sam winchester (neversurrender) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2015-04-04 22:06:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, luke skywalker, sam winchester |
Who: Sam Winchester & Luke Skywalker
What: post-moving in drinks.
When: Oh, man. March 7th or 8th? So backdated like a month.
Where: Sam's new apartment in the tower.
Warnings: Sam is heartbroken, but... it gets less depressing as it goes on?
Well, it was official. The apartment that Sam and Veronica had shared was empty, completely cleaned out, the keys dropped off with the landlord-- who hadn’t been too pleased about him breaking the lease, but what did that really matter? Sam didn’t have any plans to move out of the tower again anytime soon. Who knew if he’d even be here long enough to get the chance.
His new apartment wasn’t entirely unpacked. He’d waved off offers of help with it, instead ordering food for those who had helped, and letting them hang around as long as they wanted. The standard tower furnishings suited them just fine for now, and the presence of friends made the apartment feel more homey than any of his material belongings being in their places could have. It wasn’t precisely where Sam wanted to be, but it was where he needed to be, under the circumstances. And that was enough.
All the same, his mood took a nosedive after everyone had gone. The act of packing, saying goodbye to his old apartment and to Veronica by packing up her (and their) belongings, had carried him through to this point. Now it was just him, the dog Titan, the apartment, and a bunch of boxes. There weren’t even very many boxes, because Sam had never quite given up the habit of sticking to the essentials, lest he have to pack up and leave at any given time. Of course, he’d thought that the circumstances of moving would have been apocalyptic or otherwise supernaturally dangerous in nature-- not because Veronica would disappear. He’d expected her to stay.
But she hadn’t, and it was, frankly, depressing.
He sat on the couch for a while, Titan sprawled out and asleep beside him, until the sun was starting to go down and the worst of his mood had passed. Then he got up, fed the dog, and started unpacking the kitchen. He’d kept most of what had been in their previous kitchen for himself-- Winnie the Pooh cups and waffle iron and all-- because he wasn’t ready to give up every reminder of his old life. Besides, they were as much his as Veronica’s, and they wouldn’t make any sense to her if she showed up again. She’d probably like them, but not understand why she had them. Not really.
He lost track of time, and had almost forgotten that he’d told Luke to come over until there was a knock on the door. Titan barked, but quieted when Sam shushed him, and he went to open it. “Hey,” he said to his friend standing on the other side. “You did have a pretty long day, huh? Come on in.”
--
The last week had been nothing short of insane for Luke, for everyone at SWORD really, because how did you even begin to prepare for the end of the world? He’d lived through enough galactic crises to know that no matter what you did, you would never be ready. All you could do was hope for the best and pray that someone found a solution or that the good guys won. In this case, it was a little difficult to tell just who the good guys and the bad guys were. He’d been to more meetings than he could count and been bombarded with more emotions than he knew what to do with which had led him to start blocking things. It wasn’t something he liked to do, he wanted to be able to know if someone he cared about needed him, but right now it was too much. There was far too much fear in the air and he couldn’t let it get to him, he had to stay focused on the job at hand which was helping find a way to save the planet.
Which was why he was angry at himself for what had happened on Thursday night. Luke knew he shouldn’t have gone to Carol’s office, he knew that the last thing either of them needed right now was something that would make the next few days or weeks anymore complicated than they were already going to be. He had been worried about her though and he gave in to his emotions and went to find her. What happened after that shouldn’t have been a surprise yet it was. The attraction between them was too strong and the world was about to end so why not take a chance? He’d been honest with her though, he wanted her in his life, he felt drawn to her in a way that he’d only experienced once before and if the world didn’t end, Luke wanted them to be together. It just hadn’t ended the way it had begun. He hadn’t expected her to get upset, to practically run out of his apartment with no explanation and try as he might, he couldn’t single out just one emotion that she was feeling. She was a jumble but then so was he and since that night, he hadn’t spoken to her. He’d seen her at work of course but they hadn’t crossed paths and maybe that was for the best. Right now was not the time to be distracted by whatever was happened between them but that didn’t make Luke feel any better. He cared about her and he hoped that he’d have the chance to let her know that. Stopping by Sam’s was just what he needed. He was worried about his friend, he couldn’t imagine what he was going through, and it helped to have someone else to think about right now. Luke had no idea how to help himself but maybe he could help Sam.
He gave Sam a tired smile when he opened the door and nodded. “Yes, it’s been a very long day. A very long week in fact. I’m not feeling well either but that’s probably lack of sleep.” Luke stepped inside and looked at his friend. “How are you? I know that’s kind of a dumb question but humor me.”
--
It was the first time Sam had been really asked that question, or at least, the first time that he’d genuinely considered answering it rather than brushing it off quickly. More because of the timing than anything else, because although he’d forced himself not to run away from this problem in the most literal sense-- to leave his job, travel around the country, go anywhere but here-- he’d been escaping from it into the methodical routine of packing up the apartment and moving out. (He didn’t count that as running away. It was just something that needed to be done.) With that accomplished, everything that he’d been putting off caught up to him, his new surroundings adding a horrible finality to the end of the most important romantic relationship of his life.
There was no point in pretending, even for his own sake, because he knew better now. So he went ahead and told the truth. “Crappy,” he said, letting out a huff of breath. He managed to quirk one side of his mouth up into a wry, sad smile, and then added, “I think I’m due for a drink. You want one?”
The phase of distracting himself and carrying on with everything had come to an end. He’d chosen to live on his own so he’d have a place to allow himself to be unhappy without having to be observed, but-- well, he didn’t really mind that Luke was here. Hopefully the company would keep him from getting too far down in the dumps tonight.
--
“Crappy is about what I expected,” he replied and walked into the apartment. “just water if you don’t mind. Like I said, I’m not feeling well. Probably catching a cold or something.” Luke shrugged and looked around the place. “It must feel strange being back here.” He hadn’t known Veronica that well but he knew how much Sam loved her, he’d been at their wedding and he knew that his friend had to feel like a part of himself was missing. That was a feeling that Luke could understand all too well.
He sat down and watched Sam move around the apartment. “I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re going through. I don’t, I haven’t lost anyone to the Tesseract but I know it could happen any time to any of us. I’m just sorry it happened to you.” Luke wondered how he would feel if any of his family suddenly disappeared. It would be devastating but nothing like what Sam was going through. “It’s easy to get comfortable here isn’t it? When you’ve been here a long time. I’ve only been here six months this time but I can feel myself letting my guard down and I suppose you never really can, can you?”
--
Since Luke had chosen water, Sam grabbed a beer instead of pouring himself the scotch he’d planning to offer for both of them. It was really just as well he didn’t reach for the strong stuff; he doubted he’d like himself very much when he reached the bottom of the glass. Beer would take the edge off a little bit without sending him into a downward spiral.
He came back and offered Luke a glass of water, then sat down on the couch, gesturing for his friend to join him, either on the couch or a chair. Titan ran over, sniffed hopefully at his beer, and then curled up on top of Sam’s feet. “I hope you’re not catching a cold,” he offered, finding that an easier topic of conversation than the other.
But following Luke’s lead didn’t make it too hard. “It’s not too bad being back in the tower,” he said honestly. “None of my homes have ever been… permanent, you know? I spent most of my life at home in a car. I lived here in the tower pretty much as long as I live anywhere else” He took a sip from his beer. “Living on my own, though… that’s new.”
--
Luke knew about Sam’s history, he’d heard the stories from his friend plus he’d watched a bit of the show before he’d helped him with Dean so he understood. “I know what that’s like,” he said, taking a sip of water. “I never really lived in just one place. I was always there for a short time and then off to do something else. I guess the closest thing I had to a home was the Jedi Academy but I wasn’t there as often as I should have been,” From what he’d learned about his own future, Luke knew he should have tried harder at first but he hadn’t and that couldn’t be changed, neither it seemed could the future. “I think this has been the longest time I’ve stayed in one place since I was nineteen,” he shook his head. “but it’s only been six months or so for me. It’s going to be an adjustment for you, isn’t it?”
He wasn’t sure exactly when Sam and Veronica had met but it couldn’t have been that long after Sam had arrived here. “Did you meet Veronica right away? I hope you don’t mind my asking but I was curious. I know more about you and your story but not as much about the two of you together. Maybe talking about it a little will help.”
__
“Yeah,” Sam said. “It’s definitely going to be an adjustment.” He didn’t mind living on his own, per se. If there wasn’t someone he wanted to live with, who simply wasn’t here, it might not have bothered him at all. But even in the new apartment that she’d never lived in, without the reminders of her all around, he still half expected her to be there when he woke up, or opened the door.
That wasn’t something he was trying to avoid. It hurt, but he preferred missing her to not remembering her at all. Which was why Luke’s question made him smile a little. “Almost. I met her when she arrived, which was about… a week? After I got here. Midway through December.” He took a sip of his beer. “We hung out on New Year’s Eve for the first time because neither of us were really into parties. Just… went up on the roof.”
He shook his head. “There aren’t that many people left that were here back then. It’s… weird.”
--
“I can imagine. I’ve heard Mara say the same thing. She’s seen a lot of people come and go, including me,” he shook his head and took a sip of water. It amused him to think about Mara’s reaction to his younger self. “and I’m a very different person than I was then.” Like daylight and dark to say the least. “That sounds like a good way to spend New Year’s Eve, just hanging out with someone like that. Now I understand why you picked that for a wedding date.” Luke hadn’t realized the significance of the date or the place when he’d attended their wedding but now he did.
“That first week that you’re here….it’s strange. At least it felt that way to me but you never forget the first few people who talk to you.” He smiled. “I remember you for instance. I also would be willing to bet that Mara told you to check up on me and make sure I was okay.”
--
Sam chuckled. “I remember the young version of you.” It was funny to think about now, and he needed the laugh. “I only talked to you once, though. Which was… the time when you found a bunch of lightsaber jokes.”
He leaned back further against the couch, fingertips tracing the label on his beer bottle. “Yeah. The first people you meet here… the first friends you make, you don’t forget them. Unfortunately the longer you’re here, the more of them end up leaving and forgetting you.” That was a depressing sentiment, and he knew it, but it was also true.
Instead of taking it back, he offered a small smile. “Well, she wasn’t here in town. She would’ve done the same for me if Dean had shown up while I was off working on something.” He paused, remembering. “Actually, he did show up while I was across the country… but he was a demon, so I just summoned him over there.”
--
Luke put his hand over his face and shook his head. “Knowing myself at that age, I can pretty much imagine exactly where those lightsaber jokes went,” he laughed. “straight to the gutter, I’m sure. Although really there isn’t any other place they could go if you think about it.” He dropped his hand. At least Sam had laughed which was something Luke was sure he hadn’t been doing a lot of lately.
“That was hard for me at first. I didn’t know really how to start living here. I kept thinking that I would be taken back but that didn’t happen. Then I thought that things would change but that didn’t happen either. I think it was the trip on the Ascension in November that really opened my eyes. I realized that the people here were part of my world now, we all had to work together to make this a safe place for all of us.” Then there was Carol whom he’d been aware since he’d begun working at SWORD but things had changed on board the ship and he’d started to see her in a different light. So yes, that trip was what had truly opened Luke’s eyes to where he was.
“It must have been a shock to find out Dean arrived as a demon,” Luke said. “that was when I really got to know you. I’m glad I was able to help. How is he doing now? I don’t see him very much except when he posts on the network.”
--
Sam even managed a brief but genuine grin at that. “They were pretty bad,” he said. “I’m sure you could find them again if you wanted. The internet is helpful that way.”
It was definitely true that he hadn’t been laughing or grinning a lot lately. He wanted to-- now that he knew what genuine happiness and lightheartedness felt like, he desperately wanted it back-- but everything was just so heavy that it was hard to find a place for it. Especially considering the mood he’d been in before Luke’s arrival, he was extremely grateful to his friend for coming over and lifting his spirits, even if it was only temporary. Just knowing that he didn’t have to be sad all the time, even this soon after Veronica’s disappearance, was enough to make him feel a little bit more hopeful.
He did grow more serious as the conversation called for it, listening to Luke recount his experience in getting here. “I lived exactly the way I used to live at home, at first,” he said. “I showed up at the same time as my brother, so we just found a car-- stole one of the props off the TV show set, actually, which SHIELD wasn’t too happy about-- and a hotel and moved around a bit. We didn’t settle in the tower until my parents got here.” It was funny, reliving all of that. But his attention was still on what Luke was saying. “What was it like, going up into space? That’s something I’ve never done. Never managed to work for any of these government agencies, either, although I’ve heard good things about them.”
He accepted the line of questioning about his own life more gracefully this time, without as much emotion being dragged up by the topic. “Well, I had the heads-up from the show that he’d turned into a demon. That helped, at least.” He raised a hand to run it through his hair. “He’s alright I think. He and Cas are still living together, just a few doors down.” Lowering his hand from his head again, he gestured in the vague direction of where his brother and friend were living. “They’re… together, I think they’re making each other happy. Hopefully they’ll get at least a couple years of that, the way Veronica and I did.”
--
“I can’t blame you for stealing the car. It’s a pretty sweet car,” Luke smiled. He definitely had taken note of that when he watched the show. “The strange thing for me when I got here was Mara. At home, I’d just begun to accept how I felt about her, had been having Force visions that something was happening to her, something bad and I’d gone to search for her. Then I come here and she’s here but she’s not the same. I mean she is but she isn’t if that makes sense.” He paused and took a sip of water. “She remembers things that I don’t, actually things that happen after I find her but you know all that of course. It took me some time to really understand that she was the person I remembered but someone else too. We understand each other better now and I’m grateful for that although sometimes there are moments when it still feels like part of me is gone.” Luke had accepted that they would never be together here unless something drastically changed and as difficult as it was to admit it without feeling disloyal to her, he hoped that they didn’t. He was happy or getting there, right now he was a little confused about the previous night, but Carol made him happy, he liked being with her and he hoped that she felt the same way.
“The whole thing with Jacen….it made us face some things that I wasn’t ready to think about. She already knew and had time to get used to it but as hard as that was, it needed to happen. It opened my eyes to a lot of things.” They had all grown through the experience as uncomfortable as it was at first but Jacen was starting to open up more so maybe the family could heal or at least start to.
“What was it like growing up in space…” Luke was glad to change the subject. “I didn’t know any other life so it’s hard to say really. I’m used to being able to travel between planets without any problem so not being able to do that here is strange to me. I miss that a lot. Even the ground traffic, we have speeders which kind of hover and they’re fast, it took me weeks to get used to looking out the window and seeing vehicles on the ground. And I’m going to confess something that I’ve only ever told one other person. Taxi cabs scare the holy shit out of me,” he laughed. “I don’t mind the subway, I’m not crazy about the bus but the be taxis? Those guys are insane.”
The news about Cas and Dean surprised him. Luke hadn’t known although he probably could have picked that up from the network if he’d looked closely enough. “They’re together? I didn’t know that. Is this something...new? Cas isn’t human is he? I mean I thought he was an angel.”
--
Sam nodded as he listened to Luke talk about Mara. They’d talked about her before, in similar ways, though less specifically about what had happened after Jacen had arrived. He could empathize with Luke’s experience even though he hadn’t directly experienced anything exactly like it, simply because he was familiar with the ways in which the tesseract and its messed up timelines-- including the timeline of the lives built here in this universe-- could make things exceptionally complicated. He and Dean always found their way back pretty easily, but even they had difficulty, and they were brothers. Romantic relationships could be a lot more complicated, although Sam thought there were probably more similarities between the two than differences.
For that and other reasons, the feeling of a part of himself being gone certainly resonated with him. “I think I know what you mean,” he said simply. He hadn’t thought he was going to elaborate, but then he did. “I think… with how complicated everything gets here, there’s a lot to gain but also a lot to lose.”
That was a more poignant sentiment than ever, considering his current circumstances. But he didn’t go any further than that. Instead, he laughed. “You’re absolutely right to be afraid of the taxis. Every time I get in one, I fear for my life. And if I see one coming when I’m not in it, I get the hell out of the way.”
He took a pull from his beer, and contemplated the bottle. “I don’t think it’s a secret, but… well, even when my brother’s not a demon he’s still kind of allergic to feelings.” He gave a slight smile, and nodded. “Cas is an angel, although… I’m not sure how long he’ll be one. His grace is burning out. If we can keep him alive through that, I think he’ll be human.”
--
“Feelings are complicated no matter what universe you’re in and the nature of this place makes them even more so but I’m beginning to see that taking a chance on them is worth it. Even if you might have screwed that up and aren’t sure how you did it,” he shook his head and smiled. “but hopefully I haven’t and if the world doesn’t end this week I’ll find out.” Luke sincerely hoped he hadn’t messed up things with Carol and the more time he’d had to think about it the more he begun to think he he might know what had happened. He just wasn’t quite sure that this was the right time to talk to her about it.
“How does an angel lose his Grace? I don’t know much about them, I can’t say that I follow any religion at home although some people would argue that the Jedi Code is a religion and at one time it more or less was but I don’t see it that way. Regardless of that we don’t have angels, Force Ghosts yes but not angels.” Luke had always been curious and there was so much in this world that he knew nothing of including angels and demons. “I’m sorry for asking so many questions. I hope that Cas can be helped though, he seems like a very nice man.”
--
Sam tilted his head, looking at the man beside him. “The end of the world is a decent time to try to sort out any mistakes you might’ve made,” he pointed out. “Or to just find an opportunity to put things aside. Speaking from… experience with a lot of world endings.” He paused. “Of course, it can also mess things up in itself. I know my brother and I tend to do desperate things to save the world or a person and… they don’t usually end well.”
That was an understatement, but he didn’t feel like going into it in depth. Besides, he had a feeling Luke would understand what he meant anyway. “Their grace… I don’t entirely understand how it works, but it’s… sort of like their soul, I suppose. Except that even without his, he’s still himself, and when I lost my soul I wasn’t myself at all. But it was taken from him by force, by another angel. Then he ended up with another angel’s grace, and that’s not really supposed to happen, because vessels are designed to contain specific angels-- and some can’t contain any angels at all. So it’s burning him up from the inside, doing more harm than he can heal. He has a mage healing him, so that hopefully he’ll survive-- as a human-- even after it burns out entirely.” He gave a slight smile. “If it doesn’t work, we’ll find something else. He’s family.”
He didn’t have to explain what he meant by that. Even in the relatively short time they’d known each other, Luke had certainly gotten an idea of what family meant to him and how far they were willing to go to help each other.
--
“Well I took a chance and we’ll see how it turns out. I just hope that I get the opportunity to find out,” Luke took a drink of water as he listened to Sam’s explanation about grace. It was way beyond his own personal experience but in some ways it reminded him of the Force and how it was part of a person. Although this seemed a lot more complicated. “I hope it works for him. Magic is something that exists to some extent in my world although not in the same form as here. I would like to learn more about it since I know we have several people here in the Tower who practice it.” He shook his head. “it’s funny to think about it but back home when I was young, there weren’t any Jedi left or so we thought, and people believed that Obi-Wan was a wizard. There were all sorts of stories told about him and when I was a kid, my friends and I would try and go out to where he lived to find out if it was true. We never made it of course, someone always caught us but it’s funny to think about now because he’s not a wizard at all but according to the people I grew up with, I’d be a wizard too.”
Luke knew how Sam felt about family, he’d seen it when they’d been trying to help Dean and he knew how much his friends meant to him. Even though they hadn’t known each other that long, he knew that Sam considered him family and Luke felt the same way. “I don’t know if there’s anything that I can do through the Force that would help him, I think this might be beyond me but if this doesn’t work, maybe we could try and figure something out.”