Clint Barton ➶ Hawkeye (barton) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2014-07-09 18:53:00 |
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Entry tags: | clint barton / hawkeye (mcu) |
Who: Clint Barton (MCU) & the Senate Intelligence Committee
When: Late morning, 9 July 2014
Where: The Capitol Building, Washington DC
What: Clint Barton's senate hearing regarding his involvement with SHIELD. It does not go especially well.
Rating: PG.
SENATOR LEVIN: That concludes our hearing for Agent Sharon Elizabeth Carter. After a fifteen minute recess this committee will reconvene to hear the testimony of Clinton Francis Barton, also known as Hawkeye. Gentlemen. (Whereupon the Committee takes a 15 minute recess. Senators Levin (presiding), Chambliss, Stern, Inhofe, Kaine, Hirono, and King return from Chambers. They are joined by Col. Talbot, US Armed Forces) SENATE COMMITTEE CLERK: This session of the Senate Intelligence Committee will now reconvene on part 12 of hearings of senior members of the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division regarding the events of June 17th 2014 and their role in the terrorist agency known as SHIELD. Please state your full name for the record. AGENT BARTON: Clint Barton. Clinton, I think. Clinton Barton. I’m actually not 100% sure that it’s short for anything. My brother might have just said that to fuck with me. [...] I’m not putting my middle name on the record. (Whereupon there is an audible sigh from Senator Chambliss) SENATE COMMITTEE CLERK: Please try not to curse on record. We're live. AGENT BARTON: I’m pretty sure it’s not cursing if you use it as a verb. SENATE COMMITTEE CLERK: The FCC may disagree with that SENATOR LEVIN: How long have you been employed by SHIELD? AGENT BARTON: Uh... how long ago was... and then there was that war... like ten years? Twelve years? When did Friends get cancelled? Because it was before Friends got cancelled. So between the cancellation of Batman Beyond and the cancellation of Friends. Sometime in there. SENATOR LEVIN: Can you narrow that down more precisely? AGENT BARTON: Maybe. Do you know when that guy got kicked off of Ally McBeal? (Whereupon a note is handed to Senator Kaine from the press pit) SENATOR KAINE: Let the record show that Agent Barton is referring to 2002. Is this correct, Agent Barton? AGENT BARTON: Yeah, that’s it. I was still pretty bummed about losing Larry Paul like that. Also Ally McBeal was weirdly popular in Guatemala. SENATOR LEVIN: Can you describe the circumstances of your recruitment to SHIELD? AGENT BARTON: Yes. SENATOR STERN: He isn't even taking this seriously. Agent Barton. Describe the circumstances of your recruitment to SHIELD. AGENT BARTON: Well you didn’t say you wanted me to, man. You’ve got to give me something to work with. Uh--- Nick Fury recruited me. Kind of... forcibly? But like, with love. Like a... stern grandfather. SENATOR KAINE: Can you please be more specific? AGENT BARTON: Uh, sure, I guess... like Cotton, from King of the Hill. SENATOR KAINE: More specific regarding the circumstances of your recruitment. You said that you were in Guatemala at the time? AGENT BARTON: No, I said Ally McBeal was there. But I also was. Uh-- I was working on a project. For my former employer. I was kind of, you know. Doing some work for that operation in, uh-- Puerto Quetzal, I guess. You know, stuff. Then I -- got hit in the neck with what I’m pretty sure was a tranquilizer dart, woke up zip-tied on an airplane. You know. Admittedly not the first time that’s happened to me, but it was definitely the largest plane I’ve woken up on. It had phones and stuff, but it didn’t have a TV. I guess most planes didn’t in 2002, but it was an international flight, so it seems like there would have been some sort of entertainment. SENATOR STERN: Colonel Fury offered you clemency in return for your cooperation. Is that correct? AGENT BARTON: Objection, your honor! Leading the witness! […] Is this a trial? SENATOR LEVIN: No. It is a Senate subcommittee hearing. AGENT BARTON: Oh. Um, yes. Maybe. Do I still have it? There are no take-backs on clemency, right? SENATOR LEVIN: You would need to consult your lawyer for that. COL. TALBOT: Can we get on to your work with SHIELD? Agent Barton. You were part of a project, the Avengers Initiative. Can you describe your role in that? SENATOR STERN: He's actually looking for an answer this time too. Not just yes or no. AGENT BARTON: Yeah I can do that. I was the guy who shot things. With arrows. There were other guys who shot things. And girls. Girls shot things. Not gender specific. Because of equality. COL. TALBOT: To clarify, "girls" like Agent Natasha Romanoff? AGENT BARTON: Yeah, girls love Agent Romanoff. COL. TALBOT: Agent Barton, that was not the question. You have a long history in the agency with Agent Romanoff. Can you describe that relationship? AGENT BARTON: Yeah, it was. You asked if girls liked her. They do. I don’t know what you’re looking for, man. (Whereupon Col. Talbot cuts off Agent Barton, raising his voice.) COL. TALBOT: Son, don't address military officials or US senators as "Man." AGENT BARTON: My bad. Sorry, man. Um-- Good. I would describe the relationship as good. The sort of relationship where you sometimes try to kill each other and she sometimes tests new poisons on you, but you were only out for a couple of days so it wasn’t really that big a deal in the grand scheme, you know? At the end of the day she’ll still be there to help you steal a drug dealer’s helicopter. COL. TALBOT: She was your partner on several missions run from 2007 to 2012. Are you still professionally close to Agent Romanoff? AGENT BARTON: How close do you have to be for it to be professionally close? Like we’re pretty close but I don’t think we’re getting paid for that, specifically. COL. TALBOT: To what extent were you in communication with Agent Romanoff during June of 2014, this past month? AGENT BARTON: Uh, not a lot. We talked at one point. I told her I was going somewhere. [...] Actually I think I told her I was going to try out for the olympic ice dancing team. I don’t know if that’s a real thing. COL. TALBOT: And you expect us to believe that was all the communication you had with Agent Romanoff following and leading up to the murder of Col. Nicholas Fury, Captain Rogers' fugitive status, and the destruction of your home agency? AGENT BARTON: Oh, no, that was before the murder of Nick Fury. I didn’t talk to her at all after. Like not until recently when she told me to get a new phone. I really like my t-mobile sidekick. But you know. Prison. COL. TALBOT: You were in prison? AGENT BARTON: Yeah but it was just a Taiwanese prison. So it doesn’t count here. Technically I’m out on bond. COL. TALBOT: On what charges? AGENT BARTON: Misunderstanding. Like, 8 of them. Mild to moderate political... assassinery. And a thing with a go-kart. But that guy was a douchebag, and also I wasn’t even there at the time. COL. TALBOT: Of course you weren't. You were in a Taiwanese prison the entire time between June 12th and 17th? AGENT BARTON: I don’t know. Probably. They have different days there. And everyone is like a year older. I think time moves differently. SENATOR KAINE: That's actually not true, Agent Barton. AGENT BARTON: I'm pretty sure it is. COL. TALBOT: What was your course of action after learning of the events of June 17, 2014? AGENT BARTON: Uh. Well. I didn’t find out about any of that until I called Stark to bail me out of jail. Prison, I mean. So my course of action following that was... to be bailed out of jail. I would have paid it myself, but they wanted like crazy money. They thought I was a flight risk or something. Anyway, after Stark paid, obviously I wasn’t going to stick around. You know, important... senate committee shit to attend to. You’re welcome, by the way. SENATE COMMITTEE CLERK: Agent Barton, the FCC. SENATOR STERN: Stark is Tony Stark? AGENT BARTON: Well, Sansa Stark wasn’t available. ... Actually she might have been, but I don’t think she’d travel well. SENATOR STERN: Probably better than Tony Stark would--Agent Barton, what is your relationship to the group known as HYDRA? AGENT BARTON: You know, I once bought some shampoo, Garnier Fructis Hydra Recharge? I don’t think my purchase went to fund terrorist activity, but I guess there’s really no way to know. SENATOR STERN: Earlier this year you were involved in a course of action with Colonel Fury and several others in which you were court martialed for treason. Can you describe this event and the events leading up to it? AGENT BARTON: Sure. It sucked. They sucked, rather. All of the events. SENATOR STERN: Would you care to be a bit more specific? AGENT BARTON: Not especially. We all got pretty good at Flappy Bird. SENATOR STERN: Following these events, you and your co-conspirators, including Agent Jasper Sitwell, known agent of HYDRA, were pardoned, were you not? AGENT BARTON: Alleged co-conspirators. Probably. But, uh. Yep. Pardoned. Although I suspect that part of that was an effort to keep me from telling them any more about what I did on my summer vacation. SENATOR STERN: Who were you pardoned by? If you remember that. AGENT BARTON: I don’t know. Some old white guy. You all look the same to me. SENATOR STERN: Our records show that it was Alexander Pierce, former Secretary of Defense and HYDRA agent. Would you like to clear us up on your past history with HYDRA, Agent Barton? AGENT BARTON: I watched Sitwell’s cat for a day and a half once. I was not allowed to do that again. I was actually watching the wrong cat. And it was a raccoon. SENATOR STERN: Do you mean to say you had no knowledge of or experience with HYDRA before the events of last month? AGENT BARTON: I mean, I knew that they were a thing. That had existed. But I figured they died out around the same that Captain America and the dinosaurs all did. I was never really great with timelines. SENATOR LEVIN: Captain America's actually alive. AGENT BARTON: Yeah but he died. Like vampires and zombies and shit. SENATOR LEVIN: That's one way of putting it. How would you describe your relationship with Steve Rogers, Captain America. AGENT BARTON: I sign him up for a lot of text message mailing lists. I don’t think he really appreciates it. Granted, I was doing it to bug him, but one of those cost me $2. We got pretty close in Vegas, though. I think. I’m not 100% sure we were both there? SENATOR LEVIN: That is referring to your recent trip wherein the Hulk rampaged down the Las Vegas strip? AGENT BARTON: Woah man, I’m pretty sure that upon entering the city limits I became contractually obligated to never speak of anything that occurred there. Also it was less of a rampage and more of a “broing out.” SENATOR LEVIN: [...] Very well. Getting back to your association with the Avengers Project. AGENT BARTON: Am I still associated with that? I heard the project was disbanded. Became more of an unofficial group hang. SENATOR LEVIN: How frequent would you say these "group hangs" are? AGENT BARTON: Uh, depends. Like the world-saving group hangs, or like stealing a boat full of shrimp chips group hangs? Or like the ghostbusters party at Tony’s house with the William Tell tribute group hangs? Or the group hang on Tony’s airplane where I showed everyone what I learned in Zagreb? SENATOR LEVIN: Those related directly or indirectly to SHIELD business. ARGENT BARTON: I mean the thing in Zagreb started out as SHIELD business but that’s more of a show than a tell. SENATOR LEVIN: And what happened in Zagreb? AGENT BARTON: Really? Right here? I mean, okay. (Whereupon Agent Barton grabs a member of the press pit by the arm and climbs on top of the interview table. Several audience members attempt to restrain him. Despite Agent Barton’s attempt to lift him, the audience member does not join him on the table. Agent Barton begins an oddly sexual demonstration of the Posavina, a Croat folk dance in which he appears to be of greater than average ability. The demonstration is cut short.) COL. TALBOT: Agent Barton! Get off that table! AGENT BARTON: You ASKED me to show you. The least you can do is put on some music, you know. Do you have any Bon Jovi? COL. TALBOT: Perhaps you could tell us about Zagreb instead. Without the dancing. (Whereupon Agent Barton descends from the table, but sits on the edge, swinging his legs.) AGENT BARTON: Do you want me to start from the beginning, or just skip to the part with Korean Elvis and that Croatian diplomat’s bachelorette party? Because let me tell you, you do not want to know where I was hiding that gun. But I have some great tips for getting blood spatter off a rental jačerma. Don’t worry, it wasn’t my blood. COL. TALBOT: How about starting with your objective. AGENT BARTON: Oh, you know. Protecting a diplomat, killing a guy, borrowing some state secrets and sending them back to Papa Fury. But like, I looked at the secrets, I’m pretty sure it was just a flan recipe. Although I guess making flan is a little suspicious in Zagreb. A lot of my missions involved killing a guy, or potentially killing a guy. That’s kind of what snipers do when we’re not beating your ass at Halo. COL. TALBOT: And what did Colonel Fury do with these state secrets? AGENT BARTON: I think he made them into a rather smart casual jacket. COL. TALBOT: You know if you keep making this like a joke, I'm sure there's any number of nations that would love us to extradite you. SENATOR KING: The purpose of this hearing is to determine what role SHIELD has played in international terrorism outside of the United State's government. It's in your best interest to show your loyalty to us and not them, Agent Barton. AGENT BARTON: No, I’m serious, I have a picture on my phone. The secrets jacket. I can show you. Apart from that, I don’t know what Fury does with anything I give him. Except Natasha, I know what he did with Natasha. And my christmas bonuses, which I know that he gives to Natasha... And -- and -- that marshmallow shooter he said he just needed to look at for a second, but then he hit me with it and wouldn’t give it back. Which I still want back, by the way. That is my marshmallow shooter, I paid for it with my own money, and you can’t just take a man’s marshmallow shooter and then lock it in your desk forever. SENATOR KING: Will this picture contribute to this hearing in any meaningful way? AGENT BARTON: I mean, I certainly think so. (Whereupon Agent Barton retrieves his phone from his pocket and, after a few moments, shows the court a low-resolution digital photograph of a man wearing a dinner jacket made from assorted papers. The man does not appear to be Colonel Nicholas Fury.) COL. TALBOT: That is not Colonel Fury. And do you have brain damage or something? AGENT BARTON: My doctor says that if I have one more concussion I might die. But this is definitely Nick Fury. It looks just like him. Before he lost his hair. See? He has that same old Fury scowl and everything. SENATOR STERN: That'd be a shame. But the Colonel's right. Nick Fury's a [...] bit different looking. AGENT BARTON: Uh, I’m pretty sure it is. Which one of us has seen Nick Fury more times, you or me? That is definitely Nick Fury. You just think it’s not him because he’s not wearing an eyepatch. If you put an eyepatch on this guy, you’d know it was him. SENATOR STERN: Agent Barton. Colonel Fury had a much different face to my recollection. A stronger jaw. Things like that. SENATOR KING: Yes. Let the record reflect Agent Barton has not shown a picture of Colonel Fury, please. Let's carry on. COL TALBOT: I still would like a serious answer as to what Colonel Fury was doing with these documents. AGENT BARTON: Uh, let the record reflect that Agent Barton has definitely shown you a picture of Colonel Fury. SENATOR KING: Agent Barton! Colonel Fury was Bl-African American. AGENT BARTON: What?? Fury is black? Oh my god. But I'm-- [...] Does this mean he’s not my real dad? (whereupon Senator King raises his voice) SENATOR KING: Moving on. What was Colonel Fury really doing with this intelligence? AGENT BARTON: God, all this time and he just-- Sorry, sorry, I need a minute to collect myself, here. Just-- [...] Damn it, Dad... (Whereupon Agent Barton looks aggrieved and sniffles audibly, before clearing his throat) AGENT BARTON: I don’t know, man. [...] I guess there’s a lot that he hid from me over the years. SENATOR LEVIN: If you have nothing to contribute to this operation in Zagreb, let's discuss your ties to the role in agitations of (whereupon Senator Levin appears to be sounding out words) SENATOR LEVIN: the Agin-Buryat separatists in Zabaykalsky Krai. Was this under the umbrella of your work with SHIELD? AGENT BARTON: I would definitely say that when the sun shined, we shined together. SENATOR LEVIN: Can you speak plainly? AGENT BARTON: Yes, I was under their umbrella. SENATOR LEVIN: What was your role in these uprisings? AGENT BARTON: I live-tweeted it. Hashtag cold as fuck. Hashtag why do they want this place anyway. Or as they say in Russian, “Perestan'te pytat'sya govorit' po-russki klint.” SENATOR STERN: What does that mean? AGENT BARTON: I don’t know. Natasha said it a lot. COL. TALBOT: Do you still have ties to individuals in this movement? AGENT BARTON: Hell yeah. Most of them still follow me on twitter. One of the rebel leaders even invited me to his last Christmas party. (Whereupon Colonel Talbot whispers something to Senator Levin. Senator Levin nods and writes something down) SENATOR LEVIN: We will table this discussion for Closed Sessions. If we turn to your 2009 mission in Budapest… |