sirius’ mention of them ‘never’. It was almost an understatement. Peter didn’t even make an attempt to respond until they were sitting at a table and he had stuffed a number of chips in his mouth to delay this further. He needed a decent angle for this, something actually believable. “You and Remus…” he waved vaguely at the middle of the table and didn’t know how to finish.
"Me and Remus?" Sirius echoed around his own mouthful, brow furrowing. There was only one logical way for that sentence to go whether Peter was saying it or not. No one else had actually commented on the subject, and so Sirius had just figured that it had all felt as inevitable to their friends as it did to them and that no one was bothered by it. Apparently not. Although-
"You're still talking to Remus, though. More'n you are to me anyway."
Best not to say that Remus was technically forcing Peter to talk to him. Peter had been trying to avoid all of them all. “It’s not -- I don’t -- fuck.” He had another cigarette in his fingers before he’d even realised what he was doing. After a couple of puffs he looked at Sirius. “It’s just… different with him. He was my friend before you and James - my only friend. Now you all have your --” More vague waving and drags on his fag. “And then there’s me.” At least it was the truth, even if it didn’t answer the question.
It's different with him. That sort of sounded like...Sirius didn't want to think about what it sounded like. What it sounded like would only make everything complicated and difficult, and so much was already those things anymore.
Fortunately Peter kept talking, giving Sirius other words to think about. Though granted, he didn't like them much better. "But- you're pack," he said, fidgeting a little with his chips. "It's not, and then there's you. It's just us. All of us. Pack." A pause and he looked over at Peter finally. "Isn't it?"
He hadn’t liked having this conversation with Remus and he didn’t like it any better with Sirius. “Yeah, pack,” he said with cynicism as he took another drag from his fag, “until it’s James and Lily together and then you and Remus together. Which leaves me.” He shrugged and shoved some chips in his face just for something to do. “May not feel like that for you but it does for me.”
"So you're just not going to talk to anyone," Sirius said dryly, "so that we can't not talk to you first. Wow, mate. That sounds like the sort of bullshit I'd pull."
While that was the truth of the matter, it wasn’t for the reasons Sirius mentioned. But getting into Other Things at this point wasn’t an option. “Alright, you want to know why I ignore you specifically, Sirius?” Peter dug deep into his Gryffindor bravery (which was a very, very deep dive) and spit out the Sirius-specific problems he tended to have - though he didn’t look him in the face while he spoke, because that required far more courage than he could muster at the moment.
“I hate being around you and feeling so fucking stupid all the time. Half of the things I say to you are met with derision, dismissal, or animosity. You’re an arse to me far more than I’ve ever seen you be with James or Remus and most of the time I’m not certain you even like me. I was the tag-along with Remus so maybe you just tolerate me. Regardless, you started a relationship with the one person I can count on to not treat me like that.”
Sirius's immediate instinct was to swell and bristle with defensive anger, snap something scathing, and for a moment he began to; but that would have proven Peter's point for him nicely, and so he caught himself and pressed his mouth tight shut. He did hate to be predictable.
The silence dragged, tense and uncomfortable, until it seemed as if Sirius wasn't going to say anything at all. Which was, of course, when he broke it.
"Has it occurred to you that I just am an arse?" He asked, and then winced visibly. "Like that. I actually thought about that one, and it sounded fine in my head, and then I said it and suddenly it sounded like an arsehole thing to say. It's not personal, Pete, I like you just fine, I just...say things. I'm an arse about myself loads of times, even. I am an arsehole to James, all the time, only he just laughs at me and he knows I'm being a prick and I know I'm being a prick and we move on, so maybe you don't realize it's happening? But it is. And Moony-" he paused, inclined his head to allow that point. "All right, maybe not to Moony. Any more. But that's only because I have to be, be good, with Moony, because I've run out of second chances there since- you know since what. And there's loads of things I don't say to him, that I think of and I'm about to say and I, I catch it. I don't know how. Because I have to. I didn't- I didn't realize. That you mind it all that much, when I'm. You know. Me."
He scrubbed a hand over his face and continued staring determinedly at a vague spot about two feet left of Peter. Merlin, this was uncomfortable. It would have felt a lot better to just stomp away. God, he just wanted to stomp away.
"I don't just bloody tolerate you. You're Wormtail, you're my pack. My, my brother, my family. D'you really think I'd call someone I just tolerate family, after- after everything? I'm just, I am a complete prick, okay? I'm working on it. Guess I'll work harder."
Peter was surprised by just how much Sirius said and that he’d manage not to blow up at Peter when it seemed obvious he wanted to. It made sense, what Sirius said, and maybe a lot of the problem here was just Peter’s insecurities. And then of course, Sirius made him feel like he was the arsehole for minding Sirius ‘being himself’. There was a lot to unpack in this conversation and he wasn’t even sure if he could address it all properly without a few days to think on it. Maybe that was for the best.
“You know that Moony forgave you and he’d probably do it again because he loves you.” He was stunned by how easy it fell from his mouth, even though it made his insides squirm uncomfortably. Mostly because he knew how true it was - for Sirius at least. For Peter - he didn’t expect to see a second chance. “You have no reason to act differently around him; you’re just making an excuse for why you actually want to be a halfway decent human being to him.” He hadn’t meant it as an accusation but it sounded like one.
He stubbed out his fag more angrily than was necessary, hands mussing his curls into a rat’s nest on his head. “I just don’t wanna lose him,” he muttered quietly to the table and he hated having said it out loud to Sirius, of all the people.
That made Sirius bristle, because it wasn't true- he didn't think it was true- and he was trying, here. Maybe part of the reason he tried with Remus was that Remus actually cared that he tried. No one else did, that was for bloody sure.
"I don't forgive me," he snapped, stung. "And I always want to be a halfway decent human being. I'm just not one. I'm working on it! I just said I'd work harder, didn't I? You're not going to- Merlin's tits, Wormy, hate me all you want but give Remus a little credit, will you? If I didn't lose him you're sure as hell not going to, you haven't even done anything. I'm not trying to take him and he wouldn't let me if I was. He loves you, too. And so do I, actually, you complete wanker, I'm just real shit at it. All right?"
Since he was trying to be more brazen, he let himself say things and hoped he wasn’t going to get throttled for it. “You not forgiving yourself mostly amounts to you just needing to get over yourself,” Peter offered frankly. “Quit mourning your humanity as though you’ve lost it when it never went anywhere. If that’s part of the reason you’re always a miserable prick then you know where to begin with your metamorphosis, yeah?”
His third fag was at his lips before he continued. “I don’t hate you. I might be a little terrified of you, but I’ve never hated you.” Despite having tried to deny that he felt that way, it was actually reassuring to hear Sirius say he wasn’t taking Remus away. He did his best to focus on that and ignore the comment about having not done anything. He rolled his eyes and tried to look put out by the current sharing of feelings, even if his lips pulled up at the edges. “Yeah, alright. I love you too, asshat.”
There was quite a lot that Sirius might have said in reply to that first bit, but he wasn't going to say it. Not here, not now, not to Peter, who was his friend, yes, and his family, but wasn't Remus or James. Hell, he didn't talk about all that with Remus and James, either. And he'd used up his share of frank honesty for today, and then some.
"Merlin. Don't be terrified of me. I'm just a mouthy prat, Pete. Promise. Now let's just...finish our fucking chips and go shock the hell out of Moony when we show up at the flat together, won't that be fun?"