Who Jules and Jeremie Charbonneau Type AIM Chat When April 18th What That damn animal sandwich debate came up yet again. But, this time it might have actually been resolved. Warnings Bickering like the old married couple they are, language Status Complete
(9:36:45 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Kissssssssssss, ma petite souris. (9:39:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: aww. you letting me wear the ears again? (9:41:00 PM) Jeremy Castelle: What could stop you? (9:41:42 PM) Jeremy Castelle: look (9:41:42 PM) Jeremy Castelle: http://www.loveandflour.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/SAM_4710_Edited.jpg (9:42:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's desperately cute (9:42:47 PM) Jeremy Castelle: it's chocolate. (9:42:48 PM) SJulianIgnacio: why are you showing me that (9:42:56 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm so confused (9:43:02 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Why are you confused? (9:43:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I mean... it's cute food. animal shapes (9:43:19 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you used to yell at me for stuff like that (9:43:30 PM) Jeremy Castelle: that was before it tasted good. (9:44:59 PM) SJulianIgnacio: so, you take it all back? (9:45:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: everything you said (9:45:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: about me (9:45:38 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well. (9:45:43 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't necessarily crave cute food. (9:45:49 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I just thought you'd think it was funny. (9:46:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: well yeah I do. I just got yelled at so bad and was made to feel so horrible about a little bit of cute fun with stacey that... idk... I never thought you'd joke with me the same way me and stacey do (9:46:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm just really surprised (9:47:43 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Mmmh... what we do at home is one thing. (9:47:53 PM) Jeremy Castelle: At that time I was mostly concerned that Stacey take school seriously. (9:48:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, here we go again. nevermind. I got my hopes up too high just now. (9:48:18 PM) SJulianIgnacio: ok (9:48:52 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I really wish you'd learn it's ok to show family love with your personality no matter where you are (9:48:53 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but ok (9:49:02 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I still don't get what the upset is over that. Why is that such a bad thing? To want the kids to treat school formally? (9:50:04 PM) SJulianIgnacio: It doesn't really matter now does it? I mean our kids were tattooed freaked with piercings in high school. and yet you were worried about formality of a animal sandwiches. (9:50:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you really never saw your own whole picture (9:50:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's fine I dont want to argue again (9:50:36 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you just caught me off gaurd just now that's all (9:50:49 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I was trying to do something nice for you. :P (9:51:05 PM) Jeremy Castelle: And I was never positive about the piercings and tattoos at their ages either but they all insisted. (9:51:34 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah and you let let them. but I got the stern finality over animal sandwiches (9:51:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: as if I was corrupting them (9:52:10 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Maybe I felt like after all that happened I had been losing ground for a while. Like nobody was really listening after that event. (9:52:36 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's because it was a little ridiculous as much as we tried to respect your opinions. (9:52:57 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and it hurt enough to make this moment right now a little surprising (9:53:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that one left a little scar thats all (9:53:43 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I bring it up to show you it's not YOU I'm against. I'm for your personality and I love you. But the kids did some things way too young. (9:54:35 PM) SJulianIgnacio: oh please baby? Don't say that. I mean seriously. Look at them now. We done good. They turned out beautiful. (9:55:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but thank you. I think I'd just be happier with the moment if I realized you weren't ashamed to show off mice kisses in public instead of just between us. (9:55:52 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's like... idk... (9:56:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: just (9:56:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: something (9:56:09 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Who else has to see? Why do I want to include some other person on my intimate moment? (9:56:19 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's not about needing them to see (9:56:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's about the fact you care that they do (9:56:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: there's a line (9:56:41 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Some things I'd rather do just with you. (9:57:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. I know. but you pushed your insecurities on me and stacey (9:57:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: so now there's a little tiny hurt spot still left about that sort of thing (9:57:51 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I"m glad you're trying though :) (9:57:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I love you (9:58:21 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I pushed my insecurities on you? (9:58:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah you did (9:58:32 PM) Jeremy Castelle: How stuck-up. (9:58:50 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Your spontaneous style is not superior to mine. (9:59:19 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's not about style, but thanks for name calling. you tried to make me feel like I was doing something wrong back then (9:59:34 PM) SJulianIgnacio: so basically fuck you right now for calling me that (9:59:58 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well fuck you for boiling it down to my insecurities, as if I had no intellectual point to what I was saying. (10:00:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't do this (10:00:30 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Not that you noticed though, since you take everything personally. there's no objective or intellectual value to trying to be grown-up at school. (10:00:58 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I think the kids turned out fine. even with secret sandwiches (10:01:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: so whatever (10:01:09 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm going out (10:01:53 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah, there you go again. walking away on a conversation. (10:02:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you called me stuck up because I pointed out something you dont care to admit and hurt me bad a long time ago. so frankly IDC. (10:03:01 PM) Jeremy Castelle: You assume there was anything to admit. (10:03:09 PM) Jeremy Castelle: And belittled any possible point that I was trying ot make. (10:03:33 PM) Jeremy Castelle: You only saw one thing: I disagreed with you, therefore I must not be as secure and open-minded as you. (10:05:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, well you're not as open minded as me, but you're more secure in stances than anyone I know. stubborn to a fault that your concerns however valid some of the concerns might be that there's a chance even with the validity that there was still other ways that could be fine. fine and fucking dandy (10:05:51 PM) SJulianIgnacio: so dont go there. (10:11:47 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well I wasn't aiming for "fine". I was hoping to teach a lesson about discipline I felt like ended up undermined. Something might be fun, sure, but if I'm the papa and I say don't, then don't. Don't do it in secret, don't get all upset that I said not to, just don't. Depending on what it is, find a more appropriate time or wait till you're older. (10:13:48 PM) Jeremy Castelle: However you may have all thought of it, I didn't just disagree arbitrarily. I thought about the situations at hand and what would be best. Papa was not retarded. (10:15:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah ok. (10:15:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: are we done now? (10:15:52 PM) Jeremy Castelle: No. It bothers me that you thought so little of my judgment. (10:16:12 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I so KNOW THE FEELING.. LIKE SO HARD... (10:16:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: heh. you dont even see it (10:16:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: the way you seem to be saying you feel. you didn't see you did it to me first (10:16:47 PM) SJulianIgnacio: belittled me first (10:17:15 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I asked you not to do something and you made it personal. (10:17:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it is personal (10:17:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you're just blind (10:17:41 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah, there we go with that again. (10:18:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: are we done now? (10:18:55 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Has anything actually changed? (10:19:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: not at all. (10:19:41 PM) Jeremy Castelle: then not really. (10:20:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: sorry I just can't have fun with you with this kind of thing. not when you hurt my feelings so bad over it the first time (10:20:59 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't interject all that often. For the most part I left you guys and your personal expression alone. But the few times I do? You act like my brain has suddenly left the building. Really? My judgment means that much? (10:21:15 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah it does (10:21:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it means a lot (10:22:46 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Then you could have shown it. All it would have taken was "Fine, I may not get what the problem is with this but I see it means a lot to you so we'll make grown-up lunches for school." That would have ruined your entire world? (10:22:47 PM) SJulianIgnacio: why can't you just admit it's ok to have to a little fun with silly food (10:23:17 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and it doesn't matter when it where. it's just fucking food and it's fucking fun and its' just something cute to show love (10:23:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: why is that a big fucking deal to you (10:23:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: this whole thing really is retarded actually (10:23:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that you care so much to continuously press the issue even now (10:24:01 PM) SJulianIgnacio: when you see it caused no harm in the end (10:24:28 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Because it was handled disrespectfully and that bothered me. (10:24:52 PM) Jeremy Castelle: It does matter when and where. there are times for seriousness and putting aside your emotions. (10:25:03 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Sometimes your emotions are not the most important thing in a situation. (10:26:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you told me I was going to make it so our kids didn't know how to handle themselves in the real world over a sandwich and could basically get themselves killed - you got completely ridiculous - and this seriously.. wasn't the time for such seriousness. you were just too prideful to let it go (10:26:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you see NOTHING happened and you still can't let it go (10:26:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: talk about disrespect (10:28:22 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah that's where we disagree, because I do see school as a privilege and a preparation for times when seriousness is going to be necessary. I would have liked for the kids to practice that attitude instead of learning to LIE to me. (10:29:31 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah well, whatever. are we done now? cuz honestly? I just dont want to do this (10:30:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and this is one you'll have to live with the differences in our parental techniques (10:30:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: cuz it's never gonna die (10:31:10 PM) Jeremy Castelle: So what about Potato, and this new future baby? Is it going to be the same way? If papa says no just ask daddy who will probably say yes and teach you how to keep papa from knowing? (10:31:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: actually I changed my mind. I dont even want to have another kid (10:31:16 PM) SJulianIgnacio: tthis is irritating (10:31:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont want be made to feel like a piece of shit all over again (10:31:41 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah, no kidding it's irritating. (10:32:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I"m just going to bed. somewhere. idk... outside (10:32:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: with the horses. orsomething. idk (10:32:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't stand feeling like this (10:32:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it makes everything in me fucking hurt (10:33:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: just... stop ok? I can't take it (10:33:52 PM) Jeremy Castelle: You know what? I'm pressing you because I want to get you to say that you were wrong to let Stacey lie to me about it. And that it went unresolved and she was never brought to understand. (10:36:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont think it's wrong to stand up to those that try to oppress you. sorry (10:36:31 PM) SJulianIgnacio: even if that's a parent. trust me I lived it (10:37:29 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Wow, I oppressed my kids? really? (10:37:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I knew you were gonna go there (10:37:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: heh (10:37:43 PM) Jeremy Castelle: What you call oppressing I call acknowledgment that kids can't make their own decisions reliably just yet. (10:37:59 PM) SJulianIgnacio: sorry I had more faith in my kids than you did (10:38:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: my bad (10:40:12 PM) Jeremy Castelle: That's rather sentimental. We didn't have a lot of luxury for that at the time. But that doesn't have anything to do with sandwiches. (10:40:50 PM) SJulianIgnacio: EXACTLY MY POINT. you tried to press so much that had nothing to do with sandwiches into those sandwiches (10:40:57 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it was out of control (10:41:34 PM) Jeremy Castelle: And? It was just proof that no one was listening and you were ready to dismiss me. What if it had actually been important? (10:41:50 PM) SJulianIgnacio: BUT IT WASNT (10:42:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and you were so flipping out that you were spoiling tradition and love and bonding with my daughter (10:42:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: when (10:42:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it (10:42:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: WASNT (10:43:36 PM) Jeremy Castelle: It was important to me! their attitudes toward school was important to me. (10:43:57 PM) SJulianIgnacio: they didn't have bad attitudes towards school tho!!! (10:44:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you were just worried they did!!! (10:44:16 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Stacey was in question (10:44:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and she was the best student of them all (10:44:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: give me a fucking break (10:48:24 PM) Jeremy Castelle: No thanks to me. You took from me a chance to teach them something that was important to me, and I never forgot about it. they were already made of your genes and I never imagined it could be any different so all I really had to give them were my own lessons. You made a fool of me on that one. First you told them I was wrong and then you let them disregard me. Without consulting me. I never would have told them to hide anything from you. (10:53:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: ok look. I need you to stop for one moment, step back and look at the whole picture. me and her were doing that tradition for so long and you never knew about it right? Remember? And still she was a great student. She took school seriously. She was a wonderful child all those years, quiet and respectful. Then think of the timeline baby. Then you learn about these animal sandwiches and have a freak fit and refuse to let it go on a minute longer telling me I was detriment to our children and that was that, you had the final say so, no if ands or buts and this was what you wanted to teach them? That Daddy Ju is just so ridiculous and irresponsible that you had to put a stop to my "immaturity" to teach them to take school seriously? When they already did? That made no sense and made ME TO LOOK LIKE FAR MORE THAN A FOOL. You have never seen the situation for what it was. And you're also forgetting it wasnt' me that kept making the sandwiches. Stacey was the one making them herself because I wasnt' allowed. Remember? That was her first step against you. YOU crossed her line for the time and she was old enough to see you were making a fool of yourself. (10:57:49 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Don't even start pretending that she was a good kid and a great student without my help. Like I never interjected before then, even if I tried to pick my battles. When they got older, that's when i started losing and all this shit happened like tattoos and peircings and things not right for kids. Because they are too young to understand that those things are there forever unless you take some serious drastic measures. They were good kids because we MADE them that way, because we grew them, and because I fucking helped. So don't act like I one day popped up to destroy your universe. (10:58:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: um do you hear yourself? (10:58:37 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I never said you didn't help (10:58:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you just put words in my mouth (10:58:48 PM) SJulianIgnacio: dont do that again (10:59:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I couldn't have done all this without you (10:59:03 PM) Jeremy Castelle: then don't act like I never said anything before that moment and it started some downward spiral. (10:59:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you're every fucking thing to me (10:59:57 PM) Jeremy Castelle: And jsut so you know, I would NEVER talk to the kids about daddy's immaturity or irresponsibility. As far as the kids ever knew we were together on everything. (11:00:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, well... stacey could feel we weren't remember? (11:00:26 PM) Jeremy Castelle: The one thing I believe is more wrong than anything else is to INSULT their other parent in front of them. Never. We disagree in private. (11:00:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: FEEL (11:00:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: we dont have to say it out loud for he to know (11:00:48 PM) SJulianIgnacio: her* (11:01:23 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I never acted like I was out to punish you in front of her. (11:01:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont have to act out anything (11:01:56 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you can sit still as a rock and she'll feel everything (11:01:59 PM) SJulianIgnacio: just like me (11:03:13 PM) Jeremy Castelle: then why didn't she realize what I intended? Maybe because she was having a moment of teenage rebellion? You know, actively doing stuff you know you shouldn't be because you want to. that thing it's possible and nearly inevitable that all kids do because they're kids? (11:03:50 PM) Jeremy Castelle: But you say you saw it like her defending herself from oppression. (11:03:53 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you forget she could feel me too (11:04:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: how you hurt my feelings (11:04:18 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that rebellion wasn't all for her (11:06:00 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Well, nice to know that it was only yours that mattered. As if I wasn't bothered either. I gave a simple family direction that wouldn't have put anyone out to follow. Eat animal sandwiches at home. But she didn't want that, and she had peer pressure from friends to keep showing up with them. (11:11:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. ok hon. keep simplifying. I'm sure its easier for you to keep things feeling like you did right that way. just so you know, it's ok to be wrong. I've had to suck up an awful damn lot in my time. I had to surrender so much stuff I thought was truth. It's humbling and hurtful and can make a person feel very small. But, I've done it ... in almost every single aspect turn and curve of my crazy ass life. But, this one? Why would I hold on to such a small thing as we both keep calling it? After all the shit I've been through and had to admit and let go? Could be because I've done nothing wrong here? IDK baby. I wish you'd take a step outside yourself too. (11:12:34 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Anyway. I'm done. I really can't keep hurting you anymore tonight. or putting myself through this either. I'm going to groom pippin and pitch sleeping bag out there (11:12:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: k? (11:17:39 PM) Jeremy Castelle: It doesn't hurt me. talking about it doesn't hurt me. Shooting at a dodging target bugs me. I hate when you make a move like that and then go to walk away. Or when you walk away period. Augh. It just. It kills me to think you ever thought my compass, the only reliable thing I ever had to hold on to, was steering us wrong. I need you to trust that I use my judgment well and fairly or else I can't be happy. (11:18:43 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't know what you think but I don' tjust... like to be right, or something. I go over things and I beat them to death in my mind figuring things out. That's my contribution. (11:27:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I do think you have done a wonderful job, but remember baby? there have been a couple times you've broken downand said I leave it to you, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. You've questioned your own judgement and told me take over. - That didn't mean you'd never done anything right. But in those moments you were humble enough to admit you weren't all-knowing and that was enough for me. It made me feel safer than when you put up the mask for me to see with my eyes yet feel in straight through to your soul what was on your face didnt' match your feelings. That's when I got scared and knew I had to be just as strong as you for both of us. for the whole family. I looked up to you and tried very much to be like you. You're contribution is what made this family even exist. I would never belittle that. I just think it wouldn't be so bad to let go on this one. There is nothing in their childhoods I would take back, or change, age of piercings, animal sandwiches, nickels hidden in their shoes. Any of it. It all formed who they are and they are wonderful people. to go back and say they were too young for this or that or whatever else you want to pick on is nit picking your parental skills. Could you really ask for better children than we have? Do you really think when you see them we messed them up by anything we let them do? I don't. We have a little Saint running around with lip rings baby. Surely if God approves you can let up on yourself just a little? (11:31:09 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah, i had moments of weakness in which I didn't trust myself. I couldn't read my own compass at the time. But I will always wonder that. Whenever they get into trouble or find themselves not equipped for something I will always wonder if I could have done more. (11:32:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah well surely to fucking go the differnce in their lives is NOT about fucking animal sandwiches (11:32:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: god* (11:32:22 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Parenting is not all about love. Not to me. Love is nice, but hardness is required out in the world too. Better they learn it from me than learn it from the world, that will not teach them about it on small things, but rather take away something actually importnat. (11:32:53 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. ok. can I go now? (11:33:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I really dont think I want to go to that appointment after all (11:33:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm having second thoughts (11:33:51 PM) SJulianIgnacio: of course you dont need me to do it. so you can do whatever you want (11:33:54 PM) Jeremy Castelle: It's too late now. We already have a baby. (11:34:35 PM) Jeremy Castelle: But now I have to ask what? What is insulting or offending or pissing you off about me wanting to make our kids tough? (11:35:36 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, well... I don't need to make another. but then again, since you were so keen to point out earlier that these fucked up kids we have were from my genes so you figured that's just the way they were gonna be - you can still do whatever you want and get your own fucking genes in there and raise your perfect fucking kid however you want (11:36:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm GOING outside now (11:39:08 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Stop it. No, the kids are not fucked up. I pointed out that they were from your genes to show you I was worried about how I'd help them. Since they already had you. (11:40:49 PM) SJulianIgnacio: because anything from my fucked up genes must need an extra firm hand right? I'm such a fuck up they obviously were gonna be too and you had such a hard time helping me. I totally get it now. (11:40:53 PM) SJulianIgnacio: got it. (11:41:23 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Uh, no. (11:42:58 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't know how to say this. It already sounds horrible in my mind. But. (11:43:16 PM) Jeremy Castelle: they had you, they had your genes AND your guidance, so I wasn't always sure what they'd need from me. (11:43:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you're contradicting yourself. You didn't like my guidance (11:44:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you squashed it up and chewed it spit it out (11:44:21 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I didn't say that. (11:44:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: basically yeah you did (11:44:41 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I didn't. It's not like we used to have these conversations every day. (11:45:04 PM) Jeremy Castelle: You're just that shaken about the one we did have, and are having. (11:45:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: look. I dont know what you want from me right now. (11:45:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and I dont even understand what your last statement even means (11:45:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and (11:45:47 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont want another kid (11:45:53 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I just want to sleep with pippin (11:45:59 PM) SJulianIgnacio: can we PLEASE be done now (11:46:51 PM) Jeremy Castelle: Mostly I want you not to turn away from me because I hate when you do that. I don't want to ride this out without you. Then there's no point to anything. (11:47:56 PM) SJulianIgnacio: ride what out? What is there now? I cant stand hurting. Ok? is that so bad? I can't keep feeling this (11:48:13 PM) Jeremy Castelle: It doesn't stop because you go away. It gets worse. (11:49:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but I dont have to hear anything new from you to rub in more hurt. all the already said words can build up and swell but at least I dont have to hear more (11:50:51 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it just starts to get too heavy (11:51:03 PM) Jeremy Castelle: So what, am I saying them for fun? I'm not saying difficult things because they matter? I'm just saying them because I want to keep you down? (11:51:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Im just not as strong as you or something ok (11:51:41 PM) Jeremy Castelle: No, I don't think that's true. (11:51:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: IDK WHY? because you dont want to be wrong sometimes. That's what I think. and if not then it's just horrible (11:51:53 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and I hate myself more (11:52:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I like to think you're just being too prideful to let go jeremie (11:52:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's the only way I can make it through the pain sometimes because what you say to me sometimes is really bad hurt (11:53:51 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't mean for you to take these things that personally. I never did. Not the sandwich thing, not anything. (11:54:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's something you've still yet to learn and I hope you can learn it someday soon since you have all such an important job for the rest of humanity now. But, things like this ARE personal and will be to others as well (11:55:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you'll need to identify it when you help people (11:55:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: if you hang up your guns you're going to be left with people's emotions to help (11:55:35 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and you lack understanding (11:55:35 PM) Jeremy Castelle: I thought you would know it was a given that I obviously love you and care what happens to you. Not that I would look to crush you. (11:56:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I do know you love me. I know you dont want to crush me. I just think you can't identify when you do (11:57:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: because of your own issues you can't always open to see others (11:57:35 PM) Jeremy Castelle: But the thing is. You can't just always go "he said this! He means this! How horrible!" No, dear. I said "this" and I meant what I said. (11:57:47 PM) Jeremy Castelle: No more than that. (11:57:56 PM) SJulianIgnacio: sigh. can I go now? (11:58:55 PM) SJulianIgnacio: my chest hurts. can I just go? (11:59:25 PM) Jeremy Castelle: No, I'm not ever supposed to say yes to that. And I don't really want to. (4/19/2012 12:01:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: WHY? why do you want to torture me right now? why can't you just stop and say Jules, you didn't harm our kids with animal sandwiches and I love that you have such creative ways to touch people? can you not say that? (12:02:45 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No, you didn't harm our kids. I'm not arguing with you because you harmed our kids. (12:03:15 AM) SJulianIgnacio: k. can I go now then? (12:03:17 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No (12:03:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm tired and my fucking chest hurts (12:03:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I just wanna lay down (12:04:06 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't want you to. (12:04:16 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I want you to stay with me like I stay for you. (12:04:53 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And not wildly change all our plans or give up on me or anything. (12:07:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't do this again baby. really. I just... can't. I was remembering the good stuff when I wanted that. this just reminded me how hard it hurts sometimes and if it feels this bad in memory and arguement now when it's all said and done, I can only imagine it happening all over again and wounds hurt worse when they're reopened than when they're first made because the skin already tender. It not about giving up. It's about being done with hurting. I hate hurting. I hate it. (12:08:20 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't put myself in the position for more (12:08:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I have enough (12:13:59 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't know what else to do. the nature of life as I always knew it was pain. It was what happened. I just made sure we all lived through it. I get tired though, you know? Of being the one to shrug off pain and keep going to the other side of it. Sometimes I wish I had a moment to let it settle in, too. (12:15:01 AM) Jeremy Castelle: But, you know... when there is as much of it to go around as there is, I've found it better and more livable to not let it get that strong of a grip. Don't let it pick up value. (12:15:17 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Or else you really don't live to see what's beyond it. (12:23:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah ok. can I go now? I really can't do this whole avoiding my point thing you do (12:24:10 AM) SJulianIgnacio: just dont let it have value (12:24:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: now I see why none of my pain matters so much (12:24:28 AM) SJulianIgnacio: anymore (12:26:35 AM) Jeremy Castelle: But isn't that what pain is? Something to be overcome. (12:27:12 AM) SJulianIgnacio: there's a difference in overcoming it and being numb to it (12:27:19 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you've mistaken what that is (12:27:59 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It never mattered much. There was always something more important to do than let it sink in. (12:28:34 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You know what? I never watched anyone sit and cry before I met you. nobody in my family did. Boucher didn't. Soldiers don't, usually. (12:28:50 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It used to scare me. I had no idea what you were doing. (12:30:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah it never mattered much. I think you're regressing. once upon a time all my pain and yours mattered. now you just shove it all aside again you're a mindless soldier again. never mattered. or doesn't matter now? because it fucking should. IT ALWAYS SHOULD (12:33:24 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No. Mine didn't matter, and for a long time I didn't tell you about mine in the first place. (12:34:56 AM) SJulianIgnacio: interesting shadow of the past babe. I'm talking about now (12:36:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Now? Everything we're talking about is in the past. (12:36:30 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't know what I would do now, with the luxury of time. (12:37:37 AM) SJulianIgnacio: how do you do that? constantly NOT get what I'm asking and vere away from whole fucking point question after question saying things so dramatic like that? (12:37:49 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's like you just dont focus on anything (12:38:00 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's nuts sometimes (12:38:10 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Can I just go outside (12:39:19 AM) Jeremy Castelle: What? Why don't you try asking me more directly? (12:47:12 AM) SJulianIgnacio: ok. Has anything I said tonight opened your eyes in the slightest that all that animal sandwich jazz was never a big a deal until you made it one and realize you should let it go yet because you're hurting your husband through to his core enough that hershey kiss mice can't even be fun? Do you realize at all that you caused this and it is personal at all yet? Despite your contant need to believe that it isnt? Isnt' this contant going on about it proof enough to you that it is indeed something personal? will you ever take on the burden that Stacey lied to you because of you NOT me? Does that fact that this interpersonal miscommunication blowing up in your face this badly make you realize that you don't relate to people well and your promise to god is to help people and they just might also have feelings just like me, just like stacey and you need to learn to navigate them better? Does it occur to you at all how serious this is that even me who has begged you for child is backing out? does that not flash red flags in your face at all? Or do you see it as just Jules being a flake again and not being strong enough to stick things out? Do you ever see you project stuff on me when you dont want to look at yourself? (12:47:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: direct enough? (12:53:25 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Fine, that's better. I understand. (12:54:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I love you. you know that. (12:54:46 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I know, baby. (12:58:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm sorry (12:58:28 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Don't be. You did what I asked you to do. (1:00:59 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And yeah... as I gather my thoughts on this. I did make it a big deal. I see that. I did it because I really, really wanted you both to listen to me. I caused it because I needed you all to show me something I was unsure of. I wasn't sure if you trusted me anymore. I had been doubting me, and it wouldn't have surprised me if you doubted me too. It didn't have much to do with sandwiches... it had much more to do with us. I know. (1:01:49 AM) SJulianIgnacio: well, stacey paid for that test baby (1:02:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it wasn't right (1:03:18 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I didn't just choose arbitrarily, though. I did mean what I said about my parenting philosophy. I just didn't mean for it to get so out of hand. (1:03:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah (1:05:05 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You didn't harm the kids.. but I wouldn't have either. If I had had my way instead. It was a good lesson. It was important to me. (1:05:18 AM) SJulianIgnacio: mk (1:05:39 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I beg to differ (1:05:43 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You still don't acknowledge me at all. I could concede to everything and you still don't. (1:05:56 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you did have it your way. and it did damage. It damaged a lot (1:06:05 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No, I didn't. (1:07:18 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah actually you did. look at us right now. look at it still going on. look at what it drove stacey to do. look how it baited her in the middle of having to choose between us. look at how our next child is at stake in the middle of the after math. (1:07:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: no no damage at all (1:07:39 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I did not get my way. (1:07:50 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Is waht I meant. (1:08:08 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you put your foot down and stopped us all from showing family love at school (1:08:15 AM) Jeremy Castelle: that wasn't the point (1:08:16 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you got what you wanted (1:08:19 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No. (1:08:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: ok (1:08:51 AM) Jeremy Castelle: If I had gotten my way, my family would have trusted me. that if I said something like that it was because I had a good reason. (1:09:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, well you're forgetting a vital element. (1:09:21 AM) Jeremy Castelle: What? (1:09:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: everything a person decides to do isn't about whether they trust another person or not (1:10:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: sometimes there's far more variables involved than that (1:10:18 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and you took it personal yourself (1:10:23 AM) SJulianIgnacio: expecting us not to (1:10:42 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No matter what, nobody had to lie to me. (1:11:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: really? are you sure about that? (1:11:10 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Yes. (1:11:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm the one that told you she was still doing it (1:11:56 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and you still look at me like the bad guy (1:12:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I did everything you asked of me (1:12:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's not my fault she could see past the mask (1:12:36 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You didn't stop her. That's how I knew you didn't believe me. You were only doing it to spare me somehow. (1:12:49 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Or spare yourself from confronting me any further. (1:13:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and yet you didn't stop to think why (1:13:06 AM) SJulianIgnacio: only that we did it (1:14:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: if you would have stopped to think just a little bit more outside yourself and looked at the bigger picture instead of taking it so "personal" you might not have been so blind to your own wrongdoings here (1:14:25 AM) Jeremy Castelle: So why did you avoid me? (1:14:29 AM) Jeremy Castelle: What did you think I was going to do? (1:21:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you were a vampire back then and one on the brink of a break down. Do you have any clue what it was like to watch the person you're desperately in love with let his family growing up pass him by when he's right there in the room with them? I made my choice. I made my choice to give you what you needed so desperately from me right then and that was to have this your way no matter how much I disagreed. But, you speak of making our kids strong and let me tell you soemthing, going against someone you love so very much is one of the most heartbreaking hard choices a person can make. It can make you feel so very broken inside and guilt your every hour of every day. I wasn't going to make Stacey's decision for her. She was close on 17. It was time to let her make her own. Let her feel the consequences thereof. And trust me, she felt them. She and I both know what we felt and that time period wasn't fun and games. She understood what she was doing and she made the choice to do what she felt was right. To stand up for what she believed in. I think she grew up a lot in those days. Something changed and it wasn't about how to lie to her father. (1:25:03 AM) Jeremy Castelle: But no... that's not what I needed. I can't say it enough. I needed you to believe me. Once I felt that you didn't believe me anymore, that I was just being humored or something, or being coddled for being in such bad shape, it all went downhill that much faster. I couldn't believe in anything anymore either. (1:26:12 AM) Jeremy Castelle: considering stacey as a different matter from that for a moment. (1:26:18 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I'm just talking about you. (1:26:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: here's your other problem. you wanted to test us on our belief in YOU as a person, as mentor, as our guide all based on something as silly as a sandwich (1:26:46 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you stuck your hopes in the wrong test subject (1:27:23 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I'm not sure you realized how much it did for me, actually, that you believed so firmly in me when we started out. I don't know, without you I may have flagged anyway, but because I found you and you had that way of looking at me like you were resting the whole world in my hands it gave me that strength to give you that last push I had in me. (1:28:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I still believe in you. (1:29:01 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't think you did then. that's all. (1:29:46 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you're so wrong. if something real would have happened at that point in time I would have come running in a panic for my knight to save me. (1:29:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but this wasn't like that (1:30:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No. But most of our life wasn't like that, thank God. (1:30:20 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It started to happen in the small everyday things. (1:31:13 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you were teaching me to do things for myself. but you had a hard time letting go. you misplaced that for trust in you (1:32:37 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Maybe so. Regardless, I thought that if I said something was important to me, you'd still listen. Instead, it was like you passed judgment on my opinion and pitied me for not agreeing with you. (1:33:01 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You and Stacey both, really. If she made her own decision, that's even harder that she thought about it all on her own and then decided not to listen to me. (1:33:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: in this incident and this one alone, I think I did (1:33:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it was a sad thing you were so closed off (1:33:47 AM) SJulianIgnacio: because in truth that damn sandwich had little to do with school attitudes (1:34:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you misplaced that as a value it wasn't (1:34:09 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And yet I tried to justify it many times, but no particular angle seemed to work. It was a habit so thoroughly ingrained that nothing I could have said would have changed your mind. (1:34:09 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I just see it that way (1:34:49 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you could have changed my mind if anything you said could have been proven justifiable (1:34:53 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but it simply wasn't (1:34:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: we'd been doing it forever (1:35:02 AM) Jeremy Castelle: there wasn't anything justifiable for you. (1:35:06 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and nothing bad happened (1:35:15 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and she was perfectly studious (1:35:18 AM) SJulianIgnacio: all along (1:35:55 AM) Jeremy Castelle: But she was getting older. She was about to be a woman. Her standing and image in society was about to change. (1:37:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: this has nothing to do with anything. you yourself are a man that just brought mice kisses into play and guess what? I bet you anything a grown man or woman made those in a perfectly fine bakery and would be proud to sell them to grown adult customers (1:37:08 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you just dont see it (1:37:15 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you're looking for something that isnt' there (1:37:48 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Well, I brought them in for you. Because I like to bring you things you'll like, not just things I like. (1:38:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, but think about something. you're seeing all these "silly" things Jules likes as something strange or different or odd because they're not you. but honey? seriously... I'm not the only one... people do this stuff. lots of people. (1:39:14 AM) SJulianIgnacio: Im sorry your life has been so hard you missed out on these kinds of things (1:39:21 AM) SJulianIgnacio: to even see it's a normal thing (1:39:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but it just (1:39:26 AM) SJulianIgnacio: so is (1:39:36 AM) SJulianIgnacio: even if it's not your thing (1:39:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I didn't invent all these things myself as much as I'd love to claim them (1:40:09 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Haha. (1:40:13 AM) Jeremy Castelle: That was a cute comment. (1:40:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: :P well I would (1:40:30 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I'm sure you would. (1:42:01 AM) Jeremy Castelle: And I don't know. If Stacey as a grown 200 year old adult went back to animal-shaped foods then maybe. But it would have been nice to know she tried it my way, too. So I know for certain she has the skills to do it. (1:42:43 AM) SJulianIgnacio: oh come on. is it really an important skill to hold yourself back from being yourself? (1:43:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and besides. did you see what she did the day your contract broke (1:43:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I wouldnt' go doubting her skills (1:43:59 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah, it can be. When someone else needs more of you than you need of you. When you have to make sacrifices and stay whole despite not having those things. (1:44:16 AM) SJulianIgnacio: god give it up jeremie (1:44:30 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you have jacques as your shadow (1:44:34 AM) SJulianIgnacio: can you let me have one? (1:44:45 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I didn't know we were dividing them up. (1:44:57 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I kind of thought we were trying to give them the best of both of us. (1:44:58 AM) SJulianIgnacio: we're not. you get me and you know it (1:45:32 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont see me trying to push jacques into pole dancing do you? (1:45:55 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont see me trying to push jacques into a million things I do (1:46:02 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I would be worried if you tried to get any of the kids into pole dancing. I'm not sure that's a skill you learn from your parent. (1:46:21 AM) Jeremy Castelle: But why are you talking about jacques now? (1:46:21 AM) SJulianIgnacio: let jacques be jacques and let stacey be stacey is what my point is (1:46:36 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Jacques has followed you in a million ways too. (1:46:41 AM) SJulianIgnacio: they have us both in them (1:46:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but dont forget (1:46:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: they have to be their own people too (1:47:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: they're good baby (1:47:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's ok now (1:48:01 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No, you did good. who knows what they think of what I did. No kid goes up to his dad and says "Hey dad, thanks for paying the bills!" (1:50:23 AM) SJulianIgnacio: no that's not what they say. They say HEY DAD remember that time we built that rocket or that time it rained and we came to your bed and slept and told us ghost stories or that time you let us have that party and we got to use the whole basement and remember how cool our halloweens were and how the whole town came to our farm every year while they sit around the table at thanksgiving or christmas while shoving you old framed photos of when they were younger. (1:50:35 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's so much better and means the same thing or more (1:51:36 AM) SJulianIgnacio: or whenthey sit our laps even as big as they are while watching home movies and you see them get as choked up as we do (1:51:47 AM) SJulianIgnacio: nothing can take that from us (1:52:10 AM) SJulianIgnacio: those are the silent thank yous that we get to hear for the rest of our lives (1:53:50 AM) Jeremy Castelle: They don't really thank you for the things you remember, do they? they're givens. That (1:54:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: That's why the bills or the stability aren't a big deal. (1:54:26 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Or maybe I just don't think of things the same way. (1:54:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: sigh. are you missing it again? (1:54:57 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No. I'm just being different. (1:55:51 AM) Jeremy Castelle: they remember fun things. I remember nights building on nights of holding babies and rocking them to sleep. Might have been the same every time but it was what made life. that was the meat of life. Less the dressing. (1:55:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: all of that I said is the way they acknowlege what they're grateful for. All that stuff they know couldnt have happened with out a stable home. everything they mention is a result of. They know that baby (1:56:32 AM) SJulianIgnacio: they're giving examples of what that home gave them (1:56:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: the home you made them (1:56:48 AM) SJulianIgnacio: trust me baby. (1:57:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I loved them all as babies. (1:57:34 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I remember them in a wagon (1:57:47 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and me trying to suck you off in the garden and you freakedout (1:57:50 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Heh. Yeah. I know, I remember the wagon too. (1:57:57 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You never know if they remember that! (1:58:21 AM) SJulianIgnacio: hahaha. they were tiny. but lol. that was a great memory too (1:59:52 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I still saw them as tiny for a long time. (2:00:08 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I guess I was hard on them for that (2:00:56 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I wanted them to be fully armed, even when I couldn't be there. Like I had this weird feeling come over me that I wouldn't always, like I knew what might happen but minus the part where it worked out (2:02:58 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. but it's over. It did work out. Don't you think it's ok to let some of that old shit go. just release it baby (2:04:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's hard. and somethings make a mark that will never go away. I know this better than anyone. but it doesn't have to define us and keep old patterns stuck in the rut. it's ok to let go (2:06:05 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't know yet. Part of me is still waiting for something else to happen. (2:06:24 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Like the moment i let go is the moment we'll be hit unprepared. (2:06:39 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Especially now with Regina. Retaliation could come at any time. (2:11:02 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't know. In a number of ways nothing has changed at all. Same old fight, just a stronger banner. I can't forget that I'm not just here because. (2:12:20 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I didn't really mean let go enough to never be useful. you sure are a literal guy (2:12:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: damn baby (2:12:42 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I know what you meant. As in relax. (2:13:20 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I actually meant, stop fighting about the past. admit you done good. stop fighting for what fight that's over (2:13:41 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I trust you (2:16:12 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Even after all this time I'm not sure I understand it. Why the sandwiches were such a hard thing to let go. I knew you did these things but I didn't realize they would become the focus of someone doing "what they thought was right". I thought they were something that could be put aside like a shirt that's getting a bit too small. Not a blanket you hug till it falls to pieces. (2:18:01 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I think I may have treated you differently if I knew it was a serious matter of identity. I might have still been worried, but. I don't know. (2:18:38 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I wouldn't have wanted Stacey to be harassed by other kids who don't get it either. (2:34:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah but she wasnt' harrassed remember? her friends wanted them (2:34:44 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Well yeah. But as her papa I knew that her friends were not a vaccuum. I worried about that too. (2:34:48 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I told you all of that back then (2:34:58 AM) SJulianIgnacio: a vaccuum (2:35:00 AM) SJulianIgnacio: ? (2:35:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: More people exist than her friends. (2:36:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: sigh. well anyway, it was about expression and identity and more than that.. sharing something with me that she liked to show off and her friends thought was fun... (2:37:08 AM) SJulianIgnacio: idk. have you ever been in a college Jeremie. I know you have. (2:37:16 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Of course I have. (2:37:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: then let's please not talk about age and maturity in school systems (2:37:48 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I think she was doing alright for age (2:37:53 AM) SJulianIgnacio: her* age (2:38:24 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah... it might have been young to squeeze her on it I guess. Now if she had been 30. (2:39:17 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Back then there was just such a hurry for them to group up, just in case of the worst. (2:39:25 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I never felt like there was time to play. (2:39:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: trust me. I know that too (2:40:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I had to be there to balance that out (2:40:13 AM) SJulianIgnacio: they were kids jeremie (2:40:24 AM) Jeremy Castelle: But you did nothing for my nerves. Heh. (2:40:39 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I took comfort in the fact that they were surrounded by nuns the rest of the day. (2:41:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and what about this round? you gonna still be a bundle of nerves? (2:41:50 AM) SJulianIgnacio: for potato? (2:42:08 AM) Jeremy Castelle: God, don't we have to be? In case her birth parents find her? (2:42:38 AM) Jeremy Castelle: We may only have a matter of years to teach her everything we can to repel demonic philosophies. (2:43:09 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I know. but dont take her innocence her youth (2:43:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: dont gray her hairs by 6 (2:44:03 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't know, Jules. This may be even more harrowing than our own children. Because we know someone is looking for her. (2:44:20 AM) Jeremy Castelle: We were never quite sure with our own. We got away with many quiet years. (2:45:06 AM) Jeremy Castelle: What if we have to make a choice for her? What if we have to choose between her innocence and the rest of her life? (2:46:47 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah ok. I get you. (2:47:04 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but that doesn't mean she can't have both. (2:47:12 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont buy it (2:47:23 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm goign to make sure of it (2:47:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: as usual (2:47:35 AM) SJulianIgnacio: dont worry about it (2:47:38 AM) SJulianIgnacio: do your thing (2:47:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'll do mine (2:48:39 AM) Jeremy Castelle: as much as we can give her. But I insist that she know at least as much of the truth as she can handle for her age at any given time, so she's never caught off-guard. (2:49:24 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't want her caught in a situation where she has to think too hard about how she feels because they're feeding her information we didn't. that's the moment we may lose her. (2:52:26 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I agree baby (2:52:38 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I wont fight you on that (2:52:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I trust that's the best way to go (2:53:28 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but baby. lots of stars out tonight (2:53:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I forgot how much I loved the smell of horses (2:54:33 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I don't think you could forget that. (2:54:57 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, I guess not, but it's just so great being back (2:55:14 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it feels good in here (2:55:21 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It is. But it's so weirdly quiet when you're not in the house. I'm not used to this anymore. (2:55:36 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you could come out here? (2:56:05 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I have Potato in the house. (2:56:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: like she cant love horses too? (2:56:45 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I forgot that baby's heartbeats are very fast. And her skin is like a furnace. Is it cold out? (2:59:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: keep her in hat baby (3:00:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: baby? (3:00:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Hm? (3:00:23 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Okay hat... maybe the swaddle with the hood too. Mittens? Is it THAT cold? (3:02:08 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I don't want to keep having days like today. It feels so good out here, the familiar smells, the air, my animals friends are all out here doing their darnest to keep me in good cheer. and they're good at it too. just like always. I'm so happy here. Can we please just be happy (3:03:07 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I'm bringing that no-rolling-onto pillow thing too... more blankets... wait, diaper so I don't have to run back inside in case. But then uhh. Bottle. Here's another blanket. too much stuff. (3:04:15 AM) Jeremy Castelle: ...............and then I walked out the door without my own keys and wondered why I couldn't lock the front door. (3:06:18 AM) SJulianIgnacio: oh baby (3:06:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: gracious (3:07:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I love you so damn much (3:07:29 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I love you too but this bag weighs about 100 lbs so make way! (3:11:09 AM) Jeremy Castelle: THERE. Because see if she poops her diaper she'll need a new one and some wipes, and a new onesie if it's a bad one. then after clearing the chutes she might be hungry again so she'll need a bottle. then if she drinks a bottle she'll need the burp cloth, and then she might stay awake digesting for a while so she'll need those little plastic toy keys that do NOT work in our front door by the way so she doesn't cry while we rest. And if she does fall asleep she needs all her blankets and pillow so she stays comfortable and safe and free of hay. So yes. THERE. (3:15:28 AM) SJulianIgnacio: wow. you sure know how to pack a diaper bag baby (3:15:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you haven't forgotten that much (3:16:09 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Yeah, well. All it takes is to be pooped on once to jog your memory. (3:16:49 AM) SJulianIgnacio: heh (3:17:40 AM) Jeremy Castelle: It's too bad she won't remember how awesome her diaper bags used to be and how she was the most prepared infant anywhere. (3:18:25 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's too bad they dont give away trophies to the people that packed them (3:19:01 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Sarcasm? Because trophies are pretty cool. (3:20:42 AM) SJulianIgnacio: mighta been a hint of sarcasm (3:22:14 AM) Jeremy Castelle: That's just mean. (3:22:41 AM) SJulianIgnacio: was not. (3:23:02 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Was too. (3:23:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: oh stop you (3:23:30 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I'll whack you with this 100 lb embroidered bunny. (3:24:06 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you better not be talking about my magnet bunny lip bunnies. (3:24:29 AM) Jeremy Castelle: No, I'm talking about this bag. It has a bunny on it too. (3:26:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeaaaaaaaaaah, um. when potato falls asleep are you going to making love to me under these stars? just curious, cuz I dunno, that whole less sex thing. (3:26:47 AM) Jeremy Castelle: FSH (3:27:00 AM) Jeremy Castelle: I forgot about that after I looked at you again and remembered why we have sex that much. (3:28:48 AM) SJulianIgnacio: ah. well dont forget again. I didn't like that (3:29:10 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I love you. (3:29:18 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Never? Not even when you're really mad? (3:29:26 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Or do you like angry fightsex? (3:30:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: idk. depends (3:31:01 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Ah. Well, you already offered, so. (3:31:02 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and NO forget ever even if your mad (3:31:15 AM) SJulianIgnacio: what kind of question is that anyway (3:31:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: grah (3:31:39 AM) Jeremy Castelle: An invalid one, fortunately. (3:33:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: good. I dont ever want to be forgotten. (3:33:24 AM) Jeremy Castelle: You never will be. You're legendary. (3:34:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you promise? even if I sleep in the barn and change my mind about kids? (3:34:41 AM) Jeremy Castelle: Yep.