"You're asking all the same questions I'm asking myself." Adrian answered without much hesitation and took a big breath. "Sure I do." He said about loving Abel. "I don't really doubt that in myself. I just... it doesn't mean I'm not capable of doing it right." Sighs yet again. "Do you know how easy it would be right now to just be with you and not feel this same pressure? Or even just reach over right now and have the same kind of night we usually do and in my mind I could separate it from the rest of that existence with him-" He quickly waves his hands to show he doesn't mean he wants that "-I mean not that I would do that or put you in that position either, that's not what I mean... I just mean, with you, that pressure isn't there because you don't expect me to be more than I am. And frankly I'm nothing. I can be that. I can exist inside that old space we had, not because it was easy, but because it was honest, real. Damn..." He shakes his head, "... I can't find the right words because I am real and honest with Abel, but when he looks at me with those eyes that think I am worth the Sun and the mother fucking moon when I know what I am is nothing even close to what he should be touching... it makes me cringe inside to think of him touching it. Touching me. But, when I'm with him it's so damn good, How can I not? I'm a selfish bastard Andy. I'm a selfish bastard that can't say no to him and I suppose I never will, I'll just keep doing whatever makes him smile because damn do I love to see that smile. But, fuck... it shouldn't belong to me. It just shouldn't. Ehhh, I'm sorry for laying all this on you. I think I just needed to get it out somewhere. No one else would get it. And no, I haven't hurt you. I wouldn't. But you don't expect me to be perfect either. I'm never going to be perfect Andy. Not even remotely close and he looks at me like I'm the picture of it. I miss you being around. I miss that understanding."