HawkEd
Listen, Ed. Maybe this is just Cap rubbing off on me or whatever, but you can't kick yourself for that now. Nobody deals with death in any kind of rational way and, sure, maybe you messed up in your eyes, but your brother trusted you with good reason I'm sure. If you don't think he'd think it was your fault, then why are you blaming yourself?
Just think about that. If it's a mistake you can't fix now, or here, it's not one worth passing up whatever chance you can get at a good life. I know that might seem selfish but...we all make mistakes. The trick is to not let them do more damage than they do in the moment they happen.
Let me know what subjects you need with and I'll see if I can find someone to tutor you.
And Ed? Do something nice for yourself sometime soon okay?