Atlas Acron (mothridden) wrote in thegrand_ic, @ 2012-08-16 18:34:00 |
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Entry tags: | atlas acron, jacques charbonneau |
Who Atlas and Jax
Where AIM
When backdated several days
What Long AIM chat
Warnings Lotsa language
Status Complete
(8:17:47 PM) Atlas: Hey Jax
(8:18:00 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Oh, hey Atlas.
(8:18:08 PM) Atlas: How ya doing?
(8:18:14 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I'm okay.
(8:18:37 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Why, what are you doing?
(8:19:00 PM) Atlas: I've been trying to do what Nathan said and research Amon
(8:19:29 PM) Atlas: but it's hard. cuz it I think it keeps making me upset and the laptop flickers and has to reboot
(8:19:38 PM) Atlas: so I ended up in the library
(8:19:42 PM) Atlas: looking at books
(8:20:06 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: What did you find?
(8:22:04 PM) Atlas: not a lot so far. I just sat down with books.
(8:22:07 PM) Atlas: governs forty infernal legions.He appears as a wolf with a serpent's tail who can breathe fire, or as a man with dog's teeth in a head like a raven, or as a raven-headed man. He tells of all things past and future.
(8:22:10 PM) Atlas: that tho
(8:22:26 PM) Atlas: but I keep feeling distracted and can't concentrate
(8:22:35 PM) Atlas: I keep wondering something
(8:22:42 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: What are you wondering?
(8:22:56 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: And I worry that that future-telling will be a problem for you.
(8:23:02 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: He'll know you're coming.
(8:24:20 PM) Atlas: that's what Nathan said. But, that has me a little confused too. Why is Nathan risking his neck for me to do this? He seemed really worried he'll suffer over this, like Amon already knows he's narking him out
(8:24:34 PM) Atlas: I don't get it
(8:24:43 PM) Atlas: but I was wondering about you
(8:25:16 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I don't know why Evron is doing this. I guess we'll find out soon enough.
(8:26:06 PM) Atlas: I'm just curious. If you die. will you come back like baby? or baby skin? like new skin?
(8:26:38 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: You're wondering about my skin??
(8:26:42 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: No, silly, I won't be a baby.
(8:26:56 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I guess I'd just be like I was before I got hurt.
(8:28:24 PM) Atlas: well I didn't know. and um... you first said your family could get you out and it wouldn't be long. but then the more heated things got you said, It doesn't matter how long they hold you, which made it sound like it could be long time
(8:29:05 PM) Atlas: I'm just, wondering if you got burned alive or something if you'd come back with everything the same. like your piercings and all?
(8:29:23 PM) Atlas: or say, if you had a tattoo
(8:30:51 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Atlas... don't worry about me. It's not important. This is your moment, and you're going to make it.
(8:31:05 PM) Atlas: NO. it matters to me
(8:31:53 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: But well, if I had to guess... I'd say that when I'm being brought back it's because of God and God remembers me exactly as I was at that moment, so I guess so? I'm not sure why he'd mess up. the first time when i was actually made a saint it wasn't like I popped up naked or anything.
(8:32:46 PM) Atlas: hmmm. ok. when your confidence changed it got me worried
(8:32:54 PM) Atlas: about how long you'd really be gone
(8:33:20 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I'm sorry if I weirded out on you. I was fighting with my dad a bit...
(8:33:55 PM) Atlas: well, I just want to make sure if you're gone a long time you don't forget me.
(8:34:27 PM) Atlas: I did something
(8:35:23 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I won't forget you. I'll think about you the whole time.
(8:35:29 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: What did you do?
(8:41:00 PM) Atlas: oh. I got a little tattoo added on my sleeve. it's two jacks and a ball. it's kinda small. I didn't have a lot of money today. I just thought. idk, if you had one... you wouldn't forget. I just started to picture really bad things happening to you and as my imagination got crazier and crazier I thought about you getting so tortured you couldn't think anymore. and thought it was something they couldn't take away from you, like clothes. or things you carry. and you could look down and remember. maybe it's stupid.
(8:41:34 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Awwwwwww!!! No, that's not stupid at all.
(8:41:43 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: You should come here, I want to see it and hug the stuffing out of you
(8:42:20 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: But I mean it. Nothing is going to make me forget. I don't care what they think they want to do.
(8:42:26 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Nobody said I would just let them do it either.
(8:45:08 PM) Atlas: does that mean you're not mad at me any more?
(8:45:38 PM) Atlas: it's been making my stomach hurt
(8:46:07 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: You're cute when you feel bad. You can never say you feel bad. It's always that your stomach hurts or something.
(8:46:16 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: But I'm not mad. I told you before, I don't stay mad much.
(8:46:44 PM) Atlas: well it does.
(8:46:55 PM) Atlas: and good. good good good
(8:47:23 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I wish you wouldn't worry, cause then you make me feel bad too. But thank you.
(8:47:44 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I want you to have your chance. I do. And... yeah, it might be true that a chance like this might not happen again for a long time. If ever.
(8:47:52 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: You can't wait forever like some of us. :/
(8:48:25 PM) Atlas: Yeah I'll kick the bucket someday
(8:48:44 PM) Atlas: I just know when it happens I want to go out in style
(8:49:00 PM) Atlas: like cliff jumping or a parachute not opening
(8:49:07 PM) Atlas: that way no matter what
(8:49:22 PM) Atlas: those last moments are just free
(8:51:28 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I hope you feel that way long before you have to jump out of a plane.
(8:53:15 PM) Atlas: naw. that's the point of. that's when everything is fast and wild and everything is just let loose in me and the adrenaline just releases me.
(8:53:27 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Here we go. How about this? http://image.shutterstock.com/display_p
(8:54:11 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I understand.
(8:54:17 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: It makes my stomach hurt a bit too, but I understand.
(8:54:47 PM) Atlas: hey that's pretty cool
(8:55:01 PM) Atlas: and you really want it red?
(8:55:14 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Yeah. It's you.
(8:55:54 PM) Atlas: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8dd2
(8:57:01 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Yes. You need to go with me because I want the artist to look at your eyes and make them just as they are. Like when you look like that. That happy and sad/heavy and light/soft and hard.
(8:58:12 PM) Atlas: ok. I can go. I wanted to go.
(8:58:25 PM) Atlas: you describe my eyes funny
(8:58:49 PM) Atlas: most people just say those scary fiendish eyes in the dark just staring at me
(8:58:51 PM) Atlas: yeah
(8:58:59 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I wish I could show the artist your real eyes. I hope he doesn't try to argue with me when I say I want them red.
(8:59:27 PM) Atlas: haha. I have red contacts. not like they shine like mine. but it might help
(8:59:40 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Ok. If it's only covering the shine.
(9:00:15 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: And I think the people who've said that haven't known the person the eyes belong to. they only see one thing.
(9:00:56 PM) Atlas: yeah, maybe so, but it's still what everyone in the papers always said. every time I read about eye witnesses
(9:01:11 PM) Atlas: fuck 'em
(9:01:20 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Well, they were scared and dumb and wrong.
(9:01:37 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: You should believe the person who's seen you more than once and doesn't tell you to look away.
(9:02:25 PM) Atlas: that's you haha. nice one. you could have just gone with ... Just fucking believe me already.
(9:03:03 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: But then you make the grouchy face and tell me not to tell you what to do.
(9:03:44 PM) Atlas: pffffffffffffffffffft. There's being hot and assertive and being a control freak. there's a different
(9:03:48 PM) Atlas: difference
(9:03:59 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Oh. so what's a hot and assertive person like?
(9:04:01 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Hehehee.
(9:04:17 PM) Atlas: *blows on nails*
(9:04:25 PM) Atlas: take a good look at me
(9:04:52 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: *giggle*
(9:05:01 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: So where should I put this really impressive tattoo?
(9:09:35 PM) Atlas: how about on a piece of you that can't be chopped off
(9:09:51 PM) Atlas: yes I'm imagining the worst
(9:10:08 PM) Atlas: that way you have it up to the last minute
(9:10:22 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Well... most of me, if they really want it off they can probably get it off. but the closer it is to something vital the stronger odds are that doing it will kill me.
(9:11:00 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: It could go on my chest. Or on my neck.
(9:11:13 PM) Atlas: not your neck you can't see it there
(9:11:29 PM) Atlas: that's the whole point
(9:11:33 PM) Atlas: you have to see it
(9:11:37 PM) Atlas: when it matters
(9:12:13 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Then I'll put it on my chest. they'll see it... and he'll know it's there. but at least if he goes for it, it'll make my time with him that much shorter.
(9:12:25 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: You know, he says you're his. You belong to him. It might make him jealous.
(9:12:58 PM) Atlas: Yeah he was starting to say some weird stuff like that. It confused me
(9:13:05 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: What did he say?
(9:13:07 PM) Atlas: he never said stuff like that before
(9:13:23 PM) Atlas: he kept using the words "be mine"
(9:13:40 PM) Atlas: and when I said I didn't understand what the hell he meant by that
(9:13:53 PM) Atlas: he went into some shit about being able to love more than one person
(9:13:58 PM) Atlas: and I was like huh
(9:14:01 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: oh...
(9:14:03 PM) Atlas: and he was like nevermind
(9:14:06 PM) Atlas: you'll see
(9:14:10 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: How close are you to him, exactly...?
(9:14:11 PM) Atlas: I'll help you understand
(9:14:13 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Do you...?
(9:15:17 PM) Atlas: Yeah, dude. How else are we both the possible father's of this kid? ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, wait. you thought we had sex with chick at different times. I get it
(9:15:30 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: You never said you had sex with -him-.
(9:15:43 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I guess I didn't want to think about that.
(9:16:24 PM) Atlas: it's not a big deal.
(9:17:13 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Is it? I have a hard time believing that demons can love anything or anyone, but what if he's trying to say that he does?
(9:18:47 PM) Atlas: we're just friends. it's just what we do. go out and find people and do stuff together. idk. he likes me cuz we're friends like that. that's all
(9:19:21 PM) Atlas: I do that with other people too. not just him. it's not like it matters
(9:19:36 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: You sound like you're trying to explain it away.
(9:19:42 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: What about you? What do you think of him?
(9:20:13 PM) Atlas: explain what away? I'm not ashamed of myself
(9:20:26 PM) Atlas: It's just not something that's important
(9:20:43 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: So you don't like him more than friends?
(9:22:51 PM) Atlas: right. he's just been a friend. I barely have friends anyway. I don't call people that. you and he are the only people who know what I am in the whole world though. well your family does now
(9:23:01 PM) Atlas: and that felt weird but whatever
(9:23:21 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Okay.
(9:23:51 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I'm going to be really honest. If this goes really bad, if he does anything bad to me, I don't think I can deal with you being involved with him.
(9:24:02 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Any further than this transaction.
(9:24:53 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: It's already hard enough as it is. I know who he is and I know what he does, and you just...
(9:27:09 PM) Atlas: so you're saying no more being together for us if I'm fucking him or talking to him? what do you mean by involved
(9:32:34 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I just don't know why you'd want to fuck or talk to someone who we're worried might kill me.
(9:34:02 PM) Atlas: didn't you guys try to kill them?
(9:34:10 PM) Atlas: or did? or something
(9:34:22 PM) Atlas: isn't that the same thing
(9:34:40 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: No! We didn't try to kill them at all. they attacked us and we fought back. the first time, his mom attacked my parents. The second time, he abducted and tried to kill my dad!
(9:34:49 PM) Atlas: oh
(9:35:03 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Yeah. He did it. Not us.
(9:35:26 PM) Atlas: ok
(9:35:48 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I'm sorry. I shouldn't be putting this on you right now. Just do what you have to do.
(9:36:32 PM) Atlas: you're just saying the truth. I dont want to be protected
(9:37:06 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Fine. Then that's the truth. He's done nothing but try to hurt my family and it kills me that you like him and want to sleep with him, especially at the same time that you're sleeping with me. It makes me want to curl up and throw up. There.
(9:44:05 PM) Atlas: ok. I should go now
(9:44:19 PM) Atlas: I gotta read these books
(9:45:36 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Fine. See you later.
(10:03:12 PM) Atlas: Jax
(10:05:29 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Yeah?
(10:06:05 PM) Atlas: why are you around me if I make you want to throw up?
(10:06:48 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: It's not you, it's him. He makes me want to throw up a lot.
(10:06:56 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: And I don't understand why you need him other than for this.
(10:09:17 PM) Atlas: I never said I needed him
(10:09:34 PM) Atlas: the only thing I "need" him for is this.
(10:10:01 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Need... want... whatever.
(10:12:29 PM) Atlas: is there some reason you think you know what I'm going to do with him after this
(10:12:41 PM) Atlas: you're awfully assuming
(10:13:21 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: You haven't told me what you're going to do. And anyway it's not about that, it's about me asking you if you could do this for me.
(10:44:58 PM) Atlas: wait. sorry. say that again ok. I had one of crazy computer moments
(10:45:14 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Jacques Charbonneau 10:13 pm
You haven't told me what you're going to do. And anyway it's not about that, it's about me asking you if you could do this for me.
(10:59:06 PM) Atlas: wait. now I just got confused. what's the do this part? are we still talking about the deal ?
(11:00:40 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: no. You're saying I assume what you're going to do about Evron once this is over. I said, I am asking you if you can do what I asked you.
(11:03:42 PM) Atlas: Jax. I'm a little disappointed.
(11:04:00 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Why?
(11:07:12 PM) Atlas: I told you me and him did it. ok. so what. Ive been with a lot of people. who cares. but idk. something about coming to you with this tattoo idea and being all worried. and then being told I make you wanna barf. and... idk... this question. it just. sucks fucking ass that's what. you don't see me getting one to remind me of him. you suck Jax. that's what. You just suck
(11:08:02 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Don't get me wrong, I love all of those things. I'm really happy. I want to do it. I adore you like crazy.
(11:08:30 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: but I don't understand why you can't tell me that you understand what I've been telling you about Evron and you wouldn't have someone around that would hurt me - and you, really, if it got bad enough
(11:08:57 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: And I said YOU don't make me want to barf.
(11:08:58 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: He does.
(11:12:11 PM) Atlas: you said something I was doing made you wanna barf. idk. it's still part of me. even if I never did it again. I was friends with him. he never hurt me. even if he's doing something really stupid right now and making me sick to my own stomach worrying about you. I can't look back at those good times and hate them. it would take too much of my life away and make it bad
(11:12:49 PM) Atlas: even if I hate him from this moment on
(11:12:56 PM) Atlas: I just don't think like you
(11:13:00 PM) Atlas: and it sucks
(11:13:06 PM) Atlas: everything sucks
(11:14:41 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: that's not what I said. I didn't ask you to do that. I didn't even say it's totally impossible that he actually likes you. But I want you to think about who this is and... well honestly, what's really good for you. If you love me enough to tattoo me on your body so that you remember me, then what's good for me too.
(11:15:21 PM) Atlas: yeah but I never even said i was still gonna
(11:15:39 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: can I hear you say it?
(11:16:18 PM) Atlas: no. you can't. You should trust me.
(11:16:51 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: No offense, but I've told you this before many times, and what you wanted from him was always more important than how I felt about it.
(11:17:12 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: The only thing that's different about now is that he says he's going to give you what you want, and there's proof of what he's going to do to me later.
(11:18:02 PM) Atlas: I know that. which is why I said I was so disappointed you even have to ask this
(11:18:11 PM) Atlas: that's what's pissing off
(11:18:52 PM) Atlas: do you think I put this thing on my arm for shits and giggles Jax?
(11:19:00 PM) Atlas: did you think
(11:19:02 PM) Atlas: that'
(11:19:08 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I don't doubt that. Not for a second.
(11:19:29 PM) Atlas: I was talking about all that as just some random thing to do I'd do for anyone?
(11:19:36 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I didn't say that.
(11:20:13 PM) Atlas: I gotta go read books again or something. the lights fuck. they're flickering.
(11:20:18 PM) Atlas: and there they go
(11:20:19 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I've never asked you to choose before. I've never pressured you. If you'd assumed I was fine with you being with both I wouldn't have been upset, because I didn't press you on it.
(11:29:47 PM) Atlas: well idk what to tell you. I don't feel like I should have to defend my reasonings.
(11:29:58 PM) Atlas: for what happened with him and me before
(11:30:09 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I don't care what happened before. I told you.
(11:30:27 PM) Atlas: good then
(11:32:52 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I don't know what to say anymore.
(11:33:52 PM) Atlas: I just don't know either. You're wanting me to say something that pisses me off that you think I need to say it prove something. this is so sucky you think that
(11:36:35 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I just... wanted to hear it. I thought it would be comforting. It's not that easy for me to deal with things on the fly all the time. Not when it comes to something I care about this much.
(11:38:33 PM) Atlas: Well I'm not used to talking like this. Maybe you don't get that was actually hard for me to talk to you about earlier.
(11:38:43 PM) Atlas: I thought it would have meant more
(11:38:48 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: It does. It means a lot.
(11:38:49 PM) Atlas: fuck I suck
(11:38:52 PM) Atlas: I gotta go
(11:38:55 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: no! Don't say that.
(11:39:12 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Atlas, please?
(11:45:58 PM) Atlas: look. idk. I don't like... LIKE people Jax. I just don't like people at all. I hate fucking everybody. Can't you see that? I don't care. And then the first time I try ... THAT was the question asked of me right after. This is why I hate people I fucking swear. It's just like back in Point Pleasant. I try to warn people. I tried to help. I tried to show them I cared and wasn't going to hurt them. Just like I just did with you. And no one has ever believed me. no even you. not really
(11:46:02 PM) Atlas: or you wouldn't have asked
(11:46:20 PM) Atlas: I seriously gotta go
(11:46:42 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I don't want you to go. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I made you feel that way.
(11:47:20 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: You did such a wonderful thing. No one has ever done anything so sweet for me or made me feel that way, really. I do trust what you do for me because I know you don't just do these things.
(11:47:43 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: And that you did it for me, of anyone you could choose.. yes, that matters. That matters a lot.
(11:48:12 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I'm so afraid to smother you, because I know how nervous this stuff makes you. I'm not sure how to react sometimes. But it affects me a lot.
(11:49:19 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: If I could have anything, I would absolutely want to keep you and remember you and just wrap myself all of these things for as long as you'll give it to me. I hate that there is still so much to be afraid of.
(11:49:23 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: Please tell me you're listening.
(11:51:02 PM) Atlas: Im listening
(11:51:37 PM) Atlas: Im tired of trying and nothing I do ever works
(11:51:54 PM) Atlas: I hate everything
(11:51:58 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: that's not true. I love what you've done here.
(11:52:31 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I'm going to give it back to you, too, without hesitation.
(11:52:50 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: the truth is, I would have thought of you anyway, even without a tattoo.
(11:53:00 PM) Jacques Charbonneau: I could never forget you.
(12:08:55 AM) Atlas: yeah ok
(12:11:23 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I want for you to feel nothing but super happy about what you did. It was a beautiful, thoughtful thing to do and I can't wait to see it.
(12:20:25 AM) Atlas: yeah ok. I get it. It's just too late now. It already happened. but ok.
(12:20:47 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: What do you want me to do now?
(12:25:02 AM) Atlas: nothing. everything's fine.
(12:25:39 AM) Atlas: I'll get over it. It's just one more thing. No biggie. Fuck it all.
(12:26:34 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: But it's not. It's really not.
(12:29:07 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I don't want it to be one more thing.
(12:31:07 AM) Atlas: It's ok. Jax. I'm used to this. Really. It's just how it is. Im just better off not trying. Everytime I do someone jumps out a window and dies or calls the cops or runs away or doesn't believe me or doesn't understand me. It's fine.
(12:32:15 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: It's not fine! I believe you and I want to understand.
(12:32:30 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I'm not going to run from you. If I'm pressuring you now, I don't care. I can't lie to you.
(12:33:29 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I would do anything to take that from your mind.
(12:47:42 AM) Atlas: I don't know how
(12:47:58 AM) Atlas: it's just a dumb memory now. I'm now
(12:48:08 AM) Atlas: fine
(12:48:13 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: It's just... time, I guess.
(12:48:17 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: But you know what?
(12:48:19 AM) Atlas: time what?
(12:48:24 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I want the time with you to do.
(12:48:34 AM) Atlas: to do?
(12:52:14 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: To see that you can be loved. You may not know how to do this now, and maybe I don't either. I've never done this before. But I want to learn with you. I just know that you're not like anyone else, that I feel like I see something new and special with you, and I'm going to hang on to that no matter what happens next.
(12:58:32 AM) Atlas: I always get stuck when you say that shit Jax
(12:58:41 AM) Atlas: I don't know what to say
(12:59:05 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: Just say what you feel. knee-jerk. that's all.
(1:20:40 AM) Atlas: what if i don't know what I feel
(1:20:57 AM) Atlas: it just hurt. that's all. but it doesn't matter
(1:21:03 AM) Atlas: it shouldn't have surprised me
(1:21:08 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: What hurt?
(1:21:18 AM) Atlas: I just feel stupid for being surprised
(1:21:37 AM) Atlas: when you had to ask what you did
(1:21:47 AM) Atlas: after what I said
(1:22:20 AM) Atlas: is that all you want to hear?
(1:23:22 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I don't have anything in mind that I want to hear. I just want you to be real with me too.
(1:24:39 AM) Atlas: well that's what's real. I feel like I did something that I should have known better than to try and it blew up in my face and I got hurt and I'm mad I let myself get to a point I could feel that
(1:24:47 AM) Atlas: there. I should just so know by now
(1:25:32 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: So you think that because I asked you that, it... I don't know, it makes it unreal what you did? Like it didn't count? Or like I didn't care?
(1:25:45 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I'm telling you it did, though.
(1:25:58 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: And what I asked you had nothing to do with that.
(1:26:38 AM) Atlas: not unreal Jax. Just disappointed it keeps happening to me.
(1:26:47 AM) Atlas: like ya know, everytime
(1:26:49 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: But nothing happened, Atlas.
(1:26:53 AM) Atlas: yeah it did.
(1:28:24 AM) Atlas: I tried to care about something, you. just like I tried to care for those people. And no one trusted me. and even though you know how I am with this stuff, putting that much out there, well it wasn't enough... it didn't make you trust me enough
(1:28:30 AM) Atlas: and
(1:28:41 AM) Atlas: it should have
(1:28:48 AM) Atlas: you said it had nothing to do with it
(1:28:53 AM) Atlas: but it just
(1:28:55 AM) Atlas: should have
(1:36:26 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I just... I don't know. I do put so much faith in you, and it sucks that you don't see it. I've begged so many times, please don't go this route with getting this from Evron, and you do it anyway, and still I stick by you. I'm terrified for you and what could happen to you, and I just don't understand why you still do it when I said I would scour the entire damned earth to find another way. It wasn't going to take me two minutes but I would have done it anyway. What I really worry about, as I've said before, is not whether or not I should trust you, but why oh why you don't trust me.
(1:39:04 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I want to believe that what you did today was a show of your trust in me. That I have really affected you. that you let me in. And believe me, I cherish every bit I get.
(1:40:55 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: So I hope that at some point you will believe me, because there is nothing I want more than for everything to work out for you and for you to have a happy life. I know that won't come from him.
(1:51:55 AM) Atlas: I'm glad you want to believe me.
(1:52:14 AM) Atlas: and I'll be dead before you get done scouring the earth.
(1:55:58 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I don't think you would be. Because I trust I can do this. I'm sorry you don't, and that's why I worry what will happen after this. I just don't understand. You know what demons can do, maybe even better than me, so why you trust Evron to even do this for you is beyond me. All I know is that I don't want him to have both of you. Every day you're alive is another day she has a chance, you know. But if you get caught, or killed, or contracted, all her chances are gone.
(1:57:39 AM) Atlas: I don't know anything anymore, Jax. I'm not sure where this convo can go right now. You're talking about trust where it's not about trust. It's about results. And at least when it comes to Mora, you gave me little.
(1:58:04 AM) Atlas: what chance does she have?
(1:58:08 AM) Atlas: tell me
(1:58:13 AM) Atlas: what do you mean?
(1:59:35 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: Do you think Evron has ever broken a demonic contract? You think he'd want to? I have.
(1:59:48 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: and the question I have been asking you from the beginning is this: at what cost?
(2:00:48 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: If I don't have results for you, it's because I value you a lot more than to suggest you dash right into hell, kick down Amon's door, and throw yourself into his face.
(2:01:06 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: You say YOU YOU YOU
(2:01:52 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: But I'm back here living with you being gone. I would be back here missing you every day and wondering if there was more I could have done to make sure you came back alive. Not always something that can be done on brute strength.
(2:02:13 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: Get it into your head that you're not alone anymore.
(2:03:13 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: You know that? My biggest fear in this isn't what they're going to do to me. I don't give a shit. My biggest fear is that he'll get you down there, yell SURPRISE, and turn you over to Amon for brownie points.
(2:03:23 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: Or that he'll take you there and ditch you to fend for yourself and you'll be torn apart.
(2:03:34 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: Or any number of things I can't stand to think about.
(2:09:06 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: So. Honestly? I don't care what you think of him from here out. If he even sort of looks like he's going to back out on you or betray you, he better watch out. He better look after you like you're made of glass.
(2:15:55 AM) Atlas: ok you want some damn truth jax
(2:16:01 AM) Atlas: Im going to tell you
(2:22:51 AM) Atlas: I may bitch about life about being alone, but since the world aint changing that's how it's gotta be. I want to be alone. I don't want any more responsibility for anyone else again. I'll just fuck it up. seriously. I will. I've proved it time and time again. people that get close to me get hurt. so everyone should stay the fuck away. and I don't want anyone protecting me either. because I'm bad luck Jax. really. I am. I make choices no one likes and I dont care and I do what I want and that's how it's always gonna be. If someone protects me they'll just get fucked over or killed. Both things have been proven. I am destined to be alone. forever fucking alone for everyone's fucking sake. Yours included
(2:30:58 AM) Jacques Charbonneau: I don't care. Maybe you'll think that's mean but I don't. I think you can have better and you deserve better. You're not your past and I'm not a scared human who can't handle you. Part of it is that the people around you aren't really equipped to deal with your choices. I am, even if I don't like them, or else I'd back out now. But you can control that too, by letting in people who are worthwhile and actually care about your best interests. If you would accept help you'd find your choices get better. I feel like you're doing a lot of this because part of you is too scared to rely on someone else for anything. You think the only way you can really do this is by storming in there by yourself. Considering you haven't known me for a super long time I'm not that surprised, but this is kind of an important moment and there isn't really time to let you settle in by the little toes.
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