At the mention of Adam's name, and John's head snapped up. That Sam would know Adam was a complete shock, and nothing that he would have ever expected. It was like a punch to the gut and a weight to the back of his neck; he couldn't manage to lift his head and look at Sam.
And then the revelation; he didn't get to be normal. "Christ," John said quietly, keeping his head bowed against his clasped hands. "I tried. I tried to keep him safe, keep him normal, stay out of his life with all these things. Fuck." It wasn't even that John didn't swear; he did, and often, but the softly-spoken curse was so different than the shouted expletive. "I tried, with Adam, to make up for all the things I couldn't do with you and Dean. took him to ball games, taught him how to drive, tried to make sure that he and his mother were all right."
He dragged both hands over his face, then through what was left of his thinning graying hair. "What happened? Is Kate all right, his mother? Did you see her?" Then he shook his head, not giving Sam a chance to answer. "I used him. I used Adam to prove that I could be a decent father, and I failed utterly. I wasn't there, not regularly, only when the job let me. At least with you and Dean, I was there, or I taught you to protect yourselves and each other. I didn't teach him that; I told Kate I'd protect them both. And I failed. Again."
Then a third sigh, and he finally raised his head to look at Sam. "How did you find him? I deliberately ripped those pages out of my journal so you couldn't track the Milligans down."