Qui-Gon Jinn (greycounsel) wrote in thegalaxy, @ 2016-06-26 14:57:00 |
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After Leia left to return to D’Qar, Luke attempted to return to his mediation, without success. It was highly unusual these days that he would fail to find his center and achieve even a modicum of peace, but then, everything surrounding him was unusual. Overestimated himself, as Yoda would have cautioned. Fifteen years alone had ill-prepared him to address a sudden influx of not just Jedi, but friends. Family. His hard-won patience and wisdom felt as if it was slipping away, sand pulled inexorably by a new tide. He did not regret accepting Leia’s request to return, to again join with a new army, to recreate what had been lost. Regret, no….but apprehension, that lingered. Questions. Unexplored feelings. Grief, even. Choosing not to pursue the fruitless exercise of clearing his mind, he instead left his room, half an ear to the sounds of others settling down for the night, the quiet, sleepy murmurs just touching on him as he passed by. Down the steps, across the open areas, until he was at the edge of the forest. Tall, dark shapes loomed over him, pointing towards the sky. The moon was nearly full, and he looked up at it a while, his thoughts remembering a different moon, a different sky, back when the future looked clear as crystal. The Force felt stronger out here, with his feet on the grass, and the trees breathing around him, but it did not soothe the worn twists and turns of his thoughts. He slid his hands into the sleeves of his robe, letting them rest there at his waist, as he let it flow through him all the same. Even a little helped, he supposed. A soft, single-beat tap against the flagstones announced the presence of another. Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn rarely had an uninterrupted night’s sleep these days. He compensated with meditation, rest in the afternoon when time allowed, and the rejuvenating flow of the Living Force. As a child, Qui-Gon had loved the gardens of the Temple. His first journey off planet, to a world with a natural biosphere, had been like seeing the sun for the first time. Qui-Gon had reveled in the life of the trees, the grass, the creatures who sheltered within the forests and plains. He’d looked, wide-eyed, to indulgent Jedi adults, and smiled. That childhood glee was gone, tempered by the years, but he still drew a long breath when he stopped at the forest’s edge. The warm embrace of the Living Force softened the aches and pains that kept him up at night. Qui-Gon sensed that Luke had sought healing of his own, here. He waited, patiently, to learn if the other Jedi Master would break the silence. Turning his head only slightly at the sound, Luke remained quiet as Qui-Gon joined him at the edge of the forest. Still, his presence in the Force welcomed the other Master, clearly and without reservation. Turmoil was always easier soothed with a companion who walked the same path. “I see why you and your student enjoy it here so much,” Luke observed, his eyes remaining on the trees ahead. “You can almost forget the outside world when you are surrounded by the life contained in the forest.” He finally looked over at Qui-Gon, and although he smiled, faintly, his eyes were sad. “Almost.” “It is not so much forgetfulness as immersion,” Qui-Gon gently corrected, his own smile subdued, but kind. “The Living Force flows deeply, here. One can follow its currents more readily and more expansively in a place such as this than on many worlds. Such a journey can remind a traveler that the path walked is less lonely than it seems at first glance.” Qui-Gon did not ask what troubled Luke. It was often more productive to allow the admission to come naturally, in a person’s own time. There was no need to push for an explanation, perhaps no need for Luke to explain at all. Falling silent once more, although he acknowledged the words with a brief smile of his own, Luke turned his gaze back to the forest. When he struggled to reconcile his feelings to himself, it was doubly difficult to articulate them aloud. However, he realized that doing just that, speaking about it with another, may help him find the right path. “My parents have come through the rift,” he said, after a moment. “I do not know if Obi-Wan told you, and I do not think it should be shared with anyone else, but….you are as connected to them in some ways, as I am.” Luke sighed. “It is from before my father fell, and of course before my mother’s death. To their minds, the idea of the Sith and falling to the Dark Side is a tale they cannot believe. It is a great opportunity, to meet them like this. And yet...I am troubled.” “I ... see.” Qui-Gon could not conceal the hesitation in his voice. He had not known of Padme’s return, let alone Anakin’s arrival. The news was unexpected, though he did not fault Obi-Wan for saying nothing of it. His padawan must have had his reasons. Though Luke considered Qui-Gon as deeply tied to Anakin and Padme as their own family, the truth was still that Qui-Gon’s presence in their lives had been brief. He certainly had not been there to watch them grow into adulthood, to fall in love, or to make their indelible marks upon the galaxy. Not as a living man, in any case. He wondered, sometimes, if his spirit were still one with the Force in this time, existing simultaneously, and what wisdom that future self might impart. His concern now, however, was for Luke. Qui-Gon knew all too well what had happened after his death, thanks largely to Padme and Obi-Wan’s accounts. To say that Anakin’s relationship with his wife and children was complicated was as good as insisting rancors were only slightly temperamental. “Are you able to recognize the source of your concerns?” It was a gentle beginning, an invitation for Luke to examine his feelings more closely before he proceeded. “My feelings on this are not complex, but they are varied,” Luke said, his tone contemplative. “They are my parents, and yet….they are not. We have no shared history, only shared blood. I spoke with Anakin briefly, through the com as he and Padme are still on Naboo, and I….found it much easier to relate to him as another Jedi in need of counsel than someone who would be family. In a way, that is the way I would prefer it,” he clarified, as he looked to Qui-Gon. “I realize there has been discussion about how we keep to the Code in these times, and many seem in favor of reexamining the call to keep attachments to a minimum. But it is how I have lived, and in this, treating him as a fellow Jedi is infinitely simpler than as someone who may have been my father, had his path gone differently.” “Simpler, perhaps, but sustainable?” Qui-Gon shook his head. “It may not be. Though that is for you and Anakin to decide. I confess that I am relieved to know he has come here before the Dark Side ensnared him, but I cannot ignore the concerns that go along with foreknowledge. It isn’t quite the same, seeing a man’s future in history holos or living through it yourself as witnessing through the Force what might come to pass. His future seems more concrete in that way, and yet, it isn’t, is it?” The taller Jedi glanced at Luke, observing his reactions with the same care and empathy he had shown as a seasoned diplomat and teacher. “The Code as it was interpreted in my time could be said to have contributed to Anakin’s downfall. It seems to me that the lack of liberty to express his emotions and need for connection drove him, in party, to make the choices that led to his downfall.” Luke nodded. “And thus you come to the second of the emotions I have felt from this discovery,” he admitted. “Doubt, and to a lesser degree….jealousy.” A fleeting smile passed over his lips. “As I said, varied. But I do wish to say….I don’t have any such objections to looking at the Code once more in that light. Romantic attachments are more often discussed, but myself….I have a relationship with my sister that I would never wish to sunder in order to live closer to our ideals. Only that in the past, I have kept to the Code in so many other aspects, that I spoke to Anakin first as a Jedi, rather than a son. If I remove the Code from that…...I am not sure that it would change. I…..don’t know him.” Luke sighed, a bit roughly. “I know of him. I know who he became, and know a little less of who he was. My doubt comes in that while I have felt….grateful that I have this chance to know him, I am not certain that it will be a good experience.” He paused. “He and Padme have a second chance here, to make a new life now that they are free from Palpatine’s influence. But they cannot go back in time and raise my sister and I. However they learn and grow here, it will not be the same.” “Every Jedi is unique. That is why strict interpretation of the Code as practiced in my era failed beings such as your father.” Qui-Gon turned to Luke, and folded his hands over the top of his cane in unconscious imitation of Yoda. “You need not continue to live life by the interpretation you gave the Code in the past. Neither must you hold to the interpretations of other Jedi. Life is fluid. A Jedi must be able to adapt. Dedication and loyalty are admirable, but there is a point at which they become stubbornness.” Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow. “I believe that is a Skywalker trait. You may not have known your father as a child. He may not have raised you … but you do have common ground upon which to stand. That is a beginning. All relationships grow from a single moment.” “Yes...attempting to predict the future without accepting what could come of it….it can be problematic.” Luke looked back at his fellow Master, but his gaze was still slightly unfocused, as he felt his way through the lingering emotions. “I am using the Code as an excuse. It is not the root of my difficulties. I believe it is…..a sense of loss, and that is causing me to keep my parents, and also Obi-Wan, at a distance. The Code is merely the tool I am using to do so.” Sighing, Luke explained, “The Obi-Wan and the Anakin that I knew, they also knew me. We shared some of the most pivotal times in my life. Obi-Wan was the one who started me on my path, from giving me my father’s lightsaber to guiding me to Yoda for my training, and was the voice supporting me in difficult times. My father…..we were by needs enemies, but we also rediscovered the light of the Force together.” He paused, his thoughts heavy. “And as they are here, they are not those men. They have no memory, no reference of that shared past.” His thoughts untangled as he spoke, which had been his hope all along, as he slowly admitted, “I believe that I felt….by starting a new path with them each here, and now, it would somehow change our pasts, diminish it, and I would not wish that…..those were the moments that made me who I am.” Qui-Gon listened patiently as Luke evaluated his feelings. No one could be prepared for the situation they had been placed in. The laws of the universe had, once upon a time, seemed to be expressly against time travel. For Luke, the situation was exceptionally complicated. He faced the arrival of various versions of family and friends, and a tangled history of love, loss, and enmity that had affected the galaxy as a whole. “Your view of that past may change,” Qui-Gon observed, “but the past itself will not.” That much seemed certain. No matter how many beings were brought through the rift from the past, the timeline remained intact. “I imagine that your parents would appreciate this opportunity to walk this new path with you, that Obi-Wan is grateful to come to know the man you have become.” His smile was worn and a little sad as he added, “It is not easy to find the ones you love decades removed from your own time, having lived a future you would have wished were kinder to them.” Luke’s thoughts paralleled Qui-Gon’s, and this time with a similar sadness as well. It was much as Luke had said to Anakin before; they could not be here to change what had come before, since it was clear that none of these arrivals were altering the past. “I wish this could have changed it all,” Luke admitted, his gaze returning to the trees, but after a moment his eyes closing as he pondered. “Not for me, but for him. His path turned so exceptionally difficult, and his struggle was never-ending. And although Anakin is here, and happy and safe, all of that pain still existed.” Absently, Luke rubbed his hand over his face, as if to dispel the fatigue physically. “I imagine it is much the same as how you feel about Obi-Wan.” “To an extent.” Qui-Gon drew a deep breath to steady himself. “Obi-Wan was more than an apprentice. Our beginning was difficult, but I was proud of him in much the way I imagine a father becomes proud of his son. I still am. And I knew that his life would be one of sacrifice and service, but I had hoped it would be happy. That he would feel fulfilled and content. At the very least, I had hoped to be there when he was knighted.” The lingering physical weakness and pain from Darth Maul’s blow were constant reminders of how Qui-Gon had left Obi-Wan behind. He could drown in what-ifs if he allowed himself the luxury. “In a way, I feel that I failed your father as well. I gave him my word that I would teach him. Though I can think of no one I would trust more with Anakin’s training than my own Padawan, I cannot help but wonder what could have been, or if I was wrong to insist upon your father’s induction into the Order.” The Jedi Master shook his head at the impossible situation they found themselves in. “I left behind a confused child, and a grieving Padawan, and here I find them decades removed from the man and boy I recall, one wounded beyond my worst imagining, the other faced with the knowledge of a terrible future that he helped to bring about.” Luke had turned to look at his fellow Master once more, as Qui-Gon spoke, but he did not speak right away. Instead, he gave the words thoughtful consideration, appreciating what Qui-Gon offered from the insight into his own troubles, and the wisdom contained therein. Finally, he said, “It may be that they heal each other, Obi-Wan and Anakin, and that is their path, one we cannot walk. Ours will be different.” His blue eyes grew contemplative. “That is…..a good thing, I think. I have framed these occurrences by how they affect me, but that is not the way. Thinking outside myself, and reaching out rather than being concerned with my own peace, should help far more than reconciling myself to what might have been.” “Indeed.” Approval warmed Qui-Gon’s tone. “We cannot live in the past, no matter how vivid its ghosts might be. It is up to us to build a new future with what we have been given. To do otherwise would be to commit a disservice to ourselves and to those we care for.” With only a small nod of acceptance, Luke looked back to the forest. Yoda used to chide him about looking to the future; now Qui-Gon noted quite rightly that he was looking too much to the past. He needed to find his center once more, to devote his attention to what was right in front of him and where he was in his life at that moment. “Thank you for your wise words,” he said, turning back to Qui-Gon with a small smile. He could not deny it had helped; his emotions had calmed; his mind felt clearer and more in tune with the Force now. It was all he had wished. “I will take them to heart. In the meantime,” he added, with a bit more humor, “I think I have kept us both from our beds long enough.” |