Pepper/Jon.
You know, if you take out the assassins and the Order, you know what this sounds like? Every other teenager at your age who is trying to figure out who they are. Of course, you've got different choices than a lot of teenagers, because what you choose will determine how people react to you in the circles you currently run in. And possibly even the law.
But at the core, this is a very natural thing for you to feel, Jon. You're trying to seek your own way, and maybe what you thought was the way isn't as you grow, as you gain acquaintances and experiences.
You grew up in your Order, right? They trained as a young child?