Christine Chapel, RN (chapelrn) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-12-26 16:34:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, christine chapel, fox mulder |
Who:Christine Chapel and Fox Mulder
When:Saturday December 14 (backdated)
Where: Christine’s apartment
What: Talking about anniversaries and strange presents
Rating: PG
The last few weeks hadn’t been easy ones for Christine. Ever since she’d lost so many of her friends to the whims of the Tesseract, she’d felt off balance. As was her habit, she’d thrown herself into work and hadn’t realized how much she’d been doing until Pike had asked her if she ever stopped working. She didn’t even have to think about volunteering to go to Asgaard, they needed medical help and Christine was happy to provide it. It had been an amazing experience and though it had been hard work, it was the type of work that she loved. The time she spent there had brought up some feelings that she had been trying to ignore and when she returned, she’d looked into something that had been brewing in the back of her mind since she’d gotten her MCAT scores. As if that wasn’t enough, she looked at the calendar and it hit her that she’d been in New York for almost a year. While there were many things about the year that she wouldn’t trade for anything, her relationship with Mulder being the most important of them, there were times when she just wanted to go home. All this was on her mind when she woke up on Saturday and even though she probably didn’t need to be alone, she’d turned off her phone and sat down with a book, hoping to lose herself in its pages despite the pang of guilt she felt, knowing that if Mulder tried to get in touch with her, he might be worried. More than likely he would simply show up at her door if he got concerned so she put the thought out of her mind until she heard the knock on the door. Expecting to find Mulder there, she was surprised to find someone with a package for her. Christine knew that people had been receiving things through the Tesseract for the last week or so but she hadn’t expected to get anything herself and certainly not today. She thanked the man and closed the door, looking at the brown package in her hand. “What on earth?” she muttered as she walked over to the couch and sat down, pulling off the paper. “Oh my god….” Christine felt tears spring to her eyes as she saw the book in her hand. It was old, it had been old when she’d gotten it the first time but somehow it had survived and had ended up in an antique book store in New Orleans where her mother had found it and given it to her on her graduation from nursing school. She took a deep breath and carefully opened the cover, wondering if this was really her book or a copy and then she burst into tears. The inscription was there, the one her mother had written, leaving no doubt that this was indeed Christine’s book. We love you, Mom and Dad It was some time before Christine could compose herself enough to get her phone and send a message to Mulder on the network, asking him to come over. She didn’t want to be alone now, she needed someone to hold to, someone who would understand how this made her feel and she knew that he would. Once he’d replied, she’d sat, chewing her lip, letting the tears fall freely as she looked through the book but finding herself always returning to the inscription, her fingers tracing her mother’s words as if touching her handwriting would make her mother appear. She was so intent on what she was doing that the second knock on her door startled her. Setting the book on the coffee table, Christine wiped her eyes and went to get the door. “Hi,” she said with a sniff when she saw Mulder there. “Thanks for coming. I hope I didn’t bother you.” “You didn’t,” Mulder said as he entered her apartment. “I was taking a break in my reading any way, and so obviously I wasn’t terribly busy at that point. And regardless, even if I had been, I’ve always got time for you.” He stepped in and without another word reached his arm out to wrap around her and pull her into a hug. Mulder didn’t really know what Christine had been gifted through the Tesseract but it was clear enough that whatever it was had obviously been important to her -- enough so that she was clearly emotional at the moment. Whether that was happy or sad he wasn’t certain and from Christine’s post she herself hadn’t even been certain, but Mulder figured that they’d both get to the bottom of that eventually. And truthfully, if it was that unclear, it was likely both happy and sad to begin with. At least, he suspected this to be true. “Hey,” he glanced down, running his fingers over her cheek and asking with a smallish smile. “I didn’t bring the entire box of handkerchiefs, should I have?” He guided her back towards the sofa as he considered what might have brought forth such a response - something to do with Roger perhaps? Or something from Starfleet? something from Roger might be the most likely, but he guessed that she would tell him when she was ready. The sofa wasn’t a long distance away and as they reached it he paused. “Do you want some water? Something to drink?” Christine let herself be gathered into his arms and simply stood there, holding on to him for a moment. When he touched her cheek, she looked up and shook her head. “No I’m good. I have plenty,” she gave him a weak smile. “Thank you and yes, some water would be good.” Christine sat down on the sofa while he went to the kitchen and picked up the book, running her fingers over the cover. “I got this today,” she said when he rejoined her. “I’ve been here a year today, did you know that? I’ve been trying not to think about it but it’s been hard. This book…” she held it up. “my mother gave it to me when I finished nursing school.” Christine handed the book to Mulder. “she said she found it in a box in an antique book shop, they were going to throw it out because they didn’t think anyone would ever buy it. They obviously didn’t know what they had.” Christine wiped her eyes. “Open it, there’s an inscription on the flyleaf.” “If you say so, but if we drown here, I’m going to gurgle ‘I told you so’ as my last breath,” Mulder said lightly, giving her a moment before stepping over to the kitchen for a glass that he filled from the tap and returned to Christine, trading her the glass of water for the book she’d handed over. “Yeah, I guess it has been a year hasn’t it?” He knew he’d arrived not long before she had and he’d hit a year recently as well. It was odd to think of all the things that would have happened to him at home had he been there - and would, supposedly happen when he returned. Assuming that he did return there and not some other time-line. There was no real clarity about what happened when the Tesseract supposedly ‘returned’ you. He took the book and turned it over. It wouldn’t have meant a lot to him just looking at it, but he did realize after looking at the title why it might have some significance to Christine. And once he opened the book to read the inscription on the flyleaf he couldn’t help but smile a bit and it was very clear why this particular book might have Christine in tears. The thought of Christine’s parents in her reality reminded him of his own Father’s death, which he now remembered, and his mother’s death which he didn’t remember - only watching it on the television show. He pushed aside those emotions for the moment and turned back to Christine. “This was what the Tesseract brought you? That’s kind of amazing, Christine.” She took a sip of water and then a deep breath before she answered him. “It is, isn’t it? It would have gotten to me no matter what day it turned up but the fact that it turned up today of all days was just strange. It’s like the Tesseract knew or something…” Christine shook her head. They’d talked about the Tesseract being senient before and while she still didn’t know if it was or not, things like this made her wonder. “Of course it made me realize how far away from home I am but if what they say is true, my parents don’t know that I’m gone. There’s a version of me still on the Enterprise or maybe I’m home for the holidays, I don’t know. This version of me really misses them right about now.” Christine moved closer to Mulder and leaned her head against his shoulder. “I keep looking at what she wrote there….’go out and save the world’...I haven’t exactly done that, have I? I’m not ever sure it’s possible.” She reached out and took the book from Mulder’s hands. “I’ve actually read it, you know. It’s funny when you think about when it was written, how different the times were, what was considered proper behavior for women. Nightingale was quite a rebel in her day. Taking care of half naked men,” Christine gave a soft laugh. “the basic stuff is still the same though, her ideas, what’s good for patients, what’s not good for them. When I get that book it’s almost four hundred years old but so much of it was still being done. It blows my mind.” She opened the book once more and glanced at some of the pages and then put it back on the table. “It kind of made me think more seriously about something that’s been on my mind for a while,” she said quietly and then sat up and shifted so she could see him better. “I know I’ve been kind of distant lately and I’m sorry about that. After so many people that I cared about left I kind of shut myself off from everybody. I also didn’t tell you everything about my MCAT scores.” Christine took a deep breath and gave him a sheepish look. “I told you I did well, that I would be competitive with anyone and that’s true but what I didn’t tell you was that I scored in the 98th percentile of everyone who took the test with me. Basically I was just two points away from making a perfect score.” Mulder settled his arm around Christine and listened, nodding a bit. He wasn’t certain it was possible to go out and ‘save the world’ for most people. Maybe it was here, after all types like Captain America and the Iron Man were real in this reality, but in most realities…? He was pretty certain nothing he did came close to saving the world and that Christine came a lot closer to that than he did. “That’s amazing, Christine,” he said as she told him about her MCAT scores. “I knew you’d do well, but that’s really amazing.” He turned just slightly so that he could look at her more seriously. “I don’t know if any of us really save the world. Maybe we only ever save individual people and hopefully we do that instead of causing greater harm.” He frowned slightly uncertain that he hadn’t just caused a lot of people greater harm in his quest for the truth. “In your case, you’ve definitely done your part to save individual people - you still are. Asgaard for instance?” “I was shocked. I didn’t expect to do that well,” even though Christine knew that the knowledge she had was quite literally light years ahead of what was known at this point in time, she still hadn’t gotten her hopes up. “and I think you’re right. No one can ever really save the world. We just have to try and take care of our own little piece of it.” When he mentioned Asgaard, she sighed. “I’m not sorry I went but it was tough. Watching people fighting each other and I’m not even certain what they were fighting about to be honest. I kept busy with the wounded and there were plenty of those, not all of them human although the Asgaardians themselves are or at least humanoid in form.” Christine looked down at her hands for a moment, knowing that saying the next part was going to be hard but she hadn’t told anyone and she knew that she had to. “I...killed someone, Mulder,” she said quietly, still looking at her hands. “I was trying to get someone off the field and to safety. This….troll thing tried to attack us. I didn’t know what to do, there was no one I could call to help me, they all had their own battles to fight so I grabbed a dagger from the man I was helping...it was on his belt and I stabbed the troll.” Christine took a shaky breath. “It scared me...I didn’t know I had that in me but it was instinct almost. I had to protect my patient. I just...it bothers me, Mulder. I know I didn’t have a choice but I’ve never had to make that choice before.” Even though it was on a battlefield and she’d had to do what she’d done, the fact that she’d taken a life bothered her. “but I know that if it ever came down to it, if it were you or someone else that’s important to me….I’d do the same thing to keep you safe.” Mulder listened as she spoke, his hand resting on her shoulder and as she continued his expression turned more serious. It was one of the things he never quite got used to about his job at the FBI. You didn’t usually shoot to kill, but he still carried a weapon and he had shot - and hit - people before during his tenure at the FBI. He squeezed her shoulder a bit. “You did what you needed to Christine. I don’t think it ever is something anyone considers easy - and if you do consider it easy, then I think there’s a sign that it’s a deeper problem, but you needed to save your patient, and yourself - you were being attacked - you did what you needed to. I know that isn’t going to necessarily make it seem like a better choice, but it’s something I think is important to remember.” He stopped and then added. “I’m just glad you’re all right. And your patient? Did they make it as well?” She nodded. “Yeah. He did. I got him back to the medical unit and they took care of everything. I was shaken up and they made me take a day off. I think the Asgaardians didn’t quite know what to do with me.” Christine laughed. “which isn’t that big a surprise since sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself.. Being there though...it made me realize something.” Christine looked up at him. “I’m not happy at SHIELD Medical, Mulder. Most of the time, we’re doing research which is fine, I like research but I miss working with patients. I miss that human contact. When we do have patients, it’s usually some big secret and we do what we have to do but we don’t know what we’re dealing with.” She took a breath. “I could get into any medical school in the country with my scores, I know that, but that’s four years and then a residency in whatever I decided to do. I don’t even know if I’m going to be here four years from now. Or four days from now for that matter. None of us do. I looked into something when I got back. With my credentials I can sit for the family nurse practitioner exam now then I’d have to take a crash pharmacology course and an exam so that I could write prescriptions but that’ll be easy. I could work at the clinic here, I could actually help people. There’s one person there full time and she has to be swamped. I just think I’d feel like I was making a difference.” “Then that’s what you should do,” Mulder said simply. “You should go where you feel like you’re doing something valuable, and something that makes you feel as if what you’re doing matters. Research and development is important, sure. And there are probably people who don’t necessarily enjoy working with patients - and the research is the perfect way for them to make a difference. But if you miss the patients, and I know you’d be good with them, then you should find a job where what you’re doing is making a difference for those individuals.” He squeezed her shoulder slightly. “Whatever you do I know you’re going to do something that is useful, but I think if you’ll be happier at the clinic, that would be what would make sense.” Mulder knew that while he’d considered SHIELD he couldn’t have been happy there. He hadn’t been happy in the FBI mainstream for years and after all he’d seen at home he knew he wouldn’t easily be happy there again. SHIELD was too close to that - for all they dealt with aliens and threats that weren’t even acknowledged at home. “I know you’re right. I think I’ll be happier and if things do follow the way they seem to, I’m going to end up in medical school eventually anyway. I know my counterpart did and since I was already considering it before I came here, it stands to reason that I’d stay on that path. Plus the scores are good for ten years before you have to take the test again so if I don’t go home, I’ve got plenty of time.” Although Christine didn’t quite believe she’d be here that long. Then again she hadn’t expected to be here for a year either so who knew. She leaned in and kissed him lightly, resting her hand against his face. “Thank you. I just needed to hear someone tell me that I wasn’t crazy for thinking that. I’m not going to do anything until after the holidays since most people kind of shut down for all intents and purposes but after the New Year, I’ll start things rolling.” Mulder nodded thoughtfully. “I think it’s interesting for those of you who are - well, the same people from different realities, what’s changed and what is the same. It makes me half-wonder what it would be like if I had a counterpart - outside of really incredibly bizarre - but just - what would he be like? Would he still work for the FBI? Still work with the paranormal? Or would he have gone some other route? It makes me half wonder about our lives in this place - you’re talking about Medical school here - you were thinking about it at home, the Christine Chapel from the other universe does. It almost makes me wonder if I ought to be going down to see if the FBI would put up with me in this universe,” he half smiled. “Sorry, that’s me rambling on a bit,” he shook his head. He was pretty certain part of the thoughts were coming from having watched more of the series, and having reached pretty near the end. Thoughts of what his life at home would bring, and what he was living here, and what choices he might have made differently in another situation. And here was its own unique situation that if he dove too deeply into things it inevitably would leave them both here all night. “You’re not crazy though,” he pulled himself back onto track with what she was talking about. “You’re just sorting out the way you want your life to be, that’s all. And sometimes it takes a different track than we might have thought.” “It is incredibly bizarre knowing there’s another me in another timeline. Although after talking to Jim and to McCoy the first when he was here, it seems that we’re a lot alike although there are some differences too.” She grinned as he speculated about what it would be like if there were two of him. “Well if there’s another one of you out there, I hope he doesn’t show up. One of you is all I can handle.” Christine moved closer to him and laid her head on his shoulder. “but it’s an interesting idea. Maybe you should go talk to the FBI although they probably already know you so who knows what they’d do?” She sat there for a moment, her thoughts drifting down a path that she had tried to avoid but it seemed her mind was determined to take her there. “What does it feel like, knowing what your future holds? Or at least what someone’s idea of your future holds. I know that if we’d never come here, we’d just have to take it as it comes so it shouldn’t feel any different but for some reason, it does.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I think it’s because there are so many things I want to remember about this place and I know that I won’t remember any of it. I don’t want to forget you..us..what we have together and I will. That pisses me off because you’re the best thing about this place.” Christine bit her lip, trying to keep her emotions in check. “and sometimes I don’t know how I would have made it through this year without you. I don’t want to forget all that and it’s not fair that I have no choice in the matter.” “Mostly I like what Scully and I are doing, freelancing, and just helping out a bit. At the same time there have been times when I thought checking in with the FBI might not be a bad plan either. I don’t know,” Mulder shook his head. “Not to mention who knows if they would even want me. It’s not like I’m the easiest agent they’ve ever worked with and people would know that,” he shrugged with a short laugh. Christine’s question made Mulder pause. “It’s - I don’t know. I mostly try not to dwell on it too much, or spend a lot of time thinking about it, but I’ll admit there are times that I do think about things. I think mostly it’s the things that I wish would be different that bother me the most and it’s frustrating knowing that they’re coming and that I won’t be able to change them - or probably won’t be able to change them. From everyone that has come and returned - or come in from a future point - it seems as if what happen in the future will happen. I’ve not finished everything so I don’t know where we’ll end, but there are certainly things I’ve seen I wish would be different and in that regard I realize it’s better that I don’t remember what I’ve learned here, but at the same time, there have been good things about here,” he smiled at her and shook his head, pushing the thoughts away. Part of what made things so complicated was knowing what he and Scully would have - or wouldn’t, in some cases - and that was a topic of conversation that he didn’t know exactly how to have with Christine. “At any rate, it’s not like we can change any of it - what will be in the future or what we might like to remember about here - so I mostly try to not spend a lot of time thinking about it. And honestly, as we’ve discussed before there’s always the possibility we’ll remember some of what happens here. We still don’t understand so much of the way that the human mind works,” he squeezed her hand gently. “So who knows, maybe you’ll remember my dashing ways when you return.” “Being here is just a whole new ballgame, isn’t it?” she said, returning his squeeze. “but we have to make the most of it.” She laughed at his words. “Your dashing ways? That’s one thing I love about you, Mulder, you’re so modest and unassuming. Of course I hope you remember how amazingly thoughtful and considerate I am and the fact that give killer back rubs.” This was easier, even though thoughts of the future did tend to bother her from time to time, Christine wanted to concentrate on being happy now which she was most of the time. The job change would be good for her, she fully believed that, it felt right and she was looking forward to getting started in that direction. Mulder grinned at her and raised his eyebrows. She was smiling and he was glad to see it happening. “Not to mention, consider this, we’ll get to be young and gorgeous for at least a year longer than we would have without our Tesseract friendly vacation, you know? So there are definitely pluses to our little adventure. Outside of your killer back rubs, that is.” He shifted, reaching for the book once again. “Sometimes I wonder how much the Tesseract ‘knows’ about what it’s doing. Like, the reason it pulls people from one place and not another, or sends them back? And these gifts - did it know that pulling this from your world and putting it back in your hands would make you re-evaluate what you were doing here for your career… maybe make you think about doing something different? How much is what it does random? How much of it is specific - made to trigger a certain event? Or maybe I’m just… putting too much into it. Maybe I want it to mean more than it does - to not just be random, but to have some meaning.” Mulder leafed through the book gently and then put it back on the table. “Or maybe there isn’t some greater meaning, maybe it’s only ever the meaning we create for something…” he paused. “But I don’t really believe that. I don’t want to believe that.” “I don’t know but even if that’s not what it intended, that’s what it did which isn’t a bad thing. And the being young and gorgeous for another year has its perks. Although remember I’ve seen what you’re going to look like in twenty years and you’re still hot so you have nothing to worry about.” She leaned over and kissed him. “Thank you. For being here I mean. Maybe the Tesseract worked it so we’d both be here at the same time. I like to think it did anyway.” Mulder smiled and returned the kiss. “You’re welcome, Christine. I suppose that’s a distinct possibility. It depends on how smart that little blue cube is I suppose.” He glanced over at the glass of water he’d gotten her. “I don’t suppose you have anything stronger in that kitchen of yours. We could break that out and turn on the television and watch really mockable shows - seeing as how the alternative seems to be me turning into a regular philosopher for the evening.” “Sometimes I think it’s smarter than we know,” she said and smiled at him. “As a matter of fact, I do have something stronger. The Asgaardians gave me a bottle of their wine as a thanks for coming to help. I had some while I was there and let me tell you, it’s most definitely stronger than anything I could buy at the liquor store.” Christine got up and handed him the television remote. “You find something ridiculous and I’ll get the wine. As much as I appreciate your philosophy, I think partying like a Norse god seems like a good plan.” She kissed him on the forehead and went into the kitchen. |