InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Yes. I will marry you."

Frank had been infinitely patient with Alice while she spent her time deciding what she wanted to do about the pregnancy. It seemed like Alice had always known what she wanted to do with her life and when, but this had been a roadbump she hadn’t been able to figure out easily. She hadn’t even made contingency plans for such circumstances, which was ill thought out on her part.

But that was then and this was now. All she could do was move forward. “So we should talk,” she supplied bluntly as they sat down on the sofa after dinner. There was no real reason to beat around the bush in this matter. She did hold her tea up to her mouth and blow on it by way of small distraction.

Frank had been expecting the (capital-C) Conversation to happen sooner or later- and he was admittedly relieved that it seemed to be sooner. He hadn't taken tea, which was also probably for the best, all things considered. Turning slightly on the sofa to face Alice, he gave a simple nod. "We should."

It was harder to get out than she had expected. Being unprepared for this seemed to have really thrown her for a loop. “This is… this wasn’t what I had planned - either of us had planned, really - but I don’t think…” Alice sighed and set down her tea mug and turned to face Frank more. “I love you, Frank, and I can’t really see us letting go of this just because it wasn’t how we expected it to happen.” She reached over and took his hands in her own. “You are right; we are Aurors and are certainly well equipped enough to be able to handle this, regardless of how scary it is.”

For all the time he'd waited, for as well as he knew Alice, Frank still hadn't been certain what Alice's answer was going to be, when it came right down to it. Still, a small smile tugged at his lips when she finally gave it. He squeezed her fingers, gently, and nodded again. "I like this decision," Frank offered, carefully. "I think it'll be a good thing, in the end, Alice. I really do."

Alice wasn’t terribly surprised by the way Frank reacted. Despite his leaving the decision to Alice, she had suspected that Frank was leaning toward one decision over the other (even though she knew he really would have supported her on either). She smiled back at him. “I know. You will be an amazing father, Frank, and I want to see that.” He was, after all, perfect father material. Perfect husband material. He was pretty perfect all around - at least Alice thought so.

“I’m just… what’s your mum going to think of me?” The woman was formidable and Alice was almost certain that Augusta didn’t think she was worthy of her son. And maybe she was right.

Frank opened his mouth to reply, thought better of it, and snapped his jaw shut again. Instead, he tugged Alice a bit closer, shifting them both so he could hold her in more of a cuddling position.

"Mum's a tough one to crack, I know that. There are definitely times that I still have trouble with her, so no one'd think you've got to have her all figured out. I think she'll be glad to have a grandkid, regardless, though. She just may be… more glad if we were married before the kid got here. Not," he added, quickly, "that I think we should set a wedding date just to appease my mother."

“Not just your mother though,” Alice thought aloud, easily leaning into Frank as he pulled her closer. “Everyone is going to talk and have their opinions on the matter. I know we don’t subscribe to all that, but I also don’t know that it’s a good idea to poke the dragon, as it were.” It was going to be trouble enough continuing her job at full capacity once she was showing. As soon as they were unable to deflect the suspicion any longer, her mother would also be hounding her about being married and quitting.

"Al…" Frank sighed, pressing a kiss to Alice's hair. "You know I want to marry you. I have, for a long time now. And I'm sure we'll both get there, one day. But I don't want it to be something you choose just to make other people feel better about how we're living. Marriage is for us to choose, not them. It's not like I'm going anywhere, ring or not."

Alice turned slightly to examine his face. “So are you saying that you aren’t ready to get married now?” The rather unfortunate matter of the situation was that she kind of hoped that he wasn’t. Because even though she was talking about it, she wasn’t sure she was ready, even with a baby. “You can’t deny that they will make our lives miserable about it. I’m not sure that’s the best way to start raising a child -- the two of us being hounded by whoever about our marital status.”

"I've been ready to marry you for two years, Alice." They both knew- though he didn't say aloud- that she was the one dragging her feet through all of this. "We're not going to be raising a baby out for the whole world to see. Our pictures aren't going to be on the front page of the Prophet under some headline about parenting out of wedlock." He shook his head. "People can only make our lives miserable if we let them, Alice," Frank insisted. "You just said it yourself- we don’t subscribe to all that. We never have, so why are we starting now? Because of the baby? That's a shite excuse and you know it. You're going to be a mum and I'm going to be a dad, and that's all that baby's going to know for years."

“You’re upset with me,” she said simply. “Or frustrated. Because I haven’t made any advances toward us getting married.” He had every right to be, even if he was unendingly patient. Alice had made no attempts at explaining herself either. It’d just been a sort of dead topic between them and she hated it, but she wasn’t sure she had the courage to tell him her real fear. She wasn’t a Gryffindor, that was certain. “I know; you’re right. It’s not a good excuse.”

He didn't deny her accusation, but Frank didn't confirm it aloud, either. "I'm just not sure what's in your head, Alice," he offered, instead. "But I do know that I'm not going to marry you if the only reason you've finally decided you want it is to placate other people."

Frank not denying her claim was answer enough about how he felt, even if he was trying to be congenial about it. She’d not actually told anyone as to why she was putting off their marriage. Really she hadn’t had a clear idea about the why until recently and she felt like a coward for feeling that way at all. “You know that I love you, right? It’s not to do with that.”

Though her sudden reassurance seemed almost out of place with the rest of the conversation- that hadn't been in doubt before, but her saying it brought that feeling to the forefront, even just temporarily. "Yes, Alice, I know."

“I don’t want you to resent me,” she said quietly, looking at her hands. She would deserve it after all of this. After not being honest about it in the first place and using lame excuses like the war to cover her own insecurities.

"I'm only going to be resentful if you're not telling me the truth, Alice. I… don't think that's so much to ask." After everything else they had been through- and, now, everything that lay ahead of them- lacking a foundation of truth would ruin them.

Even though this was Frank and she knew that he wouldn’t judge her for her fears, she still felt uneasy saying it aloud. But if anyone deserved the truth, it was her fiance. The man who had stuck by her even when she was cold to him. “I don’t want to become my mum,” she confessed finally, though didn’t quite elaborate on it.

He could tell by her tone and her mannerisms that this- whatever it was that she needed to say- was something that wore on her. But even as the words (finally) came, Frank… didn't really understand them. "I'm… not sure what you mean, Alice."

“The perfect Pureblood wife who marries a Pureblood and keeps her mouth shut about politics and has a respectable job but once she gets pregnant she has to quit her job and become a sodding housewife because that’s what’s expected!” Alice sounded a little frantic as she spoke. “And eventually turns into a sodding house ornament with no thoughts or opinions except what her husband has to say about it!”

Frank was quiet for several long moments after this, admittedly still unsure how to take this all in. It was clear that this was something that was truly bothering her, but Frank just couldn't seem to figure out why.

"Is that really the kind of husband you think I'd be, Alice?" he asked, finally. His voice was quiet, almost… dejected, in a way.

“No, of course not! I’m talking about me! I’m already halfway there. I got the job and I keep my mouth shut because I can’t be seen as leaning one way or another even though it’s bloody awful listening to that tripe! And regardless of my feelings on the matter, I honestly don’t want people looking at me like I’m some harlot for getting pregnant without being married because it’s hard enough being taken seriously as a woman Auror by half of those backwards arses!”

She didn’t generally get worked up like this, but something about finally releasing all this tension made her feel angry and helpless. “I don’t want my son to be subjected to ridicule because of whatever choices I made and I certainly don’t want him to grow up thinking I’m a coward or a sodding set piece in the house which is really all I can see when I look at my mother and it infuriates me!”

Well, at least now he knew how she felt. Though, somehow, that didn't seem to actually help anything. Frank extracted himself from Alice- he didn't leave the sofa, but this no longer felt like an appropriate occasion for snuggling.

"We could get married next week and people are still going to be able to do math, Alice. But, sure. We'll go and sign the paperwork to make them all happy and that'll solve everything else. We all sorted here?"

Alice could see by the way Frank moved away that he was not happy about this conversation, though she wasn't sure how to make things better at this point. “Frank, no… please.” She reached her hands out to his knees, now worried he was going to bail. “I'm bloody scared. I don't know the answers here and I don't know how to deal with it. I just want everything to be good for us - for the baby. I don't want to be a horrible mother and I'm not sure I know how to be anything else.”

He didn't pull away from her touch, but Frank didn't reach back out for her, either. "I don't think jumping to conclusions like quitting your job and turning into a house plant that only moves or speaks when I say to are helpful or really legitimate, either, Alice. Obviously neither one of us knows how to be parents, but that doesn't mean we can't figure it out together. That's the whole point of us being together, isn't it? So we don't have to do the scary things on our own."

Frank leaned back against the sofa, running his fingers through his hair. "We've been aurors for years, Alice. I fell in love with your take-no-bullshit attitude. Suddenly being concerned what everyone else thinks about us- about the family we're going to make, married or not- is absolute rubbish. A piece of paper isn't going to magically grant you respect from someone who wouldn't have given it otherwise."

It felt a little like a slap in the face, though maybe she had needed it. She and Frank were fundamentally different than what her parents had tried to raise her to be. Why did she think that being wed (or being an unwed mother) was going to change her real nature? She'd had this irrational fear for so long she didn't know how to let it go.

Alice pulled her hands away and looked down at her lap. “I never planned to even get married. I always thought that I'd be alone because of - well because of how I am. And my 'no-bullshit’ attitude was just me steeling myself for the inevitable. And then I met you. And you were ridiculous and charming and I fell in love with you and all of my plans were inert.”

“Frank, I don't know how to handle this. I have no plans or strategies or any known ways for how to be a good wife who still is a real person or how to be a good mother who doesn't teach her children the rubbish I grew up with. I don't want to ruin a child. Or our relationship.” It was hard for Alice to admit when she didn't know what to do. She always knew what to do. This was so far out of her wheelhouse that it felt like an entirely different planet. “I know I'm being stupid, I know that. I just… I need your help. You're so much better at-at life, at dealing with complications. I feel like I'm actually losing my mind.”

"Knowing what you don't want to do- or be- is a pretty good place to start, don't you think?" Frank asked. It might have sounded like a facetious question, but he hadn't meant it as one. "You've got to just… let this shit go, Alice. You know who you are, you know who I am, you know who we are. And you and I and we are not the sort of people who let those things come to pass, no matter the current lack of plan or strategy. We're just not."

Alice made sure to take a few deep breaths and calm her racing heart. She listened intently to Frank’s words and made sure that they actually sunk in. When she felt better she nodded to her fiance. “Okay. Okay, we’ll work together and figure out how this baby thing works. And when we have a good plan and we feel like we’re ready, we’ll set a date. Even if it’s after the baby is born.” She placed her hand on his knee. “I’m sorry for freaking out.”

"Working together was always going to be the plan," Frank agreed with a wry little smile. That was how they'd gotten this far, anyway, and he rather thought they made a good team. (Most of the time. The times that mattered, anyway.)

"We'll both have our freak outs, through all of this, I'm sure. We can just cross the first one off the list."

“I know, I just… was lost and couldn’t see where things were going to be in our favour. And it scared me.” On top of just the fact they were having a baby. Which was another situation completely.

Alice groaned a little. “Great. Happy to know that it was me to start us off on that. You’re not - are you still upset?”

"It had to be one of us," he offered, shrugging a shoulder. "I owe you one, Travers."

"I'll be fine," Frank added, after a moment more. "It's a lot to think about, on all sides. But I think we're going to be just fine, in the end."

Alice offered him a roll of her eyes in response to that. “You’re welcome,” she replied dryly.

That was about all she could ask for, really. And she was glad that Frank was also a little overwhelmed about it like she was, even if not as grand of a scale. “You’re right. We are Frank and Alice, after all. We can weather any storm.” That was true, too. They were better together than separate.