WHO: Eliot Waugh & Ren Solo WHEN: January 25th, after this WHERE: The Waugh-Solo Nursery in the Physical Cottage
WHAT: After Ren receives new memories, Eliot finds him in the cottage. TRIGGERS: Discussion of Character Death(s), Sacrificial Acts, Grief, Trauma
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Dawn had come a while ago. The light of the room shifting from the dark, to the grey of pre-dawn, moving quickly towards full day, and with it the room itself shifted and changed. The colors that Ren and Eliot had painted nearly a month ago becoming visible.
He laid on the floor, flat on his back, his gaze on the sky they had begun to put together.
There'd been a part of him that had thought about going back to the bedroom and climbing into bed between his spouses when Rey had finally left, creeping back to Margo before the morning break, but in the end he'd ended up here knowing that Fen or Eliot would find him eventually if he couldn't bring himself to move out into the day first. Maybe too, despite the fact that the night sky he was staring up at was nowhere near as intricate as the actual stars over Hanna City because he'd only filled in the most specific star constellations from memory and he had yet to pull the charts from the Falcon for all of the rest, he'd wanted this view.
Staring up at these stars was both a reminder of where he was, and where he'd been, a connection to a home that was genuinely lost forever, and one that he'd somehow managed to build because someone had reached out a hand and cared.
He closed his eyes, a fragment of a memory from when he was a child, only just beginning to walk running through his mind. There'd been a balcony at that apartment and he'd followed his father out to it. Han had pointed out a half dozen stars, the systems around them, frequently with a story of some sort attached. He wondered if they had his Father over if he could sit in this room and tell their son or daughter, the same stories? Or maybe that would fall to him to try to somehow explain to his child the galaxy he'd grown up in.
He breathed in and then breathed out again slowly, trying to release tension and fear and worry along with the breath. It might be time to go find Eliot or Fen, but not knowing what to say to either of them, and knowing they'd likely know something was up as soon as he saw them, kept him laying on the floor.
When Eliot had woken, there'd been a brief shift to face Fen, pressing a gentle kiss to her shoulder blade before he'd glanced over his own shoulder, intent on following suit to his husband. This intention went unfulfilled and for a moment, Eliot stared at the bare space of the bed with mild confusion. While their schedules weren't identical, he'd been fairly confident that Ren wasn't working early at the shop this weekend. He exhaled and shifted, not wanting to disturb Fen as he moved for the end of the bed.
Making his way to the closet, he dressed quickly and emerged with fingers still working upwards on the buttons. His gaze lifted, looking to the door, prepared to leave the bedroom. His natural assumption was that Ren was already downstairs and perhaps he'd be greeted with breakfast and coffee. Making his way towards the door, it was only when he got close that he caught sight of the figure in the nursery, where the door was just barely open.
Eliot came to a stop and turned his gaze towards the nursery door completely. A brow raised and he hesitated for a moment before turning directions to enter the room. "You know, you are squandering away one of our few remaining weekend mornings, don't you?" It was sad as he entered, with a jest of tone, but this was before he really took in what he saw ahead of him.
While he'd noted Ren's figure in the room, he'd not registered what his husband was doing. Eyes now focused on the man's spot on the floor, he frowned. "What are you doing?"
He had been focused on the ceiling, but El's presence had become crystal clear before Eliot had said anything, and it was desperately needed and longed for. Maybe even more than Ren had really realized that he needed or wanted it, if he were being honest - like being offered a glass of water and gulping it down, although you hadn't realized a moment before that you were genuinely thirsty.
Yes, he didn't know how to tell Eliot or Fen any of the things that had happened, but he needed them both more than he could say. With Rey he'd been able to sit in silence. With Eliot he'd have to explain. But with Eliot, he knew he'd be held together should it come to that.
He didn't open his eyes, but he breathed in deeply, and he raised a hand in the general direction of the door, the firm suggestion delivered mentally 'come here', and then after a heartbeat, he did open his eyes and he shifted onto his side, propped up, gaze lifting to meet his husband's.
"I -" What was he doing? "I wanted to feel the stars."
It didn't even entirely make sense, because they weren't real stars, just magical representations, and it wasn't even those magical representations he was feeling - it was home. Home that he hadn't been to in years, and home he'd never see again, and knowing he couldn't blame anyone but himself for it. "Join me?" Verbally this time, a request.
He'd remained still in the wake of his question, eyes latched upon the man, focused on any subtle clue as to what was occurring. It wasn't like Ren to take such a position in their home. Behavior such as this? It was out of the norm and while out of the norm didn't necessarily mean warning bells, nerves were beginning to wind up. His hands dropped down from the buttons he'd been worrying with and fell to his side.
He took a step forward, from the nonverbal request alone, but the step was not followed by another. Instead, he stopped when Ren had shifted onto his side.
Eliot instantly felt his ears ringing as his gaze focused in on his husband's face. He'd heard the explanation, it turning over and over in his mind as he tried to come to an understanding, but the ringing was too much. And Eliot's gaze hadn't diverted. He didn't even necessarily realize how punctuated his own breaths were becoming, as his chest rose and fell with each sharp in take.
Was he imagining it or was his Ren's scar gone?
The request, now given once again and verbally, seemed to pull Eliot back to the moment. He blinked and in just a few steps, he was next to Ren, dropping down to his knees gracelessly. He reached out, taking the hand that had been offered in his own, and opened his mouth to try to say something.
But words didn't come.
Instead, he reached out with his free hand and pressed it to Ren's cheek. His eyes lifted to gaze into Ren's. Words might not have come but realization was there and Eliot's face said it all. Finally he said, "Days? Weeks? Years?"
There was silence for a moment as Ren considered. The events of the most recent few days were what was so fully in his mind, but there was more than those events in his mind, and he considered before settling on. "A year -- about."
He leaned his cheek against Eliot's hand, hardly even aware of the fact that the scar wasn't there any longer. He'd been healed, but he hadn't looked at himself in the mirror yet. "Rey too," he added, his gaze staying steady on Eliot and then it flickered - uncertainty creeping in. Talking had to make it real in a way that he hadn't yet really had to do. Sitting with Rey had allowed him to just let it exist, but not necessarily acknowledged; and where could he even begin?
"I'm…" to say he was okay felt like a blatant lie, because he didn't really feel it. There was grief that was still right there under the surface and he could feel it raging. His mother had died to save him, he'd managed to save Rey, but he himself had died, and that hadn't been in the plan, but maybe he'd never been particularly great at plans in the end. He was good at knowing what to do when he listened to his heart, and in truth - maybe more truthfully than he'd like to admit - truly listening to that heart had rarely led him astray. It hadn't in this particular situation. And on some level he was alright. He'd given his mother's resistance maybe a fighting chance with Rey to help and lead it. But that didn't mean he was very well at all.
He realized he'd stayed silent for a really long time, and he raised his gaze back to Eliot's, half aware of his vision blurring around the edges. He swallowed. "I'm here?"
A year.
Eliot shut his eyes in response to that, his forehead leaning forward to rest against Ren's momentarily, while his thumb gently stroked back and forth against his husbands cheek. He recalled how the last time the other man had received memories, the only time in fact, it'd just been a few weeks at most. Of course, time meant very little in the way of things, and Eliot could recall to memory just how much information had been thrust upon Ren during that prior instance. The belief his Mother had been irreparably harmed, the connection with Rey, the death of Snoke, and Ren's own position as the new Supreme Leader of the First Order in the wake of Snoke's demise.
And Eliot remembered how Ren had relayed all of this to Eliot with a simple declaration -- 'I don't want to go home.'
This recollection of that night, nearly two years ago, made Eliot's concern rise in an immediate wave. He pulled in a breath at the next statement. Rey'd gotten memories at the same time as Ren last time, had she not? Trying not to focus on that, he pushed the would be Jedi from his mind. At least for now.
His eyes opened and he pulled away enough to be able to gaze back into Ren's as his husband tried to speak. There was a lingering silence after the attempt and Ren's inability to string words together promptly made El's stomach give a turn. He waited, worry etching deeper on his face, and found himself reaching to take Ren's hand with his free one.
He saw the glisten beginning to take hold of Ren's eyes and gave a strong squeeze to his hand. "You're here," Eliot repeated, in an agreement, "And whatever is going on at home? We'll figure it out." Eliot knew that no news from the galaxy far, far away was ever good. It was a constant state of war, wasn't it? But whatever it was that Ren was dealing with? They'd figure it out. It'd be okay.
They wouldn't figure it out, that was the thing, really. There wasn't anything to figure out, at least not for him, and he was frozen for a moment trying to figure out how to explain that to his husband here. It didn't matter, in that so long as he was here it wasn't his future, and so long as Eliot was here it wasn't his future, when or if either of them returned to their home worlds, they would neither of them remember any of this - a fact that made Ren squeeze El's hands more tightly - but should either of them go without the other…? And Eliot had already had to deal with the knowledge of Q's death at home.
Ren closed his eyes, unable to bring himself even to nod any agreement.
But Eliot couldn't guess at it, and if he was to know, then Ren would need to tell him. "I think," he faltered, then took a deep breath and plunged in. "Everything I needed to figure out at home I've figured out here. You, Fen, us, our family. Trying to be someone my Mom would be proud of." And he realized even as he was saying it, that he wasn't really telling Eliot anything. So.
"I saved Rey. Gave the resistance a chance. Mom would have… I think," this was where his voice caught again because he wanted his mother there so badly, to go and spill it all out, to hope that it'd be enough for her to forgive him. He squeezed El's hand. He was literally all over the place and he needed to do better or Eliot wouldn't have a clue what had happened.
So he started again, for once not particularly worrying about the emotion in his voice as he explained the past year, searching for the Sith wayfinder, visiting Mustafar, finding Exegol. The dyad, the way he and Rey seemed perfectly matched. Palpatine. Fuck Palpatine. The way Rey had killed him, and his mother had reached out for him, and Rey had healed him. "All I could think about was Dad, and how I wished I hadn't killed him, and how it felt as if there wasn't any turning back. But Rey had killed Kylo Ren, but I was still standing here, then who had she brought back? And obviously it was Ben. And right now I don't know if it makes sense, but it did then, and why would I go back to something I regretted?"
The lack of verbal recognition did nothing to ease Eliot's concern. He let his other hand slip from Ren's cheek, bringing it down to clasp over top of their entangled hands, in response to the squeeze. But the silence felt deafening. Was what had occurred so difficult that Ren couldn't even relay it to him? Eliot's imagination was beginning to stir, against his better judgment, and he was thinking of all the things that could go wrong.
There was a subtle nod from Eliot in response to the first of Ren's words. This Eliot had known. Ren had spoken as much of this before and Eliot had seen his husband working through it all. "She saw that," he whispered, as an attempt at encouraging words. Leia knew he'd been trying to right his course. She had to have seen, even if it wasn't always in the ways she'd have desired.
"You saved Rey," he repeated, eyes flashing away from Ren for one flicker of a second, off in the direction of Whitespire. What had Ren saved Rey from? Was Rey hurt? He'd need to speak with Bambi about that at some point. Later. Much later. He was pulled from that thought when he caught the hitch in his husbands voice. "Baby?" He whispered, a question laced with support, as a reminder that he was here. He had him.
His head felt like it was swimming with all the new information. Question upon question was coming to mind, some based from knowledge of the films and some simply from knowledge Ren had supplied him over the years. But all those questions came to a point of being completely pushed aside and forgotten at the mention of Rey wounding Ren in combat. His breath hitched and his hand had slipped from over top of their conjoined ones, resting on the carpet of the nursery to steady himself.
He stared into Ren's eyes now, lips dry and parted, unsure of what to say. "She healed you," he felt a need to repeat, because it was crucial. He'd been hurt but Rey'd healed him. "It makes some sense," he added after a moment. Eliot had known since the beginning that Ren regretted what he'd done to his Father, but for Ren to admit it back home? It was monumental and Eliot recognized it as such. He was rejecting everything he'd striven for as Kylo Ren, wasn't he?
Ren knew his mom had known, or at least he believed she had. He needed to believe she had known right now because he couldn’t ask her. And in his memory she’d known, or he thought she had. Somehow. He nodded at this, and then continued nodding.
Rey healing him hadn’t made sense initially in the memory. Yes he’d wanted her to rule with him, and yes he’d felt that she wanted to be by his side, but he’d vastly misinterpreted how. It was something he’d been aware of here for over a year, since their previously gained memories. But now, it absolutely had. And while he could say she wouldn’t have healed Kylo Ren, he couldn’t be certain of that. It might not have mattered. Maybe that hadn’t been the point?
He reached again for Eliot’s hand, that had slipped, needing it to steady himself. That was a question he could consider later. Maybe he needed time to consider all of them a little bit. The cafe could run without him, probably, or he’d use profits to pay wages for the time off while he closed it… that was another question for later.
He breathed in, then out, and then he leaned over into Eliot’s space, tugging for his husband’s arms wrapped around him, maybe needing to know he was there and wasn’t leaving so far as either of them had any control. Or maybe just as much he needed Eliot to know that he was here and not leaving. Leaning back against Eliot’s chest he breathed in again.
“I went back to Exegol,” he began again, and then began to explain the Dyad and Palpatine realizing it, and trying to suck both of their life force to heal himself and how it weakened them both, and him crawling back to find Rey nearly lifeless. “I knew I could give her life again like she’d done with me,” he told Eliot quietly. So I did, or do. I guess do, because I don’t remember it. She does. I succeeded.” There was a moment as he let that sit and then he breathed out. “We still have one of the potions don’t we?”
Eliot hadn't anticipated the movement toward him but caught up quick enough. Arms shifted, wrapping tight around the man, with one hand snaking up to rest at the base of Ren's neck to hold his husband close to him. He turned his head just so to press his lips to skin, trying to offer as much comfort and stability as he could in that moment.
Even though he was shaking.
Even though he was beginning to be afraid of more words being spoken.
It all felt like so much at once that he was still processing the prior words even after he's spoken up about them. The significance of Leia reaching out to Ren and the fact that now, Leia was gone. But he couldn't linger, not when Ren had begun again, and in response to the start, Eliot simply tightened his hold to the man before pressing his forehead into his shoulder.
Eyes squeezed tight in dread as it all unravel but when he spoke of Rey laying lifeless, it was enough to make Eliot pull backwards, looking into Ren's eyes in abject horror. Eliot wasn't close to Rey. Eliot barely knew her. But Margo was in love with her and he felt his stomach lurch. Ren had said earlier he'd saved Rey...
...and as the meaning of that earlier statement clicked into understanding for Eliot, the color drained completely from his face. The question his husband had asked went unanswered as Eliot stared ahead at him.
For a few heartbeats Ren let the silence linger and then he shifted, pressing his lips to Eliot’s hand where it was wrapped around him, and then he pulled himself up to seated, reached for Eliot’s face, and didn’t do much kiss him as lean in so that there was barely any space between them. “El, baby,” he whispered, but he didn’t have anything else to add to that. What could he add? He didn’t want to do this to Eliot, even though it hadn’t happened here and wouldn’t. But Eliot lost so much at home. Ren breathed out shakily, and brought his fingers up to slide into Eliot’s curls and he pulled him in tight, both comforting and seeking comfort.
Lips had parted in an attempt to say something but the words hadn't come and a moment later, Ren was close the gap between them. Eliot felt an instant sense of gratitude for this. Even though they barely had any space between one another, having Ren firm and against him was something that Eliot absolutely needed in that moment. He was conscious enough, as well, to understand that it was likely something his husband needed, too.
There was nothing they could do for back home. There was no home to go back to. Not for Ren, anyway. And though Eliot had never wanted Ren to depart from his company, here in Tumbleweed, the thought of Ren ever being sent back to only having moments left made his heart break.
He swallowed and shifted, sliding his own hand further up Ren's neck until it was able to sweep into his hair. The previously asked question still hung between them and there was now a frantic sense of urgency, to untangle himself and leap up to retrieve said potion, but also a refusal to move out of fear of what would happen should he release Ren from his grasp. "We have a potion," he was finally able to say, voice cracking as he did so.
Ren nodded at this, at least as best he was able to do so with his head against Eliot's, his fingers wrapped up in El's hair, and body pressed against his. It was as much a promise as he could offer: he wouldn't leave. A promise given, knowing that he had no real control over it - not really. But the potion would at least keep him from updating further, even a few moments more would likely be too much. Maybe one of the other Force users here might be able to bring him back, but maybe they wouldn't want to. He was well aware that he was eyed with distrust by many.
"I'm here," he whispered again. "With you, and Fen, and our baby, I'm here. And I'm staying here," because maybe if he said it out loud and frequently enough he could will that into being true forever. "And I love you, El." Because he rather thought that needed to be said too.
And because these things he could say -- they were certain, while everything else seemed to be swimming in his head. He didn't really know what this meant for here in Tumbleweed. He didn't know if he should tell his Father, there was so much - maybe Han wouldn't want to know? He missed his mother. Wasn't certain what to say to his Grandfather. And there was anger too, and maybe that had always been there, because he'd been used, and he'd known it for a while here and now, but it was hitting him freshly.
Eliot knew it was a promise that Ren couldn't truly give but he didn't want to let his mind linger on that truth, rather choosing to focus on the intent. Ren intended to remain in this world, by his side, with their family. Perhaps, by some stroke of luck, the Portal would take heed of the wishes of both men and the needs of their family.
There was no way to be certain but Eliot had to place his hope in this.
He nodded his head against Ren's. "I love you, Ky," he whispered.