Sebastian "Bazzer" Vedder (winged_bazzer) wrote in thefield, @ 2009-03-23 19:00:00 |
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Current mood: | depressed |
Entry tags: | bazzer, thorne, z - 1st tribe - day 12 |
Hell hath no fury...
Who: Bazzer & Thorne
Where: the tanning pit
When: Day 12
What: Thorne goes to talk to Bazzer about him and Ryan. Bazzer does not take things as well as he could, nor as badly as he wants to.
The fire cackled merrily as Bazzer worked trying to boil the laugher skin in its own juices above the fire. Every few minutes he checked it and stirred it, making sure the entire thing was submerged. He wasn't sure he was doing this right, but he was trying. He'd work it out and hopefully someone would bring him back some more skins to experiment on. Part of the problem was the time factor. He just didn't know how much time it should take to do this. He'd had the skin boiling in the liquid for a while now though. Soon he'd take it out and see what happened.
Spying Thorne, he waved. Thorne tended to be a little of everywhere as an herbalist working with Rowan and as a doctor. That was good though, usually. "Hey!" he called cheerfully, hoping that maybe the other man was bringing meat or something to be cooked. Bazzer wasn't much of a cook, but he could burn the meat just fine. It was edible if nothing else. "Have time to stop for a minute?" he asked, once Thorne got closer. Climbing to his feet, Bazzer picked up the stick he was using to stir with and poked the fires first then stirred the pot.
Thorne walked over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Sure. Been checking in on everyone. Feels like we've been gone for ages you know? Instead of a few days. Darn glad we got that meat and we've got it smoking to preserve it." He wrapped his arms around Bazzer, grateful for the use of the soap stuff that Helena had found. He felt a good deal cleaner, even if he did still feel like he had blood all over him. Just a left over from the butchering of the grazer. "How're you doing? And..how's the leather making going?"
Tanning leather was not a pretty job. Bazzer was, as usual, stinking to high heaven. He had learned quickly why tanneries were usually on the outskirts of town. He bathed each evening using the soap pods, but still. Stinky business. "It's going," he shrugged, "Won't know how well for a while. Depends on how strong the leather is and how pliable and if it stands the test of time. We shall see," but he was trying. "I stink," though that was obvious, "Any new patients? Or discoveries?"
"Fortunately no new patients," Thorne admitted, "and yes you do, but I find it's not that bad." Well, it could defintely be worse at any rate and if they could get leather to use for clothes and shelter, it would be worth it. "Besides, we need what you're making here." Thorne sat down and pulled out a bunch of grasses from the pouch he almost always carried and started plaiting them as they talked. "How are you doing? Managing okay? Never mind. I just asked that." Thorne exhaled slowly and looked up at Bazzer. "So..there's something I need to talk to you about."
Talk to him about? That didn't sound good. With a glance at the boiling skins, Bazzer sat down with Thorne. "Talk to me about what?" Thorne had been gone for a few days with Kenneth, Alex and Jasper. Did something happen? Bazzer had horrible thoughts that he had hooked up with someone while they were gone before his mind settled and he realized, Alex was a priest, Jasper was a girl and Kenneth...was Kenneth. Not for Thorne. That meant...what then?
Thorne wrapped an arm around Bazzer's shoulders for a moment and dropped a kiss onto his shoulder. "Remember I told you that if I got the urge to go kissing anyone else, I would? Well, I am having that urge. With Ryan. I just wanted to let you know." He let his arm slide down Bazzer's back before he went back to making cord that could eventually be made into rope. "Not that I don't still find you hella hot. I totally do. I just think he is too." Thorne tensed up a little as he waited for Bazzer's reaction, having no clue what it might be.
"Um. Oh," on the one hand, he was sort of relieved, it left him free to pursue Kenneth possibly. On the other this created a lot of problems because he had no idea if Kenneth was even into him or not. Or guys at all. "Ryan?" he questioned, surprised. That...he hadn't expected. He wasn't sure what exactly he had expected, but that wasn't it. "Urge...so you did then?" he asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer. "Kiss him, I mean. Because you wouldn't say something if you hadn't already done it."
"I did...but I stopped before it got more than a kiss because I told him I needed to talk to you first." Thorne sighed softly, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed him at all until I'd talked to you, but kinda got a bit caught in the moment. I totally stopped it though and told him I needed to talk to you because...I. Well, I don't want to hurt you Baz. You're a great guy and I really enjoy being with you. I"m just...not good at limitations."
"I don't get how this is a limitation!" he said, louder than he meant to. That Thorne had already kissed Ryan pissed him off. It shouldn't have, he told himself, but it did. "I'm not saying we have to go pick out china together," he snorted at the absurdity of that in their present situation, "but shit...there's 20 of us and you're steadily working your way through them. Who's next? Arlo?" that wasn't fair, and he knew it. But he was pissed and right now, he didn't much care.
Thorne hadn't quite expected that kind of outburst and shrank away from Bazzer. He should have known better. Should have told Bazzer it wouldn't work as soon as he found out the man was a dyed in the wool monogamist. Thorne stuffed his grass into his pouch and stood up. "Maybe it will be. After all, I'm just a whore right. Think whatever you want, Baz. I warned you about this and I told you flat out that I didn't do monogamy and that I didn't understand it and if you chose to ignore that honesty and believe that I was lying instead of taking me at my word for what and who I am? I'm sorry." Tears stung his eyes as Thorne turned away. No, it wasn't the first time someone had thought they'd be able to teach him the "evil" of his ways, but it never stopped hurting. "I'm sorry," he said again and started walking away.
"Sorry," Bazzer muttered, then looked up at Thorne, "Sorry," he repeated more clearly. "You're not a whore and...ugh," he laid back on the grass. "Sorry. I just never really thought...that there would be someone else here. That it might even come up," pushing his glasses off his face, he rubbed his face with his hands not caring how dirty he was, "Just ignore the crazy guy. That's what I am," oh, they made a great pair. Definitely. "Fuck."
Thorne sighed softly and turned around. "You are not crazy. You're...perfectly normal. What you want is what the vast majority of people want." He raked his hair back. "It's just..not what I want. You aren't the odd one here. I am." Any hope Thorne might have had about being able to keep his relationship with Bazzer vanished with an odd pain. It wasn't that he didn't like Bazzer, he did. He was totally attracted to him, he just. Being with just one person wasn't him.
"So now what?" Bazzer asked, though it was a rhetorical question. "Not calling you a whore Thorne, but seriously. Okay, so we don't work. And you go to Ryan and...then what? I mean, there aren't an infinite number of people here and some are girls and some don't like guys. You end up monogamous due to lack of people. Or do you break up with Ryan and come back to me?" he wasn't trying to call Thorne a whore, but this was a legitimate line of reasoning in their situation, "It's not like home where you never see me again. Or there's a virtually unending pool of partners or whatever. I mean, you eventually end up monogamous here simply due to small sample size," but if Thorne went with Ryan, where did that leave Bazzer? Thorne ended up monogamous and Bazzer ended up alone. It didn't seem fair. Or right.
"That's the problem. It's not that we don't work. It's just that I can't be what you want. I could try, but we'll both just end up miserable. I've tried to change who I am for people before and it doesn't work." He paused and gave Bazzer an odd look, "And..I like girls. I just tend to prefer guys. If it doesn't work with Ryan, it doesn't work and I get to be good friends with my hand. I mean, if I had my way, I'd see you both, but I don't really see you being able to deal with that, you know?"
Sitting up, Bazzer shook his head, "No, I don't think I can. I can try...but...I don't think so," he wished it were otherwise. He wasn't going to apologize for wanting a monogamous relationship, for wanting someone stable in his life in some sort of long time capacity. "I'm not asking for the rest of your life. Just...I don't know. More than a night. I know, you can't do it," even if it was a year or something. That was obviously too much for Thorne though. He tried very hard not to pout.
Thorne sat back down next to him. "Bazzer...you're a wonderful guy and I'm really glad that you know what you want. That's a really good thing to be able to be honest with yourself about. But, I can't ask you to be something for me that you aren't and I'd rather you not ask me to be something I'm not for you. I think you're fantastic and in a different situation..it might have worked, but in this one? Well..maybe we can just settle on being friends?"
"I don't think fighting would be a good idea," not with everyone relying on everyone else for survival. The group was too small for fights like this. "Not for the whole. So...I suppose. Yes. Friends. Never been friends with someone I dated...or fooled around with," granted, they hadn't had sex, but they had done other things. Things that had been pleasurable. Things that Bazzer had never done with a man. He had to admit, he did like it. A lot.
Thorne relaxed a little and even though he knew it was probably pushing it, he hugged Bazzer tightly. "I have. It'll be a little awkward at first." He let go and sat back. "And sometimes it'll be a little difficult, but if you care about someone..it's worth it. And I do care about you."
Bazzer accepted the hug stiffly, not unwillingly, but close enough. "I think you should go now," he said, standing and going to tend to the skins. As far as he was concerned, this discussion was finished. Just like they were. And they hadn't even really begun, which was the worst part. Even in the middle of some other random planet struggling to survive, he was still alone. He still couldn't connect with another person. Figured.