Rikki Barnes aka Nomad (nomaderwhat) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2015-04-16 23:28:00 |
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While Rikki never pretended to understand the will of the tesseract and the comings and goings of people had become more commonplace, this week had been almost unprecedented. Granted she had been here long enough to know that it happened. Mass disappearances were uncommon yes but they weren’t unheard of, even involving people who had been around for so long. Still in the space of a week Rikki had lost almost her entire family. She had gained back Steve and now Gramps was back but it didn’t feel like enough in that moment. And now it was Anakin’s turn. None of Anakin’s family had disappeared before. Jacen Solo was already a difficult subject and had been since his arrival. The brothers didn’t see eye to eye and his brother’s fall into becoming a Sith Lord after his death was something Anakin struggled with. Rikki had wanted to be supportive and she knew how much Anakins’ family meant to him. Still, knowing Jacen’s past, she couldn’t deny the fact that a small part of her was relieved. That part was immediately pushed aside as she knew just how much pain Anakin had to be in no matter what her own opinion of Jacen Solo was. Tracking down Anakin was not exactly difficult. He wasn’t with her, he wasn’t with his family, and unlike her he wasn’t about to go out and do something stupid in the streets of the city. So eventually she found him on the roof. For a moment she stood back, watching him while her heart broke. He had been there for her through all of this. And now, unfortunately, it was his turn. “Hey.” she called out as she walked over towards him. Gently she wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling his back against her chest as she pressed a kiss to his shoulder. She was here, he wasn’t alone, and she wasn’t going to leave him. They had each other for as long as this world would let them be together. Anakin didn't say anything as Rikki's arms wrapped around her. They were so familiar now, and instead he only pulled his over hers, wrapping his fingers around her hand and linking them together so that if the tesseract even wanted to take them apart right now, it would have to work to do it. Truthfully it had been inevitable that this moment would come. Despite all the complications, despite everything that had been brought with the different timelines and the knowledge of the future, Anakin couldn't help but feel as if his life here had been somewhat charmed. He wouldn't have believed it at first, but no war, no Yuuzhan Vong, his sister, his parents - who were younger but together - friends, a purpose with the Young Allies, his sister showing up, his grandparents, his Aunt and Uncle, and yes even Jacen with the pain all the knowledge of Jacen's future choices had caused had been part of that. Because facing it head on, trying to learn how to befriend his brother again, and come to some understanding, perhaps even learning how to live forgiveness -- it had been a good thing and Anakin couldn't doubt that. He knew that Jaina was hurting. They both knew what Jacen was returning to. And Anakin knew that Jaina felt responsibility for it. Hell, he felt responsibility for it and there was literally nothing he could have done. He'd given up his life to give Jaina and Jacen and the other Jedi the chance to bring light into the galaxy. He'd done everything that he could there. He knew he should have gone over to see her, but the only thing he'd been able to do was run away. His eyes felt hot and full and he stared out across the city. Maybe it had just been closing the circle: it was where he'd run when he'd found out Jacen was here, when he'd warned Rikki to not have anything to do with him, when he'd been so angry at everything he knew his brother had become. And now he was here again, but there was no anger, just hurt. "Hey," he said finally, turning his head so he could lean his forehead against hers. His voice felt rusty, as if from disuse. He closed his eyes and breathed out and then back in, centering himself with the breath, aware of the roof underneath him, Rikki's arms wrapped around him, the air and the life in the city itself. Rikki had no idea what to tell him. There was no saying it was going to be all right. Jacen wasn’t like Anya, who was going back to a full life. Instead he was going back to die. Granted that death was after he nearly destroyed a galaxy but that was not something that mattered right now. What mattered was the man in her arms right now who had lost part of his family and had to face the reality that any of them could disappear at any moment. It was not a realization she wanted him to ever go through. Whenever someone disappeared it was always that reminder that when one of them would go back through, and one of them would, they were both going to their own deaths. Every moment here was borrowed time that neither of them should have. Some moments that became a bit too much to handle. Her arms tightened just a bit more, reminding herself again that Anakin was here. “Anakin.” The silence was broken gently, her eyes flickering up to meet his. She knew what he was doing, trying to keep everything together. Sometimes that didn’t actually help though. Not that she completely understood the Jedi and their need for constant control, but sometimes emotions needed to be let out in some way. “You don’t have to be strong right now, okay?” A fact Anakin was certainly grateful for. He didn't feel particularly strong in the moment - just terrified. Like being in the middle of a frozen lake and watching cracks form across the surface, and it was only a matter of time. They both knew it. He was seventeen years old, but he would be returned home to die. She was eighteen, but her fate was the same. In this absolutely unexpected crazy world, they'd found and were building something amazing, but it could be torn apart with a flash of blue light in an instant: Even this instant. He squeezed her hand momentarily, a reminder that she was here. It was one thing to sit and think to himself that his Aunt had been here for over two years, but that started crumbling apart when his brother - who had been here for less time than he had - disappeared. It was one thing to believe that he'd have years when people just kept arriving and staying and relationships kept being built. It was another to believe it when they started disappearing. For the moment he didn't know what to say. If he only had a week, or a month, or a year - what would he want to have done in that time? It wasn't a question he'd considered much at home. The war, the Jedi Order, those things had all come first. But here he wasn't in a war-zone, not really. Here there was space to focus on smaller problems, on relationships, on learning and growing -- but what was the point if there was no one left to remember? Finally he settled on the one thing he could think of that he knew for certain: "I love you, Rikki Barnes." “I love you too.” Her reply was an instant reaction, as natural as saying hello back to someone. Rikki had never felt like this for another person and it was overwhelming how quickly Anakin Solo had become as necessary as he had to her. With Anya gone he was her best friend, the person she felt she could turn to about anything. Steve was here now, but Steve would always be that father figure that she had always wanted. Anakin on the other hand was an equal, a partner. Rikki pulled back for a moment, guiding him to turn around before pulling Anakin back into her arms, wrapping them around tight. He could stare out at the city but they both knew it wouldn’t actually give them any answers. Right now she could be that strong pillar of support for him, like he had done for her the past few days. “I promised not to let you do anything too stupid.” Rikki pointed out gently as she ran a hand up his back. “But we can be flexible on what counts as too stupid.” "What would I do without you?" he murmured softly. Anakin turned and easily wrapped his arms around her and a smile crossed his lips despite himself. It was a question he'd asked more times than he cared to have done in the past week, because with every departure since Anya's - every announcement had been a reminder that he could have to figure it out. He breathed in and answered his own question: "Probably something stupid." He didn't want to have to figure it out. He didn't want to sit in an empty room they'd laughed and lived and loved in. He didn't want to be left behind, but he didn't want her to be left behind either. What he wanted was impossible to guarantee, so he just had to have faith they would get something. That they would have time, that they would have the opportunity to keep building this relationship, this partnership really, that he'd come to value in his time here. He pulled back enough so that he could look at her face. So that his eyes met hers for a long moment of silence. She was a rock and he knew that it was deceptive, that it could be pulled out from under him, but wasn't life that way? One moment you were making a simple supply run as a favor to an old friend of your father's, and the next a moon was being pulled into the planet and you were lucky to escape with your life - and not everyone on the planet, including your father's best friend - had been so lucky. This wasn't any different than home in that regard, not really. Perhaps the only thing it had taught him more consistently, was just how much more certain that end was. It was one thing at seventeen to know intellectually that you could die. It was another thing entirely to know that you did. He could hear himself spouting off to Corran Horn - everyone gets a nasty surprise someday I'd rather get it standing up than sitting down. Anakin could be reckless, rushing head-long into something, but it wasn't frequently that he surprised himself. His next words did. Not because he didn't mean them, but because he hadn't intended to say them right then without a ring, or a romantic dinner, or some sort of effort, or until he was eighteen at the very least: "Marry me." It took a moment before Rikki was really entirely certain what she had just heard. Looking back at Anakin Rikki couldn’t hold back the pure moment of confusion as to what had just happened. They were on the roof, they had both just lost a lot of people in the past few days, they had been hugging, she had gotten him to smile. All of those were things that had happened. And somehow when he looked up at her it had changed and Anakin had said something that she was still not entirely sure was actually what he had said. “W-what?” her voice stumbled slightly as her head cocked to the side and looked at him. There was nothing wrong with her hearing but something had to have been. If there wasn’t Anakin had just asked her to marry him. Which maybe it was just some overblown romantic declaration, something like when he insisted that he needed to take her to a fancy restaurant or that they needed to go dancing. Of course Anakin had turned around and made all those things happen, which didn’t really help with her whole theory that this was just something that wasn’t really real. He couldn’t really be asking her to marry him though. “I, Anakin I know you’re upset.” Rikki started gently as she reached for his hands to take them in hers. Anakin let her take his hands and he squeezed hers back. He hadn't entirely intended to say it, but he found he didn't regret having asked the question. Not yet - maybe he would be made to change his mind on that front if she really protested this, but he didn't think so. Truthfully, it almost felt freeing. They'd talked around things for months, having conversations about almost futures, and if they stayed, and steps, big steps, maybe too big of a step - and Anakin knew on some level that they weren't bad conversations to have, but he also knew how he felt. "This isn't about that," he said. "I mean it is, a bit, because I keep watching people being taken back and thinking, they've had more time than I have, they've had less time than I have - it turns out it doesn't matter whether it's less time or more, every person that goes back is a reminder that what we have, right here, right now, is special and that it won't last forever. "I know we're young. I know that it's a big decision. I also know that whether we have five weeks here or five years here, I can't imagine spending it with anyone but you." He stopped and looked at her and as he looked at her face he realized this might have been the craziest thing he had ever done, and he had done some crazy things. They were really young. Was he stupid to think that if they ended up with twenty years here that they would still want to be together? He didn't think so. He also knew that every single person in their lives would probably ask the question and might think so. Anakin took a deep breath in and glanced down at their hands. He loved Rikki's hands. There were a lot of things he loved about Rikki Barnes, but her hands were capable and caring and she used them to make this world a better place as if it were her own world. She'd reached out and touched him and grounded him and gave him the same hope of doing something a little bit here and there to make the world a slightly better place. "There's a Jedi saying, 'to love is to trust. To trust is to believe.' I love you. I believe we make each other better people. And I believe that whatever happens we'll have the chance to keep doing so. I'm asking because I believe that," he looked up to find her eyes. "I'm asking because I want to know you believe it too." This entire week Rikki had spent lost. The world that she had built so carefully around herself, some semblance of a life that almost felt like the one she used to have before Onslaught, before multiple universes, it had all begun to shatter around her. And the person who had immediately been there to pick up what few pieces there were had been Anakin Solo. There was no denying that Steve Rogers had been close behind him, but Anakin was always there before she even seemed to feel like she needed him, before her mind could even process that she could want something other than the numbness of shock. And when that same feeling lit up behind Anakin’s eyes, she knew exactly where she needed to be and it was by his side. Rikki wanted a lot of things out of life. She wanted to help the world, she wanted to leave it a better place than she had been brought into it, she wanted to make Steve Rogers and her family proud of her in how she helped others. And outside of all that she wanted to be with a boy who was so painfully annoying at times but that she wasn’t sure she could live without now. “I just promised Jaina I wouldn’t let you do something stupid.” she laughed quickly, looking away from the intensity of his eyes to try and gather her thoughts. Because when she looked back she couldn’t think. Anakin gave her a look so intent that it seemed to reach inside and grab her, pulling her towards whatever it was that he wanted. There were moments when Rikki was almost certain she would move the world just to make Anakin happy, that she could take on an army to keep him safe. That feeling was never exactly the best when it came to thinking her actions through though. Anakin wasn’t wrong, she really couldn’t find a reason to argue that didn’t sound trivial, that didn’t sound like she was pushing him away. But it wasn’t that. Rikki would do anything for Anakin, but she also knew that this was not a conversation they would be having if his world wasn’t crumbling around him. So her eyes flickered up to him, taking in each detail of his face and knowing that behind this bold declaration there was a man who just needed to know that there was something that wasn’t going to just disappear. Letting go of his hands, she reached up and cupped his face, cradling it gently as she looked back at him. “I believe that we’re stronger together than we are apart.” she started gently, a small, quick breath to try and ground herself. “And I also believe that you’re hurting right now, and that you don’t want to talk about it, you don’t want to think about it, so instead you’re asking me this.” Anakin didn't move. It wasn't exactly a yes. It also wasn't exactly a no. He wasn't entirely certain what it was. There was part of him that recognized truth to her words. Had he not just lost his brother, Rikki having lost her best friend, no matter how much he felt the truth behind these words - he hadn't intended to propose to her. There was another part of him that wanted to snap at her with frustration and a little hurt. After all, whatever the reason, he was truthfully only saying what he'd felt for weeks. Only fear of what Rikki might say, or certainty of what the adults in their lives might say had kept him from saying anything sooner. This week had just left him without any of those normal walls. As he stared at her, those concerns popped back into his mind. He had no idea what his parents would say. They'd been very lenient and permissive but this was something beyond. He had no idea what his Uncle would say. Or Steve. Because Steve was here now. The words 'too young' echoed in his mind. Everything was always 'too young'. He swallowed and breathed out, stepping back slightly and looking back out at the skyline. He shrugged, attempting for the casual edge his father had perfected, but the catch in his throat when he spoke likely gave him away. He ignored it. "So, on the scale of stupid ideas, where does this one fall?" He turned his head back to look at her. Rikki wasn’t exactly sure what to do now. It hadn’t exactly been a no that she gave him but in many ways it might as well have been. Except it wasn’t a no, not exactly. But Rikki wasn’t exactly sure how to tell him that it wasn’t a no. The truth of the matter was that Rikki just didn’t know. Right now she was in a lot of pain and she felt completely adrift. Something like getting married, having someone that was hers and being someone else’s, it was appealing in a way she had never actually considered. It was something that she was never going to have anywhere else, like her diploma. Who knew if there would ever be another chance, how long they would have here, and this week had just been another painful reminder that they really didn’t know. And if one of them did leave sure there might be the chance they could come back but everything would be gone, every memory, every emotion, it would be starting all over again. And that was only if they were lucky enough to come back. Reaching out Rikki took his hands again, offering him a small and awkward smile. “I mean, you weren’t offering to drive me to city hall. So it’s not the highest level of stupid possible.” Anakin looked down at their hands and for a moment he was silent, just staring at the way they fit together. It had always felt like they fit together perfectly. None of this had been planned, from his arrival, to meeting Rikki, to falling in love with this beautiful, maddeningly reasonable woman. And now he had proposed - which meant it was there. Not just as a joke or a possible someday thing. But as an actual question dangling between them. He rubbed his thumb across her hand. He couldn't find it in himself to regret the question despite this. He lifted his eyes to hers and met them. "I don't have a ring," he offered, giving her a small smile in return. "And as long as we have family here we'd want them to be there wouldn't we? So..." Anakin trailed off and after a moments silence he turned to face her once more, sliding his hands to her waist to pull her nearer. "You're right, Rikki. I am hurting. You are too," he pointed out evenly. "But you're wrong that I'm asking just because I don't want to talk about that. It is the question on my heart right now. It has been for weeks. Because despite all the reasons I have to not ask it's still there. Maybe I shouldn't have..." He took her hands and lifted them to his shoulders on the jacket she'd once grabbed the collar of to kiss him and gave her a lopsided grin. "I guess it's my turn to be rash and rush in. Are you going to make me wait three days for an answer?" “Do they even use rings in your galaxy?” Rikki laughed gently, shaking her head despite herself. Her cheeks flushed a little warm and she wasn’t exactly sure what she was supposed to be answering here. Dreaming about getting married had never really been something she had done but even in the moments where she had it always seemed like there was a perfect answer in that one moment. But there was no perfect answer here, Rikki had no idea what she wanted. Well that wasn’t entirely true. Anakin always seemed to push her in ways that she wasn’t used to. At first it was just annoying and now it was as natural as breathing. Her hands pressed gently against his chest as she looked back at him and that stupid smile. Just like it always did she wasn’t sure if it made her want to smack him or kiss him. Usually the kiss won out but right now he had her so confused that she didn’t know what she was going to do. “I love you.” Rikki started, her voice halting as she took a shaky breath and steadied herself. Her shoulders fell back, she pulled her head up straight, and she faced Anakin head on like she would any other challenge. Except she couldn’t solve Anakin by just hitting things. She had tried that approach already. “That’s not going to change. I don’t- I want to be with you. I don’t want to think about not having you. But I-” Her voice caught again and her eyes darted away for a moment before looking back at him. “Let me think about it?” Anakin kept his eyes on hers. It wasn't exactly the answer he'd hoped for. But it wasn't a no. And she loved him. And she wanted to be with him. And she was impossibly reasonable - they were both hurting and it was smart to give herself time. He lifted his hand to take one of hers in his and then to lift it to his lips for a kiss. "All right." He'd get her a ring, he decided. So he'd have one -- Just in case. He pulled his arms around her and pulled her close. "I feel the same. You can take the time, Rikki. I'm not going anywhere." Even if all these other people had. He fell silent for a moment listening to their breathing together. "Is it stupid to think what we did here, Jacen and I? The bridges we managed to put together? Is it stupid to think it might matter somehow somewhere?" His logical brain said it was. But the part of him that wondered if the Force hadn't pulled them all here for some reason - that part thought maybe it might. For the moment the question was put to rest. How she was going to solve it Rikki had no actual idea. This was the kind of situation she needed Anya for and the emptiness in her heart ached as she thought about the loss of her best friend. Anya was more than just a friend, she was the closest Rikki would ever get to a sister. And now they’d lost each other again. She didn’t even have Widow to turn to, who at least seemed a little better to turn to about boys than Steve would be. Right now though she let herself be pulled in close as her arms wrapped around Anakin’s neck easily. She might be completely confused but at least Anakin was still here, it didn’t seem that her need to think it over had caused him any more pain. Shaking her head, Rikki pressed her forehead against his. “No, it wasn’t stupid. He’s your brother, you love him. You gave up everything for him.” her voice went soft as she watched him. “And now instead of just some spectre of your galaxy’s future, you at least can sort of come to terms now with the man he grows up to be.” At least the last conversation they'd had hadn't been an argument. Anakin had found some common ground with Jacen at least and they'd managed some resemblance of understanding. He'd spent two days literally walking in his brother's shoes. It was difficult to not find something there. But it had been equally difficult to know what Jacen had been thinking. He'd been so closed off. Anakin didn't know what conclusions his brother might have come to in the meantime. Jaina had said he'd been Jacen again right before- "Kriff," he muttered and he lifted his head back. He'd just left his sister. And she probably had as much need as anyone. He hadn't known what to say, but Jacen had been returning to a place where Jaina and he would have been fighting. Anakin swallowed. "I need to go find Jaina." He offered as way of explanation. "I'm a terrible brother - I just didn't know how to... But she's going to need me." Finally there was something that Rikki could answer without feeling completely out of her depth. Leaning in, Rikki kissed his cheek gently before she pulled away. As her hand fell it sought out his, tangling their fingers together as she pulled him away from the roof’s edge and the wide expanse of the city. He wasn’t the only one hurting, that was true, but that didn’t make his pain any less worthy. But now he could focused on his sister and maybe take his mind off of ideas like marriage. “She’s with your Aunt Mara.” Rikki offered. “Let’s get you down there.” |