sam winchester (neversurrender) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-12-04 20:46:00 |
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Entry tags: | !thread, dean winchester, sam winchester |
Who: Sam & Dean
What: discussing this world versus their world at home.
When: Wednesday evening
Where: Dean's apartment.
Warnings: Potential spoilers for SPN 9x09, and feels. Otherwise TBD.
Well, Sam had said he was going to jump straight into studying, and he did plan to do that. But there was something he needed to do first, before he could fully concentrate on his work. Something which took priority over studying, anyway. Which was, naturally, something pertaining to his brother.
He had groceries to drop off anyway; he was still in the habit of buying those for his brother, even now that he wasn't living at home. It was a simple way of making sure he never let too many days go by without stopping in, leaving something that showed he'd been there even if neither Dean nor Charlie had been around. It was his way of saying that he wasn't going to leave his brother behind even though life had taken him out of the same apartment, but without actually saying it. Their best forms of communication were the kind that involved no words at all, generally.
But sometimes words were necessary. Something needed to be said regarding what Sam had seen about their future, and more importantly, how he felt about it. He still wanted to spare his brother the actual details, as had been their agreement all along, and he actually intended-- or hoped, really-- that what he had to say would make this world a little easier on Dean. But he didn't know if it would, or not. All he knew was that he had been the one to say they should be better about talking to each other, and he was going to keep his end of that deal.
"So, here's the thing," he said, when he'd put the groceries away except for two beers and the pie, and he'd slid two of those three things over to Dean, keeping one of the beers for himself. "Our future at home sucks, Dean. It's crap. That's not news, I know-- we've both known that for a while. But it's gotten to the point where I really can't... I really don't feel like more good is coming out of it than bad. Not for you, not for me, not even for our world. And I don't..." This was the part that was hard to admit. "Unless something happens to show me that my life there is actually going to be worth some good, rather than just one thing you have to save me from after another, and you and innocent people getting hurt in the process... I'd rather just be here."
He paused for a moment, and then continued, "You could see it, you know, as saving me from all of that. If we stayed here, I won't go to hell. I won't lose my soul, or my mind, or leave you in purgatory. I won't nearly die in the trials. I can't guarantee that nothing bad will happen to me here-- that's not how this universe works, or how our lives work-- but I think there's a good chance things'll go better. At home, it's all just... fucked up beyond repair. I think, even if we could try to change things when we went home, we'd just end up in different fucked up situations."
He'd gotten almost all of it out, now. There was just one last piece. "But that said, if there's something back there that's worth all of that to you-- if you'd take that life over this one, for the sake of our world or our purpose or..." He shrugged, indicating that he didn't really know what reasons Dean would have. "Then it'd be worth it for me to go back home, eventually, too. I'm just having trouble seeing it."