After Quinn's funeral, Bazzer needs consoling.
Who: Bazzer & Kenneth Where: their sleepingbag When: the night after the funeral What: Bazzer REALLY dislikes funerals Rating: PG-13-some serious snogging occurs.
Bazzer had gone to Quinn's funeral because he felt obligated and because while he hadn't known the man well, there were not many of them in the group. He needed to know there were people there for him, even after death. Perhaps it didn't make sense since Quinn was dead and that was it, Bazzer did not believe in an afterlife, but it made a difference to those living. So he had gone. He hated funerals though, they reminded him of his sister Vanessa's funeral. This was the first time he had attended a funeral actually since she had died. Normally, he just went to the visitation and did his best to not look at the casket or more importantly, who was inside it.
This time though, he hadn't had a choice. There hadn't been a visitation for obvious reasons and there hadn't been a casket. Just a naked body in a hole. It had taken all his willpower to stay there through the short service and he probably wouldn't have it if hadn't been for Kenneth. Whether anyone knew they were together now or not, he would never have made it without him.
Afterwards, Bazzer had gone to work on his skins, but really, he had just hidden and stared off at nothing, thinking. Remembering. He hadn't really been able to eat at dinner either, though he had managed a few mouthfuls of something. He wasn't sure what. It could have been a Big Mac and he wouldn't've noticed.
Now though, the suns had gone down and it was dark and time to sleep. Bazzer just sort of fidgeted nervously, not because he was sleeping with Kenneth, that had been something wonderful that he had enjoyed the past several days, but because he didn't want to dream. Shaking, he finally began to undress, pulling his clothes off completely and just standing there, back to Kenneth before sitting down on the cold rock, pulling his knees to his chin and wrapping his arms around himself. He wasn't trying to make himself sick, he just...had to remember. It didn't matter if he wanted to or not, he kept seeing Vanessa there in that hole, not Quinn. His body began to shake uncontrollably as he sat there.
Kenneth had been keeping a close eye on Bazzer, but trying to do so without making it seem like he was hovering. He knew that funerals weren't easy for him, but it was a little hard to get an idea of how hard. During dinner, Bazzer had barely eaten, so when Kenneth had come up to where he camped, he'd brought a little extra food in case Bazzer got hungry again. Fussing about with the shotgun, he finally set it aside when Bazzer sat down.
He moved to the fire, scooted up behind Bazzer and wrapped his arms around the other man. Kenneth pulled him back so that Bazzer was against his chest, bracketed between Kenneth's legs. He rested his chin on Bazzer's shoulder, "Right here, ti..I'm right here."
That was all he needed. With an aborted hiccup Bazzer crumbled shaking and sniffling as he cried. He hadn't meant to, he had been so good about not doing it this entire time. He had held himself together at the funeral, all afternoon, through dinner...but he couldn't do it now. He just tried and couldn't. He hadn't cried like this when they had found the dead girls, him and Quinn. He had cried for them, but not like this. Not even remotely similar. He turned in Kenneth's arms, holding onto him as it if were for dear life until he couldn't cry anymore and his body just shook as he tried to catch his breath.
Kenneth held Bazzer tightly, rocking slowly with his Bazzer's head tucked under his chin. He wished there was more he could do, but this was it for the moment. One hand curled protectively around the back of Bazzer's neck, the other rubbed slowly up and down his spine as lightening flashed across the sky. "I've got you," he murmured softly into Bazzer's hair. "You want to talk about it?" Didn't take a genius to know that this had to do with his sister.
Bazzer shook his head and clutched at Kenneth tighter, "You think I'm pathetic," he sniffled, though he didn't let go either. He did feel better now, though he felt bad for crying over his sister when it was Quinn's funeral they had had. Shouldn't he be crying over Quinn? "S'not our first death here. Just the most recent," and the only one that had had a group funeral like this. The others had all been smaller affairs though he had heard that the priest had gone to say some words. He hadn't really thought about it much.
"I don't think you're pathetic," Kenneth corrected him, tipping Bazzer's head back gently so they were face to face. "There is nothing wrong with having or expressing grief." That didn't explain why Kenneth himself was so apparently calm. He'd simply found other outlets for grief, pouring them into work or other activities. Building memorials. Making sure they were truly alone, he kissed Bazzer gently. "Death sometimes hits us in different ways."
"You don't," Bazzer pointed out. Not that he had seen, though it was arguable since Bazzer had done his best to be scarce earlier. Kissing Kenneth back he smiled, "You're getting better at that," he whispered. "I like it," not that he was a better kisser, Bazzer thought that Kenneth kissed plenty fine in his very limited range of experience, but that he was doing it more. Initiating it. Even if it was only at night when no one else could see, it was a step. A good step and Bazzer wanted to encourage that. Plus, he wasn't so fond of PDA himself, at least not the huggy, kissy type. Randomly, he kissed Kenneth along his jaw.
"Yes I do. Just not in the usual traditional ways, but I've had a lot of grief in my life and a lot of it coming at times when I couldn't express it. You just learn other ways." Kenneth smiled weakly, "Yeah?"
It wasn't that he didn't like kissing Bazzer, he did, it was just a difficult thing for him to be open about, especially when he was still trying to come to terms with all of it. Vaguely Kenneth wondered how long it would be before people realized Bazzer was sneaking away at night. Couldn't be too much longer now, and please God don't let it be Arlo that does. If Alro made a big deal of it, Kenneth might be inclined to simply kill the asshole. "You like it?" Well, if that was all it took to give Bazzer some comfort. Kenneth tightened the hand on the back of his neck slightly and kissed him harder, tongue licking into Bazzer's mouth with far more aggression than Kenneth had shown before.
"Mmm!" Bazzer began, surprised at the vehemence behind the kiss, but relaxing into it and snaking his own tongue into Kenneth's mouth. Smoothly, he adjusted his position so that they were face to face, legs intertwining in different directions. Wrapping his arms around the older man, Bazzer broke away for a breath, their foreheads touching. "You have been holding out on me," he teased, reaching up and taking his glasses off. "And I feel both over and under dressed. Pick one."
"Both," he admitted with a crooked grin. Slowly, Kenneth leaned back and rolled to the side so they were both down on the ground, Bazzer on his back, Kenneth half on his side. His hand pressed against Bazzer's chest, warm and solid. "Not holding out. Just takes me a while to get comfortable." His hand slid down to Bazzer's waist and rested there as Kenneth bent to kiss him again a soft growl rumbling in his throat.
Kenneth touching him and more than that, Kenneth kissing him made Bazzer's body react in a very pleasing way. "Watch the glasses, kay?" he asked, voice low. He couldn't since they were off and if they broke he would be as blind as Ryan and he did not want that. He did want Kenneth though and he slowly began pulling his shirt from his pants and sliding his hands along his skin, tickling his sides and just enjoying how Kenneth felt. He was solid, muscled. He wasn't as bony and thin as Bazzer. He had never been a large guy, just reasonably tall and skinny. He never filled out the way guys were supposed to once they finished growing.
Nodding, he moved Bazzer's glasses way out of the way so they wouldn't squish them and ran his fingers lightly through the man's hair. The hands against his skin brought goose bumps to the surface and he shivered once. It wasn't the first time he'd felt Bazzer's hands on his bare skin, but it was the first time they weren't in the lean-to and hidden under the sleeping bag. He could feel the press of Bazzer's erection against his hip as they kissed, but it wasn't something Kenneth was entirely prepared to handle, so to speak. He nudged at Bazzer's jaw with his nose and nuzzled at his throat.
Bazzer hadn't expected Kenneth to do anything about or with his hard on like that, but it was a good response anyways, though far from his first in general, it was the first with Kenneth like this. Like there was a chance. He hoped, but he did not expect. Kenneth's skin was warm, almost hot compared to his own, but then that was because he wasn't wearing anything in the cool night. "Okay?" Bazzer asked, hoping that he hadn't somehow made Kenneth feel uncomfortable. It was amazing how quickly the roles had reversed, but Bazzer was feeling better.
"Yeah," he whispered softly, tongue flicking against Bazzer's skin. Kenneth's hand moved slowly his skin, feeling how chilled he was. Pulling Bazzer in closer against him, Kenneth smiled. He was trying very hard not to think too hard about what he was doing and just enjoy the feelings for a few more minutes. Nipping at Bazzer's jaw, Kenneth held tighter as he claimed his mouth again.
"Thank you," Bazzer whispered, molding his body against Ken's, his fingers teasing the waistband of Kenneth's pants without actually dipping inside them. He sniffed and kissed Kenneth, his mouth exploring his entire face before losing his hands in Kenneth's gray locks. They weren't long, Bazzer's own were longer even without the curl he had, but they were softer than they looked and he loved it. The color looked good on Kenneth. It didn't make him look old, it made him look more badass. And more sexy.
It was long for Kenneth, even though there was just barely enough there to grab, it was the longest his hair had been in years. His leg slid up between Bazzer's, locking their bodies together more securely as he deepened the kiss until he was breathless. Pulling back, he nipped along Bazzer's collar bone, resisting the urge to actually leave soft hickies on his skin. That would give them away for sure. He lifted his head and cupped one hand against Bazzer's cheek. "What are you thanking me for?"
"For being you. For being here," for putting up with him, "For being at the funeral with me," he whispered, tearing up, but not crying. "Where were you when my sister died, huh?" he asked, his tone slightly accusatory, but not mean. He knew, back then, he was a child. Kenneth was in the military, probably married. There was no chance then, Bazzer hadn't even noticed girls or boys. "If you had been there it would have been okay," or maybe it wouldn't have, but Bazzer didn't think so. Taking Kenneth's lower lip lightly in his teeth, Bazzer sucked on it before moving towards Kenneth's neck sucking hard enough to leave a mark.
Kenneth stiffened as he felt Bazzer sucking on his neck, his hand fisted into Bazzer's hair, pulling him back. "No," he said softly. "No marks...they'll see marks." His heart started to slam hard in his chest as Kenneth fought off the wave of panicked fear. "No marks, Tiger and I was there...just in another place on the planet." He'd been fighting another war then, actually, he'd been in a POW camp at the time.
Pouting, Bazzer pulled back. Damn. Alright. Nodding, even though Kenneth probably couldn't see it he kissed that spot on Kenneth's neck tenderly, "I don't care who sees," he replied, but he knew Kenneth did. He would respect that. "I know. You were saving the world. Would've looked funny with a 13 year old kid anyways," well, not looked funny so much as been illegal. "Just saying. I wish you had been. And I wish we had just had a graveside funeral for her like we had today for Quinn. It would have been so much better. Just something short and quiet. Is that what you did for your wife and daughter?" he had forgotten that for as many times as Kenneth had been married, his first marriage hadn't ended in divorce like the others.
Kenneth didn't like thinking back to that time, to the pain and anger that had entirely owned him after they had died. He shook his head, "I. Don't remember a lot of it." He rolled away from Bazzer and onto his back, staring up at the sky. "I didn't plan it, her parents did. I was in Afghanistan at the time. It was during Desert Storm. I was given leave to go to the funeral, but I don't really remember much of it. Just being there. My father showing up...with a date." He shrugged one shoulder and put and arm over his eyes as if that could block the memories.
"I remember my mom crying," Bazzer began, rolling so his head was pillowed against Kenneth and putting his glasses on before reaching for his shirt and pulling it on since it was getting very chilly out, a storm was coming. Even in the darkness, he could see the clouds swirling angrily, but there was no thunder or lightning yet, "and not understanding what was happening. There were a ton of people at our house, everywhere, all day and night. It was like Carly and me were an afterthought...no one told us what to do or anything except when it was time for the visitation and funeral they made me wear a suit. When I tried to ask questions I was always told to shush," and Bazzer could ask a lot of questions, that was one thing he hated - not getting them answered. "When I saw her I cried, because she didn't look like my sister and my mom got mad."
Kenneth just nodded slowly as he threaded his fingers threaded into Bazzer's hair. He still had his arm over his eyes, trying not to think about his wife's funeral. He knew the memories were different for Bazzer, he was facing them for the first time perhaps, but Kenneth didn't want to think about it. However, he also didn't want to shut Bazzer down if the man needed to deal with this. "I can imagine not being allowed to grieve made things more difficult."
"Didn't work out so well," he agreed, getting quiet for a minute and enjoying the feel of Kenneth playing with his hair. It felt good as the wind picked up slightly. The storm was coming in fast. "We should go to sleep," he whispered, "It's going to storm..." and when it did there probably wouldn't be much sleep, though he was loathe to move right now. He was comfortable and really, he had gone farther with Kenneth than he had expected and it was great. Wonderful even. Fabulous. Snuggling into Kenneth a little more, he smiled to himself, pleased.
Nodding, Kenneth gave Bazzer's hair a gentle tug. "Into bed with us then. Best sleep while we can." He waited for Bazzer to shift then sat up, and reached for his clothing. Better to get that under the lean too as well. "I'll see if I can get something to put over the lean-to so we can stay dry at least." He looked at the sky. "Maybe." If it poured as much as he thought it might, it might be a worthless attempt.
Bazzer hadn't realized how cold he'd become until he slipped back into his underwear and pants. Even without socks or shoes he felt better or at least, warmer. He hadn't wanted to move though, "You're sleeping back is water proof, right?" he asked, unzipping it and getting it ready for sleeping in. They were secluded up here and relatively protected, but it wasn't really a proper shelter to keep the rain out. "I mean...if nothing else we can just huddle down at the bottom, right?" he had loved to do that as a kid when he had slept in his sleeping bag, though it wasn't because he was cold, it was just a hiding place. He'd never taken it camping either.
Kenneth laughed, "Yeah, but we aren't both going to fit like that. We barely can zip it as is." He zipped Bazzer into it and cupped his hand against his cheek. "I'll be right back. Just going to see if I can find something, maybe that lakeweed." Bending, he kissed him softly. "Stay warm....I'll likely need some of that heat when I get back." Kenneth wasn't sure that Bazzer would wait for him, but he hoped he would. Both of them getting chilled just seemed unwise.
"Hurry," he whispered, returning the kiss and curling up. The sleeping bag might barely be big enough for the two of them, but he liked it. It'd be better in the summer when they could unzip it and have more room. Bazzer found it strange sleeping so close to someone else, even if he liked it too. Whereas he tended to try to curl and snuggle, Kenneth slept very quietly, almost without moving at all. It was strange, but he assumed it was from so many years in the military. At least he didn't snore...usually. There had been a couple short moments when Kenneth had let out a few very unexpected snorts. Closing his eyes, Bazzer tried to sleep.