Well, you can call off the search party, I ain't dead.
You know, I got an awful lot of texts and missed calls. If I didn't know better I'd say some of you missed me.
Except for those among you who were trying to gauge my whereabouts in order to steal my roommate and my XBOX.
Anyway the real lesson here is that there's no goddamn reason to make a freezer that locks from the outside. Especially if you're not gonna give it wifi.