sam winchester (neversurrender) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2014-07-27 11:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | !thread, castiel (end-verse), sam winchester |
Who: Sam & Cas
What: coping with Sam's aging-up and new memories
When: yesterday, after this
Where: their apartment
Warnings: heavy on the feels
We've got your back, Sam. You've gotten through other things, you'll get through this, and you'll do it with people who care about you.
It was good advice, to let other people help him, but it was hard to take. When Sam had woken up, he'd felt a confusing mix of feelings and thoughts and, on top of it, the remembered sensation of being burned from the inside out in the trials. Barely able to breathe, he'd run away, and as he'd caught his breath, the future memories and his physical age had sunk in fully. His body was different, but his soul felt dimmer, too, parts of his psyche atrophied and withered away. Trying to reach back to the part of him that was still vibrantly alive and vulnerable and open to emotion, the way he was underneath these new changes, was like trying to wake up dead limbs and organs from a long period of disuse. It hurt, in a sort of aching and groaning kind of way, forcing his emotions back into use after spending so much time shutting them out for the sake of survival.
It would have been even harder, probably, if not for the fact that it hadn't actually been that long ago that he'd been fully functional. Logically he knew he'd been just fine when he'd gone to sleep the night before, and it wasn't the first time he'd had a load of mental crap dumped on him in his sleep. The physical changes were new, but they were the least of his concerns. Those would probably go away. His head and heart, on the other hand, might not ever be the same again.
Mara's words had gotten through the fog that he was drowning in, and helped him remember who he really was here in this world. Seeing Veronica had helped, too. But he still felt like he was also the Sam that he remembered being for the last few years, and that part of him really wanted to see Cas.
After he walked in the door of the apartment, there was only a moment's hesitation in which he tried to fully process the fact that Cas was still here and not dead, before he walked over and wrapped his arms around his friend. It was a different version of Cas, but the memory of him dying, burning out, painfully and horribly while Sam could do nothing but sit beside him and hold his hand, seemed to be branded into his mind. It had broken his heart, especially because he'd been relying on the angel so much in the time leading up to that point, and nothing else besides Cas's presence here was going to do anything to help him start putting the pieces back together.
He curled one hand into the back of Cas's shirt and pressed the other hand against the back of his friend's head, and held on tightly, like the hug was a lifeline. It took him a good long moment before he found the strength to pull away and stand on his own, and then he didn't really know what to say. He looked down for a moment, and then back at Cas. "You can..." he began, and his voice came out hoarse, so he cleared his throat. "You can take... whatever it is you were going to take now, if you want."