14 June: Babies, bathwater, etc Who: Remus Lupin & Lily Evans What: A needed discussion about the Sirius situation and what Bellatrix knows. Where: The Evans-Potter safehouse When: Friday 14th June Warnings: Language
Within the week of the full moon, Remus was getting antsy. This was different than his normal sharpness. He felt ready to fight, ready to take a step too far. Perhaps he had let his guard down, let himself assume the war was all but won. This past week was a wake up call. It wasn’t over yet. And more than that, there was ever more on the line.
Really, the best balm for his restlessness was time with Harry and should she be so willing a chat with Lily. It was hardly any work to convince James to take the day off and let Uncle Moony provide sprog wrangling. The infant was apparently quite adept at soothing the beast. And if it gave time for Lily and James to have some alone time? Well, that was just the gift that kept on giving.
“I come with the return offering of an infant in dire need of wash before bedtime.” Remus rather intentionally handed the sprog off to James, hoping that Lily might get the silent ask.
Lily peeled away the hand covering her mirth at the state of Harry--a gleeful collage of all sorts of smears and spatters, they must have been having a wonderful time--to give her husband a warm smile and say, "I'll get the kettle on." She beckoned Remus with her into the kitchen as James carried the happily-babbling Harry upstairs towards the bathroom.
"Thank you so much for today," Lily declared over her shoulder, as she filled the kettle and settled it over a flame. "It's so nice to actually have a bit of time to be grown-ups together." She pulled a sturdy teapot and three mismatched mugs out of a cupboard, then leaned against the counter with a sigh. "Sometimes I really miss being back at school. Just being us, all of us, without..." She shook her head. "Any of the rest of it."
“My pleasure.” Remus shrugged, dutifully taking a seat at the table. “Harry is a nice break for me, and I’m always happy to give you and James adult time.” And because Remus was not really a grown up, he waggled his eyebrows with it. “I’m not sure school was better. Really. Different sets of challenges…” Although they were all in one place, safer and not scattered. “I could do without the war and the continued fall out.
“I think I might have to start with renewed effort for that house.” It was a simple fantasy and thing to wish for, but Remus didn’t want for much. “I worry about Peter. Now I’m worrying about Sirius. And you, and James, and Harry. I think the only person I don’t worry about is me.”
"That's fine, the rest of us share duty on the worrying about you part." Lily smiled, a little bit joking, but largely just friendly and fond and perhaps a little bit concerned. "Speaking of which: how are you doing? That business with Bellatrix and Sirius was--a lot." For all of them, but especially Remus.
Remus hummed in a general agreement. “I’m all right. The honest perspective here is I’m damned either way, my worry all just comes second hand.” There wasn’t much better in being a registered versus unregistered werewolf. He was a beast either way. “The more people know, the riskier it is for you and everyone else who is helping. And I know Sirius still reckons this whole thing his fault because of …” He waved his hand, “The Incident. And cue big guilt spiral.”
Lily's faint smile got a wry tweak at one corner; yes, she'd noticed the big guilt spiral. Sirius did tend to feel everything at gale force, though. "I told him, and I'll tell you, Remus: whatever comes, we can deal with it, all of us together. We can deal with anything all together. The only thing I really worry about is them finding some way to isolate one of us. Or think we're isolated." She frowned, and shook her head; no use worrying too much at what-ifs. But there was one thing she wanted to make sure of. "Promise me you won't let anyone twist or shove you into anything untoward by trying to keep us safe, all right? Not without talking about it first."
“Honestly? I think I might have done that before.” That certainly was a partial driving factor in some of his Order missions. Or at least playing on his drive to be good regardless of what it did to him. “But now? I don’t know.” Remus sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I think I’m too selfish. I feel like I actually have something I want, and while I do want more than I’m probably allowed to have… I think it’s more a risk I’ll do something not so smart to keep him, keep us all - including myself - safe, and together.” Pack was a powerful driving force.
"And do the rest of us out of our chance to be stupid as well?" Lily asked, light but not quite teasing. They were a bunch well matched in their ability to outrageously do, and she loved them all in varying ways; possibly Remus longest, if not best. "We all do our best," she said. "And we all have our moments."
The kettle started to sing, and she pulled it off the heat, setting to filling with pot with absent-minded efficiency. As she measured in tea leaves, her smile quirked, fond and a little amused, and she darted a glance over at Remus. "So you two are..." and she trailed off, unsure what tail to pin on that particular donkey.
“Codependent cock ups who only realized they were in-love-in-love with each other a few months ago?” If she wasn’t going to say, Remus certainly would. “Yeah. I think that about sums it up.” He shrugged. “Haven’t much of a clue what I’m doing most days, but I love him differently than I love Peter or James, or you, and Harry. I think I always have, and now it’s known. And it’s good.”
"Good," Lily echoed, with great satisfaction and a wide smile. Everything else she might have said when one of her friends launched upon a new relationship seemed entirely ridiculous in this scenario--which of them would she even scold about being good to the other? What place did admonitions to be kind and thoughtful with each other have when she didn't know any people who were rougher and softer and more with each other than this lot? So she just shrugged and said, entirely pleased, "I'm so glad. You both deserve a little fun and happiness." Her smile kinked a little toward wicked. "Or a lot."
Remus scrunched up his face. “I think I am at a point where I am allowed to get what I want. Even just for a little.” Not that it was easy to quiet that voice that told him he didn’t deserve what he did have. Or all those doubts about if he was good enough. “Especially if those are things I can actually have.”
"What you want seems pretty happy to be got," Lily said lightly, popping a cozy over the teapot and crossing to the pantry to pull out the biscuit jar. She looked at the jar--a jumble of the shortbread that James liked and the coconut roughs that Lily could eat a dozen of in a sitting if someone didn't intervene--and looked at Remus with the slightly blank look of someone calculating moon phases. And then she hauled open the refrigerator and considered the contents. "Cheese or fruit or custard or--oh, there's half a pork pie, that should definitely be eaten."
“The pork pie sounds nice, but I’m happy to clean out whatever needs to go.” Remus was seldom one to turn down food. He never could get enough. It was a marvel he hadn’t yet eaten through Sirius’s bank vault. It was probably only a matter of time. “But yeah, it’s good. I think he’s waiting for the other shoe to drop with Bellatrix and all.”
"Always another shoe there," Lily commented, pulling things out of the fridge and piling them up on the counter--the mentioned pork pie, and the cheeses, and a bottle of milk for the tea. She sighed. "I want to believe she's just rattling bars because she doesn't have anything better to do now that--" A hand wave covered the whole status of the war. "But I don't know that that helps. I don't like the idea of what she or any of them might feel free to do if they think there's nothing left to be lost." She worried her bottom lip in her teeth for a moment, frown deepening, and added, "How does she know?"
This was definitely a conversation that was better met with food. “Sirius still thinks it was Snape. I’m still not so sure.” Remus helped himself to a plate. He had considered not using a plate at all, but for Lily he would pretend to have manners. “It could have been Greyback. Or...” He motioned, choosing that exact moment to shove his mouth with a large bite of pork pie.
"Greyback for you, certainly," Lily agreed. She absent-mindedly fished a paper napkin out of a drawer and tucked it under the edge of Remus's plate; she didn't particularly care about mess, but this sort of preparedness was starting to become a maternal habit. "He wouldn't have known about Padfoot, would he?" Lily still wasn't entirely convinced that Bellatrix knew, not for definite and true, but she didn't want to dismiss it either. She shook her head. "I don't think it was Severus either. He could have told them any time, if he could and was going to. And I sincerely doubt he'd forgotten about it."
But there was a faint uncertainty to her voice, as she was thinking around other recent events. Had she said something, talking to Severus at the Fete, that might have prompted a revelation in some sort of spite? She wanted to think no, that the Severus she knew would never do something quite so petty. But perhaps it had been a long time since she really knew Severus Snape.
“Right.” Remus spoke before he swallowed. He still wasn’t quite the civilized man he might have wished. “It seemed like he wanted to help, I guess. And I don’t think he’s ever really been after me. Sirius. James. Sure, but I was more collateral.” Dangerous and potentially deadly at the wrong time of month, sure. But Remus worked hard to not be a monster. “Which makes me wonder who else would know everything and tell.”
Lily shook her head; she couldn't think of anyone either. Sure, sometimes the lads could be a bit blithe and merry, more fond of making inside jokes and careless references than might be entirely wise. But it was a long reach from the animal jokes to the whole and staggering truth. Then again... "Maybe she doesn't know for sure. Maybe she's just fishing." And maybe she wasn't. Lily sighed, and crossed her arms over her chest, not liking what she was about to suggest, but feeling that it should probably be suggested. "It might be time to consider telling... well, not the entire Order, but key people. If there's a chance it's going to come out, especially as a weapon, they deserve to hear it from us. Well. From you all. Them." Lily wasn't sure what pronouns to put on it. It wasn't her secret, not precisely, no matter how close she felt to it.
It wasn’t quite choking, but it really wasn’t swallowing either. Maybe Remus needed to pause the eating for a moment. Especially if they were going to walk around the outlines of this conversation. “That’s not my decision to make. Well, other than how sharing their abilities, opens the door to me.” Remus scrubbed his face. “And that’s not something that… fuck.”
"I know." And Lily did. The tail of this sort of conversation had been chased around many times before. She took a step closer and laid a reassuring hand on Remus's shoulder. "I am not suggesting this lightly. And obviously it's a decision for you four to consider. And maybe we just talk to McGonagall about these recent developments, see what she thinks." They didn't have to carry this by themselves, after all. "But it would be unfortunate if our friends heard it from our enemies first."
Remus made a grunting acknowledgement and sort of nuzzled his face into her hand at his shoulder. Kitchens were great for food. Not great for piles. “Yeah. Okay. Updating McGonagall is a reasonable first step.” And as far as Remus saw it, his friends, the family really, already knew. “Urgh. This means I might have to go out to Wales.” And somehow adding his father to the mix was the worst right now.
Lily leaned against Remus's side, a little more contact and, hopefully, comfort. She tilted her cheek against the top of his head with a sigh. "If only there was some way we could be sure how--" And she trailed off as a thought occurred to her, blinking unfocused at the far wall as she turned it over in her mind, examining it from all angles. It couldn't hurt anything, could it? She straightened up, and tried saying it out loud, "We're quite sure it's not come from Severus. But perhaps he might know where it did come from. And perhaps he might tell me."
“Right, how’s that going to go? Now, Severus we’re not saying you’re definitely death eater scum but is there any chance you might have told a few secrets that weren’t yours to tell?” Remus shook his head. “Although, it’s you, so you’ll probably have more tact. It couldn’t hurt. Might get some more answers.”
Even contemplating what would be a thoroughly uncomfortable conversation, Lily managed a faint smile of amusement at that. "I was planning to be a little more gentle, yes. And with things the way they are, You-Know-Who fallen and all--" She gave a helpless little shrug. "I'm not walking in blind. And I'll let you know when. Make sure others know where I am as well." She paused, then added, with more amusement in her voice. "Not James until afterwards, I think."
“I wasn’t planning to tell anyone at all.” Not yet. Severus Snape was far too tricky a subject to broach. More so with everything else ongoing. “And even then maybe only you. Eventually.” Remus sighed, content for a moment to just be present, to lean into Lily. “I’m not going to be braiding his hair anytime soon, but I don’t think he’s an evil person.” Misguided, sure. But that could have easily been Remus. “And he might actually be helpful with this, but also the other thing.”
Lily wrapped an arm around Remus and gave him a squeeze--comfort and general contact, but also gratitude for his perspective, now and always. "I hope so. Especially the other thing." She sighed. "Especially this." Another squeeze, and then she let go. "Eat up. I need to go give this child supper and put him to bed. Remind James to bring me up my tea, yeah?"
“I think I can handle that assigned tasks at hand. Go be super mum.”