Solomon Julian Charbonneau (julesignacio) wrote in thegrand_ic, @ 2012-04-27 11:10:00 |
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Entry tags: | jeremie charbonneau, jules charbonneau |
Who Jules and Jeremie
Type Aim Chat
What Still working out their relationship's longevity challenges living in a human world and their different connections thereof and more info on Jules' human mother
Warnings Language maybe? Low rating
Status Complete
(1:36:29 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby
(1:37:04 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Ooouuuuuuuiiiiiiiiiiiiiii?
(1:37:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm online shopping . tell me to stop
(1:38:15 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Stop.
(1:39:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeaaaaaaaaah no. I just realized how to have a carousel on farm. MUSIC BOX thingy jiggy.
(1:40:00 AM) Jeremy Castelle: What'd you tell me to say stop for then?
(1:40:01 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And what?
(1:41:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: http://images.marketworks.com/hi/55/548
(1:41:13 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and idk. so that I don't buy them all?
(1:41:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: seriously tho
(1:41:36 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I like this teeeeeeeeny tiny one http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0lm9
(1:41:43 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it has character
(1:42:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but, baby. did you fix that fence today?
(1:44:43 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Heh. Those are not exactly what I expected.
(1:44:49 AM) Jeremy Castelle: those are like the things little old ladies collect.
(1:45:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: not the last one. the last one is cute
(1:45:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And of course I did. After that back rub I was feeling extra productive.
(1:45:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah too bad we'll never use that air mattress again after Bear's claws sunk into it tho
(1:46:20 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Heh yeah. Whoops! Did you see how he jumped when it popped under him though? That was funny.
(1:46:47 AM) SJulianIgnacio: wish I had my videocam going for that one
(1:49:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: sooooooooooooooooooo, um, hmmmmmm. how's your back now?
(1:50:04 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Instant youtube popularity. Heh.
(1:50:15 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And it's great. I feel like a well-cooked noodle.
(1:52:42 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it always goes back to food doesn't it. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHA. I wonder if I can still find some baking classes around here now
(1:52:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: btw
(1:52:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: my class was very sad to see me go
(1:53:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: they had a little farewell party
(1:53:29 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Of course you can, it's France! You're nobody if you can't make a pastry.
(1:53:32 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And that's very sweet.
(1:55:50 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeaaaaaaah. so true. I should get a barret
(1:55:55 AM) SJulianIgnacio: hmm how do spell that
(1:56:00 AM) SJulianIgnacio: barrette?
(1:56:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: no
(1:56:04 AM) SJulianIgnacio: hmmm
(1:56:41 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Beret. and you don't need a beret to look French, baby.
(1:56:48 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Just a nose that sticks out further than your breasts. Eheheheh.
(1:57:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: well I'll never look French then. lol.
(1:57:29 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's ok. I have the name
(1:57:49 AM) SJulianIgnacio: your name
(1:58:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: which btw I wear quite well. and was the first moment I realized I not only could be someone new, but was someone new. even if I was still me. I felt like someone new
(1:58:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: damn did that even make sense?
(1:58:41 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I think so...?
(1:58:44 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You're lots of new things now.
(1:59:17 AM) Jeremy Castelle: but I think everyone here, so close to the border, can see that you're one of those juicy Italians.
(2:00:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I like that too. I like being close too. but mostly I like having your name. makes me feel like I"m part of you. I always wanted to be like you. but uhhhhhh, speaking of, been doing some geneology online, nothing too detailed major yet
(2:01:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: looks like going backwards isn't so hard with her name
(2:01:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: nor forwards for that matter
(2:01:55 AM) SJulianIgnacio: actually the forwards was easier
(2:02:20 AM) SJulianIgnacio: she's like so far back it get less documentation
(2:02:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and more heresay
(2:03:00 AM) Jeremy Castelle: How is that? She didn't have other kids, did she?
(2:04:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, actually she did. apparently so.
(2:04:18 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but she had MANY siblings
(2:04:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but just a thought
(2:04:29 AM) SJulianIgnacio: if she had kids
(2:04:38 AM) SJulianIgnacio: then why so desperate for beauty?
(2:04:42 AM) Jeremy Castelle: She had kids before you...
(2:04:48 AM) Jeremy Castelle: That's a good question.
(2:05:04 AM) Jeremy Castelle: She must have been a little older then, at least for the times. Maybe she was feeling that?
(2:05:21 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that might make sense
(2:09:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: can I ask you something
(2:09:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: So, what else did you find?
(2:09:30 AM) SJulianIgnacio: if you didn't know who your family was, would it affect your own identity? how you see yourself?
(2:09:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: do you think this matters?
(2:11:23 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Huh?
(2:11:43 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Of course families matter. they don't just pass things down by experience. They do it by genes too, by spirit.
(2:14:19 AM) SJulianIgnacio: mk. I just... I mean I've wondered this stuff for so long and I've still been me, at least I think I have, but then again I've changed so many times, and never know what I think of myself, I just... idk... started to think, should I really let this have so much wieght on me? You're my family
(2:16:23 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Oh I don't mean you won't be you. I mean, y ou may understand why you are what you are.
(2:27:13 AM) SJulianIgnacio: ok. I guess I get that. and you really think it makes a difference? if I've never known them?
(2:27:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I mean, uhhh
(2:27:36 AM) SJulianIgnacio: or maybe I'm just really reaching here... because
(2:28:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: well... I closed out the tab the minute I saw the word nazi under one of the obituaries
(2:28:35 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm ok. It just got me. I'm doing this
(2:30:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I understand.
(2:30:28 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You made amends though, and I do believe it. You carry your bloodline with you. It doesn't have to rule you... but it's with you.
(2:30:59 AM) Jeremy Castelle: There's just a half you maybe need to come to terms with now. I don't think you've ever had to get too deeply in touch with your human side.
(2:31:12 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Makes sense I guess, when the people around you tell you it's a handicap of sorts.
(2:32:14 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, maybe so. it's always been about angel or demons and heaven and hell.
(2:32:18 AM) SJulianIgnacio: not
(2:32:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: earth or people
(2:32:34 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I feel kinda alien
(2:33:32 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Heheh. I've kind of noticed.
(2:33:33 AM) Jeremy Castelle: But.
(2:34:03 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Don't forget that even angels and demons are about earth and people. if there were no humans, there would be no demons who disobeyed because of them, and no angels to be messengers to.
(2:36:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. I guess you're right. I might need your help on this one. I dont know what that help is yet. but I might. You know a lot about this stuff
(2:39:27 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Hmmmmm.
(2:39:33 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It depends on what you want out of it, I guess.
(2:41:59 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I mean, there are a lot of things to know about humans. How much and what you want to understand about them is what I'm looking for.
(2:47:15 AM) SJulianIgnacio: idk yet. I mean, it's not like I haven't lived among them. it's not like I don't know them. I know them well enough to have manipulated their minds for bad and pepped talked their ways to the good. But, still I feel different and not connected to that. so I'm just not sure.
(2:48:04 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont know why I feel so disconnected from all that
(2:48:53 AM) Jeremy Castelle: That's the difference. That you never thought of yourself as part of them, so you never necessarily needed to look for similarities?
(2:49:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah maybe so
(2:49:50 AM) SJulianIgnacio: even when you're going on about being human - I dont see it
(2:50:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you were a vampire. now you're a saint
(2:50:12 AM) SJulianIgnacio: neither seems human to me
(2:50:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you have gifts humans could never have
(2:50:37 AM) SJulianIgnacio: even now
(2:50:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you've always had immortality either way
(2:51:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: just like me
(2:51:12 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Not always. I wasn't born a vampire. You know that.
(2:51:20 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I was born a perfectly average human.
(2:51:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: i know. but
(2:51:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I just didn't really know you then
(2:51:46 AM) SJulianIgnacio: not really
(2:52:22 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No, but it was an important part of my life. My formative years as they say. Heh.
(2:52:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and even when I did meet you like that
(2:52:46 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I looked at you like this thing that I could never be.
(2:52:50 AM) SJulianIgnacio: jealous of it
(2:53:58 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I always wished I could be as ignorant as humans. meaning
(2:54:02 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Jealous? Is that so? What for, oh one of many and great powers?
(2:54:15 AM) SJulianIgnacio: not really knowing what happens after
(2:54:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: only faith to go on
(2:54:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: wich proves nothing
(2:54:36 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and ignorance is bliss
(2:55:14 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but hell no, I never wanted to just be human technically. I wouldn't want to lose my gifts
(2:55:30 AM) SJulianIgnacio: because I did know what was really out there to face
(2:56:37 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And yet isn't it funny that human faith frequently does that we struggle to do? Try to stay on the side of good and make it to heaven?
(2:58:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. I suppose you're right
(3:00:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it is sorta weird. I mean, I've always had a soft spot for people, even as a demon, but I still never saw it quite as having a soft spot for part of what i am, not exactly. I'm not sure how to explain it. oh well... Is this why you get so frustrated with me sometimes?
(3:03:03 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Heh. Maybe a little.
(3:03:15 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I just try to remember that despite your age and experience you've never seen this for yourself.
(3:03:22 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Felt what it's like not to be different from all of them.
(3:12:26 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Yeah. idk. always felt like an outsider looking in. never a part of it. ummmm baby? I dunno why I feel like saying this right now but I do. I'm sorry I keep running out. I just... it's a pattern. I've done that all my life too. I know we've been together for a long time now but seriously? 20 some odd years is nothing in comparison to the rest of my whole life doing the same habit since I can remember. my fight or flight response is very flight. I may be the type to charge in without a plan on gut instinct alone to take on the biggest and baddest if I have a cause, but no.. nope... I'm a runner. I've always been a runner. The moment anything went wrong I just up and changed aliases it was no big deal. but with us, there's no permanent run. I get scattered feeling cuz I don't know how to just make it go away. That's pretty much all I used to do. something hurts or bothers... just move along, and whatever that hurt was never has to be thought of again. And that's just not how it works anymore.
(3:12:30 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm sorry
(3:14:53 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah... thanks for saying that. I'm glad you realize that. I forgive you, baby. It's more important to me that you came back, since that means you haven't given up yet at least.
(3:15:32 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Maybe if you learn a little more about humans you'll see... not everyone can run, or wants to run. It's good to stick it out, too.
(3:15:47 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Part of that is loyalty. I value that.
(3:16:09 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's what I mean tho
(3:16:11 AM) SJulianIgnacio: like
(3:18:23 AM) SJulianIgnacio: when I leave I know I'm not really just LEAVING.. I could never just up and go... so running off even if it clears my mind and gives me time to think... it's the weirdest feeling, like so jittery. cuz it doesn't work the way it used to. I don't have the coping skills. this is all I've been taught. and it's a hard habit to break. even when I see in the middle of it, it's not working right
(3:18:46 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I feel very lost
(3:21:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Coping skills? Okay. Coping skills can be learned. If I may say... I think sometimes you're afraid of the end of an argument. You seem to cut out before we've actually made the final decision. Why is that?
(3:30:21 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm not sure I noticed I do that. but... now that I think on it.... I suppose I go when you say something that hurts so bad I just can't take it. that's when I go. when it cuts so deep and you dont even seem to notice like we're just talking about the weather still sometimes or having a logical discussion and I wonder if you even realize what you're doing to me. And I have to make it stop. what if the next thing I say back makes you say something worse? you already say things like you dont care, things that make me feel not good enough, or that you're done. It's self protective I suppose. when I get to a point you're not listening anymore, like your mind is determined to make me see something your way and there is no other way, or idk... any number of things... all I know is once the pain level hits the point I feel sick to my stomach or can't breathe or my chest feels like there is knives in it, I wonder why I didn't just stay in hell. sometimes I want to run to it. like at least their knives I can handle. they don't hurt you. whatever I'm doing wrong isn't hurting you there. I can take it from - I can handle pain - I learned endurance there. just not from you.
(3:30:52 AM) SJulianIgnacio: if it's you, no. your unhappiness is worse than any torture I've ever felt
(3:32:56 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont know how to stop it when I can't agree and you're so upset.
(3:33:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: me talking makes it worse
(3:33:41 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm just a fuck up that way
(3:34:06 AM) SJulianIgnacio: like everything that comes out of my mouth digs a deeper hole
(3:34:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: whether I'm honest
(3:34:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: or fib
(3:34:28 AM) SJulianIgnacio: or
(3:34:37 AM) SJulianIgnacio: just say whatever I think you want me to say
(3:34:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it never works
(3:34:57 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I don't know what I'm doing wrong and just have to go
(3:35:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: before my chest explodes
(3:35:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: because it seriously feels that way
(3:35:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: like idk... panic attacks or something
(3:35:57 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I feel stupid saying that, but I guess it's probably so
(3:40:29 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No, you're not stupid. I'm sorry I hurt you, baby. It's... sometimes I do that because I'm thinking something and I don't say anything about it for a long time, or I don't know how else to say it, and it just gets out of hand. I'm just angry. I want everything to be right so badly and when it's not it really affects me. I know it isn't fair to you.
(3:42:52 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Im sorry I just dont know how to stand there and take it. I dont. And I'm sorry I'm not making everything right for you. I try. I promise I do.
(3:44:12 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Im still just not good enough. I'm still trying. I wont stop. I promise
(3:46:23 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It's not you. Please don't say that.
(3:46:32 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Its.
(3:46:46 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I'm not used to situations that aren't black and white anymore.
(3:46:59 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And I'm used to it being my job to figure out what we should do.
(3:48:36 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Im not sure I understand.
(3:53:55 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I'm don't always remember how to deal with situations that don't have a right answer.
(3:54:12 AM) Jeremy Castelle: But I've always tried to be right for you, so I never lead you astray, because I knew you depend on me.
(3:55:48 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, but you are right for me
(3:55:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and you haven't led me astray
(3:56:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I do depend on you
(3:56:09 AM) SJulianIgnacio: still
(3:56:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's why it hurts so bad when I know i'm messing something up
(3:56:50 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I don't want to dissappoint you
(3:56:53 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I do
(3:57:03 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No you don't. Even if we disagree you don't disappoint me.
(3:57:10 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it seems like it
(4:01:20 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I love you
(4:01:39 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I love you. Please don't worry so much.
(4:01:57 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'll try