Amara Carroll / Maid Marian (needsofthemany) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-06-27 01:10:00 |
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After Jim’s drunken encounter on Father’s Day with Carol and Spock, he lay low for a few days and then swallowed his embarrassment and moved on. He did many embarrassing things in his day, that honestly didn’t rate near to the top at the end of the day. And he was able to keep from anything truly revealing in his texts with Spock. Some part of him was still aware enough to know when to stop, and he was endlessly grateful for that. So after a little time he recovered from watching the first three movies, and cheerfully suggested to move on with the others. Spock rarely said no to him. Popcorn was again made and while he was anxious at first, the fourth movie ended up being quite funny. Jim relaxed quickly while watching and laughed several times, occasionally leaning over to whap Spock in the arm whenever he tried to swear in the movie. Good times all around. The fifth one was interesting, although he glanced over to see if Spock was doing all right due to his brother Sybok’s fate. At least they managed to survive, in no small park thanks to his First Officer. There was a special softness in his look to Spock after they reunited, and ‘not in front of the Klingons.’ He took a break after that one to order them food, salad and veggies for Spock and a burger for himself, and then they moved on. “Captain Sulu, look at that.” Jim smiled, he was glad to see what all his crew went on to do. They were excellent officers and commanders themselves. He might have been slightly sorry to see that i was the end of the Enterprise from there, but it seemed like a satisfying conclusion. Except this was Jim Kirk so of course he wouldn’t stop when it was smart. Instead he held up the seventh movie. He knew very well he died in it, and because he was a glutton for punishment, he couldn’t leave it alone. He did say seeing his own death wouldn’t be a big problem, and he wanted to prove it. And in the end, when he got to see Picard and his crew and more of that story … he really was fine with it. Strange, yes, and surreal, but he felt fairly secure in the end. After it was done he chewed on a french fry, Bones would kill him if he knew he was eating this way, and shrugged. “I can’t say that’s exactly how I pictured it, but it was close enough. Much better than dying old and weak in bed.” For a man of action like Jim, that was the worst possible end scenario for him. Fighting in battle, for good, for lives, that was the way to go. “No wonder his crew seemed to act like children when I first showed up, however. We were their heroes.” He had to smile. It was nice to think about, the legacy they left behind. Spock had been happy to continue to watch the movies and was also more than happy to leave any discussion of the text conversation alone. It was hardly the first time that he had dealt with the Captain when he was drunk and he was beginning to think he had read far too much into it, spurred by his own confusing and occasionally traitorous emotions. The remaining movies were less fraught with the same kind of tension as the first ones had engendered, especially the fourth one. Spock even refrained from commenting on the number of times they breached the Prime Directive. In truth, their efforts had been quite adequate given the somewhat slapdash nature of the entire plan and even he was able to see the humour in many of the situations in which the crew found themselves. The fifth however was less amusing. While Sybok was only six years older than him, they had never been particularly close, as much because Sybok had only come to live with them after his mother T’Rea’s death as because their respective philosophies were so different. And in truth, he had been quietly resentful of the older boy when they were young. Sybok, the pure Vulcan son of Sarek, had been rejecting everything that Spock had to fight for. He didn’t have the experience to understand why back then and then Sybok had been declared Ktorr Skann and any chance of understanding had disappeared. Yet, despite all of that, he found, as he watched the movie, that he was genuinely regretful for that lack. He was grateful for the break afterwards to allow him to briefly linger on what had happened and wonder whether it would be possible to change it if they were taken back to their own world. “He always did have great potential and ambition,” Spock replied when they started watching the sixth movie. It was pleasing to see the crew they had served with achieve their goals. While he himself had no particular desire to command, he knew that Sulu did and he had done well. The seventh movie was certainly intriguing at first. It was clearly some years after the last and he wondered at his own absence, though if his understanding of his own timeline was correct, he may well have been busy with diplomatic duties. He was not however surprised to see Jim spring into action when the ship was in danger. He wondered whether in that future, he’d simply accepted that Jim was dead. He wondered if the ‘white noise’ he heard in the back of his mind that had always been labelled ‘Jim’ was still present. He suspected that would have been the key factor for him. “I suspect I would not have been surprised when I was told,” he said after a moment. He also suspected that Mr Scott and Dr McCoy would have demanded he join them in a wake despite the fact he could not actually get drunk on alcohol. “They were most enthusiastic when I first arrived as I expect we might be should the crew of the first Enterprise arrive or perhaps even someone like Zefram Cochrane.” He knew that a later movie featured Cochrane though he had not yet had an opportunity to watch it. “I’m sorry about Sybok. It seemed like you two were complicated at best, but it’s never easy to lose family.” Jim reached over to touch Spock on the shoulder, and he was suddenly reminded of a feeling of awkwardness. The things he nearly said, that could’ve messed up everything. Or become the start of something. He knew better than that. Spock wasn’t interested and the last thing he wanted to do was put pressure on his friend. If he was uncomfortable with it, it didn’t show at least. He pushed that away and focused. His expression was quizzical when Spock said he wasn’t surprised. “Why do you say that? Then again, you must’ve known sooner or later I’d get myself into fatal trouble.” Jim shrugged. No one liked to see their death, but overall it was fine. Seeing David and Spock die was far worse, as he expected. He realized he was still touching Spock and pulled his hand away, keeping it busy by playing with his french fry leftovers. He heard Bones yelling at him. If only he was there for real yelling at him. Seeing them camping made him think of his other best friend. He hoped it didn’t come down to never being together again. The three of them simply worked best as a team. “It’s great to see how Starfleet has expanded and gotten stronger in the future. They seem like an excellent crew, both the future Enterprise and the Voyager. It’s strange to think anyone else was her Captain, but it’s only natural.” Picard seemed like a good man. His people loved and trusted him, and that said everything. “I’m glad we saw the whales one. If only to hear you use hell over and over and in the wrong context.” He grinned, teasing him. Spock was silent for a moment though he certainly did not object to Jim’s touch. “I did not know Sybok well. He lived with T’Rea until her death and only then came to live with us. I confess I found his presence... unsettling.” He frowned minutely as he remembered finding Sybok in the garden after T’Rea’s memorial. The older boy had been... crying. His youthful self had found that very disturbing, even more so when Sybok had told him that he rejected Surak’s teachings. “He left when I was about twelve.” And Spock had been having enough difficulties with his classmates that the disappearance of his half-brother had not been high on the list of things he particularly cared about. He gave Jim a look of very restrained affection. “Only that I know you would much prefer to die doing something useful and saving the lives of others so hearing that was what had occurred would not be a surprise.” He felt an odd regret when Jim pulled his hand away. It was inappropriate to... to enjoy Jim’s touch as much as he did, to enjoy the low level mental contact that came with it. He felt almost as if he was taking advantage of his friend. He was aware on some level that his mother took similar liberties with his father and that his father did not ever object but the implications of that in regards to himself were not something he had chosen to face as yet. “Starfleet does seem to have given her to a good man,” he observed. His impressions of Jean-Luc Picard had been good and the man’s crew held him in high regard and were obviously he friends as well as his colleagues. Both were excellent signs. He arched an eyebrow and looked rather prim. “I believe my usage of the word ‘damn’ was entirely correct however.” “I can see how he would be. He seems very different from the Vulcan way of life.” Jim was being careful in the wording of that, because he didn’t want to indicate one way or another if he agreed with emotions over logic. Clearly Sybok made a grave mistake and was willing to die to make up for it. Jim respected Spock more than anyone else in the world. He wouldn’t want him to be any other way. “My brother picked a different path than I did. I know it’s not the same, but I hope that having closure with Sybok made him less unsettling to you. In some way.” He smiled to Spock and shrugged. “I am what I am. I’m mostly thankful I didn’t end up taking the rest of you along with me. There were a few times I was afraid I’d do exactly that.” Jim knew that he had his moments of reckless abandon. He didn’t always make the wisest decisions as Captain. He put his people in harm’s way. Many died under his command. Each death weighed on him. It was easy to keep that tally in his head, and be grateful the others survived. And thrived! Jim laughed at Spock’s insistence on using damn correctly. “I can’t argue that, but it’s funny to hear you use them. Also using the nerve pinch on a punk. I fear I’ve been a terrible influence on you, long term, or so other Vulcans might think.” Spock went against logic several times because of Jim. He was emotionally compromised more than he’d admit, which was something they both knew but Jim didn’t push out of respect. He could see why fans got the wrong idea about them. “I saw some of the new movies on my own. It just ended up happening when I was looking at … fanvideos.” It wasn’t just the fanfiction. He was too curious to let it stop there. Spock looked down at the cover of the movie in question then back at Jim. “I was quite young when Sybok came to live with us and I was... struggling with my heritage. Vulcan children are no different to any other child and can be quite cruel. Halfbreed was not an uncommon word thrown in my direction. My father expected me to live up an ideal that seemed unattainable while simultaneously and likely quite unconsciously sending me the message I was somehow inferior because of my human heritage. Sybok...” He fell silent. This was not something he had spoken of all that often and mostly it had been childish complaints to his mother. He trusted Jim with it though which was why he continued. “Sybok was, to my childish eyes, everything I was not. Well-trained and proficient in the mind rules. Pure Vulcan. For him to then reject all of that, all that I wished to be, seemed... unthinkable. Outlandish. Selfish even.” His expression became rather thoughtful. “I cannot say whether the path he sought was a better one. It did not work out well for him but that was not entirely his fault and in the end, he proved his worth. I believe I can understand him better now.” His expression seemed to lighten somewhat. “I still do not agree with his decision but I can now understand why he might choose it and I respect his choices.” He arched an eyebrow at Jim and his tone was very dryly amused. “From all that I know and all that I have seen, it is unlikely that you would ‘drag’ any of us with you. We all seemed quite adept at running along beside you of our free will.” He had not always agreed with Jim’s decisions. It had taken time to understand that when Jim rejected his perfectly logical advice for his own often reckless plans that he was not ignoring what Spock had said or belittling it. He considered it, took it on board and made his decision from there. He simply chose another path to the one Spock advised. Most of the time it worked out well. “The nerve pinch is an effective, logical and non-lethal way of dealing with... problematic people,” he said with a perfectly bland expression. “Many Vulcans never leave the planet so I am disinclined to put much weight on their opinions of the influence of humans. I simply prefer to think of it as I have gained an appreciation of the value of other ways of thinking.” Not that illogical thinking came easily. Except where Jim was concerned, if he was being honest. One eyebrow went up again at the mention of fanvideos. He’d seen references to them but had not viewed any. The references had made it plain that the videos had a tendency to concentrate on something which he knew he could not have but that part of him yearned for so he settled for saying, “I have seen such videos spoken of however I find much of this era’s music to be somewhat lacking in musical merit.” Jim never took for granted that Spock opened up to him. He was always surprised when the Vulcan shared with him personal stories, and that made it special. Sympathy flickered on his face as he listened to Spock, not interrupting and simply listening to what he was saying. He intellectually knew his friend must have struggled with these things before, but hearing him admit it put things in sharper perspective. “It’s probably very illogical to say I wish I could’ve been there to hurl a few equally childish insults their way on your behalf.” Jim had a deep dislike of bullies, and he was on the receiving end of a few in his past. Never to this extent. “It seems like a common desire for all races and species to want answers for why people do the things they do. We’ve seen it before, when alien cultures tested us or questioned why we’d pick one fate over another.” Jim could count numerous times they’d faced a situation like that. And he was always questioning the motives of other people. It was a unifying theme in a lot of ways. “And then when it’s our own family, something you’d think you know the best, it’s more complicated. I for one am very glad your path led you in a different direction than if you were a full Vulcan, Spock. Otherwise you would’ve never joined Starfleet, and probably court martialed me on my first day.” He smiled at the last and winked to his friend. “I’m a mad captain with a mad crew. I’m blessed.” He was proud of each and every one of them. If only he could tell them so right now. Instead Jim listened to Spock’s reasoning for the nerve pinch and laughed. “Oh yes, he was very problematic. That terrible music of his might have seriously harmed your ears.” And apparently any type of modern music, since Spock went on to criticize the music of the fanvideos. “But I thought you embraced the idea of trying new things and appreciating the value of other ways of thinking. Doesn’t music and modern culture fall under that umbrella?” Jim tried to keep a serious face, but there was no way to lose that teasing gleam in his eyes. “They would be heartbroken to know you don’t like their emotional tributes.” The barest of smiles ghosted across Spock’s face. He could believe that of his friend though he wondered if it would have made things better or worse. “I did get into a few fist fights,” he admittedly with a touch of embarrassment. “But I eventually found a far better way to fight back. I learn how to ‘hack’ into the school’s computers and sabotage their assignments and projects. Unfortunately I was also caught.” The punishment had been well worth the crime, though it had been acutely embarrassing at the time to be lectured by his father in front of his classmates and be forced to apologise to them. The only thing that had alleviated it was the look of amused pride he’d briefly seen on his mother’s face before she’d hidden it. “I do not regret the decision I made to join Starfleet,” he said thoughtfully. “I had been aware from some time that the answers I sought were not likely to be found on Vulcan and certainly not at the Science Academy. I only regret that I caused my mother so many years of distress.” And after spending some time speaking privately with his parents before they arrived at the Babel Conference, he believed he knew why his father had reacted the way he had while he had been growing up. He hadn’t entirely assimilated all that had been spoken of but it seemed his father was simply trying to protect him. “I have embraced many new things and appreciate the value of many new ways of thinking since my arrival here,” he said primly but again with that ghost of a smile on his face. “However I can find no recognisable merit in the music my colleagues colloquially call ‘doof-doof music’.” It was an appalling term for some appalling music in his mind. “Nor for some of the other music that is prevalent which I can only describe as caterwauling.” He arched an eyebrow at Jim and endeavoured to look innocent. “Dare I ask what the music in these videos is like?” Spock’s small smiles were basically grins, at least from Jim’s standpoint. He only saw Spock truly smile once, when he found out Jim survived the pon farr battle after all, and it simply put was a beautiful sight. Enough to take his breath away, when he thought about it, but he tried not to. He wouldn’t mind seeing a smile like that again, but the small ones were triumphs enough. “Fist fights! My, my, Mr. Spock, I’m learning all kinds of new things about you. And you sabotaged them too.” Jim’s grin was wicked, shared amusement with his friend for his “bad” behavior. “You were rebellious for your people. I’m not the only bad boy on the Enterprise, how about that.” He had a reputation and he knew about it. He was a good officer, but he was also free with his love, so to speak, and not terribly fond of the rules. It was fun to think of Spock as similar in his own way. “It’s normal to want to impress your parents, and it’s difficult when the opposite happens. But I met your parents, Spock. Everything they felt for you was clear, even your father. Or maybe I’m just good at reading you and therefore him.” Jim was close with his father, albeit with some hiccups on the way, and his mother as well. He set his leftover french fries on the coffee table and licked the salt off his fingers. It was not good manners, but he figured Spock would forgive him. Bones would’ve been on him though. “Tell me, what answers did you find in Starfleet? Or are you still searching for them now?” Spock calling anything doof-doof was automatically hilarious and Jim found himself laughing again, this time longer. And hard enough he almost had to take a deep breath afterward to get control of himself. “You have a way with words, such a way.” Jim was free with his smiles and laughter, he liked to do a great deal of both, but no one could inspire it quite like the Vulcan. “The music is varied. Some of it humorous and light, some of it serious and r---” He cut off saying romantic and continued with barely a beat. “Realistic. I have to eventually look back at our show one of these days. Did you watch the rest of it, the parts you have not lived?” Yup just keep on talking and hopefully not dwelling on his faux pas moments before. Spock was rather inwardly amused that Jim would find his childhood peccadillos so amusing and enjoy them so much. “I was taught the mind rules at an early age however a child’s patience only goes so far when it comes to insults being thrown around,” he said dryly. He did not mention that the worst of the fights had come about when the other children insulted his mother. Love was not a term Vulcans used lightly but what child did not love his mother? He certainly had and did and he refused to see her insulted by the children he’d grown up with. He considered that. Certainly he’d never had any difficulty knowing what his mother felt. She had never been anything other than human when he was growing up. His father had often seemed like an unreadable monolith and yet, even as a boy, he’d assumed that his father must at least care about his mother. “Possibly, though it is equally possible that I simply did not wish to see what was there to be seen in regards to my father.” He looked over at the television set for a moment as he thought back to those years. “A place to belong. Curiosity about my mother’s heritage and whether it had any validity for me. Curiosity about what was beyond the borders of Vulcan.” “I have found some answers but there are others that I still seek and some others that I will likely never find a truly definitive answer for,” he continued. “I believe my father now understand why I chose Starfleet over the Academy.” He made a small gesture with one hand. “He found my mother on Earth, far from his home. She has found contentment on Vulcan, far from her home. Perhaps it is only fitting that the place I call home is neither of those two settings.” It was a conclusion he had come to after his arrival here, when the thing he had missed the most was his home on the Enterprise. Spock would freely admit to himself, if no one else, that he enjoyed making Jim laugh. It was illogical but he still did it at nearly every opportunity that presented itself. He did not entirely understand humour but he had worked out what made Jim laugh. He wasn’t overly keen on analysing why. “I shall have to investigate these videos then,” he said though his curiosity had been caught by Jim’s small verbal stumble. One that he seemed keen to cover up, judging by his quick change of subject. It made him wonder what Jim had been intending to say. “Yes, I did watch the rest of the show,” he said, finally deciding not to call attention to the stumble. “I was most interesting.” “If you did perceive him to be disappointed by you or your heritage, I can see why you wouldn’t be able to see anything else from him for some time. It must not have been easy for either of them to see you being teased because of it either. I daresay parents always wish to protect their children from everything, no matter how impossible that is.” There was a bittersweet twist to his words there, considering David, but he wasn’t going to dwell on that issue again. It didn’t seem like it was a wound anywhere near ready to heal, and picking at it wasn’t going to help. “You’re right, those are questions you definitely wouldn’t get answered staying on Vulcan. Vulcan’s loss was our gain.” Jim smiled when Spock confirmed the Enterprise was his home, because that was exactly the way he felt. “I could never stay land locked for long. It’s funny, I keep romanticizing the idea of planet-side living, and then I get there and want to get back to the stars.” They were enjoying that camping trip in the fifth movie, but Jim knew he would start itching for his chair soon enough. It was fitting he never left space in the end, and that he died still on an adventure. He was miserable as an Admiral and trapped in paperwork and official functions. “The Enterprise is more than a ship to us. It’s fitting.” It was why he ordinarily would have difficulty knowing anyone else took her name, and why he was glad Picard and his team turned out to be people he would have wanted on his team anyway. “I’ll send you some of the more humorous ones. I’m not sure how funny they’d seem to you, but you never know.” Jim wavered on the brim of something he wanted to say, but uncertain if it was something that should be said. It went down a road he wasn’t entirely prepared to explain. It was a subject he still mulled over himself, and at the same time, he felt like he owed Spock an apology at least. Then again, the Vulcan probably brushed it off. Hesitating on that edge, he finally decide to step off it, because he was Jim Kirk and no one accused him of being too smart. “I should apologize for what happened on Father’s Day. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Any other drunken nights, I’ll be sure to turn the phone off first.” He was positive if he didn’t, Spock would end up getting another message. “Our perception is invariably clearer with the benefit of hindsight,” Spock said. In his case, hindsight and the recent mending of the fence between himself and his father. “The chance to speak without descending into argument before he and Mother left for the conference was edifying.” It seemed they had both had some misconceptions about each other’s behaviour and opinions. Amanda had gotten quite exasperated with both of them. “Admiral Pike has expressed much the same sentiment when I have spoken to him and on occasion during our chess games.” He had enjoyed reconnecting with Pike, even if it wasn’t quite the same Christopher Pike he had known. “In fact, it seems to be a common sentiment for many in Starfleet.” Spock had not spent enough time planet-side since he had been commissioned to know whether it was true for him though after watching the movies, he suspected it was. It wasn’t as though he had settled down on Vulcan or anywhere else after retiring. He had become a diplomat and apparently taken on the trickiest of assignments, including the conundrum of the Romulans. He was rather surprised when Jim broached the subject of the odd conversation they’d had on Father’s Day. He had assumed the Captain wished to brush the entire thing under the carpet. His conversation regarding it with Mulder had been edifying yet inconclusive and he’d simply set the matter aside. “There is no need to apologise, Jim. I was neither uncomfortable nor offended.” He paused and debated whether he should simply leave it at that or whether he should broach the subject further. Mulder had asked him whether his interpretations were reasonable ones and he had been unable to accurately answer the question. Vulcans valued and protected their privacy and Spock tended to give that same consideration to his crewmates so there were things about the Captain he did not know. “I was curious, I suppose.” He paused again and then, to use one of his mother’s favourite phrases, he went in for a penny. “I am aware of a potential source for these... fanfiction stories you were reading. I will, in the future, refer to you as my t’hy’la. It is a Vulcan word most commonly translated as ‘friend’. However it can equally be translated as ‘brother’ or ‘lover’. It appears many authors have chosen one of these other definitions as the basis for their stories.” “I think half of my conversations with my parents turned into arguments too, well into my adult years. In our case it was mostly affectionate.” The Kirks were all a boisterous group. Friendly, gregarious, prone to teasing each other. They had their fights and problems just like anyone else, but emotion was something he was always taught to embrace. Jim had a stiff upper lip, and at the same time accepted his feelings freely. “Everything is clearer in hindsight.” Jim smiled. “What, the space homesickness or the Enterprise as family? I’m guessing both.” He was going to have trouble soon. He could already feel it itching, the desire to run away, to not be confined to one place. He knew when Pike mentioned helping space travel here, it was in part out of needing, wanting to go back where they belonged. Jim was a dreamer, but even he knew that was impossible. All he could hope for was he could weather the storm coming and get through it with his sanity intact. “We’re going to have to think of ways to entertain ourselves soon. Maybe a giant Starfleet road trip.” That might even have some merit. Jim was glad when Spock assured him he wasn’t uncomfortable and released a breath he was holding, and he took the pause afterward it mean that was all they needed to say. He was glad and somehow not at the same time, but he knew it was for the best this way. His head picked up when Spock spoke again, clearly surprised, and what he said only made his eyes widen more. “I … I see.” He’d seen the word used frequently, but it clearly had greater meaning than he realized. It wasn’t just manufactured by these fanfiction writers. It was sincere. His eyes met and held Spock’s gaze. “Brother and lover don’t often go together. Unless we’re in some Greek tragedy.” He smiled slowly, trying to suss out if he was correctly reading the signs. “If you had to pick between the two words as a description for us, what would it be?” He moved slightly closer to Spock on the couch, still keeping eye contact. “Both,” Spock confirmed. “Though I would imagine the level each of us feel is largely dependent on our satisfaction with the work we have found here.” People like Pike, Jim, likely Jim’s counterpart were probably suffering the greatest. Or would soon enough. Their jobs were not easily replicated or transferred here. Space travel was rudimentary at best in this time and place. “A road trip would be... a remarkable experience, I’m sure.” He was sure it would either be completely fascinating or a rather unique disaster. Possibly both. Spock stilled when Jim met his gaze and even more so when he spoke and moved closer. He swallowed convulsively, unaware he was even doing so. He was uncertain about what he could see in Jim’s face and eyes, more uncertain of his ability to interpret human emotions now than he had been in a long time. His own feelings had long been hidden away, rarely considered or examined and thus poorly understood except in their most basic form. “Friend is the most common translation because it is the first definition to which the word usually applies,” he said almost academically. “Later the definition moves to one of the deeper meanings as the relationship between the two evolves.” He was well aware he was prevaricating. Revelations could have both good and bad results and despite what he thought he was seeing in Jim’s expression, he could not be certain which way this would go. However, c’thia demanded the truth. “If I were to choose an evolution then I... must agree with the writers of these stories and choose ‘lover’.” “I think I’m leaning toward a road trip. One of these days. It could be a disaster or fun or both.” Jim wondered if there’d be a time where he could speak to his other self. He wondered if he liked road trips too or had trouble staying in one place or watched these videos and reflected on them. Maybe not. He hoped sooner or later he’d get the chance to ask. For now he was plenty glad to meet regularly with the rest of Starfleet. “We could go camping like in the movie. And this time I won’t make anyone sing.” That probably wouldn’t stop him from singing. Poor everyone else. Jim could read Spock well, but in a case like this it was hard to tell if he was looking for something in particular and fooling himself he saw it. That was why he kept putting the ball in Spock’s court, just in case he was misreading him entirely. If he was, it would be embarrassing but easily laughed off. His heart did beat faster when he waited for Spock’s answer, his breath shorter, his attention absolutely riveted. And with the answer he was looking for given, he relaxed and his smile was blinding, all teeth and warmth. “That’s a very good choice, Spock. The one I’d go with myself, although I’d be content as your brother too, if that’s what you wanted.” Jim was easy going that way. If he was honest it wasn’t just reading all the fan material that brought this idea to him. It inspired further thought, yes, but he had considered it before. In a general curiosity way. “I was flirting with you in those text messages. I was trying to provoke a reaction. And when you pushed I fled, because ….” He hesitated and then reached out to put a hand on Spock’s shoulder. “Because we are important, and I didn’t want to ruin it on a drunken whim.” “A fun disaster seems to be a contradiction in terms,” Spock said dryly. It would certainly be interesting combine the crews to that extent, though most of them did have the Enterprise in common. He did consider it a pity that neither Chekov nor Sulu from their universe were not here. Ho wondered what they would make of their counterparts. “Did you have a destination in mind?” A sense of relief flooded through him when Jim smiled so broadly and warmly. It was not entirely in his nature to climb out on a limb as he had done and yet it seemed to him that was what Jim wanted. He did not believe for a moment it was done with any ill intent. He suspected it was because he was Vulcan and therefore it was difficult to know how he would react. He felt a flood of warmth and happiness when Jim touched him. Just a shadow of the emotions from that touch and he wondered what it would be like if... when they touched with intent. He wondered how their mind melds would change. He had kept them impersonal but even with that, that small link had been established. “I was uncertain as to your intent,” he said, leaning into the touch. “My interpretations are not always correct when it comes to emotions and I did not believe I could be reading your intent correctly.” He paused then added almost shyly. “T’hy’la.” “A disaster can be unpredictable and break apart a perfectly laid out plan in all the right ways. Besides, everything can be salvaged by being in the right company. You could argue several of our missions were disasters in the way they didn’t happen at all in the way they should have or could have.” Leave it to Jim to find the positive side in a disaster, when everything went wrong. “There are places in upstate New York we can camp, but if we wanted the crew to go, it would have to be a group decision. I’m not everyone’s Captain.” With anyone else, Jim would have been the one to put all the moves down. He didn’t mince words usually. He was direct and very good with seduction; it was a trademark. But none of his moves were going to work on Spock in quite the same way. Maybe he was nervous, which was atypical of him. He was a womanizer, or an everything-izer, but he remembered all of his lovers and he always treated them and their memory with respect. It just was new to start with friendship and respect and move over into that territory. “Maybe you should start trusting your judgment better, Spock. It seems you got it right this time around.” Jim smiled when he used the word again and it was a little daunting. That title and this situation was a big deal. Luckily for both of them Jim liked to recklessly throw himself into things. He took Spock’s body language to mean it was fine for them to get closer so he moved right next to him. He took Spock’s hand with his and leaned down to press a simple kiss to his palm. Of course he was well aware that there was nothing simple about kissing a Vulcan’s hand, since they were extremely sensitive. “T’hy’la,” he attempted to say, although it wasn’t quite right. He put the emphasis on the wrong part, so he tried it again. “T’hy’la. Definitely not brothers.” “No doubt it will be quite fascinating,” Spock said though any further thoughts of the potential disaster of a cross-Starfleet road trip were driven from his mind when Jim moved closer and took his hand. He drew in a sharp breath when Jim kissed his hand as the sensations from that simple action flooded through him. For the barest nanosecond he wanted to pull his hand away, sure that Jim did not know what he was doing, but a brief look at Jim’s face told him that he did. That he knew of the sensitivity of Vulcan hands. If Spock was often uncertain about interpreting the emotions of others, he was perhaps even less adept at interpreting his own emotions, preferring to avoid it, to metaphorically run away. That wasn’t an option in this case. He refused to let it be an option. “No, definitely not brothers,” he said. He raised his free hand and ran it lightly down the side of Jim’s face, brushing over the meld points to feel the charge of emotion from Jim’s mind but not lingering long enough to establish full contact. That brief contact was heady enough as it was. He let a small smile grow on his face, willing to be more open now. In private, as it should be between two people such as themselves. He recalled accidentally intruding on a few such moments between his parents when he was a small boy before he became more sensitive to their need for privacy. “Your pronunciation is good but your accent is terrible,” he continued with warm, teasing affection. Jim and Spock touched minds more than a few times by now, which wasn’t something Jim concerned himself with much until he knew it wasn’t common practice. When Spock put his fingers on the meld points he could feel the barest edge of it and his breath caught. It was intense when they did that on an average day, what about when they had more to share? What about when they were intimate? Oh yeah. He was going to wonder about that. And be curious to get some answers. He snapped out of the near mind meld a moment later, blinking, and felt rather flushed. “If I knew all it would take to make you smile like that was to offer you my heart, Mr. Spock, I might have done it long before.” He knew why he didn’t. Inappropriate. Highly inappropriate. Relationships between coworkers were occasionally approved of, but it was much more complicated with a superior officer. And with his first officer? Scandalous almost. Leave it to Jim to find the scandal. They were there and not in Starfleet, and this might be one of the few perks. He reached up to brush some of Spock’s hair beneath his ear, his fingers lingering along the pointed curve. “I’ve wanted to do that since the first day we met.” It wasn’t inherently sexual at the time. Jim was a curious man, and he found certain aspects of his first officer fascinating long before it turned in this direction. They’d gone in enough circles by now and Jim decided to just kiss him already. His fingers in his hair naturally curved at his cheek and he kissed him, once gently, and then a second time more firmly. Spock quirked an eyebrow. “I was not certain my... feelings would be returned.” He knew very well why neither of them had done anything about this, quite apart from the fact that it had only been the peculiarities of this world that had opened their eyes to the concept that such feelings might be returned. Starfleet regulations did not specifically forbid a relationship between a Captain and their First Officer but it was certainly frowned upon. Not that such things didn’t happen but they were kept very quiet by the parties involved lest they be separated. Had this happened at home and it had come to the notice of the Admiralty, Spock might well have found himself unable to refuse a promotion with its accompanying command opportunity. That small smile surfaced again and he closed his eyes briefly at the sensation of the touch on his ears. “That sentiment has been expressed to me in the past. Not under these circumstances however.” Many humans were curious about his ears but the few who had touched them in the past had not engendered this reaction. Not even Leila could claim that, even with the aid of the spores. Nor could Leila claim to have caused the same response with a kiss. He lacked Jim’s experience but it was easy enough to follow his lead and when the second kiss ended, it was Spock who initiated the third kiss. Once again he brushed his fingers over the meld points, more carefully this time so as not to overwhelm both of them though again with no intent to create an actual meld. “I was positive mine wouldn’t be,” Jim agreed. “I might be able to read you well, but this isn’t the ordinary situation.” Sometimes he thought it was there. They had a tendency to be drawn to each other, their looks were anything but simply friendly, and he knew there was an emotional bond there, whatever the undercurrent was. Reading the material here made him think maybe it was a reality and Spock could sense it too. They seemed to only get closer with time, and Spock already admitted how important the title was to him. It would have been suggested by Starfleet they not work together if the emotional compromising was a problem, something they both would have refused adamantly. Besides, the emotional compromise was there before they were lovers. Simple truth. He wouldn’t want it any other way. “I hope you don’t mind. If you do, I can keep my ear touching impulses to myself.” He had a feeling he could find ways to make that curiosity attractive to them both, given the chance. Jim was reassured with every kiss this was a risk worth taking, and felt such a strong tug between them. It was going to be difficult not to make the Vulcan flustered on a daily basis, in public and in private. He deepened the kiss that Spock started and put his free arm around him, tugging him closer. When Spock touched the meld points, Jim broke free of the kiss, hazel eyes amused and suggestive when he locked gazes with his lover-to-be again. “Are you sure you want to do that? I have to warn you, my thoughts at the moment are absolutely in the gutter.” He was openly flirting now, no longer hiding behind drunk texts, and it was unspoken he was open to the mind meld if Spock wanted it. Overwhelming though it may be. “They... may not have been,” Spock said. “Until I thought I had killed you on Vulcan, I was not truly aware of how I felt. I had not allowed myself to examine those feelings.” They’d started to come crashing down on him after Dr McCoy had beamed up with Jim and he’d had to face T’Pring and Stonn and T’Pau. They had prompted his somewhat snide comment about ‘having’ not being the same as ‘wanting’. He suspected T’Pau had known. Under the influence of pon farr he had likely been projecting and while most Vulcans would shield heavily under those circumstances, both for their own sake and for the privacy of those involved, it was likely T’Pau had been monitoring things. Her reaction when he had said he would not live long nor prosper all but confirmed it. “I do not mind. I... I like it.” It was strange and not entirely comfortable to allow himself to feel and experience these emotions but then Jim gave him an opportunity to bypass his own reticence. He hesitated only the barest moment before taking it. His fingers found the meld points and he didn’t even need any of the ritual phrases to focus his mind before their minds joined. It was overwhelming. A flood, a cavalcade, a kaleidoscope of emotions and thoughts. It was almost too much. Then it wasn’t. It was simply Jim. In all his layers and brilliance and everything that had drawn Spock to him. And there, in the joining of their minds, Spock could let Jim see those things he found so difficult to articulate. His joy, his desire, his love. I cherish thee. The almost formal Vulcan phrasing rose unbidden in his mind. It was pointless trying to hide it so he didn’t even try. Lies, evasion or hiding the truth was all but impossible during a meld. “I was willing to give my life for yours freely. But I’m glad for both of our sakes Bones had a better plan.” Jim was flying by the seat of his pants in that situation. He’d never heard of a pon farr and could barely understand Spock’s explanation. Then he found himself in a fight to the death with his best friend. He was shocked when Spock said he had a wife, and accepted that he needed to be with her. It was a confusing situation for him too. Jim wasn’t a jealous man, but he was very glad Spock was free of her. Any woman who would do that, logical or not, was not worthy of a man like Spock. But are you worthy, Jim? It was a thought that worried him. Or at least it worried him until Spock took his offer and suddenly the world turned upside down. They used a mind meld before, but it was usually controlled and specific. Now there was a great deal more freedom and Jim held onto Spock tightly. It was overwhelming and it was natural to be anxious at first, yet eventually his mind adjusted and he could start to comprehend what was happening. And the things he saw and felt from Spock, good lord they were overwhelming too, but in a way that made him feel worthy indeed. For the first time it was Jim who felt shy; sharing a bed with someone was a great deal different from sharing a mind. It felt right though. If Spock could see all the bright and dark spots inside him, and still cherish him, well he was a lucky man. Luckier than he probably deserved. I … he hesitated which was pointless since Spock could feel the love and gratitude pouring out of him, his fear and happiness in one rush, but Jim still struggled with the words. He was a poker player, and this was a high stakes match. Best to put his cards on the table. I … love you, Spock. In a way I’ve never loved anyone or anything. And that was the truth; in their joined mind he could not lie. “I am grateful to the Doctor for what he did.” Spock could have wished to have known what the plan was but then he hadn’t been in much of a condition for that and it seemed that Dr McCoy had very much made his plans on the run. He could certainly understand why Dr McCoy had kept his machinations to himself even if it had cost him several minutes of great distress. And the whole situation had shown him how little of a connection he’d had with T’Pring despite the bonding that had been performed when they were children. He’d had more of a connection with Jim that day than T’Pring. He saw Jim’s hesitation in his mind and soothed it as best as he could. He knew that Jim had flaws, so did he, so did everyone but Jim’s flaws were as much part of him as his strengths. He didn’t even try and hide his happiness at Jim’s declaration and he threaded his free hand up into Jim’s hair and kissed him again. This time it was enhanced by the meld. He could feel Jim’s reactions and responses and knew Jim could feel his. “Hey, so am I. I’m not sure you would have stopped if you knew I was alive.” Jim was guessing, since that seemed to stop whatever was happening. It was a smart move on McCoy’s part, just in case. He touched Spock’s face comfortingly. It was a difficult memory for them both, even if it turned out well. “If it led you to think more about us, I can’t say that I’m sorry. Although I could have done without the many bruises.” He knew Spock was strong, but that strong? He wasn’t prepared, and he considered himself a reasonably good combatant. Spock always saw the best in him, and while Jim wasn’t entirely certain he agreed, he had to accept it. He returned the kiss passionately and damn if it wasn’t strange/amazing to feel it on Spock’s end too. Is this going to get more intense during sex? Jim laughed in his head, and chuckled into the kiss as well. It was a fair question. His hands were wandering over Spock and his thought, as warned, were heading for the gutter. He gentled the kiss after a few moments since he was starting to lose coherency and caught his breath. “Do you want to ….” He paused and his mind was working fast, burning hot, as hot as his blood. “We can go slow if you want.” The implication he wasn’t tied to that idea, but he was aware he moved fast. And they only just began, he didn’t know if the Vulcan preferred to go about things in his own way. Spock closed his eyes and shuddered. “No, I would not.” His memories of that day were not enjoyable and he could understand perfectly why the strictest of privacy taboos surrounded the pon farr. The loss of control was unnerving and the violence of his thoughts once the challenge had started had horrified him afterwards. He understood intellectually why the challenge had existed in the past but to be forced into the reality of it... even if he had wanted T’Pring, he would have rejected her for that alone. “What is the human saying? You don’t know what you have until it is gone? I understood it all too clearly that day.” His amusement flowed openly at Jim’s unspoken question and in an odd way, it made him more comfortable with everything that had so suddenly and yet so unsurprisingly changed. If we maintain the meld then yes. It does not have to be maintained, although... He paused and removed his hand from the meld points on Jim’s face. As he suspected, the meld did not dissolve though he was aware he could do so at any time and he believed Jim would be able to mentally pull away as well should he wish to. Our minds are remarkably compatible. He took the opportunity to give into the desire to touch Jim in return. A chuckle that he would never voice ran through his mind and he answered Jim’s verbal question in their minds. Jim, our thoughts are one. There is no ‘too slow’ or ‘too fast’. Can you not see that my desires match yours? That I can see... feel how much this means to you. To me. He matched words with actions and slid one hand under Jim’s shirt, delighting in skin that was cooler than his own but warmer than he’d expected. “You didn’t kill me. It was almost worth it to see the look on your face. It was very attractive. I love when you smile.” Jim knew Spock was demonstrative for him more than anyone else, so he didn’t expect him to start grinning and being jolly. He was stating fact. “I started thinking I would do anything to get you to look at me that way again.” He understood his feelings for Spock were not entirely platonic. He knew he found him attractive before then, but Jim was attracted to a lot of people. He was open about his jumping from bed to bed, without judgment. It was when actual feelings started he was growing concerned. So he pushed it aside and now here they were. Jim was surprised the connection stayed without Spock’s touch. Does this mean you’ll be in my head all the time? There was a small amount of wariness there, and he knew Spock felt it so he rushed to explain. It’s not that I mind, more that there’s plenty of pointless thoughts going on, not exactly as interesting as I am right now. He did know that Spock wanted the same from him. It was clear. He had to be sure. He kissed him again, slow and lingering, shuddering at the touch of his hand against his skin. Abruptly he moved away and stood up. It might be jarring if he didn’t follow it up with the obvious answer. “I think this might be the right time to move to the bedroom, if you’d care to join me.” He was glad for having a one bedroom for now. He offered his hand to Spock in suggestive invitation. “It’s not that fast. We’ve been thinking about it for a long enough time.” Spock did smile again at that. Between still feeling uncentered and off-balance from the challenge and the sheer shock of seeing Jim alive and well, there had been no possibility of disguising his joy and relief. The cause, he felt, had been more than sufficient even if he had been disconcerted by his lack of control. He shook his head, though the amusement was still there. No, we are not bonded though even bonded couples learn to shield each other out. He understood Jim’s wariness. Most humans were uneasy when it came to telepathy of any description. It is simply that our minds are compatible enough that I do not need to maintain contact with the meld points. You should be able to pull your mind away if you wish and if we were to cease any physical contact at all, it would diminish and end over a period of time. This was proven when Jim stood. The meld lingered even then though Spock did not give it time to naturally end. “I would like that,” he said as he rose to his feet and took Jim’s hand. “I am... eager to explore turning our thoughts into actions.” Compatible everything, I think. I don’t want it to go away entirely. This is good. And he already made it clear he was into seeing how this translated to the bedroom. Jim merely liked his privacy from time to time, and he expected Spock would similarly. If he was trained in blocking when necessary, he’d be fine with making it more or less permanent. It was nice to feel Spock there under the surface. Jim grinned at Spock and playfully hooked a finger in the front of Spock’s pants. He knew the pathway to his bedroom well enough to walk them backwards in that direction. “Eager’s a good word for it. I have a feeling we won’t disappoint.” Their minds worked so well together, and so far everything felt right. So he set about proving it. |