svelosynco (svelosynco) wrote in thegrand_ic, @ 2012-04-30 08:55:00 |
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Entry tags: | casper jameson knight, taj habib bahar |
Who Casper and Taj
Type AIM
What Geez, a lot? Stuff about Andy, K, Dally, Finland Plans, what it means to really exist, broken showers.
Warnings language
Status Complete
(11:33:20 PM) tajmuhull: Casper O' My Casper
(11:33:53 PM) casperhowls: Hi
(11:39:53 PM) tajmuhull: How ya doing
(11:41:30 PM) tajmuhull: About this road trip
(11:41:35 PM) tajmuhull: and where to go next
(11:44:41 PM) casperhowls: yeah? Where do you want to go?
(11:46:10 PM) tajmuhull: I was thinking about snow
(11:46:25 PM) tajmuhull: Let's go to the snow
(11:46:32 PM) tajmuhull: Let's go. To
(11:46:36 PM) tajmuhull: well...
(11:46:39 PM) tajmuhull: Finland?
(11:53:36 PM) casperhowls: For how long?
(11:54:56 PM) tajmuhull: I don't know? I mean you said you're like wanted there? I don't want you to get caught. I don't really know the details of how wanted you are. I mean I know what happened but not like, their efforts to find you. But, I don't have a passport. Soooooo, I think I figured out to go anyway
(11:55:10 PM) tajmuhull: I just know you seem to miss it
(11:55:19 PM) tajmuhull: And I want to take you home
(11:55:31 PM) tajmuhull: even if it's just for a little while?
(11:55:39 PM) tajmuhull: I thought you might like it?
(11:56:18 PM) casperhowls: will you be in trouble?
(11:56:33 PM) tajmuhull: I have a plan
(11:57:29 PM) casperhowls: what plan?
(11:58:10 PM) tajmuhull: I know I'm being tracked by this cell phone. they have gps. that's sort of how I know they aren't going to haul me in when I get back. Or they'd be coming to snag me up right from wherever we are. But, they're just watching I think. But I'm not sure leaving the country would be tolerated. I'm not sure.
(11:58:29 PM) tajmuhull: So, I thought I could just leave the phone here. in a hotel.
(11:58:55 PM) tajmuhull: I'm not sure how long the phone being still would take for them to finally catch on
(11:59:06 PM) tajmuhull: but then they'd still think I was here
(11:59:30 PM) tajmuhull: Then I'd have to fly us
(11:59:32 PM) tajmuhull: heh
(11:59:37 PM) tajmuhull: I could carry yu
(11:59:38 PM) tajmuhull: you
(11:59:47 PM) tajmuhull: no planes needed
(11:59:56 PM) tajmuhull: They'd never know. right?
(4/30/2012 12:01:16 AM) casperhowls: What if the do find out?
(12:01:19 AM) casperhowls: *they
(12:02:27 AM) tajmuhull: idk. I'll have a lot of squirming to do when I get back? Talk my way out of trouble? I don't care. I think seeing you in your snow is worth the gamble
(12:02:40 AM) tajmuhull: I'm willing to toss the dice on that one
(12:03:09 AM) tajmuhull: I just wanted to find something special.
(12:03:17 AM) tajmuhull: and that just kept coming to mind
(12:03:30 AM) tajmuhull: Northern Lights?
(12:03:40 AM) tajmuhull: or something
(12:03:54 AM) tajmuhull: start marking my must sees off the list together
(12:04:05 AM) tajmuhull: and give you something I know you miss
(12:04:08 AM) tajmuhull: I can tell
(12:04:12 AM) casperhowls: will your brothers be mad at me if I take you away?
(12:04:32 AM) tajmuhull: um. Dally just wants me safe. He's worried.
(12:04:49 AM) tajmuhull: I think he just needs to meet you
(12:05:14 AM) tajmuhull: He's concerned about the danger you put us all in
(12:05:16 AM) tajmuhull: heh
(12:05:21 AM) casperhowls: oh
(12:06:20 AM) tajmuhull: Im not really sure he thinks you're the best for me. I kinda feel like everyone is just humoring me
(12:06:27 AM) tajmuhull: they wont say anything bad
(12:06:32 AM) tajmuhull: not real bad
(12:06:40 AM) tajmuhull: because they want me happy
(12:06:45 AM) tajmuhull: but I can tell
(12:06:50 AM) tajmuhull: I can always tell
(12:07:00 AM) tajmuhull: more than they know
(12:07:16 AM) tajmuhull: I don't know why they forget my gifts sometimes
(12:07:32 AM) tajmuhull: or maybe it's just easier to ignore them so we can all be normal
(12:07:48 AM) tajmuhull: I try not to say anything when I feel it
(12:08:01 AM) tajmuhull: I dont want them to feel bad for holding back either
(12:08:34 AM) tajmuhull: They're just acting or speaking from a place of love I guess. caring. but it's hard when I just...
(12:08:36 AM) tajmuhull: know
(12:08:55 AM) tajmuhull: It's something know one can really understand I guess
(12:09:31 AM) tajmuhull: I dont really want to be humored
(12:09:44 AM) tajmuhull: I'd rather hear something bad even if it hurts
(12:09:52 AM) tajmuhull: at least it'd be real
(12:10:19 AM) casperhowls: well they havn't tried to chase me away yet. you said sometimes they did that
(12:12:01 AM) tajmuhull: yeah. that's true. it's happened. They also haven't gone to talk to you at all.
(12:12:27 AM) tajmuhull: It's like... they're separating themselves from this.. from us
(12:12:31 AM) tajmuhull: idk.
(12:12:40 AM) tajmuhull: they're acting different this time
(12:13:10 AM) tajmuhull: usually they have fun with picking on and playing with whoever they know I'm dating
(12:13:22 AM) tajmuhull: have any of them tried to contact you?
(12:13:30 AM) casperhowls: no i don't think so
(12:13:35 AM) tajmuhull: thought not
(12:14:19 AM) casperhowls: should i contact them?
(12:16:35 AM) tajmuhull: that's up to you Casper
(12:17:07 AM) tajmuhull: I'll force eyeliner and glitter but not decisions like that
(12:17:11 AM) tajmuhull: haha
(12:21:37 AM) casperhowls: i can see glitter everywhere
(12:21:45 AM) casperhowls: it won't go away
(12:21:55 AM) tajmuhull: well it's hot
(12:22:23 AM) tajmuhull: as long as its not IN your eyes. You looked like the hottest rock star I've ever seen last night
(12:22:29 AM) tajmuhull: juuuuuuuuust saying
(12:24:14 AM) casperhowls: im not a rock star
(12:24:53 AM) tajmuhull: no, but you looked like one.
(12:25:00 AM) tajmuhull: totally just as hot
(12:25:04 AM) tajmuhull: only more
(12:25:10 AM) tajmuhull: cuz you're my Casper
(12:28:44 AM) casperhowls: :-D i like hearing you say that
(12:39:44 AM) tajmuhull: sooooooooooooooooooooooooo
(12:39:49 AM) tajmuhull: Casper
(12:39:59 AM) tajmuhull: what are your thoughts on Finland?
(12:40:26 AM) casperhowls: i'd like to go back. but i'm scared
(12:40:56 AM) tajmuhull: of them finding you?
(12:41:51 AM) casperhowls: no i don't think so. i don't even know if they realized it was me or a random animal attack. it's been a long time since i was there
(12:42:07 AM) tajmuhull: then what are you scared of?
(12:42:39 AM) casperhowls: i dont know
(12:42:50 AM) tajmuhull: flying?
(12:43:00 AM) casperhowls: no
(12:43:20 AM) tajmuhull: seeing the old place again? like how it's changed?
(12:44:21 AM) casperhowls: I'm more scared that it hasn't changed at all.
(12:45:00 AM) casperhowls: im scared that if we go back you'll see what I did
(12:45:21 AM) tajmuhull: but I already know what you did
(12:46:01 AM) casperhowls: but you'll see it
(12:46:46 AM) casperhowls: my wolf has never been so angry before..i don't even remember what made me angry
(12:48:27 AM) tajmuhull: I'm not scared to see it. I'm seen blips.
(12:48:30 AM) tajmuhull: I've*
(12:48:42 AM) tajmuhull: not everything
(12:48:48 AM) tajmuhull: just flashes
(12:48:56 AM) tajmuhull: I don't mind.
(12:49:15 AM) tajmuhull: Sometimes there isn't a why
(12:49:25 AM) tajmuhull: and sometimes why doesn't matter
(12:49:29 AM) tajmuhull: It just
(12:49:30 AM) tajmuhull: Is
(12:49:34 AM) tajmuhull: and that's ok
(12:49:51 AM) tajmuhull: You don't have to let your past rule you
(12:50:19 AM) tajmuhull: But if you don't want to go, that's ok too. We can find somewhere else with snow
(12:50:36 AM) tajmuhull: I just want to go where you'll be happy
(12:51:20 AM) casperhowls: it doesn't. I just. I want to. I just don't want you to see it. You helped the babies where you grew up...I killed them all where I grew up.
(12:51:25 AM) casperhowls: I am happy.
(12:51:32 AM) casperhowls: wherever you are
(12:52:23 AM) tajmuhull: Yeah, but -
(12:53:20 AM) tajmuhull: I've eaten people before. I wouldn't hold that against you. Why would I do that when I have no room for judgement
(12:53:42 AM) casperhowls: I don't want it to make you sad
(12:54:00 AM) tajmuhull: strangely. I don't think it will.
(12:54:43 AM) tajmuhull: I'm different Casper. I know I can get weirdly emotional and try to make it stop. But I've been called heartless before too.
(12:55:02 AM) tajmuhull: Like because I seem so indifferent to things sometimes
(12:55:07 AM) tajmuhull: I can't win though because
(12:55:17 AM) tajmuhull: I get emotional and people get upset
(12:55:33 AM) tajmuhull: I look at things logically and move along and I'm heartless
(12:55:45 AM) tajmuhull: I dont know what people want from me
(12:55:49 AM) casperhowls: i don't think you're heartless
(12:56:43 AM) tajmuhull: well if someone else heard me going on saying I dont care you're a baby killer I'd get some weird reactions especially working with children as I do and still not care if you came to me and said you did it again.
(12:56:53 AM) tajmuhull: I understand my thoughts.
(12:56:59 AM) tajmuhull: but no one else seems to
(12:57:29 AM) casperhowls: does it matter? If no one else understands them?
(12:57:45 AM) tajmuhull: only when I'm lonely
(12:57:57 AM) tajmuhull: other than that. no
(12:58:30 AM) casperhowls: do you want to go to Finland?
(12:58:48 AM) tajmuhull: if you do I do.
(12:59:01 AM) tajmuhull: other than that it serves no purpose
(12:59:05 AM) tajmuhull: well
(12:59:12 AM) tajmuhull: then again i do
(12:59:21 AM) tajmuhull: want to mark northern lights off my list
(12:59:24 AM) tajmuhull: someday
(12:59:28 AM) casperhowls: can we wait until after the moon?
(12:59:46 AM) tajmuhull: I guess? it doesn't matter to me
(1:00:27 AM) casperhowls: im not sure I'll be very good at flying before it
(1:00:41 AM) tajmuhull: oh. I see.
(1:00:43 AM) tajmuhull: yeah ok
(1:00:52 AM) tajmuhull: whatever makes you comfortable
(1:01:10 AM) casperhowls: are you sure you don't mind waiting?
(1:01:53 AM) tajmuhull: naw. I'm having fun with you everywhere we've gone. that's just one more thing to look forward to
(1:02:17 AM) casperhowls: :-)
(1:02:31 AM) tajmuhull: hey casper
(1:02:36 AM) casperhowls: yeah
(1:02:56 AM) tajmuhull: does it upset you that i wouldn't care if you killed a bunch of kids again?
(1:03:10 AM) tajmuhull: does the way I think weird you out?
(1:03:15 AM) casperhowls: no.
(1:03:22 AM) tajmuhull: hmmm. good
(1:03:52 AM) casperhowls: part of me wouldn't care much either. if it happens it happens, i don't have to like it but there's nothing i can do about it either
(1:04:07 AM) tajmuhull: It's sorta like being upset that a snake eats the mouse.
(1:04:14 AM) tajmuhull: it's just nature to me
(1:04:17 AM) tajmuhull: even with people
(1:04:36 AM) tajmuhull: even if I do like kids
(1:04:39 AM) casperhowls: yeah but that still doesnt mean i'd be happy to know you watched me do it
(1:04:40 AM) tajmuhull: I mean I like mice too
(1:04:43 AM) tajmuhull: heh
(1:04:50 AM) tajmuhull: hmmm
(1:05:02 AM) tajmuhull: would you be upset if you saw me eat someone?
(1:05:15 AM) tajmuhull: do you remember what I did the night with Andy?
(1:06:20 AM) casperhowls: yeah. i was awake when you ate the paper boy
(1:06:24 AM) casperhowls: i wasn't upset
(1:06:39 AM) casperhowls: i'm the one that killed him. and you glowed when you did it
(1:06:40 AM) casperhowls: it was pretty
(1:07:35 AM) tajmuhull: that's right. so, if you know me ... that way.... why should it matter if i witness you
(1:07:54 AM) tajmuhull: it's logical it shouldn't make a difference
(1:08:16 AM) tajmuhull: unless there's other feelings/variables I'm not taking into consideration
(1:08:43 AM) casperhowls: i want to protect you...
(1:08:45 AM) casperhowls: from everything
(1:11:03 AM) tajmuhull: I like that. I'm just not sure this is something I need protected from. the only thing that can ever hurt me is eating the people I care for. and there's only 4. if you can manage to not eat them out of the vast thousands left - I think I'll be fine
(1:11:50 AM) casperhowls: but I already tried to do that
(1:12:10 AM) tajmuhull: but you didn't accomplish it
(1:12:19 AM) casperhowls: no
(1:12:34 AM) casperhowls: well i think i ate a little bit of him
(1:12:55 AM) casperhowls: are you going to stay with me this moon?
(1:13:26 AM) tajmuhull: I want to stay with you every moon.
(1:13:45 AM) tajmuhull: but you told me to stay away. but we're sort of on vacation
(1:14:01 AM) tajmuhull: will you leave me? during that time?
(1:17:07 AM) casperhowls: i don't want to
(1:17:22 AM) tajmuhull: then dont
(1:17:53 AM) casperhowls: if i try and hurt you do you promise you'll fly away?
(1:18:38 AM) tajmuhull: I promise
(1:18:46 AM) casperhowls: thank you
(1:30:25 AM) tajmuhull: hey casper
(1:30:35 AM) tajmuhull: have you ever thought about getting a tattoo?
(1:36:49 AM) casperhowls: would it even work on me>
(1:36:50 AM) casperhowls: ?
(1:39:55 AM) tajmuhull: idk?
(1:40:49 AM) casperhowls: i guess ive never really thought about it
(1:40:50 AM) casperhowls: why?
(2:09:58 AM) tajmuhull: oh sorry. I didn't see it blink. but um. just thought it would add to the rock star quality
(2:10:00 AM) tajmuhull: lol
(2:10:19 AM) tajmuhull: I'm still thinking of your glam factor
(2:11:58 AM) casperhowls: do you think i should get one?
(2:13:00 AM) tajmuhull: you could get a small one just to see. I wouldn't waste my time on something elaborate in case it's like you said
(2:13:04 AM) tajmuhull: comes off?
(2:13:25 AM) tajmuhull: I wonder how fast it would heal
(2:14:32 AM) casperhowls: i heal pretty quick...i think whoever did it might notice that
(2:15:40 AM) tajmuhull: oh. ok. well that's a problem then. It'd have to be someone who knew of supers. who knows? maybe we'll find one some day
(2:15:55 AM) tajmuhull: the question is would the ink leave your skin
(2:15:56 AM) tajmuhull: or
(2:16:10 AM) tajmuhull: would it just heal over faster
(2:16:20 AM) casperhowls: i don't know
(2:16:21 AM) tajmuhull: now I'm just plain curious
(2:16:52 AM) casperhowls: how will we find someone?
(2:17:33 AM) tajmuhull: idk. I guess just stopping in enough tattoo shops till I notice an artist isn't human?
(2:17:52 AM) tajmuhull: if that ever happens. then we could see
(2:22:10 AM) casperhowls: okay
(2:25:07 AM) tajmuhull: you alright?
(2:25:19 AM) casperhowls: yep
(2:25:56 AM) casperhowls: Are you?
(2:26:57 AM) tajmuhull: yeah
(2:26:59 AM) tajmuhull: or no
(2:27:01 AM) tajmuhull: idk
(2:28:38 AM) casperhowls: what's wrong?
(2:30:23 AM) tajmuhull: it's just Kareem
(2:30:48 AM) tajmuhull: He said something that struck a chord I guess
(2:31:03 AM) casperhowls: what did he say?
(2:31:42 AM) tajmuhull: He got a little upset about me being gone and not knowing when I'll be back and eventually said
(2:31:58 AM) tajmuhull: Be back for Bonnaroo, or you'll break my heart. And if you don't care about that, you'll break Andy's, too.
(2:32:31 AM) casperhowls: When's bonnaroo?
(2:32:49 AM) tajmuhull: that's the RV trip we planned this summer. the music festival I told you about
(2:33:09 AM) tajmuhull: the one I did get permission for
(2:33:25 AM) casperhowls: but when is it?
(2:35:53 AM) tajmuhull: oh I thought it said what's bonnaroo. The when is.... June 7th to the tenth.
(2:36:08 AM) tajmuhull: we'll be leaving like a week prior I guess
(2:37:13 AM) casperhowls: we'll be back by then?
(2:37:36 AM) tajmuhull: we have to
(2:37:49 AM) tajmuhull: I have to do that with them
(2:37:56 AM) casperhowls: okay
(2:40:32 AM) tajmuhull: I just... it's not just the when I need to be back thing
(2:40:44 AM) tajmuhull: it's how he used Andy to make me feel guilty
(2:41:07 AM) casperhowls: guilty for leaving?
(2:42:06 AM) tajmuhull: it's the wording. I'd break his heart? and it was like he doubted he mattered enough on his own. and had to bait me with how much I cared for Andy as if that would sway me more
(2:42:27 AM) tajmuhull: Kareem matters to me. Just as much as any of them
(2:43:12 AM) casperhowls: it makes me angry
(2:43:45 AM) tajmuhull: It just hurts. Idk. I love them all.
(2:44:11 AM) casperhowls: do you think we should go back?
(2:44:39 AM) tajmuhull: NO
(2:44:42 AM) tajmuhull: fuck that
(2:46:58 AM) casperhowls: just checking
(2:49:59 AM) tajmuhull: Dally said I ran away
(2:50:31 AM) tajmuhull: he said he feels like we've been divided lately
(2:51:02 AM) tajmuhull: I told him I hated the military and he that he only went to run away from his feelings
(2:51:29 AM) tajmuhull: and that basically I'll always hate the military for taking him away from me
(2:51:32 AM) casperhowls: did i make you runaway?
(2:51:36 AM) tajmuhull: NO
(2:52:38 AM) tajmuhull: I told him maybe he was right. maybe I did run away. but that he should get what that means since he did the same thing. that he might be the only who gets it. when emotions are that fucked up. it's just time to flip the switch
(2:52:48 AM) tajmuhull: but he said something to me too
(2:52:52 AM) tajmuhull: after that
(2:54:10 AM) tajmuhull: and he made me cry
(2:54:41 AM) casperhowls: >:o
(2:54:49 AM) casperhowls: what did he say?
(2:57:43 AM) tajmuhull: well he almost just hung up on me and cut out first. and that never happens, so I knew it was bad... but then... well, idk.. he basically told me that when he ran to the military at least he ran to something to change his life for the better.
(2:58:01 AM) tajmuhull: like... that wasn't what I was trying to do
(2:58:10 AM) tajmuhull: and that really stung
(2:58:16 AM) tajmuhull: and
(2:58:47 AM) tajmuhull: then he said this
(2:58:51 AM) tajmuhull: I'll show you
(2:58:55 AM) tajmuhull: (9:13:40 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Pulling this shit with Casper. Gods...
(9:13:56 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Like I didn't already have enough to give me a heartattack before.
(9:14:13 PM) Darrius Eastwood: It's like I came home and things went to shit in a handbasket.
(9:14:44 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Taj? Listen to me, you crazy mother fucker.
(9:14:46 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I love you.
(9:15:02 PM) Darrius Eastwood: You get this messed up, whacked shit that's going on in my head.
(9:15:16 PM) Darrius Eastwood: And hey, you know how to beat me at my own games.
(9:15:18 PM) Darrius Eastwood: But...
(9:15:21 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I worry.
(9:15:33 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I worry about you because I never want to see you fall or get hurt.
(9:16:40 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I stuck up for you when I was little and I wouldn't change that now.
(9:16:50 PM) Darrius Eastwood: It's just...you've changed.
(9:16:52 PM) Darrius Eastwood: A lot.
(9:17:07 PM) Darrius Eastwood: And I'm not so sure I can do anything to keep you out of harms way anymore.
(2:59:10 AM) tajmuhull: and I didn't like that he thinks I've changed
(2:59:18 AM) tajmuhull: like it's in a bad way
(2:59:44 AM) tajmuhull: my minds a little messed up
(3:00:24 AM) casperhowls: i'm coming between you and your brothers
(3:00:36 AM) casperhowls: i never meant to
(3:01:17 AM) casperhowls: i never want to hurt you.
(3:01:54 AM) tajmuhull: you aren't. I mean I just cant win.
(3:02:11 AM) tajmuhull: K never approved of me and Andy.
(3:02:31 AM) tajmuhull: I stop and he sees me being with you and I still am not doing it right
(3:02:44 AM) tajmuhull: I dont know what he wants from me
(3:03:43 AM) casperhowls: i think they just want you to be safe, I'm a werewolf. They're not ever going to think you'll be safe around me.
(3:04:35 AM) tajmuhull: but you're more than that
(3:04:46 AM) casperhowls: not to them
(3:11:11 AM) tajmuhull: well to me. Doesn't that count to anyone?
(3:11:25 AM) casperhowls: it counts to me
(3:13:37 AM) casperhowls: I don't like that he made you cry. i don't like it one bit
(3:16:45 AM) tajmuhull: he told me he wasn't worth crying over
(3:17:08 AM) tajmuhull: and if it counts to you. then maybe that's all that matters
(3:20:00 AM) casperhowls: they make me mad
(3:20:25 AM) tajmuhull: what are you thinking?
(3:20:56 AM) casperhowls: that its a very good thing we're not going to be in Boston this full moon
(3:25:34 AM) tajmuhull: I love you.
(3:25:40 AM) tajmuhull: relax baby
(3:26:23 AM) casperhowls: i love you too. i think i need to get away from the laptop.
(3:27:30 AM) casperhowls: where are you?
(3:30:30 AM) tajmuhull: just outside in the parking lot where the playground is.
(3:30:58 AM) casperhowls: do you mind if i join you?
(3:32:32 AM) tajmuhull: I'd like that
(3:33:04 AM) casperhowls: i won't be long
(3:51:07 AM) tajmuhull: heh
(3:51:17 AM) tajmuhull: I'll tell you what a bathhouse is
(3:51:32 AM) tajmuhull: yes I'm strolling the forum
(3:54:47 AM) casperhowls: okay
(3:54:50 AM) casperhowls: what is it?
(4:02:12 AM) tajmuhull: it's a building where they have public bathing. steam baths. different things. it's far more prevelent in Asian countries and far more respectful over there too. America has a tendency to make them into places for not only bathing but innuendo to sexual advances. But not all. I have no idea about the guy who posted, but traditionally all that stuff about massages and what not don't actually happen. Gay bath houses took over and were illegal in many places for a long time. But, generally known as Senti - it's not really like that, with proper places for privacy. so in history there were some places that were just for ordinary dissinfection of the body, but it's been given a bad name due to ill intent and illegal activities. I was hardly aware there were really any of these in the US.
(4:02:16 AM) tajmuhull: but then again
(4:02:30 AM) tajmuhull: I dont go around looking for bath houses
(4:02:46 AM) tajmuhull: I can steam my metabolic system in my own bathroom
(4:03:02 AM) tajmuhull: without other people staring at me
(4:03:40 AM) tajmuhull: it originated as a communal need. It just evolved into something else entirely
(4:03:51 AM) tajmuhull: but now a days
(4:04:11 AM) tajmuhull: I think maybe they're trying to get their reputation back?
(4:04:15 AM) tajmuhull: I'm not sure
(4:04:59 AM) casperhowls: oh okay
(4:05:33 AM) tajmuhull: Im not sure what the benefit is really
(4:05:38 AM) casperhowls: why would people pay to bath in front of others when you can just jump in a lake?
(4:05:54 AM) tajmuhull: I mean in modern times we don't really have that need.
(4:06:05 AM) tajmuhull: and yeah? good point. maybe to buy soap?
(4:06:18 AM) tajmuhull: fuck you can get that at a store and scrub yourself
(4:06:41 AM) tajmuhull: I sure as hell wouldn't want some weird ass who touches people all day touching me
(4:06:54 AM) tajmuhull: it's kinda creepy
(4:08:24 AM) tajmuhull: also
(4:08:44 AM) tajmuhull: If I show you something you promise not to mention it to my brothers?
(4:08:50 AM) tajmuhull: especially dally?
(4:08:55 AM) casperhowls: yeah I promise
(4:09:28 AM) tajmuhull: he's confusing the hell outta me. and I'm a smart guy I think. but tell me what you make of some of this. I need another point of view to think on it
(4:09:32 AM) tajmuhull: let me find it
(4:10:22 AM) tajmuhull: (9:26:22 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I'm not worth all that, kid.
(9:26:27 PM) tajmuhull: yeah actually you are
(9:26:52 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Things...well, there will always be things that hurt me.
(9:27:09 PM) tajmuhull: well one of those things should never be me
(9:27:49 PM) Darrius Eastwood: That can
(9:27:54 PM) Darrius Eastwood: That can't be helped.
(9:28:49 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I love you, Taj. Probably more than I should. Just don't go and ruin your life now that I'm back, okay?
(9:29:01 PM) Darrius Eastwood: We have a lot of lake trips and roof tops to catch up on.
(9:29:10 PM) tajmuhull: wait
(9:29:11 PM) tajmuhull: stop
(9:29:19 PM) Darrius Eastwood: And hey, I can speak to you in Arabic now.
(9:29:21 PM) tajmuhull: what do you mean by more than you should
(9:29:27 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Nothing.
(9:29:34 PM) tajmuhull: and I can speak in Arabic :D
(9:29:45 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Mmhm.
(9:29:53 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I think it sounds better from you.
(9:29:54 PM) tajmuhull: and no nothings.
(9:30:03 PM) tajmuhull: spill
(9:30:15 PM) tajmuhull: that's what bros are for. talk to me
(9:30:24 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Hahah. What do you want me to say, Taj?
(9:30:46 PM) Darrius Eastwood: You know, my code of conduct I just have to give you my name, rank, social security number, and phone number.
(9:30:50 PM) Darrius Eastwood: That's it.
(9:30:51 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Haha!
(9:31:09 PM) tajmuhull: haha. yeah I do. It's part of your charm.
(9:31:15 PM) tajmuhull: but I have a secret
(9:31:22 PM) Darrius Eastwood: What?
(9:31:22 PM) tajmuhull: I know you better than that
(9:31:29 PM) tajmuhull: NOW SPILL
(9:32:00 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Hmm...
(9:32:20 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Gee. Maybe if you were here it'd be different. Kinda easy to keep shut like this though.
(9:32:58 PM) tajmuhull: Hmm.
(9:33:10 PM) tajmuhull: Is that you're way of saying I should come back soon
(9:33:23 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Who? Me? Psssh.
(9:33:24 PM) tajmuhull: and I'm so missed because I'm the best brother ever
(9:33:28 PM) tajmuhull: ehehhehehehe
(9:33:45 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Now where did you get that idea?
(4:11:00 AM) Unable to send message: The message is too large.
(4:11:18 AM) tajmuhull: (9:33:47 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Haha.
(9:34:44 PM) tajmuhull: hmmm. idk. you're lucky I don't go snooping around in your mind at my leisure. one day I'm going to gain control of this gift and go on a new road trip
(9:34:50 PM) tajmuhull: all up in your head
(9:35:34 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Mm. It'd be a mine field, Tata.
(9:37:08 PM) tajmuhull: I don't mind. I'd probably try to be like the guy who diffuses bombs - risk all to save the whole building
(9:37:39 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Aah, you would.
(9:38:22 PM) tajmuhull: I hear they get paid big bucks and hardly work at all
(9:38:26 PM) tajmuhull: but when they do
(9:38:31 PM) tajmuhull: the risk is so great
(9:38:37 PM) tajmuhull: pay day still just rocks
(9:39:05 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Ah, you.
(9:40:41 PM) tajmuhull: ah MEEEEEEEEEE. HEY. hold on. Let me find you something. I wanna show you.
(9:40:48 PM) tajmuhull: it's funny
(9:40:51 PM) tajmuhull: let me find it
(9:41:12 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Alright, kiddo.
(9:42:27 PM) tajmuhull: Im not a kid anymore. <3
(9:42:41 PM) Darrius Eastwood: You are to me. In a way.
(9:44:18 PM) tajmuhull: Hrm. I'll have to prove that different then
(9:52:12 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I look forward to it, Tata.
(9:58:46 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Come back soon, alright? I miss you.
(4:11:46 AM) Unable to send message: The message is too large.
(4:12:32 AM) Unable to send message: The message is too large.
(4:12:54 AM) Unable to send message: The message is too large.
(4:13:04 AM) tajmuhull: (9:59:23 PM) tajmuhull: well one. I had to get new glasses. http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m39or
(10:00:12 PM) tajmuhull: I'm going to turn him into a rock star lolol
(10:00:24 PM) tajmuhull: and I will. I can't stay gone forever
(10:00:30 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Heh. Have fun.
(10:04:28 PM) tajmuhull: you're supposed to say more than that brother
(10:04:38 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Alright, kiddo.
(10:04:43 PM) tajmuhull: why do I get the feeling everyone is humoring me with this casper thing
(10:04:57 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Well, I like your glasses. But I don't know what to think about this Casper kid.
(10:08:49 PM) tajmuhull: you haven't even met him
(4:13:17 AM) tajmuhull: (10:08:56 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Exactly.
(10:09:05 PM) Darrius Eastwood: And he's already runnin off with my little bro.
(10:09:19 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Kinda a bad start. Haha. But I'm pretty forgivin.
(10:12:49 PM) tajmuhull: hmmm. idk. It was my idea to leave tho. Jsyk
(10:13:10 PM) tajmuhull: but then again I said let's wait till morning
(10:13:13 PM) tajmuhull: and he said
(10:13:15 PM) tajmuhull: let's go now
(10:13:17 PM) tajmuhull: HAHAHA
(10:14:58 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Heh. Crazy kids.
(10:34:58 PM) tajmuhull: Hey Dally. You're not really upset are you? About Casper I mean?
(10:36:18 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Why?
(10:36:33 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I doesn't matter, kid. You're happy and that's what counts.
(10:41:52 PM) tajmuhull: because that's just it. It matters to me
(10:42:01 PM) tajmuhull: that's not all that counts
(10:45:13 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Well, I'll work it out, Tata.
(10:45:54 PM) tajmuhull: hey you. that's what I'm trying to do by talking
(10:56:17 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Hahah.
(10:56:44 PM) tajmuhull: you're laughing at me
(10:57:02 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Nah, I'm laughin at myself.
(10:57:11 PM) tajmuhull: for what?
(10:57:22 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Being strange.
(10:58:25 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I don't want to get in the way of you and Casper, alright?
(10:58:33 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I don't know what to think of him, really.
(11:02:49 PM) tajmuhull: yeah but, if there's something to get in the way of I want to know. My brothers have always come first. Even all these years you were gone. Granted I've never thought of someone like I do Casper, so it was easy to drop dates like flies if anyone had a beef.
(11:02:57 PM) tajmuhull: but I still wanna know
(11:03:31 PM) tajmuhull: That's never gonna change
(4:13:28 AM) tajmuhull: (11:05:43 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I'm not sure what to say, exactly. When I don't know what's exactly going on in my own head.
(11:06:15 PM) tajmuhull: maybe you could just sorta try? it's ok it if it comes out wrong. YOu know I dont judge that stuff
(11:07:22 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I don't have much thought on this Casper guy, really. Don't completely like him and I think he's kinda dangerous for all of us but...
(11:07:48 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Me? My thoughts towards you are...jumbled. Think I had one too many bombs go off near me.
(11:09:21 PM) tajmuhull: I suppose you're right. He is. but wait. towards me?
(11:09:32 PM) tajmuhull: I didn't mean to hurt your feelings earlier
(11:09:36 PM) tajmuhull: really I've
(11:09:43 PM) tajmuhull: just been in a weird phase
(11:10:16 PM) tajmuhull: I think I'd die if I thought you and me weren't on the cool
(11:10:28 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Heh. It's alright, kid.
(11:10:50 PM) tajmuhull: no. it's not. That pact still means everything to me. I don't care if we were just kids
(11:11:12 PM) tajmuhull: We have to be ok. you and me.
(11:11:20 PM) tajmuhull: we have to be more than ok
(11:11:26 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Then we are.
(11:14:19 PM) tajmuhull: you promise?
(11:14:24 PM) tajmuhull: you know I can sense lies
(11:14:31 PM) tajmuhull: dont try to play me
(11:14:33 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I know, Tata.
(11:14:44 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I just gotta get my head on straight.
(11:14:46 PM) Darrius Eastwood: But we're good.
(11:14:55 PM) tajmuhull: you keep saying that
(11:16:02 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Because I mean it?
(11:20:09 PM) tajmuhull: I mean about getting your head on straight. I'm always there to help, if you'd only ask. that's not somthing you have to do alone. Whatever it is. I think you and I have spent enough time thinking we're alone in the middle of all this
(11:20:30 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Heh. True...
(11:20:35 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Just let me think, okay?
(4:13:40 AM) tajmuhull: (11:05:43 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I'm not sure what to say, exactly. When I don't know what's exactly going on in my own head.
(11:06:15 PM) tajmuhull: maybe you could just sorta try? it's ok it if it comes out wrong. YOu know I dont judge that stuff
(11:07:22 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I don't have much thought on this Casper guy, really. Don't completely like him and I think he's kinda dangerous for all of us but...
(11:07:48 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Me? My thoughts towards you are...jumbled. Think I had one too many bombs go off near me.
(11:09:21 PM) tajmuhull: I suppose you're right. He is. but wait. towards me?
(11:09:32 PM) tajmuhull: I didn't mean to hurt your feelings earlier
(11:09:36 PM) tajmuhull: really I've
(11:09:43 PM) tajmuhull: just been in a weird phase
(11:10:16 PM) tajmuhull: I think I'd die if I thought you and me weren't on the cool
(11:10:28 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Heh. It's alright, kid.
(11:10:50 PM) tajmuhull: no. it's not. That pact still means everything to me. I don't care if we were just kids
(11:11:12 PM) tajmuhull: We have to be ok. you and me.
(11:11:20 PM) tajmuhull: we have to be more than ok
(11:11:26 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Then we are.
(11:14:19 PM) tajmuhull: you promise?
(11:14:24 PM) tajmuhull: you know I can sense lies
(11:14:31 PM) tajmuhull: dont try to play me
(11:14:33 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I know, Tata.
(11:14:44 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I just gotta get my head on straight.
(11:14:46 PM) Darrius Eastwood: But we're good.
(11:14:55 PM) tajmuhull: you keep saying that
(11:16:02 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Because I mean it?
(11:20:09 PM) tajmuhull: I mean about getting your head on straight. I'm always there to help, if you'd only ask. that's not somthing you have to do alone. Whatever it is. I think you and I have spent enough time thinking we're alone in the middle of all this
(11:20:30 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Heh. True...
(11:20:35 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Just let me think, okay?
(4:14:07 AM) tajmuhull: whoops. I copied one part twice
(4:14:12 AM) tajmuhull: (11:20:54 PM) tajmuhull: okay Dally. I love you. Just dont forget that.
(11:22:55 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I know you do, Taj. I love you too. A lot, alright?
(11:49:55 PM) tajmuhull: alright Dally. I do know.
(4:14:14 AM) tajmuhull: NOW
(4:14:16 AM) tajmuhull: anyway
(4:14:30 AM) tajmuhull: what the hell is up with all that love me too much shit?
(4:14:38 AM) tajmuhull: or get his head on straight shit?
(4:14:56 AM) tajmuhull: I could feel lies all over that shit and I hate it when he does that
(4:15:04 AM) tajmuhull: not like to be malicious
(4:15:18 AM) tajmuhull: sometimes people hold back
(4:15:29 AM) tajmuhull: out of fear or saving someone from being hurt
(4:15:35 AM) tajmuhull: or stuff like that
(4:15:43 AM) tajmuhull: but still I feel it
(4:15:53 AM) tajmuhull: and I can't figure him out
(4:18:50 AM) casperhowls: does he like you..the way you like andy?
(4:19:04 AM) tajmuhull: no that's silly
(4:19:10 AM) casperhowls: why?
(4:20:08 AM) casperhowls: when i started to like you thats what it felt like. liek someone had unscrewed my head, spun it around a couple of times then put it back on backwards.
(4:20:32 AM) casperhowls: or does he just think that I'm taking you away from them?
(4:22:42 AM) tajmuhull: I don't know. I'm confused. Dally's a hard nut to crack
(4:22:46 AM) tajmuhull: because
(4:22:49 AM) tajmuhull: he left
(4:22:59 AM) tajmuhull: he left us all in my opinion
(4:23:26 AM) tajmuhull: and I wouldn't do that
(4:23:34 AM) tajmuhull: to the rest of them
(4:23:43 AM) tajmuhull: He doesn't get what that decision did to me
(4:23:44 AM) casperhowls: but why did he leave?
(4:24:36 AM) tajmuhull: idk. why does anyone join the military? he had bottled up emotions he couldn't deal with - he was always sort of the black sheep of us in a way. which I never got. I've known him the longest
(4:25:02 AM) tajmuhull: that's why I called him out on running away and it not having anything to do with patriotism
(4:25:24 AM) tajmuhull: plus ok... I'm going to show you how ugly it got then.
(4:26:11 AM) Unable to send message: The message is too large.
(4:26:24 AM) tajmuhull: (8:54:53 PM) tajmuhull: I am so proud of how you feel for your country or whatever it is
(8:55:27 PM) tajmuhull: but really
(8:55:30 PM) tajmuhull: honestly?
(8:55:37 PM) tajmuhull: no offense but the military is stupid
(8:55:59 PM) tajmuhull: sorry. I feel that way
(8:56:01 PM) tajmuhull: but I do
(8:56:07 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I know.
(8:56:49 PM) Darrius Eastwood: I think...I'll poke around.
(8:56:54 PM) Darrius Eastwood: See what I can kick up.
(8:57:44 PM) tajmuhull: you know?
(8:57:49 PM) tajmuhull: really?
(8:58:01 PM) tajmuhull: I always thought I'd hurt your feelings if I came right out and said that
(8:58:13 PM) Darrius Eastwood: No way, kid.
(8:59:30 PM) tajmuhull: I mean here's my experience with the millitary. It takes away my brother. It messes with his head. They have a lock on my life even as we speak just because they're so stupid they can't keep a simple hacker like me out of national security issues.
(8:59:35 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Your opinions are yours to have.
(8:59:36 PM) tajmuhull: you have love issues
(8:59:40 PM) tajmuhull: ptsd
(4:26:41 AM) tajmuhull: (9:00:10 PM) tajmuhull: history shows more wars than actual protections
(9:00:31 PM) tajmuhull: they seperate themselves as if they are superior to civilians
(9:00:48 PM) tajmuhull: when they're all just normal ass people scared as shit too
(9:00:53 PM) tajmuhull: I know I hear their minds
(9:01:08 PM) tajmuhull: it's just the most ridiculous fake out I've ever seen
(9:01:17 PM) tajmuhull: but I see more than the average joe
(9:01:32 PM) tajmuhull: and all this man-stank adrenaline trying to show off
(9:01:46 PM) tajmuhull: who's rank is above who yelling in faces in basic
(9:02:04 PM) tajmuhull: it's just a dumb way to create respect
(9:02:24 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Mm...
(9:02:51 PM) tajmuhull: sorry. glad I live in a free country and all. but dude? I'm not american. I'm not about countries. I'm about something way larger than that
(9:03:05 PM) tajmuhull: just saying
(9:03:17 PM) tajmuhull: and so is everyone else if they'd open their minds and see
(9:03:46 PM) Darrius Eastwood: ....Again, entitled to your own opinions.
(9:03:54 PM) tajmuhull: yeah I'll stop now. sorry
(9:04:15 PM) Darrius Eastwood: It's fine.
(9:04:26 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Like I said, you have the right to your thoughts.
(9:05:04 PM) tajmuhull: yup. so do you. and everyone else. it's the way of things.
(9:05:19 PM) tajmuhull: It's also why I'm alone in life
(9:05:40 PM) tajmuhull: 4 brothers and still no one gets me
(9:05:44 PM) tajmuhull: except Andy
(9:05:46 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Uh...
(9:06:04 PM) tajmuhull: and he wont let himself love me even when I know quite well he does
(9:06:11 PM) tajmuhull: so where does that leave me?
(9:06:15 PM) tajmuhull: alone
(9:06:20 PM) tajmuhull: until now I guess
(9:06:23 PM) tajmuhull: I have casper
(9:06:27 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Glad to know you think I don't get it.
(9:06:46 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Have a good night, Taj. Enjoy your vacation.
(4:26:57 AM) tajmuhull: yeah. then I had to say I'm sorry so he wouldn't just leave
(4:29:27 AM) tajmuhull: it's been a weird day
(4:29:44 AM) tajmuhull: there's just no way I would go home right now if they begged
(4:29:51 AM) casperhowls: Taj
(4:29:56 AM) tajmuhull: what
(4:30:05 AM) casperhowls: I know you said it was silly
(4:30:07 AM) casperhowls: but
(4:30:24 AM) casperhowls: (9:05:40 PM) tajmuhull: 4 brothers and still no one gets me
(9:05:44 PM) tajmuhull: except Andy
(9:05:46 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Uh...
(9:06:04 PM) tajmuhull: and he wont let himself love me even when I know quite well he does
(9:06:11 PM) tajmuhull: so where does that leave me?
(9:06:15 PM) tajmuhull: alone
(9:06:20 PM) tajmuhull: until now I guess
(9:06:23 PM) tajmuhull: I have casper
(9:06:27 PM) Darrius Eastwood: Glad to know you think I don't get it.
(4:30:43 AM) casperhowls: were you and andy together when he left?
(4:31:18 AM) casperhowls: i don't know. I don't really understand the way people well operate and interact I guess
(4:31:32 AM) casperhowls: but if you got together with andy now. I'd run away too.
(4:33:07 AM) tajmuhull: yeah sort of, we were I guess. that was at the end game of the relationship I suppose.
(4:33:18 AM) tajmuhull: well no
(4:33:20 AM) tajmuhull: wait
(4:33:22 AM) tajmuhull: we were
(4:33:35 AM) tajmuhull: he aged out and left before me and andy left the home
(4:33:42 AM) tajmuhull: he's older than us
(4:34:26 AM) tajmuhull: dally and me were there the longest and the first... but me and andy were the last to leave.
(4:34:44 AM) tajmuhull: cuz we're youngest
(4:34:58 AM) tajmuhull: but he never
(4:35:02 AM) tajmuhull: I mean
(4:35:13 AM) tajmuhull: when we were kids. never gave me a hint to think that
(4:35:19 AM) tajmuhull: he cared like that
(4:35:30 AM) tajmuhull: couldnt' be true
(4:35:34 AM) tajmuhull: I can't think that
(4:35:47 AM) tajmuhull: and btw
(4:36:01 AM) tajmuhull: I'm not gonna be with Andy. I'm with you
(4:36:09 AM) casperhowls: I know
(4:36:12 AM) tajmuhull: so no running
(4:37:40 AM) casperhowls: i don't know Taj, that's just what my wolf would do. My wolf would be jeakous but still want to see you happy and not like that what he was feeling would make you sad ir feel bad so he'd remove himself from the situation or kill the person that stole your attention...but thats just a my wolf
(4:38:06 AM) tajmuhull: ah
(4:38:09 AM) tajmuhull: heh
(4:38:21 AM) tajmuhull: idk. it's just hard to believe I could have been that blind
(4:38:27 AM) tajmuhull: Maybe I was
(4:38:59 AM) tajmuhull: there's an awful lot I just dont understand and I'm tired of not getting it
(4:39:09 AM) casperhowls: stop trying?
(4:39:29 AM) tajmuhull: I can't. idk. It's in my nature or something. I need to know....
(4:39:32 AM) tajmuhull: everything
(4:39:42 AM) casperhowls: have you ever lost something?
(4:39:49 AM) tajmuhull: yes
(4:39:49 AM) casperhowls: and then looked everywhere for it
(4:39:52 AM) tajmuhull: yeah
(4:40:02 AM) casperhowls: only to find it once you stop looking?
(4:40:09 AM) tajmuhull: yes.
(4:40:17 AM) casperhowls: so stop
(4:41:15 AM) tajmuhull: that's one of my favorite quotes. dont' laugh. lol. maybe laugh a little
(4:41:16 AM) tajmuhull: but
(4:41:25 AM) tajmuhull: You often find your destiny on the path you take to avoid it.
(4:41:51 AM) tajmuhull: but I think that might be true
(4:42:08 AM) casperhowls: you said you're a sphinx and that means you know things. if you stop trying to figure it out maybe you'll know and if not, maybe you're not supposed to know yet
(4:42:56 AM) tajmuhull: you remind of confucious
(4:44:15 AM) tajmuhull: my favorite persian poet and philosopher is Jalal ad-din Rumi.
(4:44:17 AM) tajmuhull: he said
(4:44:40 AM) tajmuhull: dont grieve. anything you lose comes round in another form
(4:45:19 AM) tajmuhull: I think that's why I finally realized lost love isn't a big deal
(4:45:38 AM) tajmuhull: does that sound stupid?
(4:46:05 AM) casperhowls: no i dont think so
(4:46:13 AM) tajmuhull: and I think it makes sense for lots of stuff
(4:46:28 AM) casperhowls: but im not sure i really understand it either
(4:46:45 AM) casperhowls: i don't really plan ahead
(4:46:47 AM) tajmuhull: that's ok.
(4:47:19 AM) tajmuhull: I think I'm trying to work on that too
(4:47:30 AM) tajmuhull: it's kinda weird actually
(4:47:34 AM) tajmuhull: because
(4:47:59 AM) tajmuhull: remember how I said sometimes people think I'm too emotional then others think I'm heartless?
(4:48:01 AM) tajmuhull: well
(4:48:43 AM) tajmuhull: it's strange because when it comes to my brothers, I feel it myself. I'm like a different person in comparision to how I deal with the rest of the world
(4:49:12 AM) tajmuhull: I can't even explain it. but sometimes
(4:49:18 AM) tajmuhull: I think it's unnatural
(4:49:24 AM) casperhowls: im different with you than i am with everyone else
(4:49:49 AM) tajmuhull: yeah? sometimes I think I wasn't meant to be like this
(4:50:10 AM) casperhowls: i don't really talk to anyone else. i don't feel comfortable around anyone else
(4:50:14 AM) tajmuhull: like Im trapped in a world I just plain don't belong to
(4:50:32 AM) casperhowls: i felt like that
(4:50:54 AM) casperhowls: i just gave up on interacting with the world
(4:50:59 AM) casperhowls: then i met you
(4:51:27 AM) casperhowls: and you were something different too
(4:51:48 AM) tajmuhull: I think that's what I was doing. Staying at my house. It was easier. I only left when social calls were needed to show face. If that makes sense
(4:52:08 AM) tajmuhull: It's not like I never ever left the house. but mostly I just stayed there
(4:52:29 AM) casperhowls: i don't think anyone really has a place to belong.
(4:53:05 AM) tajmuhull: I do. I think we do.
(4:53:13 AM) tajmuhull: It's just hard to find it
(4:53:23 AM) tajmuhull: that's that feeling I say I get
(4:53:27 AM) tajmuhull: on the rooftop
(4:53:35 AM) tajmuhull: when I look out at the horizon
(4:53:36 AM) casperhowls: i think we just belong where we put ourselves.
(4:53:55 AM) tajmuhull: like there's something out there, just outta my reach
(4:54:04 AM) tajmuhull: and that's where I belong
(4:54:07 AM) tajmuhull: but
(4:54:10 AM) tajmuhull: maybe?
(4:54:15 AM) tajmuhull: maybe you're right
(4:54:34 AM) casperhowls: it doesnt work though if you're pretending to be something you're not
(4:56:13 AM) tajmuhull: I don't feel like I'm pretending. I mean, if it's me to not do what's natural for the sake of others, then isn't that what's natural of me? or am I so lost I can talk myself into circles
(4:56:45 AM) tajmuhull: I just... sometimes... I wonder
(4:57:19 AM) casperhowls: i don't know. i belonged everywhere i'd ever been because i was there and couldn't be in two places at once but no one knew i was a wolf until you. i didn't exist until i met you
(4:57:42 AM) tajmuhull: You didn't exist
(4:57:46 AM) tajmuhull: hmmm
(4:57:50 AM) tajmuhull: that's
(4:57:59 AM) tajmuhull: an interesting way of putting it
(4:58:13 AM) tajmuhull: I think that's it
(4:58:20 AM) casperhowls: what is?
(4:58:20 AM) tajmuhull: I mean.
(5:06:21 AM) tajmuhull: I didn't exist to anyone either. no one but my brothers anyway, but even there... with them, there's still not quite the whole me there. I cap everything I do to seem more "human" but I'm just not. and even though they aren't either, they seem far more satisfied with this human world than I do and all it's rules and chaos. I don't feel a part of all that. I admit, Andy acts like I can do no wrong. I think I saught some refuge there. Not to beat a dead horse over the head but when someone tells you you're perfect in everything you do, but then still won't be with you... you tend to try to find what's wrong with you, like they must be wrong or you'd be good enough. Makes a part of you not really exist. and Casper. you sort of act that way too, just in your own way. like I should just be me. but not just that. that you not just accept, but you want it. you dont just tolerate it. idk. I think I exist with you.
(5:06:24 AM) tajmuhull: like wholly
(5:06:53 AM) tajmuhull: It was like all my brothers could see glimpses of me.
(5:07:07 AM) tajmuhull: but never did I exist completely
(5:07:14 AM) tajmuhull: does that make sense?
(5:07:52 AM) tajmuhull: I'm not talking about romantic stuff. or love. or anything. I'm talking abotu like you said
(5:07:57 AM) tajmuhull: about*
(5:08:00 AM) tajmuhull: like
(5:08:05 AM) tajmuhull: just being
(5:08:08 AM) tajmuhull: me
(5:08:42 AM) tajmuhull: maybe I dont know how to explain this one
(5:11:30 AM) casperhowls: i think i understand. like when i break all your little pianos and you don't care that I do because im strong and i can't help it and i still do it. i turn furry every full moon and even without the moon on the inside im a wolf and i can be that wolf and you still talk to me. i eat people and thats okay. You have visions and know things about people but don't let on to them all that you do because you think they won't like it. but if you didn't have them you wouldn't be you, if you pretend you don't know then you don't really exist?
(5:12:46 AM) tajmuhull: yeah. kinda like that. and the eating people thing too. people really dont like that.
(5:12:53 AM) tajmuhull: heh
(5:13:00 AM) casperhowls: i get that
(5:13:37 AM) tajmuhull: and people get upset when I dont tell them things too
(5:13:37 AM) casperhowls: but i'm not very good at following human laws anyway
(5:14:06 AM) tajmuhull: cuz if they know what I can do they dont get I can't always just tell them
(5:14:22 AM) tajmuhull: I just feel I'm not supposed to
(5:14:33 AM) tajmuhull: like big things
(5:14:53 AM) tajmuhull: about how the world works. like when Dally was getting mad
(5:15:03 AM) tajmuhull: I put forth a little information I know
(5:15:14 AM) tajmuhull: I didn't even give ANY details
(5:15:25 AM) tajmuhull: but he's all - you're entitled to your opinion
(5:15:47 AM) tajmuhull: and he has no clue that my emotions are coming from something that has nothing to do with my opinions
(5:15:57 AM) tajmuhull: that he might could trust
(5:16:06 AM) casperhowls: But they should get that because that's whats you are. It's what you do
(5:16:07 AM) tajmuhull: that maybe I really do just know something
(5:17:08 AM) tajmuhull: but you saw, right there. I did what's right by who I am, and it turns into chaos. I didn't tell him higher order of things that I'm just supposed to know
(5:17:13 AM) tajmuhull: like you said
(5:17:18 AM) tajmuhull: not always act on
(5:17:22 AM) tajmuhull: just know
(5:17:33 AM) tajmuhull: I didn't say stuff
(5:17:40 AM) tajmuhull: and it turns into something else
(5:17:54 AM) tajmuhull: I get caught in the middle and no one understands
(5:18:06 AM) tajmuhull: and maybe you think they should just know by now
(5:18:11 AM) tajmuhull: but it's weird
(5:18:15 AM) tajmuhull: they just
(5:18:17 AM) tajmuhull: dont
(5:18:31 AM) casperhowls: But how can they know if you know you can't explain it?
(5:19:33 AM) tajmuhull: maybe Andy does. Hell. Sometimes I think that's the problem. He knows it so well, and gets it so well, he feels beneath me. And I dont want anyone to feel that. I just want to be happy. And
(5:19:50 AM) tajmuhull: I do explain it. I think they honestly just don't believe it
(5:20:01 AM) tajmuhull: because I'm such a doof when it comes to my own life
(5:20:37 AM) tajmuhull: that surely someone as smart as I claim or whatever would be able to do more with his own right?
(5:21:41 AM) casperhowls: Who says what's right an what's wrong though?
(5:23:10 AM) tajmuhull: idk. lots of people have different opinions on that. But I'm very well aware of things others cant be.... ok... I"m going to give you examples without crossing my lines if that's ok
(5:23:27 AM) casperhowls: Okay
(5:31:38 AM) tajmuhull: like this. take religion for instance. God? Is there one? Hell? What's it for? Why do I not freak out and point demon every time I see one? K I think wanted to kill me when he realized I knew their boss was a demon and never told them. But anyway... how many galaxies are out there? I know these answers. But, it's not my place to tell the world it's there for them to figure out. I just... know it. I know. And my interference will ruin the grand design. I felt that more true than ever after spoke about the same thing. But, thing is... sometimes I do know what's right and wrong because of that... but still... there's something in me trying to follow human order and I don't know why. Because I was raised as one? Maybe? instincts are amazing but environmental factors have effects down to the dna man. But anyway I'm getting off track. what I mean is... I know some intense truths right now that people search their whole lives for. but I can't even figure out how to walk my own path.
(5:32:16 AM) tajmuhull: I believe when my brothers watch me run around like a loose cannon, some kid still trying to figure out life like anyone else
(5:32:34 AM) tajmuhull: it's awfully hard for them to think I could know anything of such grand scale
(5:32:42 AM) tajmuhull: it's awfully contradictory
(5:32:51 AM) tajmuhull: I can see that
(5:34:48 AM) casperhowls: I think you're special
(5:35:09 AM) casperhowls: Your life wouldn't be very fun if you knew how it was supposed to go.
(5:36:38 AM) tajmuhull: yeah. I suppose not. lol. getting up to do something spontaneous wouldn't feel so spontaneous then would it
(5:37:27 AM) casperhowls: What would be the point?
(5:39:14 AM) tajmuhull: I came to a place where I made peace with that in some sort of way. sort of. people not getting me.
(5:39:47 AM) tajmuhull: but the more you get me, makes me realize it doesn't have to be that way either. I thought maybe it just did
(5:41:49 AM) casperhowls: Does it make you sad?
(5:42:21 AM) tajmuhull: nope. not at all. it just makes me happy I found you
(5:42:44 AM) tajmuhull: The past leaves marks. I know this. but the truth is. it's over
(5:43:18 AM) tajmuhull: and I happen to like the right now
(5:43:26 AM) casperhowls: Hey Taj.
(5:43:28 AM) tajmuhull: yeah
(5:44:21 AM) casperhowls: I can't remember the last time I had a proper shower. Like in a shower.
(5:45:19 AM) tajmuhull: well we're in a hotel. I think you can have one, every day if you want. or more. lololol. as much as you want
(5:45:56 AM) tajmuhull: so, you really have been living out like this all this time
(5:46:03 AM) tajmuhull: hey casper?
(5:46:10 AM) casperhowls: Yeah
(5:46:23 AM) tajmuhull: my house happens to have some really awesome showers
(5:46:38 AM) tajmuhull: the water thingy is way better than at these hotels
(5:47:42 AM) casperhowls: But we're not at your house
(5:47:43 AM) tajmuhull: have you thought anymore about what happens after
(5:48:10 AM) casperhowls: After what?
(5:50:21 AM) tajmuhull: I mean after the trip
(5:50:36 AM) tajmuhull: have you give that any more thought.
(5:50:50 AM) tajmuhull: and are you wanting a shower right now. lol.
(5:51:18 AM) casperhowls: Do you think I should talk to andy first?
(5:51:31 AM) casperhowls: Yes
(5:51:47 AM) casperhowls: But the water came out so fast it made me jump
(5:52:55 AM) tajmuhull: idk. you can. I don't make these kinds of decisions. I think what's between you and me is between you and me. But, as he does have a room in my house and how he comes over then I suppose it couldn't hurt
(5:53:38 AM) casperhowls: I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Do you want me to stay at your house?
(5:53:54 AM) casperhowls: Oops
(5:54:04 AM) casperhowls: I think I broke the shower
(5:54:18 AM) tajmuhull: unless he convinces you to not come. then I'd be sad. but if I know him, even if you did make him uncomfortable he'd say you didn't
(5:54:35 AM) tajmuhull: and OHHHHHHHHHH. is it spraying everywhere? or just streaming?
(5:55:15 AM) tajmuhull: I think he'll say whatever he thinks will be best for my happiness
(5:55:37 AM) tajmuhull: Do you need my help baby?
(5:55:47 AM) casperhowls: The tap fell off and I can't get it to stop
(5:56:24 AM) tajmuhull: hmmm. maybe I should call maintence and get us another room. lol. And this time... I'll turn it on
(5:57:09 AM) casperhowls: Am I going to get in trouble?
(5:57:33 AM) tajmuhull: naw. these things happen. they're business people. that's what maintenence is for
(5:58:01 AM) casperhowls: Okay
(5:58:14 AM) casperhowls: But I don't think I need a shower no more
(5:58:45 AM) tajmuhull: we're supposed to go get new keys to room 6B up at the desk and uhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah you do
(5:58:51 AM) tajmuhull: getting wet doesn't count
(5:59:29 AM) casperhowls: But I'm very wet now already
(5:59:32 AM) casperhowls: Now my clothes are clean too
(5:59:45 AM) tajmuhull: no they aren't
(5:59:56 AM) tajmuhull: wet doesn't equal clean
(6:00:04 AM) tajmuhull: even if the smudges go away
(6:00:11 AM) casperhowls: If I put soap in them they will be
(6:00:50 AM) tajmuhull: oh casper. Just take a normal shower when we get in there. You'll feel much better. I'll put the clothes in the washer down the hall
(6:04:43 AM) tajmuhull: dont forget. I will turn it on
(6:05:12 AM) casperhowls: Do I smell?
(6:06:13 AM) tajmuhull: You could be cleaner.
(6:06:29 AM) tajmuhull: I mean. we slept with wolves
(6:06:46 AM) tajmuhull: I mean
(6:06:48 AM) casperhowls: I cleaned up after though in the sink
(6:07:41 AM) tajmuhull: yeah, but as fine as that is, idk... it's not human standard clean. If you smelled horrid I couldn't get near you.
(6:07:49 AM) tajmuhull: and I'm near you all the time
(6:08:49 AM) tajmuhull: but then again we're not human HAHAHA
(6:08:52 AM) casperhowls: I use soap
(6:08:56 AM) tajmuhull: I know baby
(6:10:01 AM) tajmuhull: I think you should just let me help you with the shower and you'll feel the difference in that and lake water or sink scrub
(6:10:29 AM) tajmuhull: you'll be able to tell.
(6:11:08 AM) casperhowls: How?
(6:11:46 AM) tajmuhull: because you're whole body feels different. refreshed
(6:13:15 AM) casperhowls: Will you shower with me?
(6:14:20 AM) tajmuhull: yes. hehehe I was planning on it
(6:14:42 AM) casperhowls: Really?
(6:15:23 AM) tajmuhull: yes
(6:15:25 AM) tajmuhull: lol
(6:16:08 AM) tajmuhull: I also have this weird craving for butterscotch
(6:16:24 AM) casperhowls: Butterscotch?
(6:16:30 AM) tajmuhull: mhm
(6:16:36 AM) tajmuhull: you never had it?
(6:16:50 AM) casperhowls: I think I had butterscotch icecream once. I can't remember
(6:17:05 AM) tajmuhull: it's good in syrupy form
(6:17:10 AM) tajmuhull: on ice cream
(6:19:03 AM) casperhowls: I haven't had ice cream in forever.
(6:19:32 AM) tajmuhull: that's a sin. we'll have to fix that too
(6:20:01 AM) casperhowls: Will we?
(6:20:52 AM) tajmuhull: yes. we're going to do everything there ever is together. Don't you know that?
(6:21:15 AM) casperhowls: I guess I know that now
(6:22:34 AM) tajmuhull: good.
(6:23:37 AM) tajmuhull: we'll have to go to one of those sno-cone huts too
(6:23:42 AM) tajmuhull: it's my favorite
(6:23:53 AM) tajmuhull: have you been to those with all the crazy flavors
(6:24:20 AM) casperhowls: No but I've eaten snow before
(6:24:21 AM) tajmuhull: like birthday cake, cotton candy, wedding cake, mai tai,
(6:24:27 AM) tajmuhull: ohhhhhhh
(6:24:31 AM) tajmuhull: it's not the same
(6:24:58 AM) tajmuhull: the flavors are rad. I'll have to show you
(6:25:24 AM) tajmuhull: best use of artificial flavor on the planet
(6:27:48 AM) tajmuhull: HAHAHAH. I just found some new song
(6:27:54 AM) tajmuhull: crazy perfect
(6:29:02 AM) tajmuhull: t but uhhh. lol. Im thinking on what you said earlier
(6:29:12 AM) tajmuhull: http://marcrobillard.com/lyrics/unfold/
(6:30:09 AM) tajmuhull: how it would be boring if I knew everything about my own life. and I like you get I can't say everything I do know. and that you still believe me
(6:34:09 AM) casperhowls: I think I got water in your bag.
(6:34:31 AM) tajmuhull: aw baby. that's ok.
(6:35:13 AM) casperhowls: Sorry
(6:38:35 AM) tajmuhull: baby. I said it's ok.
(6:39:17 AM) casperhowls: You can use my bag until it dries if you like?
(6:39:40 AM) tajmuhull: it'll be fine we're not going anywhere yet
(6:39:58 AM) tajmuhull: and there's a dryer down the hall if my clothes are all wet
(6:40:57 AM) casperhowls: If I make them all wet you'll have to stay here with me until they dry.
(6:42:09 AM) tajmuhull: yes. I suppose I would.
(6:42:25 AM) tajmuhull: they're all wet by now aren't they?
(6:42:25 AM) casperhowls: Yep with no clean clothes
(6:42:29 AM) tajmuhull: ha
(6:42:43 AM) tajmuhull: what about the ones I'm wearing?
(6:43:02 AM) casperhowls: The ones you're wearing cant be wet until you get here
(6:43:12 AM) tajmuhull: I'm coming