master_luke (master_luke) wrote in thegalaxy, @ 2016-04-18 17:49:00 |
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The first time Leia had stepped onto the Falcon after Han’s death, she had felt a physical pain. The ship was so much a part of him, a part of their lives both together and apart, it seemed impossible that it could even exist without him. Yet it did. This time was easier. She had gone to Corellia with Chewie in the ship and then to see Luke so this time it didn’t hurt quite as much. It still hurt though and Leia wondered if it would ever get easier. She had been standing behind Chewie looking out the front viewport as they made the jump to hyperspace. Once the starlines appeared, she patted him on the shoulder and walked back to the area where Luke was sitting. She sat down next to her brother and sighed. “I can still feel him. Especially here. I keep expecting him to come around the corner or turn around in the pilot’s chair to make some smartass comment to me but it never happens. Does it ever stop hurting?” It was rhetorical question of course but not entirely. Leia didn’t ever want to forget Han, she couldn’t even if she tried but she did want the pain to be easier to bear. Luke’s smile was brief, just the barest curve of his lips. “In a way. I think it is more than we...take a different path than before, to avoid the pain, and then that becomes our new path. We then get to a point where it is harder to remember the first one.” His hands were folded on the table, but he released his fingers to smooth them over the surface. “Do you recall when we sat here, just like this, after Obi-Wan died?” he asked, quieter. “It is not the same and yet...it stirs memories.” “I remember,” she said softly. “There was so much that we didn’t know then. I forget sometimes just how young we were when all that happened. We were just teenagers yet we somehow were destined to change our world.” Leia sighed. “That was a lot more responsibility than anyone should have to take on at that age yet I wouldn’t change a thing.” “I thought it was the end, rather than the beginning,” he confessed. “With Obi-Wan gone, who would teach me? Who would tell us what we needed to know? Part of me was worried that all I had left was our uncle and aunt’s farm, waiting for me to spend the rest of my life there, and never again know what it was like to fight the Empire.” His blue eyes looked over his sister. “I suppose that’s why I say death is only a part of the larger whole. And yet...am I demeaning it too much? I don’t think Han would want us morose, I know that, but it is different, your relationship with him, as opposed to mine. It is a different kind of love, and I...haven’t really known that.” His hesitation was brief, but it was there. She looked at him with a slightly raised eyebrow. “No, you’re not. Han wouldn’t want us to be sad, I know that. He would probably give me a hard time for missing him so much.” Leia sat back and contemplated her brother. “I think you’re wrong about that last part by the way. You can deny it all you want but I’m your sister, it’s my job to point out the obvious.” “Again, I refer to that path. I had to make a new one, and so I did, and now I cannot picture the old one and what might have been.” Luke did not seem reluctant to discuss it, although his hands still absently stroked over the table surface, contemplative. “I thought it so ironic that this other timeline, this other me, successfully navigated that. And yet, he married someone I have never heard of. The divergence made me wonder.” He lifted his eyes to his sister. “I also wonder if he was happier for it.” “I don’t know,” she replied. “But I’d like to think so. I can only speak about what I saw and you were happy. I understand the choice you made, I might not have entirely agreed with it but I understand. I also respect her for realizing that she couldn’t follow you. I’m sure that wasn’t an easy choice to make.” Leia reached out and gently touched his hand. “But you’re right, you both took a different path but there’s still part of me that wishes things had been different. I worried about you while you were gone, I didn’t like the idea of you being alone wherever you were but I know you needed some peace even if I was mad as hell at you for a while.” “You had a right to be mad,” Luke answered, although he turned his hand over so he could close his fingers around hers. “For many reasons. I did fail you. I tried to raise Ben as if I was a Master instead of as his uncle, and I tried to keep him equal with his peers when he was so clearly not. In retrospect, it doesn’t surprise me that he sought someone who would see him better than I did.” The pain should have dulled after fifteen years and yet, not speaking of it so long brought it back, sharp and fresh. “I failed many people. Perhaps, I failed her as well. I know what I needed to do, but if I had exercised patience, or taken it more slowly…” With a sigh, he rubbed his free hand over his face, scrubbing hard as if he could banish the doubts now. “You had no way of knowing that Snoke had targeted him, Luke. None of us did but you’re right, he’s more powerful than any of us thought he would be. With Han not being Force sensitive, I would have thought…..well that’s clearly not anything to go by. Our mother wasn’t Force sensitive and we both are although I’m not as powerful as you.” Leia had never really explored that side of herself partially because she feared the Skywalker part of her to a certain extent and also because she felt she could better serve the galaxy in a political way. “As for the other, you never know. Maybe someday you’ll have the chance to find out. She’s still out there somewhere.” She squeezed his hands. “I’m really glad that you came back, Luke.” There was more that she could have said but it boiled down to that simple fact. Leia had missed her brother and she was happy to have him back in her life. “I am glad too,” Luke admitted, quietly. He knew Leia’s doubts about her own skills, knew her fears, which had only cemented harder since her son’s fall. He thought about Qui-Gon’s advice, about the possibility of not being able to save either the Order or Ben, and certainly not alone. But none of that would help Leia, right now. Stirring himself from these darker thoughts, he said, “Have you had a chance to speak with our mother? She is reticent, but she is here, and I know she would like to get to know both of us better. It’s simply very, very fresh for her, our father’s fall. There was a lot she did not know about what eventually happened.” “I spoke briefly with her on the holonet but I want to talk to her in person. It’s a gift, to have the chance to get to meet her, I definitely want to know her better,” she could understand why speaking to them might be hard for Padme, especially given the circumstances. “Exactly from what point in time did she come? If our father’s fall was fresh, she must have been pregnant with us?” “I believe it was right after we were born,” Luke replied, after taking a deep breath. “There was so much she didn’t know. I don’t think she has spoken with many here, and I worry that she feels isolated. Perhaps next time, we can go to see her together?” he offered. “I worry about the possibility of her returning back to her time, before we get to know her. Did you know that can happen? Mara Jade, my…..the other Luke’s wife, she returned back to her time, it seems, and then came back here within a week, while three years passed for her. If Padme returns back….she’ll die.” He was surprised at the sadness that thought brought forth, for he had never even known his mother until just recently. “When we return, we should go see her. I think it would be easier for me if you came too. I wouldn’t even know where to begin but you’ve met her and maybe having you there would feel less awkward for her.” Leia wanted to meet their mother, she’d always wondered about her. Aside from her name and some basic facts, she knew nothing. “I had read some others who mentioned going back and returning after passing several days or weeks at home. Three years is the longest that I’ve heard about I believe.” She paused for a moment, wondering how best to put into words what she was thinking. “It feels strange doesn’t it? Knowing that there is another version of you out there somewhere who lived a completely different life. Except in my case, the other me still did marry Han but aside from that, there are a lot of difference. I see Han….the other Han...on the network sometimes and it always comes as a surprise even though I know he’s not the man I married although in some ways he is. I haven’t quite been able to come to terms with it all yet. I met one of the children though, I believe I told you that. He was a very nice young man, very intelligent, he returned home but hasn’t come back. Some people don’t.” Leia felt slightly guilty for having liked Jacen so much. He was very different from Ben yet she could also see a few similarities in the way they carried themselves, their eyes but then she was remembering the boy she had last seen when he was a young teenager. She had no idea what he looked liked now underneath that mask. “I definitely want to see our mother then. I don’t know if a person remembers being here when they go back there but if that’s possible, at least she’ll know we both survived.” Luke nodded. “She’s….amazing,” he said, after a pause. “Padme. And yes, I find it disconcerting at best that there is this...other me. I might not have accepted that, when I was younger. But now….the Force acts as it wills. It breathes life wherever it can, so, I cannot say this is impossible. And yes, I saw Han.” This was just as painful to him, and he had a difficult time putting his thoughts into words. “I haven’t spoken with him yet. He’s….not our Han, not as we knew him. Our experiences shape who we are, just as much as our bodies, our spirits. Perhaps it is cowardice.” Luke pressed his fingers to his temple. “I hope not. I’d be disappointed in myself. But I considered it. And the children, I wanted to make time for them. If what we have left is Jaina, then I will speak to her. She may find it helpful, I don’t know.” “Her brother spoke very highly of her. They’re twins you know, like us.” She smiled at her brother. “She’s a pilot I understand and according to Poe, she’s a very good one. He’s gone flying with her a few times. She’s interesting in joining the Resistance even though she just went through a war in her world. I suppose that no matter the timeline, our family is always going to fight for what is right and that’s not a bad thing.” Leia knew that speaking of Han was hard for Luke as well. The two had been like brothers and she knew he felt the loss as much as she did although in a different way. “I want to meet my other self but I’m not ready to meet…..her Han...not yet. Maybe it is cowardice but right now I can’t face it. I’m still sorting my emotions out about everything including how he died.” She bit her lip. “If he had been killed any other way, I think I would be handling it better but this…..even though I can’t believe that our son would do it, that he was possessed by the Dark Side...it’s the only way I can bear it. I can’t bear to think that my Ben would have done it. Even if he didn’t always have the best relationship with his father.” Leia paused. “You believed that our father had good in him and you were right even though I couldn’t believe that it was true. Now I find myself in the same position. Part of me believes that there is good left in Ben and I can’t give up on him despite everything.” “I can’t stop believing that,” Luke answered, quietly. “Even now, if I tried to suppress it and say that it was too late, there is a part of me who remembers our father, and the end, and how my instinct was right. But….” Qui-Gon’s words echoed in his head. “I also have to accept that even if there remains good in him, we may not be able to save him.” He hated the words as they left his mouth, hated what they would do to Leia, but they would have poisoned him inside if he shoved them down deep. It was not in his nature. “I saved Anakin Skywalker and yet, I did not. His soul, yes, but….that was all.” If her brother’s words surprised her, Leia didn’t show it. Luke was right of course, yes Anakin’s soul did return to the Light but there were so many years when he had been lost to them. “I know,” she said simply. “I don’t want to give up on him, Luke. I can’t give up on him but I understand. Maybe when the time comes and I see him again, I might find myself in the same position as Han. I also have to ask myself if the situations were reversed and I had to decided, could I do it? Could I destroy my son for the good of everyone? I don’t know and I’ve thought about it a lot.” “You’ll never know until it happens.” Luke turned more so he could look his sister in the eyes directly. “When I went to face our father, I did not know if I would be able to succeed. All I felt was that I needed to go. I would not be surprised to die there, even though I certainly didn’t wish to. I just felt compelled to try.” Inwardly, he heard Yoda’s admonishment and chuckled to himself, but his gaze remained serious. “And even then, I almost gave in to my anger and my pain. My loss at being abandoned by him. The rage at knowing he had been there all along and had even killed someone else that I cared about. In the end, I remembered who he really was and I couldn’t strike him down. And yet…..had he not rejected the Emperor then, had he not turned back to the Light, I might have had to stop him still.” “But you believed,” she said. “That’s what’s important. I want to believe, most of the time I do believe but some days, it’s just so much easier to throw myself into what I’m doing and not think about it. Which is what pulled Han and me apart. We both did the same thing.” Leia sighed. “There is still so much of our father’s legacy that I haven’t worked through. Even after all these years.” “You may never work through it all,” Luke replied, kindly. “You didn’t even have the glimpse of him that I did. And Leia…” He paused, choosing his words. “He was not a good man anymore, and he does not deserve your forgiveness unless it is done for you, not for him. He did one good thing, at the end, and he rejected the Dark Side, but it does not undo what had come before.” This was the difficult part, to apply that to what they knew now. “Even if Ben turns away from the Dark Side, that will not make him a good man. Just a man who has rejected the Dark. He would still have a path ahead to atone and repair what he had broken before, including your trust, and my own. And he may never earn those things.” Hard truths to accept, but they had been in Luke’s mind for fifteen years now. “If you accept that much, that you can love your son still and yet not forgive him outright, then I think it may be easier for you to face day to day.” At first his words surprised Leia but then she realized he was right. Her father had tortured her and while she knew that he had no idea who she was, the fact remained that he had done it. He destroyed her world and killed millions of people. Luke was right, even though he turned at the end, had he survived, he would have had to live with the knowledge of what he’d done. “No, he wasn’t a good man. At one time yes but we didn’t know him then, we only knew him as Vader.” she looked down at her hands. “I will always love Ben, I’m his mother, I can’t stop loving him but forgiving him?” She looked up. “He killed Han, his father, the man that I loved with all my heart. I want to help Ben, I want to bring him back but I can’t forgive that. I...I’ve known that in my heart for some time but I thought it made me a bad person to admit that but it’s true.” “I don’t think anything could make you a bad person,” Luke replied, loyally. “This...this is understanding the reality of forgiveness. While we love our family, we have to recognize when our family hurts others and we are responsible for that. We cannot overlook pain caused just because we love them.” Hard truths, ones he had examined ever since their father died. At the same time, he didn’t want to be the Jedi Master with his sister, dispensing wisdom. Gingerly, he put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed. “We will still do everything we can, Leia,” he reassured her, quietly.’’ She nodded and rested her head on his shoulder. “I know. All we can do is try and hope and in the end, we have no control over the choices he makes.” Leia had thought a great deal about that since Han had died, about choices and even if Snoke had corrupted Ben, he was the one that had made the choice by choosing not to fight. Leia lifted her head and smiled at her brother though it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m glad you’ll be with me, Luke. It means a lot.” “Still love me?” he teased her, to bring back some light into her eyes. “There’s a lot ahead of us, Leia, and it will help. We will help.” He sighed. “And here I was used to the quiet life, before you forced me back from being lazy. I suppose you can take the boy out of the farm, but you cannot teach him responsibility, hmm?” Leia rolled her eyes. “Of course I do. I think that’s pretty much a given, that I’ll always love you even when I want to kick you.” She smiled. “All that matters is that you’re back now and we’ll sort this all out somehow, we work better when we’re together.” Although she didn’t speak the words, she was thinking of the one person who wouldn’t be with them but then Chewie called from the cockpit and she looked over at Luke. “Even if the third member of our team is a little hairier than he used to be. What is it, Chewie?” she called. He replied and she turned her eyes back to Luke. “We’re about to come out of hyperspace. He says we’re at D’Qar. Which was on the list of places we wanted to look at.” “That, and as you said before, Dermos.” Giving his sister one last hug, Luke rose from the seat, and offered his hand to help her up. “I’ll keep an open mind, but I believe these two locations are our best bet. I’d rather move the Jedi now, and start moving those who are affected the most, rather than waiting. I just have a feeling about Naboo right now...it’s drawing too many eyes.” She nodded. “Yes, it is. Poe’s contact said that the First Order sent out a memo last week, they’re watching the Rift very closely trying to get as much information on the arrivals as possible. They’re also increasing their media presence, trying to make themselves look good. So this is the time to move.” “Then let’s take a look at what we have.” Her boyish brother was gone, replaced by the somber and serious Jedi Master. Luke walked with her up to the cockpit, where Chewie waited. “If we can find something suitable, I’d like to move the Jedi as soon as possible.” “I think that’s wise,” she said. “They are in more danger than we are. Especially after that young woman was attacked.” Leia looked out the viewport, then reached for her brother’s hand. “Looks like it’s time for us to begin again.” Luke only nodded in grim agreement. |