colonelgibson (colonelgibson) wrote in thefield, @ 2009-06-05 15:31:00 |
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Entry tags: | bazzer, kenneth, z - 1st tribe - day 22 |
Two men get into a sleeping bag for warmth...yeah...warmth.
Who: Kenneth and Bazzer
When: Day 22-night, post Jasper rescue
Where: Lookout Ledge
Rating: PG-13
Kenneth had watched as Thorne had done his best to patch up Jasper, running to fetch whatever the doc had needed with Bazzer's help. At the end of the night, they didn't know any more than they had before. When the doc had gotten Scout and the kids tucked in with Helena, Kenneth finally started feeling the cold. He was still damp and just like everyone else, there was no change of clothes. He built up the fire, then took some of the wood and a lit splinter up to the rock ledge he was keeping lookout from. Building a fire up there would be like lighting a beacon, but Carlita might still be out there, and the laughers couldn't get over. Even if they could, they'd be going after grazers first. Easier catch and larger prey.
Sighing, he built the fire up higher and laid his clothes flat near it before climbing into his sleeping bag. He was too keyed up for sleep, but he sat by the fire, his sleeping bag like a giant snuggie. When he heard someone coming, he didn't even have to think. Only two people would follow him up here and Helena had her hands full with children. "Hey there, Tiger," he murmured before Bazzer came into view, "Coming up to keep the old man company?"
Bazzer sat down cross-legged next to Kenneth's sleeping bag. He was still clothed unlike a lot of people, though he also wasn't damp or wet. He hadn't gone in the water, there'd been no need. "Just checking on you," he said quietly. Kenneth had been taking care of everyone else he had noticed, though he had been busy helping Thorne despite their problems and differences. "Wanted to tell you that you did good, that you're important here," because he knew that Kenneth didn't always feel like he was needed. Bazzer didn't always feel like part of the group entirely, and he recognized that was somewhat his own doing, but he knew he was important and what he did was needed.
Kenneth glanced over at him with a bit of a smile, "Thanks." He didn't exactly need the reassurance because Kenneth acted the way he did out of a deep seated sense of duty, but it certainly didn't hurt to hear. Even inside his sleeping bag and next to the fire, Kenneth was feeling chilled with the kind of bone deep chill that took hours to finally dissipate. He pulled the fabric tighter around him. "Thorne seems quite grateful for your help. Glad to see you could look past your problems with him." That was a huge positive for Kenneth in Bazzer's favor, to see that he could put aside personal issues for the sake of the group. It was a sign of emotional maturity that spoke well for the other man. "You may have helped him save her life."
"This wasn't about him and me. It was about Jasper and those kids," Bazzer shrugged, "I am still mad at him," mostly because he and Ryan were still together. If they'd broken up he wouldn't be mad, but he wouldn't get with Thorne again. No way. Noticing that Kenneth was cold, Bazzer pulled his shirt off, "Want a dry shirt?" he offered. It would make him cold, but he would let Kenneth have it anyways. He needed to not get sick from being in the water, that'd be bad.
It hadn't been hard to miss Bazzer's more and more frequent trends toward nudity and while Kenneth understood that it was easier and all that, he couldn't help but notice his own reaction to that as well which is why whenever the clothes started coming off, Kenneth usually went another direction. After all, no reason to tempt fate by allowing his reactions to give him away. However, getting up and walking off now while he was naked in a sleeping bag would have been even more obvious. "Uh...I think you should keep that. It's going to get even colder tonight and I've got this." He nodded his head toward the sleeping bag and tried to hide his sudden nervousness, which was harder than he thought it should be. "I'll be fine in a bit, just takes a while to get fully warm again. Water was colder than I thought."
Nodding and accepting that reasoning, Bazzer pulled his shirt back on. If asked, he would say that he didn't like wearing dirty clothes or ruining the little clothing he had, but he enjoyed the freedom here. The openness. Not feeling like he would be mocked or have to hide the tattoo for work or from his parents or someone. A lot of the people he knew on Earth hadn't had a problem with a little tatoo on someone's ankle or shoulder or something, but his was a little different than that. Namely, it was huge. Very few people, even those with extensive tattoos on them, had just one large image like he did. "Alright then..." Bazzer looked like he had something else to add but then he just smiled a little, "Sleep well, Kenneth," he said instead and went to get up to go.
It was the hesitation that got his attention and Kenneth reached out one hand to touch his shoulder. "You don't have to run off," he offered, hoping to draw out whatever it was that Bazzer was holding back. "Not like I dislike company or anything." Truth was, he wasn't ready to sleep and if he just sat there staring at the fire, his mind would go over the situation with Jasper again and again and again looking for anything he could have done differently. "It'll keep me from over-analyzing," he admitted in a quiet voice as he stared at the fire. "Trying to figure out what I should have done differently."
That confused Bazzer, but he sat back down, pulling his knees up to his chin. "There's nothing else that could have been done," he replied, confused. "You couldn't control sundown or when the laughers came or where Jasper was when they came. You couldn't control that she had kids with her, we didn't know," or at least he hadn't known. "We did the best we could in the situation. Everyone..." well, perhaps not him. He had stayed behind on the shores with some of the others, watching. He hadn't known what to do without being a liability in the water himself. Bazzer could swim, but he was not the strongest by a good margin. He had been surprised to find that the priest was though. "Sorry, you probably want distraction not my uninformed critique of things."
"Maybe I should have gone for her, trusted the kids to swim themselves. Or turned them both over and helped Alex." Even though by then she'd already been mauled. "Or shot faster. Or.." The strategies in his mind turned over and over again rapidly Giving himself a physical shake, Kenneth tried to push them away. It was pointless, he knew that. What was done was done and the likelihood of a repeat scenario was so unlikely that rehashing it wouldn't even be useful. He scrubbed a hand over his face, for once looking his age and more. Tired and worn down and worried that he wasn't doing enough. "Doesn't matter now. God, what I wouldn't give for bottle of scotch." He raked his hand through his hair again.
"Scotch?" that surprised Bazzer, "I'd think you'd drink...I don't know. Whiskey. Straight probably, not on the rocks," something macho. Bazzer just usually had beer if he went out somewhere, "We could make beer probably. Not now, but in the spring maybe?" he suspected they were into the end of summer or fall now, but he wasn't sure, it would depend on what came next in the seasonal cycle, "Just need hops or barely, some sort of grain to ferment. Or honey or grapes or something for mead or wine. You can even use potatoes and make bad potato vodka," he'd read that in a book once. "Sorry. Rambling. I just can't picture you as a scotch man though. Maybe brandy?"
Kenneth laughed softly, "Whiskey? I could do with a beer, but no, I'm a scotch man. You think it's a sissy drink? At least I don't drink martinis." It was funny how just that had helped lift the black mood that was threatening to descend on Kenneth. "What do you drink," he asked, glancing at Bazzer again. He had to admit a growing fondness for the man's company despite his bodies apparent betrayal in finding him attractive as well. "And...who are you bunking with tonight? I think it'll get too cold for solo sleeping." There was a very brief consideration that he ask Bazzer to keep watch with him, but who would choose to sleep up here on the hard rock.
"Beer usually," he shrugged, "I'm not picky. Usually just got whatever was on tap," which was always Budweiser or Miller or whatever. "Maybe a Corona if I was feeling adventurous or something," Bazzer had truly led a boring life. Then again, he had shunned things like pool parties because of his tattoo or had worn pants and a shirt and didn't swim. "I can't see you drinking martini's!" he laughed at the mental image. "Gibson. Kenneth Gibson. I want my martini stirred, not shaken," he did a voice that was a very bad Bond imitation. "Doesn't have the right ring to it," definitely not.
He paused when Kenneth asked where he was bunking, "I...don't know. Hadn't thought about it really," he hadn't been bunking with anyone and had no plans to, "I...was going to sleep alone. Like always," except for a few nights with Thorne, Bazzer had always slept alone. It was one of the things he hated most about the night and always had.
Laughing again, Kenneth seemed to relax again. Really, if you could make him laugh, it was good, although getting Kenneth to laugh was not the easiest task in the world. "I'd offer, but it's bare rock and the lean to up here is a bit of a snug fit." Of course there was the whole naked thing which Kenneth was doing his best to ignore. If they both slept in the lean-to it was going to be right up against each other and Ken wasn't entirely sure how his body was going to react to that. Which, would be mortifying really. Kenneth knew that Bazzer was at the very least bi, but still. It was awkward for Kenneth, especially the completely uncontrollable near panic attacks at the thought of being caught, despite the fact he knew very well that there was no one here to turn him in.
"No one else is offering," Bazzer replied quietly. He didn't have his own blanket either, he'd been sleeping in a hammock in the trees and now he had nothing. He hadn't complained, there was no point, it wouldn't change anything. His skins weren't ready and they didn't have cloth or anything like that yet. There was so much they needed and so little that they had. "I'll go find something," he muttered, getting up again. He'd thought Kenneth had been offering at first and his heart had jumped in his chest. He knew nothing would happen, he knew it wasn't like that, but it was still something to Bazzer. Maybe he was just clinging to shadows and dreams, but still. It was all he had.
In his head, Kenneth knew he should let Bazzer go because really, despite what his body wanted, Kenneth was well aware of how fucked up his head was over anything involving another man. It was better for Bazzer to go than to get his hopes up. It wasn't like Kenneth couldn't tell how Bazzer felt about him, the boy wasn't entirely subtle, but acting on it? Just entertaining the idea was enough to make him break out in a nervous sweat. Then again, Bazzer didn't have any blankets or anywhere else to go to. At least not that Kenneth knew of and he was skulking about on patrol often enough that he was pretty aware of whose blankets were falling where. "It's up to you...the rock up here reflects heat pretty well though." It was, sadly, the best Kenneth could do.
Pursing his lips, Bazzer actually had to think about it now. It was one thing to think the invite was coming, then for it not to come. That was normal, but...for it to happen? Now he didn't know what to do exactly. "Um...okay," he was elated, but his fears of upsetting the older man overshadowed his excitement. He didn't want to ruin a friendship. It was much more important to him to be friends with Kenneth than to try to pursue something impossible. "You were in the water. Don't want to get sick," he finally said, moving to slide in fully clothed. His movements were choppy though and he giggled nervously. It was not one of his finer moments. He liked to think he'd be suave and cool in a situation like this, but the reality was the exact opposite.
Bazzer might have been fully clothed, but Kenneth was not wearing a stitch of clothing and Bazzer's body was flush against his because the sleeping bag wasn't that large. Kenneth tried to think of it as just sharing body heat, but the fact was, he was naked with Bazzer pushed up against him. Kenneth blinked, wide eyed at Bazzer in an expression that likely would have been comical at any other time, except for the fact that Kenneth looked absolutely terrified. And, what was he supposed to do with his arms? Kenneth did have to admit that it was warmer at least. "I...uh. No. No, sick is bad." He blinked again.
If Bazzer had known that Kenneth was naked under the sleeping bag he might not have been quite so enthusiastic about joining him. He knew he probably should have been excited, after all, here was Kenneth naked but at the same time...no. Just...no. It was Kenneth naked. He forced his libido down. He very firmly decided not to mention the nakedness, though perhaps firmly was not the best adverb to use. "I know...I...." Bazzer began in a whisper then cleared his throat to try again, "I can go, if you're uncomfortable," he didn't mention that he was as well given Kenneth's state of undress. His hands were currently balled up into fists very consciously not touching any part of Kenneth.
"I..no, it's uh. Just let me get my boxers on." It wasn't much but they were thin and mostly dry and at least it wouldn't be quite so awkward. Moving easily, he got out, grabbed the boxers and put them on before he got back into the sleeping bag. Just getting out for that long left him shivering, which..well, at least he didn't have to worry about erections or anything that would make t his even more uncomfortable for both of them. Thankfully, he wasn't exactly a teenager any longer and had quite a bit more control over those things. Of course, being so cold also made him far less resistant to the idea of getting close to Bazzer as he pressed up against the other man, teeth chattering.
When Kenneth slid out of the sleeping bag, Bazzer closed his eyes, not wanting to see the man naked. It wasn't that he hadn't seen him before, it was that he did not want his body to betray him and make things even more uncomfortable in the sleeping bag. When he came back shivering, Bazzer unconsciously wrapped his arms around the older man and pulled him close. It wasn't sexual at all, but for warmth. He had been serious about not getting sick. He had to admit too that now that Kenneth had something on it made him feel better too. "You know my...preferences," Bazzer muttered quietly, his body tense, "I just want to...reassure you that I won't....I mean...your virtue is safe," it was meant as a joke, but the serious tone in his voice made it anything but.
It was just for warmth, Kenneth reminded himself as he tucked Bazzer's head under his chin and wrapped one arm around him as well. It might have just been for warmth, but even Kenneth couldn't lie to himself about how good it felt. He was a tactile man, despite contrary popular opinion, but it was hard to get close to people here, especially other men. Especially Bazzer. "I know. It's. I'm not worried." There was the fact that he could pretty handily kick Bazzer's ass if he tried something Kenneth didn't want, but it was more than that. "It's. I can't talk about it." He pressed his cheek harder against the top of Bazzer's head and hoped he understood. Kenneth was truly trying, but the words just stuck in his throat behind a knot of anxiety.
"Can't?" Bazzer questioned automatically without thinking. Can't meant 'cannot' not 'will not.' Interesting. "Um..." he tried to think this through a little better...oh. The light bulb went off over his head and he took his glasses off to rub the bridge of his nose then instead of putting them back on he folded the arms and set them a little ways away where he would hopefully be able to find them without breaking them. In the trees he had slept in his glasses, though he hated that. "I'm not asking, alright," he finally whispered, "And I'm not telling either," he leaned in, hands loosely rubbing Kenneth's back.
Kenneth was holding so much tension there, that if he hadn't been shivering, he'd have been shaking with the effort to just stay there. He'd fought wars, lead men into battle, lost lives, been taken prisoner and none of it had made him want to run quite as badly as the words he was trying to force out. Living locked in a closet, granted one of his own choosing for the vast majority of one's life made opening the door terrifying. "I know," he whispered, "and that's..what." He paused and bit his lip, "Just. I...I wouldn't say no," he finally managed to stutter out in a manner that was most unlike him.
If it were possible to Bazzer's heart to beat any faster it would. Kenneth was bi!!! The world was a happy place for Bazzer this exact moment! And no one was dead! He wanted to get up and do a happy dance, but he didn't. He stayed laying there quietly, barely moving, but it was a struggle. He felt like he was almost vibrating with excitement. "You wouldn't say no to this." he asked, kissing Kenneth on the cheek lightly. They were both stubbly. Even after nearly a month here, Bazzer only had a few wispy hairs on his face. He never shaved at home with any regularity. Kenneth had much more stubble, but Bazzer didn't mind. It was scratchy, like Kenneth. It fit him. Old marines were always marines.
He wanted to say no, but his body stiffened in surprise. Kenneth was using to being so intimidating that people didn't think to approach him. That said, he exhaled a breath of relief that Bazzer had understood the things he couldn't get out. He swallowed audibly and shook his head once. It was still hard, and the urge to run was even more intense, but Kenneth locked that down, after all, he was used to standing firm in the face of fear. His hand tightened on Bazzer's waist. "No...I wouldn't."
"That might be considered dismissive..." Bazzer began, still keeping very still, but his unseeing eyes were twinkling with delight. This close to each other, it didn't matter that he couldn't see Kenneth, the dark rendering him blinder than he would be without his glasses normally. Somehow, without being able to see, it made this more intimate than it otherwise might be and it took all of Bazzer's self control not to do something he would not regret. "Maybe this instead," he pressed his closed lips against Kenneth's tenderly, not pushing the intensity of the kiss or deepening it to something more. This was not a precursor of things to to come, not unless Kenneth made a move, but Bazzer sighed happily. This was more than he had ever dreamed. "Though that might be presumptuous."
The second kiss wasn't a surprise, Kenneth had been able to see it coming in Bazzer's gaze and in his touch and despite the rapidly snowballing anxiety, Kenneth was ready. Hadn't he wanted this his whole life? Well, at least since puberty. Wanted it and denied himself for all of his adult life. Kenneth pushed the panic down just like he would have prior to an operation and curled his hand around the back of Bazzer's neck. His eyes sparked as he leaned into the kiss and licked at Bazzer's lips lightly, far more tentatively than he normally would have been.
It was hard not to whoop with joy, to make some sort of reaction to Kenneth's response. It was more than he had expected. Pulling his mouth away just slightly, Bazzer didn't release Kenneth from his arms at all, "You okay?" he asked, concerned. He didn't want to hurt their friendship. And more than that, he didn't want to hurt his friend, "I'm sorry...I just...I can stop," he knew Kenneth hadn't said no, but it still felt wrong somehow. He would stop. "Are you feeling warmer anyways? Sleep well, Kenneth," it was all he could do not to roll over so that they were spooning. He wasn't going to leave that sleeping bag though. Not now. Not unless Kenneth kicked him out.
Kenneth blinked a few times then nodded as he licked his lips. "I'm yeah. I'm okay." He relaxed the hold he had on Bazzer and nodded slowly, exhaling softly. "Tiger...this is. It's going to be hard and I'm going to have to ask you to be...really, really patient with me. I. Have to ask you to not say anything to anyone yet. And...let me process this and come to terms with everything. The military has had thirty two years to brainwash me on this matter." It was the closest Kenneth could come to admitting he wanted this, wanted Bazzer.
He nodded, surprised that Kenneth wasn't mad. He hadn't thought he would be, but knowing it was still a surprise. "I can wait," he said simply, "If you're not happy...if you don't want it...then we're friends. Nothing more. I...never expected this much honestly," maybe Bazzer was quick to negate what had happened, to forget it ever did, but it was his way of protecting himself right now, "I don't need to shout from the rooftops or...or anything," be was babbling again, the words all pouring out of his mouth in a jumble, "I'd like to, but no roofs here, right? And anyways...I'm not asking for anything. Really. Just whatever you want. What you can give," he hadn't broadcast his relationship with Thorne either, though that had been very short too. Nor had he gone snarking about their fight. Everyone had known he was pissed, and until tonight he had been avoiding Thorne and Ryan as best he could, but at the same time, he hadn't overtly said anything either.
Pressing his finger gently against Bazzer's lips, "Shh. Sometimes, you talk too much. I trust you...you wouldn't be here if I didn't. It's just. This is a lot for me." Kenneth swallowed again and bit his lip. He kissed Bazzer's forehead gently then his temple before he all but crushed the other man to his chest, holding him tightly. It wouldn't have surprised him if Bazzer had been upset by his request, but he was relieved he wasn't. There was still a part of Kenneth's brain that was stuck in the idea that he would be caught. He would be caught and lose everything he'd spent his entire life working for. It took a forcible reminder that he was not even on Earth and that there were no MP's here, no CO's that might suddenly appear, no way for anyone here to get a message back to any of the above. "Sleep, Tiger." Kennth was fairly sure that he wasn't going to, not with the way his head was spinning.
"Don't call me that," he protested as he was crushed in a vice-like hug. He hadn't minded the nickname before but now it bothered him for some reason he couldn't explain. "M'name's Bazzer," as he said that he figured it out. Kenneth never called anyone by their names, they were all nicknames. Not anymore. "Sebastian if you have to. Or Seb or Bastian....I don't know. Not Tiger," he was very firm on this point. Kissing Kenneth's bare shoulder, Bazzer could taste the minerals from the water on him. He smelled good. Not clean really, none of them were, but there was a distinctly musky scent that was not bad. Rolling over so that they were spooning, Bazzer poked Kenneth's feet with his own, "You sleep too. You're tired," it was also a statement rather than a question. "I'll be here in the morning."
"I don't call people by name," Kenneth admitted softly against Bazzer's ear, one arm around his waist. "If you don't want to be Tiger, I'll come up with something else, but...I don't do names." There was a reason for that, but he wasn't going to get into it right now, or likely ever. "I'm going hunting in the morning, so if I'm not here, that's where I went and I don't need you to tell me to sleep," he murmured, poking Bazzer lightly in the ribs. "I don't take well to being mothered." His voice was low against Bazzer's ear and he was carefully keeping his hips back so they weren't snug against Bazzer's ass. Kenneth had to admit it was pretty damn comfortable, even on the hard rock.
Bazzer snorted, "That's a good thing Ken, because I'm lacking the equipment and age to be your mother, but if you can tell me to sleep I can tell you too," the name thing now bothered him, but he wouldn't say anything more on it now. If Kenneth wouldn't use his name though, he would just call him Ken or come up with a nickname too. Bazzer wasn't the best with thinking them up though, Bazzer had come out of his toddler's inability to say 'Sebatastian.' He'd said 'Baztan' instead which somehow morphed into Bazzer. It was his name though and he liked it. "And don't say you're old enough to be my father because that's just gross."
"Don't sass your elders," he whispered warmly. His fingers splayed over Bazzer's stomach, which was hard and flat under his hand. He'd lost weight, they all had. He fell silent for a moment, exhaling slowly, "Thank you. For this...I'll understand if it gets too hard to deal with. Just let me know okay?" Kenneth knew that patience was not one of Bazzer's greater gifts, but if if he was willing to put up with Kenneth while he worked this all out? Well, that would be something special. "I'm not bringing your father into this, not with what he did to you, but you can't just ignore the age difference here either." The end of that sentence needed a Tiger, dammit. He was going to have to find something else.
Patience wasn't one of Bazzer's gifts, but tenacity was. He had proven several times that he took great pride in doing what supposedly couldn't be done if he regarded it as a challenge or if he wanted it enough. And he did want Kenneth. More than Thorne even, because he knew that Kenneth might leave him for someone else or for some other reason, but he wouldn't cheat and go behind his back. Bazzer trusted himimplicitly . "Why not?" he asked reasonably, regarding the age difference, "We're both consenting adults. And really, we're not doing anything anyways," except sharing a sleeping bag and a very little kissing. There were no laws here on Wonderland about sodomy or homosexuality or anything else either. "You're not exactly some old saggy geezer your know," he reached around to pat the first thing he could reach, which happened to be part of Kenneth's thigh. It was hard and muscular like the rest of him.
"Because it makes a difference. Trust me, I know that one." Kenneth tried not to think about any of his ex wives, not when he was sharing a bed with a man. A very beautiful, very intelligent man who was two decades younger. Kenneth closed his eyes and let his breathing even out. The fire was heating his head and the sleeping bag with Bazzer's body heat added was warm enough that Kenneth was relaxing. He felt Bazzer relaxing against him and almost woke the man by laughing as Bazzer started to snore softly. Well, he'd slept through worse. Kenneth held Bazzer against him and started letting his mind untangle the knot of it was in.