svelosynco (svelosynco) wrote in thegrand_ic, @ 2012-04-09 20:35:00 |
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Entry tags: | casper jameson knight, taj habib bahar |
Who Casper and Taj
When BEFORE Andy came back.
Where/Type Online Chat
Warnings Possible Language / TBD
Status In progess. Still Adding
(12:49:58 AM) tajmuhull: Hey Casper
(12:50:15 AM) tajmuhull: you getting used to the touch pad on that phone yet
(12:57:32 AM) casperhowls: no
(12:59:24 AM) casperhowls: it's mean
(12:59:36 AM) tajmuhull: the phone is mean?
(12:59:38 AM) tajmuhull: hahah
(12:59:57 AM) casperhowls: yes it's mean
(1:00:34 AM) casperhowls: why are you laughing?
(1:01:28 AM) tajmuhull: it doesn't have feelings Casper
(1:03:30 AM) casperhowls: it should, then i could hurt it
(1:03:43 AM) casperhowls: it doesnt like me
(1:04:04 AM) tajmuhull: aww. I'm sorry. give it some time. you'll get used to it
(1:04:44 AM) casperhowls: you promise?
(1:08:35 AM) tajmuhull: I promise that if you be patient and just keep trying it will come easier and easier with time
(1:08:58 AM) tajmuhull: Hey Casper?
(1:09:07 AM) casperhowls: yeah
(1:09:13 AM) tajmuhull: Do you ever wonder what your purpose is?
(1:09:18 AM) tajmuhull: I mean
(1:09:39 AM) tajmuhull: I'm studying some James Taylor music
(1:09:42 AM) tajmuhull: and
(1:09:50 AM) tajmuhull: this song has me thinking
(1:10:29 AM) tajmuhull: I dont know if you know James Taylor but he's a big artist but he's really well known for this one timeless song called Fire and Rain
(1:10:34 AM) tajmuhull: and
(1:11:01 AM) tajmuhull: years later he wrote this song called That's why I'm here
(1:11:03 AM) tajmuhull: and
(1:11:14 AM) tajmuhull: well there's this verse that says
(1:11:39 AM) tajmuhull: Fortune and fame's such a curious game.Perfect strangers can call you by name.Pay good money to hear fire and rain.Again and again and again.Some are like summer coming back every year.Got your baby got your blanket got your bucket of beer.I break into a grin from ear to ear.And suddenly it's perfectly clear.That's why I'm here
(1:12:14 AM) tajmuhull: and it's like people do that annually
(1:12:21 AM) tajmuhull: see him over and over again
(1:12:38 AM) tajmuhull: sure they like the rest of his stuff but it all comes down to that one song
(1:12:48 AM) tajmuhull: because it touches people
(1:12:53 AM) tajmuhull: all kinds of people
(1:13:20 AM) tajmuhull: and it's like he's realizing he's done something huge touching that many people with it
(1:13:28 AM) tajmuhull: That's why he's here.
(1:13:40 AM) tajmuhull: to help those people feel it
(1:13:51 AM) tajmuhull: and it's a beautiful thing
(1:14:01 AM) tajmuhull: and I think... I want that
(1:14:13 AM) tajmuhull: I want a reason
(1:14:20 AM) tajmuhull: to leave a mark here
(1:14:40 AM) casperhowls: i think
(1:14:57 AM) casperhowls: people leave a mark wherever they go, doesnt matter what they're doing
(1:16:11 AM) casperhowls: besides you already have
(1:16:14 AM) casperhowls: on your brothers
(1:16:15 AM) casperhowls: on me
(1:16:47 AM) tajmuhull: hmm
(1:16:57 AM) tajmuhull: yeah maybe so. i dunno
(1:17:04 AM) tajmuhull: I do think you're right
(1:17:13 AM) tajmuhull: but,
(1:17:58 AM) tajmuhull: it's not good a mark on brother Andy to make him ... well... to make him take care of himself better
(1:18:17 AM) tajmuhull: it's a not a mark that matters
(1:18:25 AM) tajmuhull: it hasn't helped anything
(1:18:45 AM) tajmuhull: and with you
(1:18:49 AM) tajmuhull: that's sweet
(1:18:57 AM) tajmuhull: but, i dunno
(1:19:10 AM) tajmuhull: how have I left a mark on you?
(1:19:17 AM) tajmuhull: I mean, ok I was your first
(1:19:22 AM) tajmuhull: but
(1:19:28 AM) casperhowls: i didn't mean it like that
(1:19:55 AM) tajmuhull: tell me then. because if its not that. I dont get it
(1:20:43 AM) tajmuhull: I was listening to this song earlier today
(1:20:44 AM) tajmuhull: called
(1:20:52 AM) tajmuhull: will my grave be remembered
(1:21:14 AM) tajmuhull: and I've not done anything worth remembering yet
(1:23:23 AM) casperhowls: i thought i was the only non human thing in existence until i met you, you're nice to me even though i don't think i deserve it. you want to be around me even though it puts you in danger. No matter where I end up or what happens in my life I won't forget you, and neither will your brothers. I honestly don't understand the difference between an entire bunch of strangers remembering your name once you die or a small group of people you meant the world to.
Years back an old lady smiled at me on the subway, for no reason at all. She changed my entire day, made it better. I think we have a bigger impact than we think we do...but this probably doesnt make any sense. im not good at explaining things
(1:25:35 AM) tajmuhull: hmm. yeah. Somehow, I think you're right.
(1:25:55 AM) tajmuhull: wow. that sounds like something I might say to someone else
(1:26:13 AM) tajmuhull: I can never see me doing the same things others do
(1:27:59 AM) tajmuhull: I mean, it's like my instincts will just burble stuff out as facts when I dont remember ever learning it. But, my own life... is like.... full of holes. My visions never have me in them.
(1:28:19 AM) tajmuhull: I can't answer my own questions
(1:28:29 AM) casperhowls: what do you dream about?
(1:28:44 AM) casperhowls: like when you go to sleep?
(1:34:51 AM) tajmuhull: oh. lots of stuff. Sometimes I dream of my parents and sometimes I think it's not a dream. Like they're trying to communicate with me and they're still alive. Then I wake up. Sometimes I dream of the past, like back in the boys' home. I do that alot. Sometimes I have nightmares seeing visions over and over of stuff I wish I'd never seen. But, on a really good night, when dreams are fun, I'm exploring, getting a nobel prize, a do a lot of flying and swimming in my dreams.
(1:35:51 AM) tajmuhull: what do you dream of?
(1:37:37 AM) casperhowls: the things i do when i'm a wolf
(1:50:35 AM) tajmuhull: Im sorry.
(1:50:48 AM) tajmuhull: that doesn't sound like you get any good ones
(1:51:10 AM) casperhowls: i have one good one
(1:51:21 AM) casperhowls: i'm playing in the snow
(1:52:06 AM) tajmuhull: Like you're back home?
(1:52:31 AM) tajmuhull: I bet that makes you one of the world's best snowman builders
(1:53:31 AM) tajmuhull: what are you playing. like snow angels and forts and stuff?
(2:00:15 AM) casperhowls: no, i'm still my wolf, but im just playing in the snow and it's all over my nose and cold
(2:03:33 AM) casperhowls: im never a person when i dream
(2:10:28 AM) casperhowls: hey Taj
(2:31:17 AM) tajmuhull: aww.
(2:31:31 AM) tajmuhull: I wonder why not'
(2:31:37 AM) tajmuhull: and yeah?
(2:32:28 AM) casperhowls: what do i look like when im a wolf?
(2:33:21 AM) tajmuhull: Um. like a big dog? lol. ohhhh you're white. like an arctic one
(2:35:01 AM) casperhowls: so i don't turn half human wolf thing like in the movies?
(2:35:38 AM) tajmuhull: nono. not like that
(2:35:58 AM) tajmuhull: more like a wolf
(2:36:14 AM) tajmuhull: not some weird movie thing
(11:41:06 PM) tajmuhull: Hey Casper? how do you not know what you look like as a wolf?
(11:47:58 PM) casperhowls: what do you mean?
(11:51:18 PM) tajmuhull: well you asked what you looked like. I guess I just never thought about it. I suppose werewolves dont go around looking in mirrors
(11:51:44 PM) casperhowls: and i don't remember moon nights
(11:51:48 PM) casperhowls: mostly
(11:53:24 PM) tajmuhull: man. I guess I never really thought about that either. I'm sorry
(11:57:30 PM) casperhowls: dont be sorry
(11:57:32 PM) casperhowls: itts okay
(4/10/2012 12:04:14 AM) tajmuhull: ok. so like. can I ask you something kinda personal too?
(12:05:10 AM) casperhowls: sure
(12:06:06 AM) tajmuhull: have you ever loved somebody that didn't love you back?
(12:06:40 AM) casperhowls: in like a romantic way?
(12:06:47 AM) tajmuhull: well yeah.
(12:07:05 AM) tajmuhull: but I guess it doesn't have to be
(12:07:12 AM) casperhowls: i've never felt that way about someone before
(12:07:18 AM) casperhowls: so no
(12:09:39 AM) casperhowls: you?
(12:13:31 AM) tajmuhull: well yeah. that's sorta why I was asking. I mean.. remember how I said I can see stuff for other's people's lives and not my own? Im not so good at advice sometimes. But, well.... if someone told you they loved you, and you have the abilities I do, so you know that they're not lying. OH did I mention you can't lie to me? Like don't even bother. I'll know. But, what I've learned from that is that even if someone loves you doesn't mean they know how to treat you right. or be there as they should be.
(12:13:33 AM) tajmuhull: so like
(12:14:07 AM) tajmuhull: if you had the ability to know this for sure
(12:14:19 AM) tajmuhull: would you deal with it?
(12:14:29 AM) tajmuhull: how long would you deal with it?
(12:14:42 AM) tajmuhull: what if you promised you'd always be there no matter what?
(12:14:48 AM) tajmuhull: but sometimes you think
(12:15:06 AM) tajmuhull: no matter what is a lot bigger than you realized at the time?
(12:15:46 AM) casperhowls: I'm confused
(12:16:07 AM) tajmuhull: ok which part I'll try to explain more
(12:16:16 AM) tajmuhull: I get ahead of myself sometimes
(12:21:53 AM) casperhowls: all of it. nothing like that has ever happened to me before. i don't understand it
(12:22:43 AM) tajmuhull: ok. well it's a sphinx thing. I can tell when someone is lying. that's first
(12:22:49 AM) tajmuhull: but
(12:24:06 AM) tajmuhull: I hear someone I fell in love with tell me they love me back and I don't sense a lie because lies are subjective sometimes. If one believes something well enough, they aren't lying. see?
(12:24:34 AM) tajmuhull: but they don't treat me like a person that loves me
(12:24:38 AM) tajmuhull: so
(12:24:43 AM) tajmuhull: I'm thinking
(12:27:47 AM) tajmuhull: that sucks. and it's been going on for so long, I mean, we're "just friends" now. because he thinks he's not good enough for me. And I promised myself I would be there no matter what and I promised him too. I'm not a person who breaks promises on purpose. but what if... I liked someone else? I mean... what I mean is... I don't let people in. I don't talk to people. Like not about real stuff. And maybe I want to. Does that make me a bad person for thinking of that when this person doesn't love me anyway... at least... no properly.
(12:29:01 AM) casperhowls: i don't see why you can't like someone and still be there. or am i still not understanding this?
(12:31:49 AM) tajmuhull: Maybe you're right. idk. Ok it's like this. I guess I really gotta spell this one out. I've been waiting for them to change their minds. I think they know this. What I mean is, I never planned on being with anyone else, not really. But, I think I want to. and well... maybe... idk.. I'm just scared of change. idk
(12:32:30 AM) tajmuhull: it's letting go of something I've held on to my whole life
(12:32:34 AM) tajmuhull: put it that way
(12:32:48 AM) tajmuhull: to even decide to open up to someone else
(12:32:54 AM) tajmuhull: that's kind of a big deal
(12:33:00 AM) tajmuhull: to me
(12:34:34 AM) casperhowls: do you want to let go of it though?
(12:36:57 AM) tajmuhull: I think I get really tired of being hurt. and being second best and third best and fourth best and so on and so forth. I thought I'd be strong enough to last forever. I just...
(12:37:02 AM) tajmuhull: don't think I'm that strong
(12:37:33 AM) tajmuhull: I'm really tired
(12:37:43 AM) tajmuhull: I just want to be happy
(12:38:37 AM) tajmuhull: I'm scared to let go. I don't know that I know how to live right without it.
(12:38:46 AM) tajmuhull: it's a weird crutch
(12:38:56 AM) casperhowls: i hope you find it. the happiness i mean. whoever these people are they're very lucky to have you.
(12:39:13 AM) tajmuhull: I guess. idk that they are
(12:39:55 AM) tajmuhull: casper? I miss you being around
(12:40:33 AM) casperhowls: why wouldn't they be?
(12:40:37 AM) casperhowls: i'm around
(12:41:54 AM) tajmuhull: because if I break the pattern, even if I'm not technically with them anymore at all, it's like... I'm not sure what that will cause
(12:42:20 AM) tajmuhull: and I want you to come around more often
(12:42:55 AM) tajmuhull: it's like they depend on me in certain ways
(12:43:24 AM) tajmuhull: and I'm not sure if I'm not waiting around on them, like I always am, if I can be there in all the ways i am sometimes
(12:43:47 AM) tajmuhull: and I'm scared they'll go get themselves in trouble if I stop
(12:43:52 AM) tajmuhull: I mean
(12:44:04 AM) tajmuhull: they get bad depressed
(12:44:26 AM) tajmuhull: like the kind of depressed that had them have suicide attempt before
(12:44:34 AM) tajmuhull: and that scared me to death
(12:45:29 AM) tajmuhull: It's not just about if we're together or not. It's about can I really be there in all the ways I am, if I cut that feeling off?
(12:48:13 AM) tajmuhull: do you how shitty I will feel if something happens because I pursue my life in a different way?
(12:48:34 AM) tajmuhull: I think I'm just scared
(12:48:42 AM) casperhowls: im sorry
(12:50:54 AM) tajmuhull: don't be sorry. It just.. idk.. shouldn't feel this complicated just because I like someone
(12:52:14 AM) casperhowls: is there anything i can do to help?
(12:53:02 AM) tajmuhull: idk. you can tell me something honestly, if you can
(12:53:51 AM) tajmuhull: I mean, are you interested in me at all?
(12:54:18 AM) casperhowls: wait
(12:55:06 AM) tajmuhull: ok
(12:55:21 AM) casperhowls: you were talking about me?
(12:55:42 AM) tajmuhull: yeah?
(12:55:58 AM) tajmuhull: is this the moment you tell me it's not like that?
(12:56:06 AM) tajmuhull: it's cool. I get that all the time
(12:56:18 AM) tajmuhull: I wont hold it against you
(12:56:26 AM) casperhowls: do you always put words in people's mouths?
(12:56:49 AM) tajmuhull: no. I just, ... I get that a lot more than I get ... other... stuff
(12:57:00 AM) casperhowls: oh
(12:58:43 AM) tajmuhull: yeah
(12:59:02 AM) casperhowls: im sorry you get that alot
(1:00:05 AM) tajmuhull: no big deal
(1:00:10 AM) tajmuhull: I'm used to it
(1:00:34 AM) casperhowls: but you're wrong though. its not, not like that
(1:02:30 AM) tajmuhull: oh? uh.. heh.
(1:02:40 AM) tajmuhull: I think I might be smiling
(1:03:19 AM) tajmuhull: I think I never heard that. so, I wasn't sure what to say for a minute
(1:03:29 AM) tajmuhull: then I just sounded really dumb
(1:03:32 AM) tajmuhull: heh
(1:05:03 AM) casperhowls: im sorry for making you scared
(1:07:32 AM) tajmuhull: oh uh. no please dont be sorry. You can't help what my situation is.
(1:07:45 AM) tajmuhull: That was all my doing
(1:08:19 AM) tajmuhull: I like talking to you
(1:14:03 AM) casperhowls: i like talking to you too but i don't want to make you sad
(1:14:29 AM) tajmuhull: you aren't the one making me sad casper
(1:14:49 AM) tajmuhull: you're the one reminding me happy exists out there
(1:14:55 AM) tajmuhull: I think I forgot
(1:16:25 AM) tajmuhull: I'm not trying to make you upset or sad either. I'm just... well... sharing with you what's going on in my life. I don't usually do that. and I want to... with you
(1:18:09 AM) tajmuhull: I think... it's cuz... I trust you
(1:19:19 AM) casperhowls: why?
(1:22:35 AM) tajmuhull: I don't know. I just feel it. I can spot a liar a mile away. You would mean to do anything. And you're life. You get it. You get the people eating and non of my brothers totally get that even if they accept it. and idk...
(1:22:40 AM) tajmuhull: I just do
(1:22:51 AM) tajmuhull: wouldn't*
(1:23:18 AM) tajmuhull: I trust my gut
(1:24:00 AM) tajmuhull: do you trust me?
(1:24:11 AM) casperhowls: yeah
(1:24:19 AM) tajmuhull: why
(1:24:24 AM) tajmuhull: :P
(1:24:37 AM) casperhowls: my wolf trusts you
(1:24:59 AM) tajmuhull: my sphinx trusts you
(1:25:23 AM) casperhowls: i wouldnt trust a werewolf
(1:26:40 AM) tajmuhull: I trust you wouldn't do anything to hurt me on purpose
(1:26:47 AM) tajmuhull: and that's good enough for me
(1:26:52 AM) tajmuhull: I know what you are
(1:26:59 AM) tajmuhull: and I understand the risks
(1:30:22 AM) casperhowls: okay
(1:33:47 AM) tajmuhull: good. :)
(1:40:38 AM) casperhowls: :-)
(1:41:31 AM) tajmuhull: the full moon is soon. will you be coming around again?
(1:41:44 AM) casperhowls: i don't know
(1:41:46 AM) casperhowls: maybe
(1:41:57 AM) casperhowls: if i do keep the doors locked
(1:42:05 AM) tajmuhull: hmmm.
(1:42:26 AM) tajmuhull: I suppose. but idk
(1:42:34 AM) casperhowls: please
(1:43:28 AM) tajmuhull: wouldn't it be better for you to show up at my place on night like that? knowing I can probably handle the situation better than whatever you're out there eating?
(1:43:47 AM) tajmuhull: just a thought
(1:43:57 AM) tajmuhull: but I'll do whatever you want
(1:46:32 AM) casperhowls: i'm hungry Taj...and I don't want to eat you
(1:47:07 AM) tajmuhull: I promise
(1:47:24 AM) tajmuhull: no roof star bathing either I guess? HAHAHAHA
(1:47:36 AM) casperhowls: no
(1:48:58 AM) tajmuhull: alright alright. <3 but I'm still glad we met that way
(1:49:17 AM) casperhowls: promise you'll stay inside?
(1:49:34 AM) tajmuhull: yes I promise
ol. thanks casper.
(2:00:04 AM) casperhowls: no problem
(1:56:16 AM) tajmuhull: will you promise to come by after the moon? so I know no hunters have gotta ya
(1:56:46 AM) tajmuhull: gotten*
(1:57:12 AM) casperhowls: i promise
(1:59:13 AM) tajmuhull: cool. thanks casper.
(2:00:04 AM) casperhowls: no problem