Log: Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi WHO: Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi WHAT: Obi-Wan last saw Anakin as Vader on Mustafar; Anakin last saw Obi-Wan before there was a Vader. WHEN: Somewhere between January 26-29 WHERE: Corridors on deck two WARNINGS: Much of the log is spent discussing a TCW character's death
Obi-Wan had been on deck 8, meditating. It was where he had spent much of his time lately, and yet it had not alleviated the anxiety that he had felt inside since the arrival of his former padawan. He did not know whether to be elated or worried about Anakin's arrival. On his return to the lower decks and his quarters, he had been so immersed in his present concerns that he had not noticed the presence of the aforementioned being until it was too late to retreat his steps.
"Ah, it seems that we at last must cross paths."
Anakin had similarly been preoccupied with his own thoughts about the things that Leia had told him and Padmé and what people were saying on the net. With his focus inward, he had likewise failed to sense Obi-Wan's approach and only realized his presence when they were in each other's sight.
The last time he had seen Obi-Wan was before Obi-Wan left to kill General Grievous. They had parted well at the time. From what he now knew, that may have been one of the last times they would have seen each other before everything changed. Before Anakin had known that Obi-Wan and the rest of the Jedi Order had betrayed him. "You could turn around," he said. "Perhaps find one of the escape pods?"
The last that Obi-Wan had seen of Anakin was a broken and burnt shell on Mustafar. He had heard though of the mechanical monster that stood beside the Emperor, and he was able with information from Ahsoka and Leia to conjecture that that being was Anakin. That he had, in some manner or another, survived Mustafar. It was not a pleasant thought, and less so with Anakin here, directly in front of him.
Obi-Wan stopped. “That hardly seems a necessary solution. It is inevitable that we should meet, even on a ship of this size. We share similar circles.”
"It would have been nice to avoid it awhile longer, though, wouldn't it?" Certainly more quiet for anyone with rooms nearby; Anakin fully expected of himself that he'd be shouting at Obi-Wan soon enough. He tried to smother his anger for now. "It's only been days since I saw you last. How long has it been for you?"
“I had hoped that we might meet under better circumstances, but the Force...has its own way.” Obi-Wan wore his emotions like a shield, unwilling to show anything but calm to his former friend. He did not want to provoke Anakin, but neither, did he want to experience again the sense of loss that he had felt on Mustafar. “Has it been such a short time for you? It has been nearly two years for me.”
Of the two of them (or of most any two people when Anakin was one of them), Obi-Wan was by far better at shielding his emotions. Anakin's irritation, on the other hand, was immediately apparent. "Yes, it has. You left for Utapau, not too long after you told me to spy on the Chancellor." Obi-Wan had told him it was the Council's orders, not Obi-Wan personally, but the Jedi turning on Palpatine was something Obi-Wan must have known about and kept from Anakin.
“That was before...everything.” He measured his words carefully, aware that he must tread lightly when it came to the events after Utapau. “Before the rise of the Empire. It was unfair to put you in a position to spy on someone that you trusted as a friend, but I will not say that it was not necessary. The Empire has not brought peace to the galaxy, not in any measurable way that I know.”
For a few brief moments as Obi-Wan spoke, Anakin felt close to him again and almost ashamed of how much blame he was putting on Obi-Wan; his old master had just admitted to how wrong that request was! But the feelings were soon dashed by Obi-Wan justifying it. "It was unfair and it was wrong. But…" He gritted his teeth. He had never liked to admit any possible mistake on his part, yet he could test Obi-Wan by allowing for one and see how he reacted. "He did turn out to be the Sith Lord. I didn't find that out by spying, though. He told me. What have you seen of him as Emperor?"
“I have not seen him personally,” Obi-Wan admitted. He debated whether it was wise to tell Anakin where he had been, given the responsibility that he had to protect Luke. But Ahsoka had said that their stories were easily viewable by all -- and that their knowledge of these stories did not change them. “The Emperor does not pay visits to the Outer Rim, fortunately. Nor… does his apprentice.” It was a test, really. To judge how much they each knew of what was to come.
"What would you do if the Emperor did come there? Try to murder him like the Council did?" He sensed that Obi-Wan might be baiting him, and he tried to keep from obviously reacting. Obi-Wan, however, knew even Anakin's most subtle signs of emotion; he might have managed to hide his anger and his suspicion if it had been someone else, but not Obi-Wan. He had heard and seen people identifying him as becoming Vader as if that were yet to come, but he had not yet acknowledged to anyone that he had already done so. What was Obi-Wan trying to get from him? "You mean Vader. There's no need to be subtle."
“Hardly. If he did come, it would be a coincidence. Surely, you have no interest in your home now that you’ve...ascended towards something greater.” Obi-Wan did not yet understand the emotions that he was able to read in his former friend, nor did he understand how quickly he had lost his friend to a more powerful foe. But it was difficult to speak of these things, even for a man skilled in hiding his emotions.
"Tatooine isn't my home. There's nothing left for me there… or there wasn't, until you took my son there. You did that, didn't you?" Anakin's expression hardened a little more at having to think of his old planet. He didn't know what to make of Obi-Wan's word choices-- 'ascended towards something greater' sounded like Obi-Wan's typical sarcasm, yet Anakin had ascended towards something greater, from his own perspective.
"He is with family." He did not say the only family left to the child, for he did not recall what Anakin knew of his children's birth --- or the aftermath. "Your family would only be a detriment to the Empire, or worse. There are certain things I wished could be otherwise, but alas, they cannot."
Anakin's temper flared higher with Obi-Wan's words. "They aren't family! I will be his family! What would you care if they're a 'detriment to the Empire'-- you have no right to take them from me!" He tried to keep his anger at least enough under control to keep from damaging any of the ship, as he had already done when Leia told him that Padmé would not survive childbirth, just as his visions had told him. "They haven't even been born yet for me, and I'm having to grieve that I'll never get to be their father. Because of you."
"Because of me?" Obi-Wan's voice rose ever so slightly. "Is that what this -- this charade is about? Honestly, Anakin, are you not responsible for some of your choices? I may have turned a blind eye to your growing relationship with the senator, but I did not steal your children. I did not send you to the Chancellor to become his apprentice. And I did not kill Padmé. I should have done more for you, but forgive me, my friend, these were ultimately your decisions."
Anakin's voice, on the other hand, rose to a shout. "I've become his apprentice to save Padmé--" He realized he had slipped after he'd said it and fell silent for a moment, fuming at Obi-Wan. Padmé honestly wasn't the only reason for his decision, but she was the most important of them. "What more would you have done? What you and the Jedi have always done, say attachment is forbidden? What Yoda did, tell me to ignore my dreams and rejoice for her death? You didn't believe me when I told you about my dreams of my mother. The Jedi never let us contact each other, they never would have let me go to free her, and they never sent anyone else to free her, either. She died for that. Just like so many others have died because the Jedi won't help them, because of politics. I can't live like that any more."
Obi-Wan noted the slip, but said nothing. He grew inwards, thoughtful. "It is possible to leave the Jedi. You become swept up in a woman, a cause, and suddenly, the solitude of the Temple isn't enough." He paused. "But that is the commitment you make when you take the trials… I understand your feelings, but I can never support this path you are on. I know you don't seek my support, but...I'm sorry. I truly am."
"My old commitment to the Jedi isn't the most important commitment in my life any more-- and that commitment to the Order meant I could never think for myself. Solitude has never been enough for me. I need the people I love. I need the power to save them. I could never have that with the Jedi." Anakin's lip curled; first Obi-Wan asked to be forgiven, then apologized? "You're sorry? You say you understand, but when did you ever love someone enough to make a sacrifice for them? When did you ever let yourself love and be loved back? You chose the Jedi first. You always choose the Order over everything and everyone, even when they're wrong."
Obi-Wan could not explain that which seemed self-evident to him. That the Jedi weren't inherently wrong, but they had made mistakes. That love required sacrifices, sometimes from everyone involved. That he had betrayed the Order for a woman, only to witness her death. But these were impossible to voice without losing more ground than he had already.
"You see what you choose to see. I was once as passionate as you are now. When the Council thought you were too old, I insisted you be trained. I allowed myself to become blinded to your faults. And when they said aid could not be sent to Mandalore… I went alone. And I watched a person I care deeply about die. I've seen nearly everyone I care about murdered by clones, or Sith, or simply disappeared. This is the peace that your Empire shall bring us."
"You? Passionate?" That was hard to imagine. "You only trained me because of Qui-Gon." At least, that was what Anakin had always believed, that Obi-Wan had not believed in him then but couldn't back out of a promise to a dying master. The Council certainly never believed in Anakin. Some doubt crept in on his anger as he listened, his old concern for Obi-Wan coming through. "You never told me what really happened on Mandalore... I know that Duchess Satine didn't survive. You... watched her die?"
"Ah, yes, me, the boring old master, who kept my promise by putting my faith in you. You were the chosen one, meant to bring balance to the Force." Obi-Wan had not believed in the old prophecy when his master had first brought it to his attention, but that had been before Qui-Gon's death, before it had been brought to the attention of all that the Sith had returned. "But as a Jedi, you've always been more than that…I had thought you were more than that."
Obi-Wan hesitated. His attachment to Satine had been...unorthodox, perhaps. It was not something he'd ordinarily have discussed with his former apprentice, knowing how such a story might be taken. "To say that I watched her die would be an understatement. Maul knew that if he took over Mandalore that I would come eventually. Our...friendship is not a secret, particularly amongst our enemies. He killed her to punish me. He wanted me to...relish misery in his own way."
"More than that? What do you mean?" Yes, the Chosen One. Briefly, Anakin remembered their time on Mortis. It had been an intense experience for both of them, and Ahsoka, and there was a gap in Anakin's memory that he couldn't account for. But he did remember being shown that he was able to keep light and dark in check. He'd turned his back on it, though, when given the chance to stay and keep the balance.
As quickly as Anakin's anger had built, it fled as Obi-Wan told him about Satine. He knew his own pain of potential loss from the visions he'd had of Padmé and Leia's words that Padmé would die; he could well imagine how it must have hurt to be there for Satine's death. He didn't know exactly what had been between Obi-Wan and Satine or what could have been, but he knew they'd been close, and he'd sensed for himself in their presence how much care was beneath all their flirtatious bickering. "Obi-Wan, I... I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me...?" It would have been an accusatory question mere minutes ago, but not now. He took a step towards Obi-Wan.
“You are like a brother to me, Anakin, but this is a burden I must bear alone. We have made a commitment to something larger than our individual interests, and others have similar duties. Had she asked me…” Obi-Wan turned from his friend, unable to speak dispassionately as he recalled the last that he had seen Satine. “There is no strength in misery, no peace in chaos. And no real power in the dark side."
"No, you never had to bear it alone, Obi-Wan. You… are like mine, too. I could have helped you. You know I would have." The other Jedi, of course, would not; they would have chided Obi-Wan for his attachment and told him to be happy for Satine. And Anakin wondered how differently things might have gone if he'd been brought along on that mission instead of Obi-Wan going alone. He would have had a selfish retort about the dark side and its power if he hadn't become more concerned instead for Obi-Wan's loss. They disagreed on so many things, but he could connect to the pain that his old friend still felt. He walked a few more steps closer. "Asked you what?"
Obi-Wan didn't answer immediately. He reflected that, although they had had similar experiences, their reactions had been different. But he didn't criticize Anakin for what he saw as weakness. Instead, he opened himself up to the possibility of reconciliation, however slight, between them. Would that be enough to redeem his friend?
"Had she asked me to leave the Order, all those years ago..."
"... You would have left?" Anakin wasn't sure if he was just projecting that at Obi-Wan, or if Obi-Wan actually meant to just say he maybe would have possibly considered it for a moment and then dismissed it.
"I would have," he agreed. "But I cannot say what would have happened to us. Or, if that is the right decision. All choices, in the end, require sacrifice."
Anakin was stunned by Obi-Wan's admission. Yes, he had noticed there was something between Obi-Wan and Satine, even had his suspicions about what might have been, but to actually hear that Obi-Wan had felt that deeply for her was a shock. What if Satine had asked and Obi-Wan had left the Order for her? What would that have meant for Anakin? For the galaxy? Would Obi-Wan have always regretted the choice, or could he have been happy with Satine and their love?
"Obi-Wan… I'm so sorry." He finished moving towards Obi-Wan and reached out a hand for Obi-Wan's shoulder.
Obi-Wan put his hand on top of Anakin’s. “Don’t be. There is no death, only the Force.” The Jedi code was an oft repeated mantra for the older man, more so now that the Jedi Order no longer existed. “We must… trust that the Force will always lead us down the right path.”
That particular line had always been one that Anakin could not endorse. Maybe it was a comfort for the one passing into the Force, but it didn't help the one who lost them. He had to make himself stay in the moment with Obi-Wan instead of arguing about their interpretations of the code. He gave Obi-Wan's shoulder a supportive squeeze, careful not to overdo it. "Do you believe that the Force led you away from Satine?"
“No, but I believe that the Force drew us to lives of public service, lives that any relationship between us would have severely hindered.” Obi-Wan trusted the Force because he had found comfort there. It seemed the only constant in a shifting universe. “I suspect that, had we broken with convention, our situation may have resembled more closely your own. But… I think, hypothetically speaking, I’d have preferred to leave altogether rather than live in such heightened secrecy.”
Being able to both serve and have love had certainly been a challenge for Anakin and Padmé. Staying with the Order had given Anakin support and resources that he wouldn't have had if he'd left, limited his ability to work on behalf of the galaxy. Staying had also been a heavy burden on his marriage, keeping him apart from Padmé far more than he was with her. "We knew it would be... difficult, trying to have both. Maybe I should have just left years ago."
Obi-Wan would have argued that was the reason that the Order forbid attachments. It was not possible to maintain a commitment to both a family and the demands of being a Jedi. But the new Jedi that he had met did not seem to have a similar experience. Leia had mentioned her children, all of whom seemed to retain some attachment or another to their family. It may be that the old Order’s ban on attachments was outdated. It was certainly something that he’d like to have discussed with Luke, if he had been there.
“I must say that difficult seems an understatement. Perhaps here we have been given an opportunity to find another way.”
"It wouldn't have been so difficult if I had been allowed to be with her. I knew from the moment I met her that we'd be together, just as I'd known that I'd be a Jedi. Maybe we have been given one-- but it won't be with me as a Jedi." He gave Obi-Wan's shoulder another squeeze and then released it. "I'm glad that we were able to find some common ground, my old master, but I wish it could have been for a reason that did not cause you pain."
Obi-Wan touched his beard. “It is not too late for us to have much in common, my friend.” For the first time, he felt the anxiety that had been there since Anakin’s arrival dissipate slightly. He felt hopeful about Anakin’s presence on the ship, hopeful enough to believe that Leia might be right about his old friend.
"Perhaps it's not." Anakin inclined his head slightly towards Obi-Wan, then started walking back to his and Padmé's quarters. He had been so furious when he'd sensed Obi-Wan upon his arrival, and had carried that anger in the days since. It was finally lifted, for now.