Who Jules and Jeremie Charbonneau Type AIM Chat When April 13 What/Warnings Long, (ended up 35 pages on Word) Lots of bickering about whether Jeremie still wants Jules like he used to, losing the "spark" in their relationship and Jules getting so worked up and hurt he throws up. If one can get passed that, there's mentions of Jeremie getting to be Daddy this time, Jules reveals God told him of his true human-side heritage and birthday which he's never known, and the decision to leave Boston and move back to France where they belong and the details thereof, like what about the CPI and the Jubilee and Koko, new plans on how best to serve God and the people, and Jeremie for the first time, considered his own needs too, talk of hanging up his guns. Status Complete
(8:52:33 PM) Jeremie: Hey, you. (8:52:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Yes me :D (8:52:46 PM) Jeremie: Yes you! (8:53:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: What's up Baby? (8:53:01 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Baby (8:53:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: baby (8:53:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: baby appointment (8:53:26 PM) Jeremie: Ohhhh yes. We need a surrogate. (8:53:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yup. I know. I forgot how long this process was (8:54:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I want to make sure her genes add up with yours to make blonde (8:54:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: :D:D (8:54:25 PM) Jeremie: So you want me to find a blonde? Heheh. (8:54:48 PM) Jeremie: I'm still a little. I don't know. Maybe in shock? This was never really option for me, ever. (8:55:04 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah well you are now. You earned it (8:55:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and maybe I sorta kinda maybe can't wait to watch you go through everything I did (8:55:51 PM) Jeremie: Which parts? (8:56:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: all their poking and prodding and question asking about your private bits and the pure amounts of jerking you'll be required to do (8:56:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: for screeenings and stuff (8:57:01 PM) Jeremie: I won't have any idea what to say. It uh, just started working in that capacity recently. (8:57:14 PM) Jeremie: I guess its another moment for white lies. (8:57:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: hahahah. this will make it more fun for me to watch (8:57:31 PM) Jeremie: What, to watch me lie? (8:57:35 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yup. (8:57:54 PM) Jeremie: I'm not all THAT good at it. Or is that the fun part? (8:58:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: exactly sweets (8:58:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: especially when it's impromptu (8:58:31 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and not planned (8:59:23 PM) Jeremie: I won't be winning any oscars. (8:59:25 PM) Jeremie: Anyway. (8:59:35 PM) Jeremie: I think I would like another girl. (9:00:04 PM) Jeremie: I like the name Michelle. Said the French way, Mee-shelle. (9:00:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: well we can choose that stuff. we'll just tell them this time (9:00:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: My Mee-shelle (9:00:41 PM) Jeremie: Do you think its wrong to choose? (9:00:54 PM) Jeremie: After all its not really our creation. (9:00:59 PM) Jeremie: In the upper levels. (9:01:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: naw. here's what I figure. If God gave us the tools to do it, then we're not really playing God. (9:01:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: He put it all here available for us all (9:01:51 PM) SJulianIgnacio: he's probably thinking COOL. they figured it out (9:02:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: why did it take them so long? (9:02:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: lol (9:02:19 PM) SJulianIgnacio: he didn't know we (9:02:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: would all suck so bad at math (9:02:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: HAHAHAHA (9:02:32 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but it evolved (9:02:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: lol (9:03:08 PM) Jeremie: Well, I suppose. (9:03:44 PM) Jeremie: Anyway it could be nice. If Potato stays with us, she would have a sister in a year or so. They could grow up together. (9:04:59 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. that's true. (9:05:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: She's already getting so big (9:05:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I started thinking of what they're missing out on (9:05:29 PM) Jeremie: Her parents? (9:05:32 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah (9:05:47 PM) Jeremie: I don't give one bit about Caim, but London... I feel bad for her. (9:06:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. I mean. Did you see him? He's off in Disney World or some shit. Like he really cares. (9:06:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I keep waiting for some attack (9:06:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and nothing (9:06:47 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but dumb ass posts like that (9:07:05 PM) Jeremie: I didn't expect him to care. He could have thousands. We only rescued one. (9:07:18 PM) Jeremie: All he needs to do to make more is rape some unfortunate woman. (9:07:46 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's not what I heard. (9:07:50 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but uh yeah (9:08:00 PM) Jeremie: What did you hear? (9:08:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: he's not the like that. (9:08:48 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that makes me feel weird tho (9:08:53 PM) SJulianIgnacio: considering I did (9:09:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: just never had kids (9:10:01 PM) Jeremie: Well... I don't care. He might as well be. Perhaps he's even worse, because he took the time to lead London astray first. (9:10:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, I dont know anything about that stuff - I just can't believe she hasn't contacted me. And turned down the chance to see her (9:11:11 PM) Jeremie: It is strange. She could have tried to attack or something. (9:11:32 PM) Jeremie: Either they're planning something, or they really don't care. (9:11:57 PM) Jeremie: I would happily put another bullet in Caim's face. I'm a little disappointed they haven't tried. (9:14:24 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I would like to watch that again. It was pretty hot (9:14:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: just saying (9:14:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and I'm worried they're planning. (9:15:22 PM) Jeremie: If they are, we will handle it then. Even if we lose her for a while now, we know Caim can't do anything to her. (9:15:33 PM) Jeremie: She has, at least, been given the gift of choice. (9:16:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: she has baby (9:17:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and my btw. (9:17:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I might have accidently left the easter bunny out of the cage (9:17:37 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and it ate some wiring (9:17:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I think that's on you to fix (9:17:55 PM) Jeremie: Oh no. Is bunny sick? (9:18:05 PM) Jeremie: I'll get my soldering kit out of the garage. (9:18:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I think she's fine. doesn't seem affected. Has a belly like a goat I tell ya (9:18:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I knew you could fix it (9:19:56 PM) SJulianIgnacio: do you ever read all these people's posts on that forum (9:20:38 PM) Jeremie: Sometimes. That marine seems really cool. (9:20:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. I think he thought I insulted him (9:20:59 PM) Jeremie: And I'm really impressed with the essay you wrote, baby. (9:21:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I told him he was being humble (9:21:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and he called me sir (9:21:08 PM) Jeremie: That was some high-minded material. (9:21:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that was weird (9:21:19 PM) Jeremie: He seems like a good guy. (9:21:24 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah he does. and (9:21:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: aww thanks baby (9:21:47 PM) SJulianIgnacio: just trying to attack the minds that wont think past the lab (9:22:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I was trying to figure out how to convince the kind of people that can't be convinced (9:22:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it was a stab anyway (9:22:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: attempt 1 (9:23:49 PM) Jeremie: Hmmm. Some people are determined not to listen. They want to see it with their own eyes. That's why I think God sent saints like me back. To perform miracles. (9:24:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. but some people wont believe a miracle right in front of their eyes if they cant' scientifically prove what they saw (9:24:34 PM) SJulianIgnacio: which makes no sense (9:24:37 PM) SJulianIgnacio: ha (9:24:38 PM) Jeremie: Heh. Hear that? I never thought that I would perform miracles, of all things. (9:24:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's right baby. But, I did. (9:25:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: well I knew you could. You did for me before God ever made you any ol' saint (9:25:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: You were just blind (9:25:54 PM) Jeremie: Come now, this is no conversation to discuss my bedroom abilities. (9:26:04 PM) Jeremie: Hehehehehehheh. (9:26:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: HO ho ho! well. ya know. I'm not complaining in there. (9:26:56 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but hmm. (9:27:12 PM) SJulianIgnacio: is it wrong I miss the teeth? (9:27:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I try not to (9:27:34 PM) Jeremie: I've noticed. (9:28:33 PM) Jeremie: Are you sure you really miss the teeth? Or is it something about the attitude? Maybe it never was the teeth, because you've had sex with me many times with teeth and it was just as it is now. (9:29:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah I know. I've actually given this a lot thought truth be known (9:29:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and well (9:30:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: thing is... even though we didn't really utilize your teeth all that much (9:30:21 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it was like, this hope that was always in the back of my mind (9:30:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and I just never knew (9:30:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and now I know for sure (9:30:49 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's just not gonna happen (9:31:15 PM) SJulianIgnacio: the danger is gone (9:31:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that unknown thrill (9:31:56 PM) Jeremie: There isn't much unknown left after almost 30 years of marriage, baby. (9:32:19 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I guess. but it would still be there if you were a vampire and we had them (9:32:32 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's really something different (9:33:05 PM) Jeremie: But it wasn't real. I was never, even in the deepest, darkest depths of insanity, going to hurt you. (9:33:19 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I think I liked feeling like you might (9:33:37 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and we had a few close calls (9:33:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that... was... (9:33:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: exciting (9:34:01 PM) Jeremie: Well. (9:34:05 PM) Jeremie: I don't know. (9:34:17 PM) Jeremie: I can't bring it back and I don't want to. It was horrible. (9:34:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah I know. (9:34:35 PM) Jeremie: I never saw it as a thrill. I'm sorry. (9:34:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah I know that too (9:34:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you just (9:34:50 PM) SJulianIgnacio: never saw it from my shoes (9:35:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I understood where you were coming from all along (9:35:12 PM) SJulianIgnacio: just... still (9:35:34 PM) Jeremie: It doesn't take much to understand that an edgy bad boy is more exciting than your slowly fattening husband. I get it. (9:36:09 PM) SJulianIgnacio: oh. idk. I like your love handles. (9:36:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I just... when the caim thing happened (9:37:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I was pretty much crushing you hard for days. (9:37:21 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I like when you show yourself (9:37:28 PM) Jeremie: Heh. I noticed. (9:37:59 PM) SJulianIgnacio: idk. I like this whole comfort zone thing we got baby. (9:38:04 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I just... (9:38:12 PM) SJulianIgnacio: miss something (9:38:34 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and I dont actually believe it has to be gone (9:38:55 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you told me once that relationships were like something you always gotta work on (9:38:58 PM) SJulianIgnacio: tend to (9:39:12 PM) Jeremie: I can stop drinking out of the milk carton and belching after snacks. Promise. Heh. (9:39:27 PM) Jeremie: And yes. I still believe that's true. Forever is gonna be a long, long time. (9:39:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I think sometimes you forget your own advice because you've gotten so comfortable (9:39:55 PM) SJulianIgnacio: And like I've ever been one to care about the carton (9:40:12 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you still fake yourself out there about what's right to do (9:40:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: lol (9:40:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: standards I've never held (9:41:04 PM) Jeremie: I like being comfortable with you. I've never had comfort like this before. Not even in my first life. Now I have money, safety, the luxury of time, I have love. For the first time in centuries I had a real night's sleep. So yes, I suppose I have been indulging. It's kind of nice to do nothing. (9:41:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: well yeah. and I want that. I want it for you. I love watching you finally have. I LOVE finally having it myself. Just uhhh (9:42:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: don't let sparks die baby. love and comfort doesn't equal spark (9:42:16 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I need that (9:44:05 PM) Jeremie: Spark, huh. Yeah, I know you. You want to play. I don't complain when you have to do it without me. (9:44:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: wow you really just missed the point (9:44:31 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont want to do it without you. (9:44:37 PM) SJulianIgnacio: the whole point is WITH you (9:44:55 PM) Jeremie: I know. I was just saying. I haven't been mad when its not with me (9:45:49 PM) Jeremie: The one thing that would really make me mad, I trust you not to do. So. What is there to say? (9:45:49 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, but here's your problem my love. Your husband isn't looking for a game with someone else, he's never satisfied elsewhere (9:46:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's all just bidding time for what I really want (9:46:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: there's passing time (9:46:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and there's feeling fullfilled (9:47:18 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I think you're so busy eating HAHAHAHA... or new such things I'm so proud you can do now, I just... don't want you to get lost. (9:47:45 PM) Jeremie: Get lost? (9:47:57 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and be so blinded by new things, that you miss what's most important. (9:48:19 PM) SJulianIgnacio: or maybe you have a different opinion on what most important is? I'm not sure (9:48:27 PM) Jeremie: It's not that I don't care about things anymore. It's like... Im resting. Even when we were on the farm I never really rested. (9:50:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I know. but let's put it this way. Don't rest for so long, the weeds cover up everything beautiful you have. that sort of neglect can cause the real blooms to die. I can't say anything else right now. (9:50:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Let's talk about (9:50:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: uhhhhhh (9:50:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: hmm (9:50:50 PM) SJulianIgnacio: letmethink (9:51:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: did you notice the new birdhouse I was building (9:51:18 PM) Jeremie: Wait, hold on. (9:51:23 PM) Jeremie: That's a scary thing to say. (9:51:35 PM) Jeremie: What are you saying? (9:51:49 PM) Jeremie: Obviously, its something serious, if you have to say it so cryptically. (9:51:57 PM) Jeremie: And I don't think I like where that's going. (9:53:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: idk baby. I just keep trying to tell you somethings missing and you just crack jokes like it's nothing. you're just resting. I want you to rest. You deserve it. I feel selfish even talking about it. After all this - I don't want to make it all about me. (9:53:53 PM) SJulianIgnacio: You need your time (9:54:06 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm just... I feel like... (9:54:15 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I"m slipping out the picture somehow (9:54:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: we're just not the same. and I dont mean I'm stupid and dont realize time changes things (9:55:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's made us beautiful, both. (9:55:24 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I just miss us. idk. (9:55:32 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and I'm with you everyday (9:55:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: so it's a weird feeling (9:56:17 PM) Jeremie: Mm. I don't know what to say. You would never become unimportant to me, okay? Don't ever think that. (9:56:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Yeah. I guess so. I know you love me baby. (9:56:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I know it (9:56:45 PM) Jeremie: I do. More than anything (9:58:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I just think... you don't think we can't fall apart... it happens to people... and I dont want it to happen to us... I get scared (9:58:16 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont take us for granted (9:58:43 PM) Jeremie: I can't imagine how we could ever. How ridiculous would that be? How could we just drift away? (9:59:09 PM) Jeremie: Everything we've been through and that would be the end of us? Some kind of "meh" feeling? (9:59:48 PM) Jeremie: And anyway, on another level I trusted you not to judge me for this. I feel sort of bad that I took time off. For the first time ever. (10:00:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: because I know when I walk away to find that spark of something somewhere else... and you're so fine with it... you're never seeing the motivation behind it. (10:00:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and bah. no feeling bad (10:00:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: over that (10:00:38 PM) Jeremie: I trusted you not to be looking for something that would make me mad. (10:00:52 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I knew you'd make this my fault (10:00:58 PM) SJulianIgnacio: heh (10:01:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: don't worry about it (10:01:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont anyway (10:01:11 PM) Jeremie: I felt like I could let you seek whatever you wanted without interfering with you. I thought I was being nice. (10:01:15 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'll go play somewhere else (10:01:18 PM) SJulianIgnacio: "play" (10:01:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: as you put it (10:01:46 PM) Jeremie: Well, what is it? You haven't told me what it is you want me to do, exactly. (10:02:03 PM) Jeremie: And instead you say something that seems like threatening to leave. (10:02:56 PM) SJulianIgnacio: oh come on. I'm not threatening anything. I'm telling you you're losing your grip on me. (10:03:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: if you want truth to be considered a threat - take it that way - but it's not how it's meant. (10:03:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's meant as a plea (10:03:35 PM) SJulianIgnacio: from the one you keep saying you love (10:03:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and then get upset that I'm judging you (10:03:49 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but you're judging me (10:03:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: for having feelings (10:03:59 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont want to deal in (10:05:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: sorry I messed up your rest (10:05:48 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'll just find something to do (10:05:55 PM) SJulianIgnacio: gotta keep busy (10:05:57 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's all (10:05:58 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah (10:05:59 PM) Jeremie: How could I be losing my grip on you? I trust you completely. I don't look over your shoulder anymore, something you always said you hated because you thought I was always judging you, and try to relax and enjoy myself. So what else can I do? Do you want more attention? (10:08:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: losing your grip on me didn't mean, dont trust me. it means that "meh" feeling shouldn't be looked at so damn lightly. Sorry but it's true, you may have been running around being soldier man with the physical fighting all those years but I played demon in the world of people's emotions and thank you I know all too well how Meh feelings can turn and stew and boil and brew into things that drive wedges that leave scars so deep people are never the same. (10:09:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Yes I want some attention (10:09:58 PM) Jeremie: You can always have my attention, Jules. (10:10:33 PM) Jeremie: It just worries me a little. What it will be like when we've done almost everything ever. (10:10:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: heh. we haven't come even close (10:11:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and if there's meh there when we've barely begun? (10:11:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: no. time to keep OUR spark (10:11:46 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I dont want A spark (10:11:50 PM) SJulianIgnacio: any old spark (10:11:58 PM) SJulianIgnacio: out there playing any old thing (10:12:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I was talking about US (10:12:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you and me (10:12:13 PM) Jeremie: I don't feel any meh. Do you? (10:12:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, I do. (10:12:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's what I"ve been telling you since the convo started (10:12:46 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont pay attention anymore (10:12:51 PM) SJulianIgnacio: when I talk (10:12:56 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's what I'm talking about (10:13:08 PM) Jeremie: Heh. And yet you've always said that, and I always know. (10:13:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you think everythings so wonderful you miss it (10:13:32 PM) SJulianIgnacio: if you know then why are you patronizing me with questions (10:14:06 PM) Jeremie: Because you have a way of saying a lot without really saying anything and I think it does you good to make you state what you think plainlyn (10:14:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: damn (10:14:31 PM) SJulianIgnacio: grah (10:14:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: YOU (10:14:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: still trying to fix me (10:15:04 PM) SJulianIgnacio: question for ya (10:15:09 PM) Jeremie: What? (10:15:18 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you're still trying to help me grow yes? (10:16:33 PM) Jeremie: When I can. I've tried very much to let you choose your own course and make decisions. I take it you're not as satisfied as you thought you would be with non-interference. (10:18:12 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I've changed, God gave me an opening, white wings. HELL HE HIMSELF even showed me the other day, it was the coolest thing I've seen. But, anyway... what I mean is, even since the change you still think there's room to grow. (10:18:15 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and I agree (10:18:18 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but I think (10:18:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you sometimes forget, even with your own change (10:18:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you're not perfection (10:18:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont have all the answers (10:18:46 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and could still learn a thing or two yourself (10:18:50 PM) Jeremie: Of course. (10:18:52 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and frankly (10:19:01 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you need a few relationship lessons (10:19:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and everytime I try (10:19:15 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you make it seem like I'm crazy (10:19:21 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and just dont see you for what you are (10:19:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: or deserve (10:19:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: which has nothing to do with what's going down inside us (10:20:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm sorry but if you came to me and said I feel like I'm losing my spark for you. I would freak the fuck out like some one lit a fire under my butt to make sure we were fine (10:20:50 PM) SJulianIgnacio: while you sit back and just go (10:20:58 PM) SJulianIgnacio: ohh puleeze basically (10:21:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that feels shitty (10:21:55 PM) Jeremie: I didn't think you really meant it that way. (10:22:10 PM) Jeremie: I didn't think something on that level could ever happen. (10:22:18 PM) Jeremie: I relaxed because I didn't think it ever would. (10:22:39 PM) Jeremie: I wanted to think that I could do that without worrying. (10:26:45 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah I already said that too. that you weren't noticing. and didn't think it could happen. I'm not saying it's gone for goodness sake. I love you baby. I don't like the meh feeling ok? I'm scared to death of the meh feeling. And when I go out and find myself in places maybe I shouldn't completely be if my intents were different, but they aren't, I don't like that I'm tempted. And maybe that's a fault in me, I'm sure it is. I wont deny it. but dear god, I know when that spark is keeping that flame between us lit I'm not tempted by anything. That's the power of us. I believe that. (10:28:13 PM) Jeremie: I don't begrudge your needs, okay? You know that anything you ever really wanted, you could ask me for and I'll find a way to make it happen. (10:28:41 PM) Jeremie: I'm just... reacting because I don't like to hear that your love could ever be anything approaching conditional. (10:28:59 PM) SJulianIgnacio: dont you dare say that (10:29:04 PM) SJulianIgnacio: stop it right there (10:29:30 PM) Jeremie: You just said if we didn't do something about this spark then something would happen. How am I supposed to take that?! (10:34:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: WOW. I would think it would make you want to keep it alive, but instead you go and turn it into that! there's a difference between conditional - meaning not loving someone if such and such things dont happen and I will love you till the damn day the earth ends and well fucking beyond. But here's the problem, you're combining the concept of that love existing - and having personal faults. or choices to make. Love doesn't stop a person from feeling alone. even right in the same room with the one they love. I know you know this feeling. back in the day when you were brooding in the corner as a vampire while you had your whole family, all 4 of us playing together or making a holiday together. I never doubted your love and I still dont. (10:34:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that just doesn't mean... things are as they should be (10:34:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: just like things should have been different for you back then (10:34:48 PM) SJulianIgnacio: could have been better (10:34:58 PM) SJulianIgnacio: your mind was elsewhere (10:35:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: well mine is floating (10:35:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and I'm asking for help and instead your saying these horrible things to me (10:35:39 PM) SJulianIgnacio: like I"m not good enough or right again (10:35:46 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't ... just (10:35:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: fuck why I am I never good enough for you (10:35:57 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you talk about trust (10:36:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but damn (10:36:15 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you dont trust my feelings are legit too (10:36:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: like mine aren't right (10:36:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and yours always are (10:38:22 PM) Jeremie: It's not about if you're good enough for me. The opposite, I feel like you're saying I'm not good enough for you. I'm never doing it right either and I'm still not. I'm doing it so wrong now you're bored to tears. Well, fine. Maybe that's the nature of the universe that I don't get to rest. But I need to know... If I was a stubborn enough ass that I said I am not moving an inch from my couch, what would you do? (10:40:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: sigh. probably push the fridge in front of you (10:40:37 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I couldn't have you starving (10:41:01 PM) SJulianIgnacio: idk Jeremie. I'd be disappointed (10:41:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that I wasn't worth getting up for anymore and keep feeling bad about myself (10:42:01 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that I couldn't keep you interested enough to move (10:42:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: walk around like a zombie crying? (10:42:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: then curl up on your lap (10:42:48 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and just lay there forever (10:45:31 PM) Jeremie: I love you so much, but my behavior is not about you. In a way I get to find some of my own center too. I didn't always want quiet rooms and peaceful hobbies just because being a vampire made me so damn angsty. I did it because part of my nature is a lot quieter than I've ever been allowed to be. I get to think about things now like what I would like to do if I didn't need to fight or hide everyday. And you know what? Being dadly is not a bad choice for me. I like introverted hobbies. (10:46:20 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I don't have a problem with any of that. (10:46:51 PM) SJulianIgnacio: this conversation started with the fangs. do you remember? (10:47:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and you said you weren't sure it was the teeth but an attitude (10:47:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and I said it was the danger that was missing (10:47:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but you made some kind of brush off joke around there (10:48:04 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and I think you're missing the vital part of this whole thing and we've gone off all over (10:49:23 PM) Jeremie: Well see... You say you don't have a problem, but what if we discover that this dangerous attitude isn't me naturally? It's just a product of where I've been. Will I never be able to make you happy again? (10:49:31 PM) SJulianIgnacio: There just really is a difference in being comfortable, and being TOO comfortable. you pass the take me for granted phase. I'm not trying to take your comfort away. I just want some spark. I dont' see why that's such a big deal (10:49:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and (10:49:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: well (10:49:49 PM) SJulianIgnacio: then if that's so (10:50:01 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and that is truly what made me happy, logic says (10:50:03 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that (10:50:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I wouldn't be happy (10:50:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but that's not what I'm saying right now (10:53:39 PM) Jeremie: I feel like that's where its going. You know what I really didn't like about biting you? Even more than being asked to hurt you? I hated having to perform a character for you. As if to say that the thing you really liked about me, what really got you hot, wasn't me at all. I had never treated anyone I ate the way you wanted me to treat you. I apologized to most anyone I had to hurt. I would feel sick for an hour after eating. Acting any other way wasn't me. (10:57:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah. I get you. I know. I remember. Just like me not wanting to do some of my "demon" stuff on you when I was having such a hard time figuring myself out after the change sexually. That was a big deal back then. I don't want you to do anything that would make you feel bad, same as I know you dont want me to either (10:57:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: but here's our problem then (10:57:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I just identified it (10:57:46 PM) SJulianIgnacio: what if, what we want to be treated like isn't in either of us (10:58:00 PM) SJulianIgnacio: what do we do? (10:58:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it doesn't have anything to do with love (10:58:18 PM) SJulianIgnacio: clearly we have that (10:58:24 PM) SJulianIgnacio: so please dont question it (10:59:46 PM) Jeremie: That's hard... I thought eventually it wouldn't matter. It was obvious that we were different from the moment we met. I sort of thought love would make it so it didn't matter. (11:02:55 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I guess it doesn't (11:03:12 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I said I'd just curl up on your lap forever on that couch eventually anyway (11:03:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: same as I'd have murdered someone just to go to hell if that curse was never lifted (11:03:59 PM) SJulianIgnacio: unhappy existence is better than no existence with you (11:04:09 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's love for ya (11:04:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I just... was hoping to get a little more happy out of having that conversation (11:04:31 PM) SJulianIgnacio: it's ok (11:04:59 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I love baby (11:05:07 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I love YOU baby (11:05:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: heh (11:07:36 PM) Jeremie: I believe you. You surprised me before when you said you would do anything to follow me. And you realize I would have done anything I could to stop you. Heh. (11:08:12 PM) Jeremie: I would have rather spent the rest of eternity alone than know you had done that just to be with me. (11:09:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you couldn't have stopped me (11:09:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm too clever (11:15:23 PM) Jeremie: Don't be too sure. I convinced you of the impossible at first. (11:18:28 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that I needed a monkey reserve? (11:18:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (11:18:58 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I still say we shoulda brought those monkies in the house (11:19:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: monkeys (11:19:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: lol (11:19:34 PM) Jeremie: Heh... (11:19:38 PM) Jeremie: Anyway. (11:19:46 PM) SJulianIgnacio: oh poo (11:19:52 PM) SJulianIgnacio: laugh a little (11:19:59 PM) Jeremie: You still haven't told me exactly what it is you want me to do. (11:29:09 PM) Jeremie: Maybe another question would be more helpful. (11:29:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: exactly? you haven't taken a clue after 30 years on the whole talking everything little thing out to the last detail thing ruins the spontenaity thing have you? lol. I so love you baby. I love you so damn much for asking that and making me remember, you're still you. I don't know what I would do if you ever actually knew what you were doing. I might fall over and die of shock. (11:29:32 PM) Jeremie: If I treated you exactly how you wanted me to, what would I do? (11:30:13 PM) Jeremie: That's not helpful! (11:31:40 PM) SJulianIgnacio: Im sorry baby. that question might have irritated me 10 minutes ago, but somehow - it just felt different that time, me being worried you being different changes everything. it changes a lot. but not everything. and if I must... I GUESS I can answer your last question (11:32:27 PM) Jeremie: Me being different how? From you, or from what I used to be? (11:32:57 PM) Jeremie: And even if you give me an idea not to copy :p (11:33:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah, I think you being different from what you used to be when I loved what you used to be even when you didn't has been scarier than you understand (11:33:50 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you've been too busy eating my new recipes to notice much else (11:33:56 PM) Jeremie: It's just that. i don't know. I can't say I would change anything. Us being different doesn't bother me. I've come to terms with us having outside lives. I thought it was a sign of a mature relationship. (11:34:24 PM) SJulianIgnacio: outside lives? (11:34:33 PM) SJulianIgnacio: what's that got to do with this conversation (11:34:43 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I think you're not listening again (11:35:08 PM) Jeremie: Yeah. I don't mind that you have things you like to do without me and I didn't think that me not doing them was a problem. (11:35:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's not the problem at all (11:35:36 PM) SJulianIgnacio: in any way shape or form (11:35:42 PM) SJulianIgnacio: all that is fine and dandy (11:35:58 PM) SJulianIgnacio: you really are missing it aren'tcha? (11:36:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: baby. Im not complaining you have your little hobbies, you know damn well I have my own (11:37:01 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'd be all stifled up if I didn't stretch out (11:37:08 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and so would you (11:37:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm literally speaking of the time we spend together (11:37:30 PM) SJulianIgnacio: nothing else (11:37:44 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's the spark I"m looking for, talking about (11:37:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: not how we pattern or live our lives (11:38:01 PM) SJulianIgnacio: or work (11:38:05 PM) SJulianIgnacio: or God's work (11:38:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: or any of the other (11:38:13 PM) SJulianIgnacio: friends (11:38:16 PM) SJulianIgnacio: whathave you (11:38:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm really talking about the spark with US. when we're together, being us (11:40:10 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I think you're so used to old issues you're not looking beyond what we've already gotten passed (11:40:21 PM) SJulianIgnacio: this is new (11:41:28 PM) Jeremie: Then just go back to my old question. Give me an example. (11:44:09 PM) SJulianIgnacio: idk it's weird because all my newer fantasies suddenly make me feel bad. (11:44:26 PM) SJulianIgnacio: after our talk of how it's not us (11:44:34 PM) Jeremie: Just say it anyway. (11:51:38 PM) SJulianIgnacio: idk, If I were you and I had someone as hot as me running walking around the house, as wonderfully mature a relationship is when people have their two seperate lives, I'd run up when he's trying to leave to his newest baking class, or laser tourny, or church service, or pole dance he wants to run off to and slam his ass up against the wall for a quickie that turns into something not so quick and makes him late rushing off with the biggest grin and loving that his mind is rushing for lies to excuse himself when he arrives whereever he's going and remind him no matter how much he wants to go do those things, that's he's got a damn good reason to hurry home when he's done. I just know, I wouldn't let him forget. And even if I thought our love was so awesome that there was no way he could forget, I'd keep giving him new reasons to dream of coming home and return the favor instead of just coming home to reorganize his arts and crafts drawers (11:53:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I would also bite the fuck out of him and make him beg for things (11:54:18 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I mean if I was an ex vampire turned saint that knew biting wasn't gonna really hurt him anymore (11:54:23 PM) SJulianIgnacio: that's what I would do (11:55:24 PM) Jeremie: Heh. I always knew I wasn't going to hurt you. (11:56:02 PM) SJulianIgnacio: if you knew that then why the hell wouldn't you want to make his every dream come true (11:56:14 PM) Jeremie: Because (11:57:09 PM) Jeremie: I don't know what it is he really wants out of it that would ever be better than what I can make him feel as a man and why he would want to get off on the most painful, soul-ruining moments of my life. (11:57:41 PM) SJulianIgnacio: why does it have to be about that (11:57:54 PM) SJulianIgnacio: why can't you separate that (11:58:22 PM) SJulianIgnacio: nevermind. (11:58:29 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm done talking about it (11:59:11 PM) SJulianIgnacio: actually no (11:59:14 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm not (11:59:25 PM) SJulianIgnacio: I hated demon world (11:59:27 PM) SJulianIgnacio: and fuck (11:59:30 PM) Jeremie: Separate what from what? (4/14/2012 12:00:00 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that doesnt' mean everything that ever fucking happened to me as one is something so gut wrenching that I can't seperate good memories from the bad (12:00:42 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I had good times as a demon too and I dont see why you can't just see parts of your vampire days weren't so bad. I mean (12:00:46 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I was in them (12:01:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: why can't you just relate it in a different way (12:01:14 AM) SJulianIgnacio: why do you have to be so ... guh... (12:01:16 AM) SJulianIgnacio: just (12:01:19 AM) SJulianIgnacio: dramatic (12:01:30 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and have a little fun (12:01:38 AM) SJulianIgnacio: here comes a lecture (12:01:42 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I feel it coming (12:02:53 AM) Jeremie: Maybe because I wasn't born a vampire. It wasn't me. I never connected to it. I just had no choice. And actually... Yeah, most of my time was miserable. Maybe its hard to imagine but its true. I spent most of my time in knots thinking about the next murder I had to commit. (12:03:21 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah yeah yeah. okok. (12:03:26 AM) Jeremie: When I was with you it was different because I didn't have to be that. (12:03:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: lecture done I get it (12:03:29 AM) SJulianIgnacio: never mind (12:03:47 AM) SJulianIgnacio: dont worry about it (12:03:58 AM) SJulianIgnacio: conversation is over again (12:04:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: there's no use in this. (12:04:22 AM) Jeremie: It never is over. It's just over for now. (12:04:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: naw. dont worry. I'll never say the big V word again (12:05:38 AM) SJulianIgnacio: doesn't matter what I wish for. or want or any of all that. I'm all curled up on our lap for all time (12:05:43 AM) SJulianIgnacio: stay comfortable (12:05:46 AM) SJulianIgnacio: don't worry (12:05:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: all is good (12:06:28 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you trust me. (12:07:11 AM) Jeremie: Stop it. I don't even know what it is you want. I never did. What do you want out of it? (12:07:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: excitment (12:07:59 AM) Jeremie: And that's the only way to be exciting? Or just the last way you remember? (12:09:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: not the only way, but the it is the only way I remember feeling that certain feeling in my stomach when you'd touch me. find a way to make me feel it and you wont hear my 2 cents on it again (12:10:34 AM) Jeremie: That's not motivation. I would never do something to shut you up, that's horrible. (12:11:00 AM) SJulianIgnacio: ah but you're missing what's in between the lines (12:12:08 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you'll not only not have to hear that anymore, you'll find a way to have me so turned on by you again i'm begging to suck you off at every turn. that's how it used to be. (12:12:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and that's how I like it (12:15:05 AM) Jeremie: I am probably going to be punched for even thinking this. But what if its okay not to be having sex at every moment anymore? It's not that I don't love you or appreciate you or think that you're the most amazing smokin thing I have ever even dreamed of. It's that. I don't know, just like I said... It's kind of nice to spend a minute not having to be on such a high level of alert anymore. To let the blood pressure lower. I feel like you're really not liking that idea. (12:15:59 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah I hate it (12:16:11 AM) SJulianIgnacio: a lot. and I think I just need to go outside now (12:17:34 AM) Jeremie: Why, though? What does it mean to you to be the opposite of that? (12:19:18 AM) SJulianIgnacio: its not always about doing it either. it's about wanting to. that's where the spark is and now you dont even care about it. seriously jeremie I think I just reached my limit today. I think.... I think.... fuck ... idk... I think I have to ... go... somewhere now... fuck.. just... somewhere. (12:19:43 AM) Jeremie: Jules, that is not what a spark is. (12:19:47 AM) SJulianIgnacio: dont (12:19:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: just dont (12:20:55 AM) Jeremie: You don't! I'm bothered that you define it that way. This whole thing bothers me. (12:21:36 AM) Jeremie: How do I keep on getting blindsided? I'm happy. I'm fine. Then suddenly everything is wrong. (12:21:48 AM) SJulianIgnacio: wonderful. get the shift manager to deal in the jubilee. I seriously am just (12:21:53 AM) SJulianIgnacio: going somewhere a while (12:22:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: sorry but I gotta (12:23:15 AM) Jeremie: No, you know what? Stop. I'm always finding myself staying behind to clean up whatever while you go do what it is you need to do and just. No. Don't even think about it. (12:23:45 AM) SJulianIgnacio: then I'll clean it up when I get back. I know how to work a broom (12:24:09 AM) SJulianIgnacio: K?
(12:24:18 AM) Jeremie: No. (12:24:37 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you can't stop me (12:24:43 AM) Jeremie: Yes I can. (12:24:50 AM) SJulianIgnacio: hows that (12:25:18 AM) Jeremie: I can find you anywhere. (12:25:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: why do you want to follow me for/ (12:26:07 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it's healthy and mature to be serparate (12:26:15 AM) SJulianIgnacio: whatever. go be separate (12:26:24 AM) Jeremie: Because its not okay for you to just run off like that. It's not mature to run off on a problem. (12:27:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: fine. I'll schedule it. for tomorrow after I talk to all my damn employees. K? better? closed sign up. I don't care. ok. I have bigger issues in my mind than dealing with the damn jubilee. (12:28:06 AM) Jeremie: Still no. (12:29:03 AM) SJulianIgnacio: yeah actually yes. I'll take care of anybody not involved in this so their lives aren't so bothered. I need a break. isn't that what you want? me to not want to be near you all the time. congrats (12:29:06 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you got it (12:33:00 AM) Jeremie: No, that is not what I wanted. I don't ever want you to be gone. Fine, you want me to say it? It would be great if we had more similar interests. But we don't so we COPE. You leaving? Is not coping. It's not even dealing. It's refusing. And it makes me damn sad that I could go so far as to let you go to do whatever it is you like to do when I might really want you to stay but I don't because I want to make a better effort to respect who you are... But you can't do the same. All you can talk about is what I was. And miss it. You've never made it more clear that you don't like what I like. You even openly look down on it, acting like it would put you in misery to do it. Curl up on the couch like you're about to die. My ass, Jules. (12:34:53 AM) Jeremie: Maybe you missed the inner tone to what you say. That you don't like what I've become. (12:35:55 AM) Jeremie: Fine, you don't like me. Whatever. I fucking worship you. I kiss your feet. I entertain almost anything if you ask me. I'm just like that. (12:36:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: first off, I like all your hobbies. there's not even like one I'm not interested in. so where you come up with this bullshit is beyond me. NO WAIT... let me revise what you're really saying. You dont notice I love everything YOU do, we have VERY SIMILAR interests because I love EVERYTHING YOU DO. what it boils down to is YOU DONT LOVE everything I do. You're the one coping and tolerateing me (12:36:17 AM) SJulianIgnacio: that's bullshit (12:37:06 AM) Jeremie: If you liked what I like you wouldn't have issues with doing it. But you're cramped and you have to get out. (12:37:30 AM) Jeremie: I cramp you. I bore you. I don't do anything. I'm not passionate. (12:37:43 AM) SJulianIgnacio: HELLO YOUR NEWEST INTEREST IS NOT BEING WITH ME SO MUCH (12:37:47 AM) SJulianIgnacio: sorry if that bothers me (12:37:53 AM) SJulianIgnacio: sorry I'm not interested in that (12:38:13 AM) SJulianIgnacio: this whole angle you're playing at is ridiculous (12:38:49 AM) Jeremie: That is not true. My newest interest is being supportive. I used to say no, no, no all the time, and then you were upset and now you're even more upset when I say yes?! (12:38:59 AM) Jeremie: What should I do, say no again? (12:39:24 AM) SJulianIgnacio: dear lord jeremie you are saying no again. dont you hear yourself. (12:39:32 AM) SJulianIgnacio: are we in the same conversation (12:39:58 AM) Jeremie: Yeah, after it was too much. Yes I did. (12:40:23 AM) SJulianIgnacio: no you dont want to have sex. No it's not you jules, I'm just being supportive by saying no you should like sex less. (12:40:31 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you make no fucking sense to me (12:40:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: like even at all (12:43:24 AM) Jeremie: You're pissed because I don't jump you as often as I used to. It doesn't seem to matter what I say. That its not because I'm not attracted to you. I am. I just wanted to relax. I would have loved to have some time where I didn't think I NEEDED to do anything at all. But there is always something. Make you feel better. Run this, take care of this, fix this. By God I have never resented your needs but damn would I not love some rest! (12:43:53 AM) Jeremie: And that does not include you stomping off. (12:44:22 AM) Jeremie: Forgive me for trusting you to pursue your own interests while I know I am not being the most active. (12:44:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: sorry making love your husband is such a bother. (12:44:33 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't take this (12:44:41 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't even think (12:44:47 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I love you but sorry (12:45:02 AM) Jeremie: Of course not. (12:45:57 AM) Jeremie: I needed this, Jules. I needed to lean on you for this, for just a minute. A wink in the span of our lives. And you resent me and can't take it. (12:46:19 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I love you baby. I love you so much it fucking hurts. but I dont think you even hear how you sound (12:46:41 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I'm sorry but no. I'm not caving on this one. you wont make me feel guilty (12:46:53 AM) SJulianIgnacio: like you always try to do to break me (12:46:56 AM) SJulianIgnacio: but this one (12:47:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I know I'm right (12:47:18 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and I can't stay here right now. I'm sorry. I need time (12:47:44 AM) SJulianIgnacio: time to think so do what you do. there's lots of frozen stuff in the freezer (12:47:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: just heat it up (12:48:11 AM) Jeremie: Think about what? What is there for you to run off for? (12:48:43 AM) SJulianIgnacio: time to not look at you. I can't be in that house (12:48:55 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and know you're in there (12:49:01 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and feel this (12:49:05 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and feel worse (12:49:16 AM) SJulianIgnacio: and my chest ... (12:49:22 AM) SJulianIgnacio: fuck jeremie you just dont get it (12:49:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can't be where everything hurting me is in my face (12:50:37 AM) Jeremie: Yeah, well, while you're off thinking I'm not only having it all in my face, I'm dealing with it and making sure its there when you get back. That's what I always do. So have a great fucking time. (12:51:38 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I can not look at you knowing everything you just said about me is how you really feel. and you know what? fuck you on what you just said too (12:51:43 AM) SJulianIgnacio: because you know what? (12:51:58 AM) SJulianIgnacio: maybe I wont come back. who fucking knows. (12:52:27 AM) SJulianIgnacio: maybe I'll just go do something really ridiculous because being at home and seeing who I love the most (12:52:40 AM) SJulianIgnacio: feels the way you just said you felt is hell to me (12:52:43 AM) SJulianIgnacio: anyway (12:52:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: I might as well just fucking go there (12:52:54 AM) SJulianIgnacio: it'll be a relief (12:54:04 AM) Jeremie: Maybe I'm thinking the same thing? Maybe I feel absolutely fucking empty that I can't satisfy you on my own merits. That you might always push and push for something I'm not until you realize I don't have it. It doesn't matter how I make up for it, does it? It always comes back. (12:54:55 AM) SJulianIgnacio: maybe we've been lying to our damn selves all along? (12:55:13 AM) Jeremie: Maybe it kills me to imagine that what you want isn't ME and it would be SO bad for you to have to spend quiet time with me. (12:55:37 AM) SJulianIgnacio: all we do is spend quiet time anymore and do you hear yourself (12:55:51 AM) SJulianIgnacio: you act like your the only one here (12:55:55 AM) SJulianIgnacio: feeling that (12:56:12 AM) SJulianIgnacio: do you even see you're giving me the exact treatment you say I'm giving you