Who Jules and Jeremie What 2 AIM Chats from 2 different nights because Jules ran off and left the house like he does when he's upset and then came back the next day to talk again - There's a literal line drawn between the two days Warnings Language and arguing and adult topics Status Complete
(8:46:06 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I see you. (8:56:24 PM) SJulianIgnacio: oh can you (8:56:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: what do you see (9:02:46 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't know, but its making me hungry. ;) (9:03:04 PM) SJulianIgnacio: oh oh. you have a bottomless pit (9:03:09 PM) SJulianIgnacio: for a stomach (9:03:58 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Just when it comes to you and your cookies. (9:04:51 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. you should stalk me in the kitchen more often (9:05:27 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Should I? But you might ruin more food. (9:06:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm going to be luring you in with the aroma, I think I like knowing I beat the food this time (9:07:41 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well. Almost. They were still kind of cheque. (9:07:45 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Chewy (9:08:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah but that still came after. I won. (9:08:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: don't ruin my victory (9:12:27 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Victory, huh? (9:12:47 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Are you going to beat up the tractor next? Heheheh. (9:15:12 PM) SJulianIgnacio: What are you trying to say Remi-baby? lol. Cuz you are more than welcome to sleep in the shed without me... every night. (9:15:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: if that's what you really want (9:15:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: lol (9:15:57 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Wowww, Julesy-baby. You're jealous of inanimate objects. Hahaha (9:16:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Only when you look like you could beat off to them (9:16:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: lolol (9:17:27 PM) Jeremy Castelle: This sounds more serious than your sentence additions suggest lolololololololol (9:20:48 PM) SJulianIgnacio: wha? (9:21:05 PM) Jeremy Castelle: You really are jealous, aren't you? (9:21:55 PM) SJulianIgnacio: what? no. not really. I don't think. (9:22:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: well sometimes you push it (9:23:34 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I kind of don't believe you, and I think you are so silly for thinking food or a tractor could be better than you. (9:23:45 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I mean... It's a tractor!! (9:26:19 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Yeah, but baby. People go to Hell for falling to gluttony. It's not like food doesn't have that power. idk. Don't make fun. (9:26:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I was in Hell. I've seen what people fall for (9:26:47 PM) SJulianIgnacio: sorry (9:27:01 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and how consumed they can get (9:27:57 PM) Jeremy Castelle: But I would never do that. Baby. You don't have to worry. (9:30:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: ok. :) (9:30:47 PM) Jeremy Castelle: So (9:31:10 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Why aren't you worried that I'll fall to lust eh? (9:32:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: because I'm hot like that. (9:32:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and you're like a brainiac (9:32:32 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont seem the type (9:32:57 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Oh yeah? But we've done some craaaazy things. (9:33:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah with me (9:33:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: before that? you? not so much (9:34:27 PM) Jeremy Castelle: So? You're just a temptor that way. (9:34:55 PM) SJulianIgnacio: there's no body out there I'm worried about. you have me for cripes sake. (9:35:17 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but things that dont have what I have, things I can never be? (9:35:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that people fall to hell for (9:35:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's like (9:35:31 PM) SJulianIgnacio: different (9:36:23 PM) Jeremy Castelle: There's something you can never be? (9:36:30 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well. (9:36:33 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Then again. (9:36:58 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I'm thinking about you. Everything is pleasant. (9:37:24 PM) SJulianIgnacio: okkkkk (9:39:16 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Im not sure I like being thought of as pleasant (9:39:33 PM) Jeremy Castelle: No? (9:39:37 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's such a boring adjective (9:39:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont want to be boring (9:40:10 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Really? Hmm. (9:40:35 PM) SJulianIgnacio: guess i better do more to stir things up (9:40:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: heh heh heh (9:40:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I can do that (9:41:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Im disappointed in myself now (9:41:27 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Awwww, you shouldn't be disappointed, baby. You're so super hot. (9:41:53 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Though I would kind of like to see you do something you think I'll go crazy for. Eheh. (9:42:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: no I was thinking more along the lines of something that would drive you crazy. there's a difference (9:42:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (9:44:42 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Oh really? Why would you want to do that? (9:45:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Maybe I like that old face you used to get when we first met (9:45:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I miss it (9:46:02 PM) Jeremy Castelle: And what are you going to do to earn that? (9:46:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: idk yet. it'll come to me. Usually it works better when i dont plan things (9:46:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: my brain is genius like that (9:46:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: spontaneous (9:47:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I couldn't warn you first anyway (9:47:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's against how it works (9:48:31 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Heheh. That's your way of saying you don't know. (9:48:55 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I did say idk (9:49:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: read up there (9:49:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: lol (9:49:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's just (9:49:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yet (9:49:15 PM) SJulianIgnacio: tho (9:49:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but baby? (9:49:56 PM) SJulianIgnacio: how come we never went skydiving after that time you told me you jumped out of planes all the time (9:50:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: we haven't done everything there is to do yet (9:50:39 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Of course we haven't. And nice distraction from the topic. (9:51:01 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you just want me to jump out and say something crazy and that's just not how this works (9:51:18 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Maybe. I like seeing how your mind works. (9:51:51 PM) SJulianIgnacio: besides. I never drive you crazy online. I wouldn't see your face (9:52:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's totally a live action kinda thing (9:52:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: hahaha (9:52:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: If I dont see your face. it's just not worth it (9:53:48 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Are you sure its not just cause you're not sure you've got it anymore? (9:54:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: babe. I have no doubts in myself in this area (9:54:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: why are you trying to make me feel so is the more pertinent question (9:54:47 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I'm teasing you. (9:54:58 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Maybe I really want you to say something. (9:55:16 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's why you dont get it :P (9:55:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you never did understand the (9:55:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: beauty of impulsivity, especially in bed (9:55:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you always needed to talk stuff out first (9:56:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: like geeeeeeeez can you just not go with the flow here (9:56:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: always trying to ruin the sexy with knowing what's gonna happen first (9:56:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: not knowing IS the sexy (9:56:47 PM) SJulianIgnacio: following feeling. no plans (9:57:58 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Ah, but if you tell me, I use my brainiac brain to think about it for ages until you finally do it. Thinking about every little thing you're going to do. (9:58:03 PM) Jeremy Castelle: It's super hot. (10:02:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: ehhhhhhhhh. that's different than the surprise element tho. getting someone geared up and causing that rush of breath when they don't know and it consumes them, gahhhhh there is just nothing sexier in the world to me than that moment. I could live int that moment and never get off and I'd be completely satisfied. - plus it was always a trust thing. hottness in bed is trust and it always seemed you needed prewarnings like you're scared of wtf I'd do. some kind of bedroom etiquette you turned into a weird to-do list you have to check off instead of just feeling. that erases so much sexy. so I always had to work harder in the start to over compensate for you lack of (10:03:50 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Huh? I don't get it. I don't have a to-do list. (10:03:54 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I'm not scared. (10:07:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: like no. it's like the way you went about needing to know every little detail of everything before I did it. I dont know. It felt as sexy as a to-do list I should say maybe? There was just a time you really needed me to talk everything through before I did it. And it was always sorta like ... jesus christ? really? did you learn how to be with people from a book or online? like you had to talk through the steps of what being gay is and how to properly do things. Like in a very anatomical insert a to b type speech and that's not sexy. It was cute - dont get wrong. I love you, always have - but you had a weird phase babe. (10:09:48 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well ouch. That's kind of insulting. I don't think I did that. Not like that. I was learning things. (10:09:49 PM) Jeremy Castelle: That's not weird. (10:10:24 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to hurt you. really. you were learning. and I knew that. (10:11:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: there was a certain amount of cuteness to it. in an adorable way (10:11:56 PM) SJulianIgnacio: idk. I think maybe it's that scientific brain of yours (10:12:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you had to analyze everything (10:12:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but the body is meant to be felt (10:12:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: not categorized (10:12:35 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that connection (10:12:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: people have (10:12:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: we have (10:12:50 PM) SJulianIgnacio: inside those moments (10:13:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you're not like that so much anymore (10:13:52 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well, what a buzzkill. (10:14:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: arrg. I"m sorry (10:14:37 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you know you're everything to me right? in bed too (10:16:32 PM) Jeremy Castelle: You just sounded kind of smug there for a second. What's wrong with thinking about things? You're always so much about being yourself, but sometimes I think that's only as far as what's like you. (10:17:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: not true. you're getting defensive. not true or I wouldn't be with you. I'm not trying to knock your manhood there baby. (10:17:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I mean I beg for that shit. (10:17:52 PM) SJulianIgnacio: obviously that's not so (10:18:29 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well, I'm just saying. You sounded awfully superior for a second. I used to not do things your way but then I got better. (10:19:21 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and sorry but you were learning. What's so wrong with having a time I was trying to teach you something. You've taught me so much. (10:19:35 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you just dont like that I might have known more (10:19:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: this is irritating me now (10:19:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: calling me smug (10:19:57 PM) SJulianIgnacio: actually Im getting pissed off (10:20:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: why can't I have one thing? (10:20:18 PM) SJulianIgnacio: where you're not the super genius of all? (10:20:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's not a knock babe (10:20:32 PM) SJulianIgnacio: damn (10:20:34 PM) SJulianIgnacio: fuck this (10:22:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you've been doing an awful lot of name calling lately (10:22:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and it's starting to get to me (10:22:15 PM) SJulianIgnacio: really bad (10:24:59 PM) Jeremy Castelle: God, I wasn't thinking about being a super genius over you. But you've always been like that, telling me how unsexy my way of being was. Too brainy, thinking too much. You've said I make you feel bad about some things but you totally do it to me too. (10:25:36 PM) SJulianIgnacio: mhm. (10:27:58 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Whatever. I don't care right now. (10:29:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. fine. (10:29:34 PM) SJulianIgnacio: later then (10:30:58 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Later.
(10:50:47 PM) SJulianIgnacio: ?? u around (10:51:02 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Eeeyep. I'm here. (10:51:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Im upstairs. (10:51:48 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Oh, you're back? That's good. (10:52:12 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. taking a bath. I feel gross. (10:53:26 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Where were you staying that you feel gross? Actually no, its ok. I assume you did what you need to do. That's good. (10:53:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah I guess. ok (10:55:45 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Dinner is on the stove. I learned to make meatloaf. It's not bad. (10:58:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: oh. so you're gonna cook now too? (10:58:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: ok (10:59:18 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Yep. (10:59:37 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Im not hungry (10:59:58 PM) Jeremy Castelle: That's fine. (11:01:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you got everything under control I guess (11:01:50 PM) SJulianIgnacio: am I even needed here at all? (11:03:50 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well, you know. Even when you're not here things have to be done. What with two dozen animals and a kid and all that. But its ok. You can totally deal with feelings in the way that's best for you. I got it. (11:05:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: things got done when we weren't here at all. she's your potato anyway. (11:05:45 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Wow, really? She's mine? (11:06:21 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. you're the one attached to her like "she's one of our own" - when I backed my feelings off. (11:06:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: she probably likes you better now anyway (11:07:21 PM) Jeremy Castelle: What the fuck? Since when do you think kids like one parent better than the other? (11:07:35 PM) Jeremy Castelle: And I started having feelings because that's what you wanted! (11:08:04 PM) SJulianIgnacio: idk. I don't think that about our kids. (11:08:21 PM) SJulianIgnacio: potato just has me all... wacked out that's all. (11:08:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I couldn't decide what I was supposed to feel about her (11:08:48 PM) SJulianIgnacio: after all the stuff you were saying (11:11:12 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well, spend some time with her and decide now. (11:12:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah I suppose so. (11:15:49 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Good then. (11:17:31 PM) SJulianIgnacio: jeremie (11:17:38 PM) Jeremy Castelle: What? (11:17:55 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't get rid of this feeling in my stomach (11:18:12 PM) SJulianIgnacio: going away didn't help (11:18:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's still here (11:18:36 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Not surprised. Not dealing with your problems usually does that. (11:19:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I guess. but usually, I come up with an answer (11:19:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont see an answer (11:19:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it usually helps acutally (11:20:34 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah well. It never helps me. (11:20:34 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I run to you every time you need it and give you anything you want but when I need you, you ditch me. (11:20:57 PM) Jeremy Castelle: So good for you. (11:21:49 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but why would you run to me if I'm the one that's your problem. (11:22:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: doesn't that cloud your thoughts? (11:22:48 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Because that's how this marriage thing works. Jesus. It doesn't matter what the problem is, we do it together. But I just spent the night alone so, great. After I was told how unsexy I am anyway. (11:23:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: no. I told you about a phase you had I told you it was kind of adorable. you pulled all the negative and didn't see the good I loved about it. (11:24:50 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Because the good sounded kind of fake when the only way to be good at this is to be like you. But I don't care. I can't help it so whatever. (11:25:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: damn. you don't care. ok. yeah. got it. (11:25:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: nevermind then. I'll shut up (11:27:12 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Hey, that's how all last night was so why should I be surprised? You didn't want to talk to me about it last night, or try to encourage me, or even try to have that uncomfortable talk where its great to be different but you need this and this. (11:27:51 PM) Jeremy Castelle: So... I'm not expecting anything. Glad you're home. Glad you're safe. Do whatever you need to do. (11:30:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: oh. so I see. you have a certain ending you expect me to say. and my return is just whatever. got it. I'm scared to encourage you anyway. You already sound so much more superior than me all the time. You act like I'm the cocky smug one. But, you have no idea the low self-esteem you can drill oh saint of the people. I'll bow fucking down. (11:36:21 PM) Jeremy Castelle: And how is that? Because every time I've ever had something to say about some way you are I end up taking it back so you can do whatever it is anyway. I can't see how I'm the superior one when you never seem to listen when I ask for something, but will do all kinds of things I don't ask you to do and then make me feel bad that you hated it! (11:39:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: so are you taking shit back just to humor me now? how fucking fake is this relationship anyway? I thought we were the real deal? And I don't ever listen? YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ok. that's an exaggeration. Listening to you is how I got where I am today. You even admitted the other day there was some magic in me cowing down and being little Mr. Nothing to look up to you with my big blue fucking eyes for something better. Now that I'm confident in myself you just dont like it (11:41:54 PM) Jeremy Castelle: No, I'm taking shit back because if I don't you shut down and won't talk to me like an adult anymore, or you get pissed off and do it anyway. And if this is confident in yourself then just wow. You can't stand to have me pay attention to anything other than you and you stomp off on the least provocation. That sounds confident. (11:42:57 PM) SJulianIgnacio: stop please. just stop (11:43:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I hate when you get like this (11:43:31 PM) Jeremy Castelle: The feeling is mutual. (11:44:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I wish I could just die sometimes (11:44:09 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I really do (11:44:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I hate that I know what happens after. (11:44:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: sometimes I just really wish everything would just (11:44:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: end (11:44:47 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't even want to hear that. (11:45:16 PM) SJulianIgnacio: sorry (11:45:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm just being honest (11:46:39 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Why, Jules? Why do you give up so easily? It's like you can't stand to see a problem through so all this shit happens. (11:48:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't stand pain. especially when it hurts really hard. I just want it to go away (11:49:45 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well, its not going to like that. (11:50:28 PM) Jeremy Castelle: You say you listen to me all the time, but I don't think you trust me. Otherwise, you wouldn't turn away from me when you were in pain. (11:50:47 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, not when you're the cause of it (11:51:30 PM) Jeremy Castelle: You're so worried about keeping score. I can't believe that's even a thing. Whos right more often. Who is closer to the baby. Who gets their way more. God. (11:51:53 PM) SJulianIgnacio: score? (11:51:55 PM) SJulianIgnacio: wtf? (11:52:09 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's retarded (11:52:25 PM) Jeremy Castelle: "Let me have one thing." "Potato likes you more." (11:52:33 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah, it is retarded. (11:54:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: ok. I'm going to bed. You can find me there if you want in my pink room. I can't do this. Not like this. I can't listen to you be this mean. I love you. I'm sorry whatever I said about some phase you had has hurt you so much that you feel the need to hurt me now. you win. (11:54:32 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I never meant to hurt you (11:57:38 PM) Jeremy Castelle: It's not a fucking phase, it's me! If I'm not sexy enough for you when I'm being myself, don't fucking have sex with me. I'm sick of trying to be what you want in bed. Gotta be more spontaneous, gotta keep you entertained, can't talk about anything. Well I don't want to. If YOU want to spend time with ME, actual me, I'm here as always. (11:58:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's the saddest thing I've ever heard come from your mouth (11:59:28 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well I'm tired. (4/25/2012 12:01:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I don't need you to try and impress me. I never have. Just because I try to have some fun with you my way too, doesn't mean you were ever anything less than perfect to me. even when I'm asking for things. Why would I be with you? All this time? I could get absolutely anyone on this planet, I know it. (12:01:43 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I want you. why doesn't this... make you feel special in the least (12:03:35 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Because all you ever talk about is the shit I won't do, or the things you have me trained to do. I'm doing SO much better now at not reacting the way I would naturally, and reacting like you instead. (12:04:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: all I ever talk about? wow. (12:04:59 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You never even asked me if I see it that way. If I even like that. You barely care that I don't like some of the things you ask me to do. (12:05:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I think I'm gonna end up getting sick again. this shit gets me too upset, you're everything to me. and that's a lie. I can't believe you think that. You always overlook everything I do for you and see only the things you dont (12:06:06 AM) SJulianIgnacio: like about me (12:06:13 AM) SJulianIgnacio: which is fucking sad (12:06:23 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's there's anything to begin with (12:06:28 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but damn. (12:06:49 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I sacrificed years and years of my life to do every little thing YOUR way (12:06:51 AM) Jeremy Castelle: What if I mooned around drawing little devil horns on smiley faces and started hinting at that you were better in bed during a miserable time in your life? (12:08:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and actually you do do that (12:08:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: a lot (12:08:08 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No. No I don't. (12:08:11 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah you do (12:08:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: quite often (12:08:52 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No. I have never pressed you to do anything you didn't want back from your past. If you didn't want it, it stayed put away. (12:09:53 AM) SJulianIgnacio: teasing things like I just dont "have it anymore" I'm too much of a dad now, I'm old, all sorts of things that make me think you miss the old me. (12:09:56 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it all hurts (12:11:17 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I wasn't talking about the old you. Not that you. I was teasing you. (12:11:35 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont like it and that's what it makes me feel either way (12:12:32 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Fine, I'm sorry, but calling you old because we've been together for 20+ years and we are different now is a far cry from asking you to go back to being a demon. (12:13:31 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Not like how you used to badger me about biting so that I had to try it multiple times before I ever got a break, and every time you'd pout and try to convince me of what I was missing, and then even had the gall to bring it back now. (12:14:37 AM) SJulianIgnacio: like you didn't have a phase where you wanted me to do to you what I did to others (12:14:48 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you're being a hippocrit (12:15:06 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you wanted to know and it turned into a big thing for a long time actually (12:16:20 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I never. Ever. Badgered you about it. Have I even mentioned it since you said no? I wanted to be open to all parts of you because that's what you seemed to want but when you said no, what did we do? Didn't we find something else to do? (12:18:43 AM) Jeremy Castelle: There's the difference, Jules. Nothing in me would ever seriously act like you were crushing my world if you said you didn't want something. And yet you have acted like I deprive you of something vital when I assert my own limits. (12:18:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and hello. badgered? yeah, actually it was a pretty heavy feeling back then because it would just keep coming back up. And even now, when you're looking for some spark I apparently dont have anymore - i think you're looking for something in me that is just gone (12:19:06 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I didn't bother you for a long time about the teeth thing for YEARS (12:19:21 AM) SJulianIgnacio: thoughts started to sift back in after this saint change (12:19:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I was honest about missing those days (12:19:38 AM) SJulianIgnacio: sorry (12:19:42 AM) SJulianIgnacio: didn't know I was a badger (12:20:17 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It never should have come back at all. You saw how miserable I was, how much I hated myself when I did it. How could you miss that? (12:21:15 AM) Jeremy Castelle: But all you ever had to say that it was due to my confidence and I would just like it if I got in touch with myself. (12:21:31 AM) Jeremy Castelle: That my entire concept of whether or not it was me was wrong. (12:21:40 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And if I just embrace it I would have fun! (12:24:34 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah well at the time, there was no way to no to know you were gonna be a saint someday, and embracing what you were was simple concept to me as a demon. I had to think that way otherwise I couldnt' get through a day in my own skin (12:26:05 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Fair enough if it helped you, but not me. The only way I survived as long as I did was by not letting it define me. And so when that personality is the one you say is intimately tied to your ability to feel passionate yeah I am insulted. (12:27:10 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I could love you if you refused to do anything ever again but lay there like a brick. I'm just happy its you. But I have to shut my brain off and not be me or you don't feel appreciated. (12:29:12 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Well sorry. I can try all kinds of things with you. I can be spontaneous or silly or passionate or whatever you want. But I can't not be my human self. (12:30:39 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm not asking for more than that (12:30:53 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm not even sure how all this stuff came into play tonight (12:31:38 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Because it pissed me off like nothing else to hear that you thought my thinking nature - my identity - was a hindrance in bed. (12:33:29 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it was? in a way. but that wasn't meant to hurt you so deeply. I mean, I know I was my own hindrence in bed to you over the vampire stuff. that's why I don't go there. (12:34:14 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it was just talk. (12:34:19 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I.. think... (12:34:21 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that (12:34:32 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I didn't realize how deep it would go. just like (12:34:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont realize how deep you hit me sometimes (12:36:05 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You've never even asked me if I want what you want me to be. Do I want to be spontaneous and spiritual in bed and all of that? (12:37:20 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah I have. actually I have. and you said you wished you could have what I have in me. you said it a long time ago (12:38:20 AM) Jeremy Castelle: That's a lot different from realizing its not you. I'm never going to be like you. I don't hate it. But I can't do it. (12:39:32 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I'm still learning about myself and I know you've tried to help me a lot. But I'm realizing that some things were fine as they were. (12:40:35 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah ok. you dont have to be like me. sigh. fine. things were fine. and this is wonderful then. you basically just told me you don't want bed to be spiritual. (12:40:39 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's so (12:40:43 AM) SJulianIgnacio: unbeautiful (12:40:58 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I think I wanna cry (12:41:33 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I thought things were fine too. Why can't you see that being the way I am is perfectly spiritual to me? (12:41:52 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you didn't say that (12:42:33 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You have this way of being spiritual I can never seem to get right. I'm never relaxed enough or I'm always thinking too much. It's like a damn yoga pose I can never get. (12:43:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: It's ok baby. can you just... not worry about it (12:43:30 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Well, know what? I think watching the parts of a plan execute perfectly is very spiritual. If you want surprise I don't have to tell you what that is. But I can't help thinking. (12:43:41 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah ok (12:44:26 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't like when you say that because it means you're saying that just to make me stop. (12:44:38 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Im just letting you be you (12:44:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's what you want isn't it? (12:44:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Im trying here (12:45:17 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Don't go on being all sad and acting like I deprive you of life or I will really go nuts. (12:47:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Im not. I'm just trying to give you what you want here. I dont get you? I can't win. I try to share with you things I feel and you dont like it. OK fine. you're openly telling me you dont like it. and are done trying for me. I get it. yet you're getting upset when I'm trying to keep doing it your way. How do I ever win here? (12:47:59 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It's not really winning if you resent it. (12:48:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: k (12:51:50 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You know what? I feel like this is still unsolved because I don't know if you actually understand or just want me to stop. (12:52:19 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I just want you happy. (12:52:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'll do whatever that is (12:52:32 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't want that. (12:53:06 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I want you to listen to me and I don't care if you disagree or agree. I want you to show that you understood. (12:54:11 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I am never going to be really happy about this until I know you understand why I was upset. I will keep having the urge to verbally hit you with it. (12:56:23 AM) SJulianIgnacio: well that's mean too. I'm tired of crying. My eyes hurt. - what do you want? me to explain what all this was to show you? uhhh. I get it, you see sex different from me and both ways are fine. and you're done trying to please me. is that enough? (12:58:12 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No. It's not that I'm done trying to please you. I'm tired of believing you think the way I like things is inferior whether we do it my way or not. I'm tired of you looking down on my way of doing things as less open and sexy than yours. (12:58:29 AM) SJulianIgnacio: ok (12:58:38 AM) SJulianIgnacio: fine. they're just as sexy (12:58:43 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I would be a lot happier doing things for you if you didn't insist that my way was boring. (12:58:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: better? (12:59:15 AM) SJulianIgnacio: ? (12:59:34 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Do you mean it? (1:01:14 AM) SJulianIgnacio: not really. when I find it so much sexier when you try to open yourself more and you get this look in your eyes and now that you're alive agian this flush in your cheeks that's just different that when you do it your way. I get extra into it when you're trying (1:01:42 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it makes me feel special that you care enough to try (1:01:50 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and that's a beautiful thing (1:02:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's not about doing it right or a certain way (1:02:21 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's about being open. Just like, I really do enjoy your way too. honest (1:02:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I just (1:02:43 AM) SJulianIgnacio: idk... that's me opening up to your way too. I guess you just dont see (1:02:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's my efforts for you (1:02:57 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but then again (1:03:16 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you never were so good at seeing it when I try to do things for you (1:03:29 AM) SJulianIgnacio: too overpowered with how selfish you always think I am (1:04:27 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It bugs me that you ever think I'm not trying. (1:04:45 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't even know what you want anymore. (1:05:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you told me yourself you're done (1:05:19 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I said fine (1:05:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it'll be all your way from now on. (1:05:39 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I don't know what you want (1:05:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: either (1:05:43 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You didn't mean it. (1:06:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah I do. I'll just shut up. just like I used to (1:06:14 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can do it again (1:06:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I love you (1:06:18 AM) Jeremy Castelle: That's sick. (1:06:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: ? (1:06:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: It helped you get through years (1:06:57 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I guess you still need it (1:06:57 AM) Jeremy Castelle: If that's what it seriously comes to I don't want to do anything right now. (1:07:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it just worked better when you didnt realize (1:07:36 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I was doing so much for you (1:07:46 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I didn't ask you to! (1:08:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: no, but what would you have done in those years onthe farm? if I'd have jumped up and ran off everyday to this club and that club and kept on about being bitten and such (1:08:28 AM) SJulianIgnacio: come on (1:08:48 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I did what was right. for you. I loved you. you were suffereing (1:08:56 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You would let me basically use you?? (1:09:06 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Without even knowing. (1:09:12 AM) SJulianIgnacio: use me? (1:09:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I loved you. no. (1:09:53 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I can't even think. To imagine that you were just doing whatever I wanted no matter what. (1:12:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I only cared for your happiness and even in the middle of that time I'd sometimes get an idea you'd freak out on and I'd back off quick. You were so scared of losing what we had. I would never have tried to make things harder on you. and still I got the - I pay all the bills treatment when I did actually buy something once in a while on a shopping spree with the pta ladies or something. I'd feel so guilty even when I'd do that. You have no idea. (1:12:46 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you'd see anything I did for myself as selfish (1:13:04 AM) SJulianIgnacio: when I changed my whole existence for you (1:13:39 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and it hurts to think a little effort in bed sometimes on my behalf kills you that much. but if it does, and obviously it does (1:13:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I will never ask it again (1:13:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't do it anymore (1:14:10 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you're pain isn't worth mine (1:14:15 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can handle it (1:14:20 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's what I was built for (1:16:56 AM) Jeremy Castelle: That is so out of proportion. You didn't buy "something", you bought a ton. That's not even fair. I don't even know anymore. This is all wrong. (1:17:11 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't want you like this. I didn't ask you to do this. (1:17:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you don't want me. (1:17:50 AM) SJulianIgnacio: o (1:17:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: k (1:18:38 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't want you to just do things for me like this! (1:19:29 AM) Jeremy Castelle: We went wrong somewhere. We went really wrong. Suddenly nothing is genuine. Why? (1:21:04 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but it is. that's called sacrifice. but it's a strange thing when you love someone. it's not really like sacrifice at all. I would do anything for you. If that's not a genuine feeling I dont know what is. and it used to be you would too. I think the only thing going wrong is you're changing. (1:21:10 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and now you dont want me (1:21:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I'll go (1:21:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: if that's what you really want (1:21:39 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I wont stay just to cause you pain (1:21:42 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I wont (1:21:42 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I want you! But I want YOU! I don't want sacrifice. (1:22:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you sacrifice for me all the time. for the whole family (1:22:15 AM) SJulianIgnacio: what would you say if I said STOP stop protecting us (1:22:21 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's ridiculous (1:22:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I love you for it (1:22:29 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and you hate me for helping (1:22:35 AM) SJulianIgnacio: GOD MY EYES (1:22:38 AM) Jeremy Castelle: To stay alive. Not to get by day to day and grease our relationship. (1:24:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you see it too plainly. if me giving you everything you ever wanted to the best of my abilities anyway is just greasing the day by day then I have failed - massively and I think I just wanna die. I think ... fuck.... ummm (1:24:08 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I think (1:24:11 AM) SJulianIgnacio: fuck (1:24:12 AM) SJulianIgnacio: umm (1:24:16 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't do this (1:24:38 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you're pissing all over everything I've put my whole heart and soul into (1:24:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I (1:24:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: gotta (1:24:46 AM) SJulianIgnacio: idk (1:24:48 AM) SJulianIgnacio: fuck (1:25:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: my mother fucking eyes. ummm I just gotta go now (1:25:13 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I wish I had known. I'm so sorry. Oh Jules, wait. (1:26:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I didn't want anything that would have been wrong for you. Please don't make me think you've been doing that to make me happy. (1:27:39 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I was worried. When you adjusted so easily to this kind of life but never complained, and when things were so oddly quiet, and just... It never seemed like you. I was and still am really confused. (1:31:20 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Jules. (1:31:32 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Hey. (1:34:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah? (1:35:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Im here (1:35:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: being there for you IS everything I am. (1:35:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm sorry if that's offensive (1:35:42 AM) SJulianIgnacio: or wrong (1:37:19 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I love that life. Look at me needing to be here so badly (1:37:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: how in the world can this NOT be me? (1:37:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I mean.. what? I'm not the person I was a demon? (1:37:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: see you do it all the time and you dont see it (1:38:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: telling me I'm not being myself when I am (1:38:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I AM (1:38:11 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and you're not satisfied (1:38:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and that kills me inside (1:38:41 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I know exactly what you feel when you tell me to just love you for you (1:38:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you have NO idea how much I know what that is (1:39:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I'm scared to death right now (1:39:19 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't stop my hands from shaking. I feel like... you never... (1:39:23 AM) SJulianIgnacio: fuck (1:39:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: idk (1:43:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I think I'll go crawl my unconfident ass under a rock now (1:44:46 AM) Jeremy Castelle: How much did you give away, Jules? Do I know you as well as I thought I did? Because if not, I don't want to go on that way. If you're being yourself I want to know, just like I want you to know and appreciate me. I want that because I do love you. So much. And I'm so shaken by what you've just admitted. I couldn't even breathe for a minute, I couldn't believe you would do that for me. But I want you to give some to yourself too. I feel really wrong thinking you gave it all away for me. (1:47:23 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I didnt' "give it away" I gave myself to you (1:47:46 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I"ll just go. I can't hear you say one more thing like that (1:47:52 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont want to go on (1:47:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: It hurts too bad (1:48:08 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I hate this pain (1:48:15 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No, its not like that! I don't mean that. (1:49:39 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I mean, I don't want to keep going with you giving me everything. I want you to have some for yourself too. (1:50:11 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Listen, I would never just leave you. So don't think that. (1:50:49 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And I'm sorry I was in too much of a mess to notice what you were doing before. (1:51:28 AM) Jeremy Castelle: The sentiment and the way you feel is really beautiful. I can hardly find myself worthy of that kind of treatment. (1:52:01 AM) Jeremy Castelle: But I need you to know that you don't have to trade my happiness for yours. (1:53:00 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I want to feel like we really know each other, not just where we've agreed to meet. Not just what goes smoothly. (1:55:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but you are. You're worth everything that I am. You are to me. - You said it yourself the other day arguing about stacey and her learning to not be herself. (1:55:14 AM) SJulianIgnacio: why would you want to teach that to her (1:55:23 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that others might need her more than herself (1:55:34 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and not be proud if I do the same (1:57:15 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I can't say anything about that. I had no idea. (1:59:26 AM) SJulianIgnacio: You needed me. I wanted to give myself to you. And I enjoyed my life. I thought you did too (2:00:19 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I did need you. But I wanted you to be happy too. Not just... Happy I'm happy. That's not the same. (2:01:11 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I wanted us to want things equally and agree. I don't want you to just agree with me because you think I would like that. (2:01:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but if I dont agree. and I go on for too long not agreeing or wanting something that isn't you or whatever... you eventually get really mean. (2:02:12 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't let that go on (2:02:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's not worth it to me (2:02:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: nothing is (2:03:10 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't think I'm unreasonable. I mean for you to explain yourself and for us to find the right answer. (2:03:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: ok. (2:05:02 AM) Jeremy Castelle: That's not important to me right now though. Right now I kind of want to see the extent of this. How much you just agree with me on. (2:05:47 AM) SJulianIgnacio: how are you gonna figure that out (2:06:05 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't know. Suggestion? (2:07:04 AM) SJulianIgnacio: idont want to (2:07:12 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Why not? (2:07:20 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you might not like me anymore (2:07:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I'll die (2:07:33 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It's a lot. Isn't it; (2:07:35 AM) Jeremy Castelle: ? (2:08:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I thought it was called comprimise (2:08:11 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but apparently its' not (2:08:43 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah. Some of it is. But compromise can be unbalanced too when you never even say what you want. (2:09:08 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you tell me I talk too much of what I want as it is (2:09:22 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And how can I be happy thinking you might just do everything because I want it? You won't even know me then, either. (2:09:30 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I feel like I'm constantly being called selfish (2:09:36 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No, baby. That was a long time ago. (2:09:37 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I refuse to ask for me (2:09:39 AM) SJulianIgnacio: more* (2:09:58 AM) SJulianIgnacio: no it's serioulsy gone on as long as I can remember (2:10:39 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Well, I didn't know what else you were doing. You never told me. That makes a difference, doesn't it? (2:11:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I guess. no not really (2:11:06 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it doesn't (2:11:11 AM) SJulianIgnacio: because (2:12:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: even if you didn't know every little thing I did just for you. there was plenty right in front of your eyes, but you were so consumed with yourself (not that I ever called you selfish or anything) that you just plain didn't notice (2:12:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Im used to it tho (2:12:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's just how you are (2:13:10 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont mind so much (2:13:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: until you get mad (2:13:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: then it hits me (2:16:27 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Okay. I understand. I'm sorry, my love. I don't want this to end here. I want to figure something out to where this isn't happening. You don't have to go through this. We can be different.