WHO: Kurt Hummel + Blaine Anderson WHEN: Right after their last texts/phone call WHERE: Kurt's apartment WHAT: Blaine ends their phone call by going to Kurt's apartment -- and even though he thinks it's going to end up being a bad idea, they end up reconnecting. WARNINGS: Sexual references but v. little sexual content SONG CUE: Welcome to Glee, kiddos! Imagine this log ends with a song segue into Virginia to Vegas's "We Are Stars" (Living life like it's just a game of blackjack / I don't know how but we always find our way back; lyrics). Imagine a montage and stuff. ;)
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Blaine stopped answering Kurt. In fact, the phone line went dead, because a moment later he was knocking on Kurt's door.
As soon as Kurt answered, Blaine pulled him in for a harsh, desperate kiss.
Time just sort of stopped after that. Blaine knew he was putting his heart on the line if he got tangled up with Kurt again. He knew he was doing something fundamentally wrong because he had a boyfriend. He was with someone back home, but home was an inaccessible universe away, and he'd already had his foot out the door ever since that kiss in the elevator.
If Dave ever showed up, Blaine would tell him.
Because now he was curled up in Kurt's bed, snuggled up against him with his head on his belly, just as the haze of need was starting to die down and he was beginning to think about what he'd done.
Kurt thought he knew what had just happened, and he wasn't sure what to think about it.
This was what he wanted. He hadn't wanted Blaine to be a cheater for him, he hadn't wanted to hurt anyone, but it would be a lie to say that this didn't feel right. They had so much work to do if this wasn't going to end as badly as it had before, but they hadn't spoken much, not when they were calm.
And Blaine was always so gorgeous right after sex, when he was glowing and his hair was messy and cute. Kurt couldn't bring himself to drag the mood down, dragging his fingers through Blaine's hair and still light-headed from the adrenaline.
"I really missed you."
Blaine nuzzled Kurt's bare skin, groaning softly. The silence had lingered between them for a long time, and he was reluctant to have it broken. He was far from buttoned-up and put together; his clothes were littered across Kurt's apartment, and his hair was unkempt and wild. He was always embarrassed by his hair, but he didn't bother to try and push it back. He let Kurt play with it and tug on it.
"I missed you, too," he said quietly, pressing his palm against Kurt's belly.
"So are we…" Kurt shifted and scooted down so they were level. "Is this happening again?"
Blaine took in a deep breath, lifting his head. He rubbed at his face, sighing. "Kurt, I… I don't know," he said. His instinct was to say yes, of course, we're soulmates, but he didn't know whether he could put himself through this again. Regardless of his situation with Dave, Kurt had broken up with him while they were planning their wedding. They were incapable of living together, and Blaine didn't want to be with Kurt if it meant throwing himself into this and getting his heart broken again down the line.
"Blaine…" It wasn't that Kurt didn't understand, but it hurt. He didn't want to beg for anything or make it seem like he was bullying Blaine into a relationship, so he pulled away, resting on his back again. "Okay."
"It's…" Blaine sat up, pushing his hands back through his hair and trying to smooth it down again. "Maybe I shouldn't have come over. I just. I miss you. And we're here, and we're so far from home, and I need you, but I …"
"No, I get it. Maybe you shouldn't have." Kurt wiped away sweat from his forehead and turned onto his side. He wasn't trying to shut off, but it was embarrassing. It wasn't the reaction he'd been hoping for.
Blaine was quiet for a long time. "I was going to leave him."
"You were---what?" That surprised Kurt enough to make him sit up so he could look back over at Blaine.
"I was going to leave him," Blaine admitted. "After we kissed, I just… I don't know." He shrugged a shoulder. "I care about him, I really do, but he's not you. He's never going to be you. And being pulled here made me feel like I had to hold onto something I've been starting to let go of."
It gave Kurt pause, and he seemed to realize that the silence (and the staring) was just awkward, because he tried to cover it by saying, "I'd say I'm sorry about that, but…" That would just be strange now.
Blaine chuckled softly to himself, resting his face in his hand. "No, no, I know..."
"Here's hoping he never shows up." Not just for their sakes, but for Dave's. Just because Kurt and Blaine were inevitable didn't mean that Dave's feelings didn't matter. "I really do want to make this right, Blaine."
Blaine glanced over, one eye open. He tried to keep his heart from skipping a beat. Dating Dave had been more or less an accident, and Blaine had been trying to go on with his life in the wake of losing Kurt. It was good, really, but it wasn't like this. Kurt was the love of his life, and always would be.
He was just afraid of trusting it again.
"Maybe we … I don't know, Kurt. How do we make this right? Did I do something…?"
"No," Kurt said. Simple. Straightforward. He settled back against the pillows. "Maybe you could get annoying, but it was mostly me. I am… more closed off than I thought I was. You know, you have an idea of yourself and who you are, and when it's different from reality, you lose things. And I lost you."
Blaine gave him a little nudge. "You want to talk about it?"
"Only if you want to." Kurt turned onto his side and reached for Blaine's hand like it was an anchor.
"I… yeah," Blaine insisted, sinking back down and pulling a pillow under his head. "I want to talk about this. We have to, if we're going to try this again." He squeezed Kurt's hand. Inwardly, he was wondering if running out the door was the best idea -- Kurt was a complete weak spot for him and he'd spent months trying to get over him, and now he was back in bed with him like nothing had happened. It felt like coming home.
"I think if we stay here, finding a couple's therapist isn't a bad idea. Marriage will naturally come up again, I want to be ready for it." Kurt didn't sound like he was biting at the bit to say some vows, he just sounded like he'd thought about it. "I want us to talk more often when things start slipping. We just let things build up and we… assume we're so close we're psychic. We're not. Nobody is."
Blaine nodded, brushing his thumb over the soft skin of Kurt's hand. "And maybe we should … wait, a while. To live together." It sounded reluctant; he didn't feel this way, but he didn't want to push Kurt into anything he wasn't ready for.
"We should let it be gradual. We live right next door, it's a good place to start from. And then… if we end up leaving stuff in one place or another or we spend more time in one apartment, we'll consider it." Kurt sounded like he was reading off a list he'd been working on for a while now, as if his therapist had assigned it. It wasn't a bad thing, necessarily, and it was thoughtful.
"But it's … we tried that," Blaine said after a moment. "I mean, we lived farther apart, but we we keep coming together and then breaking apart. The problem is that we can't live together." And he couldn't help feeling like Kurt was always pushing him away, even though this was a valid compromise.
"Because we thought living apart would fix things. We didn't do anything else, and then we jumped back in without thinking. We don't solve our problems, we avoid them, and then we fight. We don't talk about rules or boundaries or what-goes-where because we try to live in this fantasy land where love is supposed to make it all work, and it doesn't." If he came off as sharp, it wasn't on purpose, but there was no good way to say any of this.
Blaine fidgeted a little. Kurt wasn't wrong, but it felt harsh, like Blaine being a romantic was what screwed all of this up -- and Kurt wasn't necessarily wrong. Blaine did blindly assume that being in love made everything fine, that things would just magically work out because they loved each other and nothing else mattered. In practice, however, he was learning that really wasn't the case.
"I… okay."
"So we should actually, you know… work at it. Let love be essential, but it's still only a part of it." And realizing that hadn't been as disheartening as Kurt had expected. It didn't feel that great (it actually felt mean and more cynical than he'd like), but it felt grown up. Realistic.
Blaine snuggled in, curling up a little tighter and pulling the blankets up. "But it's a pretty big part of it."