Alex (fatheralex) wrote in thefield, @ 2009-08-12 23:55:00 |
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Entry tags: | alex, jasper, z - 1st tribe - day 32 |
a tactical retreat is not a loss
Who: Alex & Jasper
When: Late evening, day 32
What: Alex owes Jasper an apology
Where: her lean-to
Rating: Pr0n for priests! (PG13 again)
Alex had spent the rest of the day away from people, ashamed and embarrassed. He had let the pollen affect him. He had let it control him. He had broken his vows. And worse yet, he had hurt an innocent girl. He had heard her curse as he had run off, it was almost impossible for him not to, but it hadn't made him turn around. He was humiliated and mortified at himself, at his behavior. It was uncalled for and unforgivable.
That said though, he needed to ask Jasper's forgiveness. He couldn't let her suffer at his hand, though he wasn't so sure it would be accepted. He had to try though. It had taken a while for him to regain his composure enough to try to face her though. Now, he approached her lean-to hesitantly, and called into it from a polite distance, "Miss Valentine? I need to apologize," there was no sense in beating around the bush about it. He had to apologize. "If you'll let me."
Miss Valentine? Wonderful. Bloody wonderful. Not only could he not bring himself to kiss her, he couldn't even say her first name any more. Jasper uncurled herself from her semi-fetal position and peeked out of her leanto towards him. Her eyes were red, but dry. "It's Jasper. You know that." At least this was something she could force the issue on. "Come on in."
When she'd gone back to the leanto, she hadn't touched herself or anything like that. Every time she even considered it, the look on her face made her stomach go cold again. Eventually she'd fallen asleep with her hands tucked up underneat her head, though it wasn't exactly a restful kind of sleep. Jasper looked at him when Alex got inside "Sup?"
Coming in, Alex sat there cross legged, head bowed before he looked up and spoke, eyes clear and voice steady, but he looked as though he had been through an emotional wringer as well. "Jasper. Yes. I'm sorry. I..." he trailed off, "I though to a million ways to try to explain and I'm not sure I can properly. I wanted to reassure you though, this has nothing to do with you...I'm not...I'm not rejecting you," he closed his eyes, this was coming out poorly. Worse than he had expected.
Sighing, he tried again. "I took vows, Jasper. A vow of celibacy. If it weren't the pollen, I would never have...have let myself be in a situation like this with anyone. You're cute and sweet and if I hadn't taken the vows it might be different, but I did and I mean to uphold them as best I can. I'm sorry."
"It wasn't you. You were just... following biological instincts, which don't listen to vows, no matter how much we want them too, that were affected at the chemical level by the Pink Sex Cloud. You were built to be affected, just like I was. As annoying it might be." Jasper said grudgingly. She'd had a lot of time today to consider what to say on the off chance that Alex might stop by, so she was ready for this. Thank god. Or she might've just started crying or something. "Sort of like God said 'be fruitful and multiply', and didn't say a thing about exempting anyone from the temptation to do so."
"Doesn't change that I hurt you," even in the waning light he could see that her eyes were red rimmed. "I never meant to hurt you. I don't know how to deal with this...pink sex cloud, yes," she hadn't kicked him out, he was surprised by that, pleasantly so. "You're my friend," hesitantly he reached out and touched her arm, then withdrew his hand, unsure about what might happen if it lingered and untrusting of himself. "I want to...be with you," he admitted slowly. It had taken a while for him to admit that to himself this afternoon, "Physically, I mean. I know how you feel though, when you're in your right mind. And you know how I feel. So. I think it best I go," he gave her a wan smile and there was pain around the edges.
Jasper's hand snaked out and gripped his wrist, and she leaned over. Not that she kissed his mouth. In fact, she kissed his forehead, and her other hand cradled his cheek. It was, admittedly, a rather chaste kiss in the way it was presented. "It sucked. It really did. But thank you for not just... not talking to me anymore. You're a friend." And she sat back to where she had been originally, and settled herself. And picked up a twig and started drawing in the dirt. "When this is over, we're going to look back and, like, laugh at how silly we were." That was said in a more hopeful tone than anything.
When she touched him, kissed his forehead, it was all he could do not to accept this as her wanting more. Intellectually he knew better, but his body was not listening to his mind right now. "No..you don't understand." he shook his head, "I broke my vows, Jasper. This afternoon, I..." he couldn't say it and he closed his eyes quickly, before she could see the tears in them, "I couldn't help myself. The damage is done," awkwardly he began to climb to his feet. "I need to go."
Jasper watched him, with sad eyes. "Remind me, when I can run again, to take you to church." She said quietly, and drew some more in the dirt with her twig.
"To church?" he asked, curious, not quite out the makeshift door.
"There's a valley, out in the desert. It's a church, more than anything. You want to whisper there, and feel God, and when you come out the other side you enter paradise." And that's all there really was too it. Well, you had to traverse through a bit more desert to get to said paradise, so it wasn't quite right, either, but it was pretty damn close. "And I don't usually feel God anywhere in particular."
"God is everywhere, Jasper," he said, then offered her a weak smile before disappearing. He needed to be alone. To pray to...to reconcile his thoughts and actions and emotions. They were in three different places right now, pulling him in different directions.