Siri (tachisiri) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-08-30 22:33:00 |
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Siri Tachi wasn’t experiencing the paranormal phenomenon that seemed to be plaguing the residents of Potts Tower. She hadn’t seen a single ghost, and certainly none from her own time, her own past. Still, Siri Tachi was a Padawan - no, a fully-fledged Jedi; she still wasn’t used to thinking that of herself - who was very, very in tune with the Living Force; regardless of the fact that she wasn’t experiencing these entities herself, she was still experiencing the overwhelm of emotions swirling in the air around her from those who were. She could feel the bittersweet joy, could almost taste the heartbreak and sorrow. If meditating on a normal day was difficult for Siri in this place, it was nothing compared to the difficulties she was experiencing finding inner peace this week.
Of course, she had known immediately that Obi-Wan hadn’t been so lucky to escape the ghosts. At first she had felt the pain and confusion, just as raw and poignantly as if it were happening to herself, and then - after attempting to pinpoint the source of the burn - she had felt it. Master Qui-Gon… It had been four years since she’d seen the kindly Jedi master alive, but his presence was as familiar as the peaceful halls of the Jedi Temple on Coruscant to Siri. It took everything in her to not just drop in on Obi-Wan unannounced - but she resisted, instead reaching out to him from a safe distance. But of course, he had responded immediately, and had invited her over without any hesitation. And why wouldn’t he? She was the only one in this world who had known Master Qui-Gon. It made sense. Of course he would ask her to come down.
So she had come directly down, quickly, arriving outside of his door within minutes of accepting the invitation. After a quiet but brisk knock outside of his apartment, she placed her palm against the wood paneling, reaching out to find out what she was about to meet. Preparing. Obi-Wan was extremely good at keeping his emotions in check, but this...this she couldn’t quite imagine.
Since Qui-Gon’s death, Obi-Wan had had the occasional dream about him. There had even been times when he’d appeared as a presence..for lack of a better word..and he could hear his voice instructing him. He had seen himself do the same thing to Luke in the movies but this was altogether different. This wasn’t a dream, this was a waking nightmare because he kept seeing the same thing over and over again. The last moments of Qui-Gon’s life, the duel with Darth Maul, Obi-Wan’s inability to get there quick enough and then his master dying at the hands of the Sith apprentice. It followed him everywhere, even sleeping didn’t make it go away not that he’d been able to do much of that, and going to work had been a struggle for him. Many others were going through the same thing and he could sense their pain along with his own which only made matters worse. When he’d felt Siri’s touch in his mind, it had been like a breath of fresh air and he hadn’t hesitated when she’d asked him if he needed anything. He needed her, not just because she had known Qui-Gon and would understand how painful this was for him but because she was Siri and even though she’d been gone from his life for some time, he had never stopped thinking about her and wishing she were with him when he felt alone or afraid.
When she knocked on the door, he was there in seconds and tried to smile when he opened the door. It was no use though because he didn’t have it in him and he could only imagine how he must look to Siri. He hadn’t slept more than a few minutes in twenty-four hours, he was dressed in his Jedi tunic instead of the clothes he normally wore when he was outside his apartment, his hair was sticking up in eight different directions from his nervous habit of running his hands through it when something was bothering him and there was no trace of the calm, put together Jedi Master that usually lived in Obi-Wan’s skin. “Siri,” he said when he saw her and without thinking, he took her hands and pulled her into the apartment, holding onto them tightly. “Thank the Force you’re here.”
It wasn't just the way Obi-Wan looked when he opened the door - exhausted and disheveled, which was very unlike him - that was immediately unsettling to Siri. It was his whole energy, which was frantic and maybe even a bit frightened. Siri had only seen this side to him a few times in their lives. They'd been faced with certain situations where it was completely natural for them to fear for their lives - Jedi or not, they were still human. Sometimes emotions couldn't be repressed, as much as that's what they were taught. Immediately, Siri pushed those disparaging thoughts from her mind. It wasn't the Jedi way, first of all. Secondly, now was not the time.
Because right now Obi-Wan was looking at Siri with those eyes, and tugging her into the threshold of the apartment. The moment was a bit of an electrical shock for Siri. Although the two of them worked together so well, and were very close, the last time they had really touched had been…well. She watched him carefully as he spoke, trying to reach out to the Force to create a calming sort of blanket around the two of them. Immediately, she snapped into compassionate Jedi mode -- compassionate friend mode. "Here, sit," she murmured as she led him to his own couch, perching on the cushion alongside him. "Can I get you anything? Tea, perhaps?"
He let her lead him to the couch and sat down, looking over at her. “Tea yes, that would be good,” he said and ran a hand through his hair. “Thank you for coming, Siri. This thing, whatever it is, I’ve never experienced anything like it.” He was grateful for the calming energy she had sent out, it did help to soothe him even though he could still see the images that had been haunting him. “I’m frightened, Siri. That’s something that I’m not used to, something that I thought I had learned to control but nothing prepared me for this.” Obi-Wan sighed and let go of her hand. “I should let you go so you can make the tea,” he said with a small smile.
Siri mirrored his sad sort of smile for a moment, before breaking her gaze to set to work in his small kitchen. She glanced over her shoulder to let him know she was still paying attention. "I haven't experienced it myself, but I've felt it in many of the other refugees…" She didn't want to come off as unfeeling about this, because of course the opposite was true. She had to admit she was curious, however, so when she asked the next question, it was kindly, and gentle. "What is it you're experiencing? Are they…feelings? Visions?" Siri didn't necessarily want to admit that she didn't know because she rarely paid attention to the trivial comings and goings of the people on the network, although she realized, smiling to herself, that that was actually the truth. Once the kettle was set on Obi-Wan's stove, she returned to him on the couch, curling her legs beneath her in typical Siri fashion as she twisted to face him more directly. "Would you like to talk about it, or would you like the quiet?"
“I need to talk about it,” he said with a nod. Obi-Wan had been fighting this alone since the visions had started and he knew that it was time to let someone else help him even if it was difficult to admit he needed help. “It’s almost like seeing a ghost really,” he began. “except for the fact that it’s more a scene than just seeing Master Qui-Gon’s ghost. I keep seeing the moment of his death. The minutes leading up to it when I was trying to get to him but I wasn’t able to, Darth Maul was too quick. Then I see it…” he took a shaky breath. “I watch him die and the worst part is that I feel it all over again as well. The helplessness, the horror at how he was cut down and the anger that I felt which made me go after Darth Maul. That’s what I see and it keeps repeating. Like a holo-vid stuck on the same scene over and over again.. It follows me everywhere I go, waking and sleeping or actually not sleeping because when I close my eyes, it’s still there. It’s almost like I could talk to him but of course I can’t.”
Siri listened intently, blue eyes trained on Obi-Wan as he spoke. She pursed her lips once he finished, and nodded resolutely. "It sounds a lot like the visions that come to us in the caves of Ilum," she decided, despite the fact that of course, as someone who hadn't experienced this phenomenon herself, she didn't really have the right to do so. "You just have to remember to feel the fear, feel the anger and pain, let yourself feel it, acknowledge it, and then let it go." Once again, Siri caught herself spouting off the same lessons they'd learned at the same time during their training. She smiled a bit, realizing not for the first time that she wasn't surprised to discover she took on her own Padawan straight away. But Obi-Wan was not her Padawan, and this probably wasn't helping. She reached out to place a hand on his arm, as she attempted to channel in her uncharacteristic compassion instead. "I know it's easier said than done."
Obi-Wan laid his hand on top of hers and sighed. Her touch was comforting and for a moment he just sat there, letting himself feel it, giving in to the emotions that she aroused in him. Emotions that he’d thought he’d dealt with a long time ago. “Thank you Master Yoda,” he said dryly, his sense of humor showing briefly. “but yes it’s easier said than done. The difference here is that it doesn’t go away. In the caves once you’d faced it, you could leave it behind. This isn’t like that. It’s constant and even letting myself feel it….doesn’t help. I’m not sure why Master Qui-Gon is who appeared to me and not someone else.” He was thinking of Anakin and the guilt he still felt over what had happened with him. Anakin hadn’t died though, he’s been saved at the last minute by the Emperor and eventually redeemed by his son. Maybe that was the difference. Obi-Wan hadn’t been able to save Qui-Gon even though he’d tried and when he had dueled with Aankin, it had been Darth Vader he had faced and not the young man he loved like a brother.
Siri was surprised at how comforting it was to be sitting here with Obi-Wan, letting the unspoken emotions pass between them. When the kettle started whistling on the stove, she almost made a noise of impatience out loud at the timing. Still, there was very little noticeable hesitation in her swift movements as she got up to move across the room. "Do your feelings tell you you'll be experiencing this for a long time?" she asked, quickly bustling about with preparing a cup for Obi-Wan and pouring the water. "Have they told you anything at all?" She of course knew that the 'someone else' he was referring to was Anakin; although she'd watched the films, she still had a hard time reconciling the headstrong young Padawan she had recently met with the man who would go on to betray the Jedi. Perhaps that's why she was also curious about why it was Obi-Wan's old master who was appearing to him instead. Finished with her work, she carried the cup carefully back over to Obi-Wan, holding it out to him silently before taking her seat again.
“Thank you,” he said and took the cup from her. “No, it doesn’t feel as if it will be a long term thing. In fact it seems to be getting somewhat better but that might be because you’re here and I can sense your comfort. I’m very curious though as to what it all means and why it’s happening to some and not to others. At least from what I’ve felt, it doesn’t seem to be happening to everyone here.”
Siri shrugged, reaching up to impatiently push a strand of hair out of her face. She had become so used to having it cropped short while undercover that, now that it was growing out again, she was finding it more trouble than it was really worth. At least it was the right color now. "It hasn't been everyone. Me, for example." Siri was beginning to sense she had gotten lucky in that regard. Seeing Obi-Wan so not on top of his emotions was a rare sight, and it was at least mildly distressing. She was glad to be able to offer some sort of comfort.
"Maybe it's like the Tesseract? I mean, it wouldn't be the first thing about this world that's seemed completely random." Although Siri was still convinced that there had been some rhyme or reason to the fact that everyone from their particular world that had been brought to this place were all connected somehow along their galaxy's timeline, she found herself growing increasingly frustrated with some of the banality she saw on the network - regardless of how often she tried to allow the Living Force to remind her that every life was symbiotically important. "Have you heard of anyone being visited by…I don't know. Friendly visions?"
Obi-Wan shook his head. “I haven’t spoken to anyone but everything I’ve allowed to let myself sense has been feelings of distress. It seems that people are seeing those that they had unfinished business with so to speak or someone whose death they questioned...in my case a death that I wished I could have prevented. I’ve had to concentrate very hard to keep my mind closed because all the negative energy coupled with my own visions was painful as you can imagine.” He had reached out to those he knew best of course and had been relieved that they all seemed to not be experiencing anything. “I did reach out to you as well as Luke, Leia and Shmi. You were the ones that I was most concerned about. I tried to reach out to Solo but he’s hard to read since he doesn’t appear to be Force sensitive or else he’s too stubborn to let me into his mind.” He gave Siri a rueful smile.
“I don’t understand the randomity of it at all. I think you’re right though. It is like the Tesseract and some people are targeted and not others. Like Mara recently woke up with ten years of new memories and new Jedi abilities. I know that’s happened to others as well. It makes no sense.” He took a sip of tea and drew a shaky breath. Things seemed to be settling down but he wasn’t sure if it was because of Siri or because whatever had caused this visions to appear was loosening its grip on his mind. Obi-Wan only knew that he felt better.
Siri truly did feel badly for Obi-Wan. It was clear the distress he was in, and it was all the more poignant now that she was sitting beside him and could get a clearer read on him. Part of her itched to reach out and embrace him; she wasn't entirely sure if she was ready to let herself do that. Being here had begun to take a toll on her; seeing the future of the Order was both alarming and bittersweet, and when things were especially quiet, she found herself beginning to question the mandates they were taught in the Temple. It scared her. She didn't want to question any of it. So as soon as the thoughts cropped up, she'd push them away.
It was no different now. Siri shifted in her seat a bit before deciding it might be best for both of them if she could help to take their minds off the subject. The two of them had discussed the Tesseract before, and it was a conversation she couldn't quite shake. Especially with the recent news of Mara receiving new memories, she was more anxious than ever to get a closer look and feel for the mysterious thing. She told Obi-Wan this now. "I think it would be helpful for us to understand the Tesseract better." She pursed her lips. "There's a chance that, were we to get too close, it might send us back home. I think I'm willing to take that risk in order to fully grasp what forces are at work here."
Obi-Wan knew what she was trying to do and he was grateful for it. Something else to focus on than the images he kept seeing, images that haunted his dreams enough as it was. “I agree with you. I’m not sure about it sending us back home though. There are scientists who study it on a daily basis and I’m not sure if any of them have been taken. They very well could have been.” Many of the names that appeared on the SHIELD notices didn’t mean anything to him anyway but from time to time someone’s name would ring a bell. “SHIELD keeps everything well segregated. I know the people in my Cell but I’m not familiar with who is in the others. It’s as if they only want us to know so much and nothing more. Which does make sense in a way, it’s good strategy.” He was trying to look at this from a tactical standpoint, as someone in command would think about it but when you were dealing with something that could quite literally change your life in a heartbeat, it was hard to maintain a professional distance.
“I wonder if Mara would help us try and get a closer look at it? With her added skills as well as yours and mine, we might be able to get in there and out again without anyone realizing we had done so.” Obi-Wan gave Siri a small grin. “Of course some might find clouding the minds of the guards a bit….unethical...but I have no issues with it. One must do what one must do after all.”