Tony Stark (cutsthewire) wrote in thedisplaced, @ 2018-08-16 18:12:00 |
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In the week since he’d received his mental and physical mementos from the future, Tony found himself feeling restless. Uneasy. He would not admit it to anyone, but he was having a hard time dealing with the new memories. Not the horrible events they contained, but rather the fact that they seemed to occur simultaneously alongside the life he had been leading in Tumbleweed. It was as if he had somehow led two lives, and he was not sure which one was real. Foremost on his mind was his relationship with Julia, which, although new and problematic for a number of reasons, had somehow turned into a really good thing. In Julia, Tony had found a friend, a like mind, someone who understood what propelled him to work, to create, to push himself to the limit, because she had the same drive herself. With her, he could be himself without the worry that it would push her away like it had with Pepper. Pepper. They had found their way back to one another. What was more, he had convinced her to spend the rest of her life with him. That somehow seemed more improbable than the fact that Tony had decided to marry in the first place. But there it was. And he was incandescently happy. Two conflicting lives. One was here, the other was not, yet they both seemed just as real. Tony could not reconcile the one with the other, and so he stopped trying. He threw himself into his work and made excuses to keep almost everyone at arm’s length, most especially Julia. The cartoon thing was a welcome distraction. And even though he found himself being transformed for the fourth time in two months, he was in good spirits about the whole thing. It couldn’t last anyway, could it? Tony had reluctantly agreed to a movie night with Julia, mostly because he could not work out a way of avoiding it without hurting her. He knew he could fake normal well enough. It had gotten him through Eliot’s birthday party. And if she asked, he would chalk it up to being cartoonified. Plan in place, he made quick work of making popcorn in the kitchen with an ear open for the announcement of Julia's arrival. Julia hadn’t known Tony for years. This put her at a disadvantage as she was still feeling out the line between respecting his space and calling out his bullshit. Yesterday she’d ended the conversation pissed off and instead of wanting to see him right away, gave herself a day to cool off. And perhaps feeling a little guilty about it, dressed up more like it was a date than the more comfortable clothes she normally wore. Heels, a short skirt, barely dressed down with a black tee. It was part apology, part wordless confession that she missed him. J.A.R.V.I.S. opened the door for her and his gentle voice told her where to find Tony. Her heels would have given Tony all the warning he needed before his AI with the telltale clicking pattern they made as she walked. When she spotted him in the kitchen, she smiled despite everything. It was hard not to smile at the ridiculousness that was life in Tumbleweed. “This looks even stranger in person,” she said. Tony heard the sound of her heels, but before he could turn around to greet her, the popcorn kernels began popping in the pan he was standing watch over on the stove. He was dressed down, wearing the cartoon sweat pants he had discovered he was wearing underneath his armor when he woke up yesterday morning and one of his own t-shirts. That morning, he had attempted to wash the cartoon undershirt he wore yesterday, but something about it made his washing machine overflow with soapy bubbles that filled the entire laundry room. He had simply shut the door and walked away, ignoring the large bubbles that formed and then popped, formed and popped, in the cracks of the doorway. With the popcorn under control, Tony turned to face Julia, the blue glow of his cartoon arc reactor shining through his t-shirt like a halo over his chest. His jaw unintentionally dropped comically, and he was forced to close his mouth with his hand. “Sorry,” he apologized immediately. "Shit like that’s been happening all day.” He gave her a small smile. “You look nice.” That was an understatement, of course. She looked sexy as hell, as if she knew how confusing it would be for him and was doing it to spite him. He turned back around to dump the rest of the popcorn from the pan to the large bowl they would share. Julia found, seeing Tony’s jaw dropping in person was just jarring in person. Her hands went over her mouth, and instead of laughing she looked concerned. “Oh my god, does that hurt? That looks like that should fucking hurt.” When she moved her hands from her face, her jaw was open a mere human distance until she realized he was fine. “You don’t have to apologize. Jesus.” It was going to be hard to have a remotely serious conversation if he looked like that. Not that she was there to have a conversation. She was not there to confront him about what he remembered. She knew about Thanos and the people that died, question mark. Obviously remembering it first hand instead of being told was more difficult. She was there to be the supportive girlfriend and watch a movie or two. That was it. “Um. So do you feel the same? Is that a weird question? I’m not sure what would be weirder. You don’t have pores or…” Julia carefully moved closer to put her hand on his. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting or if he would feel solid at all. Tony shrugged his well-defined shoulders carelessly. This cartoon version of himself filled out his shirt more than usual. “Feels weird, but no. It doesn’t hurt.” When she placed her hand on his, he stared for a moment, her real skin looking strange next to his animated complexion. With his free hand, he ran his fingers through his hair. “I feel like me. Maybe a little harder around the edges.” Rogers had been right to point out his rather angular appearance. There was quite a bit more muscle to go along with it. He shook his head. “No pores, and yet perfectly beaded sweat appears whenever it should. Movie magic.” Although he had run his fingers through his hair, it had already returned to its previous seemingly immoveable state. Pulling away from her, Tony tossed some salt onto the popcorn before handing Julia the bowl. He motioned toward the fridge as he walked toward it. “Drink?” “Whatever you’re having,” Julia said casually. She frowned slightly, not sure how much of her concern was insecurity and how much was real. This was supposed to be movie night and Julia had the bowl of popcorn to prove it. So she started it off innocently enough, “I’ve missed spending time with you.” Tony snagged two water bottles out of the fridge, hovered for a moment, then also grabbed two bottles of craft beer from one of his favorite microbreweries. Fortunately, his face was turned away from Julia when she spoke, so she did not see the way his eyes closed as he steeled himself. He did feel guilty for avoiding her and missed her company too. But even admitting that to himself made him feel as if he were being unfaithful to Pepper, who wasn't even here, had never been, and maybe never would. Was Rhodey right? Did Tony owe it to himself to do whatever was best for him here? He still couldn’t work that out. Tony turned to give Julia a nod, his face set in an expression that would probably have still been unreadable even if his face had not been a cartoon. “Shall we?” he said lamely. Somehow it was almost worse, seeing him button up his emotions. “Tony,” she said gently. She looked down at the bowl of popcorn and set it aside. Stepping up Tony and doing her best to line up her shoulders with his, she took the beverages carefully from his hands and set them down so that his hands would be free to hold. Julia gave them a squeeze. “Please talk to me,” she said. “It feels like you’ve been avoiding me. I can’t imagine hearing about your future and then remembering it later, and with the injury. But I do know when things get incredibly fucked, if you have a soul, it’s pretty much impossible to go through it alone.” She let his hands drop. “Whatever happened, don’t make it harder than it has to be. You have friends here and people that care about you. I care about you.” Julia tried to meet his eyes. For as much as Tony wanted to avoid this conversation, it was not something he could put off forever. With Julia outright asking him to talk to her, he had the perfect opportunity. Naturally, she assumed it had to do with Thanos. And why wouldn't she? Except it was something more personal still. And for as much as he loved talking about himself, he was definitely the silent type when it came to the things that mattered. And this mattered. "I've been accused of being a heartless bastard too many times to count. But I don't know about the soul bit." It wasn't a refusal to talk about the things she wanted him to, even if his flippant answer made it seem like it. Julia realized she hadn’t brought up the topic of shades. “...I was being literal, not metaphorical. There are magicians who have removed parts of their soul to avoid feeling pain or guilt. I’m trying to say, you shouldn’t go through this alone, not that you’re missing your shade. Trust me, I would know if you were.” She sighed. “If you don’t want to talk to me about it, can you talk to Rhodey or another one of the Avengers?” she asked. Tony's brow furrowed slightly. There was still much they didn't know about one another. "Right," he replied when he could think of nothing else to say. "Sounds tempting." There might have been a time when that had been true, when his guilt and hung so heavy on his shoulders, it might have been better for him not to feel at all. But now that feeling was just as much a part of him as anything else. He wasn't sure how he would live without it. At the mention of the Avengers, his subconscious produced a dissatisfied harrumph. The disintegration of his former team was still a touchy subject. He had spoken to Rhodes after he got patched up by the magical folk. His friend had made his thoughts on the matter quite clear. No, the only person he needed to talk to was Julia. He just had to buckle down and do it. "It isn't what you think." A start. His cartoon eyes wandered briefly before settling on Julia. "Something happens in the future—happened," he corrected himself; he'd lived it after all, "—that no one thought necessary to tell me when they got their memory dumps back in May." Julia’s eyebrows knit together briefly in concern. She could sympathize with that feeling all too well, and sometimes wondered what information she was still missing that Alice could have warned her about. “What is it?” she asked. "I'm a few months shy of my wedding." No use stretching it out. Tony walked over to the counter where the beers were sitting, pulled a cartoon bottle opener out of nowhere, and opened both bottles. He kicked out a stool for Julia, then sat down on the other side of the counter, opposite her. Julia blinked rapidly as the words hit her. Tony was right. It wasn’t what she was thinking at all. She stopped herself from saying anything, instead following his lead to the seats, taking hers. To prolong the start of the conversation, she took a thoughtful sip of beer and attempted to gather her thoughts. She set the bottle down, exhaled, and started with, “I wouldn’t want you to be alone on your world.” She waited to speak again, still collecting her thoughts. She tried to recall the name that wasn’t Gwyneth Paltrow. Maybe it was better not to bring it up. Tony watched Julia in silence, nervous energy causing him to fidget with the bottle instead of drink from it. “Came as a surprise to me too.” He finally took a drink, still looking at the bottle, at his cartoon hands, anything but Julia. “It’s always been complicated with Pepper. When I got sent here, things had just started warming up again, but nothing had changed. All the old problems were still there. Hell, they still are.” He shook his head. Sometimes their reconciliation seemed impossible, except for the fact that he remembered it all so clearly. Just as he remembered the feeling of accepting he could never be the sort of man deserving of a woman like Pepper and deciding to move on. “Point is,” he continued, finally looking over at Julia, “My head’s in two different places, and I've been having a hard time reconciling them.” He hoped that was a good enough explanation for his distant behavior of late. She nodded. Julia looked down at her bottle but didn’t take another drink. It was mostly there as an excuse. Something to look at or move or use when she needed to buy a little more time. It made for a useful prop. “Why should you have to?” she asked. She wasn’t sure it was a question that had an answer, but it felt like one worth exploring. “It’s not like I’ve taken the potion to stop the memory updates. I still have one foot in my own world, too. With all the other shit going on in your world, you should get something good out of it.” She glanced down at her bottle. “We haven’t been together that long,” she said. “If you wanted to break things off, I’d understand. But…” Julia’s eyes traced a sort of ellipses in the empty space between them, “...we’re both here, now. I think no matter what happens on our worlds, we both deserve a little happiness here, too, and if Pepper showed up then obviously we’d have to reevaluate.” Julia picked up the bottle and took a swallow, deciding she needed another break between thoughts. “I’m not going to give you the I’m not here to replace your fiancée speech, but I’m not here to replace your fiancée.” She shrugged. Why should he have to? “A little bit of sanity isn’t too much to ask for, is it?” He was aware of the absurdity of such a statement when he was currently an animation, but the sentiment still stood. Maybe Julia could get used to being torn in two different directions. Tony wasn’t so sure he could. He picked up his beer bottle and took a large swig as Julia offered him an out that even if it would make things easier, he was fairly certain he didn't want to take. But then there was that gnawing guilt again. Tony sighed and gave a shrug that mirrored Julia’s. “You make it sound so easy.” And maybe it would have been a few years ago, when his moral compass was aimlessly spinning in circles. For better or worse, he was not that man anymore, nor did he want to be. “Well...” Julia returned his shrug with a smile. “Should I be making this harder on you? In case you haven’t noticed, most my friends are polyamorous magicians and I wouldn’t even be the first to congratulate a boyfriend on their upcoming wedding.” Julia leaned in, balancing her chin on her hand. “I’m glad you told me. And if you need time to think about what you want, that’s fair.” Tony smirked in spite of himself. Things really did come easily with Julia. There had always been a sort of effortlessness to their friendship and what had come after. He leaned back on his stool, his mouth still turned up in a small, lopsided smile as he looked across the counter at her. In that moment, he knew what he wanted. And though what he wanted might change in the future, he made the decision to go with what felt right then and there. “What I want is to dig into this popcorn while it's still warm.” Because that was easier to say than, ”I just want to lay beside you and forget about the madness of the universe for a while.” Julia smiled in agreement. Helping him gather up the drinks and the popcorn, she was happy to change rooms without thinking about much of anything too hard. |