svelosynco (svelosynco) wrote in thegrand_ic, @ 2012-03-11 19:54:00 |
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Entry tags: | andrew kirin, caim/adrian marius, casper jameson knight, kareem okonwo, taj habib bahar |
Who: Andy and Taj
When: March 11th
Type: AIM chat
What: Andy opens up about Adrian, talk of Casper, and chatting about the reunion
Warnings: language
Status: Complete
(2:43:27 PM) d throughghosts: Taj?
(2:43:56 PM) tajmuhull: Oh hey. there you are
(2:44:06 PM) d throughghosts: you okay?
(2:44:29 PM) tajmuhull: Sure. I'm always Ok. I wanna talk about you
(2:44:52 PM) tajmuhull: whatever prompted you to say what you said online
(2:44:57 PM) tajmuhull: and your trip
(2:45:08 PM) tajmuhull: your voicemail sounded happy
(2:45:12 PM) tajmuhull: and now
(2:45:13 PM) tajmuhull: idk
(2:45:15 PM) tajmuhull: you didn't
(2:45:31 PM) d throughghosts: i don't know
(2:45:53 PM) d throughghosts: weird things happened out there
(2:46:07 PM) tajmuhull: I'm listening. what weird things
(2:51:10 PM) d throughghosts: I thought it was just the usual, you know. he had no one to go with him on holiday and i was a handy screw. and he was nice, you know, but i remembered like... well, i know what it is, with him. but he was different out there. he kept saying he wanted me to know him, idk.
(2:51:27 PM) d throughghosts: i know he didn't mean it
(2:52:09 PM) d throughghosts: but i still felt. i dont know. im stupid
(2:52:25 PM) d throughghosts: i just keep walking into the same walls
(2:53:10 PM) tajmuhull: I think the only wall you're walking into is not letting people get to know you
(2:53:15 PM) tajmuhull: or knowing people
(2:53:24 PM) tajmuhull: I do the same thing
(2:53:31 PM) tajmuhull: but I don't care
(2:53:35 PM) tajmuhull: I have you guys
(2:53:45 PM) tajmuhull: I don't care about letting others in sometimes
(2:53:48 PM) tajmuhull: but sometimes
(2:53:56 PM) tajmuhull: I think I'm screwing myself over
(2:54:00 PM) tajmuhull: just sometimes
(2:54:13 PM) d throughghosts: im sorry
(2:54:21 PM) tajmuhull: and I really think... you are
(2:54:25 PM) tajmuhull: screwing yourself over
(2:54:51 PM) tajmuhull: and Look... I obviously don't know this guy... but if he's nice... what's the worse that can happen?
(2:54:55 PM) tajmuhull: if you tried?
(2:55:00 PM) tajmuhull: it doesn't work out?
(2:55:07 PM) tajmuhull: nothing ever does anyway
(2:55:17 PM) d throughghosts: exactly
(2:55:43 PM) tajmuhull: So, I'm not saying go in blind Andy... but you get me right?
(2:56:00 PM) d throughghosts: im fooling myself even thinking it could go anywhere, or that it meant anything
(2:56:30 PM) d throughghosts: you're all i need
(2:56:33 PM) d throughghosts: you guys
(2:56:41 PM) tajmuhull: I don't know why you think that though? For real. Like with me... I think... I skip over good people all the time...
(2:56:51 PM) tajmuhull: Like it's me
(2:56:53 PM) tajmuhull: not them
(2:57:01 PM) tajmuhull: you always think no one can love you
(2:57:14 PM) tajmuhull: I think other people have the ability
(2:57:14 PM) d throughghosts: its not you, you're perfect
(2:57:19 PM) tajmuhull: I just don't want it
(2:57:26 PM) tajmuhull: you seem to think
(2:57:29 PM) tajmuhull: nobody can
(2:57:37 PM) tajmuhull: and yeah, it really is me
(2:57:41 PM) tajmuhull: but I choose it
(2:57:52 PM) tajmuhull: you do it in a different way
(2:57:58 PM) tajmuhull: cut people off for different reasons
(2:58:05 PM) tajmuhull: reasons that are unfounded
(2:58:31 PM) tajmuhull: like you're worthless
(2:58:36 PM) tajmuhull: and unloveable
(2:58:38 PM) tajmuhull: and
(2:58:44 PM) tajmuhull: that's ridiculous
(2:58:55 PM) tajmuhull: he would be a fool not to have an interest in you
(2:59:11 PM) tajmuhull: and you're telling me he claims it
(2:59:20 PM) d throughghosts: its the truth. i need to be honest about it
(2:59:33 PM) d throughghosts: im not that kind of person
(2:59:54 PM) tajmuhull: you're not what kind of person. I'd love to hear you define what that kind of person is
(3:00:50 PM) d throughghosts: im not the kind of person people fall in love with and make a life with and all the things you see on TV, those stupid romcoms
(3:01:04 PM) d throughghosts: im not a romcom, im a porno
(3:01:25 PM) d throughghosts: im not even a legal porno
(3:01:48 PM) d throughghosts: im one people are ashamed to admit they watc
(3:01:49 PM) d throughghosts: h
(3:02:03 PM) d throughghosts: i can't keep acting like im not
(3:02:12 PM) tajmuhull: You're of age. you say that because of the past you can't let go.
(3:02:35 PM) tajmuhull: and trust me. you are the type people fall in love with
(3:02:37 PM) tajmuhull: I know
(3:02:41 PM) tajmuhull: and
(3:02:54 PM) tajmuhull: would want to make a life with
(3:02:55 PM) tajmuhull: and
(3:03:08 PM) tajmuhull: not everyone pictures a life like sitcom
(3:03:19 PM) tajmuhull: not everyone wants Leave it to Beaver
(3:03:25 PM) tajmuhull: or the fucking Brady Bunch
(3:03:46 PM) tajmuhull: Some people want something more real
(3:04:08 PM) tajmuhull: and
(3:04:51 PM) tajmuhull: fuck that porno shit Andy. Shit happened. If you really want to not lie to yourself I'll tell you something
(3:05:14 PM) tajmuhull: But you have to promise not to run off or log off right now if I do
(3:05:25 PM) tajmuhull: you and me Andy. real talk
(3:05:33 PM) d throughghosts: ok
(3:05:55 PM) tajmuhull: ok then... well
(3:10:51 PM) tajmuhull: You go through these damn motions of what you do with these men, over and over... you say it just keeps happening, but you keep putting yourself in that position, because your past has sunk so far into your cells, you can't let it go... it's not because of who you are, it's because of what has a hold of you, living it over and over again. I'm sorry that it's shaken you to the core. But, I think... you're so stuck in your own rut that it blinds you to see the good people... maybe this guy is an asshole... I'm not vouching for the guy... but, everytime you someone be nice you're suspicious.... some people... are nice... some people have problems AND are nice... like me... like YOU...
(3:10:53 PM) tajmuhull: and
(3:11:18 PM) tajmuhull: let me tell you my favorite quote because it makes too much sense right now
(3:11:29 PM) tajmuhull: A Persian poet wrote it
(3:12:15 PM) tajmuhull: Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it
(3:12:22 PM) tajmuhull: sorry but you and me
(3:12:36 PM) tajmuhull: we just have a lot built in us against it
(3:12:40 PM) tajmuhull: that's the truth
(3:12:50 PM) tajmuhull: you even moreso
(3:13:01 PM) tajmuhull: because I can identify it
(3:13:55 PM) d throughghosts: im sorry
(3:14:02 PM) tajmuhull: I'm not mad Andy
(3:14:08 PM) tajmuhull: don't be sorry
(3:14:54 PM) tajmuhull: but I just can't stand you thinking you need to admit to yourself something that isn't true
(3:15:08 PM) tajmuhull: you're worth everything
(3:15:25 PM) tajmuhull: and you are perfectly worthy of building a life with someone
(3:15:37 PM) tajmuhull: you are
(3:15:37 PM) d throughghosts: i know you'll never see it, but it is. im not, i can't.
(3:15:54 PM) tajmuhull: I know you can't. But I know something else too
(3:16:06 PM) tajmuhull: I know you can't... right now
(3:16:12 PM) tajmuhull: that doesnt' mean
(3:16:17 PM) tajmuhull: you'll never be ready
(3:16:29 PM) tajmuhull: You see not being able to now
(3:16:35 PM) tajmuhull: as not being capable
(3:16:46 PM) tajmuhull: I don't see it that way at all
(3:17:05 PM) d throughghosts: i can't baby, that's not what im for
(3:17:17 PM) d throughghosts: its not
(3:17:34 PM) tajmuhull: I know you're going to keep saying that... right now... but someday you'll see different
(3:17:57 PM) tajmuhull: Enough time ... you'll see
(3:36:05 PM) d throughghosts: i don't know how you can think that. if there is a reason why we're put here, mine is so that some lonley guy has somewhere to put his cock. your baby brother is a slut and that's all, and he's a moron for thinking any different
(3:37:10 PM) tajmuhull: I have to ask you something else.
(3:37:20 PM) tajmuhull: Do you think I'm a moron Andy?
(3:37:29 PM) tajmuhull: Like seriously?
(3:37:59 PM) tajmuhull: If you think you can be nothing more than that, and thinking any different is moronic
(3:38:05 PM) tajmuhull: you might as well be calling me one
(5:00:09 PM) d throughghosts: no, no, because you taj, beautiful, you don't see me as i am, with all the bad parts. you just see me as good because you're my brother and you love me. but it's true, i know what i am and thinking any different is just fooling myself. especially with adrian.
(5:00:55 PM) tajmuhull: why especially him?
(5:01:12 PM) tajmuhull: what is this big thing you have about him. you have boyfriends come and go
(5:01:19 PM) tajmuhull: and you dont usually go on like this
(5:01:42 PM) tajmuhull: you like him more than you want to admit?
(5:01:58 PM) d throughghosts: no
(5:02:02 PM) d throughghosts: just
(5:02:23 PM) tajmuhull: what?
(5:02:32 PM) tajmuhull: you trying to save him from getting hurt too?
(5:02:35 PM) tajmuhull: like me
(5:02:39 PM) d throughghosts: when im with him its different
(5:02:49 PM) d throughghosts: its like he clouds my mind
(5:03:08 PM) tajmuhull: is that bad?
(5:03:18 PM) tajmuhull: clouds how?
(5:03:22 PM) d throughghosts: then after i remember that its not always like that
(5:03:34 PM) tajmuhull: I'm not following
(5:03:38 PM) d throughghosts: like i think that he means what he says
(5:03:38 PM) tajmuhull: explain
(5:03:47 PM) tajmuhull: ok? what's he say?
(5:05:00 PM) d throughghosts: stupid things, like he wants me to know him. like he wants to make me feel good just for me.
(5:05:32 PM) tajmuhull: why is that stupid tho?
(5:05:35 PM) d throughghosts: like he actually cares about me or something, but i know he doesnt
(5:05:50 PM) tajmuhull: what if he does? how do you know he doesnt?
(5:06:43 PM) d throughghosts: like the first time we did anything. you know? that i can't remember properly?
(5:07:13 PM) d throughghosts: and then there was the time after i went to see his showw
(5:07:21 PM) tajmuhull: ok? you get timeblackouts when you ... well... ya know
(5:08:14 PM) tajmuhull: but I'm not sure that means, he did something bad. Can't those flashback things happen really anytime? even right now ... there's no medically set rule for that
(5:08:25 PM) tajmuhull: but what happened at his show?
(5:08:37 PM) d throughghosts: i dont know
(5:08:43 PM) d throughghosts: it was usual
(5:08:52 PM) tajmuhull: usual?
(5:09:25 PM) d throughghosts: we were just, you know, i was up over a dresser and things but then it all went weird
(5:09:40 PM) d throughghosts: it hurt
(5:09:50 PM) tajmuhull: ah.
(5:10:03 PM) d throughghosts: and he didnt notice that it happened
(5:10:10 PM) d throughghosts: it was like it didnt and i dont know
(5:10:28 PM) tajmuhull: so let me get this straight...
(5:10:40 PM) d throughghosts: and then on one hand he gets like that and on the other he gets so i dont know
(5:10:46 PM) d throughghosts: intense
(5:10:48 PM) d throughghosts: i dont know
(5:12:02 PM) tajmuhull: you meet this guy at random like anyone else, expecting what you expect from everyone else, get what you expect from everyone, but sometimes it's not what you expect? like something you wish could happen, but you feel can't, won't, and couldn't happen to you, because you're just not that kind of person?
(5:12:08 PM) tajmuhull: does that sum it up
(5:13:59 PM) d throughghosts: i met this guy. he bangs my brains out like an animal one minute then treats me like im worth something to him the next and i know i shouldn't but i can't help but keep going back, like something inside is dragging me in
(5:14:29 PM) d throughghosts: he's two extremes that i shouldn't have
(5:14:34 PM) tajmuhull: ok. let me just say a couple then
(5:17:51 PM) tajmuhull: I have "banged the brains out of people" before because sex is just good that way, and it doesn't have to equal not caring. it can equal being really damn horny. but, just a thought for a minute? back up and you tell me because I don't know... you meet him, he does what every one else does to you that you go back to, and then starts to act like he cares and that you might be worth something? Is it possible he did what you did and thought you were just gonna be another fuck but is growing new feelings? It does happen.
(5:19:08 PM) d throughghosts: i dont know
(5:21:28 PM) tajmuhull: I mean, come on here. Truth? Like you haven't gone and just fucked people. I have. And it's not like, I'm romancing these people
(5:21:46 PM) tajmuhull: but, a few times
(5:21:55 PM) tajmuhull: I started to like them
(5:21:59 PM) tajmuhull: then
(5:22:03 PM) tajmuhull: idk
(5:22:07 PM) tajmuhull: I always change my mind
(5:22:09 PM) d throughghosts: im sorry
(5:22:20 PM) tajmuhull: what are you saying sorry for?
(5:22:20 PM) d throughghosts: what should i do
(5:22:45 PM) d throughghosts: for being a hypocrite
(5:25:47 PM) tajmuhull: I'll tell you what I always tell you Andy. You have to go and do what you feel is right. If you don't know what right is, if you're that confused, you can't just ignore your gut instincts either, if something about him scares you, maybe you're right, maybe there's something wrong, but, I just worry - you're cutting yourself off for fear of the wrong thing. if you ever feel you should see him. Then I think you should. as much as that kinda hurts me to say it. But, yeah I do. It's the only way for you to keep finding the answers to your questions
(5:26:42 PM) d throughghosts: ok
(5:28:15 PM) d throughghosts: so ill see him again then
(5:29:32 PM) tajmuhull: ok. just Andy?
(5:29:38 PM) tajmuhull: if something else bad happens.
(5:29:44 PM) tajmuhull: Don't wait so long to mention it
(5:30:10 PM) d throughghosts: it wasnt that bad i suppose. like you said.
(5:30:24 PM) d throughghosts: i get confused just
(5:30:34 PM) d throughghosts: i dont know
(5:32:05 PM) tajmuhull: If I get any feelings I'll let you know
(5:32:14 PM) tajmuhull: I started seeing things again
(5:32:32 PM) tajmuhull: after I came home from my trip
(5:32:53 PM) d throughghosts: what things? what happened?
(5:34:39 PM) tajmuhull: well the trip was one thing. but it was after that was amazing, but hopefully not bad, but kinda scary. I mean you know how I like, haven't been in touch with the other part of me lately, well it was like... well it was almost like some instict kicked in from holding out so long, and once I shifted to my other form, everything came flooding back in
(5:34:49 PM) tajmuhull: I mean, I didn't even mean to shift
(5:34:53 PM) tajmuhull: but
(5:34:57 PM) tajmuhull: seriously
(5:35:06 PM) tajmuhull: a fucking werewolf was on my roof
(5:35:21 PM) d throughghosts: what?! Are you okay???
(5:35:38 PM) tajmuhull: it was chasing me around like a dog wanting to eat a cat or bird
(5:35:46 PM) tajmuhull: choking on my feathers
(5:35:49 PM) tajmuhull: haha
(5:35:52 PM) d throughghosts: it bit you?!
(5:35:55 PM) tajmuhull: ok maybe that's sort of funny
(5:35:57 PM) tajmuhull: but no
(5:35:59 PM) tajmuhull: it didn't
(5:36:00 PM) d throughghosts: no it isnt1
(5:36:02 PM) d throughghosts: *!
(5:36:06 PM) d throughghosts: it didnt?
(5:36:12 PM) d throughghosts: and you're okay?
(5:36:16 PM) d throughghosts: not hurt??
(5:36:31 PM) tajmuhull: Yeah, I"m fine. No, i'm not hurt. the problem is the moon left
(5:36:45 PM) tajmuhull: he turned back into a person. This guy knows who I am
(5:36:55 PM) tajmuhull: I dont usually let people knwo who I am
(5:37:11 PM) tajmuhull: I had no choice but to try and make friends with the guy
(5:37:19 PM) tajmuhull: so he wouldn't tell
(5:37:45 PM) tajmuhull: but I barely know him
(5:37:49 PM) tajmuhull: it makes me nervous
(5:37:54 PM) tajmuhull: him knowing
(5:38:01 PM) tajmuhull: even if I know about him
(5:38:18 PM) d throughghosts: did he threaten you?
(5:38:59 PM) tajmuhull: no
(5:39:18 PM) tajmuhull: but ending up with some stranger nake on my roof isn't my idea of a great evening
(5:39:32 PM) tajmuhull: and my roof is all torn up
(5:39:39 PM) tajmuhull: I gotta reshingle it now
(5:40:58 PM) d throughghosts: if he does anything to hurt you i'll kill him. i dont care. and if he tries to expose you no one will believe him
(5:41:15 PM) d throughghosts: and ill help, with the roof
(5:41:23 PM) d throughghosts: what happened?
(5:42:07 PM) tajmuhull: yeah ok about the roof. and well, heh... I was in sphinx form and jumping around chasing it and he was chasing me back.
(5:42:09 PM) tajmuhull: I mean
(5:42:14 PM) tajmuhull: I have big feet
(5:42:17 PM) tajmuhull: claws
(5:42:24 PM) tajmuhull: the roof can't handle that
(5:42:31 PM) tajmuhull: sort of playing around
(5:42:46 PM) d throughghosts: you played?
(5:42:52 PM) tajmuhull: well, yeah
(5:43:01 PM) d throughghosts: so not bad chasing?
(5:43:14 PM) tajmuhull: He was growling and snarling at me. but I don't know. it was kinda funny
(5:43:25 PM) tajmuhull: maybe it's the feline part of me
(5:43:35 PM) tajmuhull: I just wanted to chase him
(5:43:42 PM) tajmuhull: I swatted at him good too
(5:43:52 PM) tajmuhull: pounced him
(5:44:11 PM) tajmuhull: it was weird
(5:44:16 PM) d throughghosts: i dont like it
(5:44:22 PM) d throughghosts: growling at you and all
(5:44:26 PM) tajmuhull: that's what I mean by my instincts just kicked in out of nowhere
(5:44:32 PM) tajmuhull: but yeah
(5:44:44 PM) tajmuhull: no matter how much bigger I was than him
(5:44:47 PM) tajmuhull: the truth is
(5:44:59 PM) tajmuhull: with lycanthropy coursing through his veins
(5:45:04 PM) tajmuhull: that was dangerous
(5:45:05 PM) tajmuhull: to me
(5:45:09 PM) tajmuhull: if he bit
(5:45:19 PM) tajmuhull: he snapped more than once
(5:45:26 PM) d throughghosts: could that work on you?
(5:46:05 PM) tajmuhull: I think so? I don't know. I feel like my gut instinct says yes it could
(5:46:22 PM) d throughghosts: how?!
(5:48:11 PM) tajmuhull: wait
(5:48:15 PM) tajmuhull: Andy
(5:48:21 PM) tajmuhull: it just happened
(5:48:23 PM) d throughghosts: ?
(5:48:24 PM) tajmuhull: again
(5:48:29 PM) tajmuhull: I told you man
(5:48:34 PM) d throughghosts: what, you saw something?
(5:48:36 PM) tajmuhull: ever since I shifted again
(5:48:44 PM) tajmuhull: it's been coming to me like crazy
(5:48:55 PM) tajmuhull: I think it's the connection
(5:48:57 PM) tajmuhull: ya know
(5:49:04 PM) tajmuhull: but no.
(5:49:13 PM) tajmuhull: It can't affect me
(5:49:19 PM) tajmuhull: only humans
(5:49:22 PM) tajmuhull: I just know it
(5:49:26 PM) tajmuhull: like
(5:49:27 PM) tajmuhull: I just
(5:49:29 PM) tajmuhull: KNOW
(5:49:45 PM) tajmuhull: so cool
(5:49:53 PM) d throughghosts: ohh
(5:50:00 PM) d throughghosts: i still dont like it
(5:50:27 PM) tajmuhull: yeah, I've never told anyone who I am before
(5:50:32 PM) tajmuhull: but you guys
(5:50:50 PM) tajmuhull: It makes me feel a little too vulnerable
(5:50:53 PM) tajmuhull: or something like that
(5:51:00 PM) d throughghosts: im not joking baby, i will kill him
(5:51:15 PM) tajmuhull: Well, his name is Casper
(5:51:21 PM) tajmuhull: if you see him around
(5:51:39 PM) d throughghosts: i will
(5:51:53 PM) tajmuhull: hopefully it wont come to that
(5:52:08 PM) tajmuhull: I'm just a little on edge
(5:52:14 PM) d throughghosts: he attacked you thoug
(5:52:17 PM) d throughghosts: *
(5:52:25 PM) tajmuhull: but it was when he couldnt' help it
(5:52:28 PM) tajmuhull: not himself
(5:52:31 PM) tajmuhull: I know this
(5:52:33 PM) tajmuhull: but still
(5:52:59 PM) d throughghosts: :S
(5:55:23 PM) tajmuhull: I gotta admit, it went from me turning around falling over, almost falling off the roof he startled me so bad. I don't even know how he got up there. to jumping around, shifting. tearing up my roof, the sun coming up, and then him falling off the roof, hanging off my gutter and me saving his ass, shifting back, being naked and scrambling around for my sleeping bags to cover up. It was just the weirdest ass night ever
(5:56:51 PM) tajmuhull: god the paper boy showed up and was all crouching down before he gotta glimpse of my bare ass too
(5:56:54 PM) tajmuhull: gah
(6:05:14 PM) d throughghosts: im sorry, i should have been there
(6:05:41 PM) tajmuhull: you were in Bora Bora? I never did have that straight
(6:08:50 PM) d throughghosts: i was
(6:09:11 PM) d throughghosts: i should have been with you
(6:10:08 PM) tajmuhull: You're fine Andy, I'm fine too. so ok. besides the bedroom stuff we talked about, did you do anything fun there, I mean, damn... what I would give to travel world.
(6:10:17 PM) tajmuhull: I'm not allowed to go so far right now
(6:10:26 PM) tajmuhull: unless I get clearance
(6:10:40 PM) tajmuhull: you're lucky
(6:10:46 PM) tajmuhull: what did you get to see
(6:13:15 PM) d throughghosts: i saw a lot of birds, like nice ones, really rare ones it was kinda sad
(6:18:18 PM) tajmuhull: how did you know they were rare? What's this guy Adrian do anyway? Is he the guy I keep seeing online? With the bird show? I did some research. He's kinda famous, I mean sort of. If you google him, there's lots of stuff on him being a magician, he's not American. He's from Italy. Let me see what else I can find... going into google mode for you, and maybe... more. heh heh heh. Google sucks
(6:25:50 PM) tajmuhull: He's got a squeaky clean record criminally. Credit out the fucking wazoo. The guy's never been late on a payment since his history begins. which is weird. I can't find anything about his junenvile life, not even parents.
(6:26:21 PM) tajmuhull: wait looking for birth records
(6:26:28 PM) d throughghosts: ok baby
(6:26:39 PM) tajmuhull: this one will take a minute for the computer to generate
(6:26:40 PM) tajmuhull: but
(6:27:05 PM) tajmuhull: looks like he's sorta known for caring for the endangered species. lots of volunteer work
(6:27:31 PM) d throughghosts: he has a pet tiger
(6:27:40 PM) tajmuhull: wow.
(6:28:00 PM) tajmuhull: http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0ov7
(6:28:04 PM) tajmuhull: you do that
(6:28:06 PM) tajmuhull: damn
(6:28:09 PM) tajmuhull: sorry
(6:28:11 PM) tajmuhull: heh
(6:28:28 PM) tajmuhull: http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0hts
(6:28:37 PM) tajmuhull: doesn't it bother you
(6:29:20 PM) d throughghosts: he takes off his gold or he doesnt wear it
(6:29:32 PM) tajmuhull: ah ok
(6:29:35 PM) tajmuhull: that's good
(6:30:31 PM) d throughghosts: and i do what baby?
(6:30:54 PM) tajmuhull: heh. sorry I meant fuck that. heh.
(6:31:09 PM) d throughghosts: ohhh
(6:31:12 PM) d throughghosts: well
(6:31:14 PM) tajmuhull: lol. sorry
(6:31:22 PM) tajmuhull: the pic had a lot of skin
(6:31:46 PM) d throughghosts: he has a lot of skin
(6:32:12 PM) tajmuhull: dude gets around. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl
(6:32:31 PM) tajmuhull: I'd be intimidated to be around someone like that
(6:32:41 PM) tajmuhull: but idk. I'm shy
(6:32:48 PM) tajmuhull: unless I'm on stage
(6:32:52 PM) tajmuhull: that's different
(6:34:38 PM) d throughghosts: im not shy
(6:34:46 PM) tajmuhull: yeah. I know
(6:35:40 PM) d throughghosts: we got photo'd
(6:35:50 PM) tajmuhull: you did?
(6:36:01 PM) tajmuhull: you dont usually like that
(6:36:05 PM) d throughghosts: i didnt
(6:36:51 PM) tajmuhull: how famous is this guy. can you guys walk down the street without being flogged or what.
(6:38:36 PM) d throughghosts: i dont know, i dont really do that much walking with him. we did in bora bora a little but he said hes not so known over there
(6:39:07 PM) d throughghosts: the times here have been a little crowded though
(6:39:26 PM) tajmuhull: You're just getting me sort of curious now. I mean, idk. gotta be careful with celebrity types
(6:40:33 PM) d throughghosts: careful?
(6:44:38 PM) tajmuhull: yeah careful. It looks like he makes his own music too. You didn't say he was a musician. that's cool I guess. do you guys jam? but, I mean, you know. Sometimes those people can have big heads, think they walk over whatever they want. Or keep secret little affairs going on cuz they know they can
(6:46:12 PM) d throughghosts: we haven't jammed i dont remember if he even knows i can play. but we wouldn't do that, that's not why he keeps me around babe
(6:47:01 PM) tajmuhull: idk. he took you to Bora Bora for like days. you guys couldn't have been fucking the entire time
(6:48:15 PM) d throughghosts: it was the reason i was there
(6:49:22 PM) tajmuhull: you say that kind of things sometimes and I wonder why you do it? sometimes you sound like you hate it
(6:49:54 PM) d throughghosts: its what im for its what im good at
(6:49:59 PM) d throughghosts: its what i do taj
(6:50:06 PM) d throughghosts: thats its just what i do
(6:50:14 PM) d throughghosts: thats what i do
(6:50:18 PM) tajmuhull: ok that's what you keep saying, but you never say if you like it
(6:50:23 PM) tajmuhull: you state it as fact
(6:50:33 PM) d throughghosts: it doesnt matter if i like it
(6:50:34 PM) tajmuhull: but with no opinion attached
(6:50:39 PM) tajmuhull: yeah it does
(6:50:45 PM) d throughghosts: no no
(6:50:57 PM) tajmuhull: because you can change your life anyway you want it to be
(6:51:45 PM) d throughghosts: things have a purpose and thats mine
(6:51:49 PM) d throughghosts: im supposed to
(6:51:51 PM) d throughghosts: you know
(6:52:12 PM) d throughghosts: its what thats why its thats
(6:52:45 PM) tajmuhull: you're not a thing
(6:52:49 PM) tajmuhull: you're a person
(6:52:53 PM) tajmuhull: you keep forgetting
(6:56:02 PM) tajmuhull: the things you can find online are funny
(6:56:07 PM) tajmuhull: adrian is not a smoker
(6:56:09 PM) tajmuhull: HAHAHA
(6:57:52 PM) d throughghosts: i love you taj
(6:58:34 PM) tajmuhull: I love you too Andy
(7:03:06 PM) d throughghosts: would you tell me more about the reunion?
(7:05:45 PM) tajmuhull: yeah ok. he's got birth parents on an Italian record btw. idk. looking up his parents. idk. I can't find his school records though. it's just like some of his history is missing. but yeah. I can tell ya
(7:06:24 PM) tajmuhull: I mean, hehe. I had a good time some of the time, most of the time, but other times were pretty crappy
(7:06:29 PM) tajmuhull: I mean
(7:07:04 PM) d throughghosts: ?
(7:09:53 PM) tajmuhull: like we went all stayed in the same hotel together, had rooms right next to each other. it was sort of weird seeing them again. they seemed like they knew each other more than I knew them. but the guy that invited me said, he never would have made it through his time there if it wasn't for me. idk. I used to try to help kids back then. I just didn't completely realize any of them would have remembered or cared
(7:10:06 PM) tajmuhull: it was a weird feeling
(7:10:45 PM) tajmuhull: whenever things felt awkward I just showed them pics of K stripping
(7:10:47 PM) d throughghosts: you're the reason i survived
(7:10:55 PM) tajmuhull: it made them all laugh
(7:11:03 PM) tajmuhull: but you're different
(7:11:06 PM) tajmuhull: you stayed
(7:11:14 PM) d throughghosts: they laughed? those bastards
(7:12:00 PM) tajmuhull: I think it was all in good fun. idk... I didn't know people that didn't stick around would have a reason to remember
(7:12:02 PM) tajmuhull: Idk
(7:12:09 PM) tajmuhull: I don't get it
(7:12:49 PM) tajmuhull: and now just because of this reunion
(7:12:53 PM) d throughghosts: maybe you gave them the strength to be able to go out and stand on their own
(7:13:03 PM) tajmuhull: they act like they want to keep in touch again
(7:13:13 PM) tajmuhull: why didn't they keep in touch the whole time?
(7:13:16 PM) tajmuhull: idk
(7:13:18 PM) tajmuhull: maybe
(7:13:59 PM) d throughghosts: be careful baby, they might be trying to use you
(7:14:34 PM) tajmuhull: yeah. I mean we had fun though. wanna see something funny?
(7:14:43 PM) d throughghosts: ok
(7:14:48 PM) tajmuhull: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1
(7:14:55 PM) tajmuhull: we had to relive it
(7:14:56 PM) tajmuhull: haha
(7:15:40 PM) tajmuhull: one kid had this pic of me. I dont even have this pic of me. well I do now http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1
(7:15:43 PM) d throughghosts: wow, flashback
(7:15:51 PM) tajmuhull: yeah
(7:15:57 PM) tajmuhull: but I mean. he kept my picture
(7:16:30 PM) d throughghosts: that brings back memories
(7:16:42 PM) tajmuhull: I went back to our old room
(7:16:42 PM) d throughghosts: how old are you there?
(7:16:46 PM) d throughghosts: you did?
(7:17:37 PM) tajmuhull: I think I'm about 9, I'm not entirely certain tbh. I was so scrawny. no wonder everyone picked on me
(7:18:12 PM) d throughghosts: wish i'd known you then
(7:18:26 PM) d throughghosts: or maybe not
(7:18:30 PM) tajmuhull: :)
(7:18:32 PM) tajmuhull: aw why not
(7:20:34 PM) d throughghosts: what i tried to do to you when we first met was bad enough, it could have been worse
(7:20:38 PM) d throughghosts: back then
(7:20:57 PM) tajmuhull: hey dont say that
(7:20:59 PM) d throughghosts: i was still at hhome then
(7:21:09 PM) tajmuhull: we were kids
(7:21:15 PM) tajmuhull: you didn't know better
(7:21:22 PM) tajmuhull: you couldn't help it
(7:21:57 PM) d throughghosts: they should have done more to protect you
(7:22:48 PM) tajmuhull: that place wasn't so great with that stuff, they have no clue how to screen foster parents.but and fuck that. I wouldn't change anything. nothing.
(7:23:12 PM) tajmuhull: you becoming my roomie was the best thing that ever happened
(7:23:28 PM) d throughghosts: you shouldn't have been left alone with me
(7:23:39 PM) d throughghosts: anything could have happened
(7:24:35 PM) tajmuhull: yeah well, tell that to the guy who had a chunk taken out of his leg being left alone with me
(7:24:48 PM) tajmuhull: it could have been worse
(7:25:06 PM) d throughghosts: he probably deserved it
(7:25:21 PM) d throughghosts: you never hurt me
(7:25:48 PM) tajmuhull: I couldn't do that
(7:25:55 PM) tajmuhull: you weren' t human either
(7:26:17 PM) tajmuhull: but, I love you. I refuse to regret anything
(7:26:56 PM) tajmuhull: but going back to our room was weird
(7:27:01 PM) d throughghosts: i love you too. you have nothing to regret about me, you were nothing but amazing
(7:27:05 PM) d throughghosts: how come?
(7:27:21 PM) tajmuhull: it had new boys in it. everything still looked pretty much the same
(7:27:26 PM) tajmuhull: minus us
(7:27:29 PM) tajmuhull: but
(7:27:38 PM) tajmuhull: I got this weird feeling in my chest
(7:27:45 PM) d throughghosts: baby?
(7:27:51 PM) tajmuhull: I sat on the beds
(7:27:58 PM) tajmuhull: for a long time
(7:28:18 PM) tajmuhull: I felt stupid when I got walked in on
(7:28:24 PM) tajmuhull: I was crying and shit
(7:28:39 PM) d throughghosts: why what
(7:28:43 PM) d throughghosts: why
(7:29:11 PM) tajmuhull: idk. just all these crazy feelings came back, all the memories. It's like it was still back then ya know
(7:29:13 PM) tajmuhull: idk
(7:29:54 PM) tajmuhull: I walked out back too. where we buried the can
(7:30:30 PM) tajmuhull: the ground look undisturbed
(7:30:31 PM) d throughghosts: you're out of there baby, you have your own life and you're a beautiful, clever, kind, self made man and i love you and the guys love you and we all want you
(7:30:42 PM) tajmuhull: I bet it's still there
(7:30:59 PM) tajmuhull: yeah. I love you for that
(7:31:09 PM) tajmuhull: they had a nursey wing though
(7:31:16 PM) d throughghosts: probably, i dont know why anyone would go out there. i love you too
(7:31:22 PM) tajmuhull: I sat in there awhile
(7:31:30 PM) d throughghosts: what's it like?
(7:31:41 PM) tajmuhull: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1
(7:31:45 PM) tajmuhull: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1
(7:32:22 PM) tajmuhull: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1
(7:32:28 PM) tajmuhull: I played around with the kids there
(7:32:43 PM) tajmuhull: I just thought damn. everything we all went through
(7:32:48 PM) tajmuhull: it's just still going on
(7:32:53 PM) tajmuhull: just the same
(7:32:57 PM) tajmuhull: for someone else
(7:33:11 PM) tajmuhull: it never ends
(7:33:19 PM) d throughghosts: thats the world though babe
(7:33:30 PM) tajmuhull: yeah I know
(7:33:42 PM) d throughghosts: pain and struggle and people being fucked over
(7:33:53 PM) d throughghosts: you look sweet with them thoug
(7:34:39 PM) tajmuhull: thought I'd give them a day of good. Who knows if they ever get it. I mean older kids too. On the playground.
(7:35:28 PM) tajmuhull: but thanks I think
(7:35:37 PM) d throughghosts: you have a heart of gold
(7:35:46 PM) d throughghosts: you do
(7:35:52 PM) d throughghosts: natural like
(7:36:36 PM) tajmuhull: I wouldn't go that far. or maybe I would. gold's heavy
(7:36:41 PM) tajmuhull: it weighs you down
(7:37:17 PM) d throughghosts: are you okay?
(7:37:46 PM) tajmuhull: yeah I'm okay.
(7:38:07 PM) tajmuhull: I went to library we gambled in
(7:38:09 PM) tajmuhull: hahaha
(7:38:22 PM) tajmuhull: And that old motel was condemned
(7:38:37 PM) d throughghosts: wow
(7:39:20 PM) tajmuhull: I just stood outside out of it. for a really long time.
(7:39:39 PM) tajmuhull: till I picked up a garbage can and threw it through the window
(7:39:54 PM) d throughghosts: why? did you get caught?
(7:40:43 PM) tajmuhull: no. nothing happened. some guy just came by asking if I wanted crack - he'd make me a good deal. heh
(7:40:50 PM) tajmuhull: I left after that
(7:41:23 PM) d throughghosts: why did you do it?
(7:43:13 PM) tajmuhull: I just needed to. this was right after our innocent upstairs when you walked in on me. Im sorry baby. I just... I really thought you ... well... idk... then... seeing that building where everything felt like we'd be together forever back then.
(7:44:43 PM) d throughghosts: fuck, fuck, i'm sorry taj, im so sorry, im sorry
(7:45:08 PM) d throughghosts: ive hurt you so much
(7:45:40 PM) tajmuhull: no. you're the best thing that's ever happened to me
(7:45:45 PM) d throughghosts: no im not
(7:45:51 PM) tajmuhull: yeah you actually are
(7:45:52 PM) d throughghosts: ive wounded you
(7:46:19 PM) d throughghosts: im like a fucking disease. if i am then that's terrible
(7:47:03 PM) d throughghosts: you deserve better than some selfish used up fuck toy that can't even...
(7:47:14 PM) d throughghosts: fuck. im so sorry
(7:47:28 PM) d throughghosts: ill talk to you later
(7:47:35 PM) d throughghosts: i have to go out
(7:47:36 PM) tajmuhull: heyhey
(7:47:41 PM) tajmuhull: dont be like that